As our families grow and change over time, it’s natural for conflicts to occur. One such conflict that many blended families face is the adult child of a partner or spouse wanting to move in for an extended period. It can be a sensitive subject and one to broach carefully.
But first, let’s address the elephant in the room, which is: Can you object? The short answer is yes.
You have a right to express your feelings and concerns about your living situation, especially when it involves your home. This applies whether you own or rent your home independently, your partner owns or rents it, or you own or rent it together.
That said, how you approach this conversation is critical in ensuring a positive outcome for everyone involved. Here are a few ideas to get you started.
Evaluate your concerns.
Before broaching the subject with your partner or spouse, take some time to evaluate your concerns and pinpoint precisely what is bothering you. For example, are you worried about losing your privacy? Are you concerned about the financial impact? Is there a history of conflict with the adult child? Knowing the specifics of your concerns will better help you communicate with your partner.
Choose the right time and setting to have this discussion.
When discussing sensitive topics, your environment can substantially affect how the conversation goes. Choose a time and place to have an uninterrupted conversation, free from distractions. Pick a public place if you are more comfortable or worried about your safety.
Use “I,” not “you” statements.
When discussing your concerns, frame them as your feelings rather than accusations or criticisms. For example, instead of saying, “You always prioritize your child over me,” say, “I feel like my needs aren’t being considered when it comes to this decision.” Using “I” statements can help prevent your partner from becoming defensive and encourages a more productive conversation.
Be open to compromise (unless this is a dealbreaker for you).
As you discuss the situation, be open to finding a compromise that works for everyone. It might mean setting specific boundaries or expectations for the adult child or agreeing on a time limit for their stay. By demonstrating a willingness to work together, you show your partner that your concerns are not an ultimatum but rather a desire to find a solution that satisfies everyone.
If it’s a dealbreaker for your partner or spouse’s adult child to stay under the same roof as you, explain why that is. Then, regardless of how justified you might be feeling the way you do, prepare yourself for them to let you “break the deal,” meaning let you end your relationship over this issue without a fight or for them to do it for you.
Seek professional guidance if necessary.
Should the conversation becomes contentious, or you’re unable to reach an agreement, it might be worthwhile to seek the assistance of a family therapist, marriage counselor, or a family law attorney and mediator. A neutral third party can facilitate communication, mediate disagreements, and provide guidance on how best to work through the situation to support the needs and feelings of all parties involved.
It can also be helpful to consider that your partner’s adult child is a person with feelings and needs, too. More specifically, they may face challenges like job loss, divorce, or mental health struggles. It’s, therefore, important to approach the situation with empathy and understanding and, if you’re willing, to consider their perspective. With this goal in mind, here are a few additional tips for dealing with the adult child directly.
Include your partner’s adult child in the conversation.
If you and your partner or spouse are both willing, include the adult child in some of your discussions about their stay. It can help them feel heard and respected. It can also provide you valuable insight into their perspective and needs.
Set clear expectations.
Should you decide to allow an extended stay, establish clear expectations for the adult child during their visit to prevent misunderstandings or conflicts. That might include the assignment of household chores, financial contributions, or rules about guests and privacy. Having these expectations in place from the beginning can prevent resentment or frustration from building up.
Offer support.
If the adult child has been struggling, offering support and encouragement where appropriate can put everyone at ease. Demonstrating care and concern can go a long way toward building a positive relationship and fostering a harmonious living situation.
Support can also come in the form of helping them search for an alternative living arrangement or job opportunities, connecting them with resources, or being an empathetic ear and sounding board.
Maintain open communication.
Encourage open communication among all parties involved throughout the adult child’s stay. Doing so can help address any issues that come up and prevent them from escalating. Regular check-ins or family meetings can be another practical way to ensure everyone feels heard and valued.
Prioritize your relationship with your partner.
It’s nice to be supportive of an adult child. However, it’s also crucial to prioritize your relationship with your partner. To that end, set aside time for each other and maintain your connection, even if it means scheduling regular date nights or simply spending quality time together.
Communicate often with your partner about the existing living situation, and address matters as a couple as soon as possible. Leave passive-aggressive behavior at the door, as it can only heighten tensions in your living environment and compromise your relationship’s health.
Final thoughts …
While it’s entirely understandable to have concerns about an adult child staying with you and your partner for an extended period, handling the situation with sensitivity and empathy and engaging in open communication can prevent a problem from spiraling out of control. It can also strengthen your relationship by allowing you to work through a challenge together.
By considering the needs and feelings of all parties involved and seeking compromise where possible, you can get through this latest challenge while maintaining a loving and supportive home environment. Remember, your home should be a sanctuary for everyone you welcome to reside there. So make sure you’re up to being a good host.