“And just like that, I realized some relationships are meant to stay in the past,” said Carrie Bradshaw, “And some aren’t.” With that, Carrie clicked send on the email she had in her drafts to former love/r Aidan.
It’s what viewers had been waiting for in the “Sex and the City” revival series, “And Just Like That.” But was it smart for Carrie? Or smart for anyone else looking in the rearview mirror for what could’ve been?
Perhaps.
As with any relationship decision, motivation matters when deciding to reconnect with an ex. So, too, do the possible benefits, not to mention the detriments. Which is why it can help to think your decision through before moving forward. Here’s what you should consider.
Your Reasons for Reaching Out to an Ex
There could be one driving reason for reaching out to an ex, but usually, there are numerous that could overlap. The most common are:
You’re feeling nostalgic. Whenever you think of this person, you feel all warm and fuzzy. Your relationship was mostly good, or at least that’s how you remember it now. For you, those were the good old days, and you want to feel that way again. The question of the hour, however, is what’s making you feel nostalgic?
Check your reasons because if they’re being driven by some inner turmoil, as in your life isn’t going for you exactly as you planned, your nostalgia could be something else in disguise. In which case, you shouldn’t reach out until you figure out what that is.
You hear they’re moving on with someone else. You don’t really want this person anymore, at least not forever, but the thought of them with someone else is bothering you. Note: This is not a good reason to reconnect with an ex.
You need closure. You feel a need to tie up loose ends. Understandable. Just as long as you understand that your ex owes you nothing, including closure. If they decide not to give it to you, remember closure is something you can give yourself.
You’re curious. What has your ex been doing all this time? Are they happy? Do you want to share what’s going on in your life? However, if it’s idle curiosity, keep in mind that your ex still might not be receptive to sating your curiosity.
You want to reignite a lost spark. So there it is: You think you want them back and would like to explore the possibility. That’s a fine and good reason, but once you’re clear with yourself that this is why you’re reconnecting — what your true intentions are — you need to consider a few other factors in your decision-making before reaching out.
Factors to Consider Before Reaching Out to an Ex
Before reconnecting with an ex, ask yourself the following questions.
Are you emotionally prepared? When reconnecting with an ex, you need to consider the possibility that they won’t be as excited as you are to interact. You could get a welcome response (just not the warm welcome you were hoping for), a nasty response, or none at all. Are you OK with any and all of the above scenarios?
Have you thought about boundaries? Reconnecting with an ex sets the stage for a new relationship, platonic or otherwise, which means the boundaries you had before probably won’t apply or stick. Time has gone by. Also, if you had a boundary in place to not have contact, keep in mind that you’ve just violated that boundary by reaching out.
Is the timing right? Have you thought about the timing of you reaching out, not just for yourself but also for your ex? For example, if you’re about to move clear across the country and your ex currently lives an hour away, is this the best time for you to pop up only to announce you’re leaving? Has your ex recently gotten married? You might want to think twice about potentially disrupting your ex’s happiness.
How to Approach a Reconnection
If, after considering all of the above, you still want to reach out to your ex, your method for doing so matters. Here are a few suggestions about how to go about it.
Be honest and forthright. Your ex could very well say to you, “Why are you contacting me?” or “What is it that you want?” Tell them in a straightforward way, giving them one of the reasons discussed above or any other you might have. But when you do …
Keep your expectations in check. Your ex owes you nothing. You’re exes, after all, and they’ve been living a life up to now that doesn’t include you. It still might not, even after reaching out.
Keep in mind that your ex might not remember the past as you do. Perception is reality, and your ex might have a different recollection of your history together than you do. It could make them unreceptive to your communication or want to reopen old wounds.
Respect their boundaries and decisions. This includes the possibility they're uninterested in reconnecting. If this happens, move forward and congratulate yourself for being brave enough to try. You did what you could.
The Benefits of Reconnecting With an Ex
Whether or not your ex is receptive to your attempt to reconnect, there can be numerous benefits for doing so.
Perspective. After time spent apart, you can gain perspective on past events and see them in a new light.
Closure. If you can get closure from your ex, good for you. But if you can’t, all hope is not lost. Closure is very much a gift we can give ourselves.
Understanding. You can gain understanding of your ex, your former relationship, and most importantly, yourself.
A fresh start. A second chance to leave the past in the past and start a new relationship from where you are now.
Potential Downsides and Risks of Reconnecting With an Ex
As with any matter of the heart, there are risks. Risks you must weigh against the benefits. They are:
Not everyone will be receptive or interested in reconnecting.
Digging up past memories can lead to emotional upheaval or reopen old wounds.
There may be unmet expectations or misunderstandings that come from this new interaction.
The dynamic between you and your ex might have shifted due to the past and the passage of time, meaning things won’t ever be the same.
Final thoughts …
The decision to reconnect with an ex is a complicated one. As for Carrie and Aidan, and whether Carrie should’ve emailed Aidan, her motivations for reaching out feel like they’re on the up and up. She’s mourned the loss of Big. She’s made a couple of legitimate attempts at romance that didn’t pan out, and she doesn’t mean Aidan any harm.
That said, even though Carrie’s intentions are true, it doesn’t mean reaching out won’t be messy for either of them. Quite poignantly, what Aidan’s reemergence in “And Just Like That” teaches us about revisiting a past relationship is the complexity of emotions that can come with it.
As time goes by, life can get in the way of even the best intentions. And chemistry, for that matter. Similar to any other healthy relationship that’s built to last, when reconnecting with an ex, compatibility and aligned goals will reign supreme. Which leaves Carrie and Aidan with an even bigger decision to make: Will a future together ever be possible?