Friends or Lovers? New Study Says Maybe Both

Relationship studies usually focus on romance’s traditional trajectory: two strangers meet, go on a series of dates, and, over time, fall in love. However, in a new study released in July, researchers focused on another, often overlooked, relationship path: friends to lovers.

The study defines the friends-to-lovers pathway as when two friends start out strictly platonic, but then a switch flips. A romance blossoms, and, lo and behold, they become a couple.

The study, a meta-analysis of seven studies, evaluated the relationship pathways of 1,897 college students and older adults. The results indicated that two-thirds of the participants reported their relationship started from the point of friendship. Not only that, the friends-first pathway was found to be the preferred method of forming romantic relationships among college students.

Apparently, ignoring the friends-to-lovers pathway has been a significant oversight. But does that mean you should only focus on your Facebook friend list and phone contacts to find love? No, of course not.

Other routes to love — an introduction, online dating, living your life to its fullest — still work, especially when friendship is a component. Thinking about romantic relationships in terms of how you work as friends could be the relationship boost you need. Here are a few issues to think about when considering your relationship objectives, whatever they might be.

Is online dating effective for finding a romance based on friendship?

You betcha. Naturally, a study like this one could raise questions about whether online dating platforms, which pair matches who’ve never met before, would also be a viable way to build a romance based on friendship. The reason online dating can set the stage for a friendship-based romance rests in the power you have to pace your relationship once you and a match hit it off. In other words, you can become friends with your matches by getting to know them better gradually.

It’s a simple principle really, but, too often, people miss this stage as they try to advance a relationship forward too quickly. They want a boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, husband, or wife, which are good goals to have, but they want it too fast. They want a relationship with these titles without laying the groundwork first, the foundation necessary to sustain it.

Consider the following timeline instead. Go on a first date with an open mind. Get to know your match, and, if you like them, become friends. Second date: similar deal. Keep getting to know your match. Do activities together. Learn more about each other’s common interests, backgrounds, values, and long-term relationship goals. In other words, learn who they are as a person. 

Remember, in any lasting relationship, your partner is also supposed to be your best friend. Therefore, you cannot expect a relationship to stand the test of time and whatever else life throws at it without being friends. This principle holds for people you meet anywhere, not only online.

What about the dreaded friend zone?

Not to worry. You don’t need to stay “just friends” with a match for months or years before moving into a romance. Building a foundation of friendship need not take too long: once your friendship is established and you begin to develop a sense of emotional intimacy, a romance can soon follow.

If, on the other hand, signs of a romance seem to be taking a long time, well, you might very well have entered the friend zone. In that case, I would tell you to look for someone else to fill the role of a loving partner in your life. That doesn’t mean you can’t keep your new friend around. You can. But with one caveat: you lose the expectation of your friendship becoming more. 

What about friends with benefits?

If you’re unfamiliar with the term, a friend with benefits is the description used for two friends who engage in sexual activity together in a non-exclusive manner without (theoretically) having romantic feelings for one another. I say theoretically because engaging in a sexual relationship while remaining detached emotionally, especially for women, is extremely difficult.

Someone usually winds up developing feelings — and expectations — the other person is unable or unwilling to meet. I don’t recommend it, especially if your true intention is to find a long-term relationship or marriage.

The study results support my point. At first glance, it could provide false hope to someone in a friends-with-benefits situation who’s looking for more. But, on closer examination, the study does explain that a friends with benefits relationship rarely transitions into a traditional romantic relationship.

As the research suggests, the friends-to-lovers pathway is forged through deep emotional intimacy.  Platonic friends realize their attraction to each other and mutually agree to enter a committed relationship. Such a connection doesn’t often develop in a friend with benefits type situation due to the rules the parties usually establish at the outset of this type of engagement and the understanding they have. Catching feelings is a no-no.

Final thoughts...

Part of what helps us choose our friends is that they fit into our lives, their interests are similar to ours, and we like them. Hopefully, these are the same criteria you would use to describe a romantic partner.

It should go without saying that first becoming friends with a romantic interest won’t guarantee you’ll enter a relationship together, or if you do that, it will turn into the relationship you envision. However, thinking about a person you’re interested in as a friend can help ensure you’re thinking with your head and not just your heart — something any good friend would advise you to do.

Are You Too Picky a Dater?

"I'm picky." It's not uncommon to hear someone describe themselves this way, especially when it comes to finding love. People usually use the p-word to explain the reason why they're single — by choice.

If you haven't called yourself the p-word, you can probably think of someone you have. Or someone you would want to, whether a friend or an individual you've dated.

Pickiness can be frustrating, both for you if you're the person engaging in the behavior and the person on the receiving end of it. For example, the person you've dismissed because of seemingly minor infractions — they're too short, own a cat, or have bad dating profile pictures.

But, you rationalize, you're waiting for the right one. The one who would never wear blue nail polish, who lives less than three miles away, and who likes lobster ice cream as much as you do. Is that so wrong? Well, that depends.

Being somewhat picky when dating is healthy.

Pickiness, to a degree, is healthy dating behavior. Everyone deserves to be happy and treated well. Unfortunately, the alternative, not being picky at all, often translates to having low standards and can result in settling for someone who doesn't share the same relationship expectations, long-term goals, or values as you.

Though it's healthy to have certain expectations about your ideal match, making those preferences too specific won't help you find romance. According to a study published in The Journal of Experimental Psychology, even when the study's participants listed attributes beforehand they believed would characterize their ideal partner should they meet them, once face-to-face, their choices weren't what translated into romantic desire, the kind that sparks a relationship.  

One reason for the low predictive value of naming desirable attributes, said the researchers, is that humans are complex. When considered together, all of the traits that make up a person can be difficult to distinguish. In other words, you like a person for their many characteristics and how they're combined and balanced in that person. You like and are attracted to them for their uniqueness.

So, based on the study, when looking for a match, it's probably a good idea to keep more of an open mind about the people you meet. Otherwise, you risk missing out on a match that might look different in real life than they do on paper.

That's not to say it's wrong to have a few deal-breakers, those qualities so detestable to you that you couldn't envision yourself being with this person. The issue is when those deal breakers become too specific, too insignificant, and too many to count. 

If that's not enough to dissuade you from being so picky, the next step is to figure out why you are. The reasons can really boil down to two: the first is you've genuinely had a bad streak and met dud after dud, causing you to become discouraged.

Or the second and more likely reason: you're emotionally unavailable. Meaning, you think everyone you meet is a dud because, though you say you want a relationship, deep down, you don't.

Are you emotionally unavailable?

Emotional unavailability is a tricky concept for many daters to grasp. It manifests in various ways and stems from several factors in a person's life, both internal and external. For example, emotional unavailability can result from attachment issues, trauma or grief, or a temporary situation, such as a job loss, that prevents a person from focusing on a romantic relationship.

So how do you know if you're emotionally unavailable? Ultimately, answering this question honestly will come down to how well you can engage in deep introspection and whether it will lead you to any sense of self-awareness. Unfortunately, coming to a conclusion you're emotionally unavailable could take a long time to uncover.

To help facilitate the process, there are other questions to ask yourself first.

●       Have you ever been in a serious relationship?

●       Did you just get out of a relationship?

●       Are you at all willing to have serious conversations, particularly surrounding your emotions?

●       How busy are you in the rest of your life, as in work, family responsibilities, or school?

●       How much work are you willing or able to put into a relationship?

If you've never been in a relationship with any depth or just got out of a relationship that's left you reeling, are unwilling to have serious conversations about emotions, are extremely busy in other aspects of your life, and are unable or unwilling to put in the work required to begin and sustain a healthy, loving relationship, you might be emotionally unavailable

So you think you're emotionally unavailable. Now what?

Emotional unavailability doesn't mean you're doomed to be single forever. But to overcome emotional unavailability, you'll need to be proactive. If you suspect there's a deeper reason underlying why you're so picky all the time, here's what you can do:

●       Look at your life and what could be causing your emotional unavailability (i.e., a recent breakup, divorce, illness, finances)

●       See how you can make changes in your lifestyle (i.e., work less, set aside time to date)

●       Talk to a therapist or other mental health professional

●       Spend time with people in happy relationships or happily dating to model their behavior

●       Open up to others about issues that may be bothering you

●       Take new relationships slowly

●       Find a dating "wingman" or "wingwoman" or professional dating strategist to bounce ideas off of and help guide you in your dating efforts

●       Remain positive; dating is about numbers and exposing yourself to as many people as possible

Once you take these steps, you'll probably have a new outlook on dating. And on your life in general. Both outcomes can help you become less picky and more receptive to finding that special someone you can't wait to spend time with and want to learn about more. Remember, the possibilities are there once you make yourself emotionally available to them.

‘Am I the cynic here?’ Well, since you asked…

You might very well be. The cynic, that is. Hey, we all have it in us. Some more than others. None of us, in fact, are immune to being cynical at one time or another. The important thing is we realize, sooner than later, that we’re behaving this way, then check ourselves and ask why.

Once you stop for a moment to think, you’ll likely find there’s a good reason for your cynical behavior and that it has little to do with what you’re being cynical about. Instead, being a cynic is usually more about the bigger picture, which is your attitude. In other words, if you’re being overly cynical, your attitude is probably bad.

Having a bad attitude when you’re dating will pretty much ensure that you’ll never find someone you don’t find fault with, let alone like. So I ask you: How’s your attitude?

Not sure? Let me help. Do you find dating a chore, from having to look through endless dating profiles to getting dressed to meet someone new? Are you often lamenting that there’s no one out there worth meeting and everyone you meet is cheap, boring, self-centered, or, you guessed it, a cynic?

