I’m a Professional Matchmaker. Here’s How To Choose Which Photos To Include in Your Online Dating Profile.

Creating the perfect online dating profile can seem like a challenging task. How do you decide which pictures to feature and which ones to scrap? The poses? What about the correct number of photos? For the record, I believe five to seven images are best. It's sufficient to give the viewer an idea about who you are while still leaving enough room for their imagination to take over, urging them to make the first move.  

As a matchmaker who utilizes online dating to help my clients get the broadest possible array of potential matches, I believe that taking a holistic approach to online dating profiles results in the most success for singles, especially those over 50. Meaning, I envision the perfect online dating profile to be one that accurately represents the dater through words and images in equal part. Both should tell a story. 

Your online dating photos should tell a story about you just as your write-up does. 

Just as your written description does, your online dating profile photos should serve as a photographic story about you. Think of it this way: if online dating sites are like virtual bars, then the profiles on them are essentially the virtual people sitting at said bars, which means you need to look your best in your photos, just as you would want to in person. 

However, applying this idea to creating an online dating profile can be tricky. What will work and what won't? Below are five simple tips I have put together to help you create a well-rounded and, most importantly, genuine profile that will inspire other users to swipe right on you — because they want to meet you, not some imaginary version of you. 

1. Take a close-up image of your face for your online dating profile.  

Sorry, I know what you're thinking. But, trust me, posting a close-up, especially as the first photo in the gallery, will save you time in the long run. Potential matches need to see what you look like to know if they want to swipe on you. Often, online daters make this decision in a split second. Not to mention, any viable match is going to want to know what you look like, for real. That's why your first picture to be one that clearly shows off your facial features.  

This picture (as well as the rest of the photos on your profile) must be recent, too, as it's a classic online dating nightmare to show up to a date only to meet someone who looks nothing like their photos. Seeing a match's disappointment written across their face right in front of you is much more painful than never seeing it all because they swiped left, keeping their rejection of you private. Hey, don't take it personally; you do the same thing to others.  

Taking a close-up photo may make you nervous, especially if you're insecure about the way you look. But part of dating is putting yourself out there. So, set aside time to make yourself presentable, put on your favorite outfit, take some pictures, and have some fun.  

A selfie or two is fine, but you should also include pictures someone else takes of you. If no one's around to help because of the ongoing pandemic or otherwise, try positioning the phone to take a photo of you from a distance and use the timer function to give yourself a few moments to pose. 

2. Use a full-body shot in your online dating profile. 

The full-body shot is another photo that you may find similarly nerve-wracking. Many people may feel insecure about their bodies and shudder at the mere prospect of posting pictures featuring their bodies online. If you're one of them, remember, the person you meet online will want to meet you in person, too, so it's best to be upfront. 

Also, in a brick and mortar setting such as a bar, you cannot hide your body. Like it or not, body shape is one factor that influences attraction. The good news is everyone has different tastes, which means there are people out there who will be attracted to you, whatever your body type is. Why not give those people a fair shot at finding you? 

3. Include a few action shots in your online dating profile. 

I believe that action shots are what will set your profile apart from the rest. Think of your online dating profile as a visual summary of who you are as a person. These are the photos where you can get creative and show potential matches who you are and how you live.  

What are your hobbies and interests? Do you like to cook? Travel? Practice yoga? Swim? Just name it; I guarantee you can take a photo of yourself doing it. Don't only mention it in your profile either; show it. Here's another tip: beautiful and exotic landscapes can be fascinating to look at but will be even better if you're in them.  

4. Limit group photos in your online dating profile. 

You may have read elsewhere that it's a good idea to include group photos with people of the same sex in your online dating profile because of the "Cheerleader Effect." The Cheerleader Effect holds that people of the same sex in group photos look more attractive when together. However, if you include too many group shots, a potential match may not feel like playing "Where's Waldo" and swipe left out of laziness or frustration. 

My advice is to include individual photos of yourself first, and if there's a group photo you think you look particularly attractive in, add it toward the end of your profile. Just make sure whoever is looking at it can quickly identify you in it.  

5. Add a photo with your pet in your online dating profile if you are a pet owner. 

Research has shown that including a photo in your online dating profile of you with your pet, particularly a dog, will make a person more likely to match with you. Cats, unfortunately, not so much. 

According to a survey, more than one-third of people who swiped right on an online dating profile that included a dog photo did so to meet the dog. So, if you're wondering whether you should have a picture of your pooch in your profile, consider this a clear sign to go ahead. That dog of yours may turn out to be the best friend — and wingman — you ever had. 

