When Your Ex Moves On With Someone Else, and Why It Bothers You

Breakups are hard, but eventually, you survive them and move on. You grieve, work on yourself, learn lessons, and get out there again in the hopes of finding something — someone — special to enhance your life. Not a replacement for the person who’s gone but someone to fill the space they left behind them. 

You understand these goals. They’re self-serving, and this is acceptable. They fall under the guise of self-care, that catch-all phrase ubiquitous in every relationship conversation you’ve had or article you’ve read since your split, maybe before as you contemplated it. The focus is internal, where it should be, and where those who advise healing inform you it must be.  

But often, there’s a secret side of your breakup journey, one that revolves around the “them,” the person who left, instead of the you, the healing you. And, unfortunately, the them focus, the outward focus, is one that can chip away at your heart when you realize that not only is your relationship done, over for anywhere from a day to decades, but your once-person has moved on, too, doing all the self-care stuff you have done and are doing too — leading them to someone new. 

It doesn’t always matter if you’re in another relationship as they are, although that can make their moving on somewhat more palatable. In spite of it, their being with someone else still irks you, no matter how full your life is. You recognize what you’re doing, how you’re hurting yourself and perhaps your current relationship, and know you should stop but can’t — or don’t one hundred percent want to. The question is why. 

You aren’t happy in your existing relationship.  

That you’re not happy in your current relationship is the most obvious explanation for why you’re focusing on an ex and what an ex is up to. People who are happy and generally satisfied with their existing relationship don’t become fixated elsewhere.

Yes, people get curious from time to time, leading them to check out a past love on social media to see what they’re up to. But this interest is often fleeting, returning them to the present day without much more than a second thought.  

You are experiencing idle curiosity or boredom. 

Curiosity and episodes of boredom are not usually cause for concern or a threat to an existing relationship. However, when thoughts of an ex begin to pervade your mind more frequently, it’s a sign to consider what your ex represents in your life today. Are they masking some other past trauma or issue you need to face but have been avoiding?

You’ve fallen prey to comparing yourself to others.  

Never before has it been easier to compare yourself to others. With a few internet searches, you can create a fiction around your partner's life, a life you truly know nothing about.  

As you can probably attest, pictures of your relationship with your ex don’t tell a complete story. They’re merely one-dimensional snapshots in time. That said, seeing pictures of your ex with someone else can hurt, which may be the payoff you’re looking for. Related to this … 

You’re addicted to relationship pain.  

Past trauma and conditioning can be to blame for actively seeking out relationship pain. Do you only feel comfortable or alive when you’re feeling rejected, unwanted, or unloved? What in your past has caused you to feel this way? 

As you answer these questions, consider your attachment style in relationships. Particularly if you exhibit signs of anxious attachment, you may be hyper-focused on an ex and what they’re up to because you are addicted to the pain it causes you. If this is the case, consider seeking a mental health professional for guidance who can also offer tips on behavioral modification to break the cycle.  

You never felt closure in your last relationship. 

If your partner broke up with you unexpectedly or ghosted you, you may feel like you have unfinished business. This can cause you to become fixated on the what-ifs, even if you’re not reaching out for answers. Creating answers to the what-ifs for yourself, especially if the answers are hurtful to you (e.g., I wasn’t smart enough, attractive enough, interesting enough), can be harmful to your current environment and self-esteem.  

The good news is you don’t need your ex to change the narrative. You can do it yourself by giving yourself the closure they never did: It wasn’t meant to be, not because of you but because of your ex.  

You have lingering regret over the relationship.  

Few people walk around with no regrets about something they said or did in their lives or didn’t say or do.  

This may be your story. However, reaching out to an ex, especially if they have moved on with someone else, can expose you to more pain. Your ex may not be happy to hear from you or may ignore you altogether.  Their response will depend on their situation, thoughts about your relationship, your breakup, and whether enough time has passed for them to want or feel comfortable talking to you.

So, before making such a bold move, consider how the worst-case scenario will make you feel. Then, decide whether the past should remain in the past and your head rerouted to the here and now with the opportunity to make lasting memories with someone new.  

How to Cope With an Unexpected Breakup

You’re dating someone you like. You enjoy their company, have lots in common, love them (or think you can love them), and see a future together. Then, boom! Seemingly out of nowhere, they pull the plug on the relationship. On you.  

You put the phone down or stare at them dumbfounded, not knowing what to do. But there are a few things you can do — and also should not do — if you find yourself in this situation after three weeks, three months, or three years of dating. 

Don’t overreact. 

It’s natural to feel like you’ve been punched in the stomach, angry, or upset. All of these feelings may make you want to react in a way you will regret after, so the best response is to remain composed, even if you feel like you’re about to explode. Instead, remove yourself from the situation by walking away (into another room if you live together) or by ending the conversation cordially and hanging up the phone.  

Depending on the length of the relationship, you may want to simply wish them well. If the relationship necessitates follow-up discussions, such as moving out of a shared residence or exchanging personal items, suggest that you table any discussions about details for a later date. Then, take your own advice and don’t engage further until then, until you’ve had time to collect yourself.   

Take time to process the breakup. 

The initial time after an unexpected breakup is important for you to compose yourself enough that you will be able to deal with your ex civilly and with a clear head. You may need to make decisions, and you want to make ones that are well thought out. If the relationship was relatively short, and there would be no reason to interact with them again, cut ties altogether.  

Go ‘no contact’ as soon as possible.  

As soon as you can, go ‘no contact,’ meaning end all interactions with your ex. Do this for a minimum of 30 days to start.  

Your ex has broken up with you, which means they now need to live without you. And you need to learn how to live without them so you can move on, more importantly.  

If your ex finds they cannot stay away from you, they need to come back in a meaningful way, explaining why they broke up with you and why it will never happen again due to changes they have made in their life. Most times, this isn’t how their contacting you happens.  

You may find that once you go no contact, your ex will continue to contact you for any and every reason under the sun — to say hi, to tell you they heard your favorite song, that they ran into your old friend from kindergarten, or to wish you the dreaded happy birthday.  

But unless they come back in the way described earlier, in a way that shows they’re regretful and have changed, their reasons for returning usually rest on their needing you to help them get over their own feelings of loneliness or heartbreak. Yes, your ex may feel heartbreak, especially if they like or love you, but know as a couple that you aren’t meant to be together. Even so, it’s not your job to help them get over you. Remember, they dumped you. 

That said, the attempts at contact will be hard to resist, especially if they are good at stringing you along with the hope of reconciliation they dangle in your face like a carrot, and you may succumb more than once to their attempts at getting you to talk to them. But when you do, you will typically find your ex does not mean business, that they’re just making sure you’re still there should they need you. This makes you a crutch. It also makes it hard, if not impossible, for you to move forward.  

But don’t beat yourself up for falling for their antics. Instead, reset that 30-day clock, starting no contact all over again, hopefully getting further along the next time. Once you get to 30 days, that doesn’t mean you stop no contact and talk to your ex. It just means you’ve reached a milestone in your healing, so congratulate yourself and keep going on without them in your life. 

One day, out of nowhere, whether weeks, months or even years later, your ex may stop contacting you. They will have moved on, perhaps with someone else. If you continue to let them into your life, though, when finally this day comes, you will not have moved on, at least in your head, and the news will be hard for you to deal with. Pro tip: Don’t do this to yourself. If you do, you could be mourning your breakup years after it happened.     

The best course of action is to take no contact seriously. Don’t pick up the phone. Don’t answer your ex’s texts. Don’t say thank you when they wish you a happy birthday. Don’t react to messages from them they pass on to you through a friend and don’t stay connected with them on social media. Most of all, don’t make excuses. Contact is contact.  

Live your best life.  

Immediately following the breakup, find yourself some support. This can come from numerous sources, including mental health professionals, friends, family, clergy, and pets.  

Next, engage in self-care. Take time to mourn the breakup, but not too long. You can grieve but do so while you’re still engaging with the world, even if it’s by taking small steps into the world. The point is to live the life you envision for yourself by doing what you want to do and what feel comfortable with. This could mean any number of things: going out with old friends, diving into work or school, and taking a vacation. It can also mean engaging in something new, such as diving into a hobby you’ve had your eye on, making positive lifestyle changes, and, when you’re ready, dating again.  

Though you probably won’t feel like meeting someone else right away, after processing the breakup thoroughly and feeling confident that you’re over the relationship, you will one day wake up open to finding companionship, friendship, and love elsewhere. Except that now you’ll be armed with all the lessons you’ve learned from your past relationship, making you stronger, more confident, and even more appealing than you were before.  

Committed to Comfort: Why People Stay in Safe But Lackluster Relationships

Making a safe relationship choice often implies staying with a familiar and predictable partner, even when there is an opportunity to find happiness with someone new. Despite wondering who else is out there, people often choose to stay with a partner because they share similar values, backgrounds, or lifestyles and worry they might not find such a combination again.  

Given how comfortable the relationship feels and the minimal effort it requires to maintain, these individuals end up talking themselves into staying put even though they’re not happy. The problem is they’re not unhappy either.   

That said, the reasons for staying in a lackluster relationship usually run deeper than simply not wanting to expend the effort required to find a new one. In other words, laziness is a lazy answer. Below are some other explanations for why some people don’t try to find a partner who is compatible but also makes their heart skip a beat. 

Social Pressure  

Societal norms and expectations can shape relationship choices. People can feel pressure to conform to traditional partnership ideals, such as marrying someone of a similar socioeconomic status or cultural background, even if it means sacrificing relationship quality.  

Someone gay or bisexual, for example, may choose to stay with someone of the opposite sex because they are worried about what their family, friends, or community would say if they learned the truth about them. The result can mean living a lie. 

Cultural and Religious Beliefs  

Cultural and religious influences are cousins of social pressure; both can likewise shape perceptions of what constitutes an “acceptable” relationship. Many cultures and religions emphasize the importance of maintaining tradition. So, in the interest of keeping the peace among their relatives and communities, some individuals make safe choices. 

