You’ve heard countless times of people who’ve gone on several dates and think it’s going well, only to be blindsided by the other person who says they’re no longer interested in moving forward. Or perhaps sensing that the interest of the person they’re dating is waning, they send a text asking if their suspicions are correct, only to get the confirmation they seek. Or they send an innocent text asking to hang only to be met with the same result, that it’s over. Maybe these things have happened to you.
How easy it would be if the dumper left it at that. “We’re done.” “It’s over.” Unfortunately, there is one phrase dumpers use that tends to cause confusion for the dumpee and, as a result, unnecessary pain and the wasting of precious time. And that is: “It’s not you, it’s me.”
Having been helping clients navigate relationships for more than three decades, I’m here to tell you that these five seemingly “nice” words are, in reality, the death knell of not only your relationship but – and here’s the clincher – of any hope that the relationship will pick up again.
Repeat what I’m saying to yourself again if you have to. Because what I’m desperately trying to prevent you from doing is what so many people do when they hear these words, and that’s to hang onto the phrase as a shred of hope this person will eventually come around. Reader, if this behavior describes you, you’re grossly mistaken.
Arguably the most cliché of the breakup-isms, “It’s not you, it’s me,” comes up again and again for me with clients. If they haven’t had it said to them, they’ve used it on others. Although everyone knows it’s cliché, it remains a dating go-to because, in theory, it appears harmless. Even nice because it places the blame for the relationship’s end on the dumper, so, hopefully, the dumpee doesn’t feel as bad.
The problem is that it doesn’t work for two reasons. First, the person getting dumped still feels bad. And second, they think there’s hope.
Despite intentions, the meaning of “It’s not you, it’s me” is actually this: “It’s you, not me. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I want you to go away as soon as possible, and even better is if you go away quietly.” Unfortunately, that message doesn’t usually come through loud and clear. Instead, what happens is the dumpee believes, in error, the dumper will come around when the timing is better for them.
But what about your timing? See where I’m going with this? Take it from me, the words “It’s not you, it’s me” give you all the information you need to know — it’s over now. Not for now. But now. And now has to be enough of a reason for you to move on. Time is precious. Time also equals opportunity, something you never want to squander.
I know what you’re going to say. Their mom is sick, they’re changing jobs, their kid is going through a rough time at school. You’re happy to wait it out. Stick by them. You’re a good person, and so are they.
I hear you. But you need to hear the person who just dumped you, and they don’t want you doing that. Otherwise, they would’ve told you so. They would’ve asked for you to stay or simply not let you go.
I understand that it’s tough to hear. Which is why I have five tips that can help you move forward.
1. Take the words at face value.
This isn’t a rom-com. This is real life, where most people say what they mean, even though they might not say it firmly or loudly enough. But actions? Actions speak for themselves.
So think about this: a person who wants to keep you would never want to put you in a position where they could lose you. On the contrary, they would do everything in their power to keep you close. The last thing they would ever want you to do is date other people. Remember this, if nothing else.
2. Understand it’s also you.
We’ve all heard about the person who received the “It’s not you, it’s me” breakup line, only to watch their ex meet someone else shortly after the breakup and give that person all the things they couldn’t or wouldn’t give to them. Again, this might have happened to you.
The reason why this happened? When someone says, “It’s not you, it’s me,” it really is you because, for the right person, people move mountains. They make sacrifices. Again, they do everything not to lose the person they want.
There are exceptions. But exceptions aren’t anything you can count on. Don’t live for exceptions.
3. Tell them you understand.
If you’re on the receiving end of an “It’s not you, it’s me” breakup speech, tell them you understand, even if you don’t. Even if you think they’re confused, that you can convince them otherwise, that what they’re saying is wrong.
Because, even if, by chance, you can convince them to stay, it will probably be short-lived. Instead, do the following.
4. Leave the conversation (and the relationship) with dignity.
Don’t prolong the inevitable. Say your goodbyes politely, and then go somewhere else to lick your wounds, process the breakup, and give yourself the closure you crave.
Stop yourself from begging. Don’t cry. But do leave with your head held high. You want someone who wants you. You deserve that. Then…
5. Move the #@*% on.
Take time to heal, but not too much time. You don’t want to wallow in sadness and stay stagnated. You want to move the #@*% on. It’s easy to say, but the operative part of this is actually doing it.
Go no contact. Oh, they’re already not communicating with you? Perfect. Now stop following them on social media, asking mutual friends and acquaintances about how they’re doing, and keeping tabs on them, even if you’re not connected, but their profiles are public. In this case, again, it’s you, meaning you have all the power.
So I ask you: what are you going to do with all of this power to now better your life? And, with it, your chances of finding the love you deserve? If you aren’t sure, call me. I have a few more ideas…