When looking for a match, it will only be a matter of time before you stumble on a divorced dad, if you haven't already. You read his profile, and it seems like you would get along well. Then you realize he has kids. So you ask yourself: Should I give him a chance? Based on what you've heard about single dads, you think he may already have a lot on his plate.
Your assessment is likely correct. However, I would still advise you to give divorced dads a chance because it's important to judge everyone individually. But before you leap without looking, you should understand divorced dads are different from other single men, including divorced men without kids. As a result, dating a divorced dad can come with certain, let's just call them, environmental conditions, which may or may not be right for you.
Depending on your dating objectives, the differences which set divorced dads apart could lead you to the guy you've been looking for for so long. Here's what you need to know.
1. His children will come first.
Before discussing anything else related to dating divorced dads, it's critical to understand that if he's a good parent, he will almost certainly put the needs of his children before the needs of any person he starts seeing. In a relationship with a man without children, including divorced men, you may be used to him seeing you as a priority.
For your relationship to work, though, you need to be OK with him choosing his children over you sometimes, if not most of the time. And it's completely OK for you not to be OK with that. But if that's the case, I would advise you to spare yourself the heartache and not date a divorced dad. Not for nothing, if the divorced dad you're seeing isn't putting his children's needs first, you can consider that a red flag, as you should want to see a potential partner who's also a parent prioritize their children's needs.
2. He may not be divorced.
This tip is one that many women take for granted but is highly important nonetheless. People who are separated are not legally divorced. So while the relationship may be over emotionally, the marriage isn't. Even so, many people start dating again.
In general, dating a separated man can be risky. At any time, he can decide to give his marriage another chance. He also may not have finalized his divorce because there are still unresolved conflicts between him and his future ex-spouse, particularly when there are children involved, which he can find consuming. Consequently, a divorced dad may not be emotionally ready for a relationship in the way you hope him to be and is rebounding from his marriage. Ultimately, I would advise people dating a separated man to tread with caution and evaluate the circumstances surrounding his separation on a case-by-case basis.
3. How his marriage ended can be telling.
Not usually a first-date conversation, nor do I recommend it to be one, but for divorced dads, the reason for their divorce is an inevitable conversation you may have relatively early on. When you do, listen to the way he talks about the collapse of his marriage.
What caused him to divorce? If, for instance, he cheated, you may want to ask yourself if you believe he would cheat again in the future, possibly on you. Does he solely blame his ex, or does he take accountability? Has he learned from his divorce? The answer to each of these questions can affect your decision to continue dating.
4. His relationship with his ex-wife can say a lot about him.
Then, of course, there's a divorce dad's ex-wife. She's the mother of his children, so she will always be a part of his life. If you date a divorced dad, you need to get used to that. Not to mention, the way he interacts with his ex can also impact your relationship. Do they have a healthy relationship, or are they fighting all the time, causing him — and you — stress?
Some men are known to complain about their "crazy" ex-wife, who very well may be crazy. However, it's also possible he's hurt emotionally, so he bad-mouths her regularly to compensate. You should be wary of this behavior, as he might not be over his ex quite yet.
On the other end of the spectrum are divorced dads who are too friendly with their ex. Ideally, their relationship should be amicable. It should be cordial with boundaries, not too antagonistic, but not too friendly either. Parents should co-parent together for the benefit of the children. If the relationship the divorced dad you're dating has with his ex crosses boundaries to a point you feel uncomfortable, you may want to examine why and ask yourself whether this person is right for you.
5. He may still be recovering from his marriage.
Divorce is more than an ordinary breakup; it's a legal and financial dissolution. As a result, divorce is mentally taxing and can leave some men carrying a lot of emotional baggage for a long time afterward. For your relationship to work, you need to be understanding of this.
Because marriage is such a multi-faceted relationship, a divorced dad may not be on the same relationship timeline as you. He may want to take things slower, especially if he needs to adjust to single parenting while making sure his children are OK. After a long marriage and subsequent divorce, particularly if it was a nasty one, it can take time to trust someone new.
6. Forcing the relationship could scare him away.
When kids are involved, you may feel tempted to push your relationship with a divorced dad forward by asking to meet his kids early on or accepting a premature invitation from him to meet them. This can be a mistake, especially if the relationship is still new. Meeting kids can make a relationship feel more serious than it is and, as a consequence, cause him to get cold feet.
It can also put stress on your relationship if the kids are not particularly thrilled with the idea of meeting you. There are many reasons why children may not like their dad's new love interest. First and foremost, you're not their mother.
Kids may also become jealous that someone is dividing their father's attention. Pressure from kids can cause a divorced dad to rethink his relationship choices. Better to establish your relationship with a divorced dad first before bringing in the troops.
7. He will respond well if you're patient with him.
Dating a divorced dad will test your patience. He may need to reschedule dates when something comes up with his children. His time and bandwidth may also be limited as he tries to balance work, family, an ex, finances, and now you.
But if you're up to the task, you may find that the divorced dad you're dating and the life that comes with him is right for you. And that you couldn't imagine living your life without him in it.