Pre-Date Questions: COVID-19 Edition

It doesn't take the gift of foresight to recognize COVID-19 is here to stay for the foreseeable future. I don't mean to sound pessimistic, as I like to think of myself as a glass-half-full type of person, but I also consider myself a realist. Meaning I believe we still need to find a way to live our lives and move on, incorporating the existence of coronavirus into our new reality. 

As a matchmaker, I understand the importance of factoring coronavirus into dating. Not from an, "Oh, it's all temporary" physical-contact moratorium type of mindset, but from a practical, "How can we minimize risk while optimizing happiness" perspective. 

In a pre-COVID world, I offered my clients a list of questions to ask their matches before going on a date, many of which were rooted in maintaining personal safety.  

Now, that list needs to be modified to adjust to our current (and future) reality. The purpose of these questions is still a matter of safety. But my additions focus on a different type — physical health. Below is a list of coronavirus-related questions I suggest asking before a first date. 

Have you ever had COVID-19? 

Let's start with the most straightforward possible question: whether or not your match has ever contracted COVID-19. And if so, when was that?  

Asking pointed questions like this one help you discern your date's level of risk or likelihood of coming down with the virus. That said, there's still much debate surrounding how previous exposure impacts the possibility of future infection.  

Consider following up with inquiries about your match's history with COVID-19 testing, including the COVID-19 antibody test, and whether they would be willing to have either before meeting you in person. 

What is your current risk of exposure to COVID-19? 

This question is broad, but asking it can result in a variety of valuable answers that could impact your decision about whether or not to meet in person.  

Your match might be an essential worker or have a family member or roommate who is. Or maybe your match has recently traveled to a coronavirus hotspot.  

Regardless, the question leaves you with a way to learn about your match's daily life without having to ask vague or intrusive questions like, "How do you spend your free time" or "What do you do for a living?" 

Do you take social distancing measures? 

I like this question because it also gives you insight into your match's personality and values. It could likewise be a jumping-off point for a discussion about the seriousness of mask usage and the size of this person's immediate social circle (who they see regularly and is important in their lives). Or whether this person is comfortable leaving their house to go to a restaurant, the grocery store, or, if things go well, to meet you in person.  

Ultimately, this question can show you how much regard your match has for the health and well-being of other people. These qualities are all essential to learn when starting to date someone, COVID-19 or not. 

When was the last time you went on a date? 

This question takes things back to the realm of pre-COVID-19 dating. While it serves to specify the potential exposure your match has had, it also tells you how your match has been approaching COVID-19 from a romantic perspective. Has your match been dating around? Has your match just gotten out of a relationship?  

A silver lining of the pandemic, if there is one, is having a particular reason to ask this earnest, often uncomfortable question early on in the dating process. 

Would you wear a face mask during sex? 

Kidding, not kidding. According to researchers at Harvard University, sex could potentially spread coronavirus. One of the proposed measures couples could take to mitigate the risk of COVID-19 transmission is to wear face masks during sex.  

If you're comfortable, you could ask your match what he or she would think of taking such a measure, and from there, have a cheeky conversation to break the ice. Which COVID-19 or not is something every dater hopes to do. 

Do Men Overestimate Women’s Interest in Them?

When you're looking at online profiles and come across what you would call the "perfect match," and, especially, once you get to talking and dating, do you ever have the feeling this person is into you, too? Or, conversely, when you're uninterested, do you automatically conclude this person isn't into you either? If you can relate, you're in good company. Hollywood even made the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" based on Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo's book with the same title about the uncertainty we feel and misconceptions we have when dating. 

Researchers have taken an interest in this phenomenon, as well. For a long time, they have documented in various studies that men tend to overestimate women's sexual interest in them. However, researchers cannot pinpoint the exact reason why this seems to be the case. One such theory has been that men's overinflated perception of female interest functioned as an evolutionary adaptation: it's only logical that men who overestimate women's sexual interest are more likely to survive and reproduce. Because a man who thinks a woman is interested in him is more likely to pursue her than a man who believes she's disinterested. 

Furthermore, studies have demonstrated the phenomenon of men overestimating women's sexual interest, as well as the inverse phenomenon of women underestimating men's sexual interest. Researchers also suggested this pattern functioned as an evolutionary adaptation: just as men benefit from overestimating women's sexual interest, women benefit from underestimating men's sexual interest. If a woman chooses the wrong man to trust, she loses more in the long run than the woman who holds out for the right man. 

However, some researchers have noticed that the difference between the sexes becomes insignificant when they take factors such as an individual's sociosexual orientation (defined as the willingness to engage in sexual activity outside a committed relationship) and his or her own level of sexual interest into consideration as a reason why different individuals rate their potential partners' sexual interest the way they do. These findings challenge the long-held notion of evolutionary adaptation being the driving factor in why men overestimate women's sexual interest, and women underestimating men's sexual interest. 

In a new study published in Psychological Science, researchers recruited 1,226 participants, 586 men and 640 women with a median age of 19, all of whom identified as heterosexual, not in a serious relationship, and willing to answer questions about their sexual history honestly. After completing a questionnaire of their rated attractiveness and demographic information, participants met members of the opposite sex, had a three-minute conversation, and rated the person they paired with for various traits. The researches then asked the participants to rank the perceived sexual interest of their partners. 

The researchers found that there was not a significant correlation between the gender of the participant and the ranking of the partner's perceived sexual interest, as previously theorized. Instead, the participants' own sexual interest was significant in determining the sexual interest of partners. In other words, the researchers concluded that people tend to harbor the following bias: "I like you, so you must like me." 

As a matchmaker, I find this conclusion groundbreaking because it challenges the notion that there's an inherent difference between men and women and how they perceive each other's interest on a societal scale. Instead, the study puts many assumptions that matchmakers such as myself would believe to be intuitive, such as the tendency to view dating on a macro level, under the microscope. More specifically, as the study suggests, the questionable belief that men, in general, will assume women they like are into them.  

Taking into consideration this new perspective, I additionally look at matches from the micro-level. Meaning, I analyze the way my clients rank the potential attraction of matches, and from there, better gauge both my clients' and their matches' possible interest. By factoring in clients' cognitive bias of attraction (if a client appears predisposed to believing a match shares the same romantic or sexual interest), as a third party, I offer a clearer image of a match's viability and help my clients achieve their long-term romantic goals. 

Using cutting-edge psychology, I prepare my clients to take the dating world by storm while also helping them improve their self-awareness. If my clients feel inclined to come on too strong (or not strong enough), they're able to press the pause button and reassess the situation: is he/she into me, just not that into me, or am I projecting? From there, my clients can act accordingly — match or move on — this time, from a position of confidence and strength, by far the best predictor for relationship success of all. 

Do You Play Hard to Get or Date People Who Do? A New Study Explains Why

Have you ever been in a budding relationship and know your match is interested in you but inexplicably acts aloof?

You both want a romance with each other, but, for whatever reason, this person makes you work extra hard to earn their attention by dropping little nuggets of interest. Or you're the one who makes a romantic prospect work for your affection, waiting a deliberate amount of time before responding to a call or text or saying you already have plans when you don't.

You've heard this behavior described as playing hard to get, and, too often, it's an unavoidable part of the "dating game." But whether you're the one playing hard to get or pursuing someone who is, the problem is engaging in this kind of behavior is not always fun. So why do people do it? 

In the recent study, "Who plays hard-to-get and who finds it attractive? Investigating the role of attachment style," researchers focus on attachment style to explain which type of behavior daters exhibit.

In psychology, attachment theory suggests young children must have a relationship with at least one caregiver to foster healthy emotional development. Children fall into two categories: secure and insecure, with the latter further divided into anxious and avoidant. Which attachment style children form comes from the parent's sensitivity to the child and his or her needs.

In classic attachment studies, researchers test how infants respond when their parent leaves the room for a few minutes. A securely attached child freely roams around the room with the parent present, gets upset when the parent leaves, and cheers up when the parent returns.

