Start with Self-Check: Where Are You Now?

Before dating, it’s important to make sure you’re ready for the investment of time, money, intention, and emotion that dating demands, at least if you plan on doing it “well,” whatever well means to you. Your self-check should not be a fleeting thought, either.

Rather, you should think through your decision to start dating over a period of days, weeks, or even months, reminding yourself that you are always free to stop if you don’t feel comfortable. This is your life and you are in control of it.

Know What You’re Looking For, and What You’re Not

Consider what qualities you are looking for in a partner. Also, think about a potential partner’s lifestyle and whether you believe it will mesh with yours.

If, for example, you are using a dating app and come across someone who enjoys frequenting breweries or is interested in wine tastings, this may not be something you’re comfortable with or will be interested in. While it may have been in the past, you are who you are today. Having a clear picture of who you’re looking for will help weed out obvious mismatches early.

Be Honest About Your History (When You're Ready)

It’s helpful for the health of a burgeoning relationship to be honest about your history early on, but only when you’re ready. How early will, again, depend on you and your comfort level. For some people, that may mean putting it in their dating profile. For others, it might mean having a conversation a few dates in if it looks like a relationship is taking hold.

The subject of addiction could be part of a conversation you initiate, or it could come up organically. What’s important is not hiding a part of yourself that could be relevant to someone else’s decision-making when choosing a partner they will be comfortable with.

It’s better to know sooner rather than later if some aspect of your life will change that person’s thoughts on a relationship. Your time is valuable, and you are valuable. So, you want to find someone who wants to be with you. All of you.

Pay Attention to How You Feel Around Them

As in any new relationship, you will want to pay close attention to how you feel not only when you are in the company of someone you’re dating but also when you’re apart. Both are telling.

If you are relaxed and comfortable either way, that is a good sign. But it doesn’t mean you have met your “one” just yet. This is a question to ask continually, as people reveal more about themselves over time.

Remember, you are evaluating your partner just as much as they are evaluating you. While someone may be a great person, it doesn’t mean they will be s great relationship partner for you. This holds even if they are fully supportive of your recovery.

Protect Your Routine and Wellness

While dating, or if you end up getting into a serious relationship, always take care to protect the routine you’ve established that helps you stay sober or clean. This will create a strong foundation for your relationship and your life.

You are, as always, your own best advocate, meaning that your health and wellness must always remain your priority. If you find that the person you’re dating or the relationship you’re in as a whole is putting that at risk, it’s time to reassess whether you’re situation is one you want to remain in.

A strong relationship not only keeps its partners strong, but it also makes them stronger as couples and as individuals. This is because there is power in numbers, especially when it’s two people who love and support each other. So ask yourself: Are you, or could you be, that person for the one you’re with, and, just as importantly, are they or could they be that for you?

Being in recovery from alcohol or drugs is an accomplishment worthy of celebration. The road to get there was undoubtedly difficult for the person who traversed it, and it is never far from their mind.

As someone who has not been on this path, dating an individual who has may cause you to wonder if you should get involved with them. After all, as an outsider, there’s no way for you to fully know or understand what challenges getting to that place of recovery entailed or the challenges they face every day to stay there.

With these considerations in mind, should you give someone in recovery a chance as a relationship partner? Here are a few questions you may want to consider.

Are you understanding of addiction as a disease?

Addiction is a disease. A chronic disease. As a chronic disease, it’s possible to get it under control so that its ill effects never resurface, but if the conditions are right, it’s best to remember that it could. And if it does, it can dismantle the life the person in recovery has worked hard to create, as well as dismantle the lives of those around them.

For those who’ve been around addiction, they’ve seen and, therefore, know what addiction can look like in its worst moments. For those who haven’t, it can be a struggle to comprehend how a relapse can happen and what it takes to recover from it, which will invariably include the support of the people in that person’s life. Support that they may or may not be willing to admit they need or accept readily.

This all can be a jolt for someone unfamiliar with addiction. That said, it doesn’t mean you can’t become more literate on the subject.

Are you interested in learning more about addiction?

If you are up for learning more about addiction because you want to support a partner, there’s much to learn. Though you may never understand completely what it’s like to be addicted to alcohol or drugs if that hasn’t been your life experience, there are copious resources available to become more fluent in addiction. Learning more can help you not only decide whether you want to be in a relationship with someone in recovery but also what your relationship could look like on its worst days.

Informed decisions are usually the ones you won’t regret later. Not to mention, there are no guarantees with anything in life, including that someone who’s never been addicted will develop addiction later.

Are you in a position to be supportive of a partner who’s in recovery?

When considering dating someone in recovery, it’s helpful not only to think about what could happen if that person relapses and what your role in that situation would be, but also to imagine what your support would require when they’re doing well and at their strongest. Here’s why.

Being in recovery requires an ongoing commitment from the individual who has the disease. It stands to reason that they shouldn’t be with someone who won’t be tolerant of their need to not be in situations that could compromise their well-being. Are you in a place in your life where you are willing to make your partner part of your decision-making for the choices you make for yourself?

If having a cocktail, for example, is something you enjoy and are not willing to give up, it’s helpful to be honest with yourself and your potential partner early on. It may not bother them at all. But in all fairness, they, too, should know more about your likes and habits before they decide to date you. A real relationship requires commitment from both partners to succeed.

Are you willing to love someone for who they are?

Someone who has an addiction in their past may have moments behind them as well that they aren’t proud of or wish didn’t happen. This, of course, goes for anyone, but for someone who’s dealt with an addiction, those feelings can be more pronounced.

The last thing an individual in recovery will need in their life is a partner who holds their past against them. More than that, like you, they will need someone to love them for who they are. Ask yourself honestly: Are you capable of being that person for them?

Final Thoughts

People everywhere, especially as we age, can suffer from a chronic illness. Addiction is just one of these diseases. However, like every disease, it has its unique characteristics, making it wise to familiarize yourself with them before taking on the role of partner.

Genuine partnerships involve good days, bad days, and monotonous days. That’s life. And in life, we all have choices, including whether we are up for the job of being the strong and devoted partner someone else deserves.

Tips for Dating When You’re in Recovery for Alcohol or Drugs