For those who’ve knowingly entered or somehow gotten into a situationship, the question often arises: Can you turn a situationship into a boyfriend?
While the same can be asked of a man who wants to turn his situationship into a girlfriend, it’s much less common. Usually, that looks like a guy trying to get out of the friend zone with a woman he hasn’t slept with, making man-woman situationships a far different scenario since the woman has invested herself sexually in a relationship without a commitment.
In my experience, it’s very challenging for a woman to change how the man she’s involved with looks at her. Here’s why.
What he thinks of you is probably already set
People show you who they are early on, and they also show you how they view you. If a man is treating you like someone he’s casually seeing, it’s because that’s how he defines your relationship. He may enjoy your company, like the sex, find texting with you now and then amusing, and say sweet things in the moment. Still, none of it means he sees you as someone he wants a relationship with. Now or ever.
Most of the time, men don’t wake up one day and decide to put you in a different relationship category. That rarely happens unless it’s in the movies or something significant changes for them, like they decide it’s time to find a wife because all of their friends are getting married. Keep in mind, though, it still might not be you.
It’s easy to think that if you just say or do the right thing, a guy you’re casual with will see your value as a relationship partner. Unfortunately, more often than not, he’s already decided who you are to him and won’t be upgrading your role in his life.
If he wanted more, you’d already know
This one may sting because it’s likely true. When a man wants to be with you, it’s obvious. You won’t have to parse his texts or wonder where you stand. You won’t feel like you’re always initiating, waiting around, or walking on eggshells. You won’t feel anxious after seeing him. Instead, you’ll feel calm.
If you’re questioning everything, you already have your answer. It’s not that he’s playing a long game or taking his time. These are the lies women tell themselves to feel better and give themselves false hope. What you’re feeling is merely the low level of connection he’s offering you, and nothing more.
As women, we waste so much time trying to read between the lines when the truth is right in front of us. In general, men say what they mean. Beyond his words, because many men deliberately offer the possibility of a relationship as a dangling carrot, pay attention to how a guy shows up for you.
Once you do, you usually can’t unsee his true intentions. Sure, you can keep hoping he’ll come around. But it will be far more efficient for you to find the relationship you want. All you have to do is admit what your current relationship is predicated on, which is not much, and start choosing yourself.
Hoping he’ll change usually leads to you feeling worse
Hope can be comforting. That being said, it can also be misleading. When you’re hoping someone will change, what you’re doing is waiting. Waiting on potential, that is.
Worse yet, while you’re waiting, you’re putting your needs on the back burner. You’re ignoring the reality of the relationship in lieu of the possibility of something better down the line. The problem is, most of the time, better never comes. If by the off chance it does, it usually comes in a way that won’t look exactly like what you imagined, and not in a good way. What will be left is you feeling disappointed, questioning yourself, or worse, blaming yourself for why the situation(ship) didn’t turn out differently.
Look, it’s not that change is impossible. We’ve all heard a story about a friend of a friend of a friend who started out casual with a guy and flipped the script. Anything can happen. The question is, what are the odds it will?
The way of the world is such that change only happens when the person needing to change their position themselves initiates it, not because you want them to. If you’re constantly managing your expectations, editing your feelings, or pretending you’re fine with less, ask yourself whether this is love or fear of letting them go. More often than not, fear is what’s been driving your decision-making up to now.
His choices say more about where he is in life than anything about you
To elaborate on the last section, it’s easy to internalize someone else’s lack of commitment as something you’re doing wrong. You start wondering if you were prettier, funnier, thinner, had more money, or were more laid-back, would he want to be with you? The answer is that it probably wouldn’t matter because his decision most likely lies in where he is in his own life.
People make choices based on their own timing, values, priorities, and emotional availability. If he’s keeping things casual or avoiding labels, it says a lot more about where he is in his life than it does about your worth. Maybe he’s not looking for anything serious. Maybe he doesn’t know what he wants (Caveat: If he wanted you, you’d know and so would he). Maybe he likes you, but doesn’t want a relationship right now.
Whatever the reason, it’s not your job to fix him or wait for him to fix his head. You can do everything “right”: show up, communicate, look pretty, and still not get this guy. That doesn’t mean you failed. It just means you’re dealing with someone who’s not your guy. Again, the reasons why shouldn’t matter.
Sleeping with him gives him what he wants without asking much from him
When you don’t have a commitment and you’re sleeping with a man, he gets the physical side of you without having to invest emotionally, financially, or be responsible for you or your feelings in any other way. That might anger you, but he’s probably not being manipulative. It’s just how relationships work.
If you’re acting like a girlfriend without being one, he has no reason to change what he has: all the benefits without the accountability. Yes, sex can feel intimate, and with him, it might be. However, in most cases, it still won’t make the relationship more than the sex-based connection it is.
This is especially true if he already knows you want more. Some men will stretch out this gray area for as long as you let them because it’s comfortable for them, and you’re meeting their needs sexually and otherwise. Again, it doesn’t make him a villain. It makes him human.
The thing is, you don’t need to continue supporting this guy in his humanity. Rather, his humanity should signal that it’s time you begin asking yourself what you want and whether this arrangement feels good.
If you’re being honest with yourself, you may find that staying in a relationship where you don’t feel valued is the very reason you’re stuck and what’s preventing you from meeting someone who will call you their girlfriend. And maybe one day their wife.