Conversely, an anxiously attached child is usually less willing to explore the room even when the parent is present, may become extremely distressed when the parent leaves, and ambivalent when the parent returns. As the theory stands, the behavioral pattern results from unpredictable responsive caregiving.

An avoidantly attached child would respond to the situation by ignoring the parent, whether the parent stays or leaves the room, and would not explore the room. This response may be the result of the parent not regularly meeting the child's emotional needs.

Attachment theory in children may translate to the way people form relationships as adults. As adults, the once securely attached child would be the most likely to form stable relationships. The once anxiously attached child would be the most likely to experience difficulties with intimacy. And the once avoidant child the most likely to be so independent that he or she becomes hesitant to form emotional attachments to others altogether. So what does the research say about attachment theory and playing hard to get?

Across four experiments, the researchers found that those with an avoidant attachment style are more likely to play hard to get. In contrast, those exhibiting anxious attachments are more willing to pursue someone who plays hard to get. Both results suggest a correlation between attachment style and playing hard to get.

In the first experiment, the data showed that people with an avoidant attachment style tend to play hard to get, especially women. In the second study, the data showed people with an anxious attachment style tend to pursue people who play hard to get, and is more common among men.

In the two other experiments, researchers manipulated the variable of attachment. They found that among a pool of heterosexual men only, those exhibiting avoidant attachment are more likely to play hard to get. In contrast, those exhibiting anxious attachment are more likely to pursue someone playing hard to get.

As a matchmaker who curates matches for my clients based on a unique formula I developed, which includes balancing specific criteria I know after almost 30 years in the business leads to happy, sustainable relationships, I find attachment theory intriguing. The relationship children have with their parents is essential to the way they develop into adults. Therefore, it makes sense to pick matches with a similar enough upbringing to foster mutual understanding.

That said, I'm hesitant to place too much emphasis on attachment theory. Yes, attachment theory functions as a broad archetype of how some parenting methods impact a child's development or ability to be emotionally intimate. But real life is more complicated than merely categorizing whether an individual has formed insecure or secure attachments; everyone has a story that has contributed to who they are far beyond the relationship they shared with their parents.

So, in the event you're pursuing a person playing hard to get or being pursued because you are, it could mean you or the object of your affection is insecurely attached. Correlation is not causation. There could still also be an unknown third factor — and third reason — that should cause you to ask the most important question of all:

Why am I dating someone who doesn't make me feel good?

And move on to someone who does.

Me-ow-ch: New Study Reveals Bias Against Men With a Cat in Their Online Dating Profile

It's bad news for cat owners, male cat owners, that is. A new study from the College of Veterinary Medicine and Biomedical Sciences at Colorado State University reveals that women are less likely to swipe right on a guy holding a cat in his online dating profile.

The purr-pose of the study was to determine whether women consider men more attractive when they post photos of themselves with a cat or by themselves. Researchers conducted the study with past studies in mind, which suggested pet owners are more attractive than non-pet owners. Since most of the previous studies involved dogs, researchers hypothesized that women would find cat owners more attractive than non-cat owners.

Much to the chagrin of cat lovers, however, researchers found that women don't perceive male cat owners as attractive compared to their non-cat owner counterparts. It's unexpected, if you ask me, as I think cats are rather cool. However, the data didn't agree with me: more women viewed male cat owners as less masculine and dateable, albeit more neurotic, open, and agreeable.  

As a matchmaker, the significant difference in the way women perceive men with cats raises the question of whether men should be forthcoming about their feline friends. Should a man lie about (or not mention) his cat in his online dating profile if it's, as it appears from the study, a dealbreaker for a significant margin of women?

My instinct is always to tell the truth about yourself and not be misleading, especially when it comes to dating. So I must disavow actively lying about aspects of your identity, including owning a cat. After all, you can't build a relationship based on lies. Even a seemingly innocuous lie, such as saying you don't have a cat when you do, could shatter the foundation of trust in your relationship when, ahem, you finally let the cat out of the bag.

However, I don't think you need to decorate your profile picture with cat photos, either. I often use online dating in conjunction with matchmaking, so I like to draw parallels between online dating profiles and meeting for the first time in real life. Picture the situation: you are a male cat owner, and you're at a bar. You meet a woman, and what is the first thing that comes out of your mouth? Probably not, "I have a cat!"

It's more likely the situation would play out with you revealing organically in a conversation that you, indeed, own a cat. On the other hand, actively hiding that you have a cat is a red flag and suggests pet ownership may not be the only thing about which you're lying. When it comes to online dating, I don't believe you must disclose that you own a cat in your profile like you would your single status, but I think cat ownership is a relevant detail you should be forthcoming about when you start dating.

If, after reading this study, you still want to include a picture of you with your cat in your online dating profile, then more power to you. Go for it. Owning a cat doesn't mean no woman will want to go out with you, only ones who dislike cats or, cat-egorically, hate them, in which case you wouldn't want to date those women anyway. 

Whether you like dogs, cats, or pistachio ice cream, your online dating profile should be an accurate representation of who you are. If owning a cat is an integral part of your identity that you'd like to share, you should be proud to share it. Not to mention, Jon Arbuckle, Garfield's owner, met the love of his life as a result of cat ownership—he first dated veterinarian, Dr. Liz Wilson, in the comic strip and got engaged to her in the live-action film, "Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties," years later.

Who knows, the purr-fect Hollywood ending may be in store for you, too. 

Here’s Why You May Be Suffering From Dating Burnout

It’s human nature to notice patterns. You see patterns in all aspects of your life—in what you eat, how you dress, and, if you’ve chosen to read this article, how you date. Swipe right on a dating profile, text for about a week or so (which is more time-intensive than you’d think), plan a date, meet, see each other for a little while, and then…start again. Maybe you found that you and your match have different long-term goals, your work schedules don’t coincide, or you never felt a spark between you. Whatever the reason, the result is the same: you invested too much time, and now the relationship is over. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Our ability to notice patterns has a downside. We love patterns—until we hate them. When we do the same thing over and over again, we get bored. We get frustrated, especially when dating online. Eventually, every swipe and message feels like a chore, like making your bed or doing the dishes. You keep dating, but the expended energy always amounts to nothing. Here you are, swiping and swiping, however many weeks, months, even years later. You think, what’s the point?

If this sounds all too familiar to you, you may be suffering from dating burnout. The problem is dating burnout creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. The longer you feel burned out, the longer you date unsuccessfully, leading to even more fatigue. So how do you break the pattern? Ask yourself these three questions first.

Does your dating pendulum swing left or right?

When you’re first out of a relationship, marriage, or are widowed, you’re healing. Too often, though, the knee-jerk response is to date before you’re ready. You either date fast and furious, matching and dating everyone in sight without rhyme or reason (pendulum right). Or do the opposite: dip your toe in the dating pool ever so slightly and get nothing in return (pendulum left).

While these extremes seem to be at odds with one another, what they have in common is that each increases the risk of dating burnout. With either approach, you get little reward, if any, in return. What you get, instead, is further pain. That’s no reason to date. Dating should be exciting because it’s filled with possibilities. If your pendulum is swinging too far in either direction, you’re sure to miss them. 

Are you a sure and steady dater?

Once you’ve taken the time to heal, how will you know you’re ready to date again? The truth is no one will ever be 100 percent ready, but you do need to have your head on your shoulders and not be overly emotional. This way, you can read the signs. Is this person right or wrong for me? Am I able to spot red flags? Most importantly, am I willing to walk away from red flags? Or am I so desperate for attention and love that I’ll overlook which qualities in a match are most important to me?

One way to check yourself is to write your prospective dating profile out on a piece of paper. Are you talking about yourself as you are today? Do you recognize this person? If you feel confident in the way you sound on paper and that you’re ready to look for your match with purpose, then it might be time for you to put that profile to work online. But not before asking yourself the most important question of all.

Are you vulnerable in your head or your heart?