Long-Term Goals  

Individuals who prioritize long-term goals such as career advancement or financial stability may choose safe relationships that speak to these objectives. They may view a stable partnership as a means to an end and, therefore, prioritize compatibility and reliability over chemistry, maybe even love. 

Fear 

No one likes to go through a breakup, let alone a series of them. As a result, people may choose to stay in a safe relationship to avoid experiencing more pain and disappointment. Stability and security reign over passion and love because of the potential for heartbreak while in search of it. 

Aversion to Risk 

Many people are naturally risk-averse; they tend to avoid uncertainty at all costs and prefer to minimize the potential for risk in all areas of their lives, including relationships. These individuals gravitate toward safer, less volatile partnerships to compensate. 

Past Trauma  

Previous experiences with infidelity, abuse, abandonment, and any other instance of trauma can affect one’s willingness to take risks in relationships. It can be challenging to open up and be vulnerable again after being hurt deeply. As a result, safer, more guarded connections become a means of self-protection and, thus, the status quo. 

Low Self-Esteem  

People with low self-esteem may settle for safe relationships because they believe they don’t deserve better or fear being alone. Low self-esteem can come from many origins: feeling unattractive, feeling socially awkward, and past experiences, including trauma. Lacking confidence in their ability to not only attract someone new but also to successfully maintain a more fulfilling partnership, they settle for the relationship they perceive as safe and stable, though not altogether gratifying. 

The Passage of Time 

It’s not logical, but it happens anyway: People believe that because of the time they’ve already invested in their relationship, they should try harder than they might otherwise to make what’s not working work. This is throwing good money after bad, and since time is money, staying in a relationship that is just meh can mean wasting precious months, years, or perhaps decades.  

Confusion About Comfort vs. Settling  

Healthy relationships, where people love, are in love with, and like their partners, are the pot at the end of a rainbow. It’s this type of relationship that most singles seeking commitment claim they want. However, it can be elusive, meaning it can take years and many failed attempts to find. So, although people may covet this holistic type of love, they don’t always act on their desire to get it.  

But that’s the purpose of dating — to experiment, to figure out what the optimal relationship looks like, which should also be based on personal preferences. What’s perhaps most unfortunate is that a person in a lackluster relationship who wants out but sticks around anyway because of any of the reasons above might be missing out on true happiness. The same can be true of their current partner, who also ends up suffering because they don’t have someone who’s fully invested. 

Shelby, played by Julia Roberts in the 1990 film “Steel Magnolias,” best encapsulated the penalty of settling when she said, “I would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.”  

What about you? 

Do You Want a Companion or a Lover? Why Your Answer Matters

So often, we talk about compatibility when looking for a mate. Compatibility can have many meanings — shared values, a shared lifestyle, and a thirst to play as much pickleball as possible, to name just a few.  

But what about how much sex we want or are comfortable having? Often overlooked, differences in sexual desire can play into compatibility as much as a desire to travel the world in retirement can. So what’s a guy or gal to do after 50, when sexual dysfunction for both men and women changes the sexual landscape from what it once was? Read on. 

Ask yourself what you want in a romantic relationship.  

For some, sex isn’t a priority. For others, having a steamy sex life is non-negotiable. Then there are those looking for sexual frequency more along what could be described as average.  

In a survey conducted by the AARP, 30% of respondents over 40 (three-quarters of them were actually over 50) reported they had sex weekly, while 27% said they had sex once a month. Forty percent said they hadn’t had sex in the past six months. What frequency of sex would keep you happy?  

Talk to your partner or prospective partner. 

Don’t discount the importance of sexual satisfaction. You don’t have to settle, though it seems many middle-aged people are: Less than half of the respondents in the AARP survey reported that they were satisfied with their sex lives. Though it is unclear how the survey respondents got to where they are, which is feeling unsatisfied, it does underscore the importance of engaging in open communication about sex.  

Conversations about sex shouldn’t start once there’s an issue. Instead, conversations about sexual preferences should begin early in a relationship when sex shows up on the menu. Many people will, in one way or another, begin expressing their sexual preferences as early as in their dating profiles. It’s not always an overt reference to sex either, but if you read between the lines, you can often tell where a person’s sexual interests lie.  

That said, if you don’t know where the person you’re dating puts sex on their list of needs and wants, raise the topic. Talking about sex can ensure you and your partner have the same goals for bedroom activities, as well as enabling you to give each other the sexual experience you are looking for.  

Stop judging yourself. 

It can be difficult, especially if you are around friends whose sexual experiences and desires differ from yours, not to judge yourself for your preferences. But do your best not to. 

Sex, the quality and frequency of it, not only can vary throughout your lifetime, but both can also vary based on the partner you’re having sex with. That includes your chemistry together, along with your partner’s libido, ability, and eagerness to please you.   

See a medical professional. 

Everyone’s bodies change with age. From menopause to the medications you’re on and many factors in between, your sex life can suffer. The question is, do you need to suffer in silence? 

The answer is no. Sometimes, you can be just a doctor’s visit away from solving your bedroom issues. You could have an undiagnosed medical issue, for example, or be someone who can benefit from the aid of medications such as estrogen for women or a sexual enhancement drug, such as Viagra or Cialis, for men. 

Don’t forget about what’s going on upstairs. In your head, that is. The mind is inextricably linked to the body, so if you’re dealing with any issues, such as past trauma or the loss of a spouse, it can affect your sexual behavior in a marked way. The idea is to become the lead investigator in your own sexual mystery so you can lead the life you envision. In other words, do it for you. 

Live in the present.  

One positive about the past is that it is behind you, meaning you can reinvent yourself at any time, at any phase of life. If your sex life was meh when you were younger, there’s no rule that says it has to be meh now.

If you never experimented sexually, now could be your time to explore your fantasies. If you want to take sex slower than you have ever before, you have that freedom. Or the freedom not to have sex at all.   

The point is that it’s your body and your life, and you can do with it as you please. That includes finding someone who loves you for all that you are — body and mind. The only catch is that you have to be honest with your partner. And yourself.    

11 Health Benefits of Love and How You Can Reap Them

When you date, the idea is to do everything possible to improve the odds. This begins by presenting yourself in the best possible light, the same way you would if you were looking for a new job.  

That being said, as much as you can refine the process of finding love by writing an attention-grabbing online dating profile, dating with intention, and listening to a seasoned pro, such as a matchmaker, you still can’t control the result. You can do everything “correctly,” and a particular relationship may still not work out because of circumstances out of your control.  

This is life. People have emotional baggage, kids to worry about, exes lurking in the shadows, money woes, and health challenges, sometimes serious ones like I did when I was a wee 19-year-old and diagnosed with cancer.  

But fighting cancer didn’t keep me down. Instead, it made me realize that all of us can only control so much in our lives.  

Love is the same way. We can only prepare and orchestrate so much, which means the best approach to finding love is not to try and control the process but, instead, lean into it. How? By taking those misses in stride, learning from them, pivoting, moving forward, and, most of all, believing you can and will find somebody to love and to love you. 

I believed I could beat cancer and find love, and I did just that.  

I am still with my husband, Mike. We have been married for more than two decades now and share three amazing kids: two daughters who are in their twenties and a teenage son. We are also proud parents to our dog, Luna. Importantly, I have remained cancer-free all of this time.  

It’s not a coincidence; love is intrinsically tied to our health. Don’t believe me? I’ll let the research speak for itself. Below are 11 benefits of love.    

1. Enhanced heart health: Research indicates that loving relationships can have a positive impact on cardiovascular health by lowering blood pressure, consequently reducing the risk of heart disease. 

2. Lower risk of substance abuse: Evidence suggests that marriage may contribute to a decrease in excessive drinking and substance abuse. 

3. Improved mental health: Engaging in a loving relationship can reduce the risk of developing depression and anxiety by offering emotional stability and support during challenging periods. 

4. Stronger immunity: Individuals in loving relationships often experience better immune function. 

5. Faster healing: Stronger immunity leads to quicker recovery from illness or injury. 

6. Fewer doctor visits and shorter hospital stays: Married individuals tend to visit the doctor less frequently and have shorter hospital stays. 

7. Pain reduction: Love and physical touch, typical of healthy relationships, release endorphins, our natural painkillers, providing comfort and alleviating physical and emotional pain. 

8. Healthier lifestyle choices: Partners can influence each other’s habits positively. In a loving relationship, there is a greater likelihood of making healthier lifestyle choices, including engaging in regular, low-impact exercise, eating a well-balanced diet, and avoiding risky behaviors. 

9. Longer life: Research suggests that individuals in happy and loving relationships, supported emotionally and outwardly by their partners, tend to live longer. 

10. Happiness: Love derived from a healthy relationship fosters happiness. Positive experiences often lead to a desire for more, creating a sense of purpose and excitement as individuals envision their future with a loving partner, releasing hormones that contribute to overall good health in the process. 

11. Reduced stress: Numerous studies show that love and emotional support have the potential to diminish stress levels. Positive relationships act as a protective barrier against the adverse effects of stress, resulting in decreased cortisol levels and an overall enhancement of well-being. 

The Power of a Healthy Attitude 

Though the health benefits of love are clear, the precursor to finding love remains a healthy mindset. It was the moment, even in the face of a grim cancer diagnosis, when I believed I could and would find love that my circumstances changed. I could’ve been cynical, and my outcome could’ve been very different.  

Hey, we all have it in us. Some more than others. None of us, in fact, are immune to being cynical at one time or another. The important thing is we realize, sooner than later, that we’re behaving this way, then check ourselves and ask why. 

Once you stop for a moment to think, you’ll likely find there’s a good reason for your cynical behavior and that it has little to do with what you’re being cynical about. Instead, being a cynic is usually more about the bigger picture, which is your attitude. In other words, if you’re being overly cynical, your attitude is probably less than optimal.  

Having a bad attitude when you’re dating will pretty much ensure that you’ll never find someone you don’t find fault with, let alone like. So I ask you: How’s your attitude? 

• Do you find dating a chore, from having to look through endless dating profiles to getting dressed to meet someone new?  

