Typically, we hear of partners who are unwilling to take interest in their partner’s hobbies. However, there’s a flip side, which is having a partner who wants to participate in your hobby, but you don’t want them to.
It may seem strange at first thought, considering how some people actually ask that their partners participate in their hobbies with them. In partnerships, after all, you should want to share your life with your partner, including your passions, which can manifest tangibly as hobbies.
Still, you find yourself in the situation of having a partner who wants to participate in your hobby, at a level that is more than the bare minimum, yet you aren’t keen on the idea. But why? Spoiler alert: The reason may not be “bad,” nor do they have to mean the end of your relationship.
To find out what your reluctance means, here are a few questions to ask yourself.
Why don’t I want to share my hobby with my partner?
The first answer that comes to mind is that your hobby is your thing, meaning you do it alone. Some people are more extroverted than others, and your hobby may function as an outlet to give a more introverted person like yourself some space to recharge and unwind. Even for a more extroverted person, everyone needs at least a little bit of time to be on their own and practice self-care.
Space is healthy in a relationship, to a degree. When partners have the ability to part ways for a period and do their own thing, they can have something new to say when they return to each other. Furthermore, space allows partners to maintain a sense of individuality within the relationship. Too little space can be problematic over time because it may make you feel smothered, and too much space would defeat the sense of dependability necessary in a relationship entirely.
What purpose in my life does my hobby serve?
Are you and your partner spending every minute of every day together, and your hobby is your one outlet to be alone? Or is it that, whenever you have free time, you choose to participate in your hobby over spending quality time with your partner?
If your reasoning for not wanting your partner to share in your hobby is that you want to have something that is just for you, and you believe that you’re giving your partner plenty of time and attention, talk it through. Communicate with them that you need a bit of time for just yourself and that you will still do plenty of other activities with them.
How much time am I devoting to my hobby?
Next, you need to ask yourself how much time you’re devoting to your hobby. Is it just an hour at the end of the night to yourself, or do you devote entire weekends to your hobby? It may be the case that you’re not spending enough time with your partner, and the reason they’re asking to participate in your hobby with you is that they want to see more of you.
We only have 24 hours in a day but infinite hours worth of things we want to do. So we have to make choices, including spending time with our partner or participating in our hobby. That said, a hobby shouldn’t be an all-or-nothing proposition.
Relationships are about compromise, which means, in the example of a film buff, instead of having the time to watch movie marathons every weekend, you may only watch one film a week. This may not sound like the answer hobby enthusiasts would like to hear, but if you choose your hobby over your partner, your partner most likely will not stick around for very long.
What are my relationship priorities?
Hobbies and relationships can and do successfully coexist, but as soon as hobbies get in the way of quality time between partners, relationship trouble may follow because consistently choosing a hobby over your relationship suggests that you value that hobby more than your partner. So, in the situation of not wanting your partner to participate in your hobby, you may need to ask yourself more broad questions about the nature of your relationship, such as: Do I truly want to be in my relationship? Or, Am I emotionally unavailable?
The answer to these questions may not be a simple yes or no. You may like your partner a lot as a person and enjoy hanging out with them, but you may not necessarily value being in a relationship to the same extent as some of your hobbies. You simply may not be willing to commit that much time to a relationship and instead may have different priorities, including your hobbies.
Final thoughts …
Emotional unavailability can come in many forms, including not having the time for a relationship, and may even reveal itself in your unwillingness to share a hobby with your partner. It can feel strange to reach the realization that you may not want that serious of a relationship or want one with a particular person.
A partner who doesn’t give you space can be detrimental as well. Regardless, being aware of your long-term goals and communicating them with your partner are both key to any successful relationship.