7 Things You Need To Know About Dating Divorced Dads

When looking for a match, it will only be a matter of time before you stumble on a divorced dad, if you haven't already. You read his profile, and it seems like you would get along well. Then you realize he has kids. So you ask yourself: Should I give him a chance? Based on what you've heard about single dads, you think he may already have a lot on his plate.  

Your assessment is likely correct. However, I would still advise you to give divorced dads a chance because it's important to judge everyone individually. But before you leap without looking, you should understand divorced dads are different from other single men, including divorced men without kids. As a result, dating a divorced dad can come with certain, let's just call them, environmental conditions, which may or may not be right for you.  

Depending on your dating objectives, the differences which set divorced dads apart could lead you to the guy you've been looking for for so long. Here's what you need to know. 

1. His children will come first. 

Before discussing anything else related to dating divorced dads, it's critical to understand that if he's a good parent, he will almost certainly put the needs of his children before the needs of any person he starts seeing. In a relationship with a man without children, including divorced men, you may be used to him seeing you as a priority. 

For your relationship to work, though, you need to be OK with him choosing his children over you sometimes, if not most of the time. And it's completely OK for you not to be OK with that. But if that's the case, I would advise you to spare yourself the heartache and not date a divorced dad. Not for nothing, if the divorced dad you're seeing isn't putting his children's needs first, you can consider that a red flag, as you should want to see a potential partner who's also a parent prioritize their children's needs. 

2. He may not be divorced. 

This tip is one that many women take for granted but is highly important nonetheless. People who are separated are not legally divorced. So while the relationship may be over emotionally, the marriage isn't. Even so, many people start dating again. 

In general, dating a separated man can be risky. At any time, he can decide to give his marriage another chance. He also may not have finalized his divorce because there are still unresolved conflicts between him and his future ex-spouse, particularly when there are children involved, which he can find consuming. Consequently, a divorced dad may not be emotionally ready for a relationship in the way you hope him to be and is rebounding from his marriage. Ultimately, I would advise people dating a separated man to tread with caution and evaluate the circumstances surrounding his separation on a case-by-case basis. 

3. How his marriage ended can be telling. 

Not usually a first-date conversation, nor do I recommend it to be one, but for divorced dads, the reason for their divorce is an inevitable conversation you may have relatively early on. When you do, listen to the way he talks about the collapse of his marriage.  

What caused him to divorce? If, for instance, he cheated, you may want to ask yourself if you believe he would cheat again in the future, possibly on you. Does he solely blame his ex, or does he take accountability? Has he learned from his divorce? The answer to each of these questions can affect your decision to continue dating. 

4. His relationship with his ex-wife can say a lot about him. 

Then, of course, there's a divorce dad's ex-wife. She's the mother of his children, so she will always be a part of his life. If you date a divorced dad, you need to get used to that. Not to mention, the way he interacts with his ex can also impact your relationship. Do they have a healthy relationship, or are they fighting all the time, causing him — and you — stress? 

Some men are known to complain about their "crazy" ex-wife, who very well may be crazy. However, it's also possible he's hurt emotionally, so he bad-mouths her regularly to compensate. You should be wary of this behavior, as he might not be over his ex quite yet.  

On the other end of the spectrum are divorced dads who are too friendly with their ex. Ideally, their relationship should be amicable. It should be cordial with boundaries, not too antagonistic, but not too friendly either. Parents should co-parent together for the benefit of the children. If the relationship the divorced dad you're dating has with his ex crosses boundaries to a point you feel uncomfortable, you may want to examine why and ask yourself whether this person is right for you.  

5. He may still be recovering from his marriage. 

Divorce is more than an ordinary breakup; it's a legal and financial dissolution. As a result, divorce is mentally taxing and can leave some men carrying a lot of emotional baggage for a long time afterward. For your relationship to work, you need to be understanding of this.  

Because marriage is such a multi-faceted relationship, a divorced dad may not be on the same relationship timeline as you. He may want to take things slower, especially if he needs to adjust to single parenting while making sure his children are OK. After a long marriage and subsequent divorce, particularly if it was a nasty one, it can take time to trust someone new.  

6. Forcing the relationship could scare him away. 

When kids are involved, you may feel tempted to push your relationship with a divorced dad forward by asking to meet his kids early on or accepting a premature invitation from him to meet them. This can be a mistake, especially if the relationship is still new. Meeting kids can make a relationship feel more serious than it is and, as a consequence, cause him to get cold feet.    

It can also put stress on your relationship if the kids are not particularly thrilled with the idea of meeting you. There are many reasons why children may not like their dad's new love interest. First and foremost, you're not their mother.  

Kids may also become jealous that someone is dividing their father's attention. Pressure from kids can cause a divorced dad to rethink his relationship choices. Better to establish your relationship with a divorced dad first before bringing in the troops.  

7. He will respond well if you're patient with him. 

Dating a divorced dad will test your patience. He may need to reschedule dates when something comes up with his children. His time and bandwidth may also be limited as he tries to balance work, family, an ex, finances, and now you.  

But if you're up to the task, you may find that the divorced dad you're dating and the life that comes with him is right for you. And that you couldn't imagine living your life without him in it.  

Why Men Use Such Horrible Photos in Their Online Dating Profiles, and What Women Want To See Instead

After devoting lots of time and effort to crafting the perfect online dating profile, it's finally time to sift through the myriad of men's online dating profiles to find a match. But, if you're like a lot of women, once you start the process, you probably come across more than your fair share of less than appealing profile pictures, causing you to wonder why a guy would ever post such unappealing photos of themselves.  

At that point, you may even jump ship until the next time when you summon the strength to try again. Though most guys don't realize it, there are a few reasons why men use such horrible photos in their online dating profiles, which even they may not be aware of.  

If you've ever been close with a man — a romantic partner, a family member, or a platonic friend — you may have observed how a lot of men don't like to take pictures. At least, they don't like to be in pictures. They rarely, if ever, ask to take photos, so on special occasions, such as vacations or when you're both all dressed up, you're often the one to make the dreaded request. And even then, the man may only begrudgingly oblige, offering a half-smile. 

So, what photos does that leave men with when putting together an online dating profile? Not many, which is why so many men wind up with the notorious "Where's Waldo" giant group photos in which the viewer can't figure out who's who, pictures of them dressed up with their ex cut out of the photo, and other images they took years earlier. Worse still, men may not even include pictures of themselves and, instead, resort to vacation landscapes and photos of their pet because those are pictures they do have.  

Astute men may realize they need more photos, so what do they do next? Because they can't be bothered to put the time into an informal photoshoot to get high-quality pictures, they take multiple selfies. That would explain the many men who include photos of themselves in luxury sports cars that may or may not belong to them, pictures of them wearing sunglasses, and, most offensive of all, the shirtless bathroom selfies women love to swipe left on. 

What, then, can men do to fix the problem of them not having any good pictures to include in their online dating profiles? The answer is deceptively simple, and they most likely won't like it: take better photos (which may mean taking more). Here's how, because, guess what, women want to see you. 

Toss the low-quality photos. 

Think about online dating this way: When women scroll through men's online dating profiles, they're essentially catalog or online shopping. You wouldn't expect a woman to purchase a dress she can't see, so why would you expect her to swipe right on someone who could potentially become a romantic partner?  

If women can't tell from your picture that it's you — you in the crowd, you within recent months, you without a blurry face, or you standing in good lighting — they will move onto the next profile without a thought. What, then, is the point of you putting up an online dating profile to begin with? 

Avoid hats and sunglasses. 

If your photos obstruct your face, whether because you're wearing sunglasses or a baseball cap, perhaps to hide the fact you're balding, don't include them. Potential matches need to see what you look like because, let's be honest, physical appearance is often the first connection people make, especially when using online dating platforms.  

Like men, women are busy and don't want to risk showing up to a date only to find that you look completely different. She'll swipe left instead. Besides, in case you haven't gotten the memo, bald is sexy. So are your eyes. 

Don't reveal too much skin. 

Contrary to what many men think, too much skin isn't sexy. Women don't tend to like veiny, self-indulgent gym selfies and usually detest shirtless bathroom selfies. Aside from bathroom selfies usually being unflattering due to poor lighting, do you really need a woman thinking you just snapped this after doing your business and before washing your hands? 

Leave something to the imagination. If a woman is so inclined, let her imagine where you go to the bathroom instead of you including it in your profile. 

Use recent photos. 

Because men tend to have the problem of not having many pictures of themselves, they often opt to use older photos. Some notable examples are pictures with their ex clearly cropped out or them still wearing their wedding band. The latter, of course, could also be an error on the man's part, but I digress.  

Especially given the pandemic over the past year, some men may not feel comfortable with their appearance, so they choose older shots in which they think they look better. Whatever the reason, showing up to a date looking years older is a no-no. You run the risk of appearing like a liar, and no woman wants to date that.  

The idea is to attract women who will want to date you, so ditch the false advertising. It wastes their time and yours.  

Diversify your profile. 

Men tend to include too many of the same type of photo in their online dating profiles. For example, they use numerous group photos or too many selfies. This behavior, likewise, is unappealing for a potential match because the dating profile doesn't say much.  

Instead, include a variety of photos, such as photos of you doing activities you enjoy. This way, you tell a story from which potential matches can learn more about you. 

Final thoughts. 

Sorry, guys, but the answer to finding better matches is to put more effort into your online dating profile from the start. It means taking the time to look nice, which women are more than happy to do when they decide to meet you.  

Most importantly, your photos should be authentic to who you are and how you live your life. Pictures tell a story. When it comes to online dating, that story should be true. 

Should Women Make the First Move in Online Dating?

When using online dating platforms, do you ever get the feeling you're swiping and getting matches, but the men you match with never bother to message you?

If this sounds relatable, you've already likely asked yourself whether, as a woman, you should ever message men first to get the ball rolling. If you're like me and had a traditional upbringing, you might hear your parents' voices in your head, saying, "No, let him pursue you!"

Back in my parents' day, that might've been the case. But, thanks to Bumble, a dating app designed so women must message men first to start a conversation, times have changed. And men say it's a welcome change.

According to a survey conducted by Bumble, 63 percent of men joined the dating app because they were attracted to the idea of women messaging first. Ninety-seven percent of women on Bumble messaged their matches first within the last month, which means women are doing more than just window shopping.

If this vote of confidence isn't enough, the nonprofit organization AARP ranks Bumble as one of the top dating sites for women over 50. The creator of Bumble must be onto something.

But does the same logic apply to other sites, like Match, OkCupid, and JDate, where women don't have to make the first move? 

The short answer is yes. But there should be balance. In my experience, you need to be careful about how you go about messaging a guy first and what you do after, especially if you're over 50.

With younger demographics, ideas about courting or who pays on dates are more fluid. For women over 50, who are likewise looking to date men over 50, tradition often takes deeper root. That includes who's typically deemed the pursuer (men) and the one pursued (women).