• Are you often lamenting that there’s no one out there worth meeting and everyone you meet is cheap, boring, self-centered, or, you guessed it, a cynic. 

If this sounds like you, your attitude can probably use some work. That’s not to say people aren’t worthy of being passed by or aren’t cheap, boring, self-centered, or cynical themselves. There are those who most definitely are. But if you go into dating thinking negatively, those are precisely the people you’ll attract.  

That’s because negative people attract other negative people. And even if these people aren’t overtly cynics (sometimes it takes a little while to come out), your negativity can certainly contribute to bringing out the worst in others, creating a self-fulling prophecy — everyone you date will actually be a cynic. 

The sad fact is that when you have a bad attitude, chances are you’re the one who’s behaving like a cynic. Cynics tend not to be very happy people. They also tend to wind up alone. And when they do find a relationship, those relationships tend to be unfulfilling.  

How to Date Intentionally and Find Success 

To be a successful dater requires going in with a positive attitude. By positive attitude, I mean the following: 

• Living in the moment, 

• looking for the best in others, 

• keeping an open mind, 

• behaving respectfully, and 

• seeing every dating experience as an opportunity to learn, whether new information about someone else or, more importantly, about yourself. 

Not every dating encounter will lead to the relationship you want. But to date successfully, you do need to exercise your dating muscles — your ability to be conversational, engaging, courteous, and, yes, positive, even when the encounter doesn’t go as you hoped, planned, or well. It takes practice.  

Final thoughts … 

With this in mind, take a few moments to reflect on what you’re bringing to the proverbial table when you go out on a date. Or, if you’re not even getting that far, to the table, that is, what you’re bringing to your online dating profiles, texts, emails, and phone conversations. Much of it stems from attitude. 

As the saying goes, you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. The same goes for eligible single men and women. You know, the ones looking for someone who’s nice, kind, intelligent, and funny. Like you. The real you. 

An earlier version of this article appeared in the Nob Hill Gazette on February, 14, 2024. 

Why You Should Go Ahead and Cancel That First Date (or Shouldn’t)

Setting up a first date is an accomplishment. This is especially true if you are new to dating or returning after a hiatus.

In any scenario, it takes guts to set up a date. It demonstrates confidence and a willingness to put yourself out there and get to know someone new better.

But sometimes, you may have second thoughts, which is OK. It can be good to have second thoughts because that could mean your intuition is trying to tell you something. I say “could” because it could also be a fear of dating getting the best of you.

If you’re not sure which, ask yourself the following questions. Then, decide from there whether you should go ahead and cancel that first date or give it the old college try.

1. Is there a bona fide emergency necessitating I cancel?

There are instances where canceling a first date becomes unavoidable, often due to unforeseen emergencies. Health issues, such as feeling sick or having a contagious illness, warrant consideration for both your well-being and that of your date. The same holds for family emergencies, which can demand immediate attention and time.

Whether it’s an unexpected work commitment, a personal crisis, or last-minute logistical challenges like a flat tire, emergencies may arise unexpectedly, requiring a swift decision to reschedule the date. In such situations, communicating honestly (as much as possible without compromising someone else’s privacy) is appropriate.

Most individuals will appreciate you being upfront with them and will be understanding. If they aren’t, consider yourself lucky you learned this about them early on. By communicating with them in this way, you pave the way for potential future connections, including, hopefully, their agreeing to schedule another time to meet.

2. Is there a logistical issue I just can’t get around?

If you have kids, think “babysitter.” It’s every single parent’s nightmare to be ready to walk out the door only to get a call from the babysitter canceling. Even if the babysitter cancels a few hours (or days) before, securing a replacement can be challenging.

Here’s another one: Ex has a work trip and can’t take the kids for the weekend, and it’s “Bye-bye date.”

And another: Partner dumps a work project on you Friday at four.

These are examples of logistical issues.

But if you can get around the logistical issue, do it. It’s what’s considerate since the person you’re meeting may very well have had to hire their own babysitter or scramble all day in preparation to meet you.

Canceling at the last minute unless you absolutely have to is not cool. It can cost the other person precious time and money. Plus, it’s rude if you can actually avoid it.

3. Do I feel uncomfortable or in danger?

Cancel. Period. End of story. Your gut is your friend.

But if you don’t feel like you’re jeopardizing your safety by doing so, let them know you are not showing up. Ghosting is cruel.

Not to mention, if the person you are canceling on is a little weird (again, not threatening to your knowledge), do you really want to aggravate them by being a no-show?

4. Am I canceling because I am not attracted to this person?

This is a tricky one, and you might be inclined to call you making a date and wanting to cancel a case of buyer’s remorse. But unless the person is an ogre, it might be a good idea to go anyway — with an open mind. 

Attraction is subjective. It can also change over time. Think about the person you know who you’d call objectively good-looking but is kind of an assh*le. Yeah, we all know that person. But did you ever think about how the more you got to know them, the less you found them attractive?

Well, the opposite can also happen. You may learn that the not-so-great-looking person has the funniest sense of humor and dry wit you’ve ever heard. They may be wickedly smart, kind, and generous and have achieved great success despite the formidable obstacles they have faced. They may, in other words, be the best surprise you’ve had in a while.

5. Has there been a miscommunication?

It happens; people get their signals crossed. They thought you said this Tuesday when you meant the next one. If there is some kind of miscommunication, do your best to be understanding and, if you can, be accommodating. If you can’t, reschedule and have a do-over. This may just become the story the two of you will laugh about one day as you celebrate your anniversary.

Is an Open Relationship Right for Me?

Romantic relationships can be defined in various ways. Though in no way new, one relationship category garnering attention these days is the concept of the open relationship, where couples agree they can have sexual relations outside their relationship. 

And not just garnering attention but genuine consideration: A 2021 survey conducted by YouGov with over 23,000 Americans revealed that approximately 25% of respondents expressed interest in exploring an open relationship.  

The men, however, were a little more enthusiastic about it, with 32% of them expressing interest compared to 19% of the women. Of the group surveyed, 30% of the husbands indicated they would be interested, while only 21% of the wives felt the same.  

As with any relationship, including open relationships, no two are ever the same. However, they do have specific characteristics that define them, at least one of which might be the deciding factor for whether you are up for having one. Read on to learn more.  

What is the difference between an open relationship and a polyamorous relationship? 

As discussed above, an open relationship describes a relationship in which one or both members have their partner’s consent to get involved sexually with another individual besides their primary partner. In what capacity, who that new person is (gender, marital status, etc.), and whether the “active” partner must disclose involvement with a third party (or any number party) to their partner can vary according to the “rules” of that specific relationship set by the couple.  

Open relationships and polyamorous relationships bear some similarities in that there is more than one partner involved in them. But the key difference between the two types of relationships is that in an open relationship, one couple remains central and primary emotionally, while in a polyamorous relationship, there can be romantic, emotional involvement with more than one person at a time. Moreover, no particular involvement has to take precedence over the other unless the couple agrees to do so.   

What are the benefits of an open relationship? 

Those involved in an open relationship or want to be involved in one may find it appealing for the following reasons: 

Excitement. An open relationship is one way to break up the routine and sometimes monotony that relationships can suffer over time. 

Experimentation. Many people like being in an open relationship because of the freedom it offers for sexual experimentation and exploration. This can lead to … 

Self-discovery. Having the chance to experiment and explore with a partner other than their own sexually can be an exercise in self-discovery, where people become more familiar with their likes and dislikes.  

Socializing. Although a little different from joining a book club, engaging with another sexual partner can be one way to expand a person’s social circle. 

Trust. An open relationship can be a way to test partners’ trust in one another. For those who already have challenges trusting in relationships, engaging in an open relationship probably won’t be a comfortable option.  

What are the drawbacks of an open relationship?  

Nothing is without its drawbacks, including an open relationship. Some possible sticking points are: 

Jealousy. Opening a relationship to the possibility of a partner meeting, sleeping with, and, yes, falling in love is the stuff that jealousy is made from.  

Time. Romantic relationships take time to develop and then to maintain. Do you know what takes more time than maintaining a romantic relationship? Maintaining more than one. There are only so many hours in the day, so the existing relationship could suffer with the introduction of a new one.  

Work. Every relationship requires effort from both partners to succeed. But, there’s some evidence to indicate, specifically low success rates, that an open relationship won’t: 92% of open marriages fail. This is probably due to the inherent challenges tied up with open relationships, including the extra level of work to keep them going.  

Cost. Relationships also cost money, even if, for the additional one, most of the time will be spent between the sheets. Gas isn’t cheap these days. Neither is food. Not to mention having to actually go in search of a sexual partner, such as through a dating app. Everything costs money.  

STIs. Nonmonogamy comes with its risks, including the transmission of STIs. Safe sex isn’t foolproof, which can make even the most careful individuals and their partners vulnerable.  

Pregnancy. If a partner is able to bear children, a sexual relationship always comes with the risk of pregnancy. A baby with a new partner is likely to complicate matters for the primary relationship.    

Motives. It’s critical to understand the motives underlying decision-making when opting for an open relationship. Doing anything to appease a partner or make them jealous will usually result in more problems than existed before the introduction of an open relationship.  

Is an open relationship right for me? 

There’s always a risk when engaging in an open relationship. That said, every relationship comes with risk: the risk of leaving with a broken heart or having your feelings hurt. This goes for friendships, too.  

Based on the above criteria, only you will know if an open relationship could work for you. If you still aren’t sure and are OK with the risks involved, you owe it to yourself to try. As uncertain as it sounds, sometimes the biggest risk is the one you don’t take.   

11 Tips for Dating During Inflation

The impact of inflation is evident in dating preferences. According to a 2023 survey conducted by The Harris Poll Thought Leadership Practice, 70% of singles reported they favor dating activities like hiking over more traditional options such as going out for drinks or dinner. Furthermore, 44% said they are willing to explore virtual dating options. 

An often overlooked social benefit of inflation is a rise in intentional dating. Because it costs more to date during an inflationary period, people tend to think more about their choices, from who they choose to date and where a date will take place.  

