So often, we spend time analyzing the red flags that come up in early dating and whether they’re worth breaking up over. While this is smart dating, your job is not done. There’s another, equally important time to do a relationship audit, and that is when your existing relationship no longer feels quite right. It’s not bad, but it’s not great either.
While you and your partner may be going through a lull, which can happen in a relationship and is normal if it’s short-lived, there are also early warning signs that your relationship may no longer be working should certain behaviors or feelings persist. If this sounds familiar, here’s what to look out for.
Your Partner Doesn’t Listen to You Anymore
You may be longing for the good old days, when your partner hung on your every word. They listened to you rant about what happened at work that day, who’s dating whom this week, and the story about the time you found a worm in your salad in what was once your favorite restaurant.
These days, things are different. More than a handful of times, your partner has cut you off while you’re mid-sentence, only to change the subject to talk about something else, something inane. More than that, your partner doesn’t remember what you’ve told them. Or if you have told them something, they reprimand you for repeating yourself, even if you were talking about something that’s been bothering you.
On the flip side, you behave this way to them. Just the sound of their voice is like nails on a chalkboard to you, and the stories you once found entertaining now make you want to put your hands over your ears and scream.
These are all signs your relationship isn’t serving you. And, because your problem is really with your partner, not only their behavior, the situation may not be curable.
Your Partner No Longer Seems to Care About Your Feelings or Health and Well-Being
In line with the above, it’s become painfully obvious that your partner no longer cares about your feelings or your health and well-being. Sick? You’re just whining or overreacting. Expect help with the dishes after preparing a meal? They’ll do it later because they know you’ll never leave the mess. Expecting to get a good night’s sleep? Good luck, because what you can now expect is a ruckus when they come into the bedroom.
If you’re feeling this way about your partner and just don’t give a damn, same deal: It’s a sign your relationship is on a downswing. People who care about each other demonstrate that care through actions. Even if they say they care, if their behaviors tell a different story, you need to read between the lines.
Your Are No Longer Attracted to Your Partner
When you have a partner who treats you badly, or simply not well, it’s a breeding ground for resentment. When you resent someone, it’s quite difficult, if not impossible, to feel attraction for them. As your attraction for your partner wanes, they become resentful and less attracted to you as well. The result is that you do your best to avoid them, especially intimacy.
You and Your Partner Are Living Separate Lives Under One Roof
As attraction turns to disgust, but you can’t escape your partner because you live together, because it’s not a convenient time to break up (not a good reason, by the way), or because you are giving your relationship the old “college try” since you’ve got time in (another weak reason to stay), you inevitably start living separate lives. You’re doing your thing, they’re doing theirs, and you’re meeting somewhere in the middle, usually at Costco, so you each make sure to get what you want.
In other words, the time you spend together, as limited as it is, is a means to some end. This, dear Reader, is not a healthy relationship and a sign that something is drastically wrong.
You Would Rather Be Alone Than in Their Company
With all of these factors at play, is it really surprising to you that you (or they) would rather be alone? The thing is, if you’re in a healthy relationship, it won’t be this way.
No, you don’t need to be and should not be joined at the hip with your partner. Having individual interests and time on your own or with friends is imperative for maintaining independence and autonomy in a relationship. However, if your partner canceling plans or going on a work trip excites you because you won’t have to see them, you are in trouble.
This leaves only one question: Is this how you want to live?