If you're at all concerned about maintaining these expectations but want to take the lead, at least initially, to express your interest, there's a way to do it without sounding too aggressive.  

And that's to send a first message that's friendly but short. 

I tell my women clients while it's great to send the first message, that message should be friendly and short. It should also reference something specific in the guy's online dating profile. That will show him not only that you read his profile but that you found it (and him) interesting, too. Here are a few examples of what to write:

 ●      Hi! I see you just visited Costa Rica last summer for the first time. I was just there, too. Are you interested in comparing notes?

 ●      Hey there. I'm a big fan of Cuban food like you and have a fantastic recipe I could share. Let me know, and I'd be happy to send it your way.

 ●      Hello! Your yellow lab is adorable! I'm a dog lover myself and training my new puppy. Any tips?

Then, if he doesn't answer, I say move along and don't look back. The reason he didn't answer you doesn't matter, except to tell you he's not the one for you. At least not now. Lucky for you, you've got no time to wait around.

If you don't believe me that it's a waste of time to think about the reasons why a guy didn't message you first or respond when you reached out to him, let me tell you why he might not have answered. And you can be the judge of whether you should spend another moment thinking about it or him.

If you message a guy first, prepare yourself not to get the response you want — or any response.

There are various reasons a man may not message first, or at least not quickly in the online dating world. These include a man matching to see who (or how many women) he could match with or a man interested enough to match but not enough to reach out. Maybe someone else caught his attention, or he doesn't check their dating profile often. Perhaps, he's "just not that into you," as Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo suggest in their eponymous best-selling book.

The point? I have two. First, if you make the first move, prepare yourself to be OK with whatever the response is, including no response. Second, none of these reasons are any you can control, nor do they likely have anything to do with your messaging first.

If done right, messaging first shouldn't be enough to stop the chase.

Many men love the chase. They see a woman they're interested in and will stop at nothing until she's his. Some might believe that a woman messaging first can take away a man's urge to chase and that a woman's already communicating she's into a guy by sending the first message.

However, by that logic, a woman just matching with a man would send a similar message because she has to express interest in order to match. I think it's silly. That's why I say if you want to reach out first, go for it. But only once.

Don't follow up. Don't chase. If a man believes you're chasing him, he might think getting you will be easy, too, and string you along until he finds someone he considers more of a challenge. Messaging first is fine, but after that, give a guy a chance to win you.

Early on, a man should be trying to get a date with you, not the other way around. So, if you message a guy first, let him start the conversation the next time. If you pique his interest, he'll show it. He'll show you he's interested by messaging you again, and after several emails, texts, and a phone call, by asking you on an actual date. That should be his job, not yours.

A few final words...

It's important not to come on too strong when messaging a guy first. Allow him to show you he wants to get to know you better and mean it.

Encourage him by responding positively to his advances, but also leave him feeling curious. If a guy is genuinely interested in you, he'll come back to learn more.

After 30 years in the business as a modern-day matchmaker and dating consultant, I know sometimes a guy might need a little push to get him to look at you, and a quick first message can do precisely that. Just don't push too hard because that same guy will want to look at anyone but you. And you deserve a guy who sees you for all you are.

Why Does My Boyfriend Take Me To the Same Places He Took His Ex?

A client recently came to me visibly shaken after discovering her boyfriend had taken her to a few places he had visited with an ex, including a vacation spot. I patiently listened as she explained her discovery and how it made her feel, which was sad. She believed her boyfriend must have been thinking of his ex when he was there with her.   

I told my client that was likely not the case, especially since the relationship she shared with her boyfriend was a good one and going strong. I told her she had a few things to learn about men, and the fact her boyfriend took her to these places was either because he liked her or it meant nothing at all.  

If your boyfriend has done this to you, not to worry. Here’s why. 

He’s a creature of habit.  

People, including men, are often creatures of habit. They like to go to the same restaurants, the same bars, the same beaches, and the same shopping establishments over and over again. Why? Not because they were thinking about the last time they were there and who they were there with, but the exact opposite. They don’t want to have to think about what they’re doing.  

The point is, unless you have evidence pointing to anything illicit, your boyfriend’s choice of venue may literally mean nothing other than convenience for him. If that bothers you, too, well, stay tuned. I have something to say about that, too.  

He personally likes these places. 

Let’s also not forget the obvious, which is people, and yes, guys as well, go to the same places repeatedly because they like them. Your boyfriend may like the atmosphere, view, or food at that particular restaurant, the shoreline at that beach, the jewelry at that store, etc.  

He goes back because he appreciates what these establishments have to offer and would frequent them whether you were there or not. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t enjoy going to these places more with you than by himself or with someone else; he probably does — in the present — which brings me to this.    

He’s living in the moment. 

Not everyone who has an ex is pining for them. An ex is an ex for a reason. There are many people, and yes, you guessed it, men, who can live in the moment. That means they’re able to enjoy what and who is right in front of them. 

It shouldn’t take you long to figure out if the guy you’re dating is over their ex. He will do a lot more than bring you to places he went with her. He will be in contact with her, bring her up in conversation often, and have mementos from her lying around. There are more clues, but perhaps the biggest one is the feeling you have in your gut. Do you have that feeling?  

He wants you to experience and love these places as much as he does. 

When someone cares about you, and they have a location or food they absolutely love, they want you to enjoy it, too.  

I have a client who told me a story about how whenever her boyfriend took her to one of his favorite restaurants, and, as a foodie, there were many, he would always urge her to get a specific dish he knew was unbelievable or a special that sounded great because he wanted her to have the ultimate experience there. He would always offer her a taste of what he was eating, too. Once, he even offered to switch plates with her because his initial choice turned out to be the better of the two.  

Even though he had obviously been to many of these establishments before, presumably with another date or an ex, he wanted her to share in an experience he had always found enjoyable. Can and should you really fault him for that?  

He wants to make new memories. 

Your boyfriend may very well have experienced some of the places he’s taking you now with his ex first. And yes, that can hurt because you want your relationship and the things you do in it to be just about the two of you. But that doesn’t mean his heart isn’t in the right place. 

It’s impossible to have a clean slate, especially when you’re dating at middle age and beyond, and, even more so, if you’ve lived in the same area for years and been around the block a few too many times to count, quite literally. If you stop to think about it for a moment, you likely have memories with exes, too, which you cannot erase.  

What your boyfriend is probably doing when he takes you to places he’s been before with someone else is looking to make new memories — with you. So, I ask: where would you rather be, in your boyfriend’s past, or in his present and future?  

Are you smiling?

States across the U.S. have lifted or are about to lift their mask mandates. But not everyone's smiling about it. As a recent article from NBC tells it, many people are finding they've become attached to their masks, and for more reasons than only fear of catching Covid. Those reasons include enjoying a makeup-free existence, protection from other illnesses such as cold or flu, and the ability to hide emotions, ranging from contempt to a forced smile.  

Though the reasons people cite in the article for holding onto their masks differ, the effect can be the same: masks can contribute to keeping us isolated from each other. For singles, that can make meeting a romantic interest in more organic ways, including at the grocery store, on the train, and at the mall, for example, problematic. It can also become an excuse for why some singles say they've stopped searching for a person they'd like to date; according to them, everything they do appears to be in vain.  

But maybe it's a fear of being vulnerable, not to Covid but heartbreak, that's holding some people back. Others may simply have become set in their ways as a result of pandemic life. However, isolation is not our natural state. Humans, by nature, are social creatures.   

For the past 15 months or so, we've lived without the luxury of sharing a passing glance, an eye roll, and, of course, a smile. We've lived without the pressure of having to be "on" in front of other people — a stranger, a person we've recently met, or a good friend or relative.  

Our masks, apart from protecting us from Covid, saved us from having our feelings hurt. They kept us from feeling ignored or rejected. That brought a sense of relief for many of us because it's never fun to have others treat us as if we don't matter.  

At the same time, the masks that protected us also deprived us of the high we feel whenever we make a connection. More than any other facial expression, those connections start with a smile. And smiling is good for us.  

According to one study from the University of Kansas, smiling helps to relieve stress. Smiling has also been linked to lower blood pressure and a longer life span. Smiling likewise makes the people around you feel better, putting others besides yourself at ease. 

 But, by far, the best part about smiling is that smiles are contagious. And after the experience we just had, those are something we should be happy to spread around. 

I’m Still Stuck on My Ex. How Can I Get Over My Last Breakup?

You’ve probably heard the expression “time heals all wounds,” but in the case of a breakup, it can sometimes feel as though your ex is on your mind as much or even more since your relationship ended. You might think enough time has passed that you should be over your ex, but yet you’re still not. If your ex has already moved on, it can sting even more.

I’m not here to deny that moving on from a relationship can be challenging, particularly if you weren’t the one to call it quits or if the breakup was messy. As a matchmaker and dating consultant for more than three decades, I’ve seen and heard it all. What I can tell you is that, like any other life change, coping with and then getting over a breakup requires introspection and participation to recover.

In other words, there are steps you can take to actively help yourself move past your grief and get over your ex. Below are five ways I recommend to facilitate the healing process.

1. Ask yourself why you’re still heartbroken.

If you’ve been upset about your breakup for as long as you’ve been, ask yourself the following question: Why am I still so upset?

Was it something you or your ex did that incited the breakup? Was it a mistake you and or your ex made during your relationship? Was there trauma involved? Are you upset because you’re no longer in a relationship — any relationship, that is?

Looking for the source of your feelings can put you on a path of introspection, eventually resulting in personal growth and emotional maturity. The idea is the hurt from your breakup will begin to resolve itself once you identify and, next, address it, and you’ll be better equipped to move forward with your life. That can include starting a new relationship once you’re ready.

2. Spend time with friends and family.

When grieving the end of a relationship, it may feel instinctive to lock yourself in a dark room and cry all day long, reminiscing about your greatest moments as a couple. While it’s OK to take some time to release your emotions, at some point, you need to venture outside and live your life.

That can include spending time with friends and family. Catching up with people you care about and who care about you can serve as a healthy distraction from your breakup. Socializing with those you know and like can get out of your own head and stop you from ruminating about your breakup.

I will warn you that grief won’t disappear with the snap of your fingers. But with practice, you can learn how to live with it, including how to manage the way it affects your day-to-day existence.

3. Cultivate new hobbies and interests.

When you give yourself nothing else to think about, your mind will naturally overthink, prolonging the pain of your breakup. That’s why it’s so important during a breakup to take deliberate steps to focus on something positive, such as a new hobby. And, before you ask, no, surfing through Spotify to find songs to add to your heartbreak playlist does not count as a hobby.

While you should be careful not to use a hobby as a distraction to avoid dealing with your pain, a hobby can become one of many reasons to get out of bed each morning. A new hobby or a return to an old one can help you establish an identity that goes well beyond being one-half of a couple.

