I Just Found My S.O. on the Dating Apps. What Should I Do?

A single friend tips you off. Or you’ve been doing your own snooping incognito on a dating app or in an “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook group. It doesn’t matter. The result is the same: You learn your S.O. is, at a minimum, presenting himself to others as single and available.  

Has he cheated? Depends on who you ask or what you want to believe. Cheating or micro-cheating, you can no longer trust this person. The only question that remains is what you should do next. Here are your options.     

Ask them directly and see what they say 

Sometimes the best answer is the most obvious. In this situation, that is to ask them: “I understand that you are on a dating app. Why?”  

Be prepared that, especially if they are an expert gaslighter, their first instinct will be to turn the tables on you and ask how you knew instead of offering an explanation. Have your answer ready and do your best not to let them derail the conversation.  

Pay attention to their answer and how you want to proceed from there. Caveat: They may get creative: they were looking for their ex, they were curious, one of their buddies dared them. Whatever it is, it shouldn’t matter. If they are in a relationship with you, they shouldn’t be on a dating app. End of story.  

That said, what you want to do about your relationship is a different story. There isn’t only one option, and deciding which option to take may require some research on your part. Of course, you can always end things based on the fact that they are on a dating site. But if you don’t want to, … 

Do a little more digging before you decide 

Yes, get all your facts straight so you can make a decision you’re comfortable with. No, gathering information isn’t about them; it’s about you.  

The purpose of your fact-finding is not to have an inquisition (unless you want to). It’s to know that whatever you decide, you have all your facts at hand and you’re making a decision you can live with, which may include working on your relationship and delving into why they wanted to be on a dating app at all.  

Take a break to think without their input 

There’s a lot to consider, and you don’t need to make a split-second decision about how you want to proceed with your significant other after learning they are on a dating app. Likely, you’re in shock. The better option is to take a break so you can collect yourself and gather any additional evidence you want. 

This period should be free of input from your partner. They should be out of your space, and you should be out of theirs. This means headspace, too. Take a few days away from them, or if you are living under the same roof and are not in a position to leave, make the topic off limits until you’re ready.  

But don’t take too long. You don’t want to live in a pressure cooker or state of limbo, either.  

Set a boundary and watch what happens next 

Once you make a decision about the future of your relationship, set boundaries around it. Whether you stay or go, there needs to be rules.  

For example, if you decide to continue on in the relationship, your partner needs to be off all dating apps and, obviously, not dating. They need to be completely committed to you, not committing acts of micro-cheating that make you uncomfortable. The burden should be on them to make you want to stay.  

Keep in mind though, staying isn’t your excuse to punish them, whether by fighting nonstop about it or leveling the field by going on a dating app as well. If you feel inclined to engage in such unproductive behavior or they do, it’s probably a sign to consider another option: leaving.  

Walk away and don’t look back 

When you are in a relationship and your partner disrespects you, you don’t have to stay. How much you love them or how much time you have in shouldn’t matter, although it’s natural to consider those factors when evaluating your life together. What’s not natural is being with a person who continues to do things that make you feel bad or question your value. Not acceptable.  

The great thing about dating is that it offers possibilities and hope for the future, both of which mean your current partner doesn’t have to be the only person in the world for you. This is especially true if they’ve already been looking around for someone else they could potentially be with. A real partner will only have eyes for you.  

Signs a Man Wants a Mother, Not a Wife

Who a woman chooses as her partner affects every aspect of her life. Studies have repeatedly shown that women bear the brunt of the invisible labor performed in male-female households. Why? Because the partners they’ve chosen haven’t risen to the occasion. Not because they can’t, however. But because they prefer not to.  

They like it the way it is, which is to let their female counterpart take care of them and everything else. This woman works outside the home, just like her husband or partner does, only to return at the end of the day to the burden of all the cooking, cleaning, child care, planning, budgeting, grocery shopping, errands, and more. Even if she is a stay-at-home parent while he works outside the home, once he walks in the door, his day is over, while hers continues until bedtime, when she will be on duty should any of the children wake up. 

How did this woman end up with such a man? Probably because she didn’t see the signs, or if she did, it didn’t register what they would look like as time went on. Such behavior isn’t reserved for new partners or spouses, either. If a man has lived this existence with a previous partner, spouse, or spouses, chances are, he’s still looking for a mother, not a wife. Here’s how to tell.       

He expects you to manage his life and make all decisions.  

He has made you (and you have unwittingly agreed) his alarm clock, calendar, and personal assistant. You not only remind him of his dentist appointments but also schedule them.  

He leaves his clothes on the floor for you to pick up, or if he’s well-behaved, he’ll leave them in the hamper for you, expecting you to wash them. And you do. You make dinner reservations and plan trips. You run his errands. You do anything and everything so he doesn’t have to.  

Not only that, you are the lead decision-maker in your household because (a) he’s incapable of making a decision, or (b) doesn’t want to, so if the decision turns out to be a bad one, he won’t be to blame. You’re in charge. At least, he’s led you to think you are.  

He doesn’t contribute unless you ask him to.  

It’s not like this 100% of the time. No, not at all, because if you ask him to do something, he’ll pitch in or do what you’ve asked. But he won’t be happy about it, which he’ll surely let you know.  

You see, when you ask, you’re nagging. This isn’t his responsibility, his job. Yes, he’s doing you a favor.  

Yes, you should be grateful. Yes, you’re resentful he didn’t do it on his own, that you had to ask, and now he’s giving you an attitude about it. So what do you do? You stop asking because it’s not worth the trouble.  

He expects praise for basic tasks (or nothing at all). 

He’s done some task, something not even that great, like taking out the trash or picking up an item at the grocery store you need for a dinner you’re making for him. But he now expects your praise. A simple thank you will not suffice: “Are you happy? Will this shut you up?”  

“Thank you,” you mutter under your breath, promising yourself you won’t ask for anything because this is too much, this repulsive behavior from him that you must deal with regularly. Is he your partner or a petulant child, not even your own?     

He avoids emotional responsibility.  

He’s in a bad mood now. You put him in it by asking him to help, or because something at work is distressing him, which you weren’t sensitive to, and now you’ve made it worse. He lashes out. Yells at you, looks at you with disdain.  

Later, he apologizes for his outburst. His bad mood. Taking it out on you. You say you forgive him, but deep down, you don’t. How could you when these episodes are a part of your regular dynamic? He disgusts you and wonders why you’re not affectionate toward him and why you don’t tell him how good-looking he is.  

Easy. Because he isn’t to you.  

He skirts boundaries and doesn’t want to take accountability.  

He walks a fine line, this guy. He thinks he’s invincible and untouchable because he’s managed to pick and choose people to surround himself with who don’t know the real him but who find him helpful, charismatic, amusing, and kind-hearted and tell him so, feeding his ego. This is not the person you’ve come to experience in private.  

But how he acts in private is because of you, not him. You’ve made him behave this way toward you due to your poor attitude, physical and mental exhaustion, and inability to laugh at his jokes, which are often subtle digs at you.  

You have no sense of humor. You’re overbearing, and those instances of micro-cheating you’ve pointed out? It and you are a joke, like other women, since micro-cheating is a construct devised by women.  

He’s more comfortable being cared about than caring for others.   

What do all of these signs point to? That he’s more comfortable being cared about than caring for others, especially you, though no one who’s not in his inner circle will see this, and maybe not even them. Given the picture he’s taken great lengths to paint, they will see the opposite. Point this out to him, that he treats you differently from everyone else, his only concern will be that you will eventually tell someone, and that they will believe you.  

So he goes full throttle on what he’s been doing all along, more so if you finally walk away, which is laying the groundwork behind your back that you are different from how you appear, and once again, he’s a victim. Good thing his real mommy will jump in to comfort him, reassuring him what a good boy, ahem man, he is, giving him the confidence he needs to do this all over again with some other unsuspecting woman.  

Know the signs, and let that not be (or continue to be) you.   

Revenge Porn: When Intimacy Becomes Exploitation

When you’re in a relationship, sometimes you do things you would never have expected yourself to do. This includes sharing sexually explicit pictures of yourself with a partner.  

You take comfort in the idea that this exchange is something you are doing together, for one another’s eyes only. Or, you reluctantly agree at your partner’s urging to take said photos, despite being uncomfortable, since “this is what couples do,” and no one but the two of you will see them.  

Unfortunately, not everyone stands by their word. Relationships can sour, rendering these pictures valuable for someone intent on seeking revenge or blackmailing you.  

Even if your relationship hasn’t ended, your partner can turn out to be someone far different from the person you thought they were and violate your trust. After a breakup or a fight, or because they have no integrity, they could share images of you without your knowledge with others or post them on social media with the intent of strongarming you into doing something you don’t want to do.  

Regardless of the circumstances, you discover what they’ve done or intend to do and panic. What should you do next?   

Gather as much information as you can 

The first thing you’ll want to do, especially if the lines of communication between you and your partner/former partner are still open, is to find out what exactly they shared or posted and with whom. Sometimes the best answer is the most obvious one, meaning they might just tell you, either to rub your face in it, because they’re remorseful, or they’re now scared about what they’ve done.  

Stay calm no matter what they say, and gather your facts, including the names and contact information for witnesses, as in the people who may have first alerted you that your partner shared your images. Document everything in a place where your partner doesn’t have shared access. 