That said, not all recent dating trends, though intentional, are opportune: 55% of the survey respondents also indicated they are willing to have a first date in the privacy of their homes. This practice can present safety issues, especially for women.

No matter the savings, there’s no price you can ever put on keeping yourself safe, so always be sure to make your health and well-being a priority when meeting new people. Keeping this issue at the forefront of your mind, here are 11 tips for dating during inflation. 

Date less but more strategically.  

Whereas in a non-inflationary period, when you may have been more liberal about setting up a date and less careful about gauging your interest level, it’s now the time to do a little more homework. Be sure you’re engaging in at least a few texts, emails, and phone conversations before setting up a date to justify the cost involved, even if it’s minimal.  

Set up a video date.  

As part of your vetting strategy, consider making your first meeting over Zoom or FaceTime. This way, you can interact with a potential date and see their appearance, facial expressions, and mannerisms for free. If you don’t like what you see (and hear), you’ve lost nothing but time.  

Stay fairly local.  

Once you decide you want to meet a new dating prospect in person, and they agree, meet locally or as locally as possible. If you and this person live a significant distance away from each other, perhaps make your first few dates over video. Then, when you do decide to meet in person, pick a location that is not financially burdensome for either of you, such as a meeting point halfway.  

Keep in-person first dates short.  

If you’re meeting locally, keep first dates short, meaning no longer than an hour. Should you be traveling some distance, gauge by how far you have to travel the length of your first date, keeping in mind you a) don’t want to overstay your welcome and b) your goal should be to leave them wanting more. Think coffee, a walk in the park (nowhere isolated, of course), or a drink. In the same vein … 

Be mindful of how much the date will cost.  

Short dates generally mean they won’t be costly dates. Walks in the park are free. Coffee shop dates hopefully won’t break the bank either. If you’re opposed to coffee shop dates because you see them as commercial environments, choose to frequent a small business that has some character, maybe even features live music, rather than a national chain.  

The same goes for having a drink at a bar. Setting matters. Pro tip: Since drinks can get pricey, schedule drink dates early during happy hour to make your hard-earned dollars stretch further. But don’t let yourself be over-served. That’s never a good look on anyone.  

Have a plan for what you're going to spend before getting to the date and communicate it to your date. 

Questions such as “Would you like to meet for coffee?” or “Would you like to meet for a drink?” cut to the chase pretty quickly. If you offer on the spur of the moment to buy appetizers or dinner because the date’s going well, be prepared to pay for those extra purchases as well. Speaking of paying, … 

If you are a heterosexual couple, and you’re the guy, be prepared to pick up the tab.  

There has been much debate over who pays on dates. Tradition can still go a long way toward making a good impression, so if you’re a guy, expect to grab that check, even if she politely offers. But ladies, this isn’t an excuse to take advantage of anyone’s generosity. For same-sex couples, if you want to, offer to pay. Otherwise, expect to split the bill. 

Stick to a single destination for the first or early dates. 

Sticking to a single destination, especially for the first or first few dates, can help keep dating costs at a manageable level. Doing so also means you are likely keeping your dates on the shorter side.  

Create a dating budget. 

Thinking longer term since it can take a while to meet your person, consider creating a dating budget for yourself. This should also incentivize you to watch costs on a date-by-date basis, given how deviating from a set budget will invariably affect your bottom line and financial goals. Remember, small impulse purchases add up over time.  

Use credit card rewards to defray dating costs.  

There are many credit cards that reward customers not just for their credit card usage but also for making specific types of purchases, such as dining out, gas, and groceries. Putting all your dating costs on one credit card or targeting certain cards for purchases related to dating can likewise help your money go further.

Pay cash for dates.  

Worried about credit card bills catching you by surprise? Setting aside cash each month according to your budget that’s strictly designated for dating expenses can be an effective strategy. Once the amount you set aside is exhausted, you’ll know it’s time to schedule your next date a little further out, or if you’re at that point with a special someone, sharpen your culinary skills and either prepare a homecooked meal for them or cook one together. 

Final thoughts … 

Nothing worth having comes without its challenges, including dating. Yes, inflation can complicate an already complicated process like finding viable matches, but it doesn’t have to stop you from finding love. Love definitely comes with a cost, but when you find it, it’s priceless.  

Should You Leave a Sexless Marriage?

“What should I do if every time I approach my partner for sex, they give me an excuse why they can’t?” 

More and more Americans are revealing that they’re sleeping in what’s colloquially become known as a “dead bedroom,” where sex is left almost exclusively to fantasy. Sometimes for a year or longer. 

Though the term dead bedroom is pretty new, sexless marriages and relationships have existed for what must feel like an eternity, especially for those sleeping in one who want more. No one is immune to a dead bedroom either; it can happen to any couple, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, and marital status. The common thread is that, without regular sex, one or both individuals are typically dissatisfied, their relationship suffering as a result. 

Ending a relationship or marriage because of a dead bedroom is a big decision. If you are standing at such a crossroads, ask yourself the following questions before deciding whether to stay or go.  

Is the absence of sex in your marriage or relationship actually an issue? 

There’s not a universal definition of a dead bedroom. Some define it as going six months without sex. Some say it’s longer than six months. Others say that sex doesn’t need to be absent, but the frequency that exists is no longer “normal” for that particular relationship.   

Then there are those couples for whom no sex is the status quo, even desirable. Consider the following scenario: You and your partner are content being in a relationship without sex. You don’t want it or even miss it. In this situation, your bedroom isn’t dead. As research shows, some people in sexless relationships report being as happy as their peers who are sleeping in bedrooms that are alive and well. 

The point is if you or your partner are unhappy with your sex life, and you’re both vested in turning up the heat, then it pays to take some time to look at the reasons why you’re bedroom might be dead and if there’s a way to remedy what’s going on (or not going on).  

What can cause a dead bedroom? 

Life can kill not only your spirit but also your sex drive. Job worries, financial woes, divergent views on money, kids, and pets could all be relationship killers.  

Perhaps changes in your or your partner’s physical appearance over the years have led to a decline in attraction. Weight gain is a common occurrence among married couples, with a study in The New England Journal of Medicine revealing that if one spouse becomes obese, the other spouse has a 37 percent increased chance of also becoming obese. 

If weight isn’t the issue, it could be personal habits and hygiene. Wearing the same clothes for days, not showering, or generally looking unkempt is not exactly libido-enhancing. 

Children may also impact the intimacy in a relationship, as the demands of parenting — whining, screaming, exhaustion, and frequent intrusions — can contribute to a less vibrant bedroom life. So, too, can post-partum depression, clinical depression, anxiety, erectile dysfunction, cancer and cancer-related treatments, and advancing age.  

Whatever’s caused your sex life to do a deep dive, it’s crucial to give it a name. Identifying the issue and actively working toward addressing it can be what brings your bedroom back to life.  

Have you tried as a couple to address your sexless marriage? 

In many situations, there’s potential to repair a sexless relationship if both partners are willing. It could involve various measures, such as taking a vacation, seeking the guidance of a marriage counselor, or undergoing medical testing and treatment — whatever you believe may be beneficial. 

Open and honest communication and a joint effort to address the issues underlying existing physical intimacy struggles are integral to a thorough exploration. If all else fails, discussing the possibility of a future apart with your partner might be necessary. 

Are you ready to shut the bedroom door on your marriage or relationship forever? 

Divorce is a challenging journey. It’s often a lengthy, emotionally draining, and heart-wrenching process, especially when children are involved. Endling a long-term relationship when you once saw a future together is no fun either. That’s why it’s important to explore possible solutions before coming to a definitive decision to break up. 

Should you ultimately find yourself at that point, be kind to yourself. If a fulfilling and intimate connection, including an active sex life, is a significant part of your identity and contributes to you feeling loved and secure, seeking happiness elsewhere is not just justifiable. It’s necessary. 

Dating Someone Who Has a Special Needs Child

Dating when you and the person you’re seeing have children or one of you does raises a host of issues. When a child with special needs is in the picture, the issues typically involved are amplified.

But that doesn’t mean you won’t be up for it or that you won’t enjoy the relationship as much as you would in a situation where there isn’t a child with special needs. You may, in fact, enjoy the relationship more because parents of special needs children tend to possess a specific set of characteristics that can be appealing. Plus, you may get the benefit of falling in love with their child in addition to them. 

However, you do need to be aware that such a scenario will likely require you to be more understanding of certain circumstances in your partner’s life. Parents of special needs children tend to have their own challenges to contend with and deserve to have a partner who’s supportive and enhances their life, not detracts from it. With that in mind, if you’re deciding whether to date someone with a special needs child, here’s what you should consider.  

Parents of a special needs child may have a stronger than average bond with their child’s other parent. 

Raising a special needs child can take a great deal of mental and perhaps physical stamina. It’s a role filled with inherent pressures, more so than parents who are not raising a child with special needs may face. Often, parents of a special needs child, despite not being together as a couple, will maintain a close bond in the interest of ensuring their child gets the love, care, and attention they deserve.

If you’re the jealous type and suspect such a close relationship between the person you’re dating and their ex will affect you negatively, then dating a parent of a special needs child who maintains close ties with their child’s other parent probably isn’t for you. The dynamic won’t be for everyone, and it’s better to be honest with yourself and bow out sooner rather than later.  

Parents of a special needs child may have additional concerns or worries.

Special needs can mean a lot of things, and no two children or their challenges will be the same. What the person you’re dating faces on a daily basis due to their child’s challenges could be a source of constant concern and worry for them. People who live with constant stress can experience a range of emotions like anyone else, but theirs may be more amplified and occur more frequently. 

This individual deserves a supportive partner, even if they’re doing just fine on their own. What they don’t need is someone who lacks patience or isn’t understanding of what they, their child, and their other family members are going through daily. Again, if this doesn’t sound like an environment you can not only survive in but also thrive in as an individual and partner, look for a relationship elsewhere. 

Parents of a special needs child will usually drop everything for them.

Prioritizing the needs of your child when you’re a parent comes with the territory. When you’re the parent of a special needs child, you may want and have to take that responsibility even more seriously.    

