The Shadow Dating Trap and How to Avoid It

Have you ever been (or are you currently) in a relationship that has all the feely feels of a real relationship, but something doesn’t seem quite right about it? More specifically, has your partner committed to you privately but doesn’t shout out to the world that you’re their partner on social media, let alone connect with you, or say who you are to them when you’re out in public?

Moreover, do they walk ahead of you, not hold your hand outside, or refrain from public displays of affection? When you’re meeting someone they know, do they introduce you by only your first name, or do they say you're their girlfriend/boyfriend/partner before it?

If some or all of these details ring true for you, you may be the victim of shadow dating, which is no place to be. Not only are “partners” who engage in this practice keeping their options open by keeping the relationship under wraps, but they also don’t value you. Otherwise, they wouldn’t do it.

So how can you avoid falling into the trap of shadow dating a partner whom you want to be with, but they, judging by their actions, don’t clearly? Learn why it happens and recognize the signs, of course, so you can make space for the person who wants to let anyone who’ll listen know that you belong to them. 

The Psychological Effects of Shadow Dating

I’ve already discussed some of the top signs of shadow dating, but there can be many more variations, with the same effect: your relationship status is ambiguous. While it’s important to recognize this behavior for what it is, it’s more important to understand what they do to you every time your partner does it. 

The psychological (and physical, discussed below) effect of shadow dating is real and becomes more damaging over time, especially for the person being subjected to it. I’ll get to the other person in a moment. When someone consistently makes you feel like you are someone to hide, not enough, or that they’re unsatisfied with you and your relationship, it causes you to feel uneasy. Uneasy with your partner, uneasy with your relationship, and uneasy about your worth.

When you feel this way, your mental health, including self-esteem, suffers for it. Over time, sadness and potentially clinical depression can set in, leading to a whole host of other problems that can slowly dismantle your life.

The Physical Effects of Shadow Dating

So, too, can shadow dating impact your physical health when you’re the one being hidden, always wanting more but also waiting for the other shoe to drop when you know deep down they will leave, since they’re letting you know subtly they’re not there for the long haul. Living in a perpetual state of anxiety negatively affects your nervous system and, with it, your ability to sleep, digest your food, and maintain a healthy body weight. Some people may experience other health issues, such as thinning hair (or hair loss), skin breakouts, and puffiness.

For the person shadow-dating you, they are not necessarily getting off scot-free. Depending on the individual, they may be living with anxiety from a constant fear of commitment, unresolved issues stemming from their childhood, such as a fear of abandonment, or other mental health issues.

Whatever the case may be, it’s not for you to fix. If, after addressing your relationship issues using healthy communication skills (discussed in the following section), you get nowhere with your partner, meaning the behavior continues or they deny it, you must look at the relationship at face value: Are you getting what you want and need from your partner and your life together?

If not, it’s time to evaluate your next steps.

What to Do if You Are Being Shadow Dated

If you find yourself in a situation where you believe your partner is shadow dating you, address how you’ve been feeling (read: not what “they’ve been doing”) with them. If they are genuinely remorseful and agree to make immediate changes to their behavior, you can begin to strengthen your relationship from that point.

Should they make excuses, deny what you’re saying, or gaslight you into thinking you're being combative or overly emotional, take that as the writing on the wall that this relationship isn't serving you. As painful as it may be for you to move on, especially if you have a lot of time invested, living in this type of environment can only hurt you and keep you from meeting a partner who truly values you and what you’re building together.

Depending on how you feel and what, if any, physical symptoms you have suffered, you may want to consider professional support from a mental health professional and coaches, including a dating strategist and matchmaker, to help you recalibrate your compass and demonstrate to you there are people in the world who are actively searching for their person and would be thrilled to find a partner to enjoy a healthy, committed relationship with.

That person could be you.

My Life's Work Is Also My Passion

When I was young, I was like most kids in that I had no idea what I wanted to “be” when I grew up. Would I become a doctor? A lawyer? An artist? It was fun to think about when I was thinking about it, which wasn’t all that often.

But, in my defense, a diagnosis of aggressive cancer when I was 20 years old distracted me. Fighting for my life, which was a fight I fortunately won, gave me perspective on what matters and what doesn’t. When someone asked me during those very dark days what I couldn’t live without, the only answer I had was love. The rest, well, that was debatable.

Honestly, it was freeing. Keeping up appearances? Worrying about what other people thought of me? Listening to what well-meaning people believed they knew was good for me? I wanted none of it.

I graduated from college with a clean bill of health and, with it, a clean slate. I was determined only to live and find what and whom I could be passionate about, however that would transpire. My first order of business was going to work after graduation. So when the time came to look for a job, I was open to ideas and opportunities.

To some people, including my parents, it may have looked as if I lacked direction. Perhaps there was some truth to that. However, my receptiveness, my willingness to explore different paths, is what ultimately led me to the position of a lifetime — matchmaker.

“You’re going to do what?” my father asked with a strange look on his face. “You’re going to make matches for a living?”

“Yes,” I answered matter-of-factly for at least the third time that day, though I didn’t understand why he still seemed so confused. That is, until I realized he thought I was, quite literally, going to make the kind of matches that fit into a matchbook. Oh, do I love my dad!

Lucky for me, my parents were supportive, and I began my “apprenticeship” with a local matchmaker who showed me the ropes at the time. Back in those days, more than three decades ago, matchmaking was not a mainstream, modern-day profession like it is today, despite having existed for centuries in many cultures.

Matchmaking, the art of pairing two people unknown to each other based on the expertise and intuition of the matchmaker and what that matchmaker sees as compatible characteristics, lifestyles, and goals between them, fell out of favor when online dating took off. Why use a matchmaker, singles asked, when there’s online dating? I’ll tell you: Because it works.

I honestly was surprised when I first got into this field that more people weren’t doing it, and more singles weren’t using this method to find love. I guess there was a reason. And that is, making matches is as much a skill set as it is an innate gift.

Not only did I discover I was good at my work, but what I also received, as did my clients, was something that could never be measured in money, and that was happiness. My clients were happy because, as a result of the matches I picked for them, they met someone special with whom they could share their lives, during good times and trying ones. Someone who they loved and who loved them. It was a great gig for the present, I thought. What more could a girl in her twenties ask for?

A lot, actually. I wanted what I was finding for my clients. And if I hadn’t learned what it takes to make sustainable matches, I would’ve passed Mike right by, the guy I ended up marrying — and staying married to — all of these years and three children later. The guy who wasn’t my usual type, the guy who I didn’t think was all that funny on our first date, and the guy who, at first, didn’t give me the butterflies I felt with all of those other wrong guys.

There was obviously something between us, maybe not the brightest of sparks, but something. I just didn’t know what it was yet. Thankfully, I stuck around long enough to find out.

I had been in the matchmaking field for a little while when Mike and I first met. What I had already seen with my clients was that I made the best matches when I deviated from their MO, from what they kept doing but was never working for them. So, Mike and I continued to date and got to know each other better. Turns out, he was my type after all. Four years later, we married.

I want that for you. That being marriage. If, of course, you want marriage. And, if you don’t, that’s great, too. I want you to have the relationship you envision, one characterized by mutual respect, compassion, emotional support, happiness, and most of all, love.

A tall order, no doubt. Especially today, when 21st-century dating means wading through a dating pool that feels more like an ocean. This is why, as part of the concierge dating services I offer, I turn that ocean back into a pool. By merging my now-digitized “little black book” of eligible singles with multiple online dating platforms, I present every client with a pared-down grouping of viable matches.

Chosen and vetted exclusively for you, the list I bring to you, handpicked by me, not some assistant, is the list you wouldn’t have sourced for yourself. And therefore, it’s the list with the most chances for success.

Even better is that with my ’round-the-clock services and “my office never closes” policy since I am the office, I’m always only a phone call away, 24/7, to offer you honest relationship advice, experienced guidance, and tried and true dating tips. And the chance for me to become the most trusted wingwoman you’ve ever had, your very own Queen of Hearts, who stacks the deck in your favor so love wins.  

You Are Bi-Sexual. How and When Should You Tell Your Date?

Dating when you are bisexual can bring up some unique challenges, but it can also be a rewarding experience. Being honest and open with yourself and your potential partners about your sexuality will help you to find the right person. One who is accepting and understanding of your identity, who shares similar values, and who will support you.   

Not everyone will fit the bill. Therefore, it is important not to rush into relationships and to take the time to get to know potential partners before making a commitment. With that in mind, here are a answers to some of your most burning questions about dating when you are bisexual. 

How long into a relationship should you tell the person you are dating that you are bisexual? 

There is no set timeline for when to tell someone you are dating that you are bisexual. It is important to consider your comfort level and how much you trust the person you are dating before disclosing any personal information. 

If you feel comfortable, you can tell them whenever you feel is best. It is important that you be honest and open about your sexuality so that you can have a healthy relationship built on trust. Therefore, if you see that your relationship is progressing, it is probably that time to have a conversation. 

How should you tell your date you are bisexual? 

It is important to be honest and open about your sexuality with your date, so the best way to tell your date that you are bisexual is to state it directly. Let them know that it is important to you and that you are comfortable with it. Be prepared to answer any questions they may have, and try to be patient if they don’t understand right away.

