Have you ever been in a budding relationship and know your match is interested in you but inexplicably acts aloof?
You both want a romance with each other, but, for whatever reason, this person makes you work extra hard to earn their attention by dropping little nuggets of interest. Or you're the one who makes a romantic prospect work for your affection, waiting a deliberate amount of time before responding to a call or text or saying you already have plans when you don't.
You've heard this behavior described as playing hard to get, and, too often, it's an unavoidable part of the "dating game." But whether you're the one playing hard to get or pursuing someone who is, the problem is engaging in this kind of behavior is not always fun. So why do people do it?
In the recent study, "Who plays hard-to-get and who finds it attractive? Investigating the role of attachment style," researchers focus on attachment style to explain which type of behavior daters exhibit.
In psychology, attachment theory suggests young children must have a relationship with at least one caregiver to foster healthy emotional development. Children fall into two categories: secure and insecure, with the latter further divided into anxious and avoidant. Which attachment style children form comes from the parent's sensitivity to the child and his or her needs.
In classic attachment studies, researchers test how infants respond when their parent leaves the room for a few minutes. A securely attached child freely roams around the room with the parent present, gets upset when the parent leaves, and cheers up when the parent returns.
Conversely, an anxiously attached child is usually less willing to explore the room even when the parent is present, may become extremely distressed when the parent leaves, and ambivalent when the parent returns. As the theory stands, the behavioral pattern results from unpredictable responsive caregiving.
An avoidantly attached child would respond to the situation by ignoring the parent, whether the parent stays or leaves the room, and would not explore the room. This response may be the result of the parent not regularly meeting the child's emotional needs.
Attachment theory in children may translate to the way people form relationships as adults. As adults, the once securely attached child would be the most likely to form stable relationships. The once anxiously attached child would be the most likely to experience difficulties with intimacy. And the once avoidant child the most likely to be so independent that he or she becomes hesitant to form emotional attachments to others altogether. So what does the research say about attachment theory and playing hard to get?
Across four experiments, the researchers found that those with an avoidant attachment style are more likely to play hard to get. In contrast, those exhibiting anxious attachments are more willing to pursue someone who plays hard to get. Both results suggest a correlation between attachment style and playing hard to get.
In the first experiment, the data showed that people with an avoidant attachment style tend to play hard to get, especially women. In the second study, the data showed people with an anxious attachment style tend to pursue people who play hard to get, and is more common among men.
In the two other experiments, researchers manipulated the variable of attachment. They found that among a pool of heterosexual men only, those exhibiting avoidant attachment are more likely to play hard to get. In contrast, those exhibiting anxious attachment are more likely to pursue someone playing hard to get.
As a matchmaker who curates matches for my clients based on a unique formula I developed, which includes balancing specific criteria I know after almost 30 years in the business leads to happy, sustainable relationships, I find attachment theory intriguing. The relationship children have with their parents is essential to the way they develop into adults. Therefore, it makes sense to pick matches with a similar enough upbringing to foster mutual understanding.
That said, I'm hesitant to place too much emphasis on attachment theory. Yes, attachment theory functions as a broad archetype of how some parenting methods impact a child's development or ability to be emotionally intimate. But real life is more complicated than merely categorizing whether an individual has formed insecure or secure attachments; everyone has a story that has contributed to who they are far beyond the relationship they shared with their parents.
So, in the event you're pursuing a person playing hard to get or being pursued because you are, it could mean you or the object of your affection is insecurely attached. Correlation is not causation. There could still also be an unknown third factor — and third reason — that should cause you to ask the most important question of all:
Why am I dating someone who doesn't make me feel good?
And move on to someone who does.