How To Celebrate Valentine’s Day When You’re in a New(ish) Relationship Without Making it Weird

When you're just starting out in a new relationship, Valentine's Day can feel uncertain. The holiday of love and romance can represent a level of intimacy that you and your new(ish) partner may have simply not achieved yet.

Perhaps you've only been dating for a couple of months or have only been on a few dates. Or maybe you're not exclusive yet or haven't talked about where you stand. Should you celebrate Valentine's Day? Should you ignore it altogether? The questions can cause you to become anxiety-ridden.

As a professional matchmaker, I recognize that, as my clients begin new relationships, the topic of commitment surrounding Valentine's Day can be tricky. So, I urge them to understand their relationship and utilize communication to work at their own pace.

Below are my suggestions for how to navigate a new relationship on Valentine's Day.

Talk about Valentine's Day with the person you're dating beforehand.

It may seem daunting to bring up Valentine's Day because it feels awkward and potentially ushers in the dreaded "What (or where) are we?" conversation. But, as I always emphasize, open communication is necessary for any relationship to succeed. And if Valentine's Day presents enough of a conflict or sense of uncertainty for you and your relationship, then it's something you should talk about with your new partner.

That said, you don't need to make a big deal of Valentine's Day either. Gauge your partner's interest in the holiday. Perhaps they despise it, referring to it as a "Hallmark holiday," and don't want to celebrate it at all. Or maybe they think celebrating Valentine's Day is a huge step in a relationship, signifying a serious, committed relationship, and leave the conversation at that.

Either way, you won't know how your partner feels about Valentine's Day until you talk about it with them. But when you do, keep the conversation light — and the bunnies in the garden (not in a pot of water) where they belong.

Do something low-key for Valentine's Day.

When dating someone new, it's important to pace your relationship comfortably. You don't want to get serious too fast, but also you don't want to stagnate. Valentine's Day can be a catalyst for the growth of your relationship. Maybe you and your partner have built enough of a bond that you want to spend Valentine's Day together, but you don't want to be serious about it or your relationship quite yet.

Planning a date for Valentine's Day commensurate with your level of intimacy can result in a successful and, just as important, fun night. There's no need to pressure yourselves into booking an expensive dinner and eating a meal surrounded by "serious" couples giving each other lovey-dovey looks or even proposing!

So why not do something more low-key, such as cooking together at home and then cuddling up on the couch with some hot cocoa while watching a movie? Or schedule a romantic walk or hike. Or maybe plan a casual celebration with a small group and ask your current love interest to join.

How creative you and your partner get will speak volumes about how romantic — and interested — you both are. Keep an open mind and be realistic about the time you've spent together thus far so you don't set yourself up for disappointment. A little effort can still mean a lot, given where you are in your relationship.

Discuss whether you want to exchange gifts for Valentine's Day.

Another topic you should talk about with your partner beforehand: gifts. Gift-giving can be tricky and likely awkward because, in a way, gifts can signify the level of commitment you and your partner feel toward each other. A costly gift, for instance, can suggest a serious relationship. So, if you're just starting out with a new partner, perhaps save the jewelry for a future Valentine's Day.

Without proper communication beforehand, one person will inevitably show up with a more expensive gift than the other, leaving both of you feeling weird about the situation. So consider agreeing on a price limit or not giving anything to avoid any awkwardness.

Don't celebrate Valentine's Day at all.

There's no written rule saying you must celebrate Valentine's Day together. February 14th is merely another day on the calendar; it doesn't have to be Valentine's Day per se. However, there's no reason you have to be apart on this particular Day either and not see each other.

Why not schedule a regular date for Valentine's Day? You don't have to go all out with romance; just continue along the current trajectory with your new partner.

Again, a discussion beforehand can play an important role in keeping everyone's expectations in check and not having an elephant in the room during your non-valentine Valentine's Day date. No one likes a third wheel.

Make other plans for Valentine's Day instead.

Avoid the conflict altogether by doing something else on Valentine's Day, and no, I don't mean by going on a date with someone new. I'm thinking something more along the lines of planning to hang out with your friends instead.

Making alternative plans eases the pressure of what to do on Valentine's Day with a new partner. Even if the question comes up and one or both of you don't feel ready to share the day, you can't meet up anyway because you're already busy. Who knows, that may be enough for that new boo of yours to have a change of heart.

