When you’re sober, in recovery, or have recovered from alcoholism or drugs (there are various ways to describe this journey, with some nuance), it’s a fairly common sentiment to recognize that staying healthy requires care. That being said, how, at what level, and in what circumstances such care will look like will depend on the individual. Given the emotions involved, including highs, lows, and everything in between, dating can be one of the circumstances where extra attention is warranted. With this in mind, here are a few suggestions if you’re looking for love amid recovery.
Start with Self-Check: Where Are You Now?
Before dating, it’s important to make sure you’re ready for the investment of time, money, intention, and emotion that dating demands, at least if you plan on doing it “well,” whatever well means to you. Your self-check should not be a fleeting thought, either.
Rather, you should think through your decision to start dating over a period of days, weeks, or even months, reminding yourself that you are always free to stop if you don’t feel comfortable. This is your life and you are in control of it.
Know What You’re Looking For, and What You’re Not
Consider what qualities you are looking for in a partner. Also, think about a potential partner’s lifestyle and whether you believe it will mesh with yours.
If, for example, you are using a dating app and come across someone who enjoys frequenting breweries or is interested in wine tastings, this may not be something you’re comfortable with or will be interested in. While it may have been in the past, you are who you are today. Having a clear picture of who you’re looking for will help weed out obvious mismatches early.
Be Honest About Your History (When You're Ready)
It’s helpful for the health of a burgeoning relationship to be honest about your history early on, but only when you’re ready. How early will, again, depend on you and your comfort level. For some people, that may mean putting it in their dating profile. For others, it might mean having a conversation a few dates in if it looks like a relationship is taking hold.
The subject of addiction could be part of a conversation you initiate, or it could come up organically. What’s important is not hiding a part of yourself that could be relevant to someone else’s decision-making when choosing a partner they will be comfortable with.
It’s better to know sooner rather than later if some aspect of your life will change that person’s thoughts on a relationship. Your time is valuable, and you are valuable. So, you want to find someone who wants to be with you. All of you.
Pay Attention to How You Feel Around Them
As in any new relationship, you will want to pay close attention to how you feel not only when you are in the company of someone you’re dating but also when you’re apart. Both are telling.
If you are relaxed and comfortable either way, that is a good sign. But it doesn’t mean you have met your “one” just yet. This is a question to ask continually, as people reveal more about themselves over time.
Remember, you are evaluating your partner just as much as they are evaluating you. While someone may be a great person, it doesn’t mean they will be s great relationship partner for you. This holds even if they are fully supportive of your recovery.
Protect Your Routine and Wellness
While dating, or if you end up getting into a serious relationship, always take care to protect the routine you’ve established that helps you stay sober or clean. This will create a strong foundation for your relationship and your life.
You are, as always, your own best advocate, meaning that your health and wellness must always remain your priority. If you find that the person you’re dating or the relationship you’re in as a whole is putting that at risk, it’s time to reassess whether you’re situation is one you want to remain in.
A strong relationship not only keeps its partners strong, but it also makes them stronger as couples and as individuals. This is because there is power in numbers, especially when it’s two people who love and support each other. So ask yourself: Are you, or could you be, that person for the one you’re with, and, just as importantly, are they or could they be that for you?