Birthdays are special occasions, deserving of recognition. On birthdays, people from near and far, from all parts of your life, seem, like magic, to emerge out of their own busy existence with texts, social media messages, and sometimes plans to celebrate your special day with you. It’s a wonderful feeling to know you’ve made an impression, even in some small way, on the people you’ve met, and sometimes haven’t.
Where these simple, seemingly polite platitudes become a less-than-wonderful experience is when you hear them from an ex you are no longer communicating with due to a recent split, or haven’t spoken to in months or even years, and have gone your separate ways. At the very least, a simple “Happy Birthday” text can leave you scratching your head as to why this person suddenly reached out after nothing but silence and what their intentions are for doing so. Far more concerning is when that outreach has the effect of disrupting your life.
The etiquette surrounding birthday wishes after a breakup is highly debated, and there are a couple of reasons why: The person on the receiving end (1) might not want to hear from their ex, and (2) if they do want to, could misinterpret their ex’s intentions. With these two factors in mind, here’s what to do if you receive an unexpected birthday wish from an ex or are considering sending one.
Ask Yourself How You Feel About Hearing From Your Ex
Upon receiving a birthday text from your ex, ask yourself how you feel about it. Does it make you anxious, or are you happy to hear from them? If you are excited, are you envisioning something happening between you because they wished you a happy birthday?
It’s imperative to take time to understand why you feel the way you do. If you are anxious, is it because this person has the capacity to hurt you emotionally, physically, or both? Have they in the past? Should either scenario be applicable, it’s best to take measures to protect yourself.
If hearing from your ex excites you, it can help to take a step back and examine the birthday message at face value. Are they saying something to you beyond “Happy Birthday,” like “I love you, I’ve missed you, I want us to be together,” in which case their intentions for reaching out are clear? Or does their simple wish leave you wondering what is actually in their head? The answers to these questions should direct how you want to respond, if at all.
Decide Whether You Want to Respond
If you believe your ex’s entrance into your life will cause you harm, either by their deliberate actions or because of the emotions they raise in you, by all means, don’t respond. This may sound harsh and may even sound mean. However, you don’t owe an ex anything, including your attention. This is still true if they accompany their birthday wishes with a grand(er) gesture, such as flowers or a gift. Again, you don’t owe this person so much as a thank you.
On the other hand, if you are happy to hear from your ex and want to reply, you now have your invitation. However, be cautious, as you still don’t know their intentions for reaching out. Yes, it may seem like they want you back, given their reappearance. However, people can have many reasons for reaching out to an ex besides wanting them back. Those reasons could include missing you (but still not wanting a romantic relationship with you), curiosity about what’s going on in your life, guilt about the way they treated you or how things ended, a desire to be friends, a desire to appear the good guy or girl, or wanting sex.
The best way to find out what they want is simply to ask. That may feel awkward to do, but asking can save you heartache. No, you won’t scare them off if they want a relationship with you; they will be more than happy to say that if it’s what they want.
Here’s the critical part: They will then demonstrate through their actions that they are willing to do the work to get you back. Remember, for a relationship to work following a breakup, something has to fundamentally change in the new relationship so you both can move forward feeling more secure as a couple.
Think Long and Hard About the Consequences of Sending a Birthday Wish to Your Ex
Given how much confusion can arise from a birthday wish to an ex, it can be worth spending a few moments considering the effect popping into someone’s life you have history with can have on them. Sure, it may feel good in the moment, and you may get the payoff you’re looking for, but it may not feel so good for your ex and can, in fact, hurt them. Is the benefit to you worth that pain to them?
Unless you mean business, unless you want to try and win your ex back, and unless you feel like your appearance will be welcomed by your ex, it is best to stay silent and let your ex live in peace on their birthday and every other day of the year. If you genuinely care about your ex, your silence may become the best birthday gift you ever give them.