When you’re damaged, you’re vulnerable in your head, which keeps your heart closed to others. It’s dangerous because it means you have low self-esteem. You harbor the belief you’re somehow inferior and unlovable. You date down. You settle, which only leads to more heartache.

When you’re vulnerable in your heart but not your head, you’re willing to weigh and take a calculated emotional risk. You know how to date multiple people to find what you want and understand the numbers are on your side. You know limiting choices only leads to settling, and it’s smart to be methodical and compare. Best of all, with your vulnerabilities in check, you have the strength to walk away from the wrong person because your heart is open to meeting the right person. 

Final words

Dating is about balance. Though putting yourself out there is always a risk, you can make it a calculated one. So when you do fall, it will be in love, and into the open arms of someone who loves you.

Good News for Sports Fans: They Get More Attention Online, Says New Study

Forget politics — Trump who? Which sports team you root for could actually be the detail in your dating profile that pulls you apart or, even better, brings you together. While writing a client’s dating profile for her last week after she filled out my lifestyle questionnaire and we discussed at length what she’s looking for in a partner, she suggested I mention her bravado for college football, specifically her love of Michigan football. “There is nothing like going to a Michigan football game in the big house,” she explained to me. And she would like nothing more than to find a guy who is interested in cheering the team on with her. Mission accomplished: I crafted a unique dating profile just for her, beginning with her love for the Wolverines and lack of it (wink, wink) for Buckeyes fans.  

My client, it appears, might be on to something. A recent study conducted by the dating website Zoosk found that dating profiles mentioning certain sports received as much as 111 percent more messages than profiles that didn’t. Though the data provided by Zoosk to the writers over at the datemix didn’t include college sports specifically, a trend was definitely clear: singles connect over sports.  

 According to the study, the most popular sports for online daters was NBA basketball in first place with a 111 percent message increase rate, MLB baseball right behind with a 108 percent increase in messages, and rugby in third with an 86 percent increased rate of messages. The sport that saw the smallest increase in messages was MLS soccer, but even that sport saw a 55 percent increase in messages, which is not insubstantial. 

The takeaway? Regardless of the sport you like, it may be beneficial for you to include it in your online dating bio, as, according to the study, including a favorite sports team may increase your number of messages by a significant margin, even if your sport of choice is less popular than others. That said, if you are not interested in sports, I do not think you should pretend to be someone you are not. In the end, you are searching for your match — hopefully, for the long haul. If someone matches with you for the explicit reason of your sports team of choice and finds out you actually don’t like that sport or sports at all, then it will be much harder for you to cultivate a meaningful relationship, if one at all. Most people aren’t fans of liars, no matter how small the lie and a healthy relationship is only as strong as its foundation. I recommend applying this philosophy to any other aspect of your identity, such as your age, height, religion, or even your favorite songs and movies. 

Your goal should be quality, not quantity. If you are inauthentic in your bio, you may get more first dates, but not as many second dates. However, if you are genuine in your bio, you will inevitably experience more success in making lasting matches, even if you receive fewer total matches. And if you are like my client who happens to be super passionate about Michigan football, then more power to you. Your passion will radiate through your bio and attract other Michigan fans. If not, there is no need to fret. 

The takeaway of this survey is not to make yourself like sports; it is to underscore the reality that interests beyond the fundamental aspects of your identity are assets in creating a compelling bio. Even if you do not like sports, you need to think about what makes you unique and relatable. Sample questions: Favorite book? Movie? Musician? Like the sports survey, I would wager that the case is people who include interests and quirks in their bios are more likely to hit a home run in their match’s mind than those who don’t. So how about getting out there and playing the field? 

Think Coronavirus Had Slowed Cheating? Think Again

Much as we don't like to think about it, cheating is prevalent among American couples. According to a study by the American Psychological Association, infidelity occurs in about 20 percent to 40 percent of American marriages. In other words, one to two couples out of five is involved with a partner who has a wandering eye. But what happens when a pandemic strikes and the ability to cheat becomes hampered?

Thanks to COVID-19 and the resultant social distancing measures presently in place to stop its spread, logic should dictate that cheating is off the table, at least for the time being. After all, how can you cheat on your spouse or partner if you're not supposed to leave the house and must stay at least six feet away from others if you do?

As it appears, counter intuitively, coronavirus has done little to curtail cheating. And it's not like singles didn't already have plenty of reason to worry either. Pre-pandemic, meeting people online already spoken for by someone else or discovering that a trusted partner has engaged or is engaging in some extracurricular activity was commonplace. But when it comes to cheating, where there's a will, there's a way. Not even a global health crisis could stop it.

Paul Keable, Ashley Madison's chief strategy officer, revealed recently in an interview with Venture Beat that the dating site specifically created to facilitate cheating has had an average of 17,000 new users a day as of late March, up from 15,500 new users in 2019. Moreover, the site has reported that 30 percent of women using the site are conducting their affairs digitally, exploring cybersex instead of physical.

Ashley Madison is not the only site to have experienced an increase in usage. Even dating sites not intended for affairs have experienced an uptick in users, possibly married ones. Speaking with InStyle, a New York City female who uses dating apps, reported seeing an increase in men she suspects are married or in a relationship. Whether or not her suspicions are justified, OkCupid does report seeing a 10 percent rise in overall usage and Bumble an 84 percent increase in the use of video chat and call features. At the end of June, Tinder, too, will release a video-chatting feature to help its users date remotely (and privately), leaving single daters with the task of discerning more than ever before which matches are viable, beginning with whether they are available to date in the first place.

As a seasoned matchmaker who has employed online dating as part of my unique hybrid-style search strategy, I have lots of experience vetting matches to ensure they are suitable (and available) to meet my clients' long term goals. In particular, what I have found is that to see a red flag, you have to open yourself up to see it. That's not to say you must go in believing everyone you meet is cheating. No way! To do so would be self-defeating. But what you should do is acknowledge that, especially when couples are sheltering in place, there will be some characters, let's just say, not acting with your best interests at heart. So do your homework! Conduct some online research of your own via Google and social media, and sprinkle in a little old-fashioned Q&A. When you finish, note any inconsistencies you find. Is your match who he or she claims to be?

 Don't be afraid to bounce your findings off of friends, or a professional matchmaker like me, who has pretty much witnessed it all. The most important observation of which is that, even in the worst of times, my extensive client base of eligible women and men in various age groups and locations across the country who are seeking an honest connection shows me that love is out there, waiting for you. The question is: are you ready to put in the work to find it?

The Political Climate Is Hurting Relationships…but for Some More than Others, Says New Study

Preface: our current political climate has become hyperpolarized, and since the 2016 election, this polarization has seeped into dating. Before the election, and in my experience as a matchmaker, few people listed politics as a dealbreaker, instead citing other aspects of a match's identity such as religion, lifestyle, children, and geographic distance. Post-election, however, politics all of a sudden became a yuuge deal. 

 I think this is a tragedy. As a matchmaker, I believe the idea that people fit together like puzzle pieces is misleading. Instead, I think about matchmaking as I do cooking. Some ingredients work better together than others; some come together to create a scrumptious, salivating meal, and others, well, don't. In other words, there is no such thing as being a 100 percent match for somebody else, and that while matches must be compatible, there will always be some issue about which matches must compromise. In the matchmaking industry, that issue has historically been politics. 

 Under the current administration, however, political leaning has become the ultimate dealbreaker for many, which says to me, people could be missing out on an otherwise ideal match. Of course, I respect the wishes of my clients; a dealbreaker is a dealbreaker. But, having worked in the field of matchmaking for almost three decades, I understand it wasn't always the case that people viewed those of the opposing political party as immoral or closed-minded as they do now, according to a new Pew Research study. 

 According to the research, Democrats are less willing to date people who voted for Donald Trump than Republicans willing to date those who voted for Hillary Clinton. The study reveals that 71 percent of Democrats probably or definitely would not consider seriously dating someone who voted for Trump. In comparison, 47 percent of Republicans probably or definitely would not consider dating someone who voted for Hillary. Both of these numbers are significant, meaning that nearly two in four Republicans wouldn't date a Hillary voter, and roughly three in four Democrats wouldn't date a Trump voter. What these statistics amount to are a whole lot of people who won't date each other based on political leaning alone.  