If this sounds like you, your attitude can probably use some work. That’s not to say people aren’t worthy of being passed by or aren’t cheap, boring, self-centered, or cynics. There are those who most definitely are. But if you go into dating thinking negatively, those are precisely the people you’ll attract.

That’s because negative people attract other negative people. And even if these people aren’t overtly cynics (sometimes it takes a little while to come out), your negativity can certainly contribute to bringing out the worst in others, creating a self-fulling prophecy — everyone you date will actually be a cynic.

The sad fact is is that when you have a bad attitude, chances are you’re the one who’s behaving like a cynic. Cynics tend not to be very happy people. They also tend to wind up alone. And when they do find a relationship, those relationships tend to be unfulfilling.

To date successfully requires going in with a positive attitude. By positive attitude, I mean the following:

 ●        Living in the moment,

●        looking for the best in others,

●        keeping an open mind,

●        behaving respectfully, and

●     seeing every dating experience as an opportunity to learn, whether new information, about someone new but, most importantly, about yourself.

Not every dating encounter will lead to the relationship you want. But to date well, you do need to exercise your dating muscles — your ability to be conversational, engaging, courteous, and, yes, positive, even when the encounter doesn’t go as you hoped, planned, or well. It takes practice.

Monday, September 13, is Positive Thinking Day. In honor of the day, I’d like to urge you to take a few moments to reflect on what you’re bringing to the proverbial table when you go out on a date. Or, if you’re not even getting that far, to the table, that is, what you’re bringing to your online dating profiles, texts, emails, and phone conversations.

As the saying goes, you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. The same goes for eligible single men and women. You know, the ones looking for someone who’s nice, kind, smart, and funny. Like you. The real you.

Is the Person I’m Dating Over Their Last Relationship?

When you're starting to date someone new, the topic of past relationships and exes will inevitably come up. No harm, no foul. Usually. Past relationships are part of who we are, especially when dating after divorce, as many singles over 50 are. But, and it's a big but, if the person you're dating reveals that they've recently gotten out of a relationship (or marriage), well, this may give you pause. And with good reason. At this point, you should be asking yourself the following question: Are they over their ex?

While you can ask them straight out, and the person you're asking can give you an emphatic yes, it doesn't mean they're actually over their ex. It doesn't necessarily mean they're a liar either; they just might not realize they haven't moved on yet.

So, instead of what they say, their behavior toward you and your budding relationship might be a more accurate barometer of how they feel. With this in mind, here are a few red flags to look out for when deciding whether you want to get involved with someone who may be coming to you with emotional baggage regarding an old flame.

They went through their breakup recently.

Upon the first mention of exes, it's common to ask when exactly the person you're dating broke up with theirs. If they got out of a long relationship within the past month or so, likely, they haven't had enough time to process the breakup.

A breakup or divorce involves a loss — a loss of a friend, lover, and partner. Because of that, many people go through the five stages of grief on their road to recovery. Grieving takes time, and people grieve at their own pace. Grieving is also an internal process during which the person suffering needs to first attend to themselves and their own needs. That will leave little time and mental space for you. 

The relationship moves too fast at first.

Grieving is painful and can feel unpleasant. To fast-track the grieving process, some people start dating before being ready, believing, usually erroneously, it will help them get over their ex quicker. These are the people who are prime candidates for getting into a rebound relationship. Rebound relationships rarely work out, especially for the person the brokenhearted rebounds with.

One of the most challenging parts of coming to terms with a breakup is losing the emotional depth a long-term relationship brings. The transition from having the opportunity to share your deepest feelings with someone who knows you better than anyone else to going back to asking someone where they're from and what their hobbies are can be jarring, if not frustrating.

A person who recently went through a breakup may want to simply cut to the chase and recapture that intimacy with someone new. They often do this by acting overly intimate and affectionate too soon. But here's the catch: there are no shortcuts when forming a relationship, and the rebounder will eventually realize you're not their ex and that it takes time to build the emotional depth they're seeking.

The relationship slows down as quickly as it started.

As the person you're dating realizes they cannot immediately recreate a long-term relationship and that you're not the same person as their ex, they typically pull away. Where, during the beginning, they showered you with love and praise, they're now putting up walls and creating distance.

Them doing an about-face can give you emotional whiplash and cause you to crave their attention even more. The push-pull can give rise to feelings of insecurity, never a sign of a healthy relationship.

Their ex is regularly a topic of conversation.

It's one thing for the person you're dating to mention their ex occasionally. For instance, if they're relevant to a story or something you were talking about or children are involved, it would make sense to hear the ex's name. But, if you find they bring their ex up all the time, or worse, they compare you to them, you should consider the possibility there's residual feeling there.

That goes for hatred, too. Hearing a love interest refer to their ex over and over again with contempt should alarm you as much as if they were continually reminiscing about the good old days. Remember, the opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference.

They take no responsibility for the breakup.

When asking what caused the breakup, what's the answer? If the person you're dating says they both played a part, they've probably spent some time thinking about what went wrong and what their contribution was. This is a good sign they're ready to move on. On the other hand, if they blame the breakup solely on their ex, then most likely they're not.

Breakups, including those blamed on infidelity, for example, involve other factors besides the act of cheating itself. Once couples dig a little deeper, there are often specific reasons why one person in the marriage strayed. Sometimes both partners stray. Regardless, each person played a role in creating the atmosphere in the marriage.

The same holds for the myriad of other reasons why couples part, such as money, incompatibility, and the existence of a sexless marriage. If one person can't see how they contributed to the breakup, they're probably not mentally free of it.

What's your gut feeling?

Ultimately, you should trust your gut when deciding whether the person you're dating is over their last relationship. If you believe they're living in the past, they probably are. Which means it's time for you to move on, regardless if they do.

What Should I Do if My Partner Body Shames Me?

Covid-19 has been a lifestyle-changer in many ways, causing people to gain what's colloquially now known as the Covid 19, a take on the Freshman 15 experienced by many entering college students. In a recent survey of 3,000 people conducted by the American Psychological Association, 61 percent of respondents said they had gained weight as a result of the pandemic.  

It's not surprising. To keep ourselves and our families safe, we retreated to our homes for work and school. Social events became limited to the household and, later, small groups. We cooked more and also ate more. We went for lots of walks. However, it wasn't always enough, and many couples soon found themselves facing a partner who looked different from just a year or so earlier.  

For some couples, weight gain has become a source of tension. When combined with the "relationship weight" couples often gain during their first few years together, these weight-conscious individuals are finding they're no longer as attracted to their partner the way they were, a difficult realization to have about the person you love and may believe is your forever. 

On another note, couples who, pre-pandemic, enjoyed a shared interest in certain physical activities, such as hiking or running, are now coming to terms with a partner who, because of weight gain, is unable to keep up. This, too, is creating distance in relationships where none existed before. 

Weight is a delicate topic to raise, particularly with the person you love. It's both difficult to say something about someone else's weight, as well as to be the one hearing it. So, the first question you have to ask yourself when your partner brings up your weight is: How are they approaching the topic? 

Conversations about weight should bolster self-esteem, not destroy it. 

No matter your size, your partner should bolster your self-esteem and make you feel beautiful. If they're disparaging your appearance and belittling you, it likely follows that other aspects of your relationship are fundamentally flawed.  

If your partner is criticizing the way you look, their insults are usually not just tied to your weight. Their criticisms could be linked to anything from their lack of self-esteem (including their own weight gain), a porn addiction causing them to have unrealistic expectations about the way people who aren't porn stars look, and good old-fashioned shallowness.  

Regardless of the reason, your partner shouldn't put you down. If the manner in which your partner brings up your weight makes you feel insecure or bad, communicate this to them. Remind them that insults aren't often an effective technique for inciting positive change. Neither is nagging. It usually has the opposite effect, and if they continue, it will likely result in you becoming less attracted to them.  

A partner who loves you for you should never want to make you feel bad. So pay attention to your partner's responses during your conversation. 

Consider the truth in your partner's words. 

If your partner is mentioning your weight out of concern, meaning you interpret from their remarks that they care in earnest about your health and not how they look with you on their arm and that they want you to feel your best for your sake, then consider the truth in their words. Keep in mind it's difficult to stand idly by as someone you care about neglects their health. 

That said, I understand how hearing from someone else that you've gained weight, especially if it's the person who's supposed to love you unconditionally, can hurt. However, sometimes it takes another person to give us the wake-up call we need.    

What should you tell your partner if you're happy with your weight and are not interested in dieting? 

Of course, the motivation to lose weight has to come from you. Losing weight because someone else wants you to will probably not work, at least in the long term. Not to mention, over time, it may cause you to resent the person suggesting you diet.  

So, if you're not looking to lose weight and are satisfied with your body at its current size, communicate that to your partner. One point I must make, though, is that if you don't lose weight and your partner has voiced their concerns because they're no longer attracted to you due to the weight you've gained, your relationship could be in jeopardy.  

The question to ask yourself next is whether you care. You always have the option to find someone who will love you the way you are. They, too, have the option to find someone that they're attracted to. Love is a two-way street. Therefore, at this point, you need to make a decision.   

Lean on your partner for support in your weight loss and lifestyle journey.  

If you do have the will to lose weight, implement specific lifestyle changes to improve your overall health rather than couching your intended transformation as about weight loss alone. After all, there are many different ways to lose weight, not all of them healthy.  

In addition, consider asking your partner to join you on your lifestyle journey. That way, you can lean on them for support, and they can lean on you if they want to make any changes, too.  

You can also make them accountable for their behavior and how it could affect your weight loss goals. In a relationship, many couples don't realize how the habits of one partner can impact the other.  

So if, for example, your partner likes to eat dinner on the late side, suggest you both eat earlier or eat that meal independently. Rather than ordering takeout, cook healthy meals at home. Swap out lazy nights on the couch for going for power walks or a run side by side. Go to sleep earlier. 

