In her book, “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead,” Brené Brown defines connections as “the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment.” In other words, when they feel appreciated. It stands to reason then that those who show their partners appreciation will create the strongest connection with them.
The ironic part is that it’s so easy over time to take the people who show us the most care and love for granted. If you’re feeling as though you may be one of these people, here’s a quick refresher about how to show your partner appreciation and connect more deeply in your relationship.
1. Start today by telling them.
Even if you’ve been remiss in the past about letting your partner know how much you appreciate them, there’s no better day than today to make a change in your behavior. A few simple words such as. “I wanted to take a moment to tell you how much I appreciate all that you do for me” can be enough to get you started. Even if your partner is incredulous that you’re saying these words, you’ve set the stage for a positive change in your relationship to occur.
2. Write it to them in a card, note, or letter.
Not comfortable with speaking your mind out loud or want to add more diversity to your gratitude routine, try writing your thoughts down. Whether you give a greeting card that expresses your feelings or a card you write yourself, a longer letter that expresses your sentiments in detail, or a sticky note you leave on the milk in the fridge to let your partner know you’ll miss them while you’re out, each expression can bring you closer. You don’t need to be a published author to say, “Miss you,” “I love you,” or “Thank you for being you,” to warm your partner’s heart.
3. Speak in your partner’s love language.
Gary Chapmen’s book, “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts,” has been an international bestseller for a reason: It gets to the heart of how to establish a deeper connection with your partner. Outlining the five different types of love languages people respond to (and there can be more than one per person), the premise of the book lies in finding your partner’s and communicating with them using theirs. Doing so, Chapman posits, will help you connect more easily and, as a result, deeply.
4. Give them your undivided attention.
We’re more distracted than ever and, as a result, it’s easy to allow our attnetion to be swayed by even the slightest interruption. Correcting this behavior is simple: It involves self-awareness and a commitment to making your partner a priority when you’re speaking to one another and spending time together. The ability to listen is one of the most important skills you can have and hone in a relationship.
5. Remember things that are important to them (important dates in their life, details they communicate, their likes and dislikes, etc.).
Their birthday, your anniversary, their favorite ice cream flavor. The more details you can recall about your partner’s life from what they’ve told you over the time you were together, the better you will demonstrate to them you that you’re listening and that you care about what they have to say and who they are as a person.
6. Give them a break.
If your partner does a lot for you, the people around you, and just in general, find a way to give them a break. And don’t wait until they’re about ready to collapse. Do it before they get to that point.
From facilitating a few hours for them to be on their own or to do something they enjoy, such as see friends or engage in a favorite pastime, to planning a vacation for them alone or with just you, your actions can demonstrate to your partner that you see them and how hard they work. Everyone needs time to recharge, including your partner, even if they never complain or ask for anything from anyone around them.
7. Cook them a meal.
Food is love. It’s what nourishes and sustains us. So what better way is there to show your partner how much you cherish them than by preparing a meal for them to enjoy? Don’t worry if you’re not a cook. Making eggs and toast isn’t all that complicated.
Still find the prospect daunting? Order in and serve your partner so they can sit back and relax. Pro tip: Don’t forget to clean up so they don’t have to.
8. Take your partner out on a date, even if you’re married.
Date night works whether you’re in a newer relationship or married for 50 years. Spending time together doing something you enjoy — sharing a meal, seeing a show, or taking a scenic drive — are each perfect ways, among others, to reconnect and focus on each other in a pleasant atmosphere.
If you’re not comfortable picking the activity without your partner’s input, ask them what they would like to do. But once you know, take the lead and do the planning so they can enjoy without pressure.
9. Compliment them to others in public and in private, even when they’re not present.
When you speak highly of your partner, others will likely think of them the same way. Also, they may get to learn favorable qualities about your partner they wouldn’t have ordinarily known, endearing your partner to them further.
The flip side is that if you undermine your partner publicly, whether your partner is present or not, you effectively give license to others, at a minimum, to think poorly of your partner, communicate what they’ve heard from you to others, or undermine your partner to their face, like you have. None of these scenarios make them or you look good. Don’t do it.
10. Encourage others around them (children, grandchildren) to show their appreciation.
Gratitude can be contagious. So if you’re feeling grateful to your partner for all they do and who they are, and you know how much they do for others and mean to them (think children and grandchildren especially), encourage those individuals to get on the appreciation bandwagon. An added benefit? Expressing how much someone means to you makes YOU feel good as well.
11. Shout it from the mountaintops (or on social media).
Really appreciate your partner? Shout it from the mountaintops (if you’re on a mountain, that is), or use a public forum to do so. Social media is effective in this regard, and it can be exhilarating for your partner to see you aren’t shy about how you feel about them. Plus, you give others an opportunity to confirm on social media what you already think and know with a like, love, or comment.
12. Pay attention to the little things they do, and give them recognition for them.
Does your partner perform some of the small gestures described in this article, or do others that you, in hindsight, have overlooked? Start paying attention to those little things and call them out because little things not only add up, they make a difference in your life. Don’t let them or your partner go unnoticed.
13. Behave in a grateful manner every day (say please and thank you often).
A great way to show you’re paying attention to the little things your partner does is to say please and thank you often. It gives your partner instant gratification, even if they’re looking for none, and, again, will make you feel good, too.
14. Let your partner know every day how important they are to you and the people in their life.
Not to be a downer, but we all know too well that life is short, fleeting, and altogether unpredictable. What if the last words you spoke to your partner were the ones you said today? Or you left words unsaid? How would you feel then? Or how would your partner feel if all of a sudden you were no longer there?
15. Buy or make them a gift for no reason in particular.
Surprise, surprise. You don’t need to jump out of the bushes or from behind a door to surprise your partner. And you don’t need to spend a lot either. Unless, of course, you choose to and can. If there’s something you know about that would enhance your partner’s life or that they would love, buy it for them for no particular reason at all except to show them that you were thinking of them and wanted to express your appreciation.
16. Support their passions and goals with enthusiasm.
One of the most important ways on this list to demonstrate your appreciation is to offer your support for your’s partner’s passions and goals and do so with enthusiasm. If you’re having trouble getting behind them, ask your partner, without judgment, to communicate why what’s important to them is because you want to understand better.
Next, figure out a way to demonstrate your support, even if you don’t necessarily understand or agree with them (so long as what they’re doing isn’t hurtful or dangerous to you or others). Communication, as always, is key here.
17. Give without expecting anything in return.
There is no quid pro quo in a healthy relationship. Relationships should be about giving, not giving to receive. So give from your heart without expecting anything in return. This is true selflessness and a genuine way to show you appreciate that special person in your life.
18. Apologize if you’ve been ungrateful in the past.
If you’ve been neglectful in the past but want to do better, tell your partner so. Give them the apology they deserve, even if they weren’t expecting one or waiting for it. A genuine apology requires self-reflection and doesn’t come with you shifting blame for your behavior to them.
To that end, think about your apology before you give it, and be prepared to stick with it. Most importantly, don’t condition your apology on receiving an acceptance of it. Acceptance of your apology could come right away, in time, or never. That’s strictly up to your partner, and you have no right to make any demands of them.
19. Make a show of gratitude a daily part of your relationship.
If you make gratitude a part of your day every day, the gestures described above, however large or small, will become a habit, one you won’t even be conscious of but one you won’t be able to live without. Not to mention, your partner will likely come to appreciate you even more than they already do.