Contact the police and a lawyer  

Contact the police to report the incident. How revenge porn will be addressed criminially is left to the states, with most states having laws on the books mentioning it. There is a commonality: In every state, it is illegal to share sexual images or video of someone under the age of 18. However, presently, no federal laws exist that address revenge porn. 

Next, speak with an attorney who has experience with revenge porn cases. Depending on your case's jurisdiction and unique facts, you may have a criminal or civil case you can pursue. 

Report the images if you can  

This is a tricky one, since the Communications Decency Act of 1996, which regulates internet porn, states that websites and internet providers aren’t legally responsible for what their users post on their sites. Unless the images break copyright or federal criminal laws, they are not obligated to take the pictures down.  

Some platforms may remove the photos if they determine that publishing them has violated their user guidelines. It doesn’t hurt to ask; it may be your most straightforward path.   

Hire an expert to remove the images 

There are people for hire who specialize in removing unwanted images from the internet, known as takedown or reputation repair services. While this can be effective, it isn’t easy, nor will it necessarily be 100% effective.  

You can also request that the person you were involved with, who originally posted the image or images, remove what of them they can. Though this can help your objectives, it likely won’t be fully effective since the internet has a far reach and a long memory.  

Call on a mental health professional for support  

Knowing that intimate images of you are in the hands of those who don’t have your best interests at heart can be distressing, to say the least. And that’s if you’re lucky not to suffer further repercussions, such as job loss or having it complicate your ongoing divorce.  

The mental effect, including being violated by someone you trusted, can be reason enough to call in a mental health professional. Don’t wait. You deserve to feel supported.  

Think twice about sharing sensitive images 

Whether you’ve shared compromising images with a partner before and would do it again, or have thought about doing it for the first time if the opportunity presented itself, consider how you would feel if the rest of the world were privy to what you shared. 

Not sure? Here’s the litmus test: “How would I feel if …” Then complete the sentence with … “if my boss, mother, sister, child, or anyone I didn’t know saw them,” and act accordingly.  

Though you can do damage control afterward, being your own advocate is much easier. Someone who protects their peace as if the quality of their life depends on it. Because it does.  

For informational purposes only. This article does not constitute legal advice. 

Bill Belichick’s Relationship Sparks Debate: Would You Consider a May-December Romance?

Bill Belichick, 73, the former general manager of the New England Patriots, has been turning heads in recent days for his relationship with the former Bridgewater State University cheerleader, Jordan Hudson, 24, as more new details emerge about their relationship. This includes a sizeable real estate portfolio in Hudson’s name.

Though the story of the hour, May-December romances, romantic relationships between a younger (May) and older (December) person, are nothing new. Cher, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Robert De Niro have all been in relationships with much younger partners. But do they work?  

Though there’s the argument that the heart wants what the heart wants, like any relationship, a May-December romance won’t always be sunshine and roses. Far from it. May-December relationships can present unique challenges due to the significant age gap involved — challenges you should be prepared for should you decide to pursue this option. They follow.  

You are at different life stages. 

It doesn’t have to be as pronounced as the age gap between Belichick and Hudson to have an impact; if you and your partner are at different stages of life and have different goals around career and family, it can present issues in your relationship.  

Consider the following: One of you is recently divorced after being a stay-at-home parent and is trying to restart your career at midlife, not just for the money but because you are excited about the prospect of it. Your partner, however, has worked for decades and sees retirement on the horizon, presenting a chance to exit the rat race and travel more often. Or you are the parent of two adult children, while your partner is looking to start a family.  

In either scenario, a compromise may be necessary. But ask yourself: Do you want to be the reason why your partner has denied themselves something this important, or the person doing the compromising? Will either of you come to regret it later? These are the types of questions, among others, that you’ll need to answer before going further together.   

You and your partner will miss cultural references due to generational gaps.  

Perhaps not as significant as changing your life plans based on the stage of life you’re at, but lack of knowledge about music, slang, tech, and societal norms, such as views on relationship status, can, at a minimum, make for some awkward moments. Over time, it can lead to a divide.  

Part of being in a relationship is not only having things to talk about but also relating. A knowing glance or a chuckle can be one of the ties that bind two people. When you constantly have to explain something, no matter how kind the tone is used and how well-intentioned it is, it can cause feelings of loneliness and isolation. This is especially pronounced when each partner’s friends in group settings miss the same references.  

Family, friends, and onlookers may judge.   

Even if you’re not a celebrity or notable figure, friends, family, or the onlooker at the grocery store may criticize, question, or offer a look of disapproval about your relationship. Whether it’s to doubt the legitimacy of the love you share or either of your motives for being in the relationship, hearing the commentary from others can sting. Live in the public eye, the chatter can become exponentially louder. 

There can be an inherent power imbalance due to age and experience.   

Differences in financial status, life experience, or confidence can create subtle or overt questions of control, specifically about who’s running the show. Go back to Belichick and Hudson, for a moment: Hudson is coming under fire for reportedly interrupting a recent interview to dictate which questions they would and would not answer, leading to speculation about why.  

Whatever the case may be for this happy couple, age doesn’t necessarily imply that the older person is in control. This is especially true when cognitive function comes into question, as it did in the dynamic between the late model Anna Nicole Smith and her much older spouse.   

Long-term planning can be complicated.  

Though no one likes thinking about how much time they have left, and there’s no guarantee as to how long someone will live, life expectancy is what it is. It’s no secret that as we grow older, health challenges, including mobility, become more of a concern. So does cognitive decline.  

In light of the above factors, conversations around conceiving and raising children can become complicated. So may discussions about maintaining independence, including whether a younger person fully understands what they might be signing on for in terms of long-term care when choosing to date someone much older. 

Final thoughts …

In the end, May-December relationships can bring warmth and wisdom, but they can also cast long shadows if the mismatches that are present aren’t addressed. Like the seasons they’re named for, these pairings can be calm — or they can be stormy when expectations don’t align. If you're considering one, go in with eyes open and both feet firmly planted in the reality that although we are not eternal, the love we share is.  

When Your Partner Can't Let Go of Their Ex — Now What?

You’ve been together a while now. You meet up a few times a week, go out on real dates regularly, are on each other’s social media full throttle, and have relationships with one another’s friends and family. Everything appears to be going along well, at least to onlookers. But you have a secret, or rather, your partner does. You’ve discovered that without your knowledge, they’ve been communicating regularly with their ex the entire time you’ve been together, indicating your partner can’t let go of their past. 

A situation far too common, those blindsided by such behavior are often too close to the problem and, therefore, unclear on what to do next about their discovery. As a matchmaker supporting singles for over three decades, I have a clear path to help those going through this, perhaps you, so that you can make informed decisions about your future. The steps on that path are as follows.  

Get your facts straight.  

Yeah, it’s easy to give it an “iykyk” and go ballistic on your partner. But all that will do is cause them to react by either shutting down or gaslighting you to protect the guilty. Either way, you won’t get the information you need. Worse is that if you’re wrong, and you could be if you have suspicions but haven’t yet been able to nail down the facts, you may blow up your relationship over nothing due to your own insecurities. You wouldn’t be the first.  

Instead, gather as much information as possible so that it will be more difficult for your partner to explain it away when you confront them. Here’s the goal: You want them to offer you one good reason why you got it all wrong. Though possible, these storylines are usually the stuff of movies.  

Confront your partner about your suspicions calmly.  

Though you will be asking the questions, you must also listen and evaluate your partner’s responses carefully. This includes what they say and do during the conversation and then in the following minutes, hours, and days. Your blood may be boiling inside of you, but it’s still not an excuse to lose your cool. Good investigators never do, and you, dear Reader, are on a fact-finding mission. 

Confide in others about your situation.  

If you suspect your partner has wronged you, your first instinct will probably be to reach out to those who love and care about you for advice and support. While this is natural and smart, you need to take the support you get from where it’s coming from, meaning that you need to account for the likelihood that it may not be neutral. After all, the people who love you will likely also be angry. This, too, is natural, so don’t fault them for it. 

You can, however, supplement the guidance you receive from friends and family by connecting with others you trust not to share your information and who may have experience with what you’re going through. This can be a support group (online or in person), a mental health professional, or a relationship expert. Varying perspectives plus adequate fact-finding can direct your decisions further toward ones you will feel good about.   

Assert your independence.  

After being with the same partner for a long time, you may have, like many people, put some of your interests or self-care rituals on the back burner. The thing is, when you’re feeling your most vulnerable, it's a strategic time to begin re-focusing your attention on yourself. This is true regardless of what happens between you and your partner moving forward.  

Like everything else described above, rediscovering what makes you you will help get you back to your core values and, along with that, help you decide what kind of future fits the person you are and what you believe in. This includes who you want to be a part of that future.   

Put some distance between you and your partner. 

This can mean different things to different people. It can mean ending the conversation, leaving the room, or going out of town for a few days to think. Yes, you will need adequate time to process what has happened and what your partner has said about it. You can’t do this the way you’ll need to with them breathing down your neck every minute of the day.  

When you make decisions you’ve thought through, you’re more likely to be comfortable with them and, as a result, less likely to change your mind afterward or live with regret, which is no way to live. Remember, your highest good lies in creating a happy, stable future for yourself, leaving only one question: Does this person offer you what you need to do that? 