What questions might someone you are dating ask about being bisexual?

Though you can never fully predict what someone will ask about anything, the person you are dating might find themselves on the following thought train. If you are the type who likes to prepare or role-play before a conversation, consider formulating answers for the questions below. 

1. How did you come to realize you are bisexual? 

2. How long have you known you are bisexual? 

3. How does your bisexuality affect your relationships? 

4. How do you feel about monogamy and non-monogamy? 

5. What is your experience with dating people of different genders? 

6. What do you need to feel comfortable and safe in a relationship? 

7. What do you think are the most important aspects of a healthy relationship? 

8. How have you dealt with the stigma of being bisexual? 

9. What would you like me to know and understand about your bisexuality? 

10. How do you handle potential conflicts that may arise due to your bisexuality?

Some of these questions may be ones you have spent a long time thinking about already. Others, not so much. Regardless of whether these talking points are old or new to you, giving them attention can only serve to strengthen your relationship with someone else, as well as with yourself. 

What should you say if someone doesn’t want to date you because you are bisexual? 

Not everyone will be receptive to the idea you are bi-sexual and will have their reasons for feeling the way they do, regardless of if you agree with them or not. The bottom line is you can’t and, more importantly, should not have to convince someone to like you. 

With this in mind, you can offer the following responses, understanding that these statements may very well be a part of your goodbyes: 

• It’s okay if you don’t feel comfortable with my sexuality, but it’s who I am. I hope you can respect that.

• That’s unfortunate, but it’s important to respect everyone’s preferences and boundaries. It’s perfectly natural to have an attraction to more than one gender, and I hope you can keep an open mind about it in the future.

Then move forward with your life to find someone who is more compatible with you. You deserve that. 

How can you find people to date who will accept your bisexuality?

As with most else in dating, there are ways to refine your search and put yourself in the line of sight with those who share your values, interests, and lifestyle. Here are a few ideas to get you started.

1. Join a local bisexual or LGBTQIA+ group. 

Joining a community of like-minded people can be a great way to find potential dates who are accepting of your sexuality. 

2. Get involved in LGBTQIA+ events. 

Attend local events hosted by LGBTQIA+ organizations or businesses and mingle with other people who are open to dating bisexuals. 

3. Use dating apps. 

Many dating apps now have options for users to identify as bisexual or queer. This can help you find people who are open to dating someone who is bisexual. 

4. Try online dating websites. 

There are many online dating websites geared toward the LGBTQIA+ community. These websites can help you find people who are open to dating someone who is bisexual.

5. Find a dating coach/matchmaker in your search. 

Enlist the assistance of a dating coach/matchmaker who supports everyone’s individuality.

Final thoughts …

It is ultimately up to you to decide whether or not to tell someone you are dating about your sexuality and, if you do, when. First and foremost, you should always consider what you feel comfortable with and how open or private you would like to be, keeping in mind how the information could potentially impact the person you are seeing and your relationship with them — which may very well be for the better. 

Ways to Bring New Energy to Your Dating Life This Year

The holidays are over, and you’re easing into the new year, easing being a euphemism. How you’re really feeling, like many people are but don’t want to admit, is exhausted, especially where your dating life is concerned.

You keep telling yourself that you did everything you could think of to meet your person: went on lots of first dates, dove into your career and your hobbies, engaged in self-care. Yet, here you are, again, a year later, and still single. But this go around, you’re feeling even worse for the wear.

Is all hope lost? Meaning, is there anything you can do bring new energy to your dating life this year? After redirecting singles feeling the New Year’s blues for more than three decades, here are my tried and true tips for getting yourself excited about the possibilities ahead.     

Edit Your Dating App Profile With a Pair of Fresh Eyes

If you haven’t been getting a lot of likes lately from your dating profile, I would venture to say that it has less to do with the fact that it was just the holidays and people were busy and more to do with the fact your dating profile is probably stale.

You can begin freshening it up by shuffling your photos around. This will kickstart the algorithm and let it know you’re alive and well. Then, with a scrutinizing eye, replace those photos that haven’t been getting a lot of attention with one that’s more recent, not to mention conversation-worthy. It could be you on vacation or in an action shot, maybe playing pickleball. If you’re not sure, run your options by someone before posting. Don’t be afraid to edit again from there if you’re still not getting the results you want in a few weeks.

Next, re-read what you wrote on your profile. Not just your write-up but also your responses to the questions you chose to answer on the app if that’s a feature. Pictures are important, but believe it or not, people still are interested in what you have to say beyond them. Again, if you’re not sure, ask a friend, or better yet, a professional.

Use Your Time and Energy More Intentionally

January tends to be a busy month workwise, with many people hitting the ground running their first day back. In other words, your time may become more limited than it has been recently, which means you have to get better at managing it.

The best way to master time management is to schedule everything important to you so that (a) priorities don’t fall through the cracks or (b) distract you from other important tasks to the point you’re not doing any of them well, including dating.

To prevent that from happening, put time on your calendar to swipe and time on your calendar to answer messages. These are two separate tasks. On another note, only go on dates with people you’ve vetted and who interest you. Quantity matters in dating, but juggling too many people and failing to use your time strategically can hamper your efforts.  

Get Clear Change on Who You Say Yes or No To

How wisely you give your time to others when dating is strongly dictated by how strong your “picker” is, the criteria by which you choose who you go out with and who you don’t. If your picker hasn’t been serving you, it’s a sign for you to strengthen it. This is easily accomplished by making a list of all the characteristics you would like in a partner and how important each one is.

People’s lists will vary, but elements that might be a dealbreaker for you, such as religion or whether someone wants to be a parent one day, should be at the top. Once you’re clear on your list, saying yes or no before investing too much time becomes a whole lot more straightforward.

Change Where and How You Meet People

While dating apps are valuable tools for finding people to date, they are not the be-all and end-all for meeting eligible matches. Your results will be much more promising when you supplement your swiping with in-person activities designed for singles.

Think running clubs, pickleball leagues, and cocktail hours/dinner parties specifically choreographed for singles in your area. These groups may be further curated by age range, religion, or anything else the organizers decide on.

Digging in even further, let everyone in your professional and social circles know you’re single and available. There’s nothing like being set up and avoiding the irritations of online dating. Adding a matchmaker to the equation for dating advice, plus access to their experienced picker, means you’ve got all of your bases covered to maximize the ways in which your person can find you.     

Date With Less Pressure and Fewer Expectations

Even with all this, there will inevitably be uncomfortable moments and disappointments coming your way. Such is the nature of dating and, for that matter, life. There’s no getting around it, which means there’s also no reason to place such intense pressure on yourself or expect so much out of every single encounter. Yes, all you need is one person, but it may take meeting a bunch before you get to them. So …

Don’t Give Up!

There’s still work to be done, improvements to make, and, most importantly, fun to be had — in dating and in everything you do around it. As I always say, the more interesting you are, the more interested in you someone else will be.

Before It Got Started: When Someone Disappears Before You Meet and Later Reappears

You’re talking to someone through a dating app. The messaging is consistent, and even better, they sound normal. They’re respectful and appear to be interested in learning more about you. You feel the same. Then one day, it stops. Silence. They may have even un-matched with you.

Sure, you’re disappointed. What happened, you wonder. Was it work? Did someone in their family get sick? Did they get sick, or die? Were they married? Did they set up a date with someone else, or were already dating someone else and further along? Did they get back with an ex? The stories you tell yourself appear to have no end.

Your friends tell you to move on, and you know they’re right. Still, you find yourself thinking about what could’ve been. Then, finally, you move on. You stop thinking about them. That is, until one fine day, out of nowhere, they make contact, either trying to re-match with you on the same app you met them on, or perhaps a new one, or through text message using the phone number you had given them that they never used at the time.

What now? Do you give them another shot?

As a 30-year veteran in the matchmaking industry, who’s witnessed the positive and negative effects technology has had on how people meet and form relationships, I have an answer: Yes. Here’s why. 

Nothing’s Happened Between You

As in, you never had anything together except for some meaningless banter on a dating app. Truth be told, you barely know this person but for what they’ve messaged you thus far, notwithstanding the narrative you created in your head about them once they disappeared. Meaning, they didn’t owe you anything at the point you were at, the same way you didn’t owe them anything. Harsh, but true.

The way dating apps are designed, and the way to increase your odds of finding a strong match, is to talk to more than one person at a time. As you progress through messaging, texting, and meeting in person, you gain reference points for deciding whether you want to continue with someone or weed them out. You are on a fact-finding mission, and you won’t always like what you find.   

That being said, the further you go during this process, the more of a connection you will establish, and with it, more of an expectation that someone (you included) will use their voice to end things. Though it is a green flag if a person messages you in the very early stages of communication prior to meeting that they have decided to pursue someone else and want to see where that goes first, it doesn’t always happen. People do just stop communicating.

If someone like this resurfaces, it’s easy to get your back up and say you’re not going to give them the time of day because you weren’t their first choice. And while that may be true, does it really matter since they don’t know you and you don’t know them?

