Have you ever been in a committed relationship when your partner did something “small” that kind of rubbed you the wrong way? And by rubbed you the wrong way, what they did sort of felt like cheating, but your partner didn’t actually cheat according to what most people consider cheating to be, which is having sex with someone else? If you’ve answered yes, your partner was probably guilty of micro-cheating.
In isolation, acts of micro-cheating don’t seem so bad, which, first, makes them hard to pinpoint, and second, even harder to address. That’s because when you confront your partner with examples of their behavior, you can come off looking petty, jealous, insecure, and accusatory, none of which are qualities that make you look good. And you haven’t done anything wrong!
How then do you know if your partner is engaging in acts of micro-cheating and, next, how can you deal with it in your relationship in a healthy manner? As a matchmaker and relationship coach who’s helped thousands of couples find love and build strong relationships, I have a few suggestions. But before I get started with solutions, it’s important to understand what micro-cheating is.
What is micro-cheating in a relationship?
Micro-cheating is when a person in a committed relationship engages in some sort of flirtatious behavior with someone other than their partner, not including sex. It’s often a gray area as the acts, by themselves, don’t always raise an immediate red flag. When they do, the partner who’s committed the acts can often explain their actions away, effectively gaslighting their partner, at least at first.
If you’re unfamiliar with the term, gaslighting refers to the act of making someone feel as if what they’re saying doesn’t make sense, they’re crazy for saying it, or they don’t know what they’re talking about. In other words, when confronted, that person does everything in their power to deflect attention on any wrongdoing from them onto you. Micro-cheaters are experts at gaslighting because the transgressions usually appear insignificant at first glance.
Common examples of micro-cheating include the following:
● Flirting with someone outside the relationship. The flirting could be with numerous people or one person repeatedly. This type of behavior can occur at work or in any other social situation, or even during a chance meeting, including while running errands.
● Engaging in a flirtatious manner over social media. This behavior could describe using social media to get someone else’s attention or acknowledge any attention they’re giving.
Behaviors may include “liking” and commenting on social media posts, engaging in conversations over DM (direct message), or seeking out someone of interest on social media to connect with them.
● Communicating with an ex. For many couples, talking to an ex is a big no-no. If the couple has an understanding that such behavior is unwelcome in their relationship, and one partner is engaging with an ex regardless, the interaction could be classified as micro-cheating.
● Seeking emotional support from an object of affection outside the relationship. If one partner turns to someone outside the relationship, specifically someone they’re attracted to, for emotional support, guidance on important decisions, and to discuss relationship issues they’re having, it pretty much points to micro-cheating.
● Reciprocating or escalating attention or advances from someone outside the relationship. In other words, this behavior describes when one partner welcomes attention from a person outside the relationship instead of ignoring the behavior or clearly communicating a lack of interest.
As you can tell, there are nuances among these descriptions, and, naturally, intent counts for a lot. People can just be oblivious to how a certain behavior may make their partner feel.
For some couples, these behaviors may not present an issue. For others, they may become the source of contention in the relationship if not addressed.
Signs of micro-cheating
The thing about micro-cheating is that if you look hard enough for it, you’ll find it. That said, there are signs of the behavior that can justifiably raise suspicion.
● Your partner is overly protective of their phone or computer.
● They talk about a specific person in a way that makes you uncomfortable. Perhaps your partner comments on that person’s looks, they bring them up a lot in conversation or compare you to them.
● Your partner appears distant or distracted, as if they’re thinking or daydreaming about someone else.
● When you raise the issue or question them about something they said or did, they act defensive, become angry, gaslight you, or refuse to talk about it.
● During times of stress, when your partner would usually turn to you, they’re hush, hush, possibly because they’re getting support from somewhere else.
What should you do if you suspect your partner of micro-cheating?
If you suspect your partner is guilty of micro-cheating, it’s important you face the situation head-on before it becomes out of hand and does irreparable damage to your relationship. Addressing the situation may be as simple as having a conversation, or it may require you to enlist support. Here’s how to start.
● Talk to your partner. As with any issue in your relationship, you need to come clean if something’s bothering you. If you’re upset by a specific behavior from your partner, ask them about it. They truly may not be aware that what they’re doing bothers you or is wrong in any way. Explain why it does.
● Give your partner the opportunity to “fix” things between you. If your partner is sorry about the behavior and wants to make things “right” between you, and that’s what you want, then allow them to do so. Although the incidence(s) of micro-cheating they participated in were hurtful to you and may have caused you to become distrustful, your relationship may not be beyond repair.
Keep in mind, however, that you need to be open to your partner’s efforts. The decision is yours, and your partner may, in fact, need to rely on your guidance as to how to regain your trust.
● Set boundaries in your relationship. As you and your partner attempt to move past the micro-cheating, it’s helpful to set boundaries in your relationship. That means you should communicate to your partner what behavior is acceptable to you and what isn’t. It also means you need to abide by the boundaries you both set, too. There shouldn’t be any “do as I say, not as I do” situations.
● Have a mutual understanding of what monogamy and micro-cheating mean. Come up with definitions you both can agree on for monogamy and cheating (any kind) so there’s no confusion in the future about what you expect from your partner and what your partner can expect from you.
● Ask a professional for help. Overcoming cheating, even micro-cheating, can be an uphill climb for many couples. It’s why people often turn to a marriage counselor or therapist for assistance. Whether you attend sessions together, independently, or commit to some combination thereof, a third party may be able to better articulate what you can’t and help create a plan for you both to move forward — together or alone.
Whichever way you decide to confront micro-cheating, understand you can only control your own behavior. If your partner isn’t treating you how you want to be treated, they’ve done you a favor by freeing you up to find someone who will.
