Ghosting, the abrupt ending of all communication without explanation, usually within the context of dating though friends can ghost, too, can have significant psychological effects. These include feelings of rejection, abandonment, and diminished self-worth. When it involves an ex returning only to disappear again, the confusion and distress intensify.
While understanding the motivations behind why an ex might return just to ghost again can help you to move forward, it likely won’t fully alleviate the pain or confusion you feel, especially when the culprit was someone you once shared a close relationship with. That said, wrapping your head around the possible reasons why they did what they did can provide a measure of closure. Here are a few explanations to consider.
Old habits (and feelings) die hard.
It’s possible your ex was drawn back to you by familiar feelings or memories but found it challenging to communicate directly about them or their intentions. Your ex might have had mixed feelings or second thoughts about the breakup, prompting them to reach out and get caught up, at least for the moment.
They wanted to avoid or feared confrontation.
Once they reconnected with you, they might have realized they were still unsure or not ready to commit, prompting them to exit again. Some people find it difficult to have open and honest conversations about their emotions or intentions, even fear it.
Instead of expressing their true feelings or ending the interaction transparently, they chose to disappear or ghost to avoid such confrontation. Ultimately, the choice to ghost again might have been the route of less discomfort — for them.
They were emotionally immature or unstable.
Some people struggle with handling emotions and relationships maturely and responsibly. Their inability to effectively communicate their needs might be what led to their inconsistent behavior in the first place and eventual ghosting.
It’s also possible your ex was dealing with emotional issues or personal challenges. They might have returned seeking comfort or validation, but once they got it, found it overwhelming to maintain the connection, causing them to do an about-face.
The digital landscape made it easy for them to ghost.
Ghosting has become prevalent in the digital dating age. According to research conducted in 2020 by Raúl Navarro, Elisa Larrañaga, Santiago Yubero, and Beatriz Víllora, between 13% and 23% of U.S. adults have been ghosted.
In the context of your ex returning and disappearing again, the digital landscape might have made it easier for them to do both. Your ex might have decided to re-enter your virtual space following a moment of nostalgia, curiosity, loneliness, or perhaps to see if they could still have you if they wanted to.
Unfortunately, the same digital environment that made the initial reconnection effortless, as it probably was with a DM, text, or email, likely made it equally straightforward for them to exit. Emotional distancing occurs when communication shifts from face-to-face, like during a relationship, to screen-to-screen, as it became when you weren’t in one. The watering down or depersonalization might not excuse the ghosting act, but it does provide some context for why it happens so frequently today.
They came back to play with your emotions.
This explanation is more sinister than the others. But the truth is some individuals engage in manipulative behaviors, using intermittent contact or ghosting to gain power or control over someone else. The behavior can be a sign of an emotionally manipulative person or one who lacks empathy, which means you should celebrate the fact they have gone from your life, hopefully for good this time.
They had already moved on with someone else.
It’s possible your ex had already entered a new relationship or had been seeing someone they wanted to get to know better. After reconnecting with you, they might have realized they were not ready to fully let go of their new partner or confront the emotions associated with your previous relationship. Though they might have still harbored romantic feelings for you, they realized, upon interacting, that you were their past and their current partner, for whatever reason (i.e., compatibility, less intense emotions), was their future.
Your ex might have also felt guilty about moving on. They might have reached out to you hoping to gain closure or alleviate their guilt but found it hard to manage their conflicting emotions, leading them to ghost you once again.
Final thoughts …
Ghosting is fundamentally a manifestation of some combination of poor communication skills, emotional immaturity, and internal conflict. In other words, being ghosted says more about the ghoster than the ghosted. It’s in no way a reflection of your value as a person.
While an ex-partner returning only to ghost again is a painful experience, you can view it as an opportunity for personal growth. In the grand scheme of your relationship experiences, ghosting can be an open invitation to cultivate resilience, build better communication strategies, and establish firmer emotional boundaries.
To that end, don’t let your being ghosted chip away at your self-esteem. Instead, learn from the experience by growing stronger in your capacity to move on quickly from what and who doesn’t serve you. Which should include the memory of someone who chose to disappear.