When Men Receive an Unsolicited Sexy Pic from a Woman: What Not to Do or Say

There’s a great deal of talk about what to do as a woman when you receive an unsolicited $%@! pic from a guy. Should you tell him to stop? Block him? Send him one back? But what happens if you’re a guy who receives an unsolicited sexy pic from a woman? What then? 

If you’re a man, you may be thinking, is there actually a guy in the universe who wouldn’t want an unsolicited sexy pic from a woman or who wouldn’t know what to do or say after receiving one? Well, the answer is yes and yes. Unsolicited is just that — no one asked for it, and therefore, it can catch the unsuspecting man off guard. Maybe even you. 

That said, there are ways to handle it and ways not to. If, of course, you’re a guy who wants to protect everyone’s feelings in the situation, including your own. Here are a few suggestions for how.  

Don’t get angry. 

No, it wasn’t what you were expecting to see when you opened your text messages while drinking your morning coffee, but alas, there it is anyway. You thought your relationship ran deeper than what this pic suggests, that you were building something real. The thing is, you still might be, and her sexy pic is only a reflection that she feels safe with you. If you aren’t sure what the pics mean for her or for you, regardless of what you might be thinking … 

Be kind.     

You may not like what you see on numerous levels, including what she looks like with less clothing on than you’ve seen her wearing so far, but it’s still not an excuse to be mean. Respond with something complimentary or, if you don’t have it in you, something more vague but still not negative like, “Well, well, well, what do we have here?” and let her lead the conversation from there. Then … 

Have a talk the next time you’re together.  

If you’re uncomfortable with the gesture or are unsure what it means for your relationship, talk about it. But don’t do so over text. Conversations about sensitive matters are best had in person, where you can read each other’s body language, and no one can easily end the conversation by simply leaving you on read.  

It’s much easier to get a feel for what someone’s intentions are and to get your own point across about what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not when you’re sitting face to face. For a new relationship, this is especially important since you don’t know each other well.  

Send a sexy pic back.  

If you receive an unsolicited sexy pic from a woman that caught you by surprise, but you are most definitely into it and feel comfortable enough, reciprocate. But do try and match her level of “sexiness.” You don’t want to take a flirtation, depending on what she’s sent, and turn it into amateur porn. In other words, don’t up the ante. She’s made the decision to lead in this area, so let her.  

Keep in mind, though, that whenever you put something in writing, including sending a photo, you run the risk that it won’t just be for her eyes only, today or one day in the future. Though she might not, you should plan on doing the gentlemanly thing and … 

Not share any photos you receive.  

If a woman sends you a sexy pic, she’s placing a certain level of trust in you, even if it hasn’t yet been earned. Hopefully, however, you don’t prove to her that it’s also undeserved. 

Always go under the assumption that whatever you receive from a woman is for you exclusively. It’s a risk for her, for sure, and not necessarily a justifiable one. But do as you would want done to your mother, sister, daughter, and favorite aunt, and keep the image to yourself. 

Then, during that discussion mentioned above, provide reassurance that you expect your exchanges to remain confidential unless you otherwise agree. Relationships are built on trust, including where sexy pics are concerned.  

Should your relationship not work out, don’t share the photos, either. This holds true no matter how you feel about this person after a breakup. Revenge porn is a crime in many states with varying degrees of punishment. If you think a breakup is painful and has gone on too long, go involve yourself in a lawsuit, and see how you’ll be craving those early days of despair.  

Final Thoughts 

People have different views on sexy pics, and in many instances, they can be a positive way to express attraction and affection in a relationship. But before that can happen, you want to make sure that you and the person you’re dating feel the same way about them.  

Open communication, as it always is, is the most efficient way to find out. So ask the questions and listen for the answers, and if it’s a go for you both, the next time you receive a text notification, or she does, know that your hearts may skip a beat — with excitement instead of dread.  

Is it a Red Flag When Someone Has No Social Media Footprint?

These days, it can feel weird to encounter someone without a social media profile — none, nada, zilch. But it's bound to happen if you’ve been dating long enough.  

You’d be right for it to make you wonder whether this person is for real and whether you should avoid them. However, that isn’t necessary. Yet, that is. Not before you ask them the following questions.  

Is there a reason why you’re not on social media? 

Age can affect a person’s answer. They may not be comfortable with it if they’re “older” and didn’t grow up around social media. Not everyone is tech-savvy. 

If the person is of the age where you’d expect them to have a social media profile, wait for a reason that would justify them not having one, other than they don’t like it, which, mind you, is still a valid reason.  

Have you ever had a social media profile? 

Sometimes, people are on social media but decide to go off it. This isn’t uncommon, even if it’s temporary. The critical piece of information you want to learn from them is why. 

Are they going through a divorce, and their lawyer told them to stay off social media? Have they had a bad experience with social media in the past? Is someone monitoring them and their behavior, like an ex, so they decided to go off to protect their privacy? 

Your job is to listen — with your ears and your gut.    

Have I researched enough to know that they’re not on social media? 

This question is not for them; it’s for you. That’s because nothing’s more important than protecting yourself, physically and emotionally.  

Though an effective way to meet potential matches, online dating sites are also replete with those looking for extracurricular activities away from their partner or spouse. Lacking a social media profile or saying you aren’t on social media is one way cheaters can keep two (or more) worlds from colliding. 

Because you don’t want to be involved in a “collision,” it’s best to do some digging yourself first. This is true whether you’re skeptical that what they’re saying is true or you’re downright suspicious of them. You owe it to yourself to be thorough.   

A few strategic Google searches can give you all the information you need. That being said, if Google searches don’t turn up anything, there are services online you can pay for that can access what you can’t. It can be a small price to pay to protect yourself.  

Is there a way I can verify who you say you are and that you’re single? 

If you come up dry after you’re own investigation, but you’re not ready to send them packing and, instead, would like to date them, ask them if there’s a way they could verify who they say they are and that they’re single.  

You will be able to glean a lot from their answer alone. If they react poorly, saying you should trust them, it’s a signal to part ways. Not because they’re necessarily lying (they may not be), but because they’re unwilling to do the bare minimum to make you comfortable.  

If they are happy to offer you a way to verify them, proceed cautiously. Unfortunately, it’s very easy for someone to find a friend to “vouch” for them or create the image of someone who’s single but is not. Again, you must listen with your ears and gut, preferably your gut.  

Do I have enough intel to make an informed decision? 

Once you’ve gone through the questions above, ask yourself if you have enough intel to decide whether to move forward with this person for a date or move on from them. If you don’t feel you have enough information and aren’t comfortable, you should move on. Your health and well-being must always remain paramount, no matter how desirable someone is to you at the moment.  

If you have enough positive information in your pocket to set up a date, remain cautious at all times, regardless. Remember, though, that while it’s OK to be on the lookout for red flags, you don’t want to walk around so distrustful that you’re paralyzed with fear. Trust is built in small moments over time, so take your time getting to know someone.  

Final Thoughts 

There are no guarantees in dating — not that someone is telling the truth now or will continue to do so if they are. But without some risk, there can be no reward, at least when it comes to love. The point is to calculate those risks first. You’re worth it. And the right person will treat you as you are.  

Does Your Partner Need to Be Your Best Friend for Your Relationship to Work?

There’s this theory about relationships that many people point to when they talk about what’s not working in their romantic partnership or marriage. It’s a theory that troubles me because I think it’s often misinterpreted to the detriment of people’s relationships. It goes something like this: Your partner or spouse should be your best friend for your relationship to operate at its highest level.  

Anyone who knows me knows that one of my favorite movies is the 1988 movie “Beaches.” If you haven’t seen it, I strongly suggest you do since, at its core, it’s about friendships and how they fit into people’s lives when they’re dating someone they like and then when they’re married.  

Here’s a quick synopsis: C.C. Bloom (Bette Midler), a rising Broadway star, and a socialite turned activist-lawyer, Hillary Whitney (Barbara Hershey), strike up an unlikely friendship on a New Jersey beach one summer when the girls are adolescents. This friendship carries them through the ups and downs of their adult lives, including their careers, relationships, marriages, and eventually, parenthood.  

Without giving too much away, one of the striking themes of this film is how each woman handles their friendship when a man, whether a dating interest or a husband, enters their life. Who should stay for the long haul? These women spend nearly a lifetime wrestling with this question until circumstances finally give them their answer.  

Spoiler: Friendships — and not just any old friendship — but having a best friend outside your romantic relationship not only matters but can also bring that romantic relationship to its highest good. In other words, your partner or spouse doesn’t have to be your best friend for your relationship to be loving and fulfilling. Someone else can hold a significant presence in your life, too. Here’s why, with a few caveats.  

An adult friendship other than the one you share with your partner or spouse enriches your life.  

There’s something about having someone around who knows you well, gets you, and understands your quirks, especially if they’ve been in your life for a long time. No matter how much you love your partner or spouse, how much they love you, and how long you’ve been in each other’s lives, you can’t replicate history. You may also share particular interests with them that your partner or spouse doesn’t enjoy. 

