Why Anyone Single This Holiday Should Celebrate Thanksgiving Eve

If you haven’t before, you’re definitely missing out, especially if you’re single this holiday season. That’s because, second to New Year’s Eve, Thanksgiving Eve is the biggest night of the year to go out.

Most people don’t have work the next day. And if you’re lucky, you’ve snagged an invitation somewhere for the big day and aren’t stressing because you have to wake up at 6 a.m. the next morning to put your bird in the oven.

Be Proud of Your Single Status

Speaking of birds, that’s what I think about unsolicited advice from well-meaning relatives and friends around Thanksgiving time — yep, it’s for the birds. You know, those who tell you how “you should be grateful you’re single this Thanksgiving.” (Despite that, in actuality, singledom does have its perks around this time of year.) Or those who say (sym)pathetically, “You’ll meet someone soon.” As in, “Your life will only be complete when you do.”     

You’ll never hear that from me. What I will say is this: Ignore all the judgy advice. And, instead, celebrate. Not just Thanksgiving per se, which is all fine and good, but, in particular, celebrate you. Who you are — today. Now. Single. Dating someone new. Or in a relationship but thinking about making a change.

Being Single Is as Good a Reason to Celebrate Thanksgiving Eve as Ever

You see, whether you want to meet someone right away or are content flying solo for the foreseeable future, you should feel good. Because the truth is, when we feel good, we put ourselves out there. We’re social. We’re honest. We’re vulnerable. And, as a result, we radiate and attract others. In other words, what we put out in the world comes right back to us. But that can’t happen if you’re home alone, sitting on your couch.

So put it on your calendar — Thanksgiving Eve. And on that night, head out to your favorite locale with family or friends, married or single. It doesn’t matter. Or go by yourself and see who you can strike up a conversation with, which, I can pretty much guarantee on a social night like this, will be someone. Perhaps someone who will become special to you one day, and you to them.

Where Should You Go?

Visit that hotel bar with the city view or that new trendy restaurant you’ve been wanting to try. Then, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, celebrate you and what your presence gives to others. And as Ralf Waldo Emerson once suggested, “Cultivate an attitude of gratitude, of giving and forgiving.” Because “[n]othing can bring you peace but yourself.”

Wishing you and the ones you love a Happy Thanksgiving filled with pumpkin kisses and harvest wishes.

What Is Micro-Cheating in a Relationship and What Should You Do About It?

Have you ever been in a committed relationship when your partner did something “small” that kind of rubbed you the wrong way? And by rubbed you the wrong way, what they did sort of felt like cheating, but your partner didn’t actually cheat according to what most people consider cheating to be, which is having sex with someone else? If you’ve answered yes, your partner was probably guilty of micro-cheating.

In isolation, acts of micro-cheating don’t seem so bad, which, first, makes them hard to pinpoint, and second, even harder to address. That’s because when you confront your partner with examples of their behavior, you can come off looking petty, jealous, insecure, and accusatory, none of which are qualities that make you look good. And you haven’t done anything wrong!

How then do you know if your partner is engaging in acts of micro-cheating and, next, how can you deal with it in your relationship in a healthy manner? As a matchmaker and relationship coach who’s helped thousands of couples find love and build strong relationships, I have a few suggestions. But before I get started with solutions, it’s important to understand what micro-cheating is.

What is micro-cheating in a relationship? 

Micro-cheating is when a person in a committed relationship engages in some sort of flirtatious behavior with someone other than their partner, not including sex. It’s often a gray area as the acts, by themselves, don’t always raise an immediate red flag. When they do, the partner who’s committed the acts can often explain their actions away, effectively gaslighting their partner, at least at first.

If you’re unfamiliar with the term, gaslighting refers to the act of making someone feel as if what they’re saying doesn’t make sense, they’re crazy for saying it, or they don’t know what they’re talking about. In other words, when confronted, that person does everything in their power to deflect attention on any wrongdoing from them onto you. Micro-cheaters are experts at gaslighting because the transgressions usually appear insignificant at first glance.

Common examples of micro-cheating include the following:

●       Flirting with someone outside the relationship. The flirting could be with numerous people or one person repeatedly. This type of behavior can occur at work or in any other social situation, or even during a chance meeting, including while running errands. 

●       Engaging in a flirtatious manner over social media. This behavior could describe using social media to get someone else’s attention or acknowledge any attention they’re giving.

Behaviors may include “liking” and commenting on social media posts, engaging in conversations over DM (direct message), or seeking out someone of interest on social media to connect with them.

●       Communicating with an ex. For many couples, talking to an ex is a big no-no. If the couple has an understanding that such behavior is unwelcome in their relationship, and one partner is engaging with an ex regardless, the interaction could be classified as micro-cheating.

●       Seeking emotional support from an object of affection outside the relationship. If one partner turns to someone outside the relationship, specifically someone they’re attracted to, for emotional support, guidance on important decisions, and to discuss relationship issues they’re having, it pretty much points to micro-cheating.

●       Reciprocating or escalating attention or advances from someone outside the relationship. In other words, this behavior describes when one partner welcomes attention from a person outside the relationship instead of ignoring the behavior or clearly communicating a lack of interest.

As you can tell, there are nuances among these descriptions, and, naturally, intent counts for a lot. People can just be oblivious to how a certain behavior may make their partner feel. 

For some couples, these behaviors may not present an issue. For others, they may become the source of contention in the relationship if not addressed.

Signs of micro-cheating

The thing about micro-cheating is that if you look hard enough for it, you’ll find it. That said, there are signs of the behavior that can justifiably raise suspicion.

●       Your partner is overly protective of their phone or computer.

●       They talk about a specific person in a way that makes you uncomfortable. Perhaps your partner comments on that person’s looks, they bring them up a lot in conversation or compare you to them.

●       Your partner appears distant or distracted, as if they’re thinking or daydreaming about someone else.

●       When you raise the issue or question them about something they said or did, they act defensive, become angry, gaslight you, or refuse to talk about it.

●       During times of stress, when your partner would usually turn to you, they’re hush, hush, possibly because they’re getting support from somewhere else.

What should you do if you suspect your partner of micro-cheating?

If you suspect your partner is guilty of micro-cheating, it’s important you face the situation head-on before it becomes out of hand and does irreparable damage to your relationship. Addressing the situation may be as simple as having a conversation, or it may require you to enlist support. Here’s how to start.

●       Talk to your partner. As with any issue in your relationship, you need to come clean if something’s bothering you. If you’re upset by a specific behavior from your partner, ask them about it. They truly may not be aware that what they’re doing bothers you or is wrong in any way. Explain why it does.

●       Give your partner the opportunity to “fix” things between you. If your partner is sorry about the behavior and wants to make things “right” between you, and that’s what you want, then allow them to do so. Although the incidence(s) of micro-cheating they participated in were hurtful to you and may have caused you to become distrustful, your relationship may not be beyond repair.

Keep in mind, however, that you need to be open to your partner’s efforts. The decision is yours, and your partner may, in fact, need to rely on your guidance as to how to regain your trust.

●       Set boundaries in your relationship. As you and your partner attempt to move past the micro-cheating, it’s helpful to set boundaries in your relationship. That means you should communicate to your partner what behavior is acceptable to you and what isn’t. It also means you need to abide by the boundaries you both set, too. There shouldn’t be any “do as I say, not as I do” situations.

●       Have a mutual understanding of what monogamy and micro-cheating mean. Come up with definitions you both can agree on for monogamy and cheating (any kind) so there’s no confusion in the future about what you expect from your partner and what your partner can expect from you.

●       Ask a professional for help. Overcoming cheating, even micro-cheating, can be an uphill climb for many couples. It’s why people often turn to a marriage counselor or therapist for assistance. Whether you attend sessions together, independently, or commit to some combination thereof, a third party may be able to better articulate what you can’t and help create a plan for you both to move forward — together or alone.

Whichever way you decide to confront micro-cheating, understand you can only control your own behavior. If your partner isn’t treating you how you want to be treated, they’ve done you a favor by freeing you up to find someone who will.

When You Lose Your Best Friend to Their New Relationship

Platonic friendships are directly linked to health and well-being, specifically the notion that people who have close friends are less likely to suffer from depression. Despite their health benefits and the integral role our confidants play in our lives, it sometimes happens that when a friend begins a new romantic relationship, they prioritize time with their partner over their friends, even their best friend, causing a once close friendship to take a back seat.

If the distance becomes too great, persists for too long a time, or a jilted friend decides to sever the connection prematurely out of anger or frustration (e.g., by taking steps to exclude that person from plans with the rest of the friend group), the friendship ends. This can be jarring for both individuals, but especially for the friend who’s still single. If you find yourself in this situation, you’re not alone, as it happens more often than you might think. Here’s how to move forward.

Talk to Your Friend Who’s Hurt You About How You’re Feeling

Before reacting and taking drastic measure to end the friendship unilaterally, approach your friend with a conversation about how you’re feeling. Let them know you miss them, would like to catch up, or are hurt or angry for how they haven’t considered your feelings.

The idea is to be honest as well as open to an explanation. If the friendship means something to you, you’ll listen to what they have to say. In turn, if the friendship means something to them, they will not only hear you out but take affirmative steps to restore the friendship you share.

Understand That Some Friendships Are Just for a Season

You may find, to your amazement and disappointment, that yes, they are deliberately prioritizing their relationship above your friendship. Their reasons could be rooted in various things: how much time they have, their other priorities, religion (some religions explicitly advise putting your spouse before all others, even children), or that they just are kind of done.