Updated February 13, 2025.

How to Beat the Rejection Mindset When Using Online Dating

Online dating offers singles the opportunity to meet more people than they ever could using traditional methods — in person or through introductions. Logic would, therefore, dictate that more people than ever before should be in relationships. Instead, the opposite is true: more people than ever before are single. So why, then, do all of these interactions over online dating never seem to work out? 

A 2019 study hypothesizes the existence of a "rejection mindset," in which the continuous exposure to seemingly endless potential matches makes people feel more pessimistic about finding a partner, continuing a cycle of rejection. It results in less satisfaction with dating, in general, and, for women, especially, a lower likelihood of finding a match. 

Thus, the question becomes: How do singles beat the rejection mindset to put themselves in a position to meet their ideal match? 

Don't take rejection while dating online personally. 

 When someone doesn't match with you, or if someone talks to you then un-matches or "ghosts," or if you go out with someone a couple of times and the interaction fizzles, and it happens repeatedly, you may begin to internalize why you haven't experienced success. You may think it's because you're boring, not good-looking enough, not smart enough, not rich enough, or whatever "not enough" you can come up with at the moment. As a result, you develop this rejection mindset. 

It's critical to remember that there's more to your online dating experience than what meets the eye, meaning you don't necessarily know what's going on in someone else's life when you speak with them. Perhaps the person who ghosted you did so because they aren't sure of their romantic intentions. Or maybe an ex re-entered the picture. Or perhaps something happened in their personal life that caused them to step away from dating, such as a parent becoming sick. It could be anything; don't assume it's always because of you. Usually, it isn't. 

Don't let online dating rejection deter you. 

Everyone experiences setbacks or failures now and again — at work, with hobbies, and, yes, in their dating lives. But that doesn't mean you're a failure as a person; it just means you're human. If you internalize your dating "fails," couching them as such, and act as though you're a failure, then that will be the message you send to others, including romantic interests. Most people don't react well to pessimism, which would continue to feed a cycle of rejection. 

Experiencing a so-called failure, such as not landing a date with a match you find appealing or getting dumped, is universal. But the key to success is that you don't let it get you down or give up on dating altogether. After a disappointment, you must get back up and try again, with your head held high. Optimism and positive energy are attractive to others. If you view yourself as a success, others will, too. And when rejection inevitably happens, you won't feel rejected. Or, if you do, you won't care as much. 

Recognize that when using dating sites, you reject other people, too. 

Just as you’re looking to find a match, everyone else is doing the same. So when you're perusing profiles and choose to swipe left, you are, in effect, rejecting that person. But are you rejecting that person because you view them as a failure as a human being? Hopefully not. It's most likely that this person doesn't appear to be a good fit for you. That could be for a variety of reasons, such as living too far away, them communicating different relationship goals from yours, or not being physically appealing — to you.  

Rejecting other people while looking for a match isn't something to feel badly about; it's a part of dating. When other people reject you, it's crucial to maintain perspective and understand that rejection is a given in the grand scheme of dating. Everyone must choose between their options. Not everyone will choose you, just as you will not choose everyone else. 

When using online dating, think about why that person might have rejected you. 

A difficult question but one necessary to ask is: "Why did this person reject me?" And no, the answer is not because you're an unlovable person. It's most likely because some aspect of your profile made you not a match for this person. If it's something to do with where you live, you might not be able or willing to change that. If you're a brunette and someone searching wants a blonde, and that's what causes them not to feel attracted to you, so be it. 

But if it's your attitude that's holding you back, you can address it. What's the tone of your profile? Are you saying what you don't want instead of what you do ("No fat guys." "No one below six-foot-one.")? Try leading with the positive instead of the negative. Additionally, when you start talking to potential matches and going on dates, how's your body language? Are you slouching or looking away? What are you saying?  

If, for instance, you appear to have a cloud of misery over your head — you hate your job, the guy in the next office, your ex — and are gesticulating wildly, try casually and enthusiastically discussing what you like most and what you hope to achieve out of your life. If you're having trouble in these areas, it's likely because you feel bad about yourself inside. Practicing self-care could help you address those issues and communicate more positively. 

Don't let online dating, and dating in general, rule your life. 

When you're talking to someone new, a frequent discussion will be about the hobbies you're both involved in or how you spend your free time. Ask yourself: Do I have a life outside of dating? Friends? A career? Charitable endeavors? Hobbies? 