The Narrative You’ve Created About Why Someone You Never Knew Disappeared May Be What’s Keeping You Alone 

I mentioned the case of a person who wanted to see where things went with someone else, but that’s not the only reason why pre-date conversations drop off. Life happens, and why someone stops communicating may, and usually, has more to do with them than it does with you. At the very least, if someone you were messaging with on an app re-emerges, hear them out.

There may be a very good reason for their disappearance. There also may not be. Either way, if you’re liking what you’re hearing now, today, it might be worth giving this person a second chance. Again, gather your facts.

A Word About the Person Who Comes and Goes and Never Schedules a Date

If you find that someone you’ve talked to is now making a habit of coming and going in your life — at any stage, it’s safe to say this person is not serious about you. Feel free to let them go, explaining to them why.

When you are confident and clear about your dating goals, it becomes much easier to voice them and to eliminate contenders for your time and heart who don’t measure up. And to make space for those who will, even the person you barely got started with who’s looking for a second chance. The only question you should be asking yourself is whether this version of them, right now, feels worth getting to know.   

The Danger in Labeling Men’s Dating Behavior as Avoidant

If you’re on TikTok or Instagram, or have spent time in any Facebook group with singles as members, you’ll notice a trend: women putting a label on any behavior by men that indicates a man made a choice other than choosing them.

Saying a man is avoidant is one of the most common labels I’m seeing these days to explain away why a man may have moved on. I’m here to say why this is a practice that can inhibit your dating life, including your ability to find your person. Here’s why. But first, a quick description of what avoidant attachment is. 

What Is Avoidant Attachment?

Avoidant attachment describes a person who fears intimacy, including with someone they’re dating. A person with this attachment style may indicate on the surface that they are looking for a partner with whom to share their lives. But as soon as they get too close to anything resembling that, they pull back, whether due to a fear of rejection, lack of trust, feeling uncomfortable with being vulnerable, or overwhelm.

Whatever the reason (or reasons, as there can be multiple ones), this person pulls back as a result, and maybe even leaves the relationship that’s causing them these experiences. They do this so they can restore their sense of comfort, something than can only happen by them having their independence back.
For someone who’s gotten entangled with an avoidant, who has been drawn in by the promise of a committed relationship only to look on helplessly as this person then pulls back, it can be frustrating, upsetting, embarrassing, and demoralizing, among a roller coaster of many other emotions. In a vacuum, this is what avoidant attachment can look like.

The Danger in Labeling Men’s Dating Behavior as Avoidant

The thing is, it takes knowing a lot about the background of the person you’re dating to understand that this is what the person who rejects you is suffering from. The problem? Many people I’m seeing, particularly women, are quick to put a label on these behaviors by men, investing way too much time psychoanalyzing them and not enough time on letting them go and moving forward.

More than that, when you fall into a habit of analyzing why a man might have rejected you, you, more often than not, miss the obvious point that men, like women, have free choice. Meaning men, like women, are doing what they say they are: searching for a partner. And not every woman, however beautiful, smart, and accomplished she is, will fit his wishlist.

is intentions may have been on the up and up; he may have liked you, thought you were incredible, but after spending time with you, and yes, sleeping with you, he realized that he does not want to move forward with you.

On the surface, it can look like you were used, and it’s easy to feel this way when you are in the mindset of labeling all men, including those you don’t know well, as avoidant, as having something “wrong” with them when it may, in fact, be them exercising free choice and following their own heart.

Of course, some men set about using women. Just watch the 1997 film, “In the Company of Men,” where two male co-workers scheme to date a female co-worker with the sole purpose of hurting her emotionally, just like they have been hurt by women who rejected them.

While this can happen in real life, and may even be the case, it’s not always, or even typically. Instead, a man’s rejection of you is more likely due to the theory that authors Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo put forth in their book (later movie) by the same name: “He’s just not that into you.”

What You Should Do if a Guy Rejects You    

If a guy you’re dating rejects you, especially if it’s a guy you don’t know well, refrain from explaining away his behavior by labeling him as an avoidant. It only puts you into a negative mindset and keeps you stuck on him. Being stuck on someone who doesn’t want you isolates you, keeps you in a loop, and prevents you from being emotionally available to others.

Instead, chalk their rejection up to the fact that you both aren’t the right fit, remembering that two people must choose each other for a relationship to deepen. That can only begin when you accept the no, stop assigning meaning to it beyond what it is, and turn your attention back to your own life and possibilities, choosing yourself first.

Why Anyone Single This Holiday Should Celebrate Thanksgiving Eve

If you haven’t before, you’re definitely missing out, especially if you’re single this holiday season. That’s because, second to New Year’s Eve, Thanksgiving Eve is the biggest night of the year to go out.

Most people don’t have work the next day. And if you’re lucky, you’ve snagged an invitation somewhere for the big day and aren’t stressing because you have to wake up at 6 a.m. the next morning to put your bird in the oven.

Be Proud of Your Single Status

Speaking of birds, that’s what I think about unsolicited advice from well-meaning relatives and friends around Thanksgiving time — yep, it’s for the birds. You know, those who tell you how “you should be grateful you’re single this Thanksgiving.” (Despite that, in actuality, singledom does have its perks around this time of year.) Or those who say (sym)pathetically, “You’ll meet someone soon.” As in, “Your life will only be complete when you do.”     

You’ll never hear that from me. What I will say is this: Ignore all the judgy advice. And, instead, celebrate. Not just Thanksgiving per se, which is all fine and good, but, in particular, celebrate you. Who you are — today. Now. Single. Dating someone new. Or in a relationship but thinking about making a change.

Being Single Is as Good a Reason to Celebrate Thanksgiving Eve as Ever

You see, whether you want to meet someone right away or are content flying solo for the foreseeable future, you should feel good. Because the truth is, when we feel good, we put ourselves out there. We’re social. We’re honest. We’re vulnerable. And, as a result, we radiate and attract others. In other words, what we put out in the world comes right back to us. But that can’t happen if you’re home alone, sitting on your couch.

So put it on your calendar — Thanksgiving Eve. And on that night, head out to your favorite locale with family or friends, married or single. It doesn’t matter. Or go by yourself and see who you can strike up a conversation with, which, I can pretty much guarantee on a social night like this, will be someone. Perhaps someone who will become special to you one day, and you to them.

Where Should You Go?

Visit that hotel bar with the city view or that new trendy restaurant you’ve been wanting to try. Then, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, celebrate you and what your presence gives to others. And as Ralf Waldo Emerson once suggested, “Cultivate an attitude of gratitude, of giving and forgiving.” Because “[n]othing can bring you peace but yourself.”

Wishing you and the ones you love a Happy Thanksgiving filled with pumpkin kisses and harvest wishes.

What Is Micro-Cheating in a Relationship and What Should You Do About It?

Have you ever been in a committed relationship when your partner did something “small” that kind of rubbed you the wrong way? And by rubbed you the wrong way, what they did sort of felt like cheating, but your partner didn’t actually cheat according to what most people consider cheating to be, which is having sex with someone else? If you’ve answered yes, your partner was probably guilty of micro-cheating.

In isolation, acts of micro-cheating don’t seem so bad, which, first, makes them hard to pinpoint, and second, even harder to address. That’s because when you confront your partner with examples of their behavior, you can come off looking petty, jealous, insecure, and accusatory, none of which are qualities that make you look good. And you haven’t done anything wrong!

How then do you know if your partner is engaging in acts of micro-cheating and, next, how can you deal with it in your relationship in a healthy manner? As a matchmaker and relationship coach who’s helped thousands of couples find love and build strong relationships, I have a few suggestions. But before I get started with solutions, it’s important to understand what micro-cheating is.

What is micro-cheating in a relationship? 

Micro-cheating is when a person in a committed relationship engages in some sort of flirtatious behavior with someone other than their partner, not including sex. It’s often a gray area as the acts, by themselves, don’t always raise an immediate red flag. When they do, the partner who’s committed the acts can often explain their actions away, effectively gaslighting their partner, at least at first.

If you’re unfamiliar with the term, gaslighting refers to the act of making someone feel as if what they’re saying doesn’t make sense, they’re crazy for saying it, or they don’t know what they’re talking about. In other words, when confronted, that person does everything in their power to deflect attention on any wrongdoing from them onto you. Micro-cheaters are experts at gaslighting because the transgressions usually appear insignificant at first glance.

Common examples of micro-cheating include the following:

●       Flirting with someone outside the relationship. The flirting could be with numerous people or one person repeatedly. This type of behavior can occur at work or in any other social situation, or even during a chance meeting, including while running errands. 

●       Engaging in a flirtatious manner over social media. This behavior could describe using social media to get someone else’s attention or acknowledge any attention they’re giving.

Behaviors may include “liking” and commenting on social media posts, engaging in conversations over DM (direct message), or seeking out someone of interest on social media to connect with them.

●       Communicating with an ex. For many couples, talking to an ex is a big no-no. If the couple has an understanding that such behavior is unwelcome in their relationship, and one partner is engaging with an ex regardless, the interaction could be classified as micro-cheating.

●       Seeking emotional support from an object of affection outside the relationship. If one partner turns to someone outside the relationship, specifically someone they’re attracted to, for emotional support, guidance on important decisions, and to discuss relationship issues they’re having, it pretty much points to micro-cheating.