This friend of yours will tell you the truth when you are unable or unwilling to tell it to yourself. The friend should also be someone you can trust with your words and the person you’re interested in, meaning your friend shouldn’t do anything to get in the way of your romantic relationship. Finally, your best friend should do their best to co-exist with your partner and spouse, not interfere because they harbor jealousy about having to share your attention and affection with someone else.  

Best friends see you differently from someone who loves you romantically and will talk to you differently because they can.  

There are certain “truths” you can hear from a best friend that, if they came from your partner or spouse, could be misconstrued, hurt you, or become grounds for their dismissal from your life. You may think you can say anything to your spouse and that they can say anything to you, but words, especially if they come out wrong, can do irreparable damage to a partnership or marriage. 

That’s not to say a best friend can’t hurt you; they definitely can. But your dynamic is different from the one you have with your partner and spouse, and you likely have been through this before and worked through it if you’re truly best friends.

Strong romantic relationships and marriages can withstand a lot. However, they have a vulnerability about them that is unique due to the intimacy you and your partner share. The existence of a best friend can serve as a protector of that fragility.    

Love has no limits.  

When a romantic relationship or marriage is strong, loving, and characterized by mutual respect, it’s usually based on trust and a desire to see one another live their most fulfilling life. Your partner or spouse’s love for you is boundless, as is your love for them, so you both know that nothing else in your life, not even another human being you call your best friend, can diminish what you share. Love, as you both see it, has no limits, so there’s room for others in your lives. Your best friend should know this, too. 

A Caveat About Having a Best Friend 

Having more than one person close to you can, from time to time, leave someone feeling left out, whether your partner or spouse or your best friend. This is natural. After all, we are people, and our feelings are complex. It’s important to be aware of this possibility and to address it with the individual feeling that way. Listen more than talk, and try to get to the root of why.  

Final Thoughts 

While you may be doing your best to protect both relationships, consider that the one feeling ignored may be justified in feeling this way due to a factor you weren’t aware of before. Having a partner or spouse and a best friend may sometimes require extra attention from you, and that’s OK. These are people who love you, but who you also love and want to see happy. Just make sure it’s not at the other person’s expense. Or yours.  

The Sniff Test: How to Tell Someone They’re Not Making the Grade With Their Hygiene

You get along well. The person you’re dating is friendly, conversational, fun, kind, and generous with their time and wallet. But there’s one thing that’s bothering you, and it’s a sensitive subject — they’re not always on top of their hygiene.  

From bad breath to body odor, poor hygiene can become a problem for anyone who gets an unexpected whiff. It can also be a problem for the person who eventually gets dumped because of it, especially if they never knew why and then face the same issue with the next person they date or begin to date more seriously, and the one after that.  

While it can be uncomfortable to tell someone they smell ripe, and the person you’re telling may be embarrassed to hear this from you, there are ways to go about it without being a total a**hole. Here are a few suggestions.  

Don’t address poor hygiene on the first date.  

Telling someone they have bad breath or smell isn’t a first-date conversation. Why? Because if you’re not interested in them anyway, you don’t need to be the one doling out PSAs to someone you don’t know because you never know how someone will react. Beyond keeping yourself safe, do you need to hurt a stranger’s feelings?  

Dating makes people feel vulnerable enough without adding to it a comment you think will be constructive but will likely be construed as unfavorable. Leave that for someone more invested in them or who wants to invest in them. If it’s just lousy breath you’re dealing with on a first date, offer a mint while taking one for yourself. Hopefully, they take the mint — and the hint.  

Make some subtle suggestions for them to address their hygiene.  

If you’re dating someone and notice a pattern has emerged, whether with bad breath or B.O., offer suggestions so that they can (a) correct the situation without them knowing it’s a problem for you and (b) if they realize it is a problem for you, still allow them to save face without feeling more embarrassed than they need to.  

For bad breath, beyond offering a mint, find out when they last visited the dentist. Poor dental health can lead to other more serious health issues. Not to mention, certain bacteria can be transferred to you during a simple act such as kissing. If they haven’t had a cleaning in the past six months, suggest they go. 

If it’s B.O. you’re concerned about, see if you can find out from them subtly what’s causing it. Are they meeting you straight from the gym without a shower because they think they don’t sweat? When do they usually shower, morning or night? Are they showering before your dates? Are they eating certain foods that could cause an odor or taking medication that could do the same? The latter reasons would explain a lot but prove more challenging problems to solve than with just a shower.  

If it’s a superficial issue, i.e., not a medical one, depending on how intimate you’ve gotten and how much of a problem their hygiene is becoming, suggest a shower beforehand or perhaps together. If they’re resistant to changing their habits and it continues … 

Gently address their poor hygiene directly. 

If you’ve been dating someone for a bit, and you notice their oral or body hygiene is getting in the way of your blossoming relationship, it’s time for a discussion. But prepare yourself: Their reaction may not be a simple “thank you for letting me know,” no matter how nicely you go about it. 

Telling someone how their breath or body smells can be quite a personal affront, so expect the possibility of a reaction, from them feeling hurt to getting angry. That being said, if you want to continue with them, and this is the only thing getting in the way of that, you don’t have much choice in speaking to them. 

Prepare to move on if they don’t want to address the issue.  

You’ve done your part by coming clean with them, but it's time to move forward if they won’t come clean to your dates. Attraction in a relationship is a must, and if someone is repelling you due to their odor, you will probably, at some point, be repelled entirely by them.  

Final Thoughts 

This is part of dating — finding out where you’re compatible and where you’re not. How someone treats themselves can also indicate how they will eventually treat you, which, if they’re not taking care of their mouth or body, is with neglect.  

If you’ve handled the conversation with kindness and respect, and they’re still unwilling to make an effort, it’s OK to let them go. Not every person will be your person, no matter how good or bad they smell.  

Need a Wedding Plus-One? How to Ask Without Scaring Him Off

Weddings are beautiful occasions to celebrate love. They’re also expensive and stressful, even if you’re not part of the wedding party, which can be a separate ordeal. From travel to hotel stays, clothing, giving a gift, and other incidentals, it can break the bank. And that’s without considering who you will bring as a plus-one. 

This last wedding detail can raise questions about a relationship, particularly a new-ish one, that the man you’re seeing might not be prepared to answer. From what being a plus-one entails to what attending together means for you as a couple, it’s not surprising that many men feel wedding jitters about merely the prospect of attending someone else’s wedding as a plus-one. If you are thinking about inviting your guy as your wedding date, consider the following tips on how to ask without scaring him off.   

Do your best to understand the pressure of the situation. 

Before approaching the guy you’ve been dating to see if he would want to be your plus-one at a wedding, it’s helpful first to put yourself in his shoes to understand better how such an invitation may cause him to feel and what his concerns might involve. As mentioned above, weddings tend to involve a lot of logistics, which can translate to money.  

Speaking only about logistics for a moment, if you haven’t traveled with this person, you probably have little idea about how they will function under pressure. Make no mistake: traveling can be pressure-filled, especially when things don’t go according to plan. So, before you ask him, ask yourself: Are you ready to put your relationship and him in such a pressure cooker? Then, anticipate whether you think he is prepared based on how long you’ve been together and your current dynamic.   

Be prepared to discuss the money as well. Don’t assume that if he goes, he’s obligated to pick up your tab and his. Work out the details about who pays for what before the trip to ensure you’re each comfortable with the arrangement. 

Assess his interest before you ask. 

It’s important to assess whether the man in your life is game for a wedding before asking. Though you won’t know for sure until you ask and he answers, there are signs you can look for indicating he might be open to joining you.  

The first is that he talks about the future in a way that’s appropriate for the stage you are in your relationship. This should not include future faking from a man you hardly know because you suspect he’s got some ulterior motive for doing so, such as having sex. The second is that he’s expressed an interest in meeting your friends and/or your family if he hasn’t already. The third is that he has proved thus far that he’s reliable and respectful of you, meaning you’re not worried he will ghost you at any moment or that he will react poorly if you ask him for something. 

If you decide, based on your assessment of your relationship, that your guy might be interested in attending a wedding with you, you must now figure out the best time to raise the subject. Timing, as they say, is everything.      

Find the right moment to ask. 

Like any other conversation you would have about something meaningful to you, you want to do it when you’re both in a good mood and not preoccupied. You also probably want to speak when you’re alone just because you don’t know how he will answer or how being in front of others might affect how he answers. Even better is if you are discussing a mildly related topic that allows you to segue into talking about the wedding and the possibility of him being your date. 

Frame the request in a way that won’t scare him off.  

When you ask if he’d like to be your date at a future wedding, be both lighthearted and respectful. Most importantly, you want to ask without expectation. If he senses you are judging him by his answer, he might (a) take offense or (b) do something he isn’t comfortable with and eventually resent you.  

Once you ask, give him space to decide if he doesn’t have a decision for you right then and there. Don’t pester him about it afterward. However, to avoid him not answering you or not answering within a reasonable period, ask him to respond within a specific timeframe.  

Handle rejection gracefully. 

Be prepared for the answer to be no. Though you might feel disappointed or angry, you must accept this. That said, what you choose to do with the information you have received about your relationship based on their answer is another story.  

If you believe the guy you’ve been seeing should have attended, given your time together and the depth of your relationship, and he has no good reason not to attend, such as a work trip, you always have the option to reevaluate whether this is the right relationship for you. What you don’t want to do is fight about it or try to persuade him to do something he’s uncomfortable with. Again, this is how resentment builds, and no one wants to be in a relationship where one person is harboring animosity.