4. Recognize your breakup was probably for the best.

While you’re going through a breakup, the statement “it was for the best” can feel offensive, if not altogether untrue. However, the pain you’re experiencing as a result of your breakup doesn’t have to be in vain. If you harness it, it can become the catalyst for growth as you learn more about yourself and your priorities in a relationship — and in life.

Your goal should be to emerge from your breakup with a deeper understanding of yourself. If you do the work, you’ll most likely find that you would not be who you are now had you stayed in the relationship. You would also not be who you are today had you never been in the relationship. Both make you YOU. Changing your perspective is critical.

5. Start dating again.

You’ve probably heard the (crass) saying that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. While I will not recommend a rebound relationship, eventually, there comes a time after a breakup when it makes sense for you to get back “out there.” 

It might hurt. Your first date after a breakup can feel strange, unfamiliar, and lonely. But as you continue dating, someone special will eventually capture your attention and you theirs.

Instead of feeling upset over the loss of your last relationship, you’ll suddenly feel excited to get to know the person you’ve begun to date. And that ex of yours will no longer be the person who broke your heart but, rather, the person who led you to open your heart to someone new. 

The Rise of the Gray Divorce, and Why Bill and Melinda Won’t Be the Only Older Americans You’ll See Dating Online

The divorce rate for older Americans has been rising at an unprecedented rate. According to a 2017 study released by Pew Research, the divorce rate for Americans age 50 and older doubled since the 1990s, from five percent in 1990 to 10 percent in 2015. Nicknamed "gray divorces," this type of divorce has made headlines recently, given the announcement last week from Bill and Melinda Gates that they're divorcing. With so many singles over 50, it's not surprising this demographic has turned to online dating and modern-day matchmakers to meet matches. 

As a dating strategist and consultant who specializes in connecting people over the age of 50 and utilizes my exclusive database in coordination with online dating websites to cull for my clients the best possible matches, I know gray divorces leave many scratching their heads. People come to me time and time again and ask: Why divorce now after so many years spent married? In my line of work, it's a question I've long since become familiar with and can provide answers that make sense. 

It's not only first marriages, where the couple married young and stayed together for decades, that are ending either. Many gray divorces are actually second, third, or fourth marriages. In fact, the gray divorce rate for second marriages is twice as high as that for first marriages. Regardless of what number marriage it is, here are the most popular reasons why "older" Americans, those in their golden, ahem, gray years, are getting divorced.  

The Empty Nest 

It's not uncommon for couples experiencing serious marital problems to stay together for the kids. However, what happens is that once the children leave the family home, these couples can't bear to live with each other without child-rearing to distract them. So they seek out the divorce they've long since wished for, believing, and rightly so, the kids will be alright.   

In less drastic situations, where there weren't obvious relationship issues, a couple may have enjoyed being married while the children were still living in the family home. But now that the children have left, and the couple must adjust to a new routine without them, one or both spouses may find that they've evolved into different people over the years. Though they don't despise their spouse, they do want to steer their lives in a new direction — without that person by their side. No hard feelings, right? 

Retirement 

For most people's adult lives, at least one spouse regularly goes to work each day, a routine that can last for decades. While a person may miss their spouse while they're at work, the increased exposure to one other offered by retirement creates ample opportunities to, well, grind on each other's nerves. 

Without work, hobbies, and other interests to provide privacy and some much-appreciated time apart, many couples find that retirement feels as though Jean-Paul Sartre got it right in his play "No Exit" — "Hell is other people." Most notably, their husband or wife. 

Finances 

When people marry young, they may not consider just how much of an impact retirement planning (or lack of it) can affect their marriage later on. On one end of the spectrum, retired couples may find that their nest egg is not enough to support both of them and may need to adjust their lifestyles accordingly. If one or both spouses aren't particularly happy in their current situation, living better apart becomes a good reason to part ways.   

On the other end of the spectrum, well-off couples can part ways knowing they and their spouse will be financially stable after divorce, and then some. They have enough means to live the life they've always dreamed of and don't have to remain tied financially to their spouse. For these couples, financial freedom takes on a whole new meaning.  

Life Expectancy 

Due to significant medical advancements, "till death do us part" can be a phrase some couples come to think of as a threat instead of a promise, as they intended on their wedding day. Life expectancies have risen to be the highest they've ever been in history, which significantly extends the retirement period. Paired with improvements in healthcare, singles over 50 may think of themselves as having just as much vitality in their older years as they did when they were young.  

Older couples may realize that staying married to their spouse may mean another 50 years of marriage. Instead of sticking it out like their parents' generation did, they seek a divorce because they've got so many options, especially with the rise in popularity of online dating, for meeting someone new.  

Who knows? Someone "new" could even be Bill or Melinda. They haven't called me — yet — but I'm more than happy to advise them if they do. 

9 Secrets for a Healthy Relationship, According To a Couple Married Over 50 Years

When you're divorced, it's really easy to get turned off to the idea of marriage. Not just the thought of getting married again, but more specifically, the possibility that a marriage can be healthy and stay that way.

While on vacation last month, I had the pleasure of meeting a couple celebrating their 54th wedding anniversary. Over omelets and coffee at the hotel where I was staying, the couple was kind enough to share their secrets for a successful marriage, one anyone looking at them could tell was still going strong.

Even if you never intend to walk down the aisle again, you can apply these principles to any romantic relationship. Straight from my newfound friends, here they are.

1. Don't give up.

Where there's a will, there's a way, as the saying goes. If your relationship is going through a rough patch, you must be willing to resolve your issues if you expect your love to endure. You must be receptive to your partner's ideas and make sure you're communicating your feelings appropriately.

Remember, you and your partner are a team: it's you and him or her against whatever problems you're facing, not you against him or her.

2. Pick your battles. 

It's important to recognize that you can't always get what you want. You may feel tempted to fight for whatever you believe in, as being outspoken very well may be part of your personality.

You probably don't have malicious intentions, but what may result is that your partner feels like you're not listening and, as a result, feels powerless. If not addressed, feelings of resentment and hopelessness could ultimately kill your relationship.

You may prefer, say, Italian food over Chinese food, and your partner may prefer Chinese food over Italian food. Still, if you insist on only going to Italian restaurants, your partner will feel voiceless. Sometimes you need to let your partner win the battle. Go out for Chinese food. Is it that big of a deal?

For more serious conflicts, you may fervently believe in your position, but you need to, at a minimum, hear your partner out. He or she will have a different perspective from yours, but that perspective will also help you develop new insight into your dispute.

What you will often find is that he or she is actually right, or at a minimum, you may be a little less right than you initially thought.

3. Compromise whenever possible.

Sometimes you'll win the battle, sometimes your partner will win, and sometimes you'll have to meet in the middle. Compromise is a sign of cooperation. It reinforces the idea you and your partner are working together as a team. And that you work well together.

Compromising also functions as a gesture of goodwill: you're willing to meet your partner halfway on an issue because you would rather put your minds together to solve the problem than fight to the bitter end.

4. Practice simple kindness.

Despite what many people say, chivalry isn't dead. And it will never die as long as we keep practicing it in our daily lives. Never stop trying to impress your partner, and you can do this through random acts of kindness. Not just on special occasions either.

Your spouse expecting a relaxing and romantic dinner on your anniversary is an easy one. But what if you cooked a hearty home-cooked meal on a random Tuesday also because you know he or she has a stressful presentation the next morning at work?

Smaller gestures, such as holding the door open or paying your partner a compliment, can make a big difference. This way, your partner never feels unloved, uncared for, or, perhaps worst of all, unseen, and your relationship goes on strong.

5. Laugh a lot.

Couples who get along well generally have a similar sense of humor. Both partners think the same things are funny. However, they don't make their partner the butt of the joke.

We've all been around those people, the ones who laugh while we sit there scratching our heads, asking, "Did she just mean to say that?"

The person who loves you won't do that. Nor will you do it to them.

6. Don't be afraid to argue.

Healthy couples argue. Why? Because healthy couples express themselves. When your partner has an issue, he or she raises it. You're open to hearing from your partner about problems he or she may have, too.

Because we're human and emotional, sometimes tensions and voices can rise. As long as there's no abuse, it's OK. People get mad. They fight.

But couples who love and respect each other work on their issues together. That, hopefully, causes less fighting in the long run.

7. Be independent.

Being in a relationship doesn't mean you're joined at the hip. In fact, you shouldn't be. Long after you become a couple, you should still maintain interests outside your partner.

You should have friends, hobbies, and time all to yourself. If your partner doesn't allow you to have independence in your relationship, you may unwittingly be the victim of emotional abuse.

That said, do unto others.

8. Focus on what makes your spouse or partner attractive to you.

If you've been with the same person for a long time, you may not be as thin as you once were or muscular. There may be more lines on your face than were there when you first met, and the hair on your head may not be as thick or exist at all.

But, guaranteed, your partner has attributes that can still make you swoon. Whether it's the way that he or she smiles when reading a passage in a book or furrows their brow when deep in thought, or the shape of their body, you love them for it.

Focus on those attributes — when your partner is looking and when he or she isn't. It won't matter; your partner will be able to feel your appreciation.   

9. Shake things up.

A problem that arises in long relationships is when one partner (or both) gets bored. You may feel like you're in a rut waking up, going to work, taking care of the children, and going to sleep, only to wake up and do it again. For many, the monotony leads to resentment and depression.

A simple and effective way to fight boredom is to switch up your routine. Schedule a romantic getaway, try a new restaurant, or take a class. Do something new. Anything for that matter. Well, almost anything.

Life, long-term relationships, and marriages can be full of surprises. The biggest secret is you first have to be open to them.

So, see what you like, and enjoy your adventures and new experiences — together and alone. Sometimes a little time apart can make home sweet home taste even sweeter.

When Should You Delete Your Online Dating Profile?

Dating is not an exact science. It's probably why so many of my clients come to me asking when they should delete their online dating profile after meeting someone they like. My answer is always the same: it depends.

Every relationship is different. Both partners come into it with their own history and expectations. Then there's the chemistry factor; either it's there, or it's not. Sometimes chemistry is there for one person and not for the other. And other times, love and attraction grow as people get to know each other.

So, where does that leave you if you're deciding whether or not to take down your online dating profile? Or ask the person you're dating to take down theirs?

It leaves you in the position of having to have a thoughtful conversation — with yourself and the person you're dating. Here's what you should consider.

How You Feel About the Person That You're Dating

Have you been single for a while, and this is the first person you've recently dated that you like? If so, good for you!

But now ask yourself in an honest way why you like this person. Is it because you're tired of being alone? Or is this person someone whose company you actually enjoy and you feel comfortable around?

The person you become exclusive with is someone you see possibilities of a future with because taking yourself offline makes you unavailable to others. You should only limit your options if you truly believe the person you're dating fits that criteria.

