Who a woman chooses as her partner affects every aspect of her life. Studies have repeatedly shown that women bear the brunt of the invisible labor performed in male-female households. Why? Because the partners they’ve chosen haven’t risen to the occasion. Not because they can’t, however. But because they prefer not to.
They like it the way it is, which is to let their female counterpart take care of them and everything else. This woman works outside the home, just like her husband or partner does, only to return at the end of the day to the burden of all the cooking, cleaning, child care, planning, budgeting, grocery shopping, errands, and more. Even if she is a stay-at-home parent while he works outside the home, once he walks in the door, his day is over, while hers continues until bedtime, when she will be on duty should any of the children wake up.
How did this woman end up with such a man? Probably because she didn’t see the signs, or if she did, it didn’t register what they would look like as time went on. Such behavior isn’t reserved for new partners or spouses, either. If a man has lived this existence with a previous partner, spouse, or spouses, chances are, he’s still looking for a mother, not a wife. Here’s how to tell.
He expects you to manage his life and make all decisions.
He has made you (and you have unwittingly agreed) his alarm clock, calendar, and personal assistant. You not only remind him of his dentist appointments but also schedule them.
He leaves his clothes on the floor for you to pick up, or if he’s well-behaved, he’ll leave them in the hamper for you, expecting you to wash them. And you do. You make dinner reservations and plan trips. You run his errands. You do anything and everything so he doesn’t have to.
Not only that, you are the lead decision-maker in your household because (a) he’s incapable of making a decision, or (b) doesn’t want to, so if the decision turns out to be a bad one, he won’t be to blame. You’re in charge. At least, he’s led you to think you are.
He doesn’t contribute unless you ask him to.
It’s not like this 100% of the time. No, not at all, because if you ask him to do something, he’ll pitch in or do what you’ve asked. But he won’t be happy about it, which he’ll surely let you know.
You see, when you ask, you’re nagging. This isn’t his responsibility, his job. Yes, he’s doing you a favor.
Yes, you should be grateful. Yes, you’re resentful he didn’t do it on his own, that you had to ask, and now he’s giving you an attitude about it. So what do you do? You stop asking because it’s not worth the trouble.
He expects praise for basic tasks (or nothing at all).
He’s done some task, something not even that great, like taking out the trash or picking up an item at the grocery store you need for a dinner you’re making for him. But he now expects your praise. A simple thank you will not suffice: “Are you happy? Will this shut you up?”
“Thank you,” you mutter under your breath, promising yourself you won’t ask for anything because this is too much, this repulsive behavior from him that you must deal with regularly. Is he your partner or a petulant child, not even your own?
He avoids emotional responsibility.
He’s in a bad mood now. You put him in it by asking him to help, or because something at work is distressing him, which you weren’t sensitive to, and now you’ve made it worse. He lashes out. Yells at you, looks at you with disdain.
Later, he apologizes for his outburst. His bad mood. Taking it out on you. You say you forgive him, but deep down, you don’t. How could you when these episodes are a part of your regular dynamic? He disgusts you and wonders why you’re not affectionate toward him and why you don’t tell him how good-looking he is.
Easy. Because he isn’t to you.
He skirts boundaries and doesn’t want to take accountability.
He walks a fine line, this guy. He thinks he’s invincible and untouchable because he’s managed to pick and choose people to surround himself with who don’t know the real him but who find him helpful, charismatic, amusing, and kind-hearted and tell him so, feeding his ego. This is not the person you’ve come to experience in private.
But how he acts in private is because of you, not him. You’ve made him behave this way toward you due to your poor attitude, physical and mental exhaustion, and inability to laugh at his jokes, which are often subtle digs at you.
You have no sense of humor. You’re overbearing, and those instances of micro-cheating you’ve pointed out? It and you are a joke, like other women, since micro-cheating is a construct devised by women.
He’s more comfortable being cared about than caring for others.
What do all of these signs point to? That he’s more comfortable being cared about than caring for others, especially you, though no one who’s not in his inner circle will see this, and maybe not even them. Given the picture he’s taken great lengths to paint, they will see the opposite. Point this out to him, that he treats you differently from everyone else, his only concern will be that you will eventually tell someone, and that they will believe you.
So he goes full throttle on what he’s been doing all along, more so if you finally walk away, which is laying the groundwork behind your back that you are different from how you appear, and once again, he’s a victim. Good thing his real mommy will jump in to comfort him, reassuring him what a good boy, ahem man, he is, giving him the confidence he needs to do this all over again with some other unsuspecting woman.
Know the signs, and let that not be (or continue to be) you.