Relationship studies usually focus on romance’s traditional trajectory: two strangers meet, go on a series of dates, and, over time, fall in love. However, in a new study released in July, researchers focused on another, often overlooked, relationship path: friends to lovers.
The study defines the friends-to-lovers pathway as when two friends start out strictly platonic, but then a switch flips. A romance blossoms, and, lo and behold, they become a couple.
The study, a meta-analysis of seven studies, evaluated the relationship pathways of 1,897 college students and older adults. The results indicated that two-thirds of the participants reported their relationship started from the point of friendship. Not only that, the friends-first pathway was found to be the preferred method of forming romantic relationships among college students.
Apparently, ignoring the friends-to-lovers pathway has been a significant oversight. But does that mean you should only focus on your Facebook friend list and phone contacts to find love? No, of course not.
Other routes to love — an introduction, online dating, living your life to its fullest — still work, especially when friendship is a component. Thinking about romantic relationships in terms of how you work as friends could be the relationship boost you need. Here are a few issues to think about when considering your relationship objectives, whatever they might be.
Is online dating effective for finding a romance based on friendship?
You betcha. Naturally, a study like this one could raise questions about whether online dating platforms, which pair matches who’ve never met before, would also be a viable way to build a romance based on friendship. The reason online dating can set the stage for a friendship-based romance rests in the power you have to pace your relationship once you and a match hit it off. In other words, you can become friends with your matches by getting to know them better gradually.
It’s a simple principle really, but, too often, people miss this stage as they try to advance a relationship forward too quickly. They want a boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, husband, or wife, which are good goals to have, but they want it too fast. They want a relationship with these titles without laying the groundwork first, the foundation necessary to sustain it.
Consider the following timeline instead. Go on a first date with an open mind. Get to know your match, and, if you like them, become friends. Second date: similar deal. Keep getting to know your match. Do activities together. Learn more about each other’s common interests, backgrounds, values, and long-term relationship goals. In other words, learn who they are as a person.
Remember, in any lasting relationship, your partner is also supposed to be your best friend. Therefore, you cannot expect a relationship to stand the test of time and whatever else life throws at it without being friends. This principle holds for people you meet anywhere, not only online.
What about the dreaded friend zone?
Not to worry. You don’t need to stay “just friends” with a match for months or years before moving into a romance. Building a foundation of friendship need not take too long: once your friendship is established and you begin to develop a sense of emotional intimacy, a romance can soon follow.
If, on the other hand, signs of a romance seem to be taking a long time, well, you might very well have entered the friend zone. In that case, I would tell you to look for someone else to fill the role of a loving partner in your life. That doesn’t mean you can’t keep your new friend around. You can. But with one caveat: you lose the expectation of your friendship becoming more.
What about friends with benefits?
If you’re unfamiliar with the term, a friend with benefits is the description used for two friends who engage in sexual activity together in a non-exclusive manner without (theoretically) having romantic feelings for one another. I say theoretically because engaging in a sexual relationship while remaining detached emotionally, especially for women, is extremely difficult.
Someone usually winds up developing feelings — and expectations — the other person is unable or unwilling to meet. I don’t recommend it, especially if your true intention is to find a long-term relationship or marriage.
The study results support my point. At first glance, it could provide false hope to someone in a friends-with-benefits situation who’s looking for more. But, on closer examination, the study does explain that a friends with benefits relationship rarely transitions into a traditional romantic relationship.
As the research suggests, the friends-to-lovers pathway is forged through deep emotional intimacy. Platonic friends realize their attraction to each other and mutually agree to enter a committed relationship. Such a connection doesn’t often develop in a friend with benefits type situation due to the rules the parties usually establish at the outset of this type of engagement and the understanding they have. Catching feelings is a no-no.
Final thoughts...
Part of what helps us choose our friends is that they fit into our lives, their interests are similar to ours, and we like them. Hopefully, these are the same criteria you would use to describe a romantic partner.
It should go without saying that first becoming friends with a romantic interest won’t guarantee you’ll enter a relationship together, or if you do that, it will turn into the relationship you envision. However, thinking about a person you’re interested in as a friend can help ensure you’re thinking with your head and not just your heart — something any good friend would advise you to do.