Of course, there are no guarantees your relationship will last even if you get into an exclusive one. But, at a minimum, you should be able to envision what a future together could look like if it did last.

The Length of Time You've Been Together

This is a tricky one because people love to mark relationships according to milestones and what should happen at each one.

"It's our one-month anniversary, so we should be exclusive by now."

"We've been dating for three months, so I should meet his parents, right?"

 "We've been together six months, but I still haven't met her kids. Something's wrong."

For those looking for a definitive answer as to what should happen in your relationship at specific points in time, unfortunately, there's none. Again, every relationship is different. It's why you need to evaluate the level of your and your partner's involvement in each other's lives according to what's going on in your lives.

Sometimes involvement and commitment are quick. Other times, both can take some time, which may or may not be a reflection of the depth of your relationship and prospect for a future together.

If, for example, one of you has just come out of a marriage and the children are young and still adjusting to the divorce, you'll probably want to wait longer to introduce a love interest than you would if you were divorced for years.

The same is true if one of your spouses passed away. Your partner's hesitation likely has nothing to do with how they feel about you.

That said, at some point, you'll have to determine whether you're comfortable continuing your relationship in a holding pattern. Only you can know the answer to that, and after doing some soul-searching, your intuition should tell you.

This is true of any situation, not just introducing kids. If you're uncomfortable with how your relationship is progressing after a certain amount of time, you need to initiate a conversation with your partner. Their response will tell you all you need to know.

Why You Want To Become Exclusive

By removing your online dating profiles or taking down your dating apps, what are you hoping to achieve? Your answer should have something to do with you and your partner wanting to focus on each other without distraction. Or a show to each other that you're both committed enough to explore the possibility of a deeper relationship.

What removing online dating profiles should not have to do with is one of you trying to control the other. If you're doing it because you're feeling possessive of the other person, check yourself. Healthy relationships involve both partners having space to live their lives.

Whether There's Mutual Agreement

If you've gone through your analysis and you've decided you want to become exclusive with the person you're dating for all of the "right" reasons, and taking your online dating profile down makes perfect sense to you, you're halfway there. Congratulations!

Now, all you need to figure out is whether your partner is on the same page as you. Because if they aren't, you really need to rethink your decision.

Taking down your profile from an online dating site or app should be a mutual decision between both of you. It's a decision that demonstrates a willingness to give your relationship a more serious look.

If one of you isn't willing to make that showing, for whatever reason, you need to evaluate whether you're OK with this imbalance. I personally don't recommend taking yourself out of circulation if the person you're dating won't do the same.

As Maya Angelou famously said, "Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option." I must say, I agree. 

How You Want To Proceed Now That You've Communicated With Each Other

Deciding what to do next is by far the most important consideration. If you've communicated with your partner openly and honestly about your intentions and have given serious thought about your reasons for or against taking down your online dating profile or deleting your apps, you're in a solid position to make an informed decision about your future.

The purpose of being in a relationship is to feel good in it and with the person that you're dating. If someone tells you they're not ready to go to the next level, you need to check in with yourself about how that makes you feel.

If you're satisfied with your partner's reasons for not wanting to go offline just yet, or they're satisfied with yours, and you want to table the issue, for now, I recommend putting a date on the calendar to check back with each other about how your relationship is going.

Everyone has goals about what they hope to achieve from their relationship, whether it's companionship, partnership, marriage, or children. You should never feel you have to sacrifice what you want in your life to be in the company of someone who may or may not be sure about you.

Remember, even though it may feel like someone else is calling the shots, you're always in charge of your own love life. And your happiness.   

How To Communicate Effectively in Your Online Dating Profile Without Sounding Negative

When you sit down to write the bio in your online dating profile, you face the challenge of conveying who you are and what you want in a relationship using only a few hundred words. That can be difficult to do, let alone jump off the screen sounding optimistic, especially if you haven't had much luck with online dating in the past.

The result can be a struggle you may not be consciously aware of — and that's balancing positivity with getting your message across clearly. And what's your message? That you're worth getting to know better and looking to meet a special someone who meets a set of criteria that you've established. In other words, you want your dating profile to be somewhat self-selecting.

Below are a few tips to help you reel the right people in and rule the wrong people out — tastefully and tactfully.

Be clear in your online dating profile about what you want, not what you don't.

When using online dating, you should set your sights on finding an individual who shares the same relationship goals as you. After spending more than 30 years as a matchmaker, this is by far the strongest indicator a couple will form a lasting bond with each other.

How do I know? I've seen too many clients face disappointment when the person they've been dating hasn't been upfront about whether they want something casual, companionship, a committed relationship, or marriage. Of course, situations can change, but that's the exception, not the rule, and something you should never count on.

The people who do count on a change of heart are the ones who give online dating the reputation of being a "waste of time." However, I believe online dating can overcome this reputation when people communicate and listen more clearly. In other words, make your intentions known in your profile — if you're looking for a long-term match, write that. If you're looking for something casual, be aboveboard about that, too. Then take into consideration the words of others.

True, some daters will ignore what you're looking for in your profile and match with you anyway. So when you talk to a new match, ask clearly but respectfully about what their intentions for a relationship are. I must emphasize with respect because if you come on too strong too soon, even if you share the same goals, they might feel overwhelmed and not want to continue talking to you anyway. The same goes for criticizing their choice.

If your goals don't align, go your separate ways stress-free. If, on the other hand, the person you're communicating with says they don't know what they want but are willing to see where things go, consider this to be a red flag, too. You're looking for someone who already knows.

Often, when people don't have their relationship goals established yet, they're not ready to date, at least seriously. Those folks are better off spending more time single and defining their relationship needs with other people. Not you.

Don’t be too specific (aka mean) in your online dating profile.

 And I'm saying this in more than a tonal sense. While scrolling through online dating profiles, you will inevitably come across those in which a user lists standards for potential matches to meet. For instance, "No men under 6 feet." Or "No women over a certain weight." Even if you meet the criteria they demand, would you want to match with this person?

I wouldn't. The reason is the profile and person behind it sounds negative. This person is already tearing down others rather than building them up. If you want to date people with particular physical qualities, you might want to think twice about your mindset, or at a minimum, going to that extreme in your profile.

Filtering people based on superficial qualities significantly reduces the dating pool. It makes it more difficult to find a match because it causes others to overlook you automatically. After all, they believe they won't fit the bill, even if they could. Nobody likes rejection, and you're expressing a higher likelihood for them to experience it. Not to mention, you don't come off as open-minded or likable.

Your online dating profile shouldn't communicate to others how they might not be good enough for you. Instead, your online dating profile should present an authentic version of you that inspires others to ask for more information about your life. For instance, if you're looking for someone who isn't overweight, discuss how you like to exercise and want a companion interested in physical fitness as well.

Don't forget to express an interest in learning about those who visit your profile, too. People usually jump at the opportunity to talk about themselves, so make yourself an enticing audience.

Avoid self-deprecating jokes and sarcasm in your online dating profile.

After reading thousands of online dating profiles, self-deprecating jokes and sarcasm rarely translate to well-written profiles. Instead, they come off as bitter or present you as someone with low self-esteem.

A sarcastic quip is OK as long as it keeps the profile feeling lighthearted and upbeat. But this is harder to achieve than you might think. I'm much more of a fan of putting your best foot forward, not your best oddly large foot forward. Do you hear the difference?

Bottom line: hold yourself in high regard, so others will, too. The best relationships happen when two people like and respect each other, which means you have to like and respect yourself first.

What It's Really Like To Work With a Matchmaker

When the New York Times article, "What It's Like to Work With a Matchmaker," appeared in my feed, I nearly dropped my coffee mug. I had just hung up the phone with a San Francisco Bay Area client, where I base my business, now in its 31st year.  

My client, a 79-year-old woman, and I had discussed an upcoming date I set up for her. A man, in his early seventies, had asked her if she would like to meet for a walk through one of my area's favorite scenic routes, and if they felt a spark, an outside sit-down for coffee, perhaps a light lunch.  

Though a bit nervous, my client was excited. It had been a few years since her husband, the love of her life, her partner, her best friend, had died. She missed him, his quirkiness and the way he touched her hair when the sun caught it just right, the way he listened attentively to the poetry she wrote. And the moments she listened to his, and the verses they wrote together.  

We had had many conversations together before I set up that first date. I wanted to learn as much as I could about her, and not just from the detailed questionnaire I require all of my clients to complete.  

I needed to hear her story from her mouth, see the way her lips formed a smile when she reminisced about how her husband burned the toast one morning or how they were late to their daughter's dance recital 40 years earlier. I had to hear for myself why her involvement with a charity she sits on the board on moves her the way it does.  

I can say the same for each of my clients — the 30-year-old free-spirited woman who recently purchased her first home. The late-sixties divorced Silicon Valley techie, author, and art lover who would love to find a partner to share with his love of Eastern philosophy and meditation. And my never-married east coaster who is happiest when on the water and would love a sailing mate.  

We talk. As their matchmaker, as the person who helps convey their life, the dreams they've realized, and the ones they still hope to, to others and on paper through unique story-like dating profiles I write, I help them see their value and the value in those I introduce them to, even if that introduction doesn't develop. We move on, assessing and then taking the rejection, disappointment, or relief they may feel in stride.    

As a matchmaker, I get my clients to contextualize their lives up to the point that we begin working together, so they are in the best possible position to meet the person they seek — a friend, a companion, a lover, or a spouse. As a matchmaker, I put a spotlight on why they haven't had success in the past, on the passages and events in their lives that might still be holding them back. We figure them out. 

And as a matchmaker, one who values the people who come to me, who sees them as individuals and not a mere registration fee, I put potential matchmaking clients on pause if I realize they aren't ready for what they say they are. In doing so, I help them by giving them the time they need, and I help my other clients by giving them access to the strongest possible network of eligible singles who are open to possibilities.  

My circle of clients needs to be filled with individuals who are ready to love — or like. But no amount of promises I make or matches I send to a potential client could ever make them ready. They need to do the work first, which, if they are interested in doing, I can assist them through coaching. I do this by getting them ready to meet new people and date. Yes, dating requires a specific set of skills. People can be taught, and they can learn — from the right teacher. 

The services I offer, which combine online dating with my private network and rest on one-on-one coaching whenever they want or need it (I never turn my phone off to my clients), are what's allowed me to be in this business as long as I have. And why so many of my clients, and the partners and spouses they met through me, are today my friends. 

As the Times article mentions via the Bay Area dating consultant interviewed, there are many new faces in the matchmaking industry, particularly as the need for them during the pandemic and all the dating challenges that came with the pandemic grew. I have seen this phenomenon as well; Every Tiffany, Dylan, and Hillary is a matchmaker. After all, the shingle they hung and a cool landing page says so.   

