You’re dating someone you like. You enjoy their company, have lots in common, love them (or think you can love them), and see a future together. Then, boom! Seemingly out of nowhere, they pull the plug on the relationship. On you.
You put the phone down or stare at them dumbfounded, not knowing what to do. But there are a few things you can do — and also should not do — if you find yourself in this situation after three weeks, three months, or three years of dating.
Don’t overreact.
It’s natural to feel like you’ve been punched in the stomach, angry, or upset. All of these feelings may make you want to react in a way you will regret after, so the best response is to remain composed, even if you feel like you’re about to explode. Instead, remove yourself from the situation by walking away (into another room if you live together) or by ending the conversation cordially and hanging up the phone.
Depending on the length of the relationship, you may want to simply wish them well. If the relationship necessitates follow-up discussions, such as moving out of a shared residence or exchanging personal items, suggest that you table any discussions about details for a later date. Then, take your own advice and don’t engage further until then, until you’ve had time to collect yourself.
Take time to process the breakup.
The initial time after an unexpected breakup is important for you to compose yourself enough that you will be able to deal with your ex civilly and with a clear head. You may need to make decisions, and you want to make ones that are well thought out. If the relationship was relatively short, and there would be no reason to interact with them again, cut ties altogether.
Go ‘no contact’ as soon as possible.
As soon as you can, go ‘no contact,’ meaning end all interactions with your ex. Do this for a minimum of 30 days to start.
Your ex has broken up with you, which means they now need to live without you. And you need to learn how to live without them so you can move on, more importantly.
If your ex finds they cannot stay away from you, they need to come back in a meaningful way, explaining why they broke up with you and why it will never happen again due to changes they have made in their life. Most times, this isn’t how their contacting you happens.
You may find that once you go no contact, your ex will continue to contact you for any and every reason under the sun — to say hi, to tell you they heard your favorite song, that they ran into your old friend from kindergarten, or to wish you the dreaded happy birthday.
But unless they come back in the way described earlier, in a way that shows they’re regretful and have changed, their reasons for returning usually rest on their needing you to help them get over their own feelings of loneliness or heartbreak. Yes, your ex may feel heartbreak, especially if they like or love you, but know as a couple that you aren’t meant to be together. Even so, it’s not your job to help them get over you. Remember, they dumped you.
That said, the attempts at contact will be hard to resist, especially if they are good at stringing you along with the hope of reconciliation they dangle in your face like a carrot, and you may succumb more than once to their attempts at getting you to talk to them. But when you do, you will typically find your ex does not mean business, that they’re just making sure you’re still there should they need you. This makes you a crutch. It also makes it hard, if not impossible, for you to move forward.
But don’t beat yourself up for falling for their antics. Instead, reset that 30-day clock, starting no contact all over again, hopefully getting further along the next time. Once you get to 30 days, that doesn’t mean you stop no contact and talk to your ex. It just means you’ve reached a milestone in your healing, so congratulate yourself and keep going on without them in your life.
One day, out of nowhere, whether weeks, months or even years later, your ex may stop contacting you. They will have moved on, perhaps with someone else. If you continue to let them into your life, though, when finally this day comes, you will not have moved on, at least in your head, and the news will be hard for you to deal with. Pro tip: Don’t do this to yourself. If you do, you could be mourning your breakup years after it happened.
The best course of action is to take no contact seriously. Don’t pick up the phone. Don’t answer your ex’s texts. Don’t say thank you when they wish you a happy birthday. Don’t react to messages from them they pass on to you through a friend and don’t stay connected with them on social media. Most of all, don’t make excuses. Contact is contact.
Live your best life.
Immediately following the breakup, find yourself some support. This can come from numerous sources, including mental health professionals, friends, family, clergy, and pets.
Next, engage in self-care. Take time to mourn the breakup, but not too long. You can grieve but do so while you’re still engaging with the world, even if it’s by taking small steps into the world. The point is to live the life you envision for yourself by doing what you want to do and what feel comfortable with. This could mean any number of things: going out with old friends, diving into work or school, and taking a vacation. It can also mean engaging in something new, such as diving into a hobby you’ve had your eye on, making positive lifestyle changes, and, when you’re ready, dating again.
Though you probably won’t feel like meeting someone else right away, after processing the breakup thoroughly and feeling confident that you’re over the relationship, you will one day wake up open to finding companionship, friendship, and love elsewhere. Except that now you’ll be armed with all the lessons you’ve learned from your past relationship, making you stronger, more confident, and even more appealing than you were before.