You’ve been together a while now. You meet up a few times a week, go out on real dates regularly, are on each other’s social media full throttle, and have relationships with one another’s friends and family. Everything appears to be going along well, at least to onlookers. But you have a secret, or rather, your partner does. You’ve discovered that without your knowledge, they’ve been communicating regularly with their ex the entire time you’ve been together, indicating your partner can’t let go of their past.
A situation far too common, those blindsided by such behavior are often too close to the problem and, therefore, unclear on what to do next about their discovery. As a matchmaker supporting singles for over three decades, I have a clear path to help those going through this, perhaps you, so that you can make informed decisions about your future. The steps on that path are as follows.
Get your facts straight.
Yeah, it’s easy to give it an “iykyk” and go ballistic on your partner. But all that will do is cause them to react by either shutting down or gaslighting you to protect the guilty. Either way, you won’t get the information you need. Worse is that if you’re wrong, and you could be if you have suspicions but haven’t yet been able to nail down the facts, you may blow up your relationship over nothing due to your own insecurities. You wouldn’t be the first.
Instead, gather as much information as possible so that it will be more difficult for your partner to explain it away when you confront them. Here’s the goal: You want them to offer you one good reason why you got it all wrong. Though possible, these storylines are usually the stuff of movies.
Confront your partner about your suspicions calmly.
Though you will be asking the questions, you must also listen and evaluate your partner’s responses carefully. This includes what they say and do during the conversation and then in the following minutes, hours, and days. Your blood may be boiling inside of you, but it’s still not an excuse to lose your cool. Good investigators never do, and you, dear Reader, are on a fact-finding mission.
Confide in others about your situation.
If you suspect your partner has wronged you, your first instinct will probably be to reach out to those who love and care about you for advice and support. While this is natural and smart, you need to take the support you get from where it’s coming from, meaning that you need to account for the likelihood that it may not be neutral. After all, the people who love you will likely also be angry. This, too, is natural, so don’t fault them for it.
You can, however, supplement the guidance you receive from friends and family by connecting with others you trust not to share your information and who may have experience with what you’re going through. This can be a support group (online or in person), a mental health professional, or a relationship expert. Varying perspectives plus adequate fact-finding can direct your decisions further toward ones you will feel good about.
Assert your independence.
After being with the same partner for a long time, you may have, like many people, put some of your interests or self-care rituals on the back burner. The thing is, when you’re feeling your most vulnerable, it's a strategic time to begin re-focusing your attention on yourself. This is true regardless of what happens between you and your partner moving forward.
Like everything else described above, rediscovering what makes you you will help get you back to your core values and, along with that, help you decide what kind of future fits the person you are and what you believe in. This includes who you want to be a part of that future.
Put some distance between you and your partner.
This can mean different things to different people. It can mean ending the conversation, leaving the room, or going out of town for a few days to think. Yes, you will need adequate time to process what has happened and what your partner has said about it. You can’t do this the way you’ll need to with them breathing down your neck every minute of the day.
When you make decisions you’ve thought through, you’re more likely to be comfortable with them and, as a result, less likely to change your mind afterward or live with regret, which is no way to live. Remember, your highest good lies in creating a happy, stable future for yourself, leaving only one question: Does this person offer you what you need to do that?