You’re talking to someone through a dating app. The messaging is consistent, and even better, they sound normal. They’re respectful and appear to be interested in learning more about you. You feel the same. Then one day, it stops. Silence. They may have even un-matched with you.
Sure, you’re disappointed. What happened, you wonder. Was it work? Did someone in their family get sick? Did they get sick, or die? Were they married? Did they set up a date with someone else, or were already dating someone else and further along? Did they get back with an ex? The stories you tell yourself appear to have no end.
Your friends tell you to move on, and you know they’re right. Still, you find yourself thinking about what could’ve been. Then, finally, you move on. You stop thinking about them. That is, until one fine day, out of nowhere, they make contact, either trying to re-match with you on the same app you met them on, or perhaps a new one, or through text message using the phone number you had given them that they never used at the time.
What now? Do you give them another shot?
As a 30-year veteran in the matchmaking industry, who’s witnessed the positive and negative effects technology has had on how people meet and form relationships, I have an answer: Yes. Here’s why.
Nothing’s Happened Between You
As in, you never had anything together except for some meaningless banter on a dating app. Truth be told, you barely know this person but for what they’ve messaged you thus far, notwithstanding the narrative you created in your head about them once they disappeared. Meaning, they didn’t owe you anything at the point you were at, the same way you didn’t owe them anything. Harsh, but true.
The way dating apps are designed, and the way to increase your odds of finding a strong match, is to talk to more than one person at a time. As you progress through messaging, texting, and meeting in person, you gain reference points for deciding whether you want to continue with someone or weed them out. You are on a fact-finding mission, and you won’t always like what you find.
That being said, the further you go during this process, the more of a connection you will establish, and with it, more of an expectation that someone (you included) will use their voice to end things. Though it is a green flag if a person messages you in the very early stages of communication prior to meeting that they have decided to pursue someone else and want to see where that goes first, it doesn’t always happen. People do just stop communicating.
If someone like this resurfaces, it’s easy to get your back up and say you’re not going to give them the time of day because you weren’t their first choice. And while that may be true, does it really matter since they don’t know you and you don’t know them?
The Narrative You’ve Created About Why Someone You Never Knew Disappeared May Be What’s Keeping You Alone
I mentioned the case of a person who wanted to see where things went with someone else, but that’s not the only reason why pre-date conversations drop off. Life happens, and why someone stops communicating may, and usually, has more to do with them than it does with you. At the very least, if someone you were messaging with on an app re-emerges, hear them out.
There may be a very good reason for their disappearance. There also may not be. Either way, if you’re liking what you’re hearing now, today, it might be worth giving this person a second chance. Again, gather your facts.
A Word About the Person Who Comes and Goes and Never Schedules a Date
If you find that someone you’ve talked to is now making a habit of coming and going in your life — at any stage, it’s safe to say this person is not serious about you. Feel free to let them go, explaining to them why.
When you are confident and clear about your dating goals, it becomes much easier to voice them and to eliminate contenders for your time and heart who don’t measure up. And to make space for those who will, even the person you barely got started with who’s looking for a second chance. The only question you should be asking yourself is whether this version of them, right now, feels worth getting to know.