●       Reciprocating or escalating attention or advances from someone outside the relationship. In other words, this behavior describes when one partner welcomes attention from a person outside the relationship instead of ignoring the behavior or clearly communicating a lack of interest.

As you can tell, there are nuances among these descriptions, and, naturally, intent counts for a lot. People can just be oblivious to how a certain behavior may make their partner feel. 

For some couples, these behaviors may not present an issue. For others, they may become the source of contention in the relationship if not addressed.

Signs of micro-cheating

The thing about micro-cheating is that if you look hard enough for it, you’ll find it. That said, there are signs of the behavior that can justifiably raise suspicion.

●       Your partner is overly protective of their phone or computer.

●       They talk about a specific person in a way that makes you uncomfortable. Perhaps your partner comments on that person’s looks, they bring them up a lot in conversation or compare you to them.

●       Your partner appears distant or distracted, as if they’re thinking or daydreaming about someone else.

●       When you raise the issue or question them about something they said or did, they act defensive, become angry, gaslight you, or refuse to talk about it.

●       During times of stress, when your partner would usually turn to you, they’re hush, hush, possibly because they’re getting support from somewhere else.

What should you do if you suspect your partner of micro-cheating?

If you suspect your partner is guilty of micro-cheating, it’s important you face the situation head-on before it becomes out of hand and does irreparable damage to your relationship. Addressing the situation may be as simple as having a conversation, or it may require you to enlist support. Here’s how to start.

●       Talk to your partner. As with any issue in your relationship, you need to come clean if something’s bothering you. If you’re upset by a specific behavior from your partner, ask them about it. They truly may not be aware that what they’re doing bothers you or is wrong in any way. Explain why it does.

●       Give your partner the opportunity to “fix” things between you. If your partner is sorry about the behavior and wants to make things “right” between you, and that’s what you want, then allow them to do so. Although the incidence(s) of micro-cheating they participated in were hurtful to you and may have caused you to become distrustful, your relationship may not be beyond repair.

Keep in mind, however, that you need to be open to your partner’s efforts. The decision is yours, and your partner may, in fact, need to rely on your guidance as to how to regain your trust.

●       Set boundaries in your relationship. As you and your partner attempt to move past the micro-cheating, it’s helpful to set boundaries in your relationship. That means you should communicate to your partner what behavior is acceptable to you and what isn’t. It also means you need to abide by the boundaries you both set, too. There shouldn’t be any “do as I say, not as I do” situations.

●       Have a mutual understanding of what monogamy and micro-cheating mean. Come up with definitions you both can agree on for monogamy and cheating (any kind) so there’s no confusion in the future about what you expect from your partner and what your partner can expect from you.

●       Ask a professional for help. Overcoming cheating, even micro-cheating, can be an uphill climb for many couples. It’s why people often turn to a marriage counselor or therapist for assistance. Whether you attend sessions together, independently, or commit to some combination thereof, a third party may be able to better articulate what you can’t and help create a plan for you both to move forward — together or alone.

Whichever way you decide to confront micro-cheating, understand you can only control your own behavior. If your partner isn’t treating you how you want to be treated, they’ve done you a favor by freeing you up to find someone who will.

When You Lose Your Best Friend to Their New Relationship

Platonic friendships are directly linked to health and well-being, specifically the notion that people who have close friends are less likely to suffer from depression. Despite their health benefits and the integral role our confidants play in our lives, it sometimes happens that when a friend begins a new romantic relationship, they prioritize time with their partner over their friends, even their best friend, causing a once close friendship to take a back seat.

If the distance becomes too great, persists for too long a time, or a jilted friend decides to sever the connection prematurely out of anger or frustration (e.g., by taking steps to exclude that person from plans with the rest of the friend group), the friendship ends. This can be jarring for both individuals, but especially for the friend who’s still single. If you find yourself in this situation, you’re not alone, as it happens more often than you might think. Here’s how to move forward.

Talk to Your Friend Who’s Hurt You About How You’re Feeling

Before reacting and taking drastic measure to end the friendship unilaterally, approach your friend with a conversation about how you’re feeling. Let them know you miss them, would like to catch up, or are hurt or angry for how they haven’t considered your feelings.

The idea is to be honest as well as open to an explanation. If the friendship means something to you, you’ll listen to what they have to say. In turn, if the friendship means something to them, they will not only hear you out but take affirmative steps to restore the friendship you share.

Understand That Some Friendships Are Just for a Season

You may find, to your amazement and disappointment, that yes, they are deliberately prioritizing their relationship above your friendship. Their reasons could be rooted in various things: how much time they have, their other priorities, religion (some religions explicitly advise putting your spouse before all others, even children), or that they just are kind of done.

This last one may sting, but it’s important to understand that some friendships come into our lives for a season. And that’s OK. Friendships are based on factors such as proximity and where someone is in their life mentally.

The friendship may have also served its purpose for what that person needed and when and has run its course. As for being the one who’s been left behind, this reality can be hard to face but dealing with it head-on can go a long way toward helping you grieve the relationship and move on with your own life.

Remind Yourself That You Don’t Know What Other Factors Are at Play in Your Friend’s Life

Things aren’t always as they seem. Where you might be attributing your friend’s distance to their new relationship, it may actually have nothing to do with it. Financial stressors, illness in their family or with them that you don’t know about, and psychological reasons can all play a part in why a friendship is stagnating for a time.

Your options are to inquire and, even if you aren’t satisfied with your friend’s explanation, to be patient and just see what happens. Sometimes, that’s what being a good friend is — extending your friendship despite the fact that what you’re receiving back doesn’t seem balanced. Regardless of which route you choose, taking care of yourself and your needs should become your priority.

Immerse Yourself in Other Endeavors and Friendships

If you’re feeling isolated or alone because of the loss of a good friend, temporary or permanent, it’s your signal to immerse yourself in other endeavors and to focus on other friendships. That means making plans to engage in activities: trying a new restaurant, getting tickets for the theater, a show, or a movie, playing pickleball, going to the gym, making plans with other friends, and putting yourself in the position to meet new people, include a romatic interest of your own. In other words, your opportunities are many.

Final Thoughts

More often than not, a friend drifting out of your life has more, a lot more, to do with them than it does with you. Which means you shouldn’t take it personally or be a person who weighs themselves down with what you cannot control.

No one is responsible for your happiness except for you. So, if you were relying on your friend’s presence in your life for that, or you are unhappy due to their absence or the limited time they have for you, it’s time to reevaluate what brings you joy and why. And become the best friend to yourself that you deserve.

The Truth About What Men Mean When They Call Women Gold Diggers

As a matchmaker, I see the same narrative time and again: men worrying they will be used for their money, even when they don’t have much of it or anything at all. You know them, the men who speak about gold-digging with contempt, as if this happening to them is somehow a real threat. All the while, they harbor the secret that they have meager savings, debt, and are irresponsible in every way imaginable.

Lacking the means to take care of a partner, let alone themselves, these men’s fear of being exploited may appear irrational to the outsider looking in since there’s nothing to exploit. Rest assured, though, this web they weave makes perfect sense to these so-called vulnerable men.

That’s because if a man can convince a woman early on that she can expect little from him, he won’t have to dole out as much in dinners, entertainment, and travel. And maybe, just maybe, if he’s lucky enough, the woman will take pity on him and pick up the slack in exchange for some sweet talk and feigned affection, the kind that costs him nothing and usually ends up leading nowhere for her.

The problem? (Besides the obvious, that is.) Women not only believe this story but also absorb it far too often, leading them to suppress their ambitions, lower their expectations, and settle for empty promises rather than actions.

Even more dangerous, it can feel to women as if they must prove they are not interested in money before they can accept any modicum of support, security, or partnership. Meanwhile, the men who are experts at this deception demand complete devotion while offering very little in return.

So, how should you feel about men who categorize women (and even have the gall to say it to their faces) with any expectations from a partner as gold diggers? In a nutshell, not good. Here are the reasons why,

Wanting Stability Is Normal

Partnership requires effort, accountability, and shared responsibility. Therefore, wanting a partner who can and will provide practical and financial stability shouldn’t be considered gold-digging.

Women, women like you, have every right to want love, companionship, and emotional connection while expecting a partner to contribute to the relationship and, if you share one, to the household. Asking for this is never too much and should be considered not just normal but the norm. The issue is thus not women wanting too much but men seeing basic effort, reliability, and consistency as exploitation.

Astonishing, yes. Misguided, a double yes. Why? Because sharing responsibility isn’t a burden; it’s the minimum effort required for a healthy relationship. Without this basic understanding, there’s little hope for relationship success and a greater likelihood that resentment will build for both partners (more about this later). As it does, the foundation of the relationship, if there ever was a foundation, weakens. Unfortunately, too often, so does the woman, in every way imaginable.

But women don’t often see this far into the future because they are so hyper-focused on wanting a relationship. One that looks shiny on the outside, even if it is dark on the inside. So they compromise their expectations, and, in the process, themselves.

How Women Adjust to Overcome the Gold Digger Misnomer

Women often make adjustments to avoid being labeled as gold diggers. They lower their expectations, accept promises without follow-through, and tolerate inconsistent behavior. They do this to avoid conflict and protect their image as loving, genuine, and low-maintenance, i.e., not a gold digger.