This last one may sting, but it’s important to understand that some friendships come into our lives for a season. And that’s OK. Friendships are based on factors such as proximity and where someone is in their life mentally.

The friendship may have also served its purpose for what that person needed and when and has run its course. As for being the one who’s been left behind, this reality can be hard to face but dealing with it head-on can go a long way toward helping you grieve the relationship and move on with your own life.

Remind Yourself That You Don’t Know What Other Factors Are at Play in Your Friend’s Life

Things aren’t always as they seem. Where you might be attributing your friend’s distance to their new relationship, it may actually have nothing to do with it. Financial stressors, illness in their family or with them that you don’t know about, and psychological reasons can all play a part in why a friendship is stagnating for a time.

Your options are to inquire and, even if you aren’t satisfied with your friend’s explanation, to be patient and just see what happens. Sometimes, that’s what being a good friend is — extending your friendship despite the fact that what you’re receiving back doesn’t seem balanced. Regardless of which route you choose, taking care of yourself and your needs should become your priority.

Immerse Yourself in Other Endeavors and Friendships

If you’re feeling isolated or alone because of the loss of a good friend, temporary or permanent, it’s your signal to immerse yourself in other endeavors and to focus on other friendships. That means making plans to engage in activities: trying a new restaurant, getting tickets for the theater, a show, or a movie, playing pickleball, going to the gym, making plans with other friends, and putting yourself in the position to meet new people, include a romatic interest of your own. In other words, your opportunities are many.

Final Thoughts

More often than not, a friend drifting out of your life has more, a lot more, to do with them than it does with you. Which means you shouldn’t take it personally or be a person who weighs themselves down with what you cannot control.

No one is responsible for your happiness except for you. So, if you were relying on your friend’s presence in your life for that, or you are unhappy due to their absence or the limited time they have for you, it’s time to reevaluate what brings you joy and why. And become the best friend to yourself that you deserve.

The Truth About What Men Mean When They Call Women Gold Diggers

As a matchmaker, I see the same narrative time and again: men worrying they will be used for their money, even when they don’t have much of it or anything at all. You know them, the men who speak about gold-digging with contempt, as if this happening to them is somehow a real threat. All the while, they harbor the secret that they have meager savings, debt, and are irresponsible in every way imaginable.

Lacking the means to take care of a partner, let alone themselves, these men’s fear of being exploited may appear irrational to the outsider looking in since there’s nothing to exploit. Rest assured, though, this web they weave makes perfect sense to these so-called vulnerable men.

That’s because if a man can convince a woman early on that she can expect little from him, he won’t have to dole out as much in dinners, entertainment, and travel. And maybe, just maybe, if he’s lucky enough, the woman will take pity on him and pick up the slack in exchange for some sweet talk and feigned affection, the kind that costs him nothing and usually ends up leading nowhere for her.

The problem? (Besides the obvious, that is.) Women not only believe this story but also absorb it far too often, leading them to suppress their ambitions, lower their expectations, and settle for empty promises rather than actions.

Even more dangerous, it can feel to women as if they must prove they are not interested in money before they can accept any modicum of support, security, or partnership. Meanwhile, the men who are experts at this deception demand complete devotion while offering very little in return.

So, how should you feel about men who categorize women (and even have the gall to say it to their faces) with any expectations from a partner as gold diggers? In a nutshell, not good. Here are the reasons why,

Wanting Stability Is Normal

Partnership requires effort, accountability, and shared responsibility. Therefore, wanting a partner who can and will provide practical and financial stability shouldn’t be considered gold-digging.

Women, women like you, have every right to want love, companionship, and emotional connection while expecting a partner to contribute to the relationship and, if you share one, to the household. Asking for this is never too much and should be considered not just normal but the norm. The issue is thus not women wanting too much but men seeing basic effort, reliability, and consistency as exploitation.

Astonishing, yes. Misguided, a double yes. Why? Because sharing responsibility isn’t a burden; it’s the minimum effort required for a healthy relationship. Without this basic understanding, there’s little hope for relationship success and a greater likelihood that resentment will build for both partners (more about this later). As it does, the foundation of the relationship, if there ever was a foundation, weakens. Unfortunately, too often, so does the woman, in every way imaginable.

But women don’t often see this far into the future because they are so hyper-focused on wanting a relationship. One that looks shiny on the outside, even if it is dark on the inside. So they compromise their expectations, and, in the process, themselves.

How Women Adjust to Overcome the Gold Digger Misnomer

Women often make adjustments to avoid being labeled as gold diggers. They lower their expectations, accept promises without follow-through, and tolerate inconsistent behavior. They do this to avoid conflict and protect their image as loving, genuine, and low-maintenance, i.e., not a gold digger.

The reality is that women in this trap often do most of the work in the relationship, and in many cases, long before living with their partner or getting married. At the same time that these women manage their own careers, finances, and emotions, these gold-digger-fearing men place high expectations on the woman they’re with to nurture, support, and care for them in exchange for their devotion.

For the woman to ask for anything more is to take advantage since they’re already getting something they want in return for their efforts. The thing is, these efforts aren’t balanced. Scratch the surface, and the devotion is often not altogether there either.

Understanding Authentic Contribution in a Relationship

A partnership in which both partners are equally devoted requires contributions in several forms: financial participation, emotional support, household work, and planning. This is just for starters. These actions, and many more, are all part of building a life together and need to be demonstrated by both partners.

When men don’t perform these actions, it signals their unwillingness to engage fully in the relationship. Talking about what they will do is not enough. The thing is, you can only have so many conversations before you have to face the reality that this person, and your relationship, isn’t changing, at least for the better.

Facing Reality

If this discussion sounds all too familiar, it’s time to stop perpetuating the myth that men without resources are victims of manipulation and see this narrative for what it is. And that is that the gold-digger label is a mechanism men use to deflect responsibility.

The thing is, not only is this practice dangerous for women, it’s risky for men, since they can never reach their potential living in their partner’s shadow. The result is a culture of angry men who resent women for their own shortcomings. Everyone caught up in this cycle loses.

Fortunately, not everyone is caught up in this cycle, especially if they recognize the risk of it early on with a partner and remove themselves from it. This applies to women just as much as it does to men. There are good people out there: women who understand that asking for a partnership doesn’t make her a gold digger, and men who aren’t afraid to man up and provide it.

Navigating Consent and Respect When Dating

Dating can be exciting, challenging, fun, and confusing, sometimes all at once. Whatever the emotions involved, two fundamental principles must guide every dating experience. They are consent and respect. 

When working together, these two principles should form the basis of a healthy, meaningful, and fulfilling relationship for both partners. Unfortunately, the concepts are often confused and, worse still, ignored. This can range from unhappiness to a violation of the law.  

Consequently, anyone who’s dating must understand what these two words mean, how they differ, and, most importantly, how they relate to one another. A more detailed discussion of these concepts and how they apply to dating and contribute to relationship success follows. 

Understanding Consent

Consent describes an explicit agreement made without coercion or pressure between all parties involved. For a healthy relationship to exist, there must be consent from everyone. 

When someone consents, they willingly, voluntarily, and enthusiastically (a newer concept describing the positive expression of consent) agree to engage in a specific activity, be it physical, emotional, or intimate. Consent can be verbal or non-verbal (e.g., through body language). 

That said, the highest form of consent is to say yes rather than not saying no. Consent can also be legal and depend on age, which may vary from place to place, as well as on the mental competency of the person giving consent. 

Not surprisingly, implicit in consent is communication, making open and honest discussions about each other’s boundaries and comfort zones critical in both giving and obtaining consent. The same applies to withdrawing consent, which can occur at any time. Listening skills are, therefore, also of paramount importance. 

Respect in Dating

Respect goes hand in hand with consent and is likewise necessary to have a healthy dating dynamic. What does respect look like? Simple (or at least it should be): consideration of your partner’s feelings, needs, and boundaries. Like consent, respect is a cornerstone of any healthy, meaningful relationship.

How adept partners are at commanding respect and demonstrating respect matters. Doing both engenders trust, emotional safety, and mutual understanding between partners. Doing one or neither compromises everything. 

Noticeable signs of respect include active, engaged listening, valuing your partner’s opinions, and showing empathy. Well-recognized signs of disrespect include manipulation, disregard for boundaries, and abuse (verbal, emotional, or physical). 

Less obvious signs of disrespect include talking over someone, walking ahead of them, and gaslighting. Though some of these signs can be difficult to recognize in the moment or when they occur in isolation, taken together, they tell a very different story about the quality of a relationship. 

Where Consent and Respect Converge in Dating

When consent and respect guide a relationship, it’s a sign that both partners are operating on the same page. More specifically, it shows they each understand what’s acceptable and what’s not for one another. The result is that they can coexist in a safe, trusting environment where they feel free to grow not just as a couple but as individuals. 

While protecting the sanctity of a couple should always be a priority, it should be equally important to protect each member of a couple so they don’t lose themselves in the relationship. The presence of consent and respect helps to ensure that each person’s voice is heard and considered.       

Final thoughts …

Consent and respect are not buzzwords but rather principles that should direct you in how you behave in every aspect of your dating life. Meaning, these principles should be continuously practiced and revisited. 

As any relationship evolves, so, too, may the boundaries and preferences of the people involved. Therefore, periodic conversations about consent and respect can go a long way toward keeping you and your partner comfortable. And more importantly, happy and contented in a relationship that you continue to create from your shared vision.