Final Thoughts  

Attending a wedding with your partner should be about sharing a meaningful experience, not testing his commitment. However, in true wedding form, for better or for worse, it can reveal where you stand — and whether you're standing in the right place with the right person. 

Should a Woman Confirm a Date With a Man?

So many questions swirl around dating etiquette. In heterosexual dating, one of those questions involves whether the man or the woman should confirm a date and when. While there’s often no right or wrong answer, as a woman, there are a few considerations to make before sending that confirmation text. 

When a Woman Plans the Date 

If you are a woman who made the first move by asking a guy out, by all means, confirm the date. There isn’t much in dating that’s a no-brainer, but this is: You made the plans, so follow through with those plans unless you have a good reason not to.  

As for when you should confirm? Ask yourself when you would want to receive a confirmation from a man. A good rule of thumb is, for night dates, that morning or the night before. For dates occurring at any other time of day, think about what would be considerate and then do it.  

When a Man Plans the Date 

Very often, a man will ask out a woman he’s interested in a few days or maybe longer before the date is to happen. Even if he tells you the name of the meeting spot and the time when he asks you out, as the date draws near, you may wonder if it’s still happening. However, as a woman, you may hesitate to confirm the date because (a) you want him to lead and (b) he was the one who asked you out.  

While you will be correct in wanting each to happen, they, for whatever reason, might not. Though both happening would be green flags, sometimes there’s a legitimate-ish reason his follow-up falls through the cracks. The first reason could be that he genuinely believes the date has already been set and assumes you will be there. The second is that he planned everything but didn’t confirm as early as would make you comfortable. Not everyone views time the same way.  

That said, you’re busy and have zero time to mess around. If a man has planned an evening date with you and hasn’t confirmed it by late morning of the date, you can send this simple text: “Are we still good for tonight?”  

Yes, you are taking the initiative here when he should have. But I argue that you are not losing your feminine energy by doing so because feminine energy also means you’re a strong woman who values your time. And in the interest of not wasting any, you want to know the plan so you can pencil him out if need be. What you’re trying to avoid is showing up somewhere and being stood up, in which case you should never deal with him again. But who needs to put themselves through this? Not you.  

When You Confirm the Date, But the Man Doesn’t Respond or Responds Too Late 

It happens: A man sets a date with you, gives you the place and the time, but doesn’t follow up afterward when you do. All you get is radio silence. What should you do then? The answer is simple: Nothing. He has shown you who he is, and that is someone who doesn’t follow through on his word. This, ladies, is a red flag if there ever was one. 

Should he follow up after the fact, after missing a date, to explain that his dog ate his PowerPoint or that “Something suddenly came up,” as it did for Marcia Brady when she canceled her date with Charlie, and then you choose to ignore what he already showed you by his actions, you run a high risk of him being exactly who he’s demonstrated himself to be. This is on you. 

The same is generally true of the guy who waits until the last possible moment to respond to your request for confirmation. In other words, if to make it on time, you would have already had to start getting dressed for the date or arrange childcare, then it’s already too late for him to confirm the date. Your answer should be that you can no longer make it since you didn’t hear back from him earlier. Again, if you choose to give him another shot if he asks for one, go at your own risk.  

Why Who Confirms a Date Matters and Why It Doesn’t 

Everything that happens in the early stages of dating, from the moment you connect on an app until you enter a committed relationship, is information you should pay close attention to and bank. What you’re looking for? Masculine energy.  

Men pursue. Men plan dates, men follow up about plans, men pay for, at a bare minimum, the first date, men walk you to your car, men text you to make sure you arrived home safely, and men communicate their interest in moving forward with you or let you know politely that they’re not. Reader, these are minimums.   

If a man is lazy from the beginning, he will almost one hundred percent of the time become lazier once you accept this as your standard. So, go ahead and confirm that date. As long as you understand what you having to confirm it communicates. 

How Many Dates Do You Wait for a Spark?

There’s a myth that there will be instant chemistry when you meet the one. Having spent over 30 years as a matchmaker, I can tell you that nothing could be further from the truth. This is not just because I didn’t feel a spark when I first met my husband Mike (sorry, Mike), but also because research dispels the myth. 

Researchers at Tel Aviv University, for example, found that individuals who exhibited generosity and altruism were perceived as more physically attractive. The effect was repeated across genders and varying types of relationships, suggesting that kindness influences the perception of attractiveness. 

Switching gears, the Mere Exposure Effect, a psychological phenomenon in which repeated exposure to a stimulus leads to increased liking, supports the notion that familiarity can raise attraction. The concept is relevant to understanding how attraction can grow over time. 

But the question still remains: How long should you wait for a spark? One date? Three dates? Ten dates? Consider the following. 

Why can first impressions sometimes be misleading? 

Bad first impressions — a guy not walking to your car, texting at the table, being rude to waitstaff — these are first impressions that are worth paying attention to. Why? Because each of them is a red flag.  

Then there are those first impressions that are, well, just not great. A poorly told joke, not being a captivating conversationalist, and behaving a little awkwardly are a few examples of evaluations you can make of someone that can leave you unsure if you like them or not. They haven’t offended you, but they haven’t caused you to foresee a future with them in it, either. Yet.  

If you’re not sure how you feel after a first date, and I argue after a second, you owe it to yourself to give that person another chance. But to make that chance truly worthwhile, it can help to change up the atmosphere of the date.  

So, if you met for dinner on the first date, perhaps on the second, you try an activity to see how they are in a different setting. Reevaluate after the second date whether your attraction to them is growing before you decide if it’s worth continuing to a third date.  

How can you tell if an attraction is growing? 

The best way to tell if your attraction to someone is growing is to listen to your gut. How do you feel when you’re with them? And, just as important, how do you feel when you’re apart? Are you thinking about this person or is it a clear case of out of sight, out of mind?  

If it’s the latter, you probably have your answer. But if you enjoy your conversations when you’re with one another and the interactions you have when you’re not, plus you look forward to the next time when you will be together, then this person is probably beginning to grow on you.  

Remember, sex can cloud judgment. With oxytocin flowing, it can be hard to get a true read on your attraction level. It’s possible to be sexually attracted to someone and not like them in other ways — or in every way else. Therefore, if you’re unclear about your attraction level, it’s probably wise not to use the bedroom as your measure. 

How long is too long to wait? 

While the slow burn of growing attraction is enticing, you don’t want to wait around indefinitely for it to happen. Many times, it won’t.  

Signs attraction is at a standstill include your indifference to them seeing others, not wanting to do anything intimate, like hold hands or kiss, and another individual holding your attention more than they do or just the prospect of it. Though emotional intimacy can take time to build, it’s not a given. In the interest of your happiness and the other person’s, you shouldn’t force yourself to feel something you don’t just because someone looks good on paper. 

When should you move on? 

Understanding the difference between patience and wishful thinking is important. You shouldn’t bet on potential because those are generally not good bets. A few dates is enough time to learn what you need to make an informed decision.  

Before calling it quits, though, make sure it’s what you want. If you make a mistake, the other person may not let you come back, or at least come back for a long, long time. No one likes to think they are a backup choice.  

How can you create more sparks? 

If you don’t feel a spark with anyone you date, the issue may be more with you than with them. Meaning, you may need to change up your approach to making connections and how you behave on dates.  

With regard to connections, make sure you are being fairly specific in who you’re looking for. While it’s a smart dating strategy to cast a wide net, too wide a net can cause you to make connections with people you won’t align with on many levels and, as a result, may not find yourself attracted to.  

If that’s not your issue, check in with yourself about your behavior on a date. Are you present? Are you being somewhat vulnerable and sharing personal details about yourself? Are you open to chemistry growing, or is there something (or someone) in your life holding you back? Any of these reasons or a combination of them can be why you’re not feeling attraction with the people you’re dating.  

Final thoughts … 

It can be frustrating to go on date after date and feel like you’re not connecting with anyone. But even when you’re doing everything “right,” it can still take time. Though there’s science and strategy involved in dating, there’s also a little luck involved. The thing about luck is that the harder you work at something, the luckier you get.  

Dating Overload: Why Too Many Dates Can Backfire

You’ve probably heard the expression, “Dating is a numbers game.” It’s pretty straightforward and, if you ask me, generally good advice. It simply means that the more people you date, the more chance you have to meet someone who fits the description of your perfect match.  

But what happens when you take it too far — when you have so many first dates scheduled that you’re considering creating a spreadsheet to remember what you wore and with whom, and, more importantly, to recall a few personal details about the person you’re seeing? If this sounds like you, you may be on dating overload, dating too many people at the same time.  

While it may sound efficient, this strategy can backfire and make it so you don’t find your match. Or at least recognize them when you see them. Here’s why. 

Too many dates can cause burnout and decision fatigue. 

Meeting new people on repeat can be exhausting, making it harder to discern who to date, continue dating, or pass on. When you date just a few people at a time, you can better focus on each person, including how they behave before, during, and after the date.  

This is vital information to collect. Dating too many people may cause you to miss red and green flags, which are integral to finding matches and being a safe dater.   

Too many dates may give rise to superficial connections and nothing serious.   