By implementing lifestyle changes together, you each become responsible for yourself and for the person you love. Accountability has the wonderful effect of causing couples to become laser-focused on being better partners. When that happens, the pounds will eventually disappear. Even better, so will the tension.  

How Will I Know If I've Found the One?

So you've found a match, gone on several dates, have had the talk of becoming exclusive, and now you are soundly in a relationship. The next question you find yourself asking is, "Are they the One?" It's certainly a loaded question, as there's much debate about whether there is only One during a lifetime.

Given that I counsel women and men who are at mid-life, after they've gone through life changes that include divorce, becoming a widow or widower, and ending a long-term partnership, I've heard various idealizations of the One. Many people come to me believing that a singular individual exists somewhere in the world who's their soulmate.

While I think this notion can be romantic, I also believe it can be constricting and misleading because clients may write off potential matches due to imperfections, conflating their overlooking some of these faults with settling for less than perfect.

In any practical respect, a relationship will never fit perfectly. For that reason, you shouldn't look to date someone who's the same in every area as you. Everyone is different, and part of being in a relationship is loving and accepting the differences between you and your partner. There will always be a few deal-breakers, but not every difference should be one.

Both partners must also possess the will to cater to each other's needs and wishes to form a healthy, long-term relationship, a relationship in which each individual can envision spending the foreseeable future with the other. Notice I said foreseeable. Forever is a long time and may feel like too much pressure for some.

Another consequence of a singular notion of the One: if a relationship ends, the heartbreak will feel particularly catastrophic. If you believe your ex is the One and only, you may feel as though you'll never be complete again, which I have found to be untrue.

I specialize in matchmaking for individuals over the age of 50, and what my clients have shown me is that it's never too late to find love — and fall in love — again. So, how will you know if you've found your next One?

You make each other feel happy and secure.

The first question to ask yourself about a relationship is: Are you happy? If the answer is yes, that's a good sign. If not, then you need to ask yourself if there's something you can do to repair the relationship to make yourself happy or if you need to scrap it altogether. Relationships take work, even with the One.

The difference is that, with the One, you're happy to put that work in. You keep doing the little things, such as asking about each other's day, making time to see each other, and reaffirming your love for each other, as well as the big things, like standing by your partner if they become sick or lose their job because you want to.

When you're in a relationship with the One, there's no question of whether you love each other. You can tell by their actions that your partner cares deeply for you, and you feel secure that your partner won't disappear on you when times get tough. You feel the same way about them.

You love and respect each other's differences.

In the infatuation period of a new relationship, you may put your partner on a pedestal. But, as time goes on and you get to know your partner better, the infatuation will wear off. It's then you'll need to assess what's left.

As you get close to your partner and understand all of their quirks and flaws and realize they're not perfect, do you accept them for who they are? When your partner is the One, you tolerate their faults and respect the differences between you. You love them, not the idea of them.

You care about each other's lives.

When you love someone, you want to know what's going on in their lives outside of your relationship. This may translate to you taking an interest in your partner's professional life or wanting to get to know their friends and family.

You also keep in regular contact and are sure to ask about what's going on in their lives. However, it also means they demonstrate a similar interest in you, suggesting they do more than send the occasional text wishing you to have a good day.

You can lean on each other for support.

While it's good to have fun in a relationship, relationships are more than just for going out to dinner and on cute day trips because the truth is you can have fun with just about anyone. What makes a relationship special is the bond you form with your partner. You go from one person (I/me) to a team (we/us).

You and your partner will inevitably face hard times during your relationship. When you're the person going through a rough time, you can depend on the One to support you. But, it's worth repeating that relationships are a two-way street: when your partner is going through a rough time, they'll expect to depend on you for support, too.

Some people may shut down from the world (and you) during times of adversity, which presents a foundational conflict because, when you're in a relationship with the One, you're a team: your problems are their problems, and their problems are your problems. If you can't be vulnerable and help each other through conflicts in your relationship, what's the point?

You have similar long-term goals.

The One should be your partner for the long haul, indicating you're compatible in the present and future. Consider the following scenario. 

You and your partner both live in the same city now. But you know you want to settle down and have children in a few years. However, your partner wants to travel the world and get married much later in life and perhaps not have children at all. While everything is good now, the difference in long-term goals could doom the relationship.

For your partner to be the One, you should have similar plans for your future, even if that future is retirement. Can you plan for the rest of your life with your current partner?

You're their One, too.

I believe this is the most important item on this list. Your partner may be your One, but are you theirs? Meaning, do they love and cherish you just as much as you do them? Are they excited by the prospect of being with you for a long time? Or are they lukewarm to you, passing the time in the relationship until their One comes along?

Unrequited love is painful, and people in an emotionally unbalanced relationship may stay in denial for a long time. But that hurts both partners, with neither of them getting what they want and need from the relationship. Therefore, you must ask yourself if you're willing to settle for what often amounts to breadcrumbs, those bite-sized pieces of love, which, of course, aren't love because we don't love each other piecemeal.

When you're with the One, you don't need to question if you're their One because they demonstrate to you every day how they appreciate and love you. All of you.

Faith or Fear? The Dating Choice All Singles Must Make

“I don’t think I’m cut out to be in a relationship. No matter what I do, it never works out,” she said before taking a sip of her wine. Then, shaking her head, “I can’t keep doing this. I just think I’m one of those people who’s meant to be alone. I need to accept that.”

Sam said the words with conviction. However, the look on her face told a far different story. After feigning happiness in a marriage that had been deteriorating for years, a drawn-out divorce that eventually followed and which should’ve been resolved a lot sooner had she used a different lawyer, and dealing with teenage drama over the years since with her kids as a result of her split with their father, Sam had had enough. She wanted to be with someone who’d appreciate her and who she felt attracted to and liked.

So far, no man had come close, and the few false starts and stops with men she thought were right had taken their toll. “I’m afraid of being let down again,” Sam confided. “After investing so much time into someone and then not having it work out, well, that’s why people get dogs.” She laughed.

I didn’t. This was no laughing matter. Sure, a dog was a safer bet. But I already knew enough about Sam to know a dog wouldn’t be the addition to her life she really wanted. I’d known Sam for a long time. A friend of a friend, we’d met a few times at parties and gotten to talking. She was great, and I wanted to help her. But first, she had to let me, and that was going to be the trickiest part since she had lost hope somewhere along the way.

Hopelessness is an undesirable feeling to have, so when we experience it, myself included, the usual inclination is to take away the pain feeling hopeless causes as fast as we can. The way we do this is to avoid the things or people who could cause us pain instead of facing the reasons why we’re behaving as we are.

For Sam, her fear was of getting close to someone and then having her heart broken by them. Her heart had already been broken when her marriage ended, and even though she had gone out on lots of dates since becoming single, she feared it happening again. The answer for her was to find fault with everyone who crossed her path. Of course, perception is reality. It was the reason why she believed there was no one out there for her.

This is a common sentiment among singles, especially at middle age, after having lived enough years to face a divorce, death of a spouse, multiple breakups, rejection, job losses, failed businesses, or any other disruption. The losses are tangible, and they hurt.

But what we don’t necessarily realize is that we hang onto those losses because they hurt. The hurt is our protection. We’re afraid of being hurt again, and past hurts are what keep others away. Past hurt is what also keeps us from facing the person staring back at us in the bathroom mirror each morning, the person with a few more wrinkles than the last time we looked, graying hair, and a body we no longer recognize.

That image, too, is perception, not reality. True, the scale doesn’t lie, and neither does the colorist at the hair salon who covers the grey. As for our brains? They can be pathological liars if we allow them to be, causing us to reflect negatively about why we are where we are in life: Why have things turned out this way? Where did we go wrong? What could we have done differently?

The answer is maybe nothing. Or maybe everything. But, really, what does it matter now?

Instead, ask yourself these questions: Is it possible I was meant to be exactly where I am right now, and do I really think there’s not something larger at work here, whether God or the universe, which helped bring me to this point?

If you answered yes to either of these questions or, at a minimum, they caused you to think, then you’ve tapped into what we commonly call faith. Faith is the understanding that we’re not alone and, because of that, faith can be the strongest support system we know. In dating, that can come in handy because, let’s face it, dating is a game of chance in which there’s always a risk of getting hurt.

But what dating also is is a game of chances, opportunities to open another door when the one behind it closes. But to have these chances, you have first to take a chance, which requires a leap of faith. Look before you do, but do leap. The faith you have in something larger than yourself and, because of that, in yourself will catch you should you fall. And lift you up, so you don’t.

7 Things You Need To Know About Dating Divorced Dads

When looking for a match, it will only be a matter of time before you stumble on a divorced dad, if you haven't already. You read his profile, and it seems like you would get along well. Then you realize he has kids. So you ask yourself: Should I give him a chance? Based on what you've heard about single dads, you think he may already have a lot on his plate.  

Your assessment is likely correct. However, I would still advise you to give divorced dads a chance because it's important to judge everyone individually. But before you leap without looking, you should understand divorced dads are different from other single men, including divorced men without kids. As a result, dating a divorced dad can come with certain, let's just call them, environmental conditions, which may or may not be right for you.  

Depending on your dating objectives, the differences which set divorced dads apart could lead you to the guy you've been looking for for so long. Here's what you need to know. 

1. His children will come first. 

Before discussing anything else related to dating divorced dads, it's critical to understand that if he's a good parent, he will almost certainly put the needs of his children before the needs of any person he starts seeing. In a relationship with a man without children, including divorced men, you may be used to him seeing you as a priority. 

