When you date, the idea is to do everything possible to improve the odds. This begins by presenting yourself in the best possible light, the same way you would if you were looking for a new job.
That being said, as much as you can refine the process of finding love by writing an attention-grabbing online dating profile, dating with intention, and listening to a seasoned pro, such as a matchmaker, you still can’t control the result. You can do everything “correctly,” and a particular relationship may still not work out because of circumstances out of your control.
This is life. People have emotional baggage, kids to worry about, exes lurking in the shadows, money woes, and health challenges, sometimes serious ones like I did when I was a wee 19-year-old and diagnosed with cancer.
But fighting cancer didn’t keep me down. Instead, it made me realize that all of us can only control so much in our lives.
Love is the same way. We can only prepare and orchestrate so much, which means the best approach to finding love is not to try and control the process but, instead, lean into it. How? By taking those misses in stride, learning from them, pivoting, moving forward, and, most of all, believing you can and will find somebody to love and to love you.
I believed I could beat cancer and find love, and I did just that.
I am still with my husband, Mike. We have been married for more than two decades now and share three amazing kids: two daughters who are in their twenties and a teenage son. We are also proud parents to our dog, Luna. Importantly, I have remained cancer-free all of this time.
It’s not a coincidence; love is intrinsically tied to our health. Don’t believe me? I’ll let the research speak for itself. Below are 11 benefits of love.
1. Enhanced heart health: Research indicates that loving relationships can have a positive impact on cardiovascular health by lowering blood pressure, consequently reducing the risk of heart disease.
2. Lower risk of substance abuse: Evidence suggests that marriage may contribute to a decrease in excessive drinking and substance abuse.
3. Improved mental health: Engaging in a loving relationship can reduce the risk of developing depression and anxiety by offering emotional stability and support during challenging periods.
4. Stronger immunity: Individuals in loving relationships often experience better immune function.
5. Faster healing: Stronger immunity leads to quicker recovery from illness or injury.
6. Fewer doctor visits and shorter hospital stays: Married individuals tend to visit the doctor less frequently and have shorter hospital stays.
7. Pain reduction: Love and physical touch, typical of healthy relationships, release endorphins, our natural painkillers, providing comfort and alleviating physical and emotional pain.
8. Healthier lifestyle choices: Partners can influence each other’s habits positively. In a loving relationship, there is a greater likelihood of making healthier lifestyle choices, including engaging in regular, low-impact exercise, eating a well-balanced diet, and avoiding risky behaviors.
9. Longer life: Research suggests that individuals in happy and loving relationships, supported emotionally and outwardly by their partners, tend to live longer.
10. Happiness: Love derived from a healthy relationship fosters happiness. Positive experiences often lead to a desire for more, creating a sense of purpose and excitement as individuals envision their future with a loving partner, releasing hormones that contribute to overall good health in the process.
11. Reduced stress: Numerous studies show that love and emotional support have the potential to diminish stress levels. Positive relationships act as a protective barrier against the adverse effects of stress, resulting in decreased cortisol levels and an overall enhancement of well-being.
The Power of a Healthy Attitude
Though the health benefits of love are clear, the precursor to finding love remains a healthy mindset. It was the moment, even in the face of a grim cancer diagnosis, when I believed I could and would find love that my circumstances changed. I could’ve been cynical, and my outcome could’ve been very different.
Hey, we all have it in us. Some more than others. None of us, in fact, are immune to being cynical at one time or another. The important thing is we realize, sooner than later, that we’re behaving this way, then check ourselves and ask why.
Once you stop for a moment to think, you’ll likely find there’s a good reason for your cynical behavior and that it has little to do with what you’re being cynical about. Instead, being a cynic is usually more about the bigger picture, which is your attitude. In other words, if you’re being overly cynical, your attitude is probably less than optimal.
Having a bad attitude when you’re dating will pretty much ensure that you’ll never find someone you don’t find fault with, let alone like. So I ask you: How’s your attitude?
Do you find dating a chore, from having to look through endless dating profiles to getting dressed to meet someone new?
Are you often lamenting that there’s no one out there worth meeting and everyone you meet is cheap, boring, self-centered, or, you guessed it, a cynic.
If this sounds like you, your attitude can probably use some work. That’s not to say people aren’t worthy of being passed by or aren’t cheap, boring, self-centered, or cynical themselves. There are those who most definitely are. But if you go into dating thinking negatively, those are precisely the people you’ll attract.
That’s because negative people attract other negative people. And even if these people aren’t overtly cynics (sometimes it takes a little while to come out), your negativity can certainly contribute to bringing out the worst in others, creating a self-fulling prophecy — everyone you date will actually be a cynic.
The sad fact is that when you have a bad attitude, chances are you’re the one who’s behaving like a cynic. Cynics tend not to be very happy people. They also tend to wind up alone. And when they do find a relationship, those relationships tend to be unfulfilling.
How to Date Intentionally and Find Success
To be a successful dater requires going in with a positive attitude. By positive attitude, I mean the following:
Living in the moment,
looking for the best in others,
keeping an open mind,
behaving respectfully, and
seeing every dating experience as an opportunity to learn, whether new information about someone else or, more importantly, about yourself.
Not every dating encounter will lead to the relationship you want. But to date successfully, you do need to exercise your dating muscles — your ability to be conversational, engaging, courteous, and, yes, positive, even when the encounter doesn’t go as you hoped, planned, or well. It takes practice.
Final thoughts …
With this in mind, take a few moments to reflect on what you’re bringing to the proverbial table when you go out on a date. Or, if you’re not even getting that far, to the table, that is, what you’re bringing to your online dating profiles, texts, emails, and phone conversations. Much of it stems from attitude.
As the saying goes, you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. The same goes for eligible single men and women. You know, the ones looking for someone who’s nice, kind, intelligent, and funny. Like you. The real you.
An earlier version of this article appeared in the Nob Hill Gazette on February, 14, 2024.