Many women are still asking whether or not they should downplay their success to make themselves more desirable to potential partners. Despite great strides in achieving gender equality over the past several decades, the construct that posits men as superior and women as subordinate persists. As a result, this question pops up time after time, often giving rise to much debate, even though it is ultimately harmful.
Although these patriarchal ideas cause social and personal harm, some women still consider minimizing their professional accomplishments appealing and less threatening to (potential) partners. However, in the long run, this is detrimental to the long-term success of a relationship and to the material well-being of the woman downplaying her success. But to curtail this type of behavior, it is first necessary to understand why women engage in it in the first place.
Fear of Intimidating Potential Partners
Many women may fear that their success could intimidate potential partners. A 2013 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that men could feel threatened by successful women, especially if their achievements surpassed their own. More specifically, women’s success made their male relationship partners feel worse about themselves. Despite equal success, their partners’ relative success made them think they had failed. Women, on the other hand, remained unaffected by their partners’ successes or failures.
In a 2017 study published in the American Economic Review, researchers found that women downplayed achievements and goals when observed by peers, specifically by single male peers. The women in the study perceived moves and goals that would better their careers as worsening their relationship prospects and, as such, didn’t engage in behavior they perceived would make them appear less desirable.
These findings should not serve as a prescription for women’s actions. It’s important to remember that a relationship built on mutual respect and equality is far healthier and more fulfilling than one built on fear. Fear of intimidating a potential partner might make a woman downplay her success. Still, such behavior could lead to resentment and inauthenticity over time, resulting in an unhealthy relationship and a poor self-image for the woman.
Societal Pressure and Stereotypes
Societal pressures and stereotypes communicate to women to be or act less successful than their partner to be the “ideal woman.” The ideal woman is passive, submissive, and non-threatening to her partner’s success. This stereotype can pressure women to downplay their achievements, making them believe they need to do so to get a partner.
Even though some aspects of machismo can be “positive,” such as the idea that women should be cherished by their men, when taken too far, it can become a form of benevolent sexism, implying that women need help or protection and lack the ability to be independent or successful on their own. Embedded in this stereotype is the idea that women should not be high-achievers and that their success is less important than their partner’s.
This attitude can negatively impact a woman’s perception of the relationship she’s in with a man and negatively affects her sense of self. A 2014 study in Psychology of Women Quarterly found that when women endorsed benevolent sexism, they were less likely to be satisfied with or hold positive attitudes toward their marriage.
It is, therefore, crucial for women to challenge the idea that they cannot be the driver of their success. Instead, women should pursue relationships and partners that support their accomplishments, not minimize or ignore them.
Catering to Male Ego and Traditional Gender Roles
The assumption that men’s egos cannot handle successful women is still prevalent, pushing some women to understate their achievements. This assumption, in turn, continues to put men in a position of superiority and prioritizes their feelings over those of women in relationships. Though it should go without saying, it bears repeating: Male ego should not be the priority at the expense of women’s self-esteem and professional success.
Though the 2013 study mentioned earlier did find that men had lower rates of self-esteem when their partner was as or more successful as they were, their satisfaction with the relationship was higher when their wives or girlfriends were more successful. In other words, a relationship or marriage is healthier when women don’t downplay their accomplishments; men’s self-esteem does not hinder the overall health of the relationship or the women’s success.
Another issue; society has traditionally characterized men as breadwinners. As a result, their egos might be hurt when they aren’t the sole breadwinner in their relationship. A 2016 study in the American Sociological Review found that while there has been a decrease in viewing women as homemakers, the ideology that imagines men as breadwinners continues to persist.
The good news is that women’s work or financial independence does not predict divorce. But a man’s unemployment does. So once again, it is clear that the issue is not women’s success alone but the problem of the male ego coupled with the idea that men should be breadwinners. This societal norm in a marriage can ultimately lead to lower marital satisfaction and higher divorce rates.
Final thoughts …
Modern relationships thrive on equality and mutual respect. Consequently, if traditional gender roles are kept alive in the marriage to try and keep the male ego afloat, the relationship will likely suffer.
Downplaying one’s achievements should never be a strategy to attract a partner. Women have made enormous strides in their professional lives, and their success should be a source of pride, not embarrassment. The best relationships are those in which partners celebrate each other’s success, support each other’s ambitions, and work together to build a shared life.
Because marriage is a partnership, having two successful partners strengthens a relationship. Therefore, women looking for a partner should not ask whether or not they should downplay their success to be desirable to men. Rather, they should pursue relationships with men who respect and celebrate women’s success as much as women respect their own and that of the men they choose to be with and love.