For your relationship to work, though, you need to be OK with him choosing his children over you sometimes, if not most of the time. And it's completely OK for you not to be OK with that. But if that's the case, I would advise you to spare yourself the heartache and not date a divorced dad. Not for nothing, if the divorced dad you're seeing isn't putting his children's needs first, you can consider that a red flag, as you should want to see a potential partner who's also a parent prioritize their children's needs. 

2. He may not be divorced. 

This tip is one that many women take for granted but is highly important nonetheless. People who are separated are not legally divorced. So while the relationship may be over emotionally, the marriage isn't. Even so, many people start dating again. 

In general, dating a separated man can be risky. At any time, he can decide to give his marriage another chance. He also may not have finalized his divorce because there are still unresolved conflicts between him and his future ex-spouse, particularly when there are children involved, which he can find consuming. Consequently, a divorced dad may not be emotionally ready for a relationship in the way you hope him to be and is rebounding from his marriage. Ultimately, I would advise people dating a separated man to tread with caution and evaluate the circumstances surrounding his separation on a case-by-case basis. 

3. How his marriage ended can be telling. 

Not usually a first-date conversation, nor do I recommend it to be one, but for divorced dads, the reason for their divorce is an inevitable conversation you may have relatively early on. When you do, listen to the way he talks about the collapse of his marriage.  

What caused him to divorce? If, for instance, he cheated, you may want to ask yourself if you believe he would cheat again in the future, possibly on you. Does he solely blame his ex, or does he take accountability? Has he learned from his divorce? The answer to each of these questions can affect your decision to continue dating. 

4. His relationship with his ex-wife can say a lot about him. 

Then, of course, there's a divorce dad's ex-wife. She's the mother of his children, so she will always be a part of his life. If you date a divorced dad, you need to get used to that. Not to mention, the way he interacts with his ex can also impact your relationship. Do they have a healthy relationship, or are they fighting all the time, causing him — and you — stress? 

Some men are known to complain about their "crazy" ex-wife, who very well may be crazy. However, it's also possible he's hurt emotionally, so he bad-mouths her regularly to compensate. You should be wary of this behavior, as he might not be over his ex quite yet.  

On the other end of the spectrum are divorced dads who are too friendly with their ex. Ideally, their relationship should be amicable. It should be cordial with boundaries, not too antagonistic, but not too friendly either. Parents should co-parent together for the benefit of the children. If the relationship the divorced dad you're dating has with his ex crosses boundaries to a point you feel uncomfortable, you may want to examine why and ask yourself whether this person is right for you.  

5. He may still be recovering from his marriage. 

Divorce is more than an ordinary breakup; it's a legal and financial dissolution. As a result, divorce is mentally taxing and can leave some men carrying a lot of emotional baggage for a long time afterward. For your relationship to work, you need to be understanding of this.  

Because marriage is such a multi-faceted relationship, a divorced dad may not be on the same relationship timeline as you. He may want to take things slower, especially if he needs to adjust to single parenting while making sure his children are OK. After a long marriage and subsequent divorce, particularly if it was a nasty one, it can take time to trust someone new.  

6. Forcing the relationship could scare him away. 

When kids are involved, you may feel tempted to push your relationship with a divorced dad forward by asking to meet his kids early on or accepting a premature invitation from him to meet them. This can be a mistake, especially if the relationship is still new. Meeting kids can make a relationship feel more serious than it is and, as a consequence, cause him to get cold feet.    

It can also put stress on your relationship if the kids are not particularly thrilled with the idea of meeting you. There are many reasons why children may not like their dad's new love interest. First and foremost, you're not their mother.  

Kids may also become jealous that someone is dividing their father's attention. Pressure from kids can cause a divorced dad to rethink his relationship choices. Better to establish your relationship with a divorced dad first before bringing in the troops.  

7. He will respond well if you're patient with him. 

Dating a divorced dad will test your patience. He may need to reschedule dates when something comes up with his children. His time and bandwidth may also be limited as he tries to balance work, family, an ex, finances, and now you.  

But if you're up to the task, you may find that the divorced dad you're dating and the life that comes with him is right for you. And that you couldn't imagine living your life without him in it.  

Why Men Use Such Horrible Photos in Their Online Dating Profiles, and What Women Want To See Instead

After devoting lots of time and effort to crafting the perfect online dating profile, it's finally time to sift through the myriad of men's online dating profiles to find a match. But, if you're like a lot of women, once you start the process, you probably come across more than your fair share of less than appealing profile pictures, causing you to wonder why a guy would ever post such unappealing photos of themselves.  

At that point, you may even jump ship until the next time when you summon the strength to try again. Though most guys don't realize it, there are a few reasons why men use such horrible photos in their online dating profiles, which even they may not be aware of.  

If you've ever been close with a man — a romantic partner, a family member, or a platonic friend — you may have observed how a lot of men don't like to take pictures. At least, they don't like to be in pictures. They rarely, if ever, ask to take photos, so on special occasions, such as vacations or when you're both all dressed up, you're often the one to make the dreaded request. And even then, the man may only begrudgingly oblige, offering a half-smile. 

So, what photos does that leave men with when putting together an online dating profile? Not many, which is why so many men wind up with the notorious "Where's Waldo" giant group photos in which the viewer can't figure out who's who, pictures of them dressed up with their ex cut out of the photo, and other images they took years earlier. Worse still, men may not even include pictures of themselves and, instead, resort to vacation landscapes and photos of their pet because those are pictures they do have.  

Astute men may realize they need more photos, so what do they do next? Because they can't be bothered to put the time into an informal photoshoot to get high-quality pictures, they take multiple selfies. That would explain the many men who include photos of themselves in luxury sports cars that may or may not belong to them, pictures of them wearing sunglasses, and, most offensive of all, the shirtless bathroom selfies women love to swipe left on. 

What, then, can men do to fix the problem of them not having any good pictures to include in their online dating profiles? The answer is deceptively simple, and they most likely won't like it: take better photos (which may mean taking more). Here's how, because, guess what, women want to see you. 

Toss the low-quality photos. 

Think about online dating this way: When women scroll through men's online dating profiles, they're essentially catalog or online shopping. You wouldn't expect a woman to purchase a dress she can't see, so why would you expect her to swipe right on someone who could potentially become a romantic partner?  

If women can't tell from your picture that it's you — you in the crowd, you within recent months, you without a blurry face, or you standing in good lighting — they will move onto the next profile without a thought. What, then, is the point of you putting up an online dating profile to begin with? 

Avoid hats and sunglasses. 

If your photos obstruct your face, whether because you're wearing sunglasses or a baseball cap, perhaps to hide the fact you're balding, don't include them. Potential matches need to see what you look like because, let's be honest, physical appearance is often the first connection people make, especially when using online dating platforms.  

Like men, women are busy and don't want to risk showing up to a date only to find that you look completely different. She'll swipe left instead. Besides, in case you haven't gotten the memo, bald is sexy. So are your eyes. 

Don't reveal too much skin. 

Contrary to what many men think, too much skin isn't sexy. Women don't tend to like veiny, self-indulgent gym selfies and usually detest shirtless bathroom selfies. Aside from bathroom selfies usually being unflattering due to poor lighting, do you really need a woman thinking you just snapped this after doing your business and before washing your hands? 

Leave something to the imagination. If a woman is so inclined, let her imagine where you go to the bathroom instead of you including it in your profile. 

Use recent photos. 

Because men tend to have the problem of not having many pictures of themselves, they often opt to use older photos. Some notable examples are pictures with their ex clearly cropped out or them still wearing their wedding band. The latter, of course, could also be an error on the man's part, but I digress.  

Especially given the pandemic over the past year, some men may not feel comfortable with their appearance, so they choose older shots in which they think they look better. Whatever the reason, showing up to a date looking years older is a no-no. You run the risk of appearing like a liar, and no woman wants to date that.  

The idea is to attract women who will want to date you, so ditch the false advertising. It wastes their time and yours.  

Diversify your profile. 

Men tend to include too many of the same type of photo in their online dating profiles. For example, they use numerous group photos or too many selfies. This behavior, likewise, is unappealing for a potential match because the dating profile doesn't say much.  

Instead, include a variety of photos, such as photos of you doing activities you enjoy. This way, you tell a story from which potential matches can learn more about you. 

Final thoughts. 

Sorry, guys, but the answer to finding better matches is to put more effort into your online dating profile from the start. It means taking the time to look nice, which women are more than happy to do when they decide to meet you.  

Most importantly, your photos should be authentic to who you are and how you live your life. Pictures tell a story. When it comes to online dating, that story should be true. 

Should Women Make the First Move in Online Dating?

When using online dating platforms, do you ever get the feeling you're swiping and getting matches, but the men you match with never bother to message you?

If this sounds relatable, you've already likely asked yourself whether, as a woman, you should ever message men first to get the ball rolling. If you're like me and had a traditional upbringing, you might hear your parents' voices in your head, saying, "No, let him pursue you!"

Back in my parents' day, that might've been the case. But, thanks to Bumble, a dating app designed so women must message men first to start a conversation, times have changed. And men say it's a welcome change.

According to a survey conducted by Bumble, 63 percent of men joined the dating app because they were attracted to the idea of women messaging first. Ninety-seven percent of women on Bumble messaged their matches first within the last month, which means women are doing more than just window shopping.

If this vote of confidence isn't enough, the nonprofit organization AARP ranks Bumble as one of the top dating sites for women over 50. The creator of Bumble must be onto something.

But does the same logic apply to other sites, like Match, OkCupid, and JDate, where women don't have to make the first move? 

The short answer is yes. But there should be balance. In my experience, you need to be careful about how you go about messaging a guy first and what you do after, especially if you're over 50.