Juggling multiple prospects can interfere with you forming deeper emotional bonds with someone, leading you only to have a series of shallow interactions. Though having a busy social calendar can be exciting, it can get old, especially if your goal is to get into a serious relationship.  

Too many dates may make you believe there will always be someone better around the corner.   

It’s a great feeling to be wanted, but when you think there will always be someone new and better around the corner, you may be less inclined to give that “nice guy” (or “nice girl”) a chance. Or worse, be quick to blame the ick for why you’re getting rid of them.   

Often, realizing you're into someone can take a few encounters. Yes, it’s easy to recognize an instant attraction, but too much chemistry at the beginning doesn’t always bode well for the longevity of a relationship. Seeing where a tiny spark leads can be more promising in the long run.  

Too many dates can cause you to become emotionally detached. 

Too many dates in a short period can desensitize you to the excitement of what it feels like to have a real connection. Because you’re not focused on the here and now and, instead, on the five dates you have lined up, people you don’t know well can begin to feel like numbers. Spend some time as a detached dater, and it won’t be long before dating starts feeling like a chore. When dating becomes a chore, you’ll be quicker to choose your jammies over a night out.   

Too many dates may mean you won’t enjoy a date if you do go.  

Say you do forgo your jammies to go on a date you were ambivalent about. If you’re already experiencing dating burnout, there’s a good chance you will be itching to be anywhere but there. This is what happens when you’re going through the motions.  

Not only will you not enjoy the experience as much as you could, but likely, neither will your date, causing that first date to become a last date. Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy that brings you to yet another first date you’ve already proven you’re reluctant to have.  

Too many dates can result in you forgetting what you’re looking for in a person.  

When you are so busy accumulating people to date, it’s easy to forget what you’re looking for. Them asking you out (or saying yes to a date if you’re the one who asked) should not be enough to warrant your effort. No, you don’t want to be too picky, but you do want to pick and choose strategically based on your criteria for a partner — criteria you should have thought of before putting yourself out there.  

Final thoughts …   

Dating is for discovering — discovering what you like about someone you meet, as well as discovering what you like about yourself. If you’re too preoccupied with mechanics, including the number of dates you go on, you’re missing out on the experiences that can improve your dating skills enough to recognize when you’ve found love and not only no longer have to date but no longer want to.   

Stealthing: The Dangerous Deception You Need to Know About

There are many dating terms, such as ghosting, winter coating, and hoovering, that, while irritating and potentially emotionally damaging, won’t compromise your physical health by giving you an STI or causing you to become a mom before you want to. The practice that could is known as stealthing. If you are a single woman of any age dating men, here’s what you need to know about this dangerous and deceptive act. 

What is stealthing? 

Stealthing occurs when a man engaging in consensual sex with a woman removes his condom without the woman’s consent. It is a serious violation that can result in emotional and physical effects, including transmission of an STI and pregnancy.  

Depending on the jurisdiction, it may also be considered a sexual assault or rape under law. Some jurisdictions may treat it as a civil offense. Regardless, stealthing is a dating trend on the rise; research indicates that 19-32% of women have reported it.  

What can you do to avoid stealthing? 

A man who engages in stealthing does not respect you. He does not care about your feelings, and he does not care about your health and well-being. Though you likely won’t know someone’s capable of this behavior until they do it (unless they tell you they have, in which case you should run from them), there are precautions you can take so you don’t end up a victim. Those precautions are to: 

Vet your partners before engaging in sexual intercourse with them.  

While this strategy isn’t foolproof, it is a good practice to vet your partners before having sex with them. You would (or should if you’re not) vet the people you allow into your life. The same should apply to who you allow into your body. It makes sense, right? 

Communicate clearly with your partner before engaging in sexual activity.  

If you are planning to have sex with someone, even if you don’t know them well, have a conversation beforehand. During this conversation, discuss your expectations, boundaries, and what you consent to and don’t.  

Don’t just talk, either. Listen. If this individual appears irritated by this discussion or indicates they are not keen on complying with what you want, you should reconsider them as a sexual partner. You always have the option to walk away.  

Bring your own condoms.   

If, based on your conversation, you decide to move forward, consider bringing condoms with you. Ladies, carrying condoms is a wise practice, even if you aren’t expecting to have sex that day. Though men often have their preferences for condoms, unless they have an allergy, chances are they’d prefer to use yours rather than not have sex at all.  

As for you, having condoms on you means you can protect yourself at all times, even if you get carried away in the moment. If you have a latex allergy, carrying your own is another way to protect your health.  

Spot-check that the condom is in place during intercourse.  

Your condom, their condom, it doesn’t matter. Spot-check that it’s in place and stays in place while you’re having sex. This also can prevent the condom from coming off during sex or letting you know sooner rather than later that the condom broke, both of which can happen. Remember, abstinence is the only form of protection that’s 100% effective.  

Consider additional protection above and beyond condoms.  

Additional birth control methods, such as an oral contraceptive or IUD, can offer some peace of mind if you’re still in your child-bearing years. However, these added protections will only ward against pregnancy, not STIs. If someone stealths you, you are at risk.     

Be prepared to stop if you notice the condom is missing.  

Even if you do everything above to prevent stealthing during sexual intercourse, if you notice the condom is missing, either because the other person removed it without your consent or it was otherwise compromised, stop having sex immediately.  

You are and must remain your top priority. You don’t owe anyone anything, including finishing, simply because you’ve started. How much time you spend exposed can matter for your body and mind.  

What should you do if you become a victim of stealthing? 

If you become the victim of stealthing, you have options in the aftermath to help yourself, beginning immediately. 

Seek medical attention.  

Seek immediate medical care to receive STI testing and emergency contraception if you are concerned about pregnancy. If you are worried about exposure to HIV, consider receiving PEP, which stands for post-exposure prophylaxis. It is most effective within 72 hours of exposure, so time is a factor.  

Document the incident.  

Write down details about what occurred while they’re fresh in your mind. Details should include dates, times, and anything the person said or did. Save any written correspondence relevant to the incident, such as text messages or messages over dating apps.  

Find emotional support and take care of your mental well-being.  

Being a victim of stealthing can be traumatic. With this in mind, talk to a trusted friend, therapist, or support group about what you experienced. Consider also reaching out to an organization whose goal is to support victims of sexual violence; they can provide further guidance. You should also think about talking one-on-one to a therapist. Finally, begin healing yourself by engaging in self-care. 

Consider taking legal action. 

As mentioned earlier, depending on the state you live in, stealthing may be recognized as a criminal or civil offense. You can consult a lawyer or local advocacy group to explore your legal options, which may require reporting the incident to the police. Whether you do so will be a personal choice; only you will know what’s right for you. But one thing you must know: This is not your fault.  

Forgive or Forget? How to Handle a Good Date Gone Bad

You know when a first date is going well. You also know when it isn’t. But what if you’re not quite sure because the “good” date you’re on suddenly takes an awkward turn?  

This can happen for several reasons: an embarrassing joke, an offensive comment, or an unexpected (read: weird) reaction to something you said or did. Do you forgive them? Or do you forget them and everything else they did before and perhaps after that was right? That depends on how you factor the following considerations into your decision-making.    

Was it a one-time slip or an indication of a red flag? 

Though you won’t be able to know the answer to this question definitively since you’ve never met this person before, you can still formulate an educated answer based on the information you have. Meaning the information you’ve already collected about yourself.  

If you’ve done the work to recognize what constitutes a red flag and committed to your dealbreakers, you should feel comfortable making a best guess about what a future (including a second date) with this person might look like. If you’re already making excuses for them or betting on their potential, i.e., telling yourself, “I can change them,” you're better off cutting your losses.  

Context Matters: Understanding the Intent Behind the Misstep 

Context makes a difference, so if, for example, your date made a comment with a sexual connotation, and you both were just talking about something sexual, they may have felt comfortable “going there” when ordinarily they wouldn’t have. 

This is not to victim blame or excuse rude behavior or behavior that makes you uncomfortable. You should always go with your gut about how someone or something makes you feel.  

However, in the future, you may want to use an awkward experience to learn from, which, in this scenario, would be to not engage in conversations that could lead somewhere you wouldn’t want it to. Just as you don’t know your date, they don’t know you and what a turn-on or a turn-off might be for you.   

Your Comfort Level: Can You Move Past the Awkwardness? 

In keeping with the example above and considering whether context was a factor, you must decide whether you can move past the awkwardness. It is generally hard to move forward if the comment or act has offended your values. If it hasn’t, you next need to decide if what you’re dealing with is the “ick.”  

Not all icks are grounds for dismissal; some you can move past if the other positive factors outweigh them. The key is recognizing what’s morally offensive versus off-putting to you.  

It’s important to note that your analysis doesn’t only have to be self-facing. Part of it can be tied to the other person’s response if you’re inclined to call them out.    

Addressing the Issue: Should You Call It Out or Let It Slide 

If you are inclined to address the incident, ask the other person about it — what they meant and why they said or did it. Then, explain why the incident upset you, set a boundary, and sit back to evaluate your date’s response. 

If they are genuinely apologetic (as far as you can tell), you may choose to give them the benefit of the doubt; they made an error in judgment about the situation and, as a result, overstepped. On the other hand, if they react poorly — they raise their voice, gaslight you, or otherwise disregard your feelings — you can feel safe in your assumption that you are better off without them. 