 So, why does this matter? As a matchmaker, I have watched the dating topography change and continually use my observations to fit the needs of my clients. Meaning, with the information—the factual data—I have, I can assess dating trends from a third-person perspective that my clients, who are directly dating, may not be able to, and underscore what effect such patterns can have on their love life. 

 We hear the word "politics" thrown around all the time. But what we don't often do is sit down and think about its etymological origin. The root of this word is "polis," which is Greek for city, community, and, most importantly, citizens. I believe in recent years this meaning has been lost on us: yes, we associate politics with government, but, fundamentally, politics is about people on a micro-level. "We the People" control the government; however, the hyperpartisanship of the government and our country fundamentally comes from within us as individuals. Hence, the rise of people who refuse to date otherwise ideal matches simply because they voted for the opposition candidate. 

 As a matchmaker, I find myself in a peculiar yet unique position of helping to reduce hyperpartisanship in my beloved country. I obviously can't force my clients to date people who voted for the opposite candidate, nor would I want to, but I can at least make my case to them to keep an open mind and consider dating a match of the opposing political party.  

 By doing so, daters could potentially expose themselves to the people behind the views, individuals they may in time grow to care more deeply about after recognizing that having beliefs about particular policies doesn't make someone "bad." They could then take that understanding back to their communities and, from there, change our country for the better by becoming more inclusive and receptive to having thought-provoking and respectful conversations about issues affecting all of us. And, perhaps, be just a little nicer to one other, even when we don't agree. 

No, Coronavirus Will Not Change the Face of Dating

I received a call from one of my clients the other day. More than a month into her state's stay-at-home order as a result of the coronavirus pandemic, she was upset. All she's been reading and hearing about is how singles around the country are having unprecedented success on dating apps and sites and attending virtual meetups and happy hours over Zoom and Google Hangouts. Supposedly, singles all over the place are sharing candlelight dinners, watching movies, and playing Scrabble with their love interests. "Who are these people," she asked me, "because I haven't met them."

My client isn't alone in her frustration. Despite article after article in the media, each depicting a virtual new normal that's here to stay and the implication it's a satisfactory substitute for human contact, this hasn't been the experience for many. It's been the opposite. A friend on social media, cheered on by married friends to virtually "get out there" because it's probably a great time to meet a (soul)mate given we're all a captive audience, said it would seem so, but it hasn't happened. She reported men aren't logging in as much to their usual online dating haunts, and when a conversation does start, it drops off. Without the prospect of being able to meet in person, there doesn't appear to be much incentive.

Another client of mine put out feelers to her Facebook community of singles about pulling together a Zoom mixer, only to face limited interest amid a comment from a single dad about preferring to use the time in quarantine to enjoy his kids rather than date. The reason, I believe, is that no matter how much we want to believe it, there's no replacement for human interaction, even in the short-term. Think about it. When you match online or receive an introduction from a friend or matchmaker, you want to go offline as quickly as possible. You exchange a few emails or texts, talk on the phone once or twice, and then meet in person to see if there's any chemistry. If none exists, you part ways, hopefully, better for the experience. 

However, with all of us in isolation, a necessary response to the current crisis, we must also consider the problems prolonged virtual dating creates for those looking for companionship and, eventually, love. By remaining online too long, you risk creating connections that aren't real or would be worth maintaining if there were no global pandemic. Or you find yourself reaching out to anyone and everyone because you're lonely and bored, then staying connected for the same reasons. Or you begin idealizing a new match because you want them to be everything you desire during this difficult time. It's why I think the single guy who said he preferred focusing on his family rather than attending an online mixer is onto something. Instead of looking to create superficial connections now, he'd rather spend this time strengthening his existing ones, thereby strengthening himself for the long haul, which includes his dating life. 

Coronavirus continues to touch us in ways only a couple of months ago we could have never anticipated. Just last week, my 77-year-old uncle passed away as a result of this horrific illness, prompting me, like everyone else, to even further re-evaluate what it is I want from my life once we emerge from our homes. We have all lost so much because of this experience. But there is one important thing we have gained, and that is time, time to reflect on what is important to us and what will bring depth to our lives.

Don't sell yourself short, settling for what isn't real. The best is still yet to come — if you're patient enough to work and wait for it.

Coronavirus Can Make You a Better Dater. Here's How.

Coronavirus and its accompanying social distancing practices have altered how we date. For now, all relationships are effectively long-distance if you don't live under the same roof. However, some experts are going so far as to claim dating will fundamentally, permanently change once the pandemic ends. The implication is that singles will become different, whether in terms of how they physically relate (including an end to hookup culture) or the type of relationship they will want.

Again, I can see why some dating experts would reach this conclusion. In an earlier blog post, I, too, raised the possibility that people will emerge from isolation more open to commitment. However, to clarify, I raised the possibility. Some people may indeed feel more inclined to settle down following this experience. Others, I believe, may emerge from isolation the same as they were before, eager to make up for lost time. It all depends on what you want.

While COVID-19 has impacted the social climate of our society, I don't believe it has the power to shatter its foundation. External forces can, however, challenge people to change by providing them with opportunity. First, though, you have to want to change. By transforming yourself into the person you always wanted to be, you can become a more likable version of yourself, to others and to you. Now is your chance to improve your life, which can improve your love life in a post-coronavirus world. Here's how.

Evaluate your priorities.

I am not talking about your priorities, as in who you want to date (although it's better to have those priorities in order than not). I am referring to who you want to be as a person. You are stuck at home right now, just you and your thoughts. It can be unpleasant, so try engaging in an internal conversation with yourself. Give your unconscious the chance to reveal itself. I think this is your best bet at figuring out who you are, as well as who you want to be. These two people may be different. The first step of self-improvement is opening yourself up to the idea. The second step is determining which aspects of yourself you hope to improve to achieve an authentic, meaningful sense of happiness.

Fix those aspects of your life that are not making you happy.

People generally don't like to be around miserable people, so if you are unhappy with certain aspects of your life, you may experience difficulties in achieving your matchmaking goals. It makes sense then that while you have the time, you should fix those aspects of your life which are causing you unhappiness. Consider yourself out of excuses. Clean your house, manage your finances, sort out your love life, resolve your family issues, and improve your mental health (if necessary, see a professional online). Do what you need to do to smile and mean it.

Help others.

In the pre-pandemic world, it was easy to remark, "Oh, I should help out more," and then do nothing because we were too busy or someone else's troubles didn't affect us directly. With thousands of lives already lost, that landscape has changed. We are not as busy, nor are any of us insulated from this health crisis. 

Sew masks, raise money for supplies, prepare food, or do whatever else you can think of to aid others. You will feel happier as a result of your beneficence because it is uplifting to do for others. The transformation will likewise make you more appealing to long-term dating prospects simply because you have added depth and meaning to your life.  

Don't use unemployment as an excuse.

In regular times, unemployment is often a deterrent to dating, whether it is because of cash flow issues or low self-esteem or both. But, in the case of the current global pandemic, you won't need to spend money on dates because of the sheer fact you are not supposed to leave your home. Not to mention, unemployment doesn't have quite the same stigma as it does typically. Many people are in the same boat as you, so go easy on yourself if you are unemployed. Honesty is still the best policy. Be raw and open. Make a real connection. 

Give love.

We get what we give in this world, and if you are hoping to find love and affection, that may be just what you need to offer. Consider adopting a pet: nothing teaches you to care about something other than yourself quite like a cat or dog. Plus, adoption will get you off the couch and away from Netflix.

Better yet, consider "adopting" a family or individual who could use a helping hand. Many people are lonely and struggling and in need of compassion and emotional support. By merely picking up the phone, you may, in addition to improving someone's day, discover a lifelong friend who will bring you love and support some time in the future. Should there also exist a need you can meet, such as the preparation of a meal or throwing a few products into your cart during a real or virtual shopping trip, do it. Small gestures can make a huge difference.