With younger demographics, ideas about courting or who pays on dates are more fluid. For women over 50, who are likewise looking to date men over 50, tradition often takes deeper root. That includes who's typically deemed the pursuer (men) and the one pursued (women).

If you're at all concerned about maintaining these expectations but want to take the lead, at least initially, to express your interest, there's a way to do it without sounding too aggressive.  

And that's to send a first message that's friendly but short. 

I tell my women clients while it's great to send the first message, that message should be friendly and short. It should also reference something specific in the guy's online dating profile. That will show him not only that you read his profile but that you found it (and him) interesting, too. Here are a few examples of what to write:

 ●      Hi! I see you just visited Costa Rica last summer for the first time. I was just there, too. Are you interested in comparing notes?

 ●      Hey there. I'm a big fan of Cuban food like you and have a fantastic recipe I could share. Let me know, and I'd be happy to send it your way.

 ●      Hello! Your yellow lab is adorable! I'm a dog lover myself and training my new puppy. Any tips?

Then, if he doesn't answer, I say move along and don't look back. The reason he didn't answer you doesn't matter, except to tell you he's not the one for you. At least not now. Lucky for you, you've got no time to wait around.

If you don't believe me that it's a waste of time to think about the reasons why a guy didn't message you first or respond when you reached out to him, let me tell you why he might not have answered. And you can be the judge of whether you should spend another moment thinking about it or him.

If you message a guy first, prepare yourself not to get the response you want — or any response.

There are various reasons a man may not message first, or at least not quickly in the online dating world. These include a man matching to see who (or how many women) he could match with or a man interested enough to match but not enough to reach out. Maybe someone else caught his attention, or he doesn't check their dating profile often. Perhaps, he's "just not that into you," as Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo suggest in their eponymous best-selling book.

The point? I have two. First, if you make the first move, prepare yourself to be OK with whatever the response is, including no response. Second, none of these reasons are any you can control, nor do they likely have anything to do with your messaging first.

If done right, messaging first shouldn't be enough to stop the chase.

Many men love the chase. They see a woman they're interested in and will stop at nothing until she's his. Some might believe that a woman messaging first can take away a man's urge to chase and that a woman's already communicating she's into a guy by sending the first message.

However, by that logic, a woman just matching with a man would send a similar message because she has to express interest in order to match. I think it's silly. That's why I say if you want to reach out first, go for it. But only once.

Don't follow up. Don't chase. If a man believes you're chasing him, he might think getting you will be easy, too, and string you along until he finds someone he considers more of a challenge. Messaging first is fine, but after that, give a guy a chance to win you.

Early on, a man should be trying to get a date with you, not the other way around. So, if you message a guy first, let him start the conversation the next time. If you pique his interest, he'll show it. He'll show you he's interested by messaging you again, and after several emails, texts, and a phone call, by asking you on an actual date. That should be his job, not yours.

A few final words...

It's important not to come on too strong when messaging a guy first. Allow him to show you he wants to get to know you better and mean it.

Encourage him by responding positively to his advances, but also leave him feeling curious. If a guy is genuinely interested in you, he'll come back to learn more.

After 30 years in the business as a modern-day matchmaker and dating consultant, I know sometimes a guy might need a little push to get him to look at you, and a quick first message can do precisely that. Just don't push too hard because that same guy will want to look at anyone but you. And you deserve a guy who sees you for all you are.

Why Does My Boyfriend Take Me To the Same Places He Took His Ex?

A client recently came to me visibly shaken after discovering her boyfriend had taken her to a few places he had visited with an ex, including a vacation spot. I patiently listened as she explained her discovery and how it made her feel, which was sad. She believed her boyfriend must have been thinking of his ex when he was there with her.   

I told my client that was likely not the case, especially since the relationship she shared with her boyfriend was a good one and going strong. I told her she had a few things to learn about men, and the fact her boyfriend took her to these places was either because he liked her or it meant nothing at all.  

If your boyfriend has done this to you, not to worry. Here’s why. 

He’s a creature of habit.  

People, including men, are often creatures of habit. They like to go to the same restaurants, the same bars, the same beaches, and the same shopping establishments over and over again. Why? Not because they were thinking about the last time they were there and who they were there with, but the exact opposite. They don’t want to have to think about what they’re doing.  

The point is, unless you have evidence pointing to anything illicit, your boyfriend’s choice of venue may literally mean nothing other than convenience for him. If that bothers you, too, well, stay tuned. I have something to say about that, too.  

He personally likes these places. 

Let’s also not forget the obvious, which is people, and yes, guys as well, go to the same places repeatedly because they like them. Your boyfriend may like the atmosphere, view, or food at that particular restaurant, the shoreline at that beach, the jewelry at that store, etc.  

He goes back because he appreciates what these establishments have to offer and would frequent them whether you were there or not. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t enjoy going to these places more with you than by himself or with someone else; he probably does — in the present — which brings me to this.    

He’s living in the moment. 

Not everyone who has an ex is pining for them. An ex is an ex for a reason. There are many people, and yes, you guessed it, men, who can live in the moment. That means they’re able to enjoy what and who is right in front of them. 

It shouldn’t take you long to figure out if the guy you’re dating is over their ex. He will do a lot more than bring you to places he went with her. He will be in contact with her, bring her up in conversation often, and have mementos from her lying around. There are more clues, but perhaps the biggest one is the feeling you have in your gut. Do you have that feeling?  

He wants you to experience and love these places as much as he does. 

When someone cares about you, and they have a location or food they absolutely love, they want you to enjoy it, too.  

I have a client who told me a story about how whenever her boyfriend took her to one of his favorite restaurants, and, as a foodie, there were many, he would always urge her to get a specific dish he knew was unbelievable or a special that sounded great because he wanted her to have the ultimate experience there. He would always offer her a taste of what he was eating, too. Once, he even offered to switch plates with her because his initial choice turned out to be the better of the two.  

Even though he had obviously been to many of these establishments before, presumably with another date or an ex, he wanted her to share in an experience he had always found enjoyable. Can and should you really fault him for that?  

He wants to make new memories. 

Your boyfriend may very well have experienced some of the places he’s taking you now with his ex first. And yes, that can hurt because you want your relationship and the things you do in it to be just about the two of you. But that doesn’t mean his heart isn’t in the right place. 

It’s impossible to have a clean slate, especially when you’re dating at middle age and beyond, and, even more so, if you’ve lived in the same area for years and been around the block a few too many times to count, quite literally. If you stop to think about it for a moment, you likely have memories with exes, too, which you cannot erase.  

What your boyfriend is probably doing when he takes you to places he’s been before with someone else is looking to make new memories — with you. So, I ask: where would you rather be, in your boyfriend’s past, or in his present and future?  

Are you smiling?

States across the U.S. have lifted or are about to lift their mask mandates. But not everyone's smiling about it. As a recent article from NBC tells it, many people are finding they've become attached to their masks, and for more reasons than only fear of catching Covid. Those reasons include enjoying a makeup-free existence, protection from other illnesses such as cold or flu, and the ability to hide emotions, ranging from contempt to a forced smile.  

Though the reasons people cite in the article for holding onto their masks differ, the effect can be the same: masks can contribute to keeping us isolated from each other. For singles, that can make meeting a romantic interest in more organic ways, including at the grocery store, on the train, and at the mall, for example, problematic. It can also become an excuse for why some singles say they've stopped searching for a person they'd like to date; according to them, everything they do appears to be in vain.  

But maybe it's a fear of being vulnerable, not to Covid but heartbreak, that's holding some people back. Others may simply have become set in their ways as a result of pandemic life. However, isolation is not our natural state. Humans, by nature, are social creatures.   

For the past 15 months or so, we've lived without the luxury of sharing a passing glance, an eye roll, and, of course, a smile. We've lived without the pressure of having to be "on" in front of other people — a stranger, a person we've recently met, or a good friend or relative.  

Our masks, apart from protecting us from Covid, saved us from having our feelings hurt. They kept us from feeling ignored or rejected. That brought a sense of relief for many of us because it's never fun to have others treat us as if we don't matter.  

At the same time, the masks that protected us also deprived us of the high we feel whenever we make a connection. More than any other facial expression, those connections start with a smile. And smiling is good for us.  

According to one study from the University of Kansas, smiling helps to relieve stress. Smiling has also been linked to lower blood pressure and a longer life span. Smiling likewise makes the people around you feel better, putting others besides yourself at ease. 

 But, by far, the best part about smiling is that smiles are contagious. And after the experience we just had, those are something we should be happy to spread around. 

I’m Still Stuck on My Ex. How Can I Get Over My Last Breakup?

You’ve probably heard the expression “time heals all wounds,” but in the case of a breakup, it can sometimes feel as though your ex is on your mind as much or even more since your relationship ended. You might think enough time has passed that you should be over your ex, but yet you’re still not. If your ex has already moved on, it can sting even more.

I’m not here to deny that moving on from a relationship can be challenging, particularly if you weren’t the one to call it quits or if the breakup was messy. As a matchmaker and dating consultant for more than three decades, I’ve seen and heard it all. What I can tell you is that, like any other life change, coping with and then getting over a breakup requires introspection and participation to recover.

In other words, there are steps you can take to actively help yourself move past your grief and get over your ex. Below are five ways I recommend to facilitate the healing process.

1. Ask yourself why you’re still heartbroken.

If you’ve been upset about your breakup for as long as you’ve been, ask yourself the following question: Why am I still so upset?

Was it something you or your ex did that incited the breakup? Was it a mistake you and or your ex made during your relationship? Was there trauma involved? Are you upset because you’re no longer in a relationship — any relationship, that is?

