You’ve probably met someone who fits this description or seen them post about the recent demise of their long-term relationship and wondered, "Should I date them?" Your first instinct might be to run, writing them off as not ready.
While that may be true, it doesn’t have to be. It could be worth having a conversation to find out more details about their breakup so you can make an informed decision about whether to engage with them. Here’s what you should listen for when speaking with them.
How long ago was the breakup?
When determining whether someone’s “fresh” out of a breakup, one of the questions you should ask is, “How fresh is it actually?”
If a breakup happened mere days ago, it’s safe to say they are probably not ready, even if the breakup was their idea and they had thought about it for a while. Finality can raise a lot of emotions, good and bad, and either can be distracting to someone dating new people.
You want to date a person whose head is clear, so they’re in a position to focus on learning about you and, over time, possibly seeing a future with you. If you’re looking for a commitment, someone recently out of a long-term relationship may not want to dole one out so quickly.
Why did the relationship end?
It’s important to understand why their long-term relationship ended. Was it incompatibility (a job took one of them far away, for example)? Did they grow apart over time? Or did something happen, such as cheating, to cause the relationship to end?
Depending on who and what precipitated the breakup, the fallout for the person who didn’t want the relationship to end can be different and require more healing time. If that’s the person you’re dating, are you willing to wait and go through that with them, with no guarantee that they will stay with you once they feel stronger?
Do they still seem sad about it?
As mentioned above, if they’re the person who was dumped, it may take them longer to recover. Everyone’s different, so what you should be looking out for is whether they still seem depressed about the breakup or depressed in general, which could be stemming from the breakup.
If someone is sad that their last relationship ended, they must work through that pain. Often, that requires visiting old memories, rehashing conversations, or even speaking with or meeting up with their ex as they work on distancing themselves from the relationship.
Is this something you’re going to be comfortable with? Will it make you feel good, wanted, and special? If not, perhaps this person at this time may not be right for you.
Are they still in contact with their ex?
Though they may not admit to it, when someone’s in contact with an ex, even as friends, there’s a door open for reconciliation or, at a minimum, slipping into old comforts that could include emotional or physical intimacy. Neither is the mark of an environment hospitable for a new, healthy relationship. If they’re still in contact with their ex, especially if they see them in person and spend time together, that should give you pause and cause you to question whether this is where you need to be.
Do they talk about their ex a lot?
Even if someone is practicing no contact to the extreme, i.e., they’re not speaking to or seeing their ex, unless they’re no longer thinking about them either, they’re still in contact with them for all intents and purposes. Again, this is not what you want.
What you should listen for is them associating everyday activities with their ex or roping them into conversations that have nothing to do with them. For example, if you find them saying this was their ex’s favorite song or ice cream flavor, take what they’re saying for what it is: they are telling you they’re not over their ex.
Final Thoughts
Though there are never any guarantees that someone you’re dating will get back with an ex, red flags are red flags and should be heeded. Yes, we all know of someone whose boyfriend or girlfriend had not spoken to their ex in years and never or rarely mentioned them. However, their paths crossed and now they’re together.
On another note, people can be quite adept at masking their true feelings. There’s nothing you can do about that.
But staying aware of your surroundings and really listening to the people you date can increase your chances of finding those ready for a relationship and limit your chances of heartbreak. At least heartbreak that results from them returning to an ex they never got over. Think of prospective partners like strawberries: You don’t want to pick one before they’re ready.