Regardless of how you show it, the end goal is love, so why not make the world around you more loving? More than any virus, an overarching sense that we are all connected is what is contagious.

Coronavirus and Dating: What Should You Be Chatting About?

With the continued spread of COVID-19, it seems the world has ground to a halt, and the only thing to talk about is the coronavirus. When you speak to friends, they likely lead with how they are coping with social distancing and staying at home all the time. Honestly, can you blame them? We are in the midst of a crisis.

It seems logical then that while you are talking to a potential match you met online, you should discuss the coronavirus. After all, we are facing this global pandemic together. Every one of us has a unique experience and our take on the matter and, despite claiming to be bored of talking about the coronavirus all the time, can still manage to talk about it endlessly. Don't fall victim to that temptation. 

Build your relationship on a solid foundation. 

The most defining aspect of a crisis is that it reflects a finite moment in time, even though it may not feel like it at the moment. If I was a betting woman, basing your relationship on a crisis and then expecting it to survive once the crisis is over is probably not a good bet. Think of Keanu Reeves' character, Jack, in "Speed." He and Sandra Bullock's character, Annie, are brought together on a hijacked bus. In "Speed 2: Cruise Control," he is nowhere to be found (and not just because the script was so bad). 

Why? The foundation of their relationship was that they experienced a crisis together. But, once the crisis was averted, what did they have in common? What was keeping them together? Not much. It may not look like it right now, but the coronavirus pandemic will not last forever. Eventually, we will flatten the curve, and people will go about our lives.

If you do begin a relationship with someone by bonding over the coronavirus, all may be well and good, as long as you remain in crisis mode, that is. But once the crisis is over, what will be left to keep you together? Are your personalities compatible? What about your interests? Your long-term goals?

Get to know each other.

A better way to approach online dating would be to discuss anything but the coronavirus, except for perhaps a brief initial exchange about what you have been up to while waiting it out. Moving on from it to other topics of conversation can be difficult at first, especially if your match wants to discuss it ad nauseam. But I would make the argument that the first conversations you have are the most critical to the establishment of a relationship. The success of these conversations will determine if you move forward, even if it is over FaceTime, and for how long.

If you and your potential match talk about the coronavirus regularly, it will become the foundation of your relationship; it will be what bonds you together. The problem with doing so is everybody is going through the same crisis, meaning you could establish a relationship with pretty much anybody. And you are not anybody. There's plenty of fish in the sea, but only a few matches suitable for your long-term goals. Even in these tough times, you should be going for quality, not quantity.

Focus on the future.

When social distancing ends, and you do decide to meet in person, discussions about coronavirus will only take you so far, and likely not far. Then what? You have nothing keeping you together, and if you haven't gotten to know each other's likes and dislikes and what you both stand for, at least a little, you may very well find you have nothing in common. After which you — and your match — will be nowhere to be found.

Instead, conduct yourself online as if there is no virus; it only exists to prevent you from meeting up, for the time being, and nothing more. Discuss your long-term goals (about dating and in general) and get to know each other's core personality traits and interests, as you would normally. Give these conversations a chance to grow, along with the possibility of enjoying a healthy relationship beyond the virus.

We have all heard how risky it can be to discuss religion, money, and politics with people we don't know well, including a dating prospect, because we can sound offputting. For now, you should add coronavirus to the list, but not so much because you don't want to offend someone (although you could), but more so because you don't want to establish your relationship on it, only to have it collapse later. 

As we all know, a good relationship is only as strong as its foundation, and with all of our cooperation, we will kick this virus to the curb. So stay safe, healthy, and focused on your future — one with love, not coronavirus, in it. 

Coronavirus Interrupted My New Relationship. What Should I Do?

Set the scene: after scavenging online dating sites and working with a matchmaker such as myself, searching for the person who has the same long term goals as you, you finally find said person. You go out on a few dates, and all is well, and you let yourself think, "Wow. Things are going great. I'm happy!" Then boom, out of nowhere, COVID-19 emerges as a worldwide pandemic, forcing you to self-isolate at home and ask: "What should I do about my new relationship?" Before I advise what you should do, I must first make clear what you shouldn't do.

Do not move in together.

Taking such a significant step so soon in a relationship is a disaster waiting to happen. It is possible one (or both) of you will get spooked by the overwhelming commitment of sharing a living space and being unable to escape considering the demands of social distancing. It is also possible you learn you are incompatible or that you actually can't stand each other. Or worse: that the person you are living with is abusive. Then what? Depending on where you live, you may not be able to leave.

For many people, taking this step is unfeasible anyway. If you have children, for example, you would probably be unable (and, hopefully, unwilling) to relocate your family to move in with someone you do not know that well. What about if you presently share your space with a roommate? Would that person be O.K. with you adding someone new to the household or leaving them high and dry for new digs? 

Even if you don't have children, how exactly would the logistics of moving work? Packing up an entire house or apartment by yourself is extremely difficult under ordinary circumstances. Moreover, depending on your situation, how would you expect to sell, sublet, or re-let your home on short notice and during a pandemic no less? I don't know many real estate agents who would be willing to take the unnecessary risk of visiting strangers' homes or hosting open houses. Virtual tours only go so far. 

In a nutshell, if you are thinking about living together to save your new relationship, stop. For most of us, moving during a pandemic doesn't make sense and, even if you were living in last month's world, moving in with one another would probably have destroyed your relationship anyway because it was too soon. "So, now what?" you ask. "Does this mean the coronavirus will ruin my chance at happiness?" Thankfully, no.

You don't need to break up.

Saying that the coronavirus sucks is an understatement, but that doesn't mean you should let it destroy all that is good in the world, including your new relationship. Think about it this way: are you cutting off all of your friends because you won't be able to see them for the time being? I certainly hope not. So why should you break off your new relationship just when things are going so well? The short answer is you shouldn't. But you do need to make a few adjustments.

Apply the rules of social distancing to your relationship.

First, check with the decrees of the area in which you live. If you live in a more rural area, it may be in your interest to go out for walks together (six feet apart from each other, of course!). However, if you live in a major metropolitan area such as New York City, going outside might not be feasible for you right now.

The reality is you will very possibly end up treating your relationship like it is a long-distance one, even if you only live around the block from each other. It will require you to be more creative with date ideas, as they would all have to take place online. Off the top of my head, you could watch a movie together over Skype, play trivia games together if you have gaming consoles, start a book club, or, if you want to get more intimate, you could experiment over the phone. Enough said there.

I won't lie: a digital long-distance relationship is not going to be the same as one in the physical world, but, given the strange and extreme circumstances surrounding COVID-19, you don't have a choice in the matter. This global health crisis need not be permanent and, in the scheme of things, will be short-lived if we do what we are supposed to and all work together. If your relationship is meant to be, it will persevere. Love is worth the wait.

Coronavirus, Single, and Dating: How Will I Ever Meet Anyone During a Pandemic?

With the spread of Covid-19 or coronavirus, the words "social distancing," "isolation," and "quarantine" have swallowed up every aspect of our lives—physically, socially, and financially. The irony of our new solitary lifestyle is that not one of us has been untouched by this dreadful virus. Now when I take a walk around my neighborhood by myself or with a member of my immediate family, everyone just seems a little kinder. The recognition that we're all in this together has become a unifying aspect of our lives. From six feet away, that is. 

Physical isolation vs. social isolation.

There's a catch, though: with all of this physical isolation, we need to be careful not to retreat socially. For singles, especially those who live alone, this may prove even more tricky, which is why I don't want you to isolate yourself in every sense of the word. But before I elaborate, let me clarify my position: physical isolation is a necessary sacrifice we all must make. Listen to the recommendations and regulations of your local as well as federal governments. In a purely physical sense, you should practice social distancing, meaning that you should not go out unless strictly necessary. Period. 