Whether warranted or not, a parent of a special needs child will usually drop what they’re doing (as much as they can) for their child if the child needs them. Last-minute cancellations, running late, and interruptions may be par for the course when dating the parent of a special needs child. So, if you’re a stickler for anything, it may be a good idea to stick yourself somewhere else.

Parents of a special needs child may be more overprotective of them.

Many parents find themselves being overprotective of their children, given their age and maturity. Children aging is as much a rite of passage for the child as it is for the parent, who must learn to loosen the reigns. 

A parent of a special needs child may find themselves more protective of them than they would another child of the same age or maturity level due to the challenges the child faces. Again, if you struggle with jealousy and not being the center of attention will bother you, and you believe you will feel that you’re competing with a special needs child for their parent’s attention, then this type of situation probably isn’t for you. 

Parents of a special needs child may take longer to invite you into their life.

Related to the last point, a parent of a special needs child may take longer to invite you into their everyday life. But who could blame them? They probably have more going on than most, requiring a lot of them, and don’t have the time or inclination to deal with shenanigans. 

If you’re still interested in dating that special someone that you have your eye on, and they’re interested in dating you, and they just happen to also be the parent of a special needs child, demonstrate with your actions, little by little and over time, that you’re serious about your intentions. Understanding all the while that a parent of a special needs child may, by virtue of the unique person they are, be well worth the wait.  

How Specific Should I Be in My Online Dating Profile?

If you’re new to online dating or getting back into it after a break, you’ve probably already read about what information you should include in your online dating profile and the kind of pictures you should take. This information is important, but it can only carry you so far. 

As many people sit down and begin writing their online dating profile, they suddenly find themselves stuck. Why? Although they know the ingredients of a successful online dating profile, when they actually put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard, they aren’t sure about a few not-so-obvious details, all of which have to do with one burning question: How specific should I be in my online dating profile?

It’s a complicated question because, on the one hand, you’ve been told to be specific about your likes, dislikes, and family situation (i.e., whether you have children), but on the other hand, have been told not to reveal too much (i.e., your financial situation or temporary joblessness). This is the confusion that causes people wanting to use online dating to say, much like Scarlett O’Hara did in “Gone With the Wind,” “I’ll think about that tomorrow.” It can be fine advice, especially if you have Rhett Butler in the wings lusting after you. But the reality is most people don’t, which is why you shouldn’t give up on writing your online dating profile. 

If you’re finding yourself stuck, even though you know what goes into a great online dating profile, it’s probably because you haven’t yet considered a few elements that, once you focus on them, can make the process of writing your online dating profile easier. These are the elements that take the question from “How specific should I be in my online dating profile? to the question, “How should I communicate specifics in my online dating profile without revealing too much?” Beyond personal details, here’s what you need to focus on when writing your online dating profile. 

Your story arc. 

Everyone has a story about how they got to where they are in life. The older you are, the more detailed and nuanced that story will be. Now for the tricky part: You want to take that story and pick and choose the highlights to create a picture of who you are today.

To do this effectively, write a list of the milestones in your life that got you to where you are right now. Was it growing up on a farm before moving to the city for your career? Was it getting married the first time and having four children whom you raised to become successful and contributing members of society? Was it deciding not to become a parent and instead devote your life to philanthropic endeavors? Whatever the major points are, once you see them in front of you, a picture will begin to emerge. 

Your “personal” details.

Underneath your bullet points for your story arc, add interesting details about your life from these periods. For example, if you played on the women’s basketball team during college, add a few words about that. If, while building your company, you got to live in South America, add that, too. If, at present, you love cooking vegan recipes at home, add another sentence or two. 

The point is that it can be helpful to have pertinent details in front of you as you begin to write, even though everything is all up in your head. Organization, especially in writing, can make a huge difference in the final product. 

Your outline.

Once you’ve created your outline, review it to see if there’s anything in it you wouldn’t want to share with your readers. If you wrote about how you were married to a narcissist who put you through the wringer in your divorce, consider whittling that down to a less personal statement, leaving the rest for revealing later when you’re in a relationship and are sharing more intimate details about yourselves. 

Whatever you write, it should be reflective of you, your life, and most importantly, what you’re comfortable revealing about yourself and your life. If it isn’t, delete it. 

Your dating profile is a jumping-off point for people you meet to learn more about you. Therefore, you don’t want to turn anyone off who won’t “get you” because they don’t know you, and you don’t want to act offended if someone you meet asks you a question because you communicated a detail that made them think their question was fair game. 

Of course, this scenario can still occur, and you always have the option to say, “I’m not comfortable discussing that.” But when you write your online dating profile considering these possibilities, you make awkward moments less likely. 

Your tone. 

Now that you’ve eliminated the points a reader could perceive as negative, you want to begin writing the draft for your online dating profile. As you do this, be mindful of your tone. You want to sound upbeat and positive, not only about yourself but also the people you’re looking to meet. However, you don’t want to sound so positive that you sound unauthentic. Readers will be reading between the lines. 

Your word choice. 

Related to tone, keep in mind that people from all walks of life and backgrounds will be reading your online dating profile. The language you use and your word choice will automatically attract certain people while weeding others out. 

This is fine as long as you’re conscious of how your word choice affects the overall perception of your message. Sometimes it’s not what you say but how you say it that resonates most.

Final thoughts …

Writing an online dating is a daunting process for many. But it doesn’t have to be if you prepare for it. Going through the process described above can make writing not only a more manageable task but a fun one, too. 

Remember, you are unique and have a lot to offer. So take the time to communicate that effectively and with confidence, letting that potential special someone know you’re here, searching for them as they’re searching for you. 

When You and Your Partner Don’t Share the Same Values About Money

One of the best predictors of relationship success is when two partners share the same values. Values can center around many aspects of life: religion, honesty, family, loyalty, hard work, and money, to name a few.  

Of these values, money and how it’s handled are common sticking points for many couples. But does having divergent views about money have to signal incompatibility or the end of a relationship? 

The short answer? No.  

That said, if you and your partner find you can’t agree about your philosophies on money, you will need to find a way to compromise. Here are a few suggestions about how.  

Talk about your vision for the future as a couple. 

The word money has a way of getting people’s backs up, so why not remove it from conversations with your partner for the moment? Instead, begin broaching the subject by discussing your shared vision of the future. Given that most ideas will cost money to implement, it will be a natural segue into a more detailed conversation about finances.  

Once you have an understanding of how you and your partner envision your own future and yours as a couple, something you should put on paper for both of you to see, you are ready for your next step. And that is to put a price tag on what those visions will cost. Some may be for now, others for later.  

Be mindful not to criticize your partner’s vision, even if it doesn’t align with yours at first glance. You want the conversation to continue flowing, keeping in mind that an open communication style is one of the hallmarks of a healthy relationship.

You’re a couple and not joined at the hip, so it’s OK if your partner’s dreams are different from yours. But you do need to figure out how to compromise with one another and figure out whether you have a way to turn those dreams into reality.    

Set a household budget. 

Be open about your individual financial situation with your partner and discuss yours together. If you live together, set a household budget if you don’t already have one. Talk about who’s contributing what and how much to the relationship, and come to an agreement about what’s fair for your individual circumstances.  

Once you have a budget in place, examine it and see what’s left after paying your major expenses and contributing to savings. That’s your vision money. It is the space where you and your partner need to come to terms not only with whether those visions fit into your budget but also whether they fit into your shared lifestyle.  

Some goals may have to be put on hold for a while for either reason. But again, be careful not to quash your partner’s desires. How you communicate matters.  

Allocate some discretionary money. 

If your finances allow, put away some discretionary money, both individually and as a couple. If individual, the amount you are setting aside should be disclosed to your partner. There’s nothing worse than learning your partner isn’t being honest — about anything — including how they’re handling money. 

Do keep in mind that no one wants to be told how to spend their money. So once that money is put aside for individual use, set aside to support personal dreams, step back, and let your partner have the autonomy each and every one of us deserves. You should be afforded that same respect from them. 

Make a pledge of honesty. 

The steps above reflect a willingness to work within your current value systems, not change them. No one, not even your partner, should ask you to change who you are.

But you do need to work within the confines of the relationship you set with your partner. More importantly, you should be honest about your willingness to honor the promises you make to your partner, which apply to money the same as any other promise would.  

Make a pledge to your partner and yourself that you will be forthright about your handling of money and will follow of the plan you set as a couple. If, for whatever reason, you have a moment of weakness or need to do something that deviates from the plan, go to your partner and talk to them.  

If you’ve built a strong relationship, and you respect it as much as you do your partner, nothing, not even an issue with money, will be able to shake you. Because the value of honesty has no price tag.   

Are You In a Dead-End Relationship?

When you think you might be in a dead-end relationship, you don’t wonder where your relationship is going but whether “this” is all there is, and if your relationship is one you can see yourself continuing in until you grow old. But before you make any life-changing decisions, you’ll want to first take a step back to see if your relationship bears the hallmarks of a dead-end relationship or if you and your partner are just going through a phase. Here’s what you should look for.  

You and your partner don’t communicate well.

It’s no secret that communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. So, if communication with your partner is consistently strained, ineffective, or non-existent, it may indicate your relationship has met a dead end.

You and your partner can’t seem to resolve your issues.

Repeated arguments about the same conflicts that never seem to get resolved can create a toxic environment and indicate a lack of growth or progress. Like a hamster on a wheel, you and your partner are going nowhere fast. 

There’s emotional distance between you and your partner.

If either you are your partner, or both of you, are emotionally withdrawn, and it’s not episodic, it may be a sign that the connection you share is weakening. It may not be something you can quantify, and you or your partner may be experts at denying it when questioned, but it’s definitely something you can feel.

Your relationship lacks intimacy.

How’s your sex life? Not so hot? A significant decrease in physical or emotional intimacy may indicate a deeper issue, not that you’ve just been busy. Intimacy is integral to a healthy relationship, and its absence or drastic reduction can signal a dead-end.

You and your partner have different goals.

