Gaslighting is a form of manipulation in which someone deliberately tries to make you question your reality. It is typically seen with significant others and family members, but it can also occur between friends and even in the workplace. Gaslighting in any relationship is deeply problematic, as it is a sign that you are being victimized, specifically, emotionally abused.
This form of emotional abuse can appear in a variety of forms. The gaslighter may minimize your feelings, telling you you are overreacting to an issue. They may question your memory, deny that an event occurred, fabricate new details, and even spin the event in question to place you at the point of blame. Alternatively, the gaslighter may claim not to remember the event at all.
If you try to have a discussion with a gaslighter about something that happened, they may likewise refuse to do so or claim that you are trying to confuse them. And, if you do manage to get your point across, they may suddenly change the subject. In conversations with others, they may claim that you are forgetful and unable to recall events correctly or tend to make things up, tarnishing your credibility.
So how do you protect yourself against such an individual? Here is what you need to know about gaslighting and how not to be a victim of it.
Why do people gaslight?
The person gaslighting you wants you to doubt yourself and feel unsure about reality. The purpose of gaslighting you is to protect their image. It enables them to maintain power and control over you in your relationship, degrading your self-esteem and ability to perceive the world, including their abusive behaviors, as well as preventing you from being able to hold them accountable for their wrongdoing.
People who gaslight may lack the ability to introspect or reflect upon their emotions. Although it may not seem so, they may have low self-esteem themselves. However, while some people gaslight consciously, others may not realize they are, as they have been doing it for so long that the behavior just feels natural to them.
Gaslighting can be difficult to recognize.
Gaslighting starts small at first and eventually snowballs into a regular occurrence. Gaslighting is a repeated form of manipulation with the intended goal of making you doubt yourself and your perception of reality. So, in the isolated instances of talking to someone who disagrees with your opinion, it is important to recognize that this person may not necessarily be gaslighting you, even if they are highly critical of you. Divergent opinions and disagreement can be a healthy part of relationships. The difference is its regularity and your awareness of how the behavior looks and makes you feel.
To identify gaslighting in your relationship, ask yourself how you are feeling in your specific situation. Are you experiencing extreme doubt in yourself as a result of someone else’s treatment of you? Are you having trouble making decisions for yourself? Do you wonder if your skin is too thin as if you are being made to feel upset over nothing? Do you feel upset and confused or not like your normal self? Do you feel as though you are constantly apologizing even when you are confident you did nothing wrong? Are you avoiding your friends, family, and other people you care about and who care about you because you don’t know quite how to explain your situation?
If your answer to many of these questions is yes, you are likely experiencing some form of gaslighting. The next question to ask yourself is thus, what are you going to do about it?
How should you deal with gaslighting?
First, you want to remain calm, as showing emotion over the situation can give the gaslighter further leverage over you. Additionally, emotions can cloud perception, and you are already in a situation where your truth is being questioned. Therefore, you want to maintain an objective outlook on reality.
To that end, try to find a way to physically distance yourself from the situation in which you are being victimized, such as removing yourself physically. If you can, leave the room. Go for a walk. Drive away. Do anything you can to get away so you can collect yourself. If this is not possible, then try to apply meditative techniques to keep yourself calm.
Once you are in a safe space physically and emotionally, you need to accumulate tangible evidence that your partner cannot speak against or claim you made up. Your credibility has been tarnished by your partner’s regular gaslighting already, so you need a way to build a case for yourself to corroborate everything you say. Your partner can try to deny your words, but it is harder to do with actual proof.
Helpful pieces of evidence may include written correspondence, such as texts or emails, with dates and times. A good rule of thumb is to write down oral conversations you have had to the best of your recollection, quoting if possible. Record your conversations if legal, as some states are a one-party consent state for recording while others require two-party consent. Finally, take photos of any property your partner may have damaged.
When this person does try to gaslight you again, speak up. They are trying their best to lower your confidence, so you must do whatever you can to preserve it. You need to demonstrate that their gaslighting is not working on you and that you believe in yourself, not them. No more second-guessing and over-analyzing what was once obvious to you.
At the same time, focus on taking care of yourself. Practice your favorite self-care techniques, and remind yourself that you are not going crazy and can perceive reality just fine. Be sure to eat and sleep well, too, so you are feeling your best mentally and physically. Some helpful self-care techniques include meditation, exercising, spending time with friends and family, writing in a journal, and engaging in your favorite hobbies and pastimes.
Final thoughts …
If you are the victim of gaslighting, seek the support of your loved ones, and ask them about events your partner has called into question to give yourself a foothold in reality. Additionally, seeking professional help from a therapist can help you sort through your emotions and develop strategies to overcome your partner’s gaslighting, as gaslighting is a distinct form of emotional abuse. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, if the behavior persists, even if they attend therapy or you attend therapy together as a couple, distance yourself from them or leave the relationship altogether. You deserve better.