The reality is that women in this trap often do most of the work in the relationship, and in many cases, long before living with their partner or getting married. At the same time that these women manage their own careers, finances, and emotions, these gold-digger-fearing men place high expectations on the woman they’re with to nurture, support, and care for them in exchange for their devotion.

For the woman to ask for anything more is to take advantage since they’re already getting something they want in return for their efforts. The thing is, these efforts aren’t balanced. Scratch the surface, and the devotion is often not altogether there either.

Understanding Authentic Contribution in a Relationship

A partnership in which both partners are equally devoted requires contributions in several forms: financial participation, emotional support, household work, and planning. This is just for starters. These actions, and many more, are all part of building a life together and need to be demonstrated by both partners.

When men don’t perform these actions, it signals their unwillingness to engage fully in the relationship. Talking about what they will do is not enough. The thing is, you can only have so many conversations before you have to face the reality that this person, and your relationship, isn’t changing, at least for the better.

Facing Reality

If this discussion sounds all too familiar, it’s time to stop perpetuating the myth that men without resources are victims of manipulation and see this narrative for what it is. And that is that the gold-digger label is a mechanism men use to deflect responsibility.

The thing is, not only is this practice dangerous for women, it’s risky for men, since they can never reach their potential living in their partner’s shadow. The result is a culture of angry men who resent women for their own shortcomings. Everyone caught up in this cycle loses.

Fortunately, not everyone is caught up in this cycle, especially if they recognize the risk of it early on with a partner and remove themselves from it. This applies to women just as much as it does to men. There are good people out there: women who understand that asking for a partnership doesn’t make her a gold digger, and men who aren’t afraid to man up and provide it.

Navigating Consent and Respect When Dating

Dating can be exciting, challenging, fun, and confusing, sometimes all at once. Whatever the emotions involved, two fundamental principles must guide every dating experience. They are consent and respect. 

When working together, these two principles should form the basis of a healthy, meaningful, and fulfilling relationship for both partners. Unfortunately, the concepts are often confused and, worse still, ignored. This can range from unhappiness to a violation of the law.  

Consequently, anyone who’s dating must understand what these two words mean, how they differ, and, most importantly, how they relate to one another. A more detailed discussion of these concepts and how they apply to dating and contribute to relationship success follows. 

Understanding Consent

Consent describes an explicit agreement made without coercion or pressure between all parties involved. For a healthy relationship to exist, there must be consent from everyone. 

When someone consents, they willingly, voluntarily, and enthusiastically (a newer concept describing the positive expression of consent) agree to engage in a specific activity, be it physical, emotional, or intimate. Consent can be verbal or non-verbal (e.g., through body language). 

That said, the highest form of consent is to say yes rather than not saying no. Consent can also be legal and depend on age, which may vary from place to place, as well as on the mental competency of the person giving consent. 

Not surprisingly, implicit in consent is communication, making open and honest discussions about each other’s boundaries and comfort zones critical in both giving and obtaining consent. The same applies to withdrawing consent, which can occur at any time. Listening skills are, therefore, also of paramount importance. 

Respect in Dating

Respect goes hand in hand with consent and is likewise necessary to have a healthy dating dynamic. What does respect look like? Simple (or at least it should be): consideration of your partner’s feelings, needs, and boundaries. Like consent, respect is a cornerstone of any healthy, meaningful relationship.

How adept partners are at commanding respect and demonstrating respect matters. Doing both engenders trust, emotional safety, and mutual understanding between partners. Doing one or neither compromises everything. 

Noticeable signs of respect include active, engaged listening, valuing your partner’s opinions, and showing empathy. Well-recognized signs of disrespect include manipulation, disregard for boundaries, and abuse (verbal, emotional, or physical). 

Less obvious signs of disrespect include talking over someone, walking ahead of them, and gaslighting. Though some of these signs can be difficult to recognize in the moment or when they occur in isolation, taken together, they tell a very different story about the quality of a relationship. 

Where Consent and Respect Converge in Dating

When consent and respect guide a relationship, it’s a sign that both partners are operating on the same page. More specifically, it shows they each understand what’s acceptable and what’s not for one another. The result is that they can coexist in a safe, trusting environment where they feel free to grow not just as a couple but as individuals. 

While protecting the sanctity of a couple should always be a priority, it should be equally important to protect each member of a couple so they don’t lose themselves in the relationship. The presence of consent and respect helps to ensure that each person’s voice is heard and considered.       

Final thoughts …

Consent and respect are not buzzwords but rather principles that should direct you in how you behave in every aspect of your dating life. Meaning, these principles should be continuously practiced and revisited. 

As any relationship evolves, so, too, may the boundaries and preferences of the people involved. Therefore, periodic conversations about consent and respect can go a long way toward keeping you and your partner comfortable. And more importantly, happy and contented in a relationship that you continue to create from your shared vision.

How To Reject Someone Nicely While Preserving Their Dignity — and Yours

One of the most exciting parts of dating someone new is getting to know them and eventually deciding whether this potential match is for you. Very early on, after the first date or two, if you're not feeling it, you may not text anymore and quietly part ways.

But what happens when you've been on several dates? Or you have been talking for a few weeks and realize you are incompatible, but the other person seems all into it — and you? This situation is unlike the first date, when you may mutually "ghost" each other. In this situation, one of you has already become somewhat invested.

In this "gray area," however, it may feel as though no breakup method (text, in person, or ghosting) will ever feel appropriate or respectful, making you want to take the path of least resistance, aka the easy way out. So you think ghosting it is!

No. As a matchmaker, the gray area is an issue I know well because my clients, like all daters, must contend with it, too. When they ask me for advice on how to break things off respectfully, here's what I say.

When rejecting someone you've been dating, don't ghost

I believe that ghosting is just about one of the most disrespectful things you could do to someone, even if you've only been on a few dates. Think about it from the other person's point of view. You're still very early on in your relationship, talking to each other and casually dating, getting to know each other better. Chances are, then, the other person still has their rose-colored glasses on, meaning, if you suddenly ghost, you'd be ripping their hope away, possibly leaving your potential match hurt and confused, wondering what could have been.

Instead, tell this person the truth: You don't want to continue seeing them and want to be upfront about it. Ideally, you should break things off in person. However, if you've only met up once or twice but have been talking regularly on the phone, then breaking things off over the phone is fine. I would avoid ending things over text; I believe it's cowardly because a text allows you to drop the breakup bomb on someone without having to witness any of the fallout.

When breaking up, meet up in a neutral setting with an easy exit

If you choose to meet in person to have the breakup conversation, the location you meet at is as important for your comfort as it is for theirs. Especially for a relationship that has not progressed too far, I would not recommend meeting somewhere isolated, most notably either of your homes. Apart from it being potentially awkward, especially if one of you asks the other person to leave, it could be dangerous. The reality is that you don't know this person well and don't know how they will react.

Instead, meet somewhere open and public, like a coffee shop or park. This way, you can get there, say what you need to say, and once the conversation is over, leave. I wouldn't recommend breaking things off over lunch or dinner either because, whether you decide to end things at the beginning of the meal or the end, it could be stomach-turning.

If you still go the restaurant route, have the conversation when you first sit down, before ordering any drinks or food, so you don't end up feeling chained to the table for an hour trying to make awkward small talk as you both wonder who should grab the check. Hint: If you're the one doing the breaking up, it should be you.

Alternatively, breaking up at the end of the meal can prove difficult, too. The lead-up conversation for an hour beforehand may result in you losing your nerve. Or leave your date feeling like you spent the entire length of the meal feigning interest. One minute, you were interested in how their day went, and the next, you're dumping them. In short, don't linger with your date after your breakup conversation is over.

To plan an in-person breakup, pick a location convenient for the person you've been dating

When using online dating, you and the person you're seeing may not necessarily live that close to each other. Choosing a place near you for the breakup may mean your date must travel, incurring both time and expense. If you're meeting to have what may be only a 10-minute conversation, why make them go through the trouble of commuting to you?

The respectful thing to do would be to make the location of the meetup convenient for them. You're the one looking to end things, so you should go to the trouble of picking somewhere near where they live, so at least it's not a long or potentially expensive way back home after they get the bad news.

While breaking up with someone, watch what you say

Rejection can be challenging for people to grasp, so be kind in the way you word your breakup conversation. Let this person know why you're ending things. If, for instance, you realize that you each have different long-term goals, then say that.

But if you're breaking up because you realized you aren't attracted to or don't like them, be careful about saying that specifically. You don't want to tear this person down, so consider leading the discussion with something about personal incompatibility instead. You also don't want to criticize them, causing any additional pain and self-doubt. They will have enough as it is.

How you manage the hits and misses will define the kind of dater you are. Not to mention, next time, it very well may be you who's sitting at the other side of the table. What goes around comes around.

Why ‘Soft Launching’ a Relationship Is the New Normal

Social media gives us a bird's-eye view, at least a curated one, into the lives of our friends, acquaintances, and people we’ve never met before. That being said, what and how much people share varies and can include the mundane, such as what they ate for lunch that day, or the not-so-mundane, like the fact that they’re dating someone new, which can garner a lot of attention, not always all good. If that someone new is you, or you’re the one thinking about posting an update about your love life, here’s why a ‘soft launch’ of a newish relationship on social media may be the right way to go about announcing it.

