Navigating a family feud is tricky under normal circumstances, such as with your own family. Hey, you can’t choose who you’re related to. Now picture this: Your dispute is with your partner’s relative, who has wronged you.
Needless to say, it can be a delicate situation. So, how should you handle it to protect your relationship while continuing to look out for yourself? Here are some suggestions.
Talk to your partner.
First and foremost, talk to your partner about the issue. Let them know what you’ve experienced and how you feel as a result. Your partner might not yet know what’s happening, or they might have some insight into their relative’s behavior, given how they know them better.
When first broaching the topic with your partner, stick to the facts, putting any emotion you have about what’s been going on aside. Consider it a briefing. Then allow your partner some time to process what you’ve just told them because hearing about it could not only be surprising for them, it could also be hurtful and disappointing.
Make sure you have your partner’s buy-in.
Throughout this process, it’s critical that your partner supports you — publicly and privately. Each is important.
In public, you both need to function as a united front. To this end, your partner should make it crystal clear to the family member who has done you wrong and to other family members that while they’re all important, their partner — you — deserves respect, not mistreatment.
In private, your partner likewise needs to demonstrate their support of you because being wronged by someone can be emotionally grueling. Just like during any other difficult time, you should have a partner who’s got your back and is willing to be there for you when you need them most.
Reach out directly to the person who wronged you.
If it’s appropriate and you believe it can be productive, contact your partner's relative who wronged you for a civil conversation. For all you know, there might have been a misunderstanding by them, or they’re unaware of how their actions have affected you.
The discussion could also include your partner but doesn’t have to. Based on their relative’s response, or lack of one, your partner might find it necessary to get involved anyway.
Stay composed.
As alluded to earlier, keep your emotions in check, beginning with your initial discussion with your partner about their relative wronging you and then all discussions that follow. These should include any conversations you might have directly with said relative or their associates.
It’s easy to get angry in the moment. No one’s denying that or your right to be angry. However, to get your point across, it’s critical you do so in a calm and collected manner.
Set boundaries.
If your partner’s relative continues to treat you poorly, set boundaries or reinforce your existing ones by reiterating them. You can do so by limiting your interactions with the person who has harmed you or by stipulating, preferably in writing, that certain behaviors they have engaged in are unacceptable, perhaps even illegal.
Enlist the help of a professional mediator.
If your attempts to reach a resolution with your partner’s relative remain unsuccessful, you might want to suggest professional mediation. A professional mediator or family therapist can provide a safe space for a candid discussion.
Consider turning the other cheek.
If all your attempts to resolve the situation at hand fail, and you still find yourself harmed, you might want to consider turning the other cheek. Ask yourself: What have I lost, and is fighting for it worth all of the aggravation doing so might cause?
At the end of the day, you can’t control anyone else’s behavior, only your own. Indeed, you might fight and fight for what you believe in and what might very well be right and still come out as the loser. If you have a pulse, then you know there are never any guarantees when it comes to righting wrongs.
It’s a personal decision whether you want to let the situation be. It’s also a decision you must live with, so ask yourself earnestly if you believe you can. You might think so at first, then change your mind. Just clarify that you won’t relinquish any legal rights you have by waiting.
What turning the other cheek does not mean is that you have to tolerate mistreatment from anyone else, including your partner’s relative. Self-care could equate to you distancing yourself emotionally and physically from that person after letting things go.
Final thoughts …
Situations where your partner’s relative does wrong by you can take a long time to resolve and might test you in ways you’ve never been tested before. Bowing out is one way to preserve your emotional health while keeping the peace in your relationship with your partner and protecting your and your partner’s relationship with the rest of the family.
That said, the little voice in your head might tell you that righting a wrong, or in extreme cases, seeking justice legally is, in fact, the right path for you, in which case you should explore this option without guilt. Though doing so might cause a stir between your partner and your partner’s family or create tension between the two of you, you shouldn’t have to suffer due to someone else’s bad behavior. No one truly acting in your best interest would ever expect you to.