How To Reject Someone Nicely While Preserving Their Dignity — and Yours

One of the most exciting parts of dating someone new is getting to know them and eventually deciding whether this potential match is for you. Very early on, after the first date or two, if you're not feeling it, you may not text anymore and quietly part ways.

But what happens when you've been on several dates? Or you have been talking for a few weeks and realize you are incompatible, but the other person seems all into it — and you? This situation is unlike the first date, when you may mutually "ghost" each other. In this situation, one of you has already become somewhat invested.

In this "gray area," however, it may feel as though no breakup method (text, in person, or ghosting) will ever feel appropriate or respectful, making you want to take the path of least resistance, aka the easy way out. So you think ghosting it is!

No. As a matchmaker, the gray area is an issue I know well because my clients, like all daters, must contend with it, too. When they ask me for advice on how to break things off respectfully, here's what I say.

When rejecting someone you've been dating, don't ghost

I believe that ghosting is just about one of the most disrespectful things you could do to someone, even if you've only been on a few dates. Think about it from the other person's point of view. You're still very early on in your relationship, talking to each other and casually dating, getting to know each other better. Chances are, then, the other person still has their rose-colored glasses on, meaning, if you suddenly ghost, you'd be ripping their hope away, possibly leaving your potential match hurt and confused, wondering what could have been.

Instead, tell this person the truth: You don't want to continue seeing them and want to be upfront about it. Ideally, you should break things off in person. However, if you've only met up once or twice but have been talking regularly on the phone, then breaking things off over the phone is fine. I would avoid ending things over text; I believe it's cowardly because a text allows you to drop the breakup bomb on someone without having to witness any of the fallout.

When breaking up, meet up in a neutral setting with an easy exit

If you choose to meet in person to have the breakup conversation, the location you meet at is as important for your comfort as it is for theirs. Especially for a relationship that has not progressed too far, I would not recommend meeting somewhere isolated, most notably either of your homes. Apart from it being potentially awkward, especially if one of you asks the other person to leave, it could be dangerous. The reality is that you don't know this person well and don't know how they will react.

Instead, meet somewhere open and public, like a coffee shop or park. This way, you can get there, say what you need to say, and once the conversation is over, leave. I wouldn't recommend breaking things off over lunch or dinner either because, whether you decide to end things at the beginning of the meal or the end, it could be stomach-turning.

If you still go the restaurant route, have the conversation when you first sit down, before ordering any drinks or food, so you don't end up feeling chained to the table for an hour trying to make awkward small talk as you both wonder who should grab the check. Hint: If you're the one doing the breaking up, it should be you.

Alternatively, breaking up at the end of the meal can prove difficult, too. The lead-up conversation for an hour beforehand may result in you losing your nerve. Or leave your date feeling like you spent the entire length of the meal feigning interest. One minute, you were interested in how their day went, and the next, you're dumping them. In short, don't linger with your date after your breakup conversation is over.

To plan an in-person breakup, pick a location convenient for the person you've been dating

When using online dating, you and the person you're seeing may not necessarily live that close to each other. Choosing a place near you for the breakup may mean your date must travel, incurring both time and expense. If you're meeting to have what may be only a 10-minute conversation, why make them go through the trouble of commuting to you?

The respectful thing to do would be to make the location of the meetup convenient for them. You're the one looking to end things, so you should go to the trouble of picking somewhere near where they live, so at least it's not a long or potentially expensive way back home after they get the bad news.

While breaking up with someone, watch what you say

Rejection can be challenging for people to grasp, so be kind in the way you word your breakup conversation. Let this person know why you're ending things. If, for instance, you realize that you each have different long-term goals, then say that.

But if you're breaking up because you realized you aren't attracted to or don't like them, be careful about saying that specifically. You don't want to tear this person down, so consider leading the discussion with something about personal incompatibility instead. You also don't want to criticize them, causing any additional pain and self-doubt. They will have enough as it is.

How you manage the hits and misses will define the kind of dater you are. Not to mention, next time, it very well may be you who's sitting at the other side of the table. What goes around comes around.

Why ‘Soft Launching’ a Relationship Is the New Normal

Social media gives us a bird's-eye view, at least a curated one, into the lives of our friends, acquaintances, and people we’ve never met before. That being said, what and how much people share varies and can include the mundane, such as what they ate for lunch that day, or the not-so-mundane, like the fact that they’re dating someone new, which can garner a lot of attention, not always all good. If that someone new is you, or you’re the one thinking about posting an update about your love life, here’s why a ‘soft launch’ of a newish relationship on social media may be the right way to go about announcing it.

You want to create curiosity among your followers.

If you’re interested in sparking your followers’ interest, even alluding to a new relationship is a great way to do it. Whether you’re dropping verbal hints or clues via a picture of two sets of feet with the view of the ocean behind them, two ice cream cones, or a selfie of you and your boo cheek to cheek that alludes to a romantic connection between you, you can create a bit of a stir. Not quite the stir you would if you announced you were getting married, but a stir nonetheless. However, …

You don’t want to cause too much commotion.

For many people in the early stages of dating, implying there’s someone new in their life is enough for them at the stage they’re at. The couple wants some attention, but not so much that it invades their privacy, which can be disruptive, especially in a burgeoning relationship.

Though every relationship is fragile and deserving of protection, a new relationship is especially delicate. Even a minor misunderstanding can lead to its demise. When you soft launch, however, you’re able to stay on top of the information going out as well as the information coming in, the latter of which may not always be desirable, especially if someone viewing your posts isn’t happy to see the two of you together.        

You want to maintain your privacy.

When you don’t share too much too soon, it’s much easier to field questions from those who want to know more now. With a soft launch, the ball is still in your court regarding whether you wish to provide them with more details.

Because you haven’t put a lot out there, you can decide on a case-by-case basis about what further information you want to share and what you don’t. Keep in mind that not everyone will be as protective of your personal life as you are, or will genuinely be happy for you despite saying they are. By sharing information piecemeal, if a problem arises, such as private details becoming public or a rumor starting, you’ll be better positioned to track down where it originated.  

You have an ex and/or kids you’re trying to shield. 

Most people will be happy to hear you’ve found a new relationship. But … some individuals may not be “quite” so elated to hear too much too soon, or first hearing about it on social media.

While you shouldn’t live your life for your ex, depending on the circumstances around your breakup, you still may want to be cautious about how much information comes their way and when, especially if it’s soon after the two of you parted ways.

If it's an ex-spouse specifically, you may want to have a private discussion with them first before they learn online that you’re in a relationship. The same holds for parents who may not be thrilled about the partner you’ve chosen to be your new partner. A brief conversation, however, may help alleviate any shock or anger.

Children are a separate story. If they’re old enough to be on social media, it will generally be better for the health of your relationship with them if you set up a time to discuss your new relationship status before the rest of the world finds out.

Even young children who aren’t on social media can be affected by what you post, simply because people discuss what they see online. So, talk to young children, too, and be careful that what you post won’t be hurtful to them should they find out.

You want to make sure.

We’ve all seen that person sing from the rooftops about their new relationship, post a ton of pics, and profess their undying love and devotion, only to wipe that person from their social media accounts and lives shortly after. It can be embarrassing, not to mention cause unnecessary pain. Going through the disappointment of a breakup isn’t fun; having people watch it in real-time and talk about it is even worse.

A soft launch, alternatively, allows you to ease into revealing to others how the situation is going between you and your new partner. Meaning, you can pace what you share according to how secure you’re feeling as a couple. And if the relationship doesn’t work out, the good news is that most people won’t notice immediately if the posts have stopped and that person has disappeared from your life.

Final Thoughts About Soft Launching a New Relationship

While soft launching a new relationship can be an effective way to protect your heart, you and your partner should both be using this social media strategy for the right reasons. If you are using a soft launch or you feel your partner is using it to hide the fact that you’re in a relationship together, then you should question why you are. Though you and the person you’re with may not want to shout from the rooftops that you’re a couple just yet, you want to make sure that if the question comes up, they will.

Is Talking to Multiple People Fair Game in the Early Stages of Dating?

There are different approaches to dating, some of which tend to cause more confusion than others. One of the questions often debated by singles, maybe even you, is whether to date multiple people in the early stages of dating or devote your attention to one person at a time. As a matchmaker who, after over 30 years in the business, has lived through more dating trends than I can count, dating multiple people in the early stages of dating is not only fair game, but also smart. Here’s why.

It Increases Your Odds of Finding a Match

While 42% of the U.S. population is unpartnered, amounting to millions of people to choose from theoretically, most of the people you encounter will be a “not for me.” The same goes for the people you date, who will likely feel the same way:

Not everyone will want to start a relationship with you on your timeline or at all. Fair enough. Everyone’s looking for something different. Factor in chemistry, which, when absent, can nix even the most seemingly perfect person on paper, and the pool has just gotten smaller.

However, when you talk to and date multiple people at once during the early stages of dating, you are casting a wider net than you would if you were engaging with one person at a time. Annoying, I get it. And time-consuming. But in the long run, approaching dating this way actually prevents you from wasting valuable time with the wrong people.

It Prevents You From Becoming Too Invested Too Fast

When dating, it’s tempting to try to fit a round peg in a square hole. Meaning, trying to find characteristics in the person you’re seeing that could fit your list of must-haves in order for a relationship to work for you.

If you are talking to and dating more than one person, however, it becomes a lot easier to be discerning. To say to yourself that this situation doesn’t feel right, and not become invested too fast in someone with whom a relationship, or the relationship you want, won’t be possible.

