If you’re on TikTok or Instagram, or have spent time in any Facebook group with singles as members, you’ll notice a trend: women putting a label on any behavior by men that indicates a man made a choice other than choosing them.
Saying a man is avoidant is one of the most common labels I’m seeing these days to explain away why a man may have moved on. I’m here to say why this is a practice that can inhibit your dating life, including your ability to find your person. Here’s why. But first, a quick description of what avoidant attachment is.
What Is Avoidant Attachment?
Avoidant attachment describes a person who fears intimacy, including with someone they’re dating. A person with this attachment style may indicate on the surface that they are looking for a partner with whom to share their lives. But as soon as they get too close to anything resembling that, they pull back, whether due to a fear of rejection, lack of trust, feeling uncomfortable with being vulnerable, or overwhelm.
Whatever the reason (or reasons, as there can be multiple ones), this person pulls back as a result, and maybe even leaves the relationship that’s causing them these experiences. They do this so they can restore their sense of comfort, something than can only happen by them having their independence back.
For someone who’s gotten entangled with an avoidant, who has been drawn in by the promise of a committed relationship only to look on helplessly as this person then pulls back, it can be frustrating, upsetting, embarrassing, and demoralizing, among a roller coaster of many other emotions. In a vacuum, this is what avoidant attachment can look like.
The Danger in Labeling Men’s Dating Behavior as Avoidant
The thing is, it takes knowing a lot about the background of the person you’re dating to understand that this is what the person who rejects you is suffering from. The problem? Many people I’m seeing, particularly women, are quick to put a label on these behaviors by men, investing way too much time psychoanalyzing them and not enough time on letting them go and moving forward.
More than that, when you fall into a habit of analyzing why a man might have rejected you, you, more often than not, miss the obvious point that men, like women, have free choice. Meaning men, like women, are doing what they say they are: searching for a partner. And not every woman, however beautiful, smart, and accomplished she is, will fit his wishlist.
is intentions may have been on the up and up; he may have liked you, thought you were incredible, but after spending time with you, and yes, sleeping with you, he realized that he does not want to move forward with you.
On the surface, it can look like you were used, and it’s easy to feel this way when you are in the mindset of labeling all men, including those you don’t know well, as avoidant, as having something “wrong” with them when it may, in fact, be them exercising free choice and following their own heart.
Of course, some men set about using women. Just watch the 1997 film, “In the Company of Men,” where two male co-workers scheme to date a female co-worker with the sole purpose of hurting her emotionally, just like they have been hurt by women who rejected them.
While this can happen in real life, and may even be the case, it’s not always, or even typically. Instead, a man’s rejection of you is more likely due to the theory that authors Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo put forth in their book (later movie) by the same name: “He’s just not that into you.”
What You Should Do if a Guy Rejects You
If a guy you’re dating rejects you, especially if it’s a guy you don’t know well, refrain from explaining away his behavior by labeling him as an avoidant. It only puts you into a negative mindset and keeps you stuck on him. Being stuck on someone who doesn’t want you isolates you, keeps you in a loop, and prevents you from being emotionally available to others.
Instead, chalk their rejection up to the fact that you both aren’t the right fit, remembering that two people must choose each other for a relationship to deepen. That can only begin when you accept the no, stop assigning meaning to it beyond what it is, and turn your attention back to your own life and possibilities, choosing yourself first.