If you and your partner have fundamentally different long-term goals, such as whether you want to get married, become parents, where you want to live, or what you envision your careers to be, it can signal you’ve reached a roadblock in your relationship.

One or both of you are unhappy.

If one or both of you feel unhappy (and, let’s face it, one of you feeling this way is enough), unfulfilled, or stagnant in your relationship pretty much all of the time, it’s time to evaluate whether the relationship is where you need to be in your life.

Your relationship is plagued with trust issues.

Trust is vital for any relationship to endure. If there’s a lack of trust due to past betrayals such as infidelity, dishonesty, or the telling of “white lies,” or suspicion in general, it can hinder the growth of the relationship. More than that, it can kill it.

One or both of you have stopped making an effort.

A healthy relationship requires effort from both partners. If one person is consistently putting in more than the other, it may lead to resentment and dissatisfaction. Even contempt. Speaking of which …

You and your partner feel contempt for one other.

Contempt can rear its ugly head in many ways. If one or both of you display a consistent pattern of disrespect, it can chip away at the foundation of your relationship pretty fast. Or it may already have.

One or both of you aren’t willing to do the work to improve your situation.

If you and your partner are not on board with changing yourselves (because that’s all any of us really have the power to change), are resistant to personal growth, or find yourselves unable or unwilling to adapt to new circumstances, it will stagnate your relationship.

Both of you need to commit to improving your situation before it becomes a way of life or the end of the life you share. Neither one of you can do it alone. 

One or both of you feel unappreciated.

If you always feel unvalued, unappreciated, or ignored by your partner, it’s a clear sign that your relationship in its current state is not providing you with the emotional support you need. Everyone needs emotional support, and the first person you should expect it from (yes, I said expect) is your partner in love and life.

You and your partner repeatedly break up and reconcile.

If you and your partner break up and reconcile often, threaten to, or if you’re married, throw around the “D” word, you’ve got some unresolved issues that need addressing. If you can’t or are unwilling to address them (see above), it’s time to move forward independently once and for all.

Final thoughts …

Not every relationship is built to last. If you aren’t sure if yours is, enlisting the assistance of a third party, such as a relationship coach or mental health professional, can be helpful to either assist you in improving your current situation or exit it with respect and dignity. As much as dead ends can be cause for sadness, they can signal new beginnings that eventually give way to happiness.

Why a Cooking Date Is a Recipe for Relationship Success

Who remembers Bridget Jones’s fiasco dinner party in the movie “Bridget Jones’s Diary,” which ended up including blue soup, orange marmalade, and caper berry gravy, aka congealed green gunge?  

Thankfully for Bridget, love interest Mark Darcy, who happened to drop by before the guests arrived, was more than willing to pull out his culinary skills and make omelets in an attempt to save the meal. Let’s just say the kitchen got a little hotter with all the eye contact, indicating their relationship had the potential to heat up.  

Dramatic license, maybe. But there was a lot of truth in the interaction and how cooking can be a recipe for relationship success. It should, therefore, come as no surprise a lot of couples do it.        

Cooking with a love interest, whether it’s someone you’ve recently begun dating or a partner you’ve been with for a long time, is a popular date activity. And there’s a reason — actually, a few — why.  

You get to create together.  

Cooking together involves joint effort. It’s not just about the end result — the meal — but the process of creating the meal as a team.  

Two partners working toward the same goal, here a culinary one, not only demonstrates a shared commitment but also requires coordination and communication. From grocery shopping beforehand to chopping vegetables to stirring the pot, every task becomes a shared endeavor, reinforcing the idea that you can work together and, just as importantly, like to. 

You teach and learn from each other when cooking a meal.  

Cooking allows love interests to share their culinary expertise. Whether passing down family recipes, demonstrating specific skills, or simply learning from each other’s cooking styles, the exchange can strengthen your connection and understanding of one another.  

The experience can similarly introduce you to foods you may have yet to eat or spices you may not have used in your own recipes. You can learn a lot about a person’s upbringing and culture from the dishes they prepare and the ingredients they put in them. 

The division of labor is a lesson in cooperation. 

Cooking a meal requires planning and organization. You and your partner must decide who’s in charge of grocery shopping, who will tackle the prep work, and who will clean up. Of course, you can do all of these activities together, breaking down the labor further within each activity (one partner loads the dishwasher, the other empties it, for example).  

This division of labor, however, is not just about chores; it’s a lesson in cooperation and collaboration. Discussing and allocating responsibilities in the kitchen can enhance communication skills that carry over into other areas of your relationship. Couples that truly operate as a team don’t do so only in the kitchen.   

Cooking at home is economical. 

Cooking at home is an economical activity. The cost of ingredients for a homemade meal is often far less than dining out. The best part is that you can also get multiple meals from one cooking session.  

Though saving money may not be your primary goal or the reason you decide to cook a meal with your partner, getting value can be a silver lining. If saving money is a priority for you, as it is for many, eating at home can be an efficient way to reallocate funds toward another activity outside the home you can enjoy together as well. 

Preparing a meal with your partner promotes intimacy. 

Cooking together is an inherently intimate experience. The private setting, working together in close proximity, the cooperation, and the sensory engagement create a unique atmosphere that can bring two individuals closer together.  

Where you enjoy that meal matters, too. Given how much effort you put into preparing it, don’t forget to set the table or light the candles. Consider eating your meal outdoors by candlelight under the stars if the weather allows or sitting on pillows at a coffee table next to a fire burning in the fireplace.  

Cooking allows you to show your appreciation for your partner. 

The intimacy extends beyond the cooking process into the sharing of the meal you create. Conversations tend to flow naturally as you work side by side, allowing you to learn more about one another in a casual atmosphere.  

Serving the food you made together is similarly a gesture of love and appreciation, and sharing this meal can create more moments of vulnerability and closeness. For many, feeding someone they care about is an expression of affection. 

It’s fun! 

Cooking with a partner can be a whole lot of fun. The laughter, the playfulness, the occasional mishaps, and the joy of creating something delicious (hopefully) make the process enjoyable and unique every time. Even if the meal turns out to be not as delicious as expected, it can be a situation you laugh about now — and in the future.   

Final thoughts … 

A cooking date is about more than making a meal; it’s a multi-faceted experience that can strengthen the foundation of your relationship at any stage. From teamwork and learning to the economic benefits and deepened intimacy, the kitchen can become a space where love is not only served up but also savored and shared. So, the next time you’re thinking about date ideas, consider turning up the heat in the kitchen. And your relationship. 

Dating With Pets

Animals play an integral role in many people’s lives. Not surprisingly, navigating relationships when pets are involved has become a significant aspect of dating. Just ask Tori Spelling.  

According to People magazine, estranged husband Dean McDermott pointed to Tori’s pet pig sleeping in their bed, a chicken living in the bathroom, and multiple dogs in their home as a contributing factor in their marriage’s ultimate demise.    

As outlandish as his claims may sound, McDermott’s statements underscore the importance of partners being on the same page when it comes to pets; having divergent views can directly influence the harmony in a relationship. With this in mind, if you have a pet or are considering dating someone who does, here are a few issues to consider.  

Don’t assume everyone’s a pet lover. 

Incomprehensible or painful as it may be to imagine a person who doesn’t love pets or a particular animal, it’s part of life that not everyone will share the same enthusiasm for pets as you do. Avoiding the assumption that everyone loves animals can help you navigate relationships more effectively. 

People tend to have varying comfort levels and experiences with animals. Some may also have allergies. Therefore, it’s best to approach these differences with respect and understanding. 

Discuss pets with a partner. 

Being mindful of personal boundaries when dating with pets is key. While a pet may be a member of the family for some, it’s not the case for everyone. Gauging your and your partner’s comfort level before incorporating pets into shared spaces or activities can prevent issues from arising.  

If you have a pet or want one in the future, discussing your stance on pets early on can save everyone time and trouble. When you’re honest about your intentions regarding pets, you will better understand each other’s commitments and whether pets will fit into your respective lifestyles.  

Before making any decisions regarding pets, addressing potential concerns, such as the expense of caring for pets, fear or dislike of a specific type of animal, allergies, or any other reservations, can help to establish a transparent and considerate atmosphere. By engaging in clear communication from the start, you can build a solid foundation for your relationship so that the needs of humans and pets are acknowledged. 

The idea is that as your relationship progresses, everyone, including your pets, should feel at ease. Continually sharing your thoughts on pets demonstrates a willingness to understand and respect each other’s personal boundaries, keeping the tone of your dating environment positive and inclusive. 

Pet-friendly dates. 

Pet people like to share their love for their pets, especially with other pet lovers or people they love or think they may love one day. Dates involving pets can help pet owners test the waters and see how everyone gets along.   

Selecting pet-friendly venues for dates is a fun way to create a comfortable environment for love interests and furry companions. Venues can include pet-friendly restaurants and parks or activities catering to pets’ well-being, such as cat cafés.  

Whether it’s a casual stroll in a dog-friendly park or a cozy dinner at a pet-friendly restaurant, the venue you pick can affect the dynamics of a date. One caveat: Keep pet comfort and safety in mind when deciding where to go.  

Don’t neglect your date because your pet is present. 

It can be a delicate balance to pay attention to your date and pets at the same time, but the quality of your date will depend on it. While pets are cherished family members, it’s important not to let their presence overshadow the connection you have with your human partner.  

To that end, find opportunities to engage with your date without neglecting pets’ needs. This might involve planning activities involving both humans and pets so everyone feels valued and included. Striking this balance demonstrates a thoughtful approach to all kinds of relationships. 

Set clear boundaries for pet involvement during dates, too. This will help to avoid potential conflicts or feeling uncomfortable. While incorporating pets into shared activities can be enjoyable, it’s also important that their presence aligns with the context of the date.  

Setting expectations and limits on pet involvement (i.e., the pet isn’t always present) will help foster a positive atmosphere while also preventing unintended disruptions or a pet becoming an unwanted intruder. No one likes a third wheel, no matter how cute they are.  

Handle pet-related issues promptly. 