The answer should be yes to this critical question. Because if you don't have interests apart from dating, your reasons for dating may likely be due to you wanting someone else to fill a void you feel in yourself. Others will recognize this, whether immediately or as they get to know you better, the result of which won't be good for you or your relationship if you even get that far.  

Having an identity outside of your romantic partner is essential to building and sustaining a healthy and long-lasting relationship. That means dating should be one aspect of your life, not your entire life. Don't let it define your worth. You're worth so much more. 

How Will the Events of 2020 Affect Dating Trends in 2021?

I think it's safe to say 2020 was nothing like anyone expected when we watched the ball drop a little more than a year ago. Though we had no idea what was in store for us, we were on the cusp of a global pandemic, a modern-day civil rights movement, and one of the most cut-throat presidential elections in U.S. history. None of these circumstances made it easy to date, let alone live our lives as we once did. 

With a vaccination effort now underway, more self-awareness about racism, and a new administration coming into office, I've spent the last week or so thinking about what we can expect for singles in the coming year. Despite the challenges we've faced during the past 10 months, I'm optimistic about the dating landscape in 2021, and not only because my clients have already demonstrated how resilient they are, finding love in the direst of circumstances.  

I'm hopeful because I believe the hardships singles had to contend with last year made them better daters. Based on my work with clients for more than three decades, these are my predictions for how the events of 2020 will affect dating trends in 2021. 

Slower dating  

One consequence arising from the events of 2020 is that daters are taking more time to get to know romantic partners and take things slow. According to a new study released by OkCupid, 84 percent of those surveyed believe it's important to make an emotional connection before a physical connection. During a pandemic, when making a physical connection puts you at risk for more than a broken heart, it only makes sense that the current trend is to build connections slowly, step by step. 

Open-mindedness  

As a direct result of the pandemic, virtual dating has grown in prominence among daters who might have been used to meeting singles only in person — at bars, the gym, work, even the grocery store. With much of these scenarios off the table, singles understand there's less need to limit their search to just their area. According to the OkCupid study, there has been a 50 percent increase in connections and conversations between matches that live in different countries, resulting from more and more people setting their locations to "anywhere." 

In a broad sense, people are increasingly dating outside of their comfort zone, reflecting a rise in inter-religious and interracial dating. According to the study, people are now 15 percent more likely to match with someone with a different religious background and 10 percent more likely to match with someone with a different racial background than they were before the pandemic. This result might be due to increased cultural and racial awareness, in addition to a willingness to cast a larger net. 

Conscious dating  

With less of an ability to go out and meet people and a need to place a more considerable emphasis on socially distant dating, daters are thinking more carefully about how they allocate their time to potential matches. If they don't see a future with a match or soon figure out they have different relationship goals, they have less incentive to continue interacting. With less background noise in their lives, with fewer distractions, daters are paying attention, listening to the little voice inside of them that says when they should give a match a try, continue dating a particular person, stay in a relationship, or leave one. 

More fine-tuned dating 

With conscious dating also comes narrower relationship goals and expectations. People are more willing than ever to apply what they want from their more abstract dating goals to the dating process specifically. Daters are taking their goals to task by setting their sights on only viable matches (this person is interested in getting married one day, is open to relocating, etc.) and consider what a "good" date will look like to them. If they don't see what they're looking for, they continue their search.  

A willingness to give a serious relationship a try  

According to the study, five million people on OkCupid believe that couples should live together before getting married. The pandemic made it such that couples started living together quicker, as one million people on OkCupid indicated how they dislike living alone. Socially distancing during the pandemic heightened this sentiment, opening daters' minds to another new possibility that they might not have considered before. 

True, living together more quickly might not appear to be in line with a slower dating process at first glance. But when you consider how living together is a means to explore a monogamous relationship, it does indicate a dating slowdown. Indeed, the stakes are higher because you're putting in a lot more of yourself upfront, but with higher stakes can come higher payouts, particularly if that payout is the relationship you've been looking for all your life.  

This article originally appeared in Marin Magazine

17 Everyday Practices to Strengthen Your Relationship in the New Year

My clients come to me because they want a relationship. Most people do. As human beings, we're social creatures. We crave connection, and when we haven't had a romantic one for a while, we desire it, no matter how filled our lives are with friends, career, and hobbies. That's nature. 

Once we find a connection, we want to preserve it. Often, that proves problematic if we slip back into old ways — working too much, staying within ourselves, and just getting caught up in our own, let's say, mishigas. That's also nature. 