You want to create curiosity among your followers.

If you’re interested in sparking your followers’ interest, even alluding to a new relationship is a great way to do it. Whether you’re dropping verbal hints or clues via a picture of two sets of feet with the view of the ocean behind them, two ice cream cones, or a selfie of you and your boo cheek to cheek that alludes to a romantic connection between you, you can create a bit of a stir. Not quite the stir you would if you announced you were getting married, but a stir nonetheless. However, …

You don’t want to cause too much commotion.

For many people in the early stages of dating, implying there’s someone new in their life is enough for them at the stage they’re at. The couple wants some attention, but not so much that it invades their privacy, which can be disruptive, especially in a burgeoning relationship.

Though every relationship is fragile and deserving of protection, a new relationship is especially delicate. Even a minor misunderstanding can lead to its demise. When you soft launch, however, you’re able to stay on top of the information going out as well as the information coming in, the latter of which may not always be desirable, especially if someone viewing your posts isn’t happy to see the two of you together.        

You want to maintain your privacy.

When you don’t share too much too soon, it’s much easier to field questions from those who want to know more now. With a soft launch, the ball is still in your court regarding whether you wish to provide them with more details.

Because you haven’t put a lot out there, you can decide on a case-by-case basis about what further information you want to share and what you don’t. Keep in mind that not everyone will be as protective of your personal life as you are, or will genuinely be happy for you despite saying they are. By sharing information piecemeal, if a problem arises, such as private details becoming public or a rumor starting, you’ll be better positioned to track down where it originated.  

You have an ex and/or kids you’re trying to shield. 

Most people will be happy to hear you’ve found a new relationship. But … some individuals may not be “quite” so elated to hear too much too soon, or first hearing about it on social media.

While you shouldn’t live your life for your ex, depending on the circumstances around your breakup, you still may want to be cautious about how much information comes their way and when, especially if it’s soon after the two of you parted ways.

If it's an ex-spouse specifically, you may want to have a private discussion with them first before they learn online that you’re in a relationship. The same holds for parents who may not be thrilled about the partner you’ve chosen to be your new partner. A brief conversation, however, may help alleviate any shock or anger.

Children are a separate story. If they’re old enough to be on social media, it will generally be better for the health of your relationship with them if you set up a time to discuss your new relationship status before the rest of the world finds out.

Even young children who aren’t on social media can be affected by what you post, simply because people discuss what they see online. So, talk to young children, too, and be careful that what you post won’t be hurtful to them should they find out.

You want to make sure.

We’ve all seen that person sing from the rooftops about their new relationship, post a ton of pics, and profess their undying love and devotion, only to wipe that person from their social media accounts and lives shortly after. It can be embarrassing, not to mention cause unnecessary pain. Going through the disappointment of a breakup isn’t fun; having people watch it in real-time and talk about it is even worse.

A soft launch, alternatively, allows you to ease into revealing to others how the situation is going between you and your new partner. Meaning, you can pace what you share according to how secure you’re feeling as a couple. And if the relationship doesn’t work out, the good news is that most people won’t notice immediately if the posts have stopped and that person has disappeared from your life.

Final Thoughts About Soft Launching a New Relationship

While soft launching a new relationship can be an effective way to protect your heart, you and your partner should both be using this social media strategy for the right reasons. If you are using a soft launch or you feel your partner is using it to hide the fact that you’re in a relationship together, then you should question why you are. Though you and the person you’re with may not want to shout from the rooftops that you’re a couple just yet, you want to make sure that if the question comes up, they will.

Is Talking to Multiple People Fair Game in the Early Stages of Dating?

There are different approaches to dating, some of which tend to cause more confusion than others. One of the questions often debated by singles, maybe even you, is whether to date multiple people in the early stages of dating or devote your attention to one person at a time. As a matchmaker who, after over 30 years in the business, has lived through more dating trends than I can count, dating multiple people in the early stages of dating is not only fair game, but also smart. Here’s why.

It Increases Your Odds of Finding a Match

While 42% of the U.S. population is unpartnered, amounting to millions of people to choose from theoretically, most of the people you encounter will be a “not for me.” The same goes for the people you date, who will likely feel the same way:

Not everyone will want to start a relationship with you on your timeline or at all. Fair enough. Everyone’s looking for something different. Factor in chemistry, which, when absent, can nix even the most seemingly perfect person on paper, and the pool has just gotten smaller.

However, when you talk to and date multiple people at once during the early stages of dating, you are casting a wider net than you would if you were engaging with one person at a time. Annoying, I get it. And time-consuming. But in the long run, approaching dating this way actually prevents you from wasting valuable time with the wrong people.

It Prevents You From Becoming Too Invested Too Fast

When dating, it’s tempting to try to fit a round peg in a square hole. Meaning, trying to find characteristics in the person you’re seeing that could fit your list of must-haves in order for a relationship to work for you.

If you are talking to and dating more than one person, however, it becomes a lot easier to be discerning. To say to yourself that this situation doesn’t feel right, and not become invested too fast in someone with whom a relationship, or the relationship you want, won’t be possible.

It Allows You to Make Comparisons

Unfortunately, it’s not always easy to identify right off the bat if someone has the qualities you want in a partner. But when you’re seeing several people at the outset, you are better positioned to make comparisons between them.

Is this person communicating with you regularly? Is this person treating you with respect? Is this person someone whose company you enjoy? When you have multiple people to compare, these questions become a lot easier to answer. Someone’s usually in the lead.

It Enables You to Move On Without Second-Guessing

Related to the above, if someone you’re dating is clearly in the lead for you, it makes it so much easier to say goodbye to the other people you’re talking to or dating. Mind you, there may be no one in the lead; they may all be equally incompatible.

In this case, you still have the information you need to move forward and start from scratch by talking to new people and setting up dates with them. As you repeat this process, the odds stay in your favor that you’ll come across someone you want to date on repeat and who wants to date you.

It Keeps You in the Mix

It’s safe to say that not every date will lead to a relationship. That being said, a relationship that’s going nowhere could lead to a relationship with someone else that will go somewhere. Somewhere good. Let me explain.

When you meet someone you like but with whom you are not compatible, and they feel the same about you, they may know someone to set you up with. Happens all the time, which is why it’s best to be in the mix of singles in your area. When you’re talking to multiple people, you’re in the mix.

Not to mention, you can be the one to connect people you meet on dates if they’re not your match. Sending out positive vibes into the universe is never a bad thing.

It Makes You More Desirable

Demonstrating that you are in demand and being consistently praised by those you’ve dated in the past makes you desirable. That’s just human nature.

Keep in mind, though, that you want to be desired in the right way. So, treat people well. More importantly, treat yourself well, with dignity and respect, and maintain high standards. Always.

It Keeps the Playing Field Level

Most people talk to and date multiple people at once until they commit to being not only monogamous but also in an exclusive and committed relationship with only each other. By talking to and going on dates with multiple people until both of these things happen, you are keeping the playing field level since the people you are dealing with are likely doing the same.

Don’t give anyone the girlfriend or boyfriend experience unless they’re doing the same for you. You’re worth waiting for, and the right person will wait for you.

Are Your Dating Standards Healthy or Unrealistic?

The dating pool is so large that, at times, it can feel ominous, which is why sticking to a pre-determined set of principles can help you eliminate those who aren’t compatible with your long-term goals. That being said, if you aren’t finding eligible singles to date, it can be a sign that it’s time to re-examine your standards to determine whether some of them may be unrealistic expectations in disguise that are interfering with your search. With this in mind, here are a few tips for how to make the distinction.

What Healthy Dating Standards Look Like

It’s not so hard to recognize healthy standards when you know what you’re looking at. A healthy standard could be wanting to date someone who treats you with respect, listens when you speak, and makes an effort to spend quality time with you. These are realistic “wants” that are both rooted in your values and can support you in finding a meaningful relationship.

Healthy standards can also include lifestyle choices and compatibility. For example, you may want someone who shares your faith or who values physical activity because that’s part of your daily routine. You may want someone who is fiscally responsible or who enjoys spending time with family and friends who are like family, because you live your life this way, too.

Searching for a partner who looks like a model, makes a lot of money, and has no emotional baggage? Consider whether you could hold yourself to those same standards. If the answer is no, your expectations may need some tweaking.

The point is that healthy standards should align with qualities that make you feel safe, supported, and seen in a relationship. When you hold to standards that are inexorably tied to maintaining self-respect and fulfilling your needs, you are effectively taking measures to protect yourself from falling into a relationship that will leave you unhappy or unfulfilled. Though it’s not a given that this won’t happen, the odds are more in your favor that you’ll discover positive interactions, even if those relationships don’t last a lifetime. 

Signs Your Standards Might Be Too Rigid

Being selective is simply smart dating behavior. There is a caveat, though: Sometimes standards can be so rigid that no one will ever have a shot of getting close to you.

How do you know if this is happening? Easy. If you consistently find yourself dismissing people for minor reasons, if you keep finding reasons to cut new people loose before they have a chance to show you who they are, making second dates rare for you, that is reason enough to take a step back.

