One of the best predictors of relationship success is when two partners share the same values. Values can center around many aspects of life: religion, honesty, family, loyalty, hard work, and money, to name a few.
Of these values, money and how it’s handled are common sticking points for many couples. But does having divergent views about money have to signal incompatibility or the end of a relationship?
The short answer? No.
That said, if you and your partner find you can’t agree about your philosophies on money, you will need to find a way to compromise. Here are a few suggestions about how.
Talk about your vision for the future as a couple.
The word money has a way of getting people’s backs up, so why not remove it from conversations with your partner for the moment? Instead, begin broaching the subject by discussing your shared vision of the future. Given that most ideas will cost money to implement, it will be a natural segue into a more detailed conversation about finances.
Once you have an understanding of how you and your partner envision your own future and yours as a couple, something you should put on paper for both of you to see, you are ready for your next step. And that is to put a price tag on what those visions will cost. Some may be for now, others for later.
Be mindful not to criticize your partner’s vision, even if it doesn’t align with yours at first glance. You want the conversation to continue flowing, keeping in mind that an open communication style is one of the hallmarks of a healthy relationship.
You’re a couple and not joined at the hip, so it’s OK if your partner’s dreams are different from yours. But you do need to figure out how to compromise with one another and figure out whether you have a way to turn those dreams into reality.
Set a household budget.
Be open about your individual financial situation with your partner and discuss yours together. If you live together, set a household budget if you don’t already have one. Talk about who’s contributing what and how much to the relationship, and come to an agreement about what’s fair for your individual circumstances.
Once you have a budget in place, examine it and see what’s left after paying your major expenses and contributing to savings. That’s your vision money. It is the space where you and your partner need to come to terms not only with whether those visions fit into your budget but also whether they fit into your shared lifestyle.
Some goals may have to be put on hold for a while for either reason. But again, be careful not to quash your partner’s desires. How you communicate matters.
Allocate some discretionary money.
If your finances allow, put away some discretionary money, both individually and as a couple. If individual, the amount you are setting aside should be disclosed to your partner. There’s nothing worse than learning your partner isn’t being honest — about anything — including how they’re handling money.
Do keep in mind that no one wants to be told how to spend their money. So once that money is put aside for individual use, set aside to support personal dreams, step back, and let your partner have the autonomy each and every one of us deserves. You should be afforded that same respect from them.
Make a pledge of honesty.
The steps above reflect a willingness to work within your current value systems, not change them. No one, not even your partner, should ask you to change who you are.
But you do need to work within the confines of the relationship you set with your partner. More importantly, you should be honest about your willingness to honor the promises you make to your partner, which apply to money the same as any other promise would.
Make a pledge to your partner and yourself that you will be forthright about your handling of money and will follow of the plan you set as a couple. If, for whatever reason, you have a moment of weakness or need to do something that deviates from the plan, go to your partner and talk to them.
If you’ve built a strong relationship, and you respect it as much as you do your partner, nothing, not even an issue with money, will be able to shake you. Because the value of honesty has no price tag.