As a matchmaker, I see the same narrative time and again: men worrying they will be used for their money, even when they don’t have much of it or anything at all. You know them, the men who speak about gold-digging with contempt, as if this happening to them is somehow a real threat. All the while, they harbor the secret that they have meager savings, debt, and are irresponsible in every way imaginable.
Lacking the means to take care of a partner, let alone themselves, these men’s fear of being exploited may appear irrational to the outsider looking in since there’s nothing to exploit. Rest assured, though, this web they weave makes perfect sense to these so-called vulnerable men.
That’s because if a man can convince a woman early on that she can expect little from him, he won’t have to dole out as much in dinners, entertainment, and travel. And maybe, just maybe, if he’s lucky enough, the woman will take pity on him and pick up the slack in exchange for some sweet talk and feigned affection, the kind that costs him nothing and usually ends up leading nowhere for her.
The problem? (Besides the obvious, that is.) Women not only believe this story but also absorb it far too often, leading them to suppress their ambitions, lower their expectations, and settle for empty promises rather than actions.
Even more dangerous, it can feel to women as if they must prove they are not interested in money before they can accept any modicum of support, security, or partnership. Meanwhile, the men who are experts at this deception demand complete devotion while offering very little in return.
So, how should you feel about men who categorize women (and even have the gall to say it to their faces) with any expectations from a partner as gold diggers? In a nutshell, not good. Here are the reasons why,
Wanting Stability Is Normal
Partnership requires effort, accountability, and shared responsibility. Therefore, wanting a partner who can and will provide practical and financial stability shouldn’t be considered gold-digging.
Women, women like you, have every right to want love, companionship, and emotional connection while expecting a partner to contribute to the relationship and, if you share one, to the household. Asking for this is never too much and should be considered not just normal but the norm. The issue is thus not women wanting too much but men seeing basic effort, reliability, and consistency as exploitation.
Astonishing, yes. Misguided, a double yes. Why? Because sharing responsibility isn’t a burden; it’s the minimum effort required for a healthy relationship. Without this basic understanding, there’s little hope for relationship success and a greater likelihood that resentment will build for both partners (more about this later). As it does, the foundation of the relationship, if there ever was a foundation, weakens. Unfortunately, too often, so does the woman, in every way imaginable.
But women don’t often see this far into the future because they are so hyper-focused on wanting a relationship. One that looks shiny on the outside, even if it is dark on the inside. So they compromise their expectations, and, in the process, themselves.
How Women Adjust to Overcome the Gold Digger Misnomer
Women often make adjustments to avoid being labeled as gold diggers. They lower their expectations, accept promises without follow-through, and tolerate inconsistent behavior. They do this to avoid conflict and protect their image as loving, genuine, and low-maintenance, i.e., not a gold digger.
The reality is that women in this trap often do most of the work in the relationship, and in many cases, long before living with their partner or getting married. At the same time that these women manage their own careers, finances, and emotions, these gold-digger-fearing men place high expectations on the woman they’re with to nurture, support, and care for them in exchange for their devotion.
For the woman to ask for anything more is to take advantage since they’re already getting something they want in return for their efforts. The thing is, these efforts aren’t balanced. Scratch the surface, and the devotion is often not altogether there either.
Understanding Authentic Contribution in a Relationship
A partnership in which both partners are equally devoted requires contributions in several forms: financial participation, emotional support, household work, and planning. This is just for starters. These actions, and many more, are all part of building a life together and need to be demonstrated by both partners.
When men don’t perform these actions, it signals their unwillingness to engage fully in the relationship. Talking about what they will do is not enough. The thing is, you can only have so many conversations before you have to face the reality that this person, and your relationship, isn’t changing, at least for the better.
Facing Reality
If this discussion sounds all too familiar, it’s time to stop perpetuating the myth that men without resources are victims of manipulation and see this narrative for what it is. And that is that the gold-digger label is a mechanism men use to deflect responsibility.
The thing is, not only is this practice dangerous for women, it’s risky for men, since they can never reach their potential living in their partner’s shadow. The result is a culture of angry men who resent women for their own shortcomings. Everyone caught up in this cycle loses.
Fortunately, not everyone is caught up in this cycle, especially if they recognize the risk of it early on with a partner and remove themselves from it. This applies to women just as much as it does to men. There are good people out there: women who understand that asking for a partnership doesn’t make her a gold digger, and men who aren’t afraid to man up and provide it.