Looking for the source of your feelings can put you on a path of introspection, eventually resulting in personal growth and emotional maturity. The idea is the hurt from your breakup will begin to resolve itself once you identify and, next, address it, and you’ll be better equipped to move forward with your life. That can include starting a new relationship once you’re ready.

2. Spend time with friends and family.

When grieving the end of a relationship, it may feel instinctive to lock yourself in a dark room and cry all day long, reminiscing about your greatest moments as a couple. While it’s OK to take some time to release your emotions, at some point, you need to venture outside and live your life.

That can include spending time with friends and family. Catching up with people you care about and who care about you can serve as a healthy distraction from your breakup. Socializing with those you know and like can get out of your own head and stop you from ruminating about your breakup.

I will warn you that grief won’t disappear with the snap of your fingers. But with practice, you can learn how to live with it, including how to manage the way it affects your day-to-day existence.

3. Cultivate new hobbies and interests.

When you give yourself nothing else to think about, your mind will naturally overthink, prolonging the pain of your breakup. That’s why it’s so important during a breakup to take deliberate steps to focus on something positive, such as a new hobby. And, before you ask, no, surfing through Spotify to find songs to add to your heartbreak playlist does not count as a hobby.

While you should be careful not to use a hobby as a distraction to avoid dealing with your pain, a hobby can become one of many reasons to get out of bed each morning. A new hobby or a return to an old one can help you establish an identity that goes well beyond being one-half of a couple.

4. Recognize your breakup was probably for the best.

While you’re going through a breakup, the statement “it was for the best” can feel offensive, if not altogether untrue. However, the pain you’re experiencing as a result of your breakup doesn’t have to be in vain. If you harness it, it can become the catalyst for growth as you learn more about yourself and your priorities in a relationship — and in life.

Your goal should be to emerge from your breakup with a deeper understanding of yourself. If you do the work, you’ll most likely find that you would not be who you are now had you stayed in the relationship. You would also not be who you are today had you never been in the relationship. Both make you YOU. Changing your perspective is critical.

5. Start dating again.

You’ve probably heard the (crass) saying that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. While I will not recommend a rebound relationship, eventually, there comes a time after a breakup when it makes sense for you to get back “out there.” 

It might hurt. Your first date after a breakup can feel strange, unfamiliar, and lonely. But as you continue dating, someone special will eventually capture your attention and you theirs.

Instead of feeling upset over the loss of your last relationship, you’ll suddenly feel excited to get to know the person you’ve begun to date. And that ex of yours will no longer be the person who broke your heart but, rather, the person who led you to open your heart to someone new. 

The Rise of the Gray Divorce, and Why Bill and Melinda Won’t Be the Only Older Americans You’ll See Dating Online

The divorce rate for older Americans has been rising at an unprecedented rate. According to a 2017 study released by Pew Research, the divorce rate for Americans age 50 and older doubled since the 1990s, from five percent in 1990 to 10 percent in 2015. Nicknamed "gray divorces," this type of divorce has made headlines recently, given the announcement last week from Bill and Melinda Gates that they're divorcing. With so many singles over 50, it's not surprising this demographic has turned to online dating and modern-day matchmakers to meet matches. 

As a dating strategist and consultant who specializes in connecting people over the age of 50 and utilizes my exclusive database in coordination with online dating websites to cull for my clients the best possible matches, I know gray divorces leave many scratching their heads. People come to me time and time again and ask: Why divorce now after so many years spent married? In my line of work, it's a question I've long since become familiar with and can provide answers that make sense. 

It's not only first marriages, where the couple married young and stayed together for decades, that are ending either. Many gray divorces are actually second, third, or fourth marriages. In fact, the gray divorce rate for second marriages is twice as high as that for first marriages. Regardless of what number marriage it is, here are the most popular reasons why "older" Americans, those in their golden, ahem, gray years, are getting divorced.  

The Empty Nest 

It's not uncommon for couples experiencing serious marital problems to stay together for the kids. However, what happens is that once the children leave the family home, these couples can't bear to live with each other without child-rearing to distract them. So they seek out the divorce they've long since wished for, believing, and rightly so, the kids will be alright.   

In less drastic situations, where there weren't obvious relationship issues, a couple may have enjoyed being married while the children were still living in the family home. But now that the children have left, and the couple must adjust to a new routine without them, one or both spouses may find that they've evolved into different people over the years. Though they don't despise their spouse, they do want to steer their lives in a new direction — without that person by their side. No hard feelings, right? 

Retirement 

For most people's adult lives, at least one spouse regularly goes to work each day, a routine that can last for decades. While a person may miss their spouse while they're at work, the increased exposure to one other offered by retirement creates ample opportunities to, well, grind on each other's nerves. 

Without work, hobbies, and other interests to provide privacy and some much-appreciated time apart, many couples find that retirement feels as though Jean-Paul Sartre got it right in his play "No Exit" — "Hell is other people." Most notably, their husband or wife. 

Finances 

When people marry young, they may not consider just how much of an impact retirement planning (or lack of it) can affect their marriage later on. On one end of the spectrum, retired couples may find that their nest egg is not enough to support both of them and may need to adjust their lifestyles accordingly. If one or both spouses aren't particularly happy in their current situation, living better apart becomes a good reason to part ways.   

On the other end of the spectrum, well-off couples can part ways knowing they and their spouse will be financially stable after divorce, and then some. They have enough means to live the life they've always dreamed of and don't have to remain tied financially to their spouse. For these couples, financial freedom takes on a whole new meaning.  

Life Expectancy 

Due to significant medical advancements, "till death do us part" can be a phrase some couples come to think of as a threat instead of a promise, as they intended on their wedding day. Life expectancies have risen to be the highest they've ever been in history, which significantly extends the retirement period. Paired with improvements in healthcare, singles over 50 may think of themselves as having just as much vitality in their older years as they did when they were young.  

Older couples may realize that staying married to their spouse may mean another 50 years of marriage. Instead of sticking it out like their parents' generation did, they seek a divorce because they've got so many options, especially with the rise in popularity of online dating, for meeting someone new.  

Who knows? Someone "new" could even be Bill or Melinda. They haven't called me — yet — but I'm more than happy to advise them if they do. 

9 Secrets for a Healthy Relationship, According To a Couple Married Over 50 Years

When you're divorced, it's really easy to get turned off to the idea of marriage. Not just the thought of getting married again, but more specifically, the possibility that a marriage can be healthy and stay that way.

While on vacation last month, I had the pleasure of meeting a couple celebrating their 54th wedding anniversary. Over omelets and coffee at the hotel where I was staying, the couple was kind enough to share their secrets for a successful marriage, one anyone looking at them could tell was still going strong.

Even if you never intend to walk down the aisle again, you can apply these principles to any romantic relationship. Straight from my newfound friends, here they are.

1. Don't give up.

Where there's a will, there's a way, as the saying goes. If your relationship is going through a rough patch, you must be willing to resolve your issues if you expect your love to endure. You must be receptive to your partner's ideas and make sure you're communicating your feelings appropriately.

Remember, you and your partner are a team: it's you and him or her against whatever problems you're facing, not you against him or her.

2. Pick your battles. 

It's important to recognize that you can't always get what you want. You may feel tempted to fight for whatever you believe in, as being outspoken very well may be part of your personality.

You probably don't have malicious intentions, but what may result is that your partner feels like you're not listening and, as a result, feels powerless. If not addressed, feelings of resentment and hopelessness could ultimately kill your relationship.

You may prefer, say, Italian food over Chinese food, and your partner may prefer Chinese food over Italian food. Still, if you insist on only going to Italian restaurants, your partner will feel voiceless. Sometimes you need to let your partner win the battle. Go out for Chinese food. Is it that big of a deal?

For more serious conflicts, you may fervently believe in your position, but you need to, at a minimum, hear your partner out. He or she will have a different perspective from yours, but that perspective will also help you develop new insight into your dispute.

What you will often find is that he or she is actually right, or at a minimum, you may be a little less right than you initially thought.

3. Compromise whenever possible.

Sometimes you'll win the battle, sometimes your partner will win, and sometimes you'll have to meet in the middle. Compromise is a sign of cooperation. It reinforces the idea you and your partner are working together as a team. And that you work well together.

Compromising also functions as a gesture of goodwill: you're willing to meet your partner halfway on an issue because you would rather put your minds together to solve the problem than fight to the bitter end.

4. Practice simple kindness.

Despite what many people say, chivalry isn't dead. And it will never die as long as we keep practicing it in our daily lives. Never stop trying to impress your partner, and you can do this through random acts of kindness. Not just on special occasions either.

Your spouse expecting a relaxing and romantic dinner on your anniversary is an easy one. But what if you cooked a hearty home-cooked meal on a random Tuesday also because you know he or she has a stressful presentation the next morning at work?

Smaller gestures, such as holding the door open or paying your partner a compliment, can make a big difference. This way, your partner never feels unloved, uncared for, or, perhaps worst of all, unseen, and your relationship goes on strong.

5. Laugh a lot.

Couples who get along well generally have a similar sense of humor. Both partners think the same things are funny. However, they don't make their partner the butt of the joke.

We've all been around those people, the ones who laugh while we sit there scratching our heads, asking, "Did she just mean to say that?"

The person who loves you won't do that. Nor will you do it to them.

6. Don't be afraid to argue.

Healthy couples argue. Why? Because healthy couples express themselves. When your partner has an issue, he or she raises it. You're open to hearing from your partner about problems he or she may have, too.

Because we're human and emotional, sometimes tensions and voices can rise. As long as there's no abuse, it's OK. People get mad. They fight.

But couples who love and respect each other work on their issues together. That, hopefully, causes less fighting in the long run.

7. Be independent.

Being in a relationship doesn't mean you're joined at the hip. In fact, you shouldn't be. Long after you become a couple, you should still maintain interests outside your partner.