If you flat-out refuse to date someone, for example, because they don’t share a particular interest of yours or because they do not meet an exact height requirement, you may be selling viable matches short (no pun intended). Bottom line: The problem may be in your stringent list of requirements rather than with the actual people you’re meeting.

The way to change this behavior is to get to the reasons underlying it. Rigid standards are often a manifestation of fear. If you are worried about being hurt, you might be using dealbreakers as a means of protecting yourself. While self-preservation is natural, too much of a good thing can hinder your chances of meeting your person. Recognizing this pattern is the first step toward deviating from it. So, what do too many dealbreakers look like in action?

Spotting Unrealistic Expectations

Unrealistic expectations often show up as demands that no person could meet. Wanting a partner who will never disagree with you, never struggle emotionally or physically, or who is always available when you want them to be will only disappoint you. Everyone has flaws, needs, and desires, and expecting otherwise sets new prospects (and you) up for failure.

Another signal that your expectations might be unrealistic and unproductive is when your dating goals are more geared toward superficial factors, such as appearance or social status, rather than a person’s character and values. For example, only wanting a partner who drives a specific car or eats at certain restaurants regularly will not guarantee a satisfying relationship or a sense of fulfillment. Likely, you’ll end up with quite the opposite.

Healthy Standards Leave Room for Differences

Healthy relationships come from knowing what’s important to you while still allowing room to learn from one another and for each other’s differences and curiosity. The sweet spot is when you honor your non-negotiables while still leaving space for you and a partner to flourish as a couple and as individuals.

When respect and honesty are at the top of your priorities for a relationship, then you have a good chance at finding long-term satisfaction. Other, less significant details, such as your favorite TV shows or hobbies, typically end up mattering less in the long run.

If you are unclear on what qualities rank high for you, try sorting your standards into categories. These can include your must-haves, would-be-nice-to-haves, and dealbreakers.

Questions to Ask Yourself Before Ruling Someone Out

Before deciding someone is not right for you, ask yourself: Am I rejecting this person for a reason related to our compatibility, or am I reacting to something superficial? Does their lifestyle not mesh with mine in such a way that it would lead to long-term conflict for us, or is it simply a detail that won’t carry much weight for the long haul?

Another valid question to ask yourself is whether you are being fair to people you don’t know well. Are you holding potential partners to standards you can and would also be willing to meet? A healthy relationship relies on mutual effort, not a one-sided list of demands, so if you’re coming in with such a list, it’s time to check yourself.

Finally, ask whether time and patience might reveal more about this person. Some people open up slower than others, and dismissing people too quickly may cause you to miss out on an individual who could have been a strong match once you had gotten to know them better.

Final Thoughts

Recognizing unrealistic expectations is not the same as compromising your worth. No one, no relationship, should ever cause you to do that. But what it does signal is that you’ve taken the initiative to verify that the qualities you are focusing on are, in fact, the qualities that also must be present in a relationship for it to last, like honesty, kindness, and emotional availability.

Most of us start out thinking that we have a “type,” and in some ways that may be true. The thing is, some of the best relationships I’ve seen began when two people stepped away from their type to give the other a chance. Only to find that this person, and not the others they had dated before them, was exactly their type after all.

The Etiquette of Wishing Your Ex a ‘Happy Birthday’ After a Breakup

Birthdays are special occasions, deserving of recognition. On birthdays, people from near and far, from all parts of your life, seem, like magic, to emerge out of their own busy existence with texts, social media messages, and sometimes plans to celebrate your special day with you. It’s a wonderful feeling to know you’ve made an impression, even in some small way, on the people you’ve met, and sometimes haven’t.

Where these simple, seemingly polite platitudes become a less-than-wonderful experience is when you hear them from an ex you are no longer communicating with due to a recent split, or haven’t spoken to in months or even years, and have gone your separate ways. At the very least, a simple “Happy Birthday” text can leave you scratching your head as to why this person suddenly reached out after nothing but silence and what their intentions are for doing so. Far more concerning is when that outreach has the effect of disrupting your life.     

The etiquette surrounding birthday wishes after a breakup is highly debated, and there are a couple of reasons why: The person on the receiving end (1) might not want to hear from their ex, and (2) if they do want to, could misinterpret their ex’s intentions. With these two factors in mind, here’s what to do if you receive an unexpected birthday wish from an ex or are considering sending one.

Ask Yourself How You Feel About Hearing From Your Ex

Upon receiving a birthday text from your ex, ask yourself how you feel about it. Does it make you anxious, or are you happy to hear from them? If you are excited, are you envisioning something happening between you because they wished you a happy birthday?

It’s imperative to take time to understand why you feel the way you do. If you are anxious, is it because this person has the capacity to hurt you emotionally, physically, or both? Have they in the past? Should either scenario be applicable, it’s best to take measures to protect yourself.

If hearing from your ex excites you, it can help to take a step back and examine the birthday message at face value. Are they saying something to you beyond “Happy Birthday,” like “I love you, I’ve missed you, I want us to be together,” in which case their intentions for reaching out are clear? Or does their simple wish leave you wondering what is actually in their head? The answers to these questions should direct how you want to respond, if at all.  

Decide Whether You Want to Respond

If you believe your ex’s entrance into your life will cause you harm, either by their deliberate actions or because of the emotions they raise in you, by all means, don’t respond. This may sound harsh and may even sound mean. However, you don’t owe an ex anything, including your attention. This is still true if they accompany their birthday wishes with a grand(er) gesture, such as flowers or a gift. Again, you don’t owe this person so much as a thank you.   

On the other hand, if you are happy to hear from your ex and want to reply, you now have your invitation. However, be cautious, as you still don’t know their intentions for reaching out. Yes, it may seem like they want you back, given their reappearance. However, people can have many reasons for reaching out to an ex besides wanting them back. Those reasons could include missing you (but still not wanting a romantic relationship with you), curiosity about what’s going on in your life, guilt about the way they treated you or how things ended, a desire to be friends, a desire to appear the good guy or girl, or wanting sex. 

The best way to find out what they want is simply to ask. That may feel awkward to do, but asking can save you heartache. No, you won’t scare them off if they want a relationship with you; they will be more than happy to say that if it’s what they want.

Here’s the critical part: They will then demonstrate through their actions that they are willing to do the work to get you back. Remember, for a relationship to work following a breakup, something has to fundamentally change in the new relationship so you both can move forward feeling more secure as a couple. 

Think Long and Hard About the Consequences of Sending a Birthday Wish to Your Ex

Given how much confusion can arise from a birthday wish to an ex, it can be worth spending a few moments considering the effect popping into someone’s life you have history with can have on them. Sure, it may feel good in the moment, and you may get the payoff you’re looking for, but it may not feel so good for your ex and can, in fact, hurt them. Is the benefit to you worth that pain to them?

Unless you mean business, unless you want to try and win your ex back, and unless you feel like your appearance will be welcomed by your ex, it is best to stay silent and let your ex live in peace on their birthday and every other day of the year. If you genuinely care about your ex, your silence may become the best birthday gift you ever give them.

Embracing Second Chances: The Empowerment of Choice

Life rarely unfolds the way we first imagine. Many of us have lived through chapters filled with love, loss, growth, and change. For those who are divorced or widowed, the idea of dating again later in life can feel daunting — even overwhelming. But what if this chapter isn’t about fear or regret, but about freedom? What if second chances are where the most meaningful love stories begin?

When you were younger, love often came with expectations: start a family, build a home, follow the timeline society set for you. Choices may have felt limited, rushed, or influenced by what others thought you “should” do. But now, you carry something you didn’t have then — wisdom. With that wisdom comes clarity, and with clarity comes the empowerment of choice.

A second chance isn’t about recreating the past. It’s about stepping into the future with intention. At this stage of life, you know what matters most. You know the value of kindness, respect, and shared values. You know the difference between being with someone out of necessity and choosing someone who brings joy, companionship, and true connection.

Today, you are free to choose differently. Free to set boundaries. Free to decide what kind of partner you want and what kind of relationship you deserve. That freedom isn’t a burden — it’s a gift. It allows you to say no to relationships that don’t serve you and yes to opportunities that enrich your life.

Embracing second chances means reclaiming your story. You’re not starting over at the beginning — you’re starting again, but with a lifetime of lessons behind you. And this time, you get to write the story on your terms. Love after 50 isn’t about following a script. It’s about embracing authenticity, passion, and companionship in a way that feels right for you.

Second chances aren’t just possible — they can be the most fulfilling chapter yet. Because when you choose from a place of wisdom and self-awareness, you’re no longer settling. You’re creating. You’re curating. You’re stepping into a love story defined not by circumstance, but by the power of your choice.

Tips for Dating When You’re in Recovery for Alcohol or Drugs

When you’re sober, in recovery, or have recovered from alcoholism or drugs (there are various ways to describe this journey, with some nuance), it’s a fairly common sentiment to recognize that staying healthy requires care. That being said, how, at what level, and in what circumstances such care will look like will depend on the individual. Given the emotions involved, including highs, lows, and everything in between, dating can be one of the circumstances where extra attention is warranted. With this in mind, here are a few suggestions if you’re looking for love amid recovery.

Start with Self-Check: Where Are You Now?