Still, boredom remains an underrated source of anguish for many. We often believe, in our typically busy lives, that we crave free time, but many people keep themselves busy as a coping mechanism, especially for loneliness. If we're too busy to ruminate over our demons, we never have to confront our problems. Coronavirus has temporarily robbed us of that coping mechanism. Now, all we can do is our best to busy ourselves by reading and working from home. But here's the problem with boredom; it's unavoidable, like, ultimately, our problems.

Social isolation and loneliness work in a positive feedback loop. And by positive, I don't mean in a good way. I mean positive in that they reinforce each other. Here's how it goes: As a result of physical isolation, you inadvertently socially isolate because reaching out takes effort, which you've never before had to make. Over time, you become depressed because of the lack of interaction, whereupon you withdraw further, leaving you feeling even more lonely and depressed than you did before. It's a messy and terrible situation, with more and more people facing such a downward spiral every day. Fortunately, it doesn't have to be this way.

Face your loneliness head-on. 

Thanks to online dating, singles don't have to isolate themselves socially. If you're not in a relationship but wanting to meet someone, now's the perfect time to face your loneliness head-on and set up that online dating profile you've been putting off creating. Time's on your side: you're at home with a lot less to do and an opportunity to craft the perfect profile, find the best lighting to take a dazzling selfie, and "get out there" (figuratively, not literally, of course). That way, when the pandemic eventually ends—and it will—you'll already be in communication with one or a few romantic prospects and ready to take the world by storm.

The best news is you won't be the only one digitizing your dating life. As I already stated, we're all in this together. Millions of singles like you are currently at home, facing the same challenges, and resolving them by getting a jumpstart on their dating lives even though they cannot go on a date. Hey, that's what FaceTime is for, isn't it?. When they do eventually get out of physical isolation, they, too, hope to have a new face waiting for them. What if that face was yours? Straight from the mouth of a professional matchmaker, I'm here to tell you it can be. All you need to do is get online—alone but not lonely.

Coronavirus Will Slow Down Dating and Why This is Good

COVID-19 or coronavirus has reshaped the course of the year in pretty much every respect. The economy is in a tailspin, schools all over the country have shut down, and commodities such as masks and hand sanitizer are all but extinct. Even dating—this is where I come in—has been impacted by the coronavirus. You are (or should be) staying home and practicing "social distancing," making Match or Bumble or whatever dating site or app you're on safe bets because you can't contract the coronavirus digitally. But, as we know, when it comes to dating, messaging can only take you so far. 

Dating someone new, you may think, is out of the question these days. When you would ordinarily want to meet a new romantic interest following a quick interaction online—by grabbing a cup of coffee, a drink, or a quick bite—you can't because to do so would mean risking contracting the coronavirus from a stranger. The danger is very, very real. But the current pandemic doesn't mean you need to stop looking for love. The slowdown may ultimately work to your advantage. Here's how.

Reassess your dating goals.

For a while now, the casual dater has dominated online dating, making it more difficult for people with long-term dating goals to achieve them. The coronavirus, therefore, has a much more significant impact on casual daters because they’re the ones more likely to interact with a more substantial number of people in a shorter period. 

I'm not saying there’s anything wrong with casual dating if that's what you're looking to do. However, casual dating is a thorn in the side of individuals in search of more serious or long-term relationships. Now everybody will have the opportunity to reassess the course of their lives while quarantined. What do you want in a match? A partner?

Combat loneliness. 

A defining factor of social distancing and quarantine is, inevitably, loneliness. Despite some individuals who joke about being "antisocial," humans are inherently social, meaning they require at least some form of meaningful interaction with other people. 

Because the quarantine is shaping up to be long-term and all-encompassing, the loneliness will grow for many. An individual may feel alright spending a couple of days by themselves, but as days turn into weeks, and weeks potentially into months, the loneliness may grow unbearable and fast. That loneliness could peck away at even the most casual of daters and make them crave the substance only a long-term relationship could offer. With other singles in the same boat as you, you have a new playing field.

Connect and virtually date while social distancing and quarantining.

Don't hesitate to reach out by sending that email, making that call, and having that conversation. And then another. And another after that. Brush your hair and your teeth and smile for the camera on FaceTime or Zoom. For the time being, you have all the time in the world. Use it for your benefit.

Aside from talking, play games together online. Scrabble. Trivia. Create a book club with each other. Watch movies. Position your cameras, and in your kitchens, cook and eat dinner together. Clink glasses—virtually. The same can go for walks or pretty much any other activity that comes to mind.

Find that dating light at the end of the tunnel.

Eventually, once the quarantine ends, people will venture off into the outside world with a new view of life (hopefully) and the propensity to make positive changes in their lives. Such changes may come in the form of a passionate search for, well, not only passion but romance. And the realization they want and need someone who loves and understands them for longer than an evening.

I'm forever the optimist, and while the situation of the coronavirus pandemic is stressful and scary, I see a silver lining in the changes it can cause. Singles have a unique opportunity to be introspective, to seek more meaningful connections, and when they find a good one, cultivate it slowly. Until the day comes, in the not so distant future, when they can meet and see where that connection leads. And that is something positive to look forward to—together.

Who Pays on Dates?

Singles today, especially those over 50 and raised with more traditional values, often get confused about who should pay on dates. With women now making up 47% of the workforce, many being the sole breadwinner or highest earner in the home, old assumptions about who is paying for what and for whom have all but gone out the window leaving many singles scratching their heads. 

The problem is even the strongest, most financially independent women sometimes want to feel taken care of, while the most manly of men don't want to feel taken advantage of by always picking up the tab. At the same time, men who earn less than their female counterparts also struggle with how to assert their masculinity in ways other than through their wallets without appearing cheap, while financially well-off women don't want to become victims of financial abuse by men. The result is a lot of missed signals.

As a matchmaker who has been helping women and men find love for nearly three decades, I can help uncross these signals by helping you answer a few simple questions. Here they are.

Who pays on the first date?

Let me keep things simple for you: men should always pay on the first date. Tradition is still tradition, even in the modern age. However, don't take advantage of this tradition or your date. Be prepared for the man who expects to split the check, or maybe even for you to pay. Don't show up without your wallet. As a general rule, always have money on-hand in case of emergencies. But I digress. 

Even if the man does pay for you on the first outing (which, again, I believe he should), as a courtesy, don't make the date expensive. Avoid dinner dates. Instead, do wine. If the date is going well, you could consider ordering an appetizer. But by deliberately being a "cheaper" date, you will do a lot to prevent the man from feeling like you are taking advantage of him.

Who pays after the first date?

This is when situations get murky. Call me old-school, but I believe a man should court a woman. A man should feel like a man, and a woman should feel like a woman.

That said, don't exploit the courting process. Some women like to joke that men are naive or whatever else, but as human beings, we can feel when someone is using us. Yes, that includes men. Being used for your money (or anything else) is a terrible feeling. If you are using your date for expensive meals, he will figure it out. He will feel lousy about himself, and, as a result, he will no longer wish to date you. In short, let the man court you, keeping in mind not every date needs to cost an arm and a leg, nor should it. Wait until you are more comfortable with your date before ordering the surf and turf. 

How can a woman contribute financially early on while still letting a man be a man? 

It's the early stages of dating, and my man has been thoughtful and generous with his time and money, so how can I show my appreciation? There are countless ways, and showing gratitude allows a woman to be creative. Make dinner (if you are comfortable). Get tickets. Pack a picnic lunch and go for a walk or hike. Perhaps pick up the tab for drinks or coffee and dessert.

Doing fun things with and for your date will not only help you express gratitude for him paying for your meals, but it will demonstrate your further interest. He is investing his time and money in you, and by planning fun activities and dates with him, you are investing your time and money, too. On top of it, you will get to know each other better and be able to develop a deeper bond than you ever possibly could over dinner.

Who pays once you are in a relationship?