It's why we need to stay proactive about the romantic relationships we cherish — so our instincts don't take over and destroy what we have built or are in the process of building. To be clear, I'm not a fan of the expression "Relationships are hard work." It implies relationships are this tiring, draining experience. And let's face it, the prospect of having to work hard at something, something else, isn't always appealing.  

Instead, think of a relationship as a living organism that each partner needs to nurture and care for every day — in small amounts, little by little, and not in the same way. In other words, taking care of your relationship shouldn't feel like a daily chore but rather an experience you have, one that energizes you as much as you energize it.  

How do you do that? Visualize your relationship as a collection of touchpoints. None is more important than the other. However, for your relationship to survive, you must touch all of them regularly. If you miss one repeatedly, it can, over time, drain the rest and the relationship overall. Here are 17 touchpoints to consider.   

Prioritize your relationship. 

We hear this a lot, and it's excellent advice. However, I believe it can become a slippery slope, especially if you're trying to save a relationship. Yes, make your relationship a priority, but don't make it your only one. If you do, you will lose yourself, and at some point down the line, you — and your relationship — won't be able to withstand the burden anymore. 

Communicate.  

Pissed off your girlfriend left her towel on the bathroom floor? Angry that your boyfriend left his wine glass on the coffee table? Appreciate the birthday cake your wife baked for your birthday or the dinner your husband cooked last night? Tell them. If something's bothering you, get it out into the open. Don't fester about it, engage in passive-aggressive behavior with them, or take your frustration out on someone else or yourself. 

As I mentioned above in my examples, communication can also be positive, so if you have something nice to say, want to express your appreciation, love, or want to share about your day, go for it. Your partner wants to know they're a fundamental part of your life. And that includes all the elements of your life — the good, the bad, and the ugly.  

Listen.  

To communicate well, you need to listen well. When your partner shares with you, they're not only telling you what they picked up at the market or what happened that day at work. As they communicate, your partner gives you a glimpse into who they are. Between the lines, your partner will tell you what they care about and how they feel about you, life, and themselves. Pay attention. Listening shows you care. 

Argue. 

Do you think arguing shows you have problems in your relationship? Think again. Healthy couples disagree from time to time, and it doesn't have to be about something serious like that extra-long look your husband noticed you giving the trainer at the gym.  

A healthy argument could be about politics, whether you want to go to that dinner party on Saturday night, or about what color to paint the living room. When done positively and with respect (no name-calling or insults), arguing can strengthen a relationship. It's part of communicating.  

Give each other space. 

In a healthy relationship, both partners have their own lives. They're not on top of each other all the time. Each partner has friends and interests outside their relationship. Sometimes those friends and interests intersect; other times, they don't. 

If you're having an argument or your partner hurts your feelings, and you begin to lose control or perspective, take a step back from the situation. Get some air, go for a walk, or leave the room. Alone time can change the way the landscape looks.   

Have self-respect. 

One of the best ways to contribute to your relationship's health is to have self-respect. When you do, you're not afraid to stand up for yourself if necessary.  

You also are comfortable expressing your wants and needs in the relationship. You value yourself and communicate this to your partner. 

Respect your partner. 

No self-respecting person mistreats their partner. Abuse, physical, verbal, and emotional, comes from a place of self-loathing. If you find yourself mistreating your partner, ask yourself why. Not to mention, if you treat your parent with disrespect, why would you expect them to treat you any better? It's more likely they will come to resent or despise you.   

Treating your partner with indifference is not respecting your partner either. If you genuinely don't care about what they say or feel, or about being with them at all, give them the respect they deserve by either working on your relationship or leaving.  

Practice self-care.  

A person who has self-respect takes steps to care for themselves physically, mentally, and emotionally. Set aside time every day just for you. Meditate, journal, exercise, take a hot bath, make yourself a fantastic cup of coffee or a meal. Do whatever you love to do, even if it's for only a few minutes. It will do wonders for your attitude and enthusiasm for life.  

Connect with your partner. 

Make a point to connect with your partner daily. I know life gets crazy, and you can pass your spouse on the way to the kitchen without even looking up from your phone. Stay conscious not to do this. Check in with them often. Face your partner when you speak to them. Look into their eyes. Touch them when you talk. 

Be honest. 

Don't lie, period. Come to your partner from a place of honesty. White lies also count, as do lies of omissions. Causing feelings of doubt in your partner will only serve to undermine your relationship. 