Keep in mind that you also don’t have to call them out. You can assess the situation in your head and act accordingly. If you ever feel unsafe, always err on the side of caution and keep your commentary to yourself. When dating, your safety must always remain the priority, not educating someone else about your boundaries or etiquette in general. That’s not your job or why you’re there.   

When to Give a Second Chance — And When to Walk Away 

Speaking of why you’re there, first dates are an opportunity to learn more about someone who has piqued your interest and whose interest you’ve piqued. Many times, actually, most of the time, you won’t like what you see, which is why you can go on a lot of first dates before beginning to see someone more steadily. And then it may still not work out.  

Though disappointment can be disheartening and frustrating, your strategy should remain the same: Go into every date with a positive outlook and an open mind to give yourself the best chance of success. As the old Russian proverb tells us: “Trust, but verify,” which, in dating, is translation for “believe the good, but don’t ignore the bad.” 

What Is Negging in Dating, and How Can You Spot It?

Set the stage: You’re on a first date and the guy you’re with compliments you: “You’re beautiful. Not model-beautiful, given your size, but definitely pretty.” 

You smile and say thank you (slowly) because you know compliments are supposed to make you feel good, but this one doesn’t meet the mark. There’s a reason: This isn’t a genuine compliment. What it is is an example of negging, which, according to an article in Women’s Health, is an insult disguised as a compliment.  

Negging in dating can come off as flirting, particularly when it’s delivered with a smile and a twinkle in the eye. But in no way is it flirting, which is a way to show someone else through flattery that you’re interested. Some experts go so far as to say negging is a form of emotional abuse since emotional abuse, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, is intended to “control, isolate, or frighten you.”  

However you choose to define it, one commonality exists: Negging isn’t healthy for you.  

Why is negging damaging? 

Negging, even if it’s only the occasional backhanded compliment, can do damage to the person on the receiving end of it. For example, negging can cause you to second guess whatever the subject of it is — your looks, your intelligence, your family, your habits, and your possessions, to name a few. It can make you feel small, ugly, stupid, and altogether inferior. Done over long periods, the effects only intensify.  

As negging erodes your self-confidence, it can cause you to become more dependent on the person who’s been “complimenting you.” Instead of leaving them, you hang around waiting for those real compliments that occur less and less as time goes on. The lack of continuity in their treatment of you only causes further confusion. It can also create anxiety and the feeling of walking on eggshells since you never know what you’re going to get from this person at any given moment.  

Since the good is sprinkled in with the bad without rhyme or reason, you may become inclined to excuse those bad moments away in favor of the good ones, normalizing what is, indeed, toxic behavior. Eventually, however, resentment grows, eroding the relationship, along with what’s left of your self-respect. The thing is, if someone is negging you, they already resent you, and your relationship has already eroded.    

What are some examples of negging? 

The sky’s the limit when it comes to ways to insult someone else. Think back to past dates you walked away from them feeling insecure, despite you having arrived to the date confident. Though there are unlimited examples of negging, here are a few more to drive home what it sounds like: 

• “Your dress is cute for someone whose wardrobe is stuck in the 80s.” 

• “I thought you’d be one of those airheads by the look of you, but you’re actually kind of smart.” 

• “You’re not half bad looking.” 

• “You’re funnier when you drink.” 

• “You’d look even better if you lost a few pounds, but you still look good.” 

But more than what the remark sounds like, what you should pay attention to is how you feel after or how much you find yourself interpreting its meaning.  

What can you do if someone is negging you? 

If someone you’re dating or in a relationship with you is negging you, you have a few choices. The first is to call it out: “Can you please repeat that?” or “Can you please explain what you mean?” When someone is asked to clarify an insult, they may be less inclined to repeat themselves.  

You can then tell them how the comment caused you to feel. If it’s someone you don’t know well, they may express their remorse and apologize. Whether you choose to forgive them is up to you, but you should remain on your guard moving forward. They may also take the opportunity to gaslight you, saying you’re too sensitive. This is a red flag. The same is true for them trying to drag you into an argument.   

Should negging already be a recurrent issue in your relationship, and, after learning more, you now understand what it is your partner has been doing and how detrimental it is, but you still want to give them a chance to change, you can set boundaries for how you expect them to speak and treat you.  

Most importantly, though, you should feel free to leave your relationship, not schedule more dates with someone you’ve been seeing, or make a first date a last date if someone is negging you. There are plenty of other people who will treat you with the respect you deserve. Self-respect begins with you.  

Final thoughts … 

Though negging is hurtful, it’s important to recognize that the behavior says more about the person doling out the critiques than you. That said, it’s not your responsibility to fix someone who’s been negging you. Nor is it to wait around for them to behave better. In the wise words of Maya Angelou, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”   

What Is the Ick, and Why It’s a Dealbreaker

You know you’re justified in cutting things off with a guy when he behaves poorly: He shows up late for a date with no good reason, looks the waitress up and down and flirts with her, or deliberately (you suspect) leaves his wallet at home so you’ll have to pay. Name your red flag. 

These are no-brainers — hopefully — that a guy is not for you and deserves his walking papers. But what if it’s something else, something far less egregious, something that wouldn’t bother most people that, for whatever reason, gives you “the ick” so severely you never want to see this guy again? Are you justified in cutting him loose, or are you being too picky because he did something that you personally consider what has come to be known as “the ick”? 

Not sure what I’m talking about? Ask Bethenny Frankel, who claims she wanted to break up with someone because he ate overnight oats every day. Huh? 

In a recent Instagram post, Frankel confessed to this seconds before admitting her overnight oats rule is a double standard; she can eat them (and chia seed pudding) as much as she wants, but a man can’t. Translation: If a man does, it gives her the ick; therefore, she can’t date him.   

Frankel isn’t alone in feeling this way. In a follow-up post, Frankel described how she was floored by the icks of others, which flooded her comments. Icks included a mother who ghosted a man because he ordered oatmeal for breakfast and a doctor who used the word “vacay.”  

“Like, everybody’s crazy,” Frankel said.  

But are they? According to cognitive science, maybe not.     

The Ick, Cognitively Speaking 

According to an article from the Cleveland Clinic, the ick can indicate there’s something more at play than how irritating the way someone chews is. People often think of the ick as a first date or early date issue when, in actuality, it can and does happen in long-term relationships as well.  

Whether the ick, which should not be confused with a red flag, should be given the credibility it often receives, prompting those who experience it to act on it, might be better understood by examining attachment style. As the article goes on to explain, in a long-term relationship, like a marriage, the ick could be related to a deeper issue in the relationship. Think in terms of how spouses treat each other or something that’s happened to compromise a relationship’s foundation.   

On the other hand, during the first or first few dates, the ick could be rooted in the icked-out person having an avoidantly-attached relationship style, for example. The implication is that someone who feels the ick often may be using those icks as an excuse not to invest in a relationship. The real reasons may be that they fear being hurt or experienced relationship trauma in the past.  

Bottom line: If you frequently experience the ick and it keeps you from getting into a relationship, it may be worth delving deeper into why you consistently find fault with everyone you meet. Once you do, you can work on overcoming the ick.  

Tips for Getting Past the Ick 

If the ick is always holding you back, it may help to ask yourself the following questions before saying, “Next!”: 

• Do I understand the difference between an ick and a red flag? 

• Is what this person’s doing a red flag, or is it an ick? 

• Am I looking for icks, or am I waiting for them to happen so I can get out of here? 

• Do I think the ick-feeling I’m experiencing with this person could decrease with time? 

• Does this person have enough green flags that I would consider overlooking the ick to give them another chance? 

• Could I benefit from talking to a mental health professional about how often I experience the ick? 

When you run through these questions in your mind during or immediately after a date, you may find that being so harsh is what’s causing you to overlook real prospects. In any event, running through the list can help you do a thorough analysis so you don’t wonder afterward if you made the right choice to let someone go. 

Final Thoughts 

Chemistry in relationships is important, and you deserve to feel it with a partner. Just as much as someone deserves to feel it with you. 

The issue is that when “there’s always something” on your end, it comes time to evaluate why this is always the case. It may simply be that you’ve been the unlucky one who got to meet the guy who blew his nose in a cloth napkin or picked his teeth with his credit card. Or worse, yours. No one’s denying that. People can be gross.  

That said, if a guy’s love of red velvet cupcakes or desire to rest his head on a satin pillowcase each night is enough to throw you into a tizzy, the issue may not be with him. And instead, with you. 

Sick of Online Dating? Slide into Their DMs Instead

Given the attention to online dating (not all of it positive, to say the least), it’s easy to think that it’s the only game in town for meeting singles. Though online dating can be highly effective, especially when leveraged smartly, there’s another way to find love, and that is to slide into someone’s DMs. Someone you think is cute or interesting and would like to learn more about.

Not just Gen Z or Gen Alpha, but also many “older” singles are using this strategy to get dates. Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and even LinkedIn give us daily access to hundreds if not thousands of people, many of whom are single and may not be on dating apps or using them to their best advantage. 

It’s no secret that online dating apps are competitive and can quickly become frustrating and stressful. In contrast, social media can be a less pressure-filled way to get to know someone. After all, you’re just making small talk — for now.  