It Allows You to Make Comparisons

Unfortunately, it’s not always easy to identify right off the bat if someone has the qualities you want in a partner. But when you’re seeing several people at the outset, you are better positioned to make comparisons between them.

Is this person communicating with you regularly? Is this person treating you with respect? Is this person someone whose company you enjoy? When you have multiple people to compare, these questions become a lot easier to answer. Someone’s usually in the lead.

It Enables You to Move On Without Second-Guessing

Related to the above, if someone you’re dating is clearly in the lead for you, it makes it so much easier to say goodbye to the other people you’re talking to or dating. Mind you, there may be no one in the lead; they may all be equally incompatible.

In this case, you still have the information you need to move forward and start from scratch by talking to new people and setting up dates with them. As you repeat this process, the odds stay in your favor that you’ll come across someone you want to date on repeat and who wants to date you.

It Keeps You in the Mix

It’s safe to say that not every date will lead to a relationship. That being said, a relationship that’s going nowhere could lead to a relationship with someone else that will go somewhere. Somewhere good. Let me explain.

When you meet someone you like but with whom you are not compatible, and they feel the same about you, they may know someone to set you up with. Happens all the time, which is why it’s best to be in the mix of singles in your area. When you’re talking to multiple people, you’re in the mix.

Not to mention, you can be the one to connect people you meet on dates if they’re not your match. Sending out positive vibes into the universe is never a bad thing.

It Makes You More Desirable

Demonstrating that you are in demand and being consistently praised by those you’ve dated in the past makes you desirable. That’s just human nature.

Keep in mind, though, that you want to be desired in the right way. So, treat people well. More importantly, treat yourself well, with dignity and respect, and maintain high standards. Always.

It Keeps the Playing Field Level

Most people talk to and date multiple people at once until they commit to being not only monogamous but also in an exclusive and committed relationship with only each other. By talking to and going on dates with multiple people until both of these things happen, you are keeping the playing field level since the people you are dealing with are likely doing the same.

Don’t give anyone the girlfriend or boyfriend experience unless they’re doing the same for you. You’re worth waiting for, and the right person will wait for you.

Are Your Dating Standards Healthy or Unrealistic?

The dating pool is so large that, at times, it can feel ominous, which is why sticking to a pre-determined set of principles can help you eliminate those who aren’t compatible with your long-term goals. That being said, if you aren’t finding eligible singles to date, it can be a sign that it’s time to re-examine your standards to determine whether some of them may be unrealistic expectations in disguise that are interfering with your search. With this in mind, here are a few tips for how to make the distinction.

What Healthy Dating Standards Look Like

It’s not so hard to recognize healthy standards when you know what you’re looking at. A healthy standard could be wanting to date someone who treats you with respect, listens when you speak, and makes an effort to spend quality time with you. These are realistic “wants” that are both rooted in your values and can support you in finding a meaningful relationship.

Healthy standards can also include lifestyle choices and compatibility. For example, you may want someone who shares your faith or who values physical activity because that’s part of your daily routine. You may want someone who is fiscally responsible or who enjoys spending time with family and friends who are like family, because you live your life this way, too.

Searching for a partner who looks like a model, makes a lot of money, and has no emotional baggage? Consider whether you could hold yourself to those same standards. If the answer is no, your expectations may need some tweaking.

The point is that healthy standards should align with qualities that make you feel safe, supported, and seen in a relationship. When you hold to standards that are inexorably tied to maintaining self-respect and fulfilling your needs, you are effectively taking measures to protect yourself from falling into a relationship that will leave you unhappy or unfulfilled. Though it’s not a given that this won’t happen, the odds are more in your favor that you’ll discover positive interactions, even if those relationships don’t last a lifetime. 

Signs Your Standards Might Be Too Rigid

Being selective is simply smart dating behavior. There is a caveat, though: Sometimes standards can be so rigid that no one will ever have a shot of getting close to you.

How do you know if this is happening? Easy. If you consistently find yourself dismissing people for minor reasons, if you keep finding reasons to cut new people loose before they have a chance to show you who they are, making second dates rare for you, that is reason enough to take a step back.

If you flat-out refuse to date someone, for example, because they don’t share a particular interest of yours or because they do not meet an exact height requirement, you may be selling viable matches short (no pun intended). Bottom line: The problem may be in your stringent list of requirements rather than with the actual people you’re meeting.

The way to change this behavior is to get to the reasons underlying it. Rigid standards are often a manifestation of fear. If you are worried about being hurt, you might be using dealbreakers as a means of protecting yourself. While self-preservation is natural, too much of a good thing can hinder your chances of meeting your person. Recognizing this pattern is the first step toward deviating from it. So, what do too many dealbreakers look like in action?

Spotting Unrealistic Expectations

Unrealistic expectations often show up as demands that no person could meet. Wanting a partner who will never disagree with you, never struggle emotionally or physically, or who is always available when you want them to be will only disappoint you. Everyone has flaws, needs, and desires, and expecting otherwise sets new prospects (and you) up for failure.

Another signal that your expectations might be unrealistic and unproductive is when your dating goals are more geared toward superficial factors, such as appearance or social status, rather than a person’s character and values. For example, only wanting a partner who drives a specific car or eats at certain restaurants regularly will not guarantee a satisfying relationship or a sense of fulfillment. Likely, you’ll end up with quite the opposite.

Healthy Standards Leave Room for Differences

Healthy relationships come from knowing what’s important to you while still allowing room to learn from one another and for each other’s differences and curiosity. The sweet spot is when you honor your non-negotiables while still leaving space for you and a partner to flourish as a couple and as individuals.

When respect and honesty are at the top of your priorities for a relationship, then you have a good chance at finding long-term satisfaction. Other, less significant details, such as your favorite TV shows or hobbies, typically end up mattering less in the long run.

If you are unclear on what qualities rank high for you, try sorting your standards into categories. These can include your must-haves, would-be-nice-to-haves, and dealbreakers.

Questions to Ask Yourself Before Ruling Someone Out

Before deciding someone is not right for you, ask yourself: Am I rejecting this person for a reason related to our compatibility, or am I reacting to something superficial? Does their lifestyle not mesh with mine in such a way that it would lead to long-term conflict for us, or is it simply a detail that won’t carry much weight for the long haul?

Another valid question to ask yourself is whether you are being fair to people you don’t know well. Are you holding potential partners to standards you can and would also be willing to meet? A healthy relationship relies on mutual effort, not a one-sided list of demands, so if you’re coming in with such a list, it’s time to check yourself.

Finally, ask whether time and patience might reveal more about this person. Some people open up slower than others, and dismissing people too quickly may cause you to miss out on an individual who could have been a strong match once you had gotten to know them better.

Final Thoughts

Recognizing unrealistic expectations is not the same as compromising your worth. No one, no relationship, should ever cause you to do that. But what it does signal is that you’ve taken the initiative to verify that the qualities you are focusing on are, in fact, the qualities that also must be present in a relationship for it to last, like honesty, kindness, and emotional availability.

Most of us start out thinking that we have a “type,” and in some ways that may be true. The thing is, some of the best relationships I’ve seen began when two people stepped away from their type to give the other a chance. Only to find that this person, and not the others they had dated before them, was exactly their type after all.

The Etiquette of Wishing Your Ex a ‘Happy Birthday’ After a Breakup

Birthdays are special occasions, deserving of recognition. On birthdays, people from near and far, from all parts of your life, seem, like magic, to emerge out of their own busy existence with texts, social media messages, and sometimes plans to celebrate your special day with you. It’s a wonderful feeling to know you’ve made an impression, even in some small way, on the people you’ve met, and sometimes haven’t.

Where these simple, seemingly polite platitudes become a less-than-wonderful experience is when you hear them from an ex you are no longer communicating with due to a recent split, or haven’t spoken to in months or even years, and have gone your separate ways. At the very least, a simple “Happy Birthday” text can leave you scratching your head as to why this person suddenly reached out after nothing but silence and what their intentions are for doing so. Far more concerning is when that outreach has the effect of disrupting your life.     

The etiquette surrounding birthday wishes after a breakup is highly debated, and there are a couple of reasons why: The person on the receiving end (1) might not want to hear from their ex, and (2) if they do want to, could misinterpret their ex’s intentions. With these two factors in mind, here’s what to do if you receive an unexpected birthday wish from an ex or are considering sending one.

Ask Yourself How You Feel About Hearing From Your Ex

Upon receiving a birthday text from your ex, ask yourself how you feel about it. Does it make you anxious, or are you happy to hear from them? If you are excited, are you envisioning something happening between you because they wished you a happy birthday?

It’s imperative to take time to understand why you feel the way you do. If you are anxious, is it because this person has the capacity to hurt you emotionally, physically, or both? Have they in the past? Should either scenario be applicable, it’s best to take measures to protect yourself.

If hearing from your ex excites you, it can help to take a step back and examine the birthday message at face value. Are they saying something to you beyond “Happy Birthday,” like “I love you, I’ve missed you, I want us to be together,” in which case their intentions for reaching out are clear? Or does their simple wish leave you wondering what is actually in their head? The answers to these questions should direct how you want to respond, if at all.  

Decide Whether You Want to Respond

If you believe your ex’s entrance into your life will cause you harm, either by their deliberate actions or because of the emotions they raise in you, by all means, don’t respond. This may sound harsh and may even sound mean. However, you don’t owe an ex anything, including your attention. This is still true if they accompany their birthday wishes with a grand(er) gesture, such as flowers or a gift. Again, you don’t owe this person so much as a thank you.   