Establish trust in your relationship. 

Honesty builds trust in a relationship. But remember not only to look for trust from your partner; show your partner they can trust you as well.  

Stand by your word. It's your most valued asset and what others will remember you for long after you're gone.   

Support your partner.  

Support is not the same as agreeing with your partner. You may think they won't get that promotion at work, believe they were the one at fault in an argument with a friend because of their overreaction, or won't sell that painting they've been working on for months. Your beliefs may turn out to be correct. It doesn't matter. 

Either way, you can still be a supportive partner. Be sure to encourage them to follow their ambitions and be empathetic about their feelings, making a concerted effort to understand why they feel as they do. Everyone wants to know their partner's in their corner.  

Don't go to bed mad. 

In any relationship, fights will occur. You will inevitably hurt your partner's feelings, and they will hurt yours. If you can't resolve the situation before bed, at least start the conversation about making that happen. Extending an olive branch and a good night's sleep go well together. 

Express love.  

Your partner may know you love them but tell them anyway. Often. The words can be affirming for both of you.  

Spend quality time together. 

That doesn't mean sitting on the couch with your partner while one of you watches TV and the other reads a book. Do something together. It can be a TV show or a movie if you're both engaged in it, especially now during a pandemic. 

Even better, go for a walk, a hike, or cook together so you can talk during the activity and catch up on life. It doesn't matter what you do as long as you're involved while you do it. 

Make time for intimacy. 

Sex is an essential part of most healthy relationships (I say most because there are exceptions: mutual agreement or illness, for example). Make time for sex. Schedule it if you have to, and if you aren't in the mood, give yourself a little push because you may get in the mood.  

Stay conscious about making your partner feel wanted. And if you're the one who's getting the cold shoulder, voice it. Your partner may not realize how the lack of intimacy in your relationship affects you. 

Forgive. 

Everyone makes mistakes, including in their relationship. However, sometimes, forgiveness for the past can take time. Be patient.  

If you feel your relationship is worth the effort, then when you're ready, apologize to your partner or accept an apology from them. Forgiveness, you see, is the highest form of love. "You can't forgive without loving. And I don't mean sentimentality. I don't mean mush. I mean having enough courage to stand up and say, 'I forgive. I'm finished with it.'" —Maya Angelou 

11 Ways to Practice Self-Care When You're Dating

To date and do it well, you need to invest in the process. The best way to make the most of dating is, somewhat counterintuitively, not to focus on your date but, instead, to practice self-care. Like any venture, whether it's for work, a home improvement project, or preparing to run a triathlon, you're going to need your strength.  

You'd be surprised how long it takes to write a thoughtful dating profile. Or sort through hundreds if not thousands of profiles, strike up and maintain an intelligent conversation through text, email, phone calls, and Zoom, go out (even virtually) on a first date, follow up, and, if it feels right, continue dating. I won't even get into the work that has to go into a relationship once you get into one to keep it healthy and strong.  

The point is you need to take care of your mind and body throughout each of these stages. And it's not only to make yourself more appealing to the person you're dating, although that's part of it. It's also to ensure your head is in the game — the dating process and the people you're meeting themselves.  

Yes, everyone wants to feel they're getting the attention they deserve and a fair shot at the relationship they want. After all, your date's time, money, and energy are at stake, too. Not putting in your best effort affects others as much as it does you.  

So to have the best dating experience possible, I've come up with 11 straightforward ways to practice self-care when you're dating, which you can implement quite easily if you set your mind to it. Here they are.  

1. Get rest.  

We hear this all the time: get a good night's sleep every night. I know for myself, if I don't get in my Zs, I'm foggy the next day, and very likely the day after that. Dating requires thinking with a clear head. With every interaction, you need to make choices. Do I like this person? Is what they're telling me true? Does their lifestyle work with mine? Should I continue dating them? 

When you aren't getting enough sleep, you won't be as equipped to ask and, more importantly, answer these questions. Sleep will enable you to be analytical about the choices you're making. Plus, sleeping well and for enough time keeps your body healthy so that you can do many of the other things on this list. Not to mention, you will look better, too. I haven't met many people who look more attractive with dark circles under their eyes.  

2. Meditate.  

Many people, including myself, utilize meditation for many purposes. As it pertains to dating, meditation can be a useful tool to help you clarify your relationship goals: Why are you dating? What are you looking for in a date? How can you date better and smarter? 