Now is the time when you set your own rules based on what is comfortable for both of you. Once you are in a relationship, you should talk to your partner about the financial logistics of dating. Just as important as talking to your partner is, you should listen and make compromises as well. Being in a relationship means you need to consider the end game. Are your goals the same? If so, fantastic. Do what works for both of you. If not, you have a lot more important questions to answer than who should pay for dinner.

Should You Ever Lie About Your Age for ‘Search Purposes’ When Using Online Dating?

A rite of passage for online daters is encountering someone who claims to be 49 but, in reality, is 54, 62, or older. This scenario has gone so far as to become a cliché because everyone seems to encounter it at one point or another when dating online. Misleading others on a dating site about age is indeed such a widespread phenomenon that, according to BEDBiBLE.com, 20% of women use older pictures of themselves to look younger and thinner on their profiles. Men, as many of my female clients attest, do the same.

At first thought, this statistic feels disheartening. After all, how can you expect to find love online if basic information such as someone's real age isn't even available to you? Even so, I find this statistic equally fascinating. And, to explain why, let me take you back to what seems like another lifetime ago, before 1991, when online dating wasn't widely available to the public. 

In those days, people typically met each other through friends or at bars. All they had to go on was appearances or being in a shared social circle. The first question that would come out of a suitor's mouth was never, "How old are you?" Proper etiquette dictates never asking someone their age. Instead, people would reveal their age as they dated and got to know each other better.

The landscape today is such that online dating has grown so much in popularity and influence that it is practically unavoidable. On the one hand, online dating opens us up to a host of options we could not have otherwise had, but, paradoxically, closes us off to too many viable options. Dating apps do not allow users to search by age, but the dating sites typically preferable to me, such as Match.com, OkCupid, and JDate, which allow for more description, do. The negative implication? Users will only search for matches within a target age range, meaning men and women, especially over 50, are not included as a potential match for the individuals they want to meet.

Therefore, for the explicit purpose of helping my clients show up in searches so potential matches can find them, I am, in a minimal sense, OK with them lowering their age to fit within the age criteria right beneath their own. I disavow with a passion lying about anything else for any other reason, and I expect my clients to be upfront about their actual age either in the body of their profile or during the first phone call and not a moment later. Here's why.

Dating is like a business. Ultimately, you are advertising yourself to potential "buyers" online. Think of it like this: McDonald's launches ads persuading you to eat their burgers instead of, say, Wendy's. To do this, McDonald's runs persuasive marketing campaigns to reach as many people as they can to sell as many burgers as they can. In business, there are always shades of gray. Anyone who has eaten fast food in real life knows that fast food burgers do not resemble in every detail their advertised counterparts. But many people eat and enjoy them anyway.

Increasing the chances of meeting compatible matches means maximizing the number of people who encounter your profile. As a professional matchmaker utilizing online dating as a tool, I can help you strategize and market yourself and do precisely that. The problem is if no one sees your profile in the first place, I will never have the opportunity.

To circumvent the constraint of not showing up as a potential match, I maintain that the specific case of altering your age for what is, to a viewer, a brief moment in time is permissible on sites employing it as a categorization only because the cutoffs can be so arbitrary. But just as McDonald's does not explicitly lie about its food, you should not lie about your identity. Ever. You are a burger, so own it. There are ethical business practices and unethical business practices. Lying is always wrong. 

Because the purpose of changing your age is solely to have you appear in more searches, I again reiterate how important it is you disclose your real age either in the body of your profile summary or during your first phone call, so that your matches can make an informed decision about whether they would like to meet you. You don't want to waste anybody's time; to do so would put you in the wrong by default. Not to mention, your time is equally as valuable.

Dating is a business like any other. And the bottom line is to achieve your end goal, whatever it may be. That means first understanding your marketplace – including online dating – and the algorithm that underlies it, which may mean temporarily altering your age. 

Fortunately, with a skilled, experienced matchmaker, you won't need to get into all of this nitty-gritty. Leave that to me, and I will help improve your analytics while ultimately marketing you for you. Remember, the truth always comes out in the end, the most important aspect of which is how much you have to offer.

Why Go to a Matchmaker When There’s Online Dating?

When Hodel first sang the words, “Matchmaker, Matchmaker/Make me a match” in the iconic Broadway show, “Fiddler on the Roof,” no audience member could’ve ever envisioned her singing “Matchmaker, Matchmaker/Make me a Match.com.”

Yet, if a 50ish-year-old Hodel was sitting at a bar in New York City’s Meatpacking District or on L.A.’s Sunset Boulevard sipping her Cosmopolitan, she might ever so wistfully be humming that tune. That’s because she believes swipe apps and online dating sites have become her only option for finding love.

Thankfully, she’d be wrong. 

Matchmakers are alive and well these days and more relevant than ever. How do I know? Because I’m a modern-day matchmaker, who’s successfully helped hundreds of women and men find their perfect matches for close to three decades.   

Still, you may be wondering: Why would anyone need a matchmaker when there’s online dating? 

Not only does matchmaking still have a place, but today, the need is stronger than ever. By combining the vast resources of online dating with the expertise and personalization that only an experienced matchmaker like myself can offer, I provide a unique, comprehensive matchmaking service to find you a match who’s right for you.

Here’s what I do.

Clarify your goals.

Are you sure you know what you’re looking for? 

Consider, for a moment, a 55-year-old man with grown children. He wants a partner he can travel with, but he’s only been searching for 35-year-old women who haven’t been married and want kids. It would almost be stating the obvious to claim that he would likely not find success with these types of women because they have clearly different goals. Yet that’s who he continues to date, unsuccessfully. 

Such clarity only comes from the objectivity of being a third party and the wisdom that develops after years of seeing what works and what doesn’t. The best recipe for success is clarifying your goals so that when you go into the dating world, you know in a general sense who you’re looking for and what lifestyle will work with your own. 

In the case of the 55-year-old man, I would suggest a woman of similar age with grown children or a woman who’s not looking to have any. Next, she must have an explorative side. Of course, checking these two boxes doesn’t guarantee a romance. But what it does is increase the likelihood of a spark, one you need to give a chance to ignite, something a talented modern-day matchmaker like myself knows, but modern-day daters too often forget. 

Narrow the dating pool.

The best part about online dating is that there are so many more people to choose from, which, of course, is also the worst part about online dating. Are you suffering from dating burnout? Does everyone’s dating profile look the same? If they do, you need a fresh perspective.  

An experienced, skilled matchmaker can take an Olympic-sized dating pool and make it smaller. I like to cut out swiping apps like Bumble, Tinder, and The League from the get-go: they offer little to no information on matches. Instead, I stick to more traditional dating sites that provide more extensive profiles. 

After that, I handpick your matches, break your subconscious dating patterns, and deliver to you a group of individuals you would not otherwise have considered but who share in your long-term goals.

Become your mouthpiece (at least for the moment).

I manage many of my clients’ online dating accounts for them. That entails anything from editing or writing from scratch a new profile, regularly examining and updating their profiles, and, if they choose, writing and responding to emails sent through the dating sites on their behalf. 

This last service is a timesaver for my clients. They don’t have to interact with strangers so much at the outset. More importantly, I shield them from those people they shouldn’t deal with at all. Let me explain.

Screen.

Do you know how to date safely? So many clients have come to me over the years complaining that the people they’ve been meeting online haven’t always been honest with them. The lies they report run the gamut. From lying about height, weight, what they do for a living (including if they’re currently unemployed), whether or not they have a cat, dog, even kids, to their marital status (tsk, tsk, married folks), I have heard it all. Which means I have developed an uncanny ability to sift through bullshit fast. 

If you’re new to dating or generally a trusting person because you wouldn’t think of lying about these relevant pieces of information yourself, you may not be so quick to pick up on the red flags. An experienced and skilled matchmaker can. I do.  

Save you time.

Looking for love can become a second or third job. People are busy and don’t have or want to use the precious few spare moments they have reading profiles. If I’m talking about you, utilizing the resources only an experienced matchmaker can offer may be the right move. A matchmaker helps you date smart. 