Address pet-related issues, especially allergies, early. Discussing specific triggers and the potential severity of them can give you time to find practical solutions. This may involve establishing pet-free zones within the home, using air purifiers, or exploring hypoallergenic pets.  

Finding common ground and solutions together again demonstrates a willingness to accommodate each other’s needs and wants. It’s also an indicator of whether your relationship will be able to endure despite potential pet-related challenges. 

Handling animals’ behavioral issues is yet another aspect of dating with pets that may require extra attention. Discussing training and behavior expectations openly can lay the groundwork for a harmonious co-existence between you, your partner, your respective pets, or pets you may adopt together. 

In cases where behavioral issues persist, consider seeking support from a certified animal behaviorist or trainer. Taking this extra step demonstrates your commitment to the well-being of your relationship and the pets involved in it. 

Final thoughts … 

Understanding the dos and don’ts for creating a “pawsitive” partnership can help you and your partner to remain respectful of each other and each other’s pets and embrace wholeheartedly the responsibilities and joys that come with having animals. This includes any animals you may decide to welcome into the relationship as a couple. 

By following these suggestions, you can enhance your dating experiences and build lasting connections that include all family members — human and furry. 

What Should You Do if You Find Yourself in a ‘Situationship’?

The word “situationship” is frequently used to talk about those in-between connections that aren’t “quite” casual dating but not reflective of a serious commitment either. Such relationships can be confusing, especially when they involve sex and intimacy, and leave people wondering where things are going.  

For many, this is a hard place to be, especially as time goes on. Therefore, if you find yourself wondering where you stand with a romantic interest and want to know for sure, follow these steps.  

Assess your feelings and expectations. 

In ambiguous situations, it’s easy to explain away or dismiss what you’re feeling. However, that does not help to get out of a situationship, especially if it’s not working for you.  

If you are unhappy with the current state of your relationship, take a step back and ask yourself why. Assess your feelings and be honest with yourself about what you expect from a relationship and what you want from this relationship, now situationship, that you’re in currently.   

Initiate a conversation.  

Once you figure out what you want and what you’re missing with the person you’re seeing, start an honest conversation with them about the state of your relationship.  

Calmly share your feelings and expectations with them, giving them ample time to respond. Listen without becoming agitated if they should tell you something you don’t want to hear or weren’t expecting to hear. Chances are, you won’t be able to change their mind, and having an angry outburst will generally only make matters worse.  

Define the parameters of the situationship. 

Should you decide to march on with your existing relationship, or some form of it, define how your situationship will look. If the other person agrees, stick to the rules you’ve created, even if they try to get you to bend.  

Deviating from the terms you’ve set will only cause you heartache unless you both agree to revamp your agreement. You should both be on the same page about any changes you make.  

Evaluate your long-term compatibility. 

Healthy relationships evolve. Situationships typically don’t because one person is happy with maintaining the status quo. If you are the other person, the one who’s looking for clarification and a roadmap toward a “real” relationship, assess whether being in a situationship aligns with your personal values and goals.  

Clarify whether the potential exists for a more committed relationship and if you could be happy not growing into such a commitment while continuing to see this person. If it’s long-term compatibility you seek, and they are not willing to give that to you, consider moving on to find someone who will.   

A word to the wise: Take maybe as a no. Never, never waste time waiting for someone to choose you. Someone who wants you and a life with you will let you know. Often, the only way to get a person who’s wavering to decide is to leave. You will have your answer if they allow you to go and don’t try to get you back.

Make a decision and take action. 

Once you have a conversation and gather all your facts, decide whether you want to continue with this person or end the situationship. In theory, it should be an easy choice if someone isn’t giving you what you want and deserve. However, the reality is that emotions can be strong and won’t always direct you to what’s in your best interests. So, you must be strong and stay true to yourself.  

With that in mind, implement changes based on your own needs and desires, not the other person’s. It won’t be easy and may very well be painful. But you need to send packing what — and whom — is not serving you and make room for what — or whom — will.  

Final thoughts … 

People don’t generally plan to be in a situationship but sometimes wake up and find themselves in one. But as the name implies, a situationship is exactly what it sounds like: a situation. Meaning, it doesn’t have to be forever.  

You and you alone can change your surroundings and the people you surround yourself with. Just not the people themselves.  

Dating and Board Games: How They Can Strengthen a Couple’s Bond

A popular date night activity for singles and married partners, young and old(er), is to play a board game. Board games are not only for kids. However, they can bring out the kid in you and take you back to your childhood. 

With so many board games on the market now, including ones we know well that even come in their retro packaging, the options for date night fun are endless. That is if you and your partner are for the challenge — quite literally. If you haven’t tried it, here are a few reasons to put game night on the calendar for you and your partner.  

Board games are an activity couples can share.  

It’s no secret that engaging in shared activities is good for relationship-building, and playing board games provides a structured and enjoyable way to spend time together. Playing board games is not always everyone’s immediate go-to for date night ideas, so if you’re looking to change up the routine of going for drinks or dinner, board games can be a nice addition to your repertoire. It can also be a great way to extend a date, say with a game of Scrabble or Rummikub after a meal.   

Couples can engage in communication and teamwork. 

Board games encourage communication and teamwork, essential skills in any relationship. When playing a board game one-on-one, you have yet another opportunity to chat, the game serving the same function —setting the stage — as a dinner would, for example.  

Playing board games also allows you and your date to compete against others as a team. As you do, you can see how well you collaborate and work to overcome challenges together as they present themselves.    

Board games give couples an opportunity to compromise. 

Compromise begins with deciding to give board games a chance as a date night activity, and then again when you choose the game that you are going to play. If you both decide you like the activity and want to do it again, you are compromising each time you select which game to play! 

If you are playing a board game as a team, you have another chance to see your partner’s willingness to compromise in action. After all, you often have to devise a strategy or pick one answer to present when playing on the same team. Whose strategy are you going to go with? Whose answer are you going to give? Does it matter whose idea it was? You can learn a lot about your date from these moments.

Couples can see their partner’s competitive side.  

Similar to how they can give you a birdseye view into how well you can collaborate and compromise, board games provide a chance to see your partner’s competitive side. Unless you are put into a competitive situation, many couples don’t realize how aggressive their partner can get under the right conditions. How your partner reacts when they win or lose can be telling about how they may behave in other scenarios where they are opposing someone else, including you.  

Board games are fun. 

The operative word in the phrase board game is game, which usually spells fun. If everyone’s taking it in stride and not behaving too competitively, a board game can be a source of enjoyment and laughter for a couple and a group. Board games can also be the impetus for scheduling a get-together with friends, such as a game night-type party.   

Of course, even if everyone’s paying by the rules (of the game and socially), not everyone finds board games enjoyable. And that’s OK. Then, you don’t have to make playing them a regular occurrence.  

However, if your partner really loves board games, you may want to “take one for the team,” your team, every once in a while and play them as a couple.   

Couples get to spend quality time together and create lasting memories.  

Spending quality time with your partner is imperative if you expect to deepen your relationship. Whatever the activity, it becomes the basis for the memories you create, hopefully good memories.  

If board games can be a reason for you and your partner to share a part of yourselves with one another, and it makes you both happy (or if making your partner happy makes you happy), then, by all means, pull out the Monopoly board, smile, and take a stroll down Boardwalk. Just try and stay out of jail, or, at a minimum, the doghouse by being a good sport.  

‘The Golden Bachelor’ Bombshell: What Should You Do if You Learn Your Partner Lied to You?

It’s a “Tale as old as time/Song as old as rhyme/Beauty and the …” liar? Wait. Wasn’t it supposed to be “The Golden Bacheor” Gerry Turner’s first dip, maybe not at the ball, but in the dating pool since his wife passed away from an infection in 2017?  

Seems not, according to the Daily Mail and, apparently, the rest of the internet. An old girlfriend, Carolyn, came forward recently claiming she not only dated the coveted 72-year-old cad but was living with him at his lake house before he gave her walking papers for gaining a whopping 10 lbs.  

There were other allegations from this once unknown ex, too: As she was packing to leave the love shack, Carolyn claims to have accidentally fallen down the stairs but says her former roomie was not very sympathetic, accusing her of using the fall, which necessitated surgery, as an excuse to stay in the house longer than the Januar 1 deadline he gave her to get out.  

The icing on the cake? Carolyn claims Gerry was cheap.    

Mic drop. 

Despite him wanting to focus only on the “positive things that are going on” now, which include his upcoming televised wedding on January 4, 2024, with winner Theresa Nist, 70, and as other chatter about “a number of women” emerges, Gerry has admitted there might be some truth in the claims. Which raises a big question: 

What should you do if you learn your partner lied to you?  

Here are a few ideas.  

Remain calm. 

It can be difficult to discover something you were told isn’t true, especially if what you were told came from someone you trust and love. Difficult can often translate to maddening.  

As much as you may want to yell and scream, maybe throw something, don’t. It’s not a good look and it won’t do anything, anything positive that is, for the current state of your relationship.  

However, that doesn’t mean you should ignore what’s happened either. For the sake of your sanity, let your partner know you want to … 

Have a conversation.  

When you are able, when you can be calm, sit down with your partner and clarify what they have told you in the past versus what the truth really is just to make sure you have your facts straight. Then ask them any questions you have, such as why they lied and whether they would go about the situation the same way if they had to do it all over again.

Be sure to allow your partner enough time to talk and listen attentively as they do. Then … 

Establish rules around truth-telling.  

Even if you are not yet sure about what the future holds for you as a couple, let your partner know that you believed they were honest because you expected them to be. Let them know you expect the truth from them from this point on.  

This rule would apply whether you decide to stay with your partner or the lie they told makes that impossible. Even if you end your relationship and interact later as friends or acquaintances, remind them that your standards for truth-telling will always be the same.     

Make a decision about the future.  

Once you’ve gathered all your facts and considered your relationship in light of them, make a decision about your future together. If you feel your partner wants to make the situation right, and you are up for giving your relationship another go, commit as a couple to repairing the damage that has been done by the lying. Reminder: You both have to be committed since it takes two people to make a healthy relationship.  