If you're feeling stressed about the state of the (dating) world, meditation can provide the refresher you need to emerge crisp and clear-headed, ready and excited to find and build a new relationship. Meditation offers the added benefit of helping you relax, which you may find useful while on your dates, too. 

3. Journal.  

Journaling is a practical way to check-in with yourself. Beyond dating, how are things going in your life right now? How are you feeling mentally? Physically? And within the world of dating: How is your relationship progressing? Are you happy with the way your relationship is going? 

If you're a bit of an overthinker, journaling may be the remedy you need. If you're worried about something that you said, for example, you can write about it until your brain catches up with your emotions and realizes, "Oh, wow. I shouldn't worry about this anymore" or "I know how I can make this right." You can now carry on with your day having that weight lifted from your chest. 

4. Treat others well.  

Whether you're dating or not, take this advice to heart: Treat others with kindness and respect and how you would expect others to treat you. For example, even if you are sweet and kind to your date but rude to the waitstaff, your date will take note of it, and there may not be a next date.  

Plus, if you have any sense of decency, you'll feel bad afterward about the waitstaff and losing out on a potential relationship. If you don't, you may want to explore why and not date until you do. 

5. Spend time doing what you love.  

As a matchmaker, I've noticed that some people make the mistake of letting their partner become the center of their universe. Meaning, they lose their identity and, instead, become fixated on their relationship. Doing this can create a downward spiral, often resulting in heartbreak since you're no longer the person you represented yourself to be. 

To save your relationship (and your sanity), keep doing what you love. If you like reading, keep reading. If you like hiking, keep hiking. You existed before you met your partner; there's no reason why you can't exist apart from them now. Additionally, having outside interests will always give you something exciting to discuss with your partner, mainly because you're excited about it. 

6. Try new things.  

Opening yourself up to trying new food, hobbies, and experiences will keep you not only sharp but also intriguing to your partner. People tend to get bored when they do the same things over and over again. So why not enjoy a day trip to a museum with your partner, by yourself, or with friends? (OK, maybe not physically during a pandemic, but a virtual tour, perhaps?)  

Even outside of a relationship, it's healthy to sustain a sense of curiosity about the world around you. The experience of broadening our horizons and trying new things builds character and personality and honestly makes us more enjoyable to others when they talk to us.  

7. Groom.  

I cannot emphasize enough just how critical taking care of yourself is. I'm sure you've heard of the "love weight" that people gain at the start of a relationship, as they continuously go out to eat. But beyond that, when you start getting comfortable in a relationship, you may not take as much care with your hair, makeup, or outfits as you once did. 

Don't make that mistake! While it's nice to feel comfortable enough with someone that you don't feel like you have to take care of yourself, overall, you may end up feeling worse in the long run because if you don't look your best, you may not end up feeling your best. This mindset may harm you in other areas of your life, such as work and friendships. Again, the lack of grooming is a symptom of letting your relationship encompass your life, while, in reality, your relationship should be only one part of your life. 

8. Do what makes you feel good.  

If you aren't comfortable scheduling three dates in one week, don't. If you would prefer to have a call over Zoom versus the phone, express that. If you aren't yet comfortable being intimate, wait. And if you don't feel good about yourself when you're around someone you're dating, stop dating them. Sound simple? It is.   

9. Don't ruminate. 

I'm sorry to say but, with dating, anything goes. Some folks act nicer than others. And people don't always appreciate or realize how their behaviors affect those they interact with, even if the interactions are seemingly small. Inevitably, someone will ghost you (disappear without warning), say something offensive, or not behave as you would.  

Stop dwelling on it. Don't try to figure out why this person said what they did or acted a particular way. Move on because, quite likely, they're not thinking about you. And, to be honest, at that point, if they've mistreated you, you shouldn't care if they are.  

10. Live in the moment. 

I advise my clients to be clear about their dating and relationship goals, both to themselves and to the people they date. But I also tell them they need to let things happen naturally.  

Set up that timeline you have in your head but refrain from telling your date during a first meeting that if you don't get a ring at the end of six months, you're gone. I can pretty much guarantee your date will disappear long before you ever have to worry about it.  

Stop putting pressure on yourself and whoever you're seeing. Let your relationship unfold as it should. That's part of the beauty and excitement of dating.   

11. Take a break from dating if you need it.  

If dating starts to feel grating, or if everyone starts looking and sounding the same, take a break. Dating isn't only a means to an end. Dating should be enjoyable, even if the person you're out with isn't "The One." Most people you go out with won't be. So be kind to yourself. It's by far the best way to teach others how to treat you.  