But not all matchmakers are the same. The Times article says as much. Just not why.  

After three decades as a matchmaker, this is what I can tell you: A good matchmaker is not defined only by the tangible services their clients pay for; a good matchmaker is defined by the intangible ones they don't — honesty, friendship, and genuine interest.        

What Do I Do if My Friends Don't Like the Person I'm Dating?

Introducing someone you're dating to your friends can feel like a significant and exciting step in a relationship, especially if you regularly see your friends and consider them to be members of your family. It can also be stressful. You want your friends to like your new significant other, as that person is now someone you care about, too, and it's nice when all the people you care about get along.

But now that you've introduced your significant other to your friends, they just aren't seeing this person the same way you are. It's tricky, and you find yourself asking the following question over and over: Who should I believe, my friends or my significant other? Below are a few factors to consider when your friends don't like the person you're dating.

Find out why your friends don't like your new partner.

Upon finding out that your friends don't like the person you're dating, you may feel hurt and upset with your friends. You can’t believe it. Why would they do this to you? An important factor to consider is that your friends built up the courage to tell you they think this way, so there must be a reason. You may need to look past your emotions and hear out the reasoning behind their judgment.

When you're in a relationship, you lack the third-person objectivity that the people around you have. In other words, there may be behaviors and dynamics within your relationship that you would consider red flags if you saw them in someone else’s relationship but are unable to perceive because it’s your own.

If your friends cite legitimate red flag behaviors from your new partner, such as openly flirting with others or putting you down, consider taking what they’re saying seriously. They likely have your best interests at heart.

However, if your friends say they "just don't like them," consider other reasons why they might feel this way.

A gut feeling can be on the mark, but your friends may have other specific reasons for not liking someone you're dating. One of the most common reasons is jealousy. A close friend may feel jealous of all of the attention you’ve been giving to your new partner instead of them.

Additional possibilities are that a friend is jealous that you're seeing someone while they're not. Or a friend has feelings for the person you're involved with, and you aren't aware of this. Any of these scenarios, or other ones, could be the reason, so ask your friends outright about their reasons for disliking your partner. Hopefully, they’ll be honest with you.

Consider how well your significant other makes a good first impression.

Not everyone is great at getting people to like them, at least not at first. Some are charming, while others take time to warm up to those around them. Still, others can be shy or anxious in social situations.

You know the person you're dating better than your friends. Did you instantly fall for this individual, or did it take you some time to tear down their walls and finally see them for who they are? If it took you time, it might take your friends some time, too. So be patient with them.

You shouldn't need to choose between your friends and the person you're dating.

If your friends have told you they don't like the person you're with, and it's not because your significant other is mistreating you, it doesn't mean you need to or should cut anyone out of your life. As long as your friends can be civil and respectful to your significant other, which is also a sign they have respect for you, you should feel comfortable making time for everyone you care about, even if everyone can't be in the same room at once. Who knows, your friends may even warm up to your significant other one day.

But even if they don't, remember, good friends and good partners will never force you to choose between them. Not to mention, the opinion that matters most is the one you have. So ask yourself: Are you happy?

Is COVID-19 Vaccine Status the New Game-Changer on Online Dating Sites?

The pandemic has, without a doubt, transformed dating. To comply with health restrictions, daters got creative and placed their love lives in the hands of technology and online dating platforms more than they ever did before.  

Conversations changed. Daters asked each other whether they'd had the virus, if they were taking precautions by socially distancing from others, and whether they were willing to take a new relationship slower than they would have during pre-COVID-19 times. And now, as the vaccine rollout gains momentum, daters are asking a couple of new questions. They are:  

• Have you had the vaccine yet, and 

• Are you open to receiving it when it's your turn? 

According to a recent survey conducted by the dating platform Plenty of Fish, the answer can make a difference. Over half of the single people surveyed said that if a potential match revealed they had no intention of getting vaccinated, it would be enough to turn them away.     

As a modern-day matchmaker, part of my job is to help my clients have the most successful dating experience possible. That means identifying and helping my clients identify the people with whom they would be the most compatible. Vaccine status may be just the latest way to predict whether two people will get along. 

What a potential match's thoughts about the COVID-19 vaccine status might say about them. 

Communicating skepticism (or enthusiasm) about the new vaccine could become a jumping-off point for finding out how a potential match feels about political issues, healthcare, and whether they are ethical (i.e., have they jumped the line to get the vaccine, and how do they feel about people who do?)  

Indeed, the ongoing pandemic has created countless social ramifications, many of which we have yet to observe. And people have conflicting opinions, many of which can become evident simply by asking whether a potential match has been vaccinated or plans to be.  

Should you add your COVID-19 status to your online dating profile? 

It depends. A risk of doing so is matching because of COVID-19, not chemistry. Since the pandemic began last March, many daters have found themselves in precisely such situations, questioning whether their relationship had more depth and meaning to it than the mere fact they were convenient to each other at a time when dating proved challenging.  

If you can look at vaccine status as one way, not the primary way, to judge a match's viability, then advertise away. Think of your new status as just another checkbox next to those that include whether you smoke, hike, or want kids.  

Some people will see your lacking the vaccine as a barrier to entry while others won't, or as a plus if you have received it. Still others won't care either way, depending on how they feel about your profile in its entirety. 

Remember that a COVID-19 vaccine can limit risk for in-person dates but not alleviate it. 

Though the vaccine's effects are still being analyzed and will be for the foreseeable future, Dr. Fauci clearly says that although the vaccine protects COVID-19, it is not a Get Out of Jail Free card. That means even those who have been vaccinated still need to take precautions — for themselves and those around them, especially the people who haven't yet received the vaccine and have no immunity against the disease. 

Even so, the protection offered by the vaccine is proving to make matches who have been vaccinated more appealing than those who have not. Instances of daters posting their vaccine status on their profiles are becoming more frequent. It seems only logical they would; earlier in the pandemic, it wasn't uncommon for users to put in their dating profiles that they were COVID negative or that they had COVID-19 antibodies (meaning they tested positive and recovered). 

But until the powers that be tell us we are all in the clear and out of harm's way from COVID-19, think of others' safety as you would your own. It is the right thing to do, not to mention being thoughtful and considerate of others will make you more appealing than any vaccine ever could. 

I’m a Professional Matchmaker. Here’s How To Choose Which Photos To Include in Your Online Dating Profile.

Creating the perfect online dating profile can seem like a challenging task. How do you decide which pictures to feature and which ones to scrap? The poses? What about the correct number of photos? For the record, I believe five to seven images are best. It's sufficient to give the viewer an idea about who you are while still leaving enough room for their imagination to take over, urging them to make the first move.  

As a matchmaker who utilizes online dating to help my clients get the broadest possible array of potential matches, I believe that taking a holistic approach to online dating profiles results in the most success for singles, especially those over 50. Meaning, I envision the perfect online dating profile to be one that accurately represents the dater through words and images in equal part. Both should tell a story. 

Your online dating photos should tell a story about you just as your write-up does. 

Just as your written description does, your online dating profile photos should serve as a photographic story about you. Think of it this way: if online dating sites are like virtual bars, then the profiles on them are essentially the virtual people sitting at said bars, which means you need to look your best in your photos, just as you would want to in person. 

However, applying this idea to creating an online dating profile can be tricky. What will work and what won't? Below are five simple tips I have put together to help you create a well-rounded and, most importantly, genuine profile that will inspire other users to swipe right on you — because they want to meet you, not some imaginary version of you. 

1. Take a close-up image of your face for your online dating profile.  

Sorry, I know what you're thinking. But, trust me, posting a close-up, especially as the first photo in the gallery, will save you time in the long run. Potential matches need to see what you look like to know if they want to swipe on you. Often, online daters make this decision in a split second. Not to mention, any viable match is going to want to know what you look like, for real. That's why your first picture to be one that clearly shows off your facial features.  

This picture (as well as the rest of the photos on your profile) must be recent, too, as it's a classic online dating nightmare to show up to a date only to meet someone who looks nothing like their photos. Seeing a match's disappointment written across their face right in front of you is much more painful than never seeing it all because they swiped left, keeping their rejection of you private. Hey, don't take it personally; you do the same thing to others.  

Taking a close-up photo may make you nervous, especially if you're insecure about the way you look. But part of dating is putting yourself out there. So, set aside time to make yourself presentable, put on your favorite outfit, take some pictures, and have some fun.  

A selfie or two is fine, but you should also include pictures someone else takes of you. If no one's around to help because of the ongoing pandemic or otherwise, try positioning the phone to take a photo of you from a distance and use the timer function to give yourself a few moments to pose. 

2. Use a full-body shot in your online dating profile. 

The full-body shot is another photo that you may find similarly nerve-wracking. Many people may feel insecure about their bodies and shudder at the mere prospect of posting pictures featuring their bodies online. If you're one of them, remember, the person you meet online will want to meet you in person, too, so it's best to be upfront. 

Also, in a brick and mortar setting such as a bar, you cannot hide your body. Like it or not, body shape is one factor that influences attraction. The good news is everyone has different tastes, which means there are people out there who will be attracted to you, whatever your body type is. Why not give those people a fair shot at finding you? 

3. Include a few action shots in your online dating profile. 

I believe that action shots are what will set your profile apart from the rest. Think of your online dating profile as a visual summary of who you are as a person. These are the photos where you can get creative and show potential matches who you are and how you live.  

What are your hobbies and interests? Do you like to cook? Travel? Practice yoga? Swim? Just name it; I guarantee you can take a photo of yourself doing it. Don't only mention it in your profile either; show it. Here's another tip: beautiful and exotic landscapes can be fascinating to look at but will be even better if you're in them.  

4. Limit group photos in your online dating profile. 

You may have read elsewhere that it's a good idea to include group photos with people of the same sex in your online dating profile because of the "Cheerleader Effect." The Cheerleader Effect holds that people of the same sex in group photos look more attractive when together. However, if you include too many group shots, a potential match may not feel like playing "Where's Waldo" and swipe left out of laziness or frustration. 

My advice is to include individual photos of yourself first, and if there's a group photo you think you look particularly attractive in, add it toward the end of your profile. Just make sure whoever is looking at it can quickly identify you in it.  

5. Add a photo with your pet in your online dating profile if you are a pet owner. 

Research has shown that including a photo in your online dating profile of you with your pet, particularly a dog, will make a person more likely to match with you. Cats, unfortunately, not so much. 

According to a survey, more than one-third of people who swiped right on an online dating profile that included a dog photo did so to meet the dog. So, if you're wondering whether you should have a picture of your pooch in your profile, consider this a clear sign to go ahead. That dog of yours may turn out to be the best friend — and wingman — you ever had. 