On the other hand, if you are happy to hear from your ex and want to reply, you now have your invitation. However, be cautious, as you still don’t know their intentions for reaching out. Yes, it may seem like they want you back, given their reappearance. However, people can have many reasons for reaching out to an ex besides wanting them back. Those reasons could include missing you (but still not wanting a romantic relationship with you), curiosity about what’s going on in your life, guilt about the way they treated you or how things ended, a desire to be friends, a desire to appear the good guy or girl, or wanting sex. 

The best way to find out what they want is simply to ask. That may feel awkward to do, but asking can save you heartache. No, you won’t scare them off if they want a relationship with you; they will be more than happy to say that if it’s what they want.

Here’s the critical part: They will then demonstrate through their actions that they are willing to do the work to get you back. Remember, for a relationship to work following a breakup, something has to fundamentally change in the new relationship so you both can move forward feeling more secure as a couple. 

Think Long and Hard About the Consequences of Sending a Birthday Wish to Your Ex

Given how much confusion can arise from a birthday wish to an ex, it can be worth spending a few moments considering the effect popping into someone’s life you have history with can have on them. Sure, it may feel good in the moment, and you may get the payoff you’re looking for, but it may not feel so good for your ex and can, in fact, hurt them. Is the benefit to you worth that pain to them?

Unless you mean business, unless you want to try and win your ex back, and unless you feel like your appearance will be welcomed by your ex, it is best to stay silent and let your ex live in peace on their birthday and every other day of the year. If you genuinely care about your ex, your silence may become the best birthday gift you ever give them.

Embracing Second Chances: The Empowerment of Choice

Life rarely unfolds the way we first imagine. Many of us have lived through chapters filled with love, loss, growth, and change. For those who are divorced or widowed, the idea of dating again later in life can feel daunting — even overwhelming. But what if this chapter isn’t about fear or regret, but about freedom? What if second chances are where the most meaningful love stories begin?

When you were younger, love often came with expectations: start a family, build a home, follow the timeline society set for you. Choices may have felt limited, rushed, or influenced by what others thought you “should” do. But now, you carry something you didn’t have then — wisdom. With that wisdom comes clarity, and with clarity comes the empowerment of choice.

A second chance isn’t about recreating the past. It’s about stepping into the future with intention. At this stage of life, you know what matters most. You know the value of kindness, respect, and shared values. You know the difference between being with someone out of necessity and choosing someone who brings joy, companionship, and true connection.

Today, you are free to choose differently. Free to set boundaries. Free to decide what kind of partner you want and what kind of relationship you deserve. That freedom isn’t a burden — it’s a gift. It allows you to say no to relationships that don’t serve you and yes to opportunities that enrich your life.

Embracing second chances means reclaiming your story. You’re not starting over at the beginning — you’re starting again, but with a lifetime of lessons behind you. And this time, you get to write the story on your terms. Love after 50 isn’t about following a script. It’s about embracing authenticity, passion, and companionship in a way that feels right for you.

Second chances aren’t just possible — they can be the most fulfilling chapter yet. Because when you choose from a place of wisdom and self-awareness, you’re no longer settling. You’re creating. You’re curating. You’re stepping into a love story defined not by circumstance, but by the power of your choice.

Tips for Dating When You’re in Recovery for Alcohol or Drugs

When you’re sober, in recovery, or have recovered from alcoholism or drugs (there are various ways to describe this journey, with some nuance), it’s a fairly common sentiment to recognize that staying healthy requires care. That being said, how, at what level, and in what circumstances such care will look like will depend on the individual. Given the emotions involved, including highs, lows, and everything in between, dating can be one of the circumstances where extra attention is warranted. With this in mind, here are a few suggestions if you’re looking for love amid recovery.

Start with Self-Check: Where Are You Now?

Before dating, it’s important to make sure you’re ready for the investment of time, money, intention, and emotion that dating demands, at least if you plan on doing it “well,” whatever well means to you. Your self-check should not be a fleeting thought, either.

Rather, you should think through your decision to start dating over a period of days, weeks, or even months, reminding yourself that you are always free to stop if you don’t feel comfortable. This is your life and you are in control of it.

Know What You’re Looking For, and What You’re Not

Consider what qualities you are looking for in a partner. Also, think about a potential partner’s lifestyle and whether you believe it will mesh with yours.

If, for example, you are using a dating app and come across someone who enjoys frequenting breweries or is interested in wine tastings, this may not be something you’re comfortable with or will be interested in. While it may have been in the past, you are who you are today. Having a clear picture of who you’re looking for will help weed out obvious mismatches early.

Be Honest About Your History (When You're Ready)

It’s helpful for the health of a burgeoning relationship to be honest about your history early on, but only when you’re ready. How early will, again, depend on you and your comfort level. For some people, that may mean putting it in their dating profile. For others, it might mean having a conversation a few dates in if it looks like a relationship is taking hold.

The subject of addiction could be part of a conversation you initiate, or it could come up organically. What’s important is not hiding a part of yourself that could be relevant to someone else’s decision-making when choosing a partner they will be comfortable with.

It’s better to know sooner rather than later if some aspect of your life will change that person’s thoughts on a relationship. Your time is valuable, and you are valuable. So, you want to find someone who wants to be with you. All of you.

Pay Attention to How You Feel Around Them

As in any new relationship, you will want to pay close attention to how you feel not only when you are in the company of someone you’re dating but also when you’re apart. Both are telling.

If you are relaxed and comfortable either way, that is a good sign. But it doesn’t mean you have met your “one” just yet. This is a question to ask continually, as people reveal more about themselves over time.

Remember, you are evaluating your partner just as much as they are evaluating you. While someone may be a great person, it doesn’t mean they will be s great relationship partner for you. This holds even if they are fully supportive of your recovery.

Protect Your Routine and Wellness

While dating, or if you end up getting into a serious relationship, always take care to protect the routine you’ve established that helps you stay sober or clean. This will create a strong foundation for your relationship and your life.

You are, as always, your own best advocate, meaning that your health and wellness must always remain your priority. If you find that the person you’re dating or the relationship you’re in as a whole is putting that at risk, it’s time to reassess whether you’re situation is one you want to remain in.

A strong relationship not only keeps its partners strong, but it also makes them stronger as couples and as individuals. This is because there is power in numbers, especially when it’s two people who love and support each other. So ask yourself: Are you, or could you be, that person for the one you’re with, and, just as importantly, are they or could they be that for you? 

Should I Consider Dating Someone Who’s in Recovery?

Being in recovery from alcohol or drugs is an accomplishment worthy of celebration. The road to get there was undoubtedly difficult for the person who traversed it, and it is never far from their mind.

As someone who has not been on this path, dating an individual who has may cause you to wonder if you should get involved with them. After all, as an outsider, there’s no way for you to fully know or understand what challenges getting to that place of recovery entailed or the challenges they face every day to stay there.

With these considerations in mind, should you give someone in recovery a chance as a relationship partner? Here are a few questions you may want to consider.

Are you understanding of addiction as a disease?

Addiction is a disease. A chronic disease. As a chronic disease, it’s possible to get it under control so that its ill effects never resurface, but if the conditions are right, it’s best to remember that it could. And if it does, it can dismantle the life the person in recovery has worked hard to create, as well as dismantle the lives of those around them.

For those who’ve been around addiction, they’ve seen and, therefore, know what addiction can look like in its worst moments. For those who haven’t, it can be a struggle to comprehend how a relapse can happen and what it takes to recover from it, which will invariably include the support of the people in that person’s life. Support that they may or may not be willing to admit they need or accept readily.

This all can be a jolt for someone unfamiliar with addiction. That said, it doesn’t mean you can’t become more literate on the subject.  

Are you interested in learning more about addiction?

If you are up for learning more about addiction because you want to support a partner, there’s much to learn. Though you may never understand completely what it’s like to be addicted to alcohol or drugs if that hasn’t been your life experience, there are copious resources available to become more fluent in addiction. Learning more can help you not only decide whether you want to be in a relationship with someone in recovery but also what your relationship could look like on its worst days.

Informed decisions are usually the ones you won’t regret later. Not to mention, there are no guarantees with anything in life, including that someone who’s never been addicted will develop addiction later.

Are you in a position to be supportive of a partner who’s in recovery?

When considering dating someone in recovery, it’s helpful not only to think about what could happen if that person relapses and what your role in that situation would be, but also to imagine what your support would require when they’re doing well and at their strongest. Here’s why.

Being in recovery requires an ongoing commitment from the individual who has the disease. It stands to reason that they shouldn’t be with someone who won’t be tolerant of their need to not be in situations that could compromise their well-being. Are you in a place in your life where you are willing to make your partner part of your decision-making for the choices you make for yourself?

If having a cocktail, for example, is something you enjoy and are not willing to give up, it’s helpful to be honest with yourself and your potential partner early on. It may not bother them at all. But in all fairness, they, too, should know more about your likes and habits before they decide to date you. A real relationship requires commitment from both partners to succeed.

Are you willing to love someone for who they are?

Someone who has an addiction in their past may have moments behind them as well that they aren’t proud of or wish didn’t happen. This, of course, goes for anyone, but for someone who’s dealt with an addiction, those feelings can be more pronounced.

The last thing an individual in recovery will need in their life is a partner who holds their past against them. More than that, like you, they will need someone to love them for who they are. Ask yourself honestly: Are you capable of being that person for them?

Final Thoughts

People everywhere, especially as we age, can suffer from a chronic illness. Addiction is just one of these diseases. However, like every disease, it has its unique characteristics, making it wise to familiarize yourself with them before taking on the role of partner.