By sifting through the hordes of online profiles on your behalf, I leave you with only viable matches to consider. And, of course, more free time. 

Train you.

Do you know how to date? Yes, that takes some practice, too, and if you’ve been having trouble getting past a first, second, or however many dates, it may be something you’re doing, saying, or not saying on a date. 

If that’s been your experience, guess who you get to go out on a date with first? Me! Yep, if need be, I set up a mock date or dates with my clients. It’s not enough to counsel my clients about how they should speak or behave on a date. I want to see you in action—in a restaurant, on a hike, even at the mall. I know how great you are, but are you communicating that to your date?    

Surprise you. 

Dating is a time of self-discovery, and over time, your goals may change. It’s your matchmaker’s job to help you achieve your goals once you understand what they are, and from there, bring you interesting people who share in some of those goals.

Your matches may be people you wouldn’t ordinarily have given a second thought. But I encourage you to give them a chance. To find love, you must first be open to it. And sometimes that begins with being open to a helping hand like me to get you there.

Marriage After 50: Statistics & Tips | Midlife Divorce Recovery

More people are getting married after 50 than ever before.  Our culture is more accepting of divorce, and so it makes sense that more people are marrying or remarrying in our 50s. A person whose spouse dies, is also more likely to remarry than not, so there are more “available” 50+ partners than ever before.  The good news is, marriage after 50 can bring fun, security and adventure that sometimes doesn’t happen when we’re younger.

Marriage After 50 Statistics

Have you suddenly started seeing more 50+ dating sites advertised during your favorite television shows? You’re not imagining that.  Senior online dating choices are everywhere!

According to recent “marriage after 50” statistics, Pew research , divorce for people in midlife has almost doubled since the 1990s. Part of this phenomena is because many baby boomers grew up embracing “free love,” or whatever it took for “my” pleasure.  We’ve carried that demand for personal fulfillment into our lives after our marriage fails or our spouse dies.

Why Get Married After 50?

If you’re single at 50+, you’re likely still healthy and will eventually want to get married again.  There are people who are so devastated and angry about divorce, they close their heart to finding love again, but for most people, that is not the case.  Most midlife people remarry within four years after their divorce.

Marriage after 50 can be just as exciting as marriage in your 20s or 30s.  After all, 50 is supposedly the new 30! After 50, after a divorce, if we have done the healing work we need to do, we usually have a clearer idea of what we’re looking for.  

Love & Companionship!

After divorce or the death of a spouse, two of the hardest things to deal with are the loss of romantic love and simple companionship.  The absence of those intimate daily connections with another human being after our spouse leaves us lonely.

Loneliness emphasizes our need for companionship and increases our desire for marriage after 50 years old. Marrying at this age can seem terrifying, but, with good sense and self-confidence, and not desperation, we have a better chance than ever of a happy second marriage after 50.  

I have discovered that the after 50 couples who create happy second marriages are those who take the time to do the grief work and healing work that is necessary after the end of a marriage.  Don’t rush it. Be kind to yourself and be patient with the process.

Holiday Dating

Think online dating slows to a grinding halt during the holidays? Think again. We’re actually heading towards what’s known in the world of online dating, as “peak season.”

According to Match.com, peak dating season starts Dec. 26 and runs through Valentine’s Day, with the dating site seeing 50 million messages sent and 1 million dates taking place during this time. (FYI, if you’re the kind of person that loves to plan ahead, the busiest day of the year for online dating falls on Sunday, Jan. 7.)

While it may seem counterintuitive to jump into the dating scene during the holiday season, it’s actually a great time to be online. Romance is in the air and with the emphasis on family and togetherness this time of year, people tend to be more in a relationship state of mind. If you’re looking to date during the holidays,

Here are a few things to keep in mind.

DO be open to meeting people during this time of year.

As mentioned above, statistically speaking, a lot of people are online and looking for love during the weeks leading up to Christmas and New Years. Also, the holidays tend to bring people out of the woodwork. Whether it’s a holiday party, a visit home or simply an increased desire to socialize, there’s always the chance that you’ll meet someone you may not have crossed paths with otherwise. Stay open to the possibility.

DON’T be demanding when it comes to scheduling dates.

While the holidays are a great time to meet people, it’s also an incredibly busy time of year for most folks. Be open to making new connections, but also be mindful that between family, friends and work commitments, most people are going to have a lot on their plate. If your date can’t meet up right away or has other things scheduled, don’t give them a hard time.

DO keep the momentum alive.

The busyness of the holiday season has a tendency to sweep us away. With that said, dating isn’t impossible. If you’re both super busy, make time when you can to see each other and make an effort to stay in touch throughout the festivities. Scheduling a date and sending a thoughtful text message to let your date know that you’re thinking about them can go a long way when it comes to keeping the spark alive.

DON’T let the holidays kill your single person mojo.

You may meet someone during the holidays or you may not. If you’re not experiencing a rom-com level of romance this season, don’t despair. Instead, focus on what’s good about the holidays. Plan a get together with your other single friends to celebrate, dish, and vent (trust me, you’re not the only one with nosy relatives that keep inquiring about your single status).

Lastly, while it never hurts to be open to the possibility of meeting someone during the holidays, make sure you center yourself in the experience. This is your time to spend with friends, family or just relax by the fire. Don’t forget that.

Dating Habits Of People Who Find The Relationships They Want

When you're single and looking for love, the prospect of finding a healthy relationship can seem daunting. Whether you want to date the old-fashioned way or you prefer the process of modern dating — making a dating profile that stands out, combing through your matches, and of course, actually going out on dates — it can take a lot of time and effort to find a fulfilling relationship. While that might not be exactly what you want to hear, the good news is that dating, although challenging, can also be super fun and rewarding, particularly if you practice healthy and smart dating habits.

But what does mean? Essentially, it boils down to being mindful — both of who you are as a person, and of what you want in another person.  If you're serious about finding a partner below are habits that people who find the relationships they want have in common.

They Don't Look For Someone To "Complete" Them

Although Jerry McGuire might have made audiences swoon with his emotional "you complete me" speech, in reality, you shouldn't be looking for someone to make you feel whole — you should feel like a complete person on your own before adding someone else to the mix.

They Trust Their Intuition

Being willing to trust your gut when it's telling you someone is (or is not) a good match for you.  Trust your intuition.  Consult with close friends and family about your feelings and have them weigh in their thoughts.

They Pay Attention To How They're Treated

At the very beginning of a relationship, both people are typically on their best behavior — which means that if someone isn't treating you the way you want to be treated upfront, you should be confident enough to call things off.

 They Don't Rush Relationships

 If you really hit it off with someone, feelings can develop fast — but instead of rushing into a commitment right away, you're better off taking the time to really get to know a person before you hitch their figurative wagon to yours.

 They're Not Afraid To Say They Want A Long Term, Committed Relationship

 People who get the relationship they want know this — playing it cool, being aloof and pretending that there's something wrong with unapologetically saying 'I want a relationship' is for people who are willing to stay single indefinitely.

 They Practice Self Love

Before you can find a healthy relationship with someone else, you first need to have a healthy relationship with yourself — something you can achieve over time through practicing self love.

 They're Content Being Single, Too

Even if being single isn't your preference, you should still at least feel happy and comfortable when you're not attached — because your relationship status shouldn't be your only source of happiness.

 They Stick To Their Dealbreakers

We all have relationship dealbreakers, and healthy and smart daters know that sticking to those — even when you like plenty of other things about a person — is the only way to find someone who will truly make a good match in the long run.

 They're Positive

The most important healthy and smart dating habit to adopt ASAP? Being able to find joy in the process of dating, even when the going gets tough and you feel like you'll never find the right person (spoiler alert: you will).

 Dating is a journey, it takes time.  Date smart and healthy.  I often say dating is like a job.  As an expert in this industry with close to thirty years of experience, the person that finds their true match remains hopeful, positive and patient.  Your match is out there- don’t give up!