How To Celebrate Valentine’s Day When You’re in a New(ish) Relationship Without Making it Weird

When you're just starting out in a new relationship, Valentine's Day can feel uncertain. The holiday of love and romance can represent a level of intimacy that you and your new(ish) partner may have simply not achieved yet.

Perhaps you've only been dating for a couple of months or have only been on a few dates. Or maybe you're not exclusive yet or haven't talked about where you stand. Should you celebrate Valentine's Day? Should you ignore it altogether? The questions can cause you to become anxiety-ridden.

As a professional matchmaker, I recognize that, as my clients begin new relationships, the topic of commitment surrounding Valentine's Day can be tricky. So, I urge them to understand their relationship and utilize communication to work at their own pace.

Below are my suggestions for how to navigate a new relationship on Valentine's Day.

Talk about Valentine's Day with the person you're dating beforehand.

It may seem daunting to bring up Valentine's Day because it feels awkward and potentially ushers in the dreaded "What (or where) are we?" conversation. But, as I always emphasize, open communication is necessary for any relationship to succeed. And if Valentine's Day presents enough of a conflict or sense of uncertainty for you and your relationship, then it's something you should talk about with your new partner.

That said, you don't need to make a big deal of Valentine's Day either. Gauge your partner's interest in the holiday. Perhaps they despise it, referring to it as a "Hallmark holiday," and don't want to celebrate it at all. Or maybe they think celebrating Valentine's Day is a huge step in a relationship, signifying a serious, committed relationship, and leave the conversation at that.

Either way, you won't know how your partner feels about Valentine's Day until you talk about it with them. But when you do, keep the conversation light — and the bunnies in the garden (not in a pot of water) where they belong.

Do something low-key for Valentine's Day.

When dating someone new, it's important to pace your relationship comfortably. You don't want to get serious too fast, but also you don't want to stagnate. Valentine's Day can be a catalyst for the growth of your relationship. Maybe you and your partner have built enough of a bond that you want to spend Valentine's Day together, but you don't want to be serious about it or your relationship quite yet.

Planning a date for Valentine's Day commensurate with your level of intimacy can result in a successful and, just as important, fun night. There's no need to pressure yourselves into booking an expensive dinner and eating a meal surrounded by "serious" couples giving each other lovey-dovey looks or even proposing!

So why not do something more low-key, such as cooking together at home and then cuddling up on the couch with some hot cocoa while watching a movie? Or schedule a romantic walk or hike. Or maybe plan a casual celebration with a small group and ask your current love interest to join.

How creative you and your partner get will speak volumes about how romantic — and interested — you both are. Keep an open mind and be realistic about the time you've spent together thus far so you don't set yourself up for disappointment. A little effort can still mean a lot, given where you are in your relationship.

Discuss whether you want to exchange gifts for Valentine's Day.

Another topic you should talk about with your partner beforehand: gifts. Gift-giving can be tricky and likely awkward because, in a way, gifts can signify the level of commitment you and your partner feel toward each other. A costly gift, for instance, can suggest a serious relationship. So, if you're just starting out with a new partner, perhaps save the jewelry for a future Valentine's Day.

Without proper communication beforehand, one person will inevitably show up with a more expensive gift than the other, leaving both of you feeling weird about the situation. So consider agreeing on a price limit or not giving anything to avoid any awkwardness.

Don't celebrate Valentine's Day at all.

There's no written rule saying you must celebrate Valentine's Day together. February 14th is merely another day on the calendar; it doesn't have to be Valentine's Day per se. However, there's no reason you have to be apart on this particular Day either and not see each other.

Why not schedule a regular date for Valentine's Day? You don't have to go all out with romance; just continue along the current trajectory with your new partner.

Again, a discussion beforehand can play an important role in keeping everyone's expectations in check and not having an elephant in the room during your non-valentine Valentine's Day date. No one likes a third wheel.

Make other plans for Valentine's Day instead.

Avoid the conflict altogether by doing something else on Valentine's Day, and no, I don't mean by going on a date with someone new. I'm thinking something more along the lines of planning to hang out with your friends instead.

Making alternative plans eases the pressure of what to do on Valentine's Day with a new partner. Even if the question comes up and one or both of you don't feel ready to share the day, you can't meet up anyway because you're already busy. Who knows, that may be enough for that new boo of yours to have a change of heart.

Updated February 13, 2025.

How to Beat the Rejection Mindset When Using Online Dating

Online dating offers singles the opportunity to meet more people than they ever could using traditional methods — in person or through introductions. Logic would, therefore, dictate that more people than ever before should be in relationships. Instead, the opposite is true: more people than ever before are single. So why, then, do all of these interactions over online dating never seem to work out? 

A 2019 study hypothesizes the existence of a "rejection mindset," in which the continuous exposure to seemingly endless potential matches makes people feel more pessimistic about finding a partner, continuing a cycle of rejection. It results in less satisfaction with dating, in general, and, for women, especially, a lower likelihood of finding a match. 

Thus, the question becomes: How do singles beat the rejection mindset to put themselves in a position to meet their ideal match? 

Don't take rejection while dating online personally. 

 When someone doesn't match with you, or if someone talks to you then un-matches or "ghosts," or if you go out with someone a couple of times and the interaction fizzles, and it happens repeatedly, you may begin to internalize why you haven't experienced success. You may think it's because you're boring, not good-looking enough, not smart enough, not rich enough, or whatever "not enough" you can come up with at the moment. As a result, you develop this rejection mindset. 

It's critical to remember that there's more to your online dating experience than what meets the eye, meaning you don't necessarily know what's going on in someone else's life when you speak with them. Perhaps the person who ghosted you did so because they aren't sure of their romantic intentions. Or maybe an ex re-entered the picture. Or perhaps something happened in their personal life that caused them to step away from dating, such as a parent becoming sick. It could be anything; don't assume it's always because of you. Usually, it isn't. 

Don't let online dating rejection deter you. 

Everyone experiences setbacks or failures now and again — at work, with hobbies, and, yes, in their dating lives. But that doesn't mean you're a failure as a person; it just means you're human. If you internalize your dating "fails," couching them as such, and act as though you're a failure, then that will be the message you send to others, including romantic interests. Most people don't react well to pessimism, which would continue to feed a cycle of rejection. 

Experiencing a so-called failure, such as not landing a date with a match you find appealing or getting dumped, is universal. But the key to success is that you don't let it get you down or give up on dating altogether. After a disappointment, you must get back up and try again, with your head held high. Optimism and positive energy are attractive to others. If you view yourself as a success, others will, too. And when rejection inevitably happens, you won't feel rejected. Or, if you do, you won't care as much. 

Recognize that when using dating sites, you reject other people, too. 

Just as you’re looking to find a match, everyone else is doing the same. So when you're perusing profiles and choose to swipe left, you are, in effect, rejecting that person. But are you rejecting that person because you view them as a failure as a human being? Hopefully not. It's most likely that this person doesn't appear to be a good fit for you. That could be for a variety of reasons, such as living too far away, them communicating different relationship goals from yours, or not being physically appealing — to you.  

Rejecting other people while looking for a match isn't something to feel badly about; it's a part of dating. When other people reject you, it's crucial to maintain perspective and understand that rejection is a given in the grand scheme of dating. Everyone must choose between their options. Not everyone will choose you, just as you will not choose everyone else. 

When using online dating, think about why that person might have rejected you. 

A difficult question but one necessary to ask is: "Why did this person reject me?" And no, the answer is not because you're an unlovable person. It's most likely because some aspect of your profile made you not a match for this person. If it's something to do with where you live, you might not be able or willing to change that. If you're a brunette and someone searching wants a blonde, and that's what causes them not to feel attracted to you, so be it. 

But if it's your attitude that's holding you back, you can address it. What's the tone of your profile? Are you saying what you don't want instead of what you do ("No fat guys." "No one below six-foot-one.")? Try leading with the positive instead of the negative. Additionally, when you start talking to potential matches and going on dates, how's your body language? Are you slouching or looking away? What are you saying?  

If, for instance, you appear to have a cloud of misery over your head — you hate your job, the guy in the next office, your ex — and are gesticulating wildly, try casually and enthusiastically discussing what you like most and what you hope to achieve out of your life. If you're having trouble in these areas, it's likely because you feel bad about yourself inside. Practicing self-care could help you address those issues and communicate more positively. 

Don't let online dating, and dating in general, rule your life. 

When you're talking to someone new, a frequent discussion will be about the hobbies you're both involved in or how you spend your free time. Ask yourself: Do I have a life outside of dating? Friends? A career? Charitable endeavors? Hobbies? 

The answer should be yes to this critical question. Because if you don't have interests apart from dating, your reasons for dating may likely be due to you wanting someone else to fill a void you feel in yourself. Others will recognize this, whether immediately or as they get to know you better, the result of which won't be good for you or your relationship if you even get that far.  

Having an identity outside of your romantic partner is essential to building and sustaining a healthy and long-lasting relationship. That means dating should be one aspect of your life, not your entire life. Don't let it define your worth. You're worth so much more. 

How Will the Events of 2020 Affect Dating Trends in 2021?

I think it's safe to say 2020 was nothing like anyone expected when we watched the ball drop a little more than a year ago. Though we had no idea what was in store for us, we were on the cusp of a global pandemic, a modern-day civil rights movement, and one of the most cut-throat presidential elections in U.S. history. None of these circumstances made it easy to date, let alone live our lives as we once did. 

With a vaccination effort now underway, more self-awareness about racism, and a new administration coming into office, I've spent the last week or so thinking about what we can expect for singles in the coming year. Despite the challenges we've faced during the past 10 months, I'm optimistic about the dating landscape in 2021, and not only because my clients have already demonstrated how resilient they are, finding love in the direst of circumstances.  

I'm hopeful because I believe the hardships singles had to contend with last year made them better daters. Based on my work with clients for more than three decades, these are my predictions for how the events of 2020 will affect dating trends in 2021. 

Slower dating  

One consequence arising from the events of 2020 is that daters are taking more time to get to know romantic partners and take things slow. According to a new study released by OkCupid, 84 percent of those surveyed believe it's important to make an emotional connection before a physical connection. During a pandemic, when making a physical connection puts you at risk for more than a broken heart, it only makes sense that the current trend is to build connections slowly, step by step. 

Open-mindedness  

As a direct result of the pandemic, virtual dating has grown in prominence among daters who might have been used to meeting singles only in person — at bars, the gym, work, even the grocery store. With much of these scenarios off the table, singles understand there's less need to limit their search to just their area. According to the OkCupid study, there has been a 50 percent increase in connections and conversations between matches that live in different countries, resulting from more and more people setting their locations to "anywhere." 

In a broad sense, people are increasingly dating outside of their comfort zone, reflecting a rise in inter-religious and interracial dating. According to the study, people are now 15 percent more likely to match with someone with a different religious background and 10 percent more likely to match with someone with a different racial background than they were before the pandemic. This result might be due to increased cultural and racial awareness, in addition to a willingness to cast a larger net. 