Genuine partnerships involve good days, bad days, and monotonous days. That’s life. And in life, we all have choices, including whether we are up for the job of being the strong and devoted partner someone else deserves. 

It’s Your First Trip Together: Who Pays?

The question of who pays when taking a trip with a new partner for the first time is common. It’s not surprising, as many factors can come into play when deciding what feels right to you personally and for the health of your new relationship. If you’re about to embark on this milestone (which raises different financial considerations from dating) and are unsure how best to handle the money, here are a few questions to ask yourself before deciding, not in any specific order.

Who did the inviting?

Even though one person does the inviting, it’s helpful not to rely on that as code for that person offering to pick up the tab, even though it would stand to reason they would. This assumption is no longer necessarily true in today’s dating world.

If you’re at all concerned about expectations, you should leave nothing up to chance. Ask. Just because someone is wealthy or has more money than you do doesn’t mean they will automatically want or expect to pay for everything.

How long have you known each other?

It’s important to consider how long you’ve known each other. Yes, some people take trips with a partner they haven’t known for very long. As long as you’re being safe, meaning you’ve vetted them as best you can, that’s your prerogative.

That being said, though you may be fine investing your time in someone you don’t know well, you also need to consider what financial investment you’re comfortable with. Even a weekend away can be pricey.

To avoid unwanted surprises, consider whether you would feel more comfortable going to Capri with friends, as they’re a known quantity. This means you can pretty much count on your trip not getting ruined, as new relationships that haven’t endured the stressors of traveling together can fall apart fast.

What can each of you afford?

If you’re still up for taking the risk that the trip may not be all you hoped for because of who you’re with, it’s best to really look at the numbers and then add to your budget in case the trip doesn’t go according to plan and you need to part ways while away. Translation: You could end up paying more than you expected.

Should you determine that your budget doesn’t allow for what you’re either proposing or have been invited to, speak up immediately. You don’t know this person for long or well, and they have no allegiance to you or your financial well-being. That’s on you.

Be your own advocate from the beginning, and avoid awkward situations or spending more than you want to or can. Paying for a vacation months after you get home, even if it went great, can tarnish the memories.

Do you see a future with this person?

This question also speaks to investment. If you don’t see a future with this person, be honest with yourself and them about your feelings before going away together. First, a sincere person doesn’t take from someone, whether a meal or a trip, when they have already decided they’re not into that person and don’t see a future. So, if that’s you, and you’re just looking to have a good time, think about contributing.

Second, you always have the option to say you’d like to see where your relationship heads before taking a couples trip. You’re not taking the possibility of traveling together off the table for good, but just for right now. You may feel differently later.

Will you be happy with the arrangement you’re considering?

If, after going through the above analysis with yourself and the person you’re dating, you decide to move forward with the trip and have agreed to a financial arrangement, make sure you’re happy with it. This goes for today and after you get back. There’s nothing like harboring resentment to snuff out a spark.

A better alternative? Treat that spark with care, as you would a campfire you’re trying to light. As you probably know, to get a good fire going, it takes patience, attention, and respect for the forces of nature.

Burgeoning love is one of those forces, leaving it up to you to handle it and those who potentially offer it with respect. The person you’re dating should do the same for you. As you will discover, when you and a partner have the same itinerary, it will become much more likely that you will find yourself on the trip of a lifetime in every way that matters. 

You Are Who You Date: What Your Choices Say About You

You’re probably familiar with the phrase “You are what you eat.” If you are health-conscious, you’ve probably also realized there’s much truth to it. Well, there’s another phrase I like to use that I also find to be true, and that is “You are who you date.”

While you may want to argue with me that this statement is not true since you and your love interests are different people who don’t necessarily have the same goals and aspirations, not to mention that you both have unique life histories, I argue that the people you date speak to who you are and where you are in your life. With this in mind, here’s what your dating choices say about you.

Your dating choices speak to how you feel about your appearance.

When you date someone who is trying to improve the way you look — the way you dress, the way you wear your makeup or hair, the color nail polish you choose, and your weight, among other characteristics — and you stay with them once you realize what they’re doing, it’s time to look in the mirror. But not to verify that what they’re saying is true. No. It’s to tell yourself that you don’t need someone to direct you in your life.

If you were good with how you looked before them and now find yourself questioning your appearance because of what the person you’re dating is saying to you about it, you are not living your life for you. It’s one thing if you want to change certain aspects of your appearance, and another if someone else is telling you that they should so you’ll be more attractive to them.   

Your dating choices speak to how secure you feel in your finances.

Ask any financial expert, and they’ll probably tell you that financial literacy is correlated with financial independence, and financial independence is correlated with financial security and confidence. They’ll probably also tell you this doesn’t mean you must earn or have saved a lot. You may, but it doesn’t have to. Yes, wealthy people can overspend and find themselves in debt, while middle-class people can enjoy peacefulness in their lives, at least where having adequate means to care for themselves and their family is concerned.

Why does understanding these relationships matter? If you’re dating someone who’s a financial mess, who doesn’t pay their bills on time, who has bill collectors calling, who spends without considering whether they have the means to, and doesn’t prioritize saving for the future or a rainy day, their lifestyle will inevitably impact yours.

At a minimum, they will be nervous or stressed about their finances, or you will be nervous or stressed that they’re not. More importantly, they have already signaled to you that they are not a viable partner.

Hook up with them, and they will drag you down into a financial rabbit hole that could negatively affect your bottom line. When you choose to stay with such a person, you are casting a vote for your future that doesn’t speak highly of the one you’re willing to settle for.  

Your dating choices speak to how you feel about your career

When you date someone and they reveal they don’t respect your career path, again, it’s time to reevaluate. If they’re constantly urging you to do something else, step it up a notch, or shift gears in some way because what you do doesn’t make them feel happy or satisfied, you’re effectively letting them take from you.

It’s one thing to ask for guidance and to be on the receiving end of constructive advice that is offered with love, care, and your well-being in mind. It’s another to be on the receiving end of advice given because it would somehow benefit them, whether financially or in how they would look to others.

Stay with this individual, you’re effectively saying that the career you’ve been pouring your heart into doesn’t actually mean that much to you. Is this true?

Your dating choices speak to your ability to take care of your children

If you are a parent, you are dating both for yourself and them. Even if you aren’t looking to get married, being in a long-term relationship with someone means their presence will seep into your relationships with your family, particularly your children.

When a partner is not parent material in your mind, based on how they parent their children or how they behave otherwise, you are making a statement about your ability to protect your family, not to mention yourself. Even if this person has little to no contact with your kids, if they’re not treating their own the right way, if you fundamentally disagree with their parenting choices or life choices, it will cause dissension for you, and maybe arguments with them. Is this what you need to feel secure in your relationship today and the future?

Your dating choices speak to how you feel about your attractiveness level in general

Should you experience some or all of the above with the person you’re dating, deep down, you already know you have no future with them. So, it’s time to ask yourself: Why are they still in your life?

The people you date should like you for you. You are not someone’s pet project. You are not here for someone else to turn you into what you want. That’s not how dating or life, for that matter, should work.

When you stay with someone who makes you feel “less than,” you are making a statement about your level of attractiveness overall, specifically that you’re not attractive as a partner. Without knowing you, I already know that’s not true.

We all have parts of ourselves and parts of our lives that we’d like to improve on. This is a good thing. It means we’re still living and growing as human beings.

You want to find a partner who feels the same positivity about themselves and their lives. The best relationships come about when two people who are strong, independent, and confident in their growth merge their lives so they can continue to be strong independently and even stronger as a couple.

When He’s Moving Too Slow: Is He Not Interested?

So often, the conversation among singles revolves around men moving too fast, meaning asking for sex on or before the first date. Or on the second or the third, way before many women find themselves ready. 

But there’s a flip side to this, which is making women uncomfortable as well: when a guy is moving too slow, as in he hasn’t made his move, even leaning in for a kiss, a couple of months in. The question thus emerges: Is he not interested? Here’s what to consider when answering this question for yourself.   

Have you forgotten what it means to have a man respect you?

When a guy is moving slowly, it can feel like rejection in disguise. But a slow pace doesn’t automatically translate to disinterest. It might mean he’s trying to be cautious or unsure how you feel. 

Ask yourself this: Are you interpreting his patience as a lack of desire because you’re used to being pressured? Some women confuse respect with distance, particularly if they’re used to men pushing physical boundaries early on. 

You can appreciate someone taking their time without jumping to conclusions. And it might be worth exploring whether the discomfort comes from him or an old pattern that makes you question your worth when things aren’t moving faster.

Has he demonstrated through his actions that he’s interested in you romantically?

Is he calling or texting regularly? Does he ask how your day was, and remember little things you’ve said? Does he make plans in advance? These are the signs that someone’s interested, so if the answer is yes, that is a kind of intimacy. Just because it hasn’t turned physical doesn’t mean he doesn’t want it to with you. 

If you’re not getting any of that, it’s worth considering whether his slowness is rooted in a lack of desire or effort. People show interest in different ways, but it’s pretty clear when someone puts energy into building a connection. 

When a man keeps things vague, is only available on his terms, or if every interaction leaves you reading between the lines, you should take it as he’s not interested. Though you don’t need grand, romantic gestures, consistency and care count for a lot. If you’re left guessing rather than feeling chosen, his slow pace might be about his priorities, of which you’re not one.

Have you brought up the subject of sex?

