The road to a healthy, committed relationship is not always straight. It can take some twists and turns along the way to finally reach a place and time where the relationship fits both partners and their lives. In addition, getting to this point may have meant taking time apart from weeks, months, or years.
During these periods, people often engage in exploration — of themselves and others. These periods of separation don’t usually have an end date, meaning there was likely a breakup with no stated intention to get back together one day. That means no one’s thinking about whether their current behavior would upset or anger their ex. After all, living a self-regulated life, living for someone else essentially, is not really living.
That said, should a reconciliation occur, elements of the past, whether the former relationship or what transpired with others during the break, could creep into the rekindled relationship. “Friends” fans will all remember what happened when Ross and Rachel were on a break, including their respective interpretations of what was acceptable behavior and what wasn’t, and how Ross’s actions during said break frequently became a topic of conversation once they were back together.
Though not real life, Ross and Rachel’s sometimes bumpy relationship illustrated how tricky it can be to reconcile after a breakup. But, as they demonstrated, as have so many around the world, including those who were married and then divorced, only to marry again years later, it is possible to come to a place of understanding and move forward as a couple. With this in mind, if you are considering reconciling with an ex, consider the following three pieces of advice for how to keep the past from destroying your future together.
Discuss what will change in your relationship this time around.
An important part of reconciliation is not falling into old patterns, the ones that led you to where you are now. For a reconciliation between two romantic partners to work, something has to have changed for one or both partners.
That could mean many different things: maturity, becoming financially stable, getting sober, or recognizing that the breakup was a mistake, among others. Whatever the explanation, it must be out in the open, and there must be a commitment to change moving forward.
Without this commitment, the same issues that plagued the relationship previously will emerge, potentially along with new issues, until you find yourself (a) in an untenable relationship and (b) facing another breakup. That is not a good use of either your or your partner’s time, not to mention it’s emotionally grueling.
Work through any potentially upsetting events that took place during your time apart.
Not every person will feel great learning what their partner did while they were apart. Ross, for example, slept with someone else after he and Rachel had a fight, causing a big hiccup in Rachel’s willingness to reconcile. This situation could have easily been avoided had there been a clear expression and agreement about whether they were on a break and what they could do during it. The lesson: If you are breaking up, make sure there’s an understanding of what that will entail.
Agreement or not, any potentially upsetting events that took place while apart should be cause for discussion as part of the reconciliation. To a point. You don’t need to disclose every interaction you had.
However, if there’s some way that this past will present a problem, such as a disgruntled ex continuing to come around or deciding to keep a post-breakup romantic interest in the mix as a friend, you need to work it out in a way that will honor your new commitment. If not, there will always be an elephant in the room, one that will make itself known the moment there’s tension between you.
Agree to leave the past in the past once you’ve hashed it through.
Once you and your partner have agreed on the terms of your new relationship, leave the past in the past. Whatever you each did and with whom should not be up for debate or critique by your partner. You were not together during that time; therefore, these events should have no bearing on who you are now as a couple.
Truth be told, moving forward after certain past events can be difficult for many people. If you are one of those people, i.e., someone who has difficulty trusting or just can’t get past the ick factor knowing what your partner has been doing while you were apart, reconciliation may not be the right move for you, despite how much you may love and care for your partner.
Leaving the past in the past could mean leaving your partner there, too. In any reconciliation, you must feel comfortable in a way that will enable you to take elements of your shared history and build upon them. No one knows what the future holds, except perhaps that there won’t be one if you can’t let go of a past that’s holding you back.