You should have friends, hobbies, and time all to yourself. If your partner doesn't allow you to have independence in your relationship, you may unwittingly be the victim of emotional abuse.

That said, do unto others.

8. Focus on what makes your spouse or partner attractive to you.

If you've been with the same person for a long time, you may not be as thin as you once were or muscular. There may be more lines on your face than were there when you first met, and the hair on your head may not be as thick or exist at all.

But, guaranteed, your partner has attributes that can still make you swoon. Whether it's the way that he or she smiles when reading a passage in a book or furrows their brow when deep in thought, or the shape of their body, you love them for it.

Focus on those attributes — when your partner is looking and when he or she isn't. It won't matter; your partner will be able to feel your appreciation.   

9. Shake things up.

A problem that arises in long relationships is when one partner (or both) gets bored. You may feel like you're in a rut waking up, going to work, taking care of the children, and going to sleep, only to wake up and do it again. For many, the monotony leads to resentment and depression.

A simple and effective way to fight boredom is to switch up your routine. Schedule a romantic getaway, try a new restaurant, or take a class. Do something new. Anything for that matter. Well, almost anything.

Life, long-term relationships, and marriages can be full of surprises. The biggest secret is you first have to be open to them.

So, see what you like, and enjoy your adventures and new experiences — together and alone. Sometimes a little time apart can make home sweet home taste even sweeter.

When Should You Delete Your Online Dating Profile?

Dating is not an exact science. It's probably why so many of my clients come to me asking when they should delete their online dating profile after meeting someone they like. My answer is always the same: it depends.

Every relationship is different. Both partners come into it with their own history and expectations. Then there's the chemistry factor; either it's there, or it's not. Sometimes chemistry is there for one person and not for the other. And other times, love and attraction grow as people get to know each other.

So, where does that leave you if you're deciding whether or not to take down your online dating profile? Or ask the person you're dating to take down theirs?

It leaves you in the position of having to have a thoughtful conversation — with yourself and the person you're dating. Here's what you should consider.

How You Feel About the Person That You're Dating

Have you been single for a while, and this is the first person you've recently dated that you like? If so, good for you!

But now ask yourself in an honest way why you like this person. Is it because you're tired of being alone? Or is this person someone whose company you actually enjoy and you feel comfortable around?

The person you become exclusive with is someone you see possibilities of a future with because taking yourself offline makes you unavailable to others. You should only limit your options if you truly believe the person you're dating fits that criteria.

Of course, there are no guarantees your relationship will last even if you get into an exclusive one. But, at a minimum, you should be able to envision what a future together could look like if it did last.

The Length of Time You've Been Together

This is a tricky one because people love to mark relationships according to milestones and what should happen at each one.

"It's our one-month anniversary, so we should be exclusive by now."

"We've been dating for three months, so I should meet his parents, right?"

 "We've been together six months, but I still haven't met her kids. Something's wrong."

For those looking for a definitive answer as to what should happen in your relationship at specific points in time, unfortunately, there's none. Again, every relationship is different. It's why you need to evaluate the level of your and your partner's involvement in each other's lives according to what's going on in your lives.

Sometimes involvement and commitment are quick. Other times, both can take some time, which may or may not be a reflection of the depth of your relationship and prospect for a future together.

If, for example, one of you has just come out of a marriage and the children are young and still adjusting to the divorce, you'll probably want to wait longer to introduce a love interest than you would if you were divorced for years.

The same is true if one of your spouses passed away. Your partner's hesitation likely has nothing to do with how they feel about you.

That said, at some point, you'll have to determine whether you're comfortable continuing your relationship in a holding pattern. Only you can know the answer to that, and after doing some soul-searching, your intuition should tell you.

This is true of any situation, not just introducing kids. If you're uncomfortable with how your relationship is progressing after a certain amount of time, you need to initiate a conversation with your partner. Their response will tell you all you need to know.

Why You Want To Become Exclusive

By removing your online dating profiles or taking down your dating apps, what are you hoping to achieve? Your answer should have something to do with you and your partner wanting to focus on each other without distraction. Or a show to each other that you're both committed enough to explore the possibility of a deeper relationship.

What removing online dating profiles should not have to do with is one of you trying to control the other. If you're doing it because you're feeling possessive of the other person, check yourself. Healthy relationships involve both partners having space to live their lives.

Whether There's Mutual Agreement

If you've gone through your analysis and you've decided you want to become exclusive with the person you're dating for all of the "right" reasons, and taking your online dating profile down makes perfect sense to you, you're halfway there. Congratulations!

Now, all you need to figure out is whether your partner is on the same page as you. Because if they aren't, you really need to rethink your decision.

Taking down your profile from an online dating site or app should be a mutual decision between both of you. It's a decision that demonstrates a willingness to give your relationship a more serious look.

If one of you isn't willing to make that showing, for whatever reason, you need to evaluate whether you're OK with this imbalance. I personally don't recommend taking yourself out of circulation if the person you're dating won't do the same.

As Maya Angelou famously said, "Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option." I must say, I agree. 

How You Want To Proceed Now That You've Communicated With Each Other

Deciding what to do next is by far the most important consideration. If you've communicated with your partner openly and honestly about your intentions and have given serious thought about your reasons for or against taking down your online dating profile or deleting your apps, you're in a solid position to make an informed decision about your future.

The purpose of being in a relationship is to feel good in it and with the person that you're dating. If someone tells you they're not ready to go to the next level, you need to check in with yourself about how that makes you feel.

If you're satisfied with your partner's reasons for not wanting to go offline just yet, or they're satisfied with yours, and you want to table the issue, for now, I recommend putting a date on the calendar to check back with each other about how your relationship is going.

Everyone has goals about what they hope to achieve from their relationship, whether it's companionship, partnership, marriage, or children. You should never feel you have to sacrifice what you want in your life to be in the company of someone who may or may not be sure about you.

Remember, even though it may feel like someone else is calling the shots, you're always in charge of your own love life. And your happiness.   

How To Communicate Effectively in Your Online Dating Profile Without Sounding Negative

When you sit down to write the bio in your online dating profile, you face the challenge of conveying who you are and what you want in a relationship using only a few hundred words. That can be difficult to do, let alone jump off the screen sounding optimistic, especially if you haven't had much luck with online dating in the past.

The result can be a struggle you may not be consciously aware of — and that's balancing positivity with getting your message across clearly. And what's your message? That you're worth getting to know better and looking to meet a special someone who meets a set of criteria that you've established. In other words, you want your dating profile to be somewhat self-selecting.

Below are a few tips to help you reel the right people in and rule the wrong people out — tastefully and tactfully.

Be clear in your online dating profile about what you want, not what you don't.

When using online dating, you should set your sights on finding an individual who shares the same relationship goals as you. After spending more than 30 years as a matchmaker, this is by far the strongest indicator a couple will form a lasting bond with each other.

How do I know? I've seen too many clients face disappointment when the person they've been dating hasn't been upfront about whether they want something casual, companionship, a committed relationship, or marriage. Of course, situations can change, but that's the exception, not the rule, and something you should never count on.

The people who do count on a change of heart are the ones who give online dating the reputation of being a "waste of time." However, I believe online dating can overcome this reputation when people communicate and listen more clearly. In other words, make your intentions known in your profile — if you're looking for a long-term match, write that. If you're looking for something casual, be aboveboard about that, too. Then take into consideration the words of others.

True, some daters will ignore what you're looking for in your profile and match with you anyway. So when you talk to a new match, ask clearly but respectfully about what their intentions for a relationship are. I must emphasize with respect because if you come on too strong too soon, even if you share the same goals, they might feel overwhelmed and not want to continue talking to you anyway. The same goes for criticizing their choice.

If your goals don't align, go your separate ways stress-free. If, on the other hand, the person you're communicating with says they don't know what they want but are willing to see where things go, consider this to be a red flag, too. You're looking for someone who already knows.

Often, when people don't have their relationship goals established yet, they're not ready to date, at least seriously. Those folks are better off spending more time single and defining their relationship needs with other people. Not you.

Don’t be too specific (aka mean) in your online dating profile.

 And I'm saying this in more than a tonal sense. While scrolling through online dating profiles, you will inevitably come across those in which a user lists standards for potential matches to meet. For instance, "No men under 6 feet." Or "No women over a certain weight." Even if you meet the criteria they demand, would you want to match with this person?

I wouldn't. The reason is the profile and person behind it sounds negative. This person is already tearing down others rather than building them up. If you want to date people with particular physical qualities, you might want to think twice about your mindset, or at a minimum, going to that extreme in your profile.

Filtering people based on superficial qualities significantly reduces the dating pool. It makes it more difficult to find a match because it causes others to overlook you automatically. After all, they believe they won't fit the bill, even if they could. Nobody likes rejection, and you're expressing a higher likelihood for them to experience it. Not to mention, you don't come off as open-minded or likable.

Your online dating profile shouldn't communicate to others how they might not be good enough for you. Instead, your online dating profile should present an authentic version of you that inspires others to ask for more information about your life. For instance, if you're looking for someone who isn't overweight, discuss how you like to exercise and want a companion interested in physical fitness as well.

Don't forget to express an interest in learning about those who visit your profile, too. People usually jump at the opportunity to talk about themselves, so make yourself an enticing audience.

Avoid self-deprecating jokes and sarcasm in your online dating profile.

After reading thousands of online dating profiles, self-deprecating jokes and sarcasm rarely translate to well-written profiles. Instead, they come off as bitter or present you as someone with low self-esteem.

A sarcastic quip is OK as long as it keeps the profile feeling lighthearted and upbeat. But this is harder to achieve than you might think. I'm much more of a fan of putting your best foot forward, not your best oddly large foot forward. Do you hear the difference?