It’s completely fine to talk about sex before you have it. If he hasn’t brought it up and you’re wondering where he stands, you don’t need to wait for him to make the first move. You can open that door.

The way someone reacts to that conversation will tell you a lot. Does he shut down or get awkward? Or is he open and responsive? 

You also don’t have to lead with “Why haven’t you kissed me?” But you can say, “I’ve noticed we haven’t talked about physical stuff yet, and I’m curious how you’re thinking about it.” 

That’s not pressure. It’s communication. If you’re both adults and getting to know each other with the hope of a real relationship, conversations like this should feel normal and not scary. Bottom line: Don’t assume silence means he’s not into it. He might just be waiting for a signal that you’re open to the topic.

Have you discussed exclusivity and commitment around sex?

This is an important factor. Some people don’t like to mix physical intimacy with uncertainty. If he’s taking his time, it could be because he wants to know where things are going before taking that step. Yes, men can think like this, too. It’s a sign of emotional maturity. 

Or he could be dating multiple people and isn’t ready to cross that line with anyone yet. Here’s the thing: You don’t have to guess. Ask. 

You’re allowed to want transparency about what sex means in the context of a relationship. If you’re a person who wants exclusivity before becoming physical, this is an excellent opportunity to say that out loud. See how he responds. 

When a guy shares a similar view or respects yours, that should tell you something about his values. Should he dodge the issue or cause you to feel awkward about bringing it up, that’s also telling. Either way, you get information to move forward without blinders on.

Are you ready to ask him to test for STIs, and you to do the same?

This topic’s talked about less often, but it matters greatly. Before your relationship turns physical, you should feel safe having this conversation. If you’re hesitating to ask him about testing or to offer to do it yourself, ask why. 

Is it because you’re unsure of how he’ll react? Is it too soon, or are you not feeling close enough with him to have this conversation yet? Being ready for sex means being prepared to talk about health and safety, too. You don’t need to make the conversation heavy. You can say, “When the time comes, I’d want us both to get tested. That’s part of how I take care of myself.” If you’re uncomfortable saying that to him, maybe it’s not the right time to be physical. 

Final Thoughts

Sex is one way to deepen your connection, and should not revolve around anyone’s timeline except your own. If you can’t talk about it, don’t do it. If you can, then you’re likely in a healthier spot to determine whether this is someone you want to have sex with for all the reasons that feel right to you.

Can You Turn a Situationship into a Boyfriend?

For those who’ve knowingly entered or somehow gotten into a situationship, the question often arises: Can you turn a situationship into a boyfriend?

While the same can be asked of a man who wants to turn his situationship into a girlfriend, it’s much less common. Usually, that looks like a guy trying to get out of the friend zone with a woman he hasn’t slept with, making man-woman situationships a far different scenario since the woman has invested herself sexually in a relationship without a commitment.

In my experience, it’s very challenging for a woman to change how the man she’s involved with looks at her. Here’s why.  

What he thinks of you is probably already set

People show you who they are early on, and they also show you how they view you. If a man is treating you like someone he’s casually seeing, it’s because that’s how he defines your relationship. He may enjoy your company, like the sex, find texting with you now and then amusing, and say sweet things in the moment. Still, none of it means he sees you as someone he wants a relationship with. Now or ever.

Most of the time, men don’t wake up one day and decide to put you in a different relationship category. That rarely happens unless it’s in the movies or something significant changes for them, like they decide it’s time to find a wife because all of their friends are getting married. Keep in mind, though, it still might not be you.

It’s easy to think that if you just say or do the right thing, a guy you’re casual with will see your value as a relationship partner. Unfortunately, more often than not, he’s already decided who you are to him and won’t be upgrading your role in his life.

If he wanted more, you’d already know

This one may sting because it’s likely true. When a man wants to be with you, it’s obvious. You won’t have to parse his texts or wonder where you stand. You won’t feel like you’re always initiating, waiting around, or walking on eggshells. You won’t feel anxious after seeing him. Instead, you’ll feel calm.

If you’re questioning everything, you already have your answer. It’s not that he’s playing a long game or taking his time. These are the lies women tell themselves to feel better and give themselves false hope. What you’re feeling is merely the low level of connection he’s offering you, and nothing more.

As women, we waste so much time trying to read between the lines when the truth is right in front of us. In general, men say what they mean. Beyond his words, because many men deliberately offer the possibility of a relationship as a dangling carrot, pay attention to how a guy shows up for you.

Once you do, you usually can’t unsee his true intentions. Sure, you can keep hoping he’ll come around. But it will be far more efficient for you to find the relationship you want. All you have to do is admit what your current relationship is predicated on, which is not much, and start choosing yourself.

Hoping he’ll change usually leads to you feeling worse

Hope can be comforting. That being said, it can also be misleading. When you’re hoping someone will change, what you’re doing is waiting. Waiting on potential, that is.

Worse yet, while you’re waiting, you’re putting your needs on the back burner. You’re ignoring the reality of the relationship in lieu of the possibility of something better down the line. The problem is, most of the time, better never comes. If by the off chance it does, it usually comes in a way that won’t look exactly like what you imagined, and not in a good way. What will be left is you feeling disappointed, questioning yourself, or worse, blaming yourself for why the situation(ship) didn’t turn out differently.

Look, it’s not that change is impossible. We’ve all heard a story about a friend of a friend of a friend who started out casual with a guy and flipped the script. Anything can happen. The question is, what are the odds it will?

The way of the world is such that change only happens when the person needing to change their position themselves initiates it, not because you want them to. If you’re constantly managing your expectations, editing your feelings, or pretending you’re fine with less, ask yourself whether this is love or fear of letting them go. More often than not, fear is what’s been driving your decision-making up to now.

His choices say more about where he is in life than anything about you

To elaborate on the last section, it’s easy to internalize someone else’s lack of commitment as something you’re doing wrong. You start wondering if you were prettier, funnier, thinner, had more money, or were more laid-back, would he want to be with you? The answer is that it probably wouldn’t matter because his decision most likely lies in where he is in his own life.

People make choices based on their own timing, values, priorities, and emotional availability. If he’s keeping things casual or avoiding labels, it says a lot more about where he is in his life than it does about your worth. Maybe he’s not looking for anything serious. Maybe he doesn’t know what he wants (Caveat: If he wanted you, you’d know and so would he). Maybe he likes you, but doesn’t want a relationship right now.

Whatever the reason, it’s not your job to fix him or wait for him to fix his head. You can do everything “right”: show up, communicate, look pretty, and still not get this guy. That doesn’t mean you failed. It just means you’re dealing with someone who’s not your guy. Again, the reasons why shouldn’t matter.

Sleeping with him gives him what he wants without asking much from him

When you don’t have a commitment and you’re sleeping with a man, he gets the physical side of you without having to invest emotionally, financially, or be responsible for you or your feelings in any other way. That might anger you, but he’s probably not being manipulative. It’s just how relationships work.

If you’re acting like a girlfriend without being one, he has no reason to change what he has: all the benefits without the accountability. Yes, sex can feel intimate, and with him, it might be. However, in most cases, it still won’t make the relationship more than the sex-based connection it is.

This is especially true if he already knows you want more. Some men will stretch out this gray area for as long as you let them because it’s comfortable for them, and you’re meeting their needs sexually and otherwise. Again, it doesn’t make him a villain. It makes him human.

The thing is, you don’t need to continue supporting this guy in his humanity. Rather, his humanity should signal that it’s time you begin asking yourself what you want and whether this arrangement feels good.

If you’re being honest with yourself, you may find that staying in a relationship where you don’t feel valued is the very reason you’re stuck and what’s preventing you from meeting someone who will call you their girlfriend. And maybe one day their wife.

How Soon Should You Date Someone Fresh Out of a Long-Term Relationship?

You’ve probably met someone who fits this description or seen them post about the recent demise of their long-term relationship and wondered, "Should I date them?" Your first instinct might be to run, writing them off as not ready.  

While that may be true, it doesn’t have to be. It could be worth having a conversation to find out more details about their breakup so you can make an informed decision about whether to engage with them. Here’s what you should listen for when speaking with them.  

How long ago was the breakup? 

When determining whether someone’s “fresh” out of a breakup, one of the questions you should ask is, “How fresh is it actually?”  

If a breakup happened mere days ago, it’s safe to say they are probably not ready, even if the breakup was their idea and they had thought about it for a while. Finality can raise a lot of emotions, good and bad, and either can be distracting to someone dating new people.  

You want to date a person whose head is clear, so they’re in a position to focus on learning about you and, over time, possibly seeing a future with you. If you’re looking for a commitment, someone recently out of a long-term relationship may not want to dole one out so quickly.     

Why did the relationship end? 

It’s important to understand why their long-term relationship ended. Was it incompatibility (a job took one of them far away, for example)? Did they grow apart over time? Or did something happen, such as cheating, to cause the relationship to end?  

Depending on who and what precipitated the breakup, the fallout for the person who didn’t want the relationship to end can be different and require more healing time. If that’s the person you’re dating, are you willing to wait and go through that with them, with no guarantee that they will stay with you once they feel stronger?  

Do they still seem sad about it? 

As mentioned above, if they’re the person who was dumped, it may take them longer to recover. Everyone’s different, so what you should be looking out for is whether they still seem depressed about the breakup or depressed in general, which could be stemming from the breakup.  

If someone is sad that their last relationship ended, they must work through that pain. Often, that requires visiting old memories, rehashing conversations, or even speaking with or meeting up with their ex as they work on distancing themselves from the relationship.  

