There has been a lot of conversation post-pandemic about people who are “quietly quitting” their jobs, or at least thinking about it. If you're unfamiliar with the term, when you quietly quit your job, you still show up for work but come with a commitment to yourself to only do what your job description requires to keep yourself employed. No more, no less. Unfortunately, the result for those who quietly quit is generally a demonstratable lack of enthusiasm for the position, a subtle refusal to put in extra effort when asked, and an unwillingness to seek out additional projects or hours to impress the powers that be.
Though quietly quitting is a less obvious way for employees to express their dissatisfaction with the pre-pandemic status quo, which favored a work-life balance with an emphasis on the work part, employers are taking notice. Why? They can see and feel the difference in not only output but attitude. The same holds in relationships.
Romantic partners may quietly quit their relationships, as described in this recent article from the New York Post, gradually becoming complacent about their partners but not pulling the plug. It seems to happen slowly at first and can look like this: Your partner stops doing the little things that make you feel loved and important. Then they stop doing the bigger things, like spending time with you. Indeed, it can feel like you're single, although you’re still in a committed relationship.
The emotional neglect you face as a result can be devastating. However, when you confront your partner about the issue, they may say they’re just busy. They may claim they don’t want to break up if you press them, that everything is fine. But you know there’s more to their behavior and want to understand why. If this sounds familiar to you, read on.
Why is my partner quietly quitting emotionally on me?
To help explain why some people may quietly quit their relationships, it’s helpful to first look at why people quietly quit their jobs because the reasons aren’t all that different. For example, people quietly quit their jobs because they’re stuck in a toxic work environment or have a horrible boss, causing them to stop caring about their work.
However, because these individuals need a paycheck, and it doesn’t seem like there are any promising job prospects for them at the moment, or they don’t feel like putting in the effort to go through a job search, they stay. That is, at least until their boss puts them out of their misery by letting them go, after which they have no choice but to search for a new job. Yet another reason for staying is they haven’t decided for sure that they want to quit because maybe they’re worried the grass may not be greener somewhere else.
In relationships where one partner quietly quits, the complacent partner may similarly have one foot in the door and the other foot out. This behavior invariably makes their partner a placeholder until someone better comes along, they take the leap and make the break themselves with no one waiting in the wings, or the neglected partner does them a favor and kicks them to the curb.
In the meantime, the quietly quitting partner continues to gain the benefits of being in a relationship, putting in only the minimum effort to get what they need. Yet, at the same time, their mind wanders, and their eyes look elsewhere. Of course, they don’t want their partner in the way a partner in a healthy relationship should, but they don’t want to be alone, so they stick it out for the time being.
The unfortunate part is that all too often, the neglected partner tries harder, at least at first, and puts more of themselves into the relationship to return to that sweet spot when they first felt a spark. But, unfortunately, when that doesn’t work, the neglected partner pulls away too, causing the relationship to devolve further, perhaps end.
Both partners can probably agree that they each deserve better, with one person usually wanting to try making it better, i.e., the person who’s not quietly quitting. So, short of ending the relationship and in the interest of saving it, what can be done to prevent a partner from quietly quitting their relationship?
What can I do to stop my partner from quietly quitting our relationship?
The first step is to speak up and tell your partner how you’re feeling, specifically that you’re feeling neglected and your needs aren’t being met. That said, don’t cast blame. Instead, use language that begins with “I” rather than “You,” as in “I feel,” not “You make me feel.”
After that, your job is to listen to your partner’s responses, gauge them against what you believe to be accurate, consider what role you may have played in causing their behavior, and seek to make changes to your own actions (if that’s how you decide to proceed). You may also want to come out and ask your partner if they would like to end the relationship. If they say no, that they would like to stay and work on it with you, you need to commit to this process together.
However, if you find over time that your partner’s words don’t match their actions, that they’re still complacent about you and the relationship, you need to be clear about your path. The worst thing you can do is cling harder to your partner because, just as in physics, where every action has an equal and opposite reaction, so, too, will your partner, with them likely pulling further away. At this point, there’s one thing you can do, and that is to leave the relationship.
Final thoughts …
Healthy relationships are satisfying for both partners. No one should feel their partner is quietly quitting on them, and no one should feel complacent about the partner they’re dating. If you believe you’ve become complacent about dating in general and that quietly quitting relationships is a pattern, perhaps you’re suffering from dating burnout and either need a break or a new approach to picking your partners.
Regardless, if either scenario is the case, the relationship should end, and both you and your partner should move on to find someone special who will fulfill you. Not all relationships are meant to last. So take your cues and free yourself to find one that will.