When you’re young, time is on your side. At least it appears that way because, as we all know, life is unpredictable. Still, many younger couples, especially those who are marrying for the first time, opt for engagements of around a year to give them ample time to plan their wedding. And that could be after years of dating. Many years. Depending on when a couple first met, a couple could be together for more than a decade before tying the knot, yet still be in their 20s or 30s on the big day, giving them confidence that they know the person they’re marrying well and are making the right decision.
In your 40s, 50s, and beyond, with or without another marriage or marriages in your rearview mirror, you may be inclined when you meet someone you’ve been dating for a few months and have strong feelings for, to move the ball forward quickly. In your 40s, your urgency can come from wanting to start a family. Understandable.
In the decades that follow, the question of how much time you need to know the person you’re marrying often gets overshadowed by concerns that you don’t have as many years to waste getting to know which kind of toothpaste your new partner prefers or what the name of their first-grade teacher was. While neither of these questions is generally important or speaks to the potential quality or depth of a relationship, other questions can be. And if you haven’t given yourself ample time to understand what your partner’s answers to those questions are, you could be in for some unpleasant surprises not too far down the road.
As a matchmaker who has devoted a significant part of my career to supporting singles over 50 in their search for a spouse, I can say with certainty that there’s no magic number of months or years you should wait before marrying. However, there are certain steps you can take to feel confident in your choice of a spouse and give your marriage the highest likelihood of success. Those steps follow.
Have the Hard Conversations
This doesn’t (and shouldn’t) be done all in one sitting, but there are a few topics of discussion you should address before combining your life with a partner. At the top of the list should be values. Not just around what’s right and wrong generally, but about sensitive topics many of us like to avoid, such as finances (income, holdings, debt, credit score, and spending patterns, for example, including what you like to spend on and what you don’t), religion, politics, and children (not just raising them but boundaries with adult children and their place in your financial picture together).
You not only want to know what your future partner’s financial picture looks like, but also how they see you and anyone else in your orbit (children and aging parents) fit into it. You will likewise want to share your thoughts on those same topics with them. Your new partner deserves to know what they’re getting into, too.
If, for example, you plan on supporting an adult child through graduate school or will be caring for an aging parent, you need to be transparent about that. In terms of lifestyle, if you like to travel internationally four times a year, but your partner either doesn’t want to do the same or wants to but doesn't have the means, you need to know this.
On a lesser scale, if they’re going to complain that you like to buy organic fruits and vegetables due to the higher cost, you need to know these types of details as well. People with considerable wealth can be set in their ways just as people without it, and what you learn about your partner may surprise you, and vice versa. Again, you should know these things.
The same holds for religion. And not just religion per se, but values and the keeping of traditions, including day-to-day and weekly ones. If your new partner expects you to accompany them to a weekly service at their house of worship, or you want to stay with your house of worship and not move over to theirs, these are conversations that must be had.
Politics is its own can of worms and can be deeply tied to many of the values that define your partner personally and your relationship as a whole. Bottom line: Have the conversations before walking down the aisle and learn as much as you can, giving yourself sufficient time to do both so that you can feel comfortable.
Live Together First
The words all might gel for you, but anyone can say anything that they think you’ll want to hear. Not just because they intend to deceive you. But because they actually believe what they’re saying and that they can uphold the promises they’re making, something that may prove harder or impossible later when they go and try. It’s for this reason that I suggest couples, especially older couples, who’ve had decades to become set in their ways (not a bad thing, but just a fact), live together before marrying.
You’ll learn much of what you need to know when you’re in the same space, from where they throw their dirty underwear to whether they’ll help you with the dishes after a meal. You’ll get to see their mood swings and how they handle conflict.
The more time you spend together in the same space, the more difficult it becomes to fake who you are with any consistency. I recommend living together for at least a year at this stage of life, as it becomes increasingly difficult to hide certain aspects of your personality for that long, though not impossible. Some people are better actors than others.
The point is to put yourself in a situation where you and your partner can decide if you’re compatible in the little things as much as the big ones. Little issues, by the way, can become big ones. Yes, some details you may have to compromise on, and your partner will, too. But the operative question is, are you and they going to be willing?
Protect Yourself Legally
On its face, protecting yourself legally may not seem like a romantic gesture before embarking on your and your partner’s life together, but it actually can be. Co-habitation agreements and prenuptial agreements (prenups) allow you and your partner to say to each other that you don’t want anything to get in the way of your happiness. Not secrets, not what’s been left unsaid because it’s uncomfortable.
Because, you know what will become more uncomfortable? Worry or animosity after you or your partner said or did something in regard to one of the values above that you or they didn’t like or agree with, and now have to live with.
Far better in the planning stage, when you’re both most excited about one another and the future, is to iron out any differences that may exist and come to agreements you and your partner would be able to rely on if you had to, but hopefully won’t. Only when you give yourself enough time can you complete such agreements, not only with thought but also in accordance with your state’s laws, which may have specific waiting periods and other guidelines.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t buy the flowers, pick out the menu, and book the honeymoon. Do it. But be sure you can also rest easy, knowing time is on your side because you’ve used it wisely.