Conscious dating  

With less of an ability to go out and meet people and a need to place a more considerable emphasis on socially distant dating, daters are thinking more carefully about how they allocate their time to potential matches. If they don't see a future with a match or soon figure out they have different relationship goals, they have less incentive to continue interacting. With less background noise in their lives, with fewer distractions, daters are paying attention, listening to the little voice inside of them that says when they should give a match a try, continue dating a particular person, stay in a relationship, or leave one. 

More fine-tuned dating 

With conscious dating also comes narrower relationship goals and expectations. People are more willing than ever to apply what they want from their more abstract dating goals to the dating process specifically. Daters are taking their goals to task by setting their sights on only viable matches (this person is interested in getting married one day, is open to relocating, etc.) and consider what a "good" date will look like to them. If they don't see what they're looking for, they continue their search.  

A willingness to give a serious relationship a try  

According to the study, five million people on OkCupid believe that couples should live together before getting married. The pandemic made it such that couples started living together quicker, as one million people on OkCupid indicated how they dislike living alone. Socially distancing during the pandemic heightened this sentiment, opening daters' minds to another new possibility that they might not have considered before. 

True, living together more quickly might not appear to be in line with a slower dating process at first glance. But when you consider how living together is a means to explore a monogamous relationship, it does indicate a dating slowdown. Indeed, the stakes are higher because you're putting in a lot more of yourself upfront, but with higher stakes can come higher payouts, particularly if that payout is the relationship you've been looking for all your life.  

This article originally appeared in Marin Magazine

17 Everyday Practices to Strengthen Your Relationship in the New Year

My clients come to me because they want a relationship. Most people do. As human beings, we're social creatures. We crave connection, and when we haven't had a romantic one for a while, we desire it, no matter how filled our lives are with friends, career, and hobbies. That's nature. 

Once we find a connection, we want to preserve it. Often, that proves problematic if we slip back into old ways — working too much, staying within ourselves, and just getting caught up in our own, let's say, mishigas. That's also nature. 

It's why we need to stay proactive about the romantic relationships we cherish — so our instincts don't take over and destroy what we have built or are in the process of building. To be clear, I'm not a fan of the expression "Relationships are hard work." It implies relationships are this tiring, draining experience. And let's face it, the prospect of having to work hard at something, something else, isn't always appealing.  

Instead, think of a relationship as a living organism that each partner needs to nurture and care for every day — in small amounts, little by little, and not in the same way. In other words, taking care of your relationship shouldn't feel like a daily chore but rather an experience you have, one that energizes you as much as you energize it.  

How do you do that? Visualize your relationship as a collection of touchpoints. None is more important than the other. However, for your relationship to survive, you must touch all of them regularly. If you miss one repeatedly, it can, over time, drain the rest and the relationship overall. Here are 17 touchpoints to consider.   

Prioritize your relationship. 

We hear this a lot, and it's excellent advice. However, I believe it can become a slippery slope, especially if you're trying to save a relationship. Yes, make your relationship a priority, but don't make it your only one. If you do, you will lose yourself, and at some point down the line, you — and your relationship — won't be able to withstand the burden anymore. 

Communicate.  

Pissed off your girlfriend left her towel on the bathroom floor? Angry that your boyfriend left his wine glass on the coffee table? Appreciate the birthday cake your wife baked for your birthday or the dinner your husband cooked last night? Tell them. If something's bothering you, get it out into the open. Don't fester about it, engage in passive-aggressive behavior with them, or take your frustration out on someone else or yourself. 

As I mentioned above in my examples, communication can also be positive, so if you have something nice to say, want to express your appreciation, love, or want to share about your day, go for it. Your partner wants to know they're a fundamental part of your life. And that includes all the elements of your life — the good, the bad, and the ugly.  

Listen.  

To communicate well, you need to listen well. When your partner shares with you, they're not only telling you what they picked up at the market or what happened that day at work. As they communicate, your partner gives you a glimpse into who they are. Between the lines, your partner will tell you what they care about and how they feel about you, life, and themselves. Pay attention. Listening shows you care. 

Argue. 

Do you think arguing shows you have problems in your relationship? Think again. Healthy couples disagree from time to time, and it doesn't have to be about something serious like that extra-long look your husband noticed you giving the trainer at the gym.  

A healthy argument could be about politics, whether you want to go to that dinner party on Saturday night, or about what color to paint the living room. When done positively and with respect (no name-calling or insults), arguing can strengthen a relationship. It's part of communicating.  

Give each other space. 

In a healthy relationship, both partners have their own lives. They're not on top of each other all the time. Each partner has friends and interests outside their relationship. Sometimes those friends and interests intersect; other times, they don't. 

If you're having an argument or your partner hurts your feelings, and you begin to lose control or perspective, take a step back from the situation. Get some air, go for a walk, or leave the room. Alone time can change the way the landscape looks.   

Have self-respect. 

One of the best ways to contribute to your relationship's health is to have self-respect. When you do, you're not afraid to stand up for yourself if necessary.  

You also are comfortable expressing your wants and needs in the relationship. You value yourself and communicate this to your partner. 

Respect your partner. 

No self-respecting person mistreats their partner. Abuse, physical, verbal, and emotional, comes from a place of self-loathing. If you find yourself mistreating your partner, ask yourself why. Not to mention, if you treat your parent with disrespect, why would you expect them to treat you any better? It's more likely they will come to resent or despise you.   

Treating your partner with indifference is not respecting your partner either. If you genuinely don't care about what they say or feel, or about being with them at all, give them the respect they deserve by either working on your relationship or leaving.  

Practice self-care.  

A person who has self-respect takes steps to care for themselves physically, mentally, and emotionally. Set aside time every day just for you. Meditate, journal, exercise, take a hot bath, make yourself a fantastic cup of coffee or a meal. Do whatever you love to do, even if it's for only a few minutes. It will do wonders for your attitude and enthusiasm for life.  

Connect with your partner. 

Make a point to connect with your partner daily. I know life gets crazy, and you can pass your spouse on the way to the kitchen without even looking up from your phone. Stay conscious not to do this. Check in with them often. Face your partner when you speak to them. Look into their eyes. Touch them when you talk. 

Be honest. 

Don't lie, period. Come to your partner from a place of honesty. White lies also count, as do lies of omissions. Causing feelings of doubt in your partner will only serve to undermine your relationship. 

Establish trust in your relationship. 

Honesty builds trust in a relationship. But remember not only to look for trust from your partner; show your partner they can trust you as well.  

Stand by your word. It's your most valued asset and what others will remember you for long after you're gone.   

Support your partner.  

Support is not the same as agreeing with your partner. You may think they won't get that promotion at work, believe they were the one at fault in an argument with a friend because of their overreaction, or won't sell that painting they've been working on for months. Your beliefs may turn out to be correct. It doesn't matter. 

Either way, you can still be a supportive partner. Be sure to encourage them to follow their ambitions and be empathetic about their feelings, making a concerted effort to understand why they feel as they do. Everyone wants to know their partner's in their corner.  

Don't go to bed mad. 

In any relationship, fights will occur. You will inevitably hurt your partner's feelings, and they will hurt yours. If you can't resolve the situation before bed, at least start the conversation about making that happen. Extending an olive branch and a good night's sleep go well together. 

Express love.  

Your partner may know you love them but tell them anyway. Often. The words can be affirming for both of you.  

Spend quality time together. 

That doesn't mean sitting on the couch with your partner while one of you watches TV and the other reads a book. Do something together. It can be a TV show or a movie if you're both engaged in it, especially now during a pandemic. 

Even better, go for a walk, a hike, or cook together so you can talk during the activity and catch up on life. It doesn't matter what you do as long as you're involved while you do it. 

Make time for intimacy. 

Sex is an essential part of most healthy relationships (I say most because there are exceptions: mutual agreement or illness, for example). Make time for sex. Schedule it if you have to, and if you aren't in the mood, give yourself a little push because you may get in the mood.  

Stay conscious about making your partner feel wanted. And if you're the one who's getting the cold shoulder, voice it. Your partner may not realize how the lack of intimacy in your relationship affects you. 

Forgive. 

Everyone makes mistakes, including in their relationship. However, sometimes, forgiveness for the past can take time. Be patient.  

If you feel your relationship is worth the effort, then when you're ready, apologize to your partner or accept an apology from them. Forgiveness, you see, is the highest form of love. "You can't forgive without loving. And I don't mean sentimentality. I don't mean mush. I mean having enough courage to stand up and say, 'I forgive. I'm finished with it.'" —Maya Angelou 

11 Ways to Practice Self-Care When You're Dating

To date and do it well, you need to invest in the process. The best way to make the most of dating is, somewhat counterintuitively, not to focus on your date but, instead, to practice self-care. Like any venture, whether it's for work, a home improvement project, or preparing to run a triathlon, you're going to need your strength.  

You'd be surprised how long it takes to write a thoughtful dating profile. Or sort through hundreds if not thousands of profiles, strike up and maintain an intelligent conversation through text, email, phone calls, and Zoom, go out (even virtually) on a first date, follow up, and, if it feels right, continue dating. I won't even get into the work that has to go into a relationship once you get into one to keep it healthy and strong.  

The point is you need to take care of your mind and body throughout each of these stages. And it's not only to make yourself more appealing to the person you're dating, although that's part of it. It's also to ensure your head is in the game — the dating process and the people you're meeting themselves.  

Yes, everyone wants to feel they're getting the attention they deserve and a fair shot at the relationship they want. After all, your date's time, money, and energy are at stake, too. Not putting in your best effort affects others as much as it does you.  

So to have the best dating experience possible, I've come up with 11 straightforward ways to practice self-care when you're dating, which you can implement quite easily if you set your mind to it. Here they are.  

1. Get rest.  

We hear this all the time: get a good night's sleep every night. I know for myself, if I don't get in my Zs, I'm foggy the next day, and very likely the day after that. Dating requires thinking with a clear head. With every interaction, you need to make choices. Do I like this person? Is what they're telling me true? Does their lifestyle work with mine? Should I continue dating them? 

When you aren't getting enough sleep, you won't be as equipped to ask and, more importantly, answer these questions. Sleep will enable you to be analytical about the choices you're making. Plus, sleeping well and for enough time keeps your body healthy so that you can do many of the other things on this list. Not to mention, you will look better, too. I haven't met many people who look more attractive with dark circles under their eyes.  

2. Meditate.  

Many people, including myself, utilize meditation for many purposes. As it pertains to dating, meditation can be a useful tool to help you clarify your relationship goals: Why are you dating? What are you looking for in a date? How can you date better and smarter? 

If you're feeling stressed about the state of the (dating) world, meditation can provide the refresher you need to emerge crisp and clear-headed, ready and excited to find and build a new relationship. Meditation offers the added benefit of helping you relax, which you may find useful while on your dates, too. 

