It’s not uncommon. You walk into a first date excited. You’ve done your homework. You’ve exchanged messages on the dating site where you met, traded texts, spoken on the phone a few times. You like their pictures. You have a lot in common. Then, as you approach, say your hellos, and begin to chat, your heart sinks. You’re not attracted to them. Or, your attraction wanes as the date goes on the more time you spend together. Your takeaway? There’s no chemistry. This isn’t your person.
So what’s a girl or guy to do? A few things, actually. And then there are the things you shouldn’t do. Why? Because that flat date of yours is still not dead in the water. Not because a spark may still ignite. In general, that’s not how attraction works, though there are exceptions when attraction can grow over time. But that’s a discussion for another day. The reason why this particular date still has value is that it can help lead you to the person with whom you do have chemistry, perhaps your future love.
So what should you do not only if you find yourself on a first date where there’s no chemistry but when (because it’s only a matter of time)? I have a few thoughts on the subject.
Be generous with your time and attention.
Think about a first date as you would a job interview. Your goal during a job interview is to come off as calm as possible, no matter how nervous you are. When speaking with the person interviewing you, you would make sure to focus on what they’re saying, so when you answer them, you come off looking professional, composed, intelligent, and pleasant. In other words, someone they and the rest of their sphere – here, the people in the company – would want to know.
The same should be true when you go out on a first (or any number) date because it’s what common decency is all about, even if someone isn’t treating you as they should. At that point, all you have to do is politely excuse yourself and leave. Never stoop to anyone else’s level. But if all is well except for the fact you aren’t feeling chemistry, show them – and yourself – the respect you both deserve by behaving in a way that will make you proud and have no regrets later.
That means behaving in a courteous fashion. Being courteous on a date means showing that you value someone else’s time by showing up when you’re supposed to in a calm manner. It means speaking to another person in a pleasant tone, asking and answering questions, and listening to them.
If you show up frazzled or appear disappointed or distracted on a first date, think about how you will make the other person feel or how you would feel if someone did that to you. Probably not great. So take the time to prepare for your date and flip your mindset a bit if you don’t feel chemistry for the person. Not only are you demonstrating self-respect by showing them respect, which they deserve because they’re a person, too, but the impression you leave could also help or hurt you in the future based on what the person you’ve met chooses to do with that information, which brings me to my second point.
Be aware of what kind of first impression you’re leaving.
The first impression you make is often the last impression someone will have of you, especially with a date you don’t plan to see again. The first impression you make can also last for a long, long time. It’s the memory that a person will have of you for days, months, years, even a lifetime, once you part ways. And because of that, it’s the most important piece of information you can give about yourself.
What someone else does with that information – that first impression – may inevitably change your life. If the person you’re on a first date with, for example, doesn’t feel you’re right for them or accepts however disappointed they are that you aren’t feeling a spark, they may still want to pass your name along to a person they know who they think you will connect with. That may happen immediately, soon, or when you least expect it.
Or they could vouch for what a great person you are based on your time together should someone ask them. The alternative is much, much worse – knowing someone is out there who’s more than happy to tell anyone and everyone what a jerk you are based on the limited information they gleaned when with you. So make your first date experience count.
Be open to new connections.
Being open to new connections, whether on a first date, roaming the aisles of your neighborhood grocery store, or walking down the street, means having a positive mindset. It means realizing that every person you meet can bring some value to your life (and you theirs).
To fully embrace a positive mindset, first, allow yourself to enjoy the time you spend with your date, even if it’s not going to lead to where you once hoped or expected. You may just have a nice night, and that’s worth something. Next, there’s value in what you can potentially learn or gain from your experience together. That could come in the form of a restaurant tip, business advice, a movie suggestion, maybe even a blind date they set you up on down the road. The sky’s the limit.
No, I’m not suggesting you become an opportunist about dating, believing every experience will bring you something positive. Negative dating experiences offer something significant, too – lessons. There are no guarantees about what you will walk away with, but it will be something, I promise. I can also assure you that you won’t benefit from dating if you don’t date. And that with every date, you will get better at dating and envisioning all that it can bring to your life.