Not sure how to start a conversation with someone you’re already connected to on social media or with someone you’re not yet? Here are a few tips for sliding into someone’s DMs. 

Start with something personal.

If you’ve been using online dating, the advice to start with a personal message should be nothing new. That said, sending a “hi” or a “hey” is a surefire way to be ignored. It shows minimal effort, and the recipient will probably conclude that you sent the same low-effort message to them and many others. Instead, send a personal message based on their profile, possibly about something they posted. 

Look for commonalities between you.

Should their profile not give you much to go on besides their photo, look for commonalities between you, including how you might be connected in real life, such as through a mutual friend or friends. Depending on the platform, you may have the opportunity to see whether you work in the same geographical area, work for the same company, or go to the same gym. Maybe you both have an online group you’re members of in common. Start there.  

Keep it simple. 

You don’t want to write a dissertation because, generally, no one wants to read one. Though you want to look like you’re being thoughtful in your approach, you also don’t want to look like you’re trying too hard. Short and sweet is thus the name of the game.

Stay classy.

Giving a compliment is a great way to endear yourself to someone, so long as you keep it classy. As a general rule, asking yourself if you would feel comfortable making the same comment to your mother or other family member is helpful. If you wouldn’t, you should strongly consider keeping that comment to yourself.

When you slide into someone’s DMs, presumably, it’s because you don’t know this person well or even at all. Therefore, you don’t know their tolerance level. It’s very possible you won’t get a response if you’re over the top, i.e., sleazy or gross. Worse, you could wind up blocked. Both will defeat your purpose for reaching out if it’s genuinely a date you're looking for. 

Don’t get angry and retaliate if you don’t receive a reply. 

Even if you’re friendly and “normal,” people are busy, and not everyone is glued to their phones even if they're not busy. Plus, no one owes you an immediate response or one at all. So, control yourself if you don’t get one or get one quickly. Never comment on their tardiness, perceived lack of manners, or express anger in any way. 

If you choose this path, it’s pretty safe to say you will become persona non grata. You may also end up scaring the person on the receiving end. Regardless, it’s not a good look, and people talk, especially in an era of “Are We Dating the Same Guy” Facebook groups. Consider whether you want your mug on there, along with a description of your outburst. Word gets around. 

Let your personality shine through. 

Do be playful, and do be yourself. This is the time to display your quick wit and to be funny. Careful, though; there’s a fine line between cracking jokes and being sarcastic. So, consider whether someone could take offense at your brand of humor. If you’re unsure, run your opener by a friend who’ll give you an honest opinion. 

Final thoughts …

Dating practices are constantly changing, and what you once thought of as unacceptable or behavior reserved for younger people might be the exact strategy that gets you the guy or girl you’ve had your eye on. The thing is, you’ll never know for sure unless you send the DM. 

STI Testing: How to Have the Talk Before Sex

Communication is essential in any relationship, especially when it comes to sex. In addition to discussing whether you both feel ready to have sex and what sex will mean for exclusivity and the progression of your relationship, there should be a conversation about STI testing.  

STIs are the gift that keeps giving; some can even cost you your life. So, if you’re uncomfortable raising the topic, take a deep breath and consider the following tips for having a meaningful conversation with a new partner.   

Raise the topic before you engage in sexual activity.  

There are “no backsies” with STIs. If you expose yourself, you’re at risk. So, have a conversation before engaging in sexual activity. Any sexual activity. 

Intercourse is not the only way to give or receive an STI. For example, STIs can be transmitted through oral sex. According to medical experts, throat cancer due to HPV infections has become more common than cervical cancer.  

Unfortunately, at this time, there is no clinically approved way to screen men for HPV; inspections are usually done visually after the appearance of genital warts. That being said, not all strains of HPV produce genital warts, and as many as 80% of sexually active American adults will be exposed to HPV in their lifetimes.  

For women, this makes routine screening for cervical cancer more critical than ever. Given the number of STIs that exist in addition to HPV and the effects on your health they can have, it’s a good rule of thumb to go for regular checkups as well as see a doctor if you notice anything unusual.   

Define the relationship.  

So, you and your partner agree to go for STI testing before you have sex. That’s great! But it won’t do you much good if, the next day, you and/or your partner are engaging in sexual activity with other partners.  

If you agree that you are not sexually exclusive, be sure to use protection. Moreover, if you do decide to be exclusive, … 

Continue using protection, even after testing.  

This is because it could take a while for you or your partner to develop symptoms of an STI despite you both coming up clean. If you or your partner were recently sexually active with others, your tests can only reveal so much. Therefore, you should consider getting retested after another six months if you are still together and considering not using protection.  

If you suspect your partner isn’t being faithful, or you haven’t been, err on the side of caution and use protection or abstain altogether. No form of protection is 100% effective.   

Get verifiable proof of testing.  

As much as you may not want to think about it, not everyone is honest, and it is possible for someone to falsify their results. For this reason, you will want to either receive the results directly from your partner's doctor alongside them or sit with your partner as they log into an online system such as MyChart and review the report together.  

You should extend the same courtesy to your partner. Trust is built over time, and you are not obligated to trust someone you don’t know. Nor is your partner.    

Consider your partner’s response to a request for testing. 

If your partner is resistant to STI testing, there’s usually a reason: either they have something to hide or don’t care enough about you to get you the information you’re requesting to be safe. Regardless of the reason, this reaction is a red flag, and you should react accordingly by reevaluating if this is the right relationship for you. 

Final thoughts … 

You are the master of your domain, beginning with your body. As the master, you are charged with protecting your health and well-being. To do so, you must consistently advocate for yourself — by asking for what you want or saying no when you don’t get what you want.  

Inevitably, you will learn some hard truths about the people in your life who will think nothing of interfering with your ability to exercise self-care or challenging your autonomy. Though these lessons can hurt, they are valuable to learn because whether they urge you to stay or go, they will lead you closer to the relationship you aspire to have.  

Should You Talk About Past Relationships With a New Partner?

Part of dating is learning about the people you meet to see if you will be compatible as a couple. Questions about your favorite ice cream flavor or pizza topping are easy and can make for some light conversation and the basis for future plans. Inevitably, though, questions will take a more serious turn, often to relationships past, which can be a bit more uncomfortable to address given the invasion of your privacy from someone you barely know.  

Still, you’ve been taught that honesty is the best policy and understand that more serious topics often speak to one’s core values, which can draw two people together on a deeper level. But does this include dating history? To a certain degree, yes. The person you’re dating has a vested interest in your dating history and you in theirs, but only in a few key areas.  

So, if you’re worried about revealing too much about your old relationships or overstepping by asking too much, consider sticking to answering or asking the following questions as they arise with the relationship’s progression.  

When did your last relationship end? 

This is a great question because you want to make sure that the person you’re getting involved with is available to date. Not just because they are currently “single” but also because they’re emotionally available.  

Someone whose last relationship recently ended may not only be thinking about their ex but also be in contact with them. Based on your date’s initial answer, you can ask whether they are still in contact with their last ex, how often, and to what degree. Armed with this information, you can decide whether to move forward with them.  

If you’re asked this question, be honest with the person, but also be honest with yourself. Are you on this date in body and in mind? 

Are you in contact with other exes? 

A divorced parent will likely be in close contact with their ex-spouse for co-parenting purposes. If they’re not or have limited contact with their children, you may want to inquire about the tenor of these relationships and how their situation came to pass.  

You’d be surprised how much people reveal when talking about their ex-spouse. Listen for details about domestic violence, financial matters, assumption of blame, and name-calling and whether you would categorize their answers as red or green flags.  

As for dating history following the marriage, keeping a lot of exes in the mix “as friends” can be cause for concern. Though the person telling you about all of the friends they’ve made from dating will often cite their own likeability as the reason for staying friends, these friendships are more often rooted in either them or the other person not being entirely over the relationship and hanging around to either keep tabs or get another shot. These newfound friendships may also involve being friends with benefits. Regardless of the real explanation, proceed with caution. The truth will usually reveal itself in time.  

If you’re being asked the question, it’s time to check in with yourself about your availability for a new relationship. Having a lot of plates spinning generally isn’t conducive to focusing on someone new.  

Keep in mind also that sexual exclusivity is a topic that’s fair game in a new relationship. A current sexual partner should have a clear understanding of whether they are the only sexual partner and feel comfortable requesting STI testing as well as undergoing it. 

Have you experienced any sort of relationship trauma that could affect a new relationship? 

Past relationship trauma, though it’s not always easy to admit, can shape the lens through which people view new relationships. Past relationship trauma can include physical and emotional abuse, emotional or physical cheating, and financial infidelity, among other types.  

When and if these subjects come up can depend. It could be in response to a direct question or revealed in a passing comment, which, again, is why you should brush up on your listening skills.  

If you are the one being asked about past trauma, reveal only what you are comfortable revealing. It’s fine to say something to the tune of, “I’m not comfortable talking about this right now. Perhaps when we get to know each other better.” Then, decide if you want to get still to know this person better.  

Final Thoughts 

Generally, it’s best to stick to small talk during a first date. However, conversations can take on a life of their own and get more personal. It’s not necessarily a bad thing; it can actually become a way to connect.  

That said, you should always feel free, as should the person you are conversing with, to change the subject. Respect is key here. Never push for information or allow yourself to be pushed for information.