3. Journal.  

Journaling is a practical way to check-in with yourself. Beyond dating, how are things going in your life right now? How are you feeling mentally? Physically? And within the world of dating: How is your relationship progressing? Are you happy with the way your relationship is going? 

If you're a bit of an overthinker, journaling may be the remedy you need. If you're worried about something that you said, for example, you can write about it until your brain catches up with your emotions and realizes, "Oh, wow. I shouldn't worry about this anymore" or "I know how I can make this right." You can now carry on with your day having that weight lifted from your chest. 

4. Treat others well.  

Whether you're dating or not, take this advice to heart: Treat others with kindness and respect and how you would expect others to treat you. For example, even if you are sweet and kind to your date but rude to the waitstaff, your date will take note of it, and there may not be a next date.  

Plus, if you have any sense of decency, you'll feel bad afterward about the waitstaff and losing out on a potential relationship. If you don't, you may want to explore why and not date until you do. 

5. Spend time doing what you love.  

As a matchmaker, I've noticed that some people make the mistake of letting their partner become the center of their universe. Meaning, they lose their identity and, instead, become fixated on their relationship. Doing this can create a downward spiral, often resulting in heartbreak since you're no longer the person you represented yourself to be. 

To save your relationship (and your sanity), keep doing what you love. If you like reading, keep reading. If you like hiking, keep hiking. You existed before you met your partner; there's no reason why you can't exist apart from them now. Additionally, having outside interests will always give you something exciting to discuss with your partner, mainly because you're excited about it. 

6. Try new things.  

Opening yourself up to trying new food, hobbies, and experiences will keep you not only sharp but also intriguing to your partner. People tend to get bored when they do the same things over and over again. So why not enjoy a day trip to a museum with your partner, by yourself, or with friends? (OK, maybe not physically during a pandemic, but a virtual tour, perhaps?)  

Even outside of a relationship, it's healthy to sustain a sense of curiosity about the world around you. The experience of broadening our horizons and trying new things builds character and personality and honestly makes us more enjoyable to others when they talk to us.  

7. Groom.  

I cannot emphasize enough just how critical taking care of yourself is. I'm sure you've heard of the "love weight" that people gain at the start of a relationship, as they continuously go out to eat. But beyond that, when you start getting comfortable in a relationship, you may not take as much care with your hair, makeup, or outfits as you once did. 

Don't make that mistake! While it's nice to feel comfortable enough with someone that you don't feel like you have to take care of yourself, overall, you may end up feeling worse in the long run because if you don't look your best, you may not end up feeling your best. This mindset may harm you in other areas of your life, such as work and friendships. Again, the lack of grooming is a symptom of letting your relationship encompass your life, while, in reality, your relationship should be only one part of your life. 

8. Do what makes you feel good.  

If you aren't comfortable scheduling three dates in one week, don't. If you would prefer to have a call over Zoom versus the phone, express that. If you aren't yet comfortable being intimate, wait. And if you don't feel good about yourself when you're around someone you're dating, stop dating them. Sound simple? It is.   

9. Don't ruminate. 

I'm sorry to say but, with dating, anything goes. Some folks act nicer than others. And people don't always appreciate or realize how their behaviors affect those they interact with, even if the interactions are seemingly small. Inevitably, someone will ghost you (disappear without warning), say something offensive, or not behave as you would.  

Stop dwelling on it. Don't try to figure out why this person said what they did or acted a particular way. Move on because, quite likely, they're not thinking about you. And, to be honest, at that point, if they've mistreated you, you shouldn't care if they are.  

10. Live in the moment. 

I advise my clients to be clear about their dating and relationship goals, both to themselves and to the people they date. But I also tell them they need to let things happen naturally.  

Set up that timeline you have in your head but refrain from telling your date during a first meeting that if you don't get a ring at the end of six months, you're gone. I can pretty much guarantee your date will disappear long before you ever have to worry about it.  

Stop putting pressure on yourself and whoever you're seeing. Let your relationship unfold as it should. That's part of the beauty and excitement of dating.   

11. Take a break from dating if you need it.  

If dating starts to feel grating, or if everyone starts looking and sounding the same, take a break. Dating isn't only a means to an end. Dating should be enjoyable, even if the person you're out with isn't "The One." Most people you go out with won't be. So be kind to yourself. It's by far the best way to teach others how to treat you.  

A Look Back: What Has 2020 Taught You About Dating?

I've been in this business for more than three decades, working as both a modern-day matchmaker and relationship coach. But never before have my clients or I faced the dating challenges that we did this past year.

I know you've heard it before, but 2020 was unprecedented in so many ways. There aren't many of us left who lived through the Spanish flu of 1918 and are here to talk about it. Much more lethal than COVID-19, the Spanish flu could take hold after breakfast and leave its victim dead by lunch.

Yet, somehow, stories continued to emerge from those born during the Spanish flu who survived not one pandemic but two. Each one is a testament to the strength of the human spirit. Faced with the threat of illness, or illness itself, the loss of loved ones and friends to COVID-19, financial stress, loneliness, changing lifestyles, and whatever else you can imagine a 21st-century pandemic could bring on, my clients continued to look for love through it all.

Using creative dating strategies that included Zoom, many socially distanced outdoor dates, and an incredible amount of patience, love prevailed. I had clients who met right before the pandemic adjust their usual dating behaviors to keep their new relationships going. I had other clients who opened themselves to alternative dating practices, particularly when it came to slowing down their dating timelines. And then still others who didn't let a big obstacle like a pandemic get in their way of giving dating a try for the first time in a long while, or for the umpteenth time.

I recently sat down with a few of the couples I've been counseling, couples I found partners for, a few of whom have weddings on the calendar for 2021. Forget a baby boom; 2021 is going to give us a wedding boom! (I better start dress shopping….)

Despite their success, whether engaged or simply enjoying the excitement a budding relationship brings, it wasn't necessarily easy for these couples to get to the point they are now. It's why, given the challenges of this past year and how it impacted their dating experiences, I wanted to hear my clients' takeaways.

Although we are all happy to say goodbye to 2020, life comes with unexpected situations. Because of that, I think it's worth taking a few moments to remember how we survived and thrived during this one. Here's what they said.

"If you always have an excuse for why you can't date, then you shouldn't date."

Before COVID, my clients would come to me and say that the person they were dating or trying to set up a date with was utterly inflexible. They could only meet for an hour before spin class or talk after 10 p.m. — every Tuesday and Thursday. I wish I were exaggerating.

They would only eat in a restaurant that didn't serve meat or date someone who had visited no less than 27 countries because, otherwise, it meant they weren't curious about the world. It never occurred to them, for example, that this "unworldly" person couldn't afford to travel up until then or had the time to because they were raising kids.

When the pandemic hit with a vengeance, forcing us to hole up in our homes alone, many people all of a sudden began to question how important the excuses they used to make actually were. Could they have rescheduled that spin class for a different night or gone out an hour earlier? More importantly, they started to wonder if perhaps it was them and their excuses that had affected their ability to meet someone they wanted to spend time with, someone who they liked.

Suddenly, adjusting to Zoom dates, though not as pleasant as real dates, became a possibility — a welcome one. Coffee dates on a bench in a dog park thought to be cheap before COVID now made the person who suggested it appear creative. A picnic with a view and takeout on a blanket became a welcome escape. And a beacon of hope.

Of course, there were those still guilty of blowing off dates, not answering texts, and saying they can't date in a pandemic; they'll wait until it's over. Because they "couldn't" date, they wouldn't. And, for the most part, these are the people who remain single. But if that's the case, it's likely not because of COVID. Instead, it's probably because of what they want deep down inside: to stay single. And that's OK, too. The bottom line is to date when you're ready to date.

 "You need to have standards."

Dating isn't for the faint of heart. Yes, there are people out there who will go so far as to be rude. And then others whose indifference to you will sting. Whatever the case may be, pandemic dating, i.e., dating with a lot more time to think about your intentions, how you treat others, and how others treat you, has led my clients to a more conscious approach to dating.

Being alone has its upside. You have more time to think. Plus, you know now for sure you are capable of being by yourself. As a result, you are willing to wait until you find the right person, someone you like and respect, and who likes and respects you. 

"Sometimes finding love takes work."

Working from home didn't prove to be easy, and neither did dating from home. Summoning the strength to brush their hair for a Zoom date was a "thing" for some of my clients at times, so I heard. Kidding aside (sort of), dating from home and social distance dating during a pandemic was a lot harder than it looked.

After being on them all day for work, getting on another video call, or choosing to forgo an episode of "The Queen's Gambit" or "The Undoing," to have a virtual date, required a lot of discipline and faith. My clients rose to the challenge and kept with it for the following reason. 

"You have to want it."

Your so-called dream guy or girl could show up at your doorstep (Hello, George Clooney!), but if you don't want to be with someone, then you won't be. People often talk about visualizing what you desire from the universe, from God, from whatever, and whomever you believe in, and there's a lot to be said for that.

No, I don't believe that if you put a photo of George Clooney on a vision board, he will leave Amal for you. Or that Elizabeth Hurley will come to you, bikini-clad, begging for a date. Sorry guys.

I believe that to find love, you must picture what it would be like to be in a relationship with a person who enjoys doing some of the things you do, like exploring the hills around Portofino. You also need to picture if you want that individual to help you unload the dishwasher, cook dinner, and whether you're ready to make that man or woman soup if they're feeling sick.

The ongoing pandemic caused my clients to ask this of themselves. Facing a dishwasher needing emptying, dinner for one, and an empty bed inspired them to ask: Do I want to be with someone in a real way? My coupled clients, and those putting themselves out there in an authentic, serious-minded way, answered yes.      

"I realized I needed help, except this time, I asked for it."

Dating, particularly at mid-life and beyond, comes with its unique challenges. Challenges that begin with the past each one of us carries in our hearts and memories. Some of it's good, some of it's not so good, but all of it makes us who we are today — a blend of how we see ourselves, how we see the world, and how we see ourselves in the world. Finding the missing piece of the puzzle to fit the one we lost or left behind can feel near impossible. That's because it is. Hear me out.

Think about an actual jigsaw puzzle, the one you don't want to throw away because you think that missing piece is just going to turn up one day. It's the reason why you stashed that box in the back of a closet in the first place, just in case.

Well, I have some advice for you: toss it in the trash. No one is ever going to fill the void you have for someone else, and the odds of that missing piece turning up are almost nonexistent, like your lost socks. It's time to get a new puzzle and a new pair of socks.

Sometimes even the most astute of us need help to realize this. Sometimes we benefit from an outsider to show us the possibilities. And sometimes, we want someone to hold our hand before we feel confident enough to hold someone else's. But when we do, the rest, as they say, is history. The good kind. Here's to a new, better year.