Is this something you’re going to be comfortable with? Will it make you feel good, wanted, and special? If not, perhaps this person at this time may not be right for you.  

Are they still in contact with their ex? 

Though they may not admit to it, when someone’s in contact with an ex, even as friends, there’s a door open for reconciliation or, at a minimum, slipping into old comforts that could include emotional or physical intimacy. Neither is the mark of an environment hospitable for a new, healthy relationship. If they’re still in contact with their ex, especially if they see them in person and spend time together, that should give you pause and cause you to question whether this is where you need to be.  

Do they talk about their ex a lot? 

Even if someone is practicing no contact to the extreme, i.e., they’re not speaking to or seeing their ex, unless they’re no longer thinking about them either, they’re still in contact with them for all intents and purposes. Again, this is not what you want.  

What you should listen for is them associating everyday activities with their ex or roping them into conversations that have nothing to do with them. For example, if you find them saying this was their ex’s favorite song or ice cream flavor, take what they’re saying for what it is: they are telling you they’re not over their ex.  

Final Thoughts 

Though there are never any guarantees that someone you’re dating will get back with an ex, red flags are red flags and should be heeded. Yes, we all know of someone whose boyfriend or girlfriend had not spoken to their ex in years and never or rarely mentioned them. However, their paths crossed and now they’re together.  

On another note, people can be quite adept at masking their true feelings. There’s nothing you can do about that.  

But staying aware of your surroundings and really listening to the people you date can increase your chances of finding those ready for a relationship and limit your chances of heartbreak. At least heartbreak that results from them returning to an ex they never got over. Think of prospective partners like strawberries: You don’t want to pick one before they’re ready.   

I Just Found My S.O. on the Dating Apps. What Should I Do?

A single friend tips you off. Or you’ve been doing your own snooping incognito on a dating app or in an “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook group. It doesn’t matter. The result is the same: You learn your S.O. is, at a minimum, presenting himself to others as single and available.  

Has he cheated? Depends on who you ask or what you want to believe. Cheating or micro-cheating, you can no longer trust this person. The only question that remains is what you should do next. Here are your options.     

Ask them directly and see what they say 

Sometimes the best answer is the most obvious. In this situation, that is to ask them: “I understand that you are on a dating app. Why?”  

Be prepared that, especially if they are an expert gaslighter, their first instinct will be to turn the tables on you and ask how you knew instead of offering an explanation. Have your answer ready and do your best not to let them derail the conversation.  

Pay attention to their answer and how you want to proceed from there. Caveat: They may get creative: they were looking for their ex, they were curious, one of their buddies dared them. Whatever it is, it shouldn’t matter. If they are in a relationship with you, they shouldn’t be on a dating app. End of story.  

That said, what you want to do about your relationship is a different story. There isn’t only one option, and deciding which option to take may require some research on your part. Of course, you can always end things based on the fact that they are on a dating site. But if you don’t want to, … 

Do a little more digging before you decide 

Yes, get all your facts straight so you can make a decision you’re comfortable with. No, gathering information isn’t about them; it’s about you.  

The purpose of your fact-finding is not to have an inquisition (unless you want to). It’s to know that whatever you decide, you have all your facts at hand and you’re making a decision you can live with, which may include working on your relationship and delving into why they wanted to be on a dating app at all.  

Take a break to think without their input 

There’s a lot to consider, and you don’t need to make a split-second decision about how you want to proceed with your significant other after learning they are on a dating app. Likely, you’re in shock. The better option is to take a break so you can collect yourself and gather any additional evidence you want. 

This period should be free of input from your partner. They should be out of your space, and you should be out of theirs. This means headspace, too. Take a few days away from them, or if you are living under the same roof and are not in a position to leave, make the topic off limits until you’re ready.  

But don’t take too long. You don’t want to live in a pressure cooker or state of limbo, either.  

Set a boundary and watch what happens next 

Once you make a decision about the future of your relationship, set boundaries around it. Whether you stay or go, there needs to be rules.  

For example, if you decide to continue on in the relationship, your partner needs to be off all dating apps and, obviously, not dating. They need to be completely committed to you, not committing acts of micro-cheating that make you uncomfortable. The burden should be on them to make you want to stay.  

Keep in mind though, staying isn’t your excuse to punish them, whether by fighting nonstop about it or leveling the field by going on a dating app as well. If you feel inclined to engage in such unproductive behavior or they do, it’s probably a sign to consider another option: leaving.  

Walk away and don’t look back 

When you are in a relationship and your partner disrespects you, you don’t have to stay. How much you love them or how much time you have in shouldn’t matter, although it’s natural to consider those factors when evaluating your life together. What’s not natural is being with a person who continues to do things that make you feel bad or question your value. Not acceptable.  

The great thing about dating is that it offers possibilities and hope for the future, both of which mean your current partner doesn’t have to be the only person in the world for you. This is especially true if they’ve already been looking around for someone else they could potentially be with. A real partner will only have eyes for you.  

Signs a Man Wants a Mother, Not a Wife

Who a woman chooses as her partner affects every aspect of her life. Studies have repeatedly shown that women bear the brunt of the invisible labor performed in male-female households. Why? Because the partners they’ve chosen haven’t risen to the occasion. Not because they can’t, however. But because they prefer not to.  

They like it the way it is, which is to let their female counterpart take care of them and everything else. This woman works outside the home, just like her husband or partner does, only to return at the end of the day to the burden of all the cooking, cleaning, child care, planning, budgeting, grocery shopping, errands, and more. Even if she is a stay-at-home parent while he works outside the home, once he walks in the door, his day is over, while hers continues until bedtime, when she will be on duty should any of the children wake up. 

How did this woman end up with such a man? Probably because she didn’t see the signs, or if she did, it didn’t register what they would look like as time went on. Such behavior isn’t reserved for new partners or spouses, either. If a man has lived this existence with a previous partner, spouse, or spouses, chances are, he’s still looking for a mother, not a wife. Here’s how to tell.       

He expects you to manage his life and make all decisions.  

He has made you (and you have unwittingly agreed) his alarm clock, calendar, and personal assistant. You not only remind him of his dentist appointments but also schedule them.  

He leaves his clothes on the floor for you to pick up, or if he’s well-behaved, he’ll leave them in the hamper for you, expecting you to wash them. And you do. You make dinner reservations and plan trips. You run his errands. You do anything and everything so he doesn’t have to.  

Not only that, you are the lead decision-maker in your household because (a) he’s incapable of making a decision, or (b) doesn’t want to, so if the decision turns out to be a bad one, he won’t be to blame. You’re in charge. At least, he’s led you to think you are.  

He doesn’t contribute unless you ask him to.  

It’s not like this 100% of the time. No, not at all, because if you ask him to do something, he’ll pitch in or do what you’ve asked. But he won’t be happy about it, which he’ll surely let you know.  

You see, when you ask, you’re nagging. This isn’t his responsibility, his job. Yes, he’s doing you a favor.  

Yes, you should be grateful. Yes, you’re resentful he didn’t do it on his own, that you had to ask, and now he’s giving you an attitude about it. So what do you do? You stop asking because it’s not worth the trouble.  

He expects praise for basic tasks (or nothing at all). 

He’s done some task, something not even that great, like taking out the trash or picking up an item at the grocery store you need for a dinner you’re making for him. But he now expects your praise. A simple thank you will not suffice: “Are you happy? Will this shut you up?”  

“Thank you,” you mutter under your breath, promising yourself you won’t ask for anything because this is too much, this repulsive behavior from him that you must deal with regularly. Is he your partner or a petulant child, not even your own?     

He avoids emotional responsibility.  

He’s in a bad mood now. You put him in it by asking him to help, or because something at work is distressing him, which you weren’t sensitive to, and now you’ve made it worse. He lashes out. Yells at you, looks at you with disdain.  

Later, he apologizes for his outburst. His bad mood. Taking it out on you. You say you forgive him, but deep down, you don’t. How could you when these episodes are a part of your regular dynamic? He disgusts you and wonders why you’re not affectionate toward him and why you don’t tell him how good-looking he is.  

Easy. Because he isn’t to you.  

He skirts boundaries and doesn’t want to take accountability.  

He walks a fine line, this guy. He thinks he’s invincible and untouchable because he’s managed to pick and choose people to surround himself with who don’t know the real him but who find him helpful, charismatic, amusing, and kind-hearted and tell him so, feeding his ego. This is not the person you’ve come to experience in private.  

But how he acts in private is because of you, not him. You’ve made him behave this way toward you due to your poor attitude, physical and mental exhaustion, and inability to laugh at his jokes, which are often subtle digs at you.  

You have no sense of humor. You’re overbearing, and those instances of micro-cheating you’ve pointed out? It and you are a joke, like other women, since micro-cheating is a construct devised by women.  

He’s more comfortable being cared about than caring for others.   

What do all of these signs point to? That he’s more comfortable being cared about than caring for others, especially you, though no one who’s not in his inner circle will see this, and maybe not even them. Given the picture he’s taken great lengths to paint, they will see the opposite. Point this out to him, that he treats you differently from everyone else, his only concern will be that you will eventually tell someone, and that they will believe you.  

So he goes full throttle on what he’s been doing all along, more so if you finally walk away, which is laying the groundwork behind your back that you are different from how you appear, and once again, he’s a victim. Good thing his real mommy will jump in to comfort him, reassuring him what a good boy, ahem man, he is, giving him the confidence he needs to do this all over again with some other unsuspecting woman.  

Know the signs, and let that not be (or continue to be) you.