There’s this theory about relationships that many people point to when they talk about what’s not working in their romantic partnership or marriage. It’s a theory that troubles me because I think it’s often misinterpreted to the detriment of people’s relationships. It goes something like this: Your partner or spouse should be your best friend for your relationship to operate at its highest level.
Anyone who knows me knows that one of my favorite movies is the 1988 movie “Beaches.” If you haven’t seen it, I strongly suggest you do since, at its core, it’s about friendships and how they fit into people’s lives when they’re dating someone they like and then when they’re married.
Here’s a quick synopsis: C.C. Bloom (Bette Midler), a rising Broadway star, and a socialite turned activist-lawyer, Hillary Whitney (Barbara Hershey), strike up an unlikely friendship on a New Jersey beach one summer when the girls are adolescents. This friendship carries them through the ups and downs of their adult lives, including their careers, relationships, marriages, and eventually, parenthood.
Without giving too much away, one of the striking themes of this film is how each woman handles their friendship when a man, whether a dating interest or a husband, enters their life. Who should stay for the long haul? These women spend nearly a lifetime wrestling with this question until circumstances finally give them their answer.
Spoiler: Friendships — and not just any old friendship — but having a best friend outside your romantic relationship not only matters but can also bring that romantic relationship to its highest good. In other words, your partner or spouse doesn’t have to be your best friend for your relationship to be loving and fulfilling. Someone else can hold a significant presence in your life, too. Here’s why, with a few caveats.
An adult friendship other than the one you share with your partner or spouse enriches your life.
There’s something about having someone around who knows you well, gets you, and understands your quirks, especially if they’ve been in your life for a long time. No matter how much you love your partner or spouse, how much they love you, and how long you’ve been in each other’s lives, you can’t replicate history. You may also share particular interests with them that your partner or spouse doesn’t enjoy.
This friend of yours will tell you the truth when you are unable or unwilling to tell it to yourself. The friend should also be someone you can trust with your words and the person you’re interested in, meaning your friend shouldn’t do anything to get in the way of your romantic relationship. Finally, your best friend should do their best to co-exist with your partner and spouse, not interfere because they harbor jealousy about having to share your attention and affection with someone else.
Best friends see you differently from someone who loves you romantically and will talk to you differently because they can.
There are certain “truths” you can hear from a best friend that, if they came from your partner or spouse, could be misconstrued, hurt you, or become grounds for their dismissal from your life. You may think you can say anything to your spouse and that they can say anything to you, but words, especially if they come out wrong, can do irreparable damage to a partnership or marriage.
That’s not to say a best friend can’t hurt you; they definitely can. But your dynamic is different from the one you have with your partner and spouse, and you likely have been through this before and worked through it if you’re truly best friends.
Strong romantic relationships and marriages can withstand a lot. However, they have a vulnerability about them that is unique due to the intimacy you and your partner share. The existence of a best friend can serve as a protector of that fragility.
Love has no limits.
When a romantic relationship or marriage is strong, loving, and characterized by mutual respect, it’s usually based on trust and a desire to see one another live their most fulfilling life. Your partner or spouse’s love for you is boundless, as is your love for them, so you both know that nothing else in your life, not even another human being you call your best friend, can diminish what you share. Love, as you both see it, has no limits, so there’s room for others in your lives. Your best friend should know this, too.
A Caveat About Having a Best Friend
Having more than one person close to you can, from time to time, leave someone feeling left out, whether your partner or spouse or your best friend. This is natural. After all, we are people, and our feelings are complex. It’s important to be aware of this possibility and to address it with the individual feeling that way. Listen more than talk, and try to get to the root of why.
Final Thoughts
While you may be doing your best to protect both relationships, consider that the one feeling ignored may be justified in feeling this way due to a factor you weren’t aware of before. Having a partner or spouse and a best friend may sometimes require extra attention from you, and that’s OK. These are people who love you, but who you also love and want to see happy. Just make sure it’s not at the other person’s expense. Or yours.