Before dating, it’s important to make sure you’re ready for the investment of time, money, intention, and emotion that dating demands, at least if you plan on doing it “well,” whatever well means to you. Your self-check should not be a fleeting thought, either.

Rather, you should think through your decision to start dating over a period of days, weeks, or even months, reminding yourself that you are always free to stop if you don’t feel comfortable. This is your life and you are in control of it.

Know What You’re Looking For, and What You’re Not

Consider what qualities you are looking for in a partner. Also, think about a potential partner’s lifestyle and whether you believe it will mesh with yours.

If, for example, you are using a dating app and come across someone who enjoys frequenting breweries or is interested in wine tastings, this may not be something you’re comfortable with or will be interested in. While it may have been in the past, you are who you are today. Having a clear picture of who you’re looking for will help weed out obvious mismatches early.

Be Honest About Your History (When You're Ready)

It’s helpful for the health of a burgeoning relationship to be honest about your history early on, but only when you’re ready. How early will, again, depend on you and your comfort level. For some people, that may mean putting it in their dating profile. For others, it might mean having a conversation a few dates in if it looks like a relationship is taking hold.

The subject of addiction could be part of a conversation you initiate, or it could come up organically. What’s important is not hiding a part of yourself that could be relevant to someone else’s decision-making when choosing a partner they will be comfortable with.

It’s better to know sooner rather than later if some aspect of your life will change that person’s thoughts on a relationship. Your time is valuable, and you are valuable. So, you want to find someone who wants to be with you. All of you.

Pay Attention to How You Feel Around Them

As in any new relationship, you will want to pay close attention to how you feel not only when you are in the company of someone you’re dating but also when you’re apart. Both are telling.

If you are relaxed and comfortable either way, that is a good sign. But it doesn’t mean you have met your “one” just yet. This is a question to ask continually, as people reveal more about themselves over time.

Remember, you are evaluating your partner just as much as they are evaluating you. While someone may be a great person, it doesn’t mean they will be s great relationship partner for you. This holds even if they are fully supportive of your recovery.

Protect Your Routine and Wellness

While dating, or if you end up getting into a serious relationship, always take care to protect the routine you’ve established that helps you stay sober or clean. This will create a strong foundation for your relationship and your life.

You are, as always, your own best advocate, meaning that your health and wellness must always remain your priority. If you find that the person you’re dating or the relationship you’re in as a whole is putting that at risk, it’s time to reassess whether you’re situation is one you want to remain in.

A strong relationship not only keeps its partners strong, but it also makes them stronger as couples and as individuals. This is because there is power in numbers, especially when it’s two people who love and support each other. So ask yourself: Are you, or could you be, that person for the one you’re with, and, just as importantly, are they or could they be that for you? 

Should I Consider Dating Someone Who’s in Recovery?

Being in recovery from alcohol or drugs is an accomplishment worthy of celebration. The road to get there was undoubtedly difficult for the person who traversed it, and it is never far from their mind.

As someone who has not been on this path, dating an individual who has may cause you to wonder if you should get involved with them. After all, as an outsider, there’s no way for you to fully know or understand what challenges getting to that place of recovery entailed or the challenges they face every day to stay there.

With these considerations in mind, should you give someone in recovery a chance as a relationship partner? Here are a few questions you may want to consider.

Are you understanding of addiction as a disease?

Addiction is a disease. A chronic disease. As a chronic disease, it’s possible to get it under control so that its ill effects never resurface, but if the conditions are right, it’s best to remember that it could. And if it does, it can dismantle the life the person in recovery has worked hard to create, as well as dismantle the lives of those around them.

For those who’ve been around addiction, they’ve seen and, therefore, know what addiction can look like in its worst moments. For those who haven’t, it can be a struggle to comprehend how a relapse can happen and what it takes to recover from it, which will invariably include the support of the people in that person’s life. Support that they may or may not be willing to admit they need or accept readily.

This all can be a jolt for someone unfamiliar with addiction. That said, it doesn’t mean you can’t become more literate on the subject.  

Are you interested in learning more about addiction?

If you are up for learning more about addiction because you want to support a partner, there’s much to learn. Though you may never understand completely what it’s like to be addicted to alcohol or drugs if that hasn’t been your life experience, there are copious resources available to become more fluent in addiction. Learning more can help you not only decide whether you want to be in a relationship with someone in recovery but also what your relationship could look like on its worst days.

Informed decisions are usually the ones you won’t regret later. Not to mention, there are no guarantees with anything in life, including that someone who’s never been addicted will develop addiction later.

Are you in a position to be supportive of a partner who’s in recovery?

When considering dating someone in recovery, it’s helpful not only to think about what could happen if that person relapses and what your role in that situation would be, but also to imagine what your support would require when they’re doing well and at their strongest. Here’s why.

Being in recovery requires an ongoing commitment from the individual who has the disease. It stands to reason that they shouldn’t be with someone who won’t be tolerant of their need to not be in situations that could compromise their well-being. Are you in a place in your life where you are willing to make your partner part of your decision-making for the choices you make for yourself?

If having a cocktail, for example, is something you enjoy and are not willing to give up, it’s helpful to be honest with yourself and your potential partner early on. It may not bother them at all. But in all fairness, they, too, should know more about your likes and habits before they decide to date you. A real relationship requires commitment from both partners to succeed.

Are you willing to love someone for who they are?

Someone who has an addiction in their past may have moments behind them as well that they aren’t proud of or wish didn’t happen. This, of course, goes for anyone, but for someone who’s dealt with an addiction, those feelings can be more pronounced.

The last thing an individual in recovery will need in their life is a partner who holds their past against them. More than that, like you, they will need someone to love them for who they are. Ask yourself honestly: Are you capable of being that person for them?

Final Thoughts

People everywhere, especially as we age, can suffer from a chronic illness. Addiction is just one of these diseases. However, like every disease, it has its unique characteristics, making it wise to familiarize yourself with them before taking on the role of partner.

Genuine partnerships involve good days, bad days, and monotonous days. That’s life. And in life, we all have choices, including whether we are up for the job of being the strong and devoted partner someone else deserves. 

It’s Your First Trip Together: Who Pays?

The question of who pays when taking a trip with a new partner for the first time is common. It’s not surprising, as many factors can come into play when deciding what feels right to you personally and for the health of your new relationship. If you’re about to embark on this milestone (which raises different financial considerations from dating) and are unsure how best to handle the money, here are a few questions to ask yourself before deciding, not in any specific order.

Who did the inviting?

Even though one person does the inviting, it’s helpful not to rely on that as code for that person offering to pick up the tab, even though it would stand to reason they would. This assumption is no longer necessarily true in today’s dating world.

If you’re at all concerned about expectations, you should leave nothing up to chance. Ask. Just because someone is wealthy or has more money than you do doesn’t mean they will automatically want or expect to pay for everything.

How long have you known each other?

It’s important to consider how long you’ve known each other. Yes, some people take trips with a partner they haven’t known for very long. As long as you’re being safe, meaning you’ve vetted them as best you can, that’s your prerogative.

That being said, though you may be fine investing your time in someone you don’t know well, you also need to consider what financial investment you’re comfortable with. Even a weekend away can be pricey.

To avoid unwanted surprises, consider whether you would feel more comfortable going to Capri with friends, as they’re a known quantity. This means you can pretty much count on your trip not getting ruined, as new relationships that haven’t endured the stressors of traveling together can fall apart fast.

What can each of you afford?

If you’re still up for taking the risk that the trip may not be all you hoped for because of who you’re with, it’s best to really look at the numbers and then add to your budget in case the trip doesn’t go according to plan and you need to part ways while away. Translation: You could end up paying more than you expected.

Should you determine that your budget doesn’t allow for what you’re either proposing or have been invited to, speak up immediately. You don’t know this person for long or well, and they have no allegiance to you or your financial well-being. That’s on you.

Be your own advocate from the beginning, and avoid awkward situations or spending more than you want to or can. Paying for a vacation months after you get home, even if it went great, can tarnish the memories.

Do you see a future with this person?

This question also speaks to investment. If you don’t see a future with this person, be honest with yourself and them about your feelings before going away together. First, a sincere person doesn’t take from someone, whether a meal or a trip, when they have already decided they’re not into that person and don’t see a future. So, if that’s you, and you’re just looking to have a good time, think about contributing.

Second, you always have the option to say you’d like to see where your relationship heads before taking a couples trip. You’re not taking the possibility of traveling together off the table for good, but just for right now. You may feel differently later.

Will you be happy with the arrangement you’re considering?

If, after going through the above analysis with yourself and the person you’re dating, you decide to move forward with the trip and have agreed to a financial arrangement, make sure you’re happy with it. This goes for today and after you get back. There’s nothing like harboring resentment to snuff out a spark.

A better alternative? Treat that spark with care, as you would a campfire you’re trying to light. As you probably know, to get a good fire going, it takes patience, attention, and respect for the forces of nature.

Burgeoning love is one of those forces, leaving it up to you to handle it and those who potentially offer it with respect. The person you’re dating should do the same for you. As you will discover, when you and a partner have the same itinerary, it will become much more likely that you will find yourself on the trip of a lifetime in every way that matters.