Bottom line: hold yourself in high regard, so others will, too. The best relationships happen when two people like and respect each other, which means you have to like and respect yourself first.

What It's Really Like To Work With a Matchmaker

When the New York Times article, "What It's Like to Work With a Matchmaker," appeared in my feed, I nearly dropped my coffee mug. I had just hung up the phone with a San Francisco Bay Area client, where I base my business, now in its 31st year.  

My client, a 79-year-old woman, and I had discussed an upcoming date I set up for her. A man, in his early seventies, had asked her if she would like to meet for a walk through one of my area's favorite scenic routes, and if they felt a spark, an outside sit-down for coffee, perhaps a light lunch.  

Though a bit nervous, my client was excited. It had been a few years since her husband, the love of her life, her partner, her best friend, had died. She missed him, his quirkiness and the way he touched her hair when the sun caught it just right, the way he listened attentively to the poetry she wrote. And the moments she listened to his, and the verses they wrote together.  

We had had many conversations together before I set up that first date. I wanted to learn as much as I could about her, and not just from the detailed questionnaire I require all of my clients to complete.  

I needed to hear her story from her mouth, see the way her lips formed a smile when she reminisced about how her husband burned the toast one morning or how they were late to their daughter's dance recital 40 years earlier. I had to hear for myself why her involvement with a charity she sits on the board on moves her the way it does.  

I can say the same for each of my clients — the 30-year-old free-spirited woman who recently purchased her first home. The late-sixties divorced Silicon Valley techie, author, and art lover who would love to find a partner to share with his love of Eastern philosophy and meditation. And my never-married east coaster who is happiest when on the water and would love a sailing mate.  

We talk. As their matchmaker, as the person who helps convey their life, the dreams they've realized, and the ones they still hope to, to others and on paper through unique story-like dating profiles I write, I help them see their value and the value in those I introduce them to, even if that introduction doesn't develop. We move on, assessing and then taking the rejection, disappointment, or relief they may feel in stride.    

As a matchmaker, I get my clients to contextualize their lives up to the point that we begin working together, so they are in the best possible position to meet the person they seek — a friend, a companion, a lover, or a spouse. As a matchmaker, I put a spotlight on why they haven't had success in the past, on the passages and events in their lives that might still be holding them back. We figure them out. 

And as a matchmaker, one who values the people who come to me, who sees them as individuals and not a mere registration fee, I put potential matchmaking clients on pause if I realize they aren't ready for what they say they are. In doing so, I help them by giving them the time they need, and I help my other clients by giving them access to the strongest possible network of eligible singles who are open to possibilities.  

My circle of clients needs to be filled with individuals who are ready to love — or like. But no amount of promises I make or matches I send to a potential client could ever make them ready. They need to do the work first, which, if they are interested in doing, I can assist them through coaching. I do this by getting them ready to meet new people and date. Yes, dating requires a specific set of skills. People can be taught, and they can learn — from the right teacher. 

The services I offer, which combine online dating with my private network and rest on one-on-one coaching whenever they want or need it (I never turn my phone off to my clients), are what's allowed me to be in this business as long as I have. And why so many of my clients, and the partners and spouses they met through me, are today my friends. 

As the Times article mentions via the Bay Area dating consultant interviewed, there are many new faces in the matchmaking industry, particularly as the need for them during the pandemic and all the dating challenges that came with the pandemic grew. I have seen this phenomenon as well; Every Tiffany, Dylan, and Hillary is a matchmaker. After all, the shingle they hung and a cool landing page says so.   

But not all matchmakers are the same. The Times article says as much. Just not why.  

After three decades as a matchmaker, this is what I can tell you: A good matchmaker is not defined only by the tangible services their clients pay for; a good matchmaker is defined by the intangible ones they don't — honesty, friendship, and genuine interest.        

What Do I Do if My Friends Don't Like the Person I'm Dating?

Introducing someone you're dating to your friends can feel like a significant and exciting step in a relationship, especially if you regularly see your friends and consider them to be members of your family. It can also be stressful. You want your friends to like your new significant other, as that person is now someone you care about, too, and it's nice when all the people you care about get along.

But now that you've introduced your significant other to your friends, they just aren't seeing this person the same way you are. It's tricky, and you find yourself asking the following question over and over: Who should I believe, my friends or my significant other? Below are a few factors to consider when your friends don't like the person you're dating.

Find out why your friends don't like your new partner.

Upon finding out that your friends don't like the person you're dating, you may feel hurt and upset with your friends. You can’t believe it. Why would they do this to you? An important factor to consider is that your friends built up the courage to tell you they think this way, so there must be a reason. You may need to look past your emotions and hear out the reasoning behind their judgment.

When you're in a relationship, you lack the third-person objectivity that the people around you have. In other words, there may be behaviors and dynamics within your relationship that you would consider red flags if you saw them in someone else’s relationship but are unable to perceive because it’s your own.

If your friends cite legitimate red flag behaviors from your new partner, such as openly flirting with others or putting you down, consider taking what they’re saying seriously. They likely have your best interests at heart.

However, if your friends say they "just don't like them," consider other reasons why they might feel this way.

A gut feeling can be on the mark, but your friends may have other specific reasons for not liking someone you're dating. One of the most common reasons is jealousy. A close friend may feel jealous of all of the attention you’ve been giving to your new partner instead of them.

Additional possibilities are that a friend is jealous that you're seeing someone while they're not. Or a friend has feelings for the person you're involved with, and you aren't aware of this. Any of these scenarios, or other ones, could be the reason, so ask your friends outright about their reasons for disliking your partner. Hopefully, they’ll be honest with you.

Consider how well your significant other makes a good first impression.

Not everyone is great at getting people to like them, at least not at first. Some are charming, while others take time to warm up to those around them. Still, others can be shy or anxious in social situations.

You know the person you're dating better than your friends. Did you instantly fall for this individual, or did it take you some time to tear down their walls and finally see them for who they are? If it took you time, it might take your friends some time, too. So be patient with them.

You shouldn't need to choose between your friends and the person you're dating.

If your friends have told you they don't like the person you're with, and it's not because your significant other is mistreating you, it doesn't mean you need to or should cut anyone out of your life. As long as your friends can be civil and respectful to your significant other, which is also a sign they have respect for you, you should feel comfortable making time for everyone you care about, even if everyone can't be in the same room at once. Who knows, your friends may even warm up to your significant other one day.

But even if they don't, remember, good friends and good partners will never force you to choose between them. Not to mention, the opinion that matters most is the one you have. So ask yourself: Are you happy?

Is COVID-19 Vaccine Status the New Game-Changer on Online Dating Sites?

The pandemic has, without a doubt, transformed dating. To comply with health restrictions, daters got creative and placed their love lives in the hands of technology and online dating platforms more than they ever did before.  

Conversations changed. Daters asked each other whether they'd had the virus, if they were taking precautions by socially distancing from others, and whether they were willing to take a new relationship slower than they would have during pre-COVID-19 times. And now, as the vaccine rollout gains momentum, daters are asking a couple of new questions. They are:  

• Have you had the vaccine yet, and 

• Are you open to receiving it when it's your turn? 

According to a recent survey conducted by the dating platform Plenty of Fish, the answer can make a difference. Over half of the single people surveyed said that if a potential match revealed they had no intention of getting vaccinated, it would be enough to turn them away.     

As a modern-day matchmaker, part of my job is to help my clients have the most successful dating experience possible. That means identifying and helping my clients identify the people with whom they would be the most compatible. Vaccine status may be just the latest way to predict whether two people will get along. 

What a potential match's thoughts about the COVID-19 vaccine status might say about them. 

Communicating skepticism (or enthusiasm) about the new vaccine could become a jumping-off point for finding out how a potential match feels about political issues, healthcare, and whether they are ethical (i.e., have they jumped the line to get the vaccine, and how do they feel about people who do?)  

Indeed, the ongoing pandemic has created countless social ramifications, many of which we have yet to observe. And people have conflicting opinions, many of which can become evident simply by asking whether a potential match has been vaccinated or plans to be.  

Should you add your COVID-19 status to your online dating profile? 

It depends. A risk of doing so is matching because of COVID-19, not chemistry. Since the pandemic began last March, many daters have found themselves in precisely such situations, questioning whether their relationship had more depth and meaning to it than the mere fact they were convenient to each other at a time when dating proved challenging.  

If you can look at vaccine status as one way, not the primary way, to judge a match's viability, then advertise away. Think of your new status as just another checkbox next to those that include whether you smoke, hike, or want kids.  

Some people will see your lacking the vaccine as a barrier to entry while others won't, or as a plus if you have received it. Still others won't care either way, depending on how they feel about your profile in its entirety. 

Remember that a COVID-19 vaccine can limit risk for in-person dates but not alleviate it. 

Though the vaccine's effects are still being analyzed and will be for the foreseeable future, Dr. Fauci clearly says that although the vaccine protects COVID-19, it is not a Get Out of Jail Free card. That means even those who have been vaccinated still need to take precautions — for themselves and those around them, especially the people who haven't yet received the vaccine and have no immunity against the disease. 

Even so, the protection offered by the vaccine is proving to make matches who have been vaccinated more appealing than those who have not. Instances of daters posting their vaccine status on their profiles are becoming more frequent. It seems only logical they would; earlier in the pandemic, it wasn't uncommon for users to put in their dating profiles that they were COVID negative or that they had COVID-19 antibodies (meaning they tested positive and recovered). 

But until the powers that be tell us we are all in the clear and out of harm's way from COVID-19, think of others' safety as you would your own. It is the right thing to do, not to mention being thoughtful and considerate of others will make you more appealing than any vaccine ever could.