Rebuild trust. 

Once you and your partner have (re)committed to your relationship and working on the issues around the lie your partner told (there are always other issues since nothing happens in a vacuum), the first step will be to rebuild trust between you. Be aware that rebuilding trust, if it can be rebuilt, is a long process requiring patience on both your parts. You may find that you need support in this area.    

Seek counseling. 

Relationship counseling can be helpful when trying to rebuild trust in a relationship where it has been undermined or lost. But again, both partners have to be willing to participate for it to be effective. Individual counseling can also be beneficial in conjunction with couples counseling.  

Trust but verify. 

If after doing the work you feel you can trust your partner again, don’t keep bringing up the past. Move forward and continue living your lives as a couple and individually. 

That said, every experience comes with its lessons, and you don’t need to forget those you’ve learned. And while it’s good to trust, it’s also good to verify. What do you think, Theresa? 

You Are Bi-Sexual. How and When Should You Tell Your Date?

Dating when you are bisexual can bring up some unique challenges, but it can also be a rewarding experience. Being honest and open with yourself and your potential partners about your sexuality will help you to find the right person. One who is accepting and understanding of your identity, who shares similar values, and who will support you.   

Not everyone will fit the bill. Therefore, it is important not to rush into relationships and to take the time to get to know potential partners before making a commitment. With that in mind, here are a answers to some of your most burning questions about dating when you are bisexual. 

How long into a relationship should you tell the person you are dating that you are bisexual? 

There is no set timeline for when to tell someone you are dating that you are bisexual. It is important to consider your comfort level and how much you trust the person you are dating before disclosing any personal information. 

If you feel comfortable, you can tell them whenever you feel is best. It is important that you be honest and open about your sexuality so that you can have a healthy relationship built on trust. Therefore, if you see that your relationship is progressing, it is probably that time to have a conversation. 

How should you tell your date you are bisexual? 

It is important to be honest and open about your sexuality with your date, so the best way to tell your date that you are bisexual is to state it directly. Let them know that it is important to you and that you are comfortable with it. Be prepared to answer any questions they may have, and try to be patient if they don’t understand right away.

What questions might someone you are dating ask about being bisexual?

Though you can never fully predict what someone will ask about anything, the person you are dating might find themselves on the following thought train. If you are the type who likes to prepare or role-play before a conversation, consider formulating answers for the questions below. 

1. How did you come to realize you are bisexual? 

2. How long have you known you are bisexual? 

3. How does your bisexuality affect your relationships? 

4. How do you feel about monogamy and non-monogamy? 

5. What is your experience with dating people of different genders? 

6. What do you need to feel comfortable and safe in a relationship? 

7. What do you think are the most important aspects of a healthy relationship? 

8. How have you dealt with the stigma of being bisexual? 

9. What would you like me to know and understand about your bisexuality? 

10. How do you handle potential conflicts that may arise due to your bisexuality?

Some of these questions may be ones you have spent a long time thinking about already. Others, not so much. Regardless of whether these talking points are old or new to you, giving them attention can only serve to strengthen your relationship with someone else, as well as with yourself. 

What should you say if someone doesn’t want to date you because you are bisexual? 

Not everyone will be receptive to the idea you are bi-sexual and will have their reasons for feeling the way they do, regardless of if you agree with them or not. The bottom line is you can’t and, more importantly, should not have to convince someone to like you. 

With this in mind, you can offer the following responses, understanding that these statements may very well be a part of your goodbyes: 

• It’s okay if you don’t feel comfortable with my sexuality, but it’s who I am. I hope you can respect that.

• That’s unfortunate, but it’s important to respect everyone’s preferences and boundaries. It’s perfectly natural to have an attraction to more than one gender, and I hope you can keep an open mind about it in the future.

Then move forward with your life to find someone who is more compatible with you. You deserve that. 

How can you find people to date who will accept your bisexuality?

As with most else in dating, there are ways to refine your search and put yourself in the line of sight with those who share your values, interests, and lifestyle. Here are a few ideas to get you started.

1. Join a local bisexual or LGBTQIA+ group. 

Joining a community of like-minded people can be a great way to find potential dates who are accepting of your sexuality. 

2. Get involved in LGBTQIA+ events. 

Attend local events hosted by LGBTQIA+ organizations or businesses and mingle with other people who are open to dating bisexuals. 

3. Use dating apps. 

Many dating apps now have options for users to identify as bisexual or queer. This can help you find people who are open to dating someone who is bisexual. 

4. Try online dating websites. 

There are many online dating websites geared toward the LGBTQIA+ community. These websites can help you find people who are open to dating someone who is bisexual.

5. Find a dating coach/matchmaker in your search. 

Enlist the assistance of a dating coach/matchmaker who supports everyone’s individuality.

Final thoughts …

It is ultimately up to you to decide whether or not to tell someone you are dating about your sexuality and, if you do, when. First and foremost, you should always consider what you feel comfortable with and how open or private you would like to be, keeping in mind how the information could potentially impact the person you are seeing and your relationship with them — which may very well be for the better. 

Pet Peeves: Dealing with Your Partner's Annoying Habits

There’s an old expression: Love is blind. But is that actually true? And is it deaf, too? 

In romantic relationships, even the best of them, couples often encounter those, let’s just call them, odd habits of their partner that can transform a loving relationship into, well, something less than that. At least, at times.    

These idiosyncrasies, commonly referred to as pet peeves, can test the patience and resilience of even the most loving and committed couples. That said, understanding and working around your partner’s annoying habits is an absolute must to foster a healthy and lasting connection. Or at least not end up hurling your spouse’s tea cup across the kitchen as they slurp it or become the star of a true crime series.  

So, if your partner, who you love and want to stay married to, does a few things to get on your nerves and you want to learn to coexist with them better than you are now, then this article is for you. Read on.  

What are pet peeves? 

Pet peeves in the context of a romantic relationship can range from the innocuous to the utterly exasperating. Dirty socks left strewn across the bedroom, constantly tapping fingers on a table, or the oh-so-common leaving the toothpaste cap off (which can drive even the sanest person to the edge) — these seemingly trivial habits can build and become frequent sources of irritation.

Hey, let’s face it; these behaviors may not even be occurring when they’re irritating you. It may be enough to think about the times they are happening.  

As annoying as these habits can get, it’s important to recognize that your pet peeves are subjective and, therefore, are not the same for everyone. What may be a minor annoyance (or none at all) to one could be a significant source of frustration for another.  

The challenge thus lies not only in identifying which of these habits are most important to you (and annoying) but also in cultivating the patience and understanding you will need to address them without causing unnecessary conflict. A word to the wise: Tread lightly. 

Pick your battles. 

Not every annoying habit is worth confronting your partner about. Being overly critical or nitpicking can lead to a toxic dynamic.   

Before going to your partner, take time to distinguish between minor irritations that you feel you’re capable of overlooking or finding ways to live with silently and those whose continued existence genuinely affect your relationship.  

Focus on addressing the habits that significantly impact your well-being or the health of your relationship. Taking a pick-and-choose approach demonstrates to your partner that your efforts are concentrated on resolving issues that matter. 

Discuss how your partner’s behavior affects you. 

It can’t be said enough that communication is the foundation of any successful relationship, and talking about your pet peeves with your partner is no exception. Instead of harboring resentment or allowing your irritation to fester until you explode and say things you regret, talk openly and honestly to work through your issues.  

When attempting to communicate with your partner about your pet peeves involving them, be sure to create a safe space where both of you feel comfortable expressing your concerns. It’s best to approach the conversation with empathy, emphasizing that the goal isn’t to criticize but to strengthen your bond.  

Do keep in mind that once you open the door to critiquing your partner’s behavior, they may have more than a few words to say about what annoys them about you. In other words, if you can dish it out, you better be prepared to take it. 

Demonstrate active listening and empathy. 

When discussing pet peeves, be an active listener, too. Rather than formulating a rebuttal to whatever they come back to you with, take the time to understand your partner’s perspective as they explain their behavior to you.  

Recognize that your partner’s habits may be deeply ingrained and, therefore, unintentional. Your partner may likewise be unaware they’re even engaging in a particular behavior. Or, if they are aware, they may be unable to control it, such as in the case of a tic.  

Regardless of how a habit came to be, by fostering an environment of mutual understanding, you can work together to find compromises that accommodate both your and your partner’s needs. That may include finding ways to learn to live with what you cannot change. 

Find common ground.  

In love, compromise is necessary for a relationship to endure. Finding a middle ground can help when faced with a partner’s annoying habits. Compromise also demonstrates to your partner that you value the relationship enough to want to see it function better.  

To that end, explore solutions that meet your needs rather than expecting your partner to change. For instance, if their finger tapping is a source of annoyance, discuss the possibility of you putting on headphones when they’re doing it or suggest they seek a behavioral therapist to help redirect their habit to a less disruptive activity.  

Cultivate patience. 

Patience is a virtue, especially in the context of romantic relationships. Changing habits, even the so-called minor ones, will take time, effort, and, you guessed it, patience.  

First and foremost, acknowledge — to your partner and yourself — that your partner is unique with their own quirks. Remember, the same applies to you. So, celebrate your partner for who they are and all about them that you love and would never want to change. Your partner is, after all, the person you chose and who chose you back.  

As for your pet peeves, the ones you’ve decided negatively affect your enjoyment of your relationship and perhaps life and have requested your partner work on, commit to celebrating the little improvements they have made so far instead of expecting an immediate transformation. This approach not only eases the work they’re doing on themselves but can also strengthen the relationship. 

Final thoughts … 

Navigating the intricate maze of pet peeves in a romantic relationship requires a delicate balance of communication, empathy, and compromise. While annoying habits may test your patience, constructively addressing them can lead to a more profound understanding and appreciation of each other.  

Love, after all, is an evolution that encompasses both the wonderful and the challenging. By embracing your partner's imperfections and quirks, you will be better equipped to travel down a path of growth and resilience, all the while paving the way for a love that stands the test of time. Time you hopefully won’t be counting in your partner’s finger taps.