A Look Back: What Has 2020 Taught You About Dating?

I've been in this business for more than three decades, working as both a modern-day matchmaker and relationship coach. But never before have my clients or I faced the dating challenges that we did this past year.

I know you've heard it before, but 2020 was unprecedented in so many ways. There aren't many of us left who lived through the Spanish flu of 1918 and are here to talk about it. Much more lethal than COVID-19, the Spanish flu could take hold after breakfast and leave its victim dead by lunch.

Yet, somehow, stories continued to emerge from those born during the Spanish flu who survived not one pandemic but two. Each one is a testament to the strength of the human spirit. Faced with the threat of illness, or illness itself, the loss of loved ones and friends to COVID-19, financial stress, loneliness, changing lifestyles, and whatever else you can imagine a 21st-century pandemic could bring on, my clients continued to look for love through it all.

Using creative dating strategies that included Zoom, many socially distanced outdoor dates, and an incredible amount of patience, love prevailed. I had clients who met right before the pandemic adjust their usual dating behaviors to keep their new relationships going. I had other clients who opened themselves to alternative dating practices, particularly when it came to slowing down their dating timelines. And then still others who didn't let a big obstacle like a pandemic get in their way of giving dating a try for the first time in a long while, or for the umpteenth time.

I recently sat down with a few of the couples I've been counseling, couples I found partners for, a few of whom have weddings on the calendar for 2021. Forget a baby boom; 2021 is going to give us a wedding boom! (I better start dress shopping….)

Despite their success, whether engaged or simply enjoying the excitement a budding relationship brings, it wasn't necessarily easy for these couples to get to the point they are now. It's why, given the challenges of this past year and how it impacted their dating experiences, I wanted to hear my clients' takeaways.

Although we are all happy to say goodbye to 2020, life comes with unexpected situations. Because of that, I think it's worth taking a few moments to remember how we survived and thrived during this one. Here's what they said.

"If you always have an excuse for why you can't date, then you shouldn't date."

Before COVID, my clients would come to me and say that the person they were dating or trying to set up a date with was utterly inflexible. They could only meet for an hour before spin class or talk after 10 p.m. — every Tuesday and Thursday. I wish I were exaggerating.

They would only eat in a restaurant that didn't serve meat or date someone who had visited no less than 27 countries because, otherwise, it meant they weren't curious about the world. It never occurred to them, for example, that this "unworldly" person couldn't afford to travel up until then or had the time to because they were raising kids.

When the pandemic hit with a vengeance, forcing us to hole up in our homes alone, many people all of a sudden began to question how important the excuses they used to make actually were. Could they have rescheduled that spin class for a different night or gone out an hour earlier? More importantly, they started to wonder if perhaps it was them and their excuses that had affected their ability to meet someone they wanted to spend time with, someone who they liked.

Suddenly, adjusting to Zoom dates, though not as pleasant as real dates, became a possibility — a welcome one. Coffee dates on a bench in a dog park thought to be cheap before COVID now made the person who suggested it appear creative. A picnic with a view and takeout on a blanket became a welcome escape. And a beacon of hope.

Of course, there were those still guilty of blowing off dates, not answering texts, and saying they can't date in a pandemic; they'll wait until it's over. Because they "couldn't" date, they wouldn't. And, for the most part, these are the people who remain single. But if that's the case, it's likely not because of COVID. Instead, it's probably because of what they want deep down inside: to stay single. And that's OK, too. The bottom line is to date when you're ready to date.

 "You need to have standards."

Dating isn't for the faint of heart. Yes, there are people out there who will go so far as to be rude. And then others whose indifference to you will sting. Whatever the case may be, pandemic dating, i.e., dating with a lot more time to think about your intentions, how you treat others, and how others treat you, has led my clients to a more conscious approach to dating.

Being alone has its upside. You have more time to think. Plus, you know now for sure you are capable of being by yourself. As a result, you are willing to wait until you find the right person, someone you like and respect, and who likes and respects you. 

"Sometimes finding love takes work."

Working from home didn't prove to be easy, and neither did dating from home. Summoning the strength to brush their hair for a Zoom date was a "thing" for some of my clients at times, so I heard. Kidding aside (sort of), dating from home and social distance dating during a pandemic was a lot harder than it looked.

After being on them all day for work, getting on another video call, or choosing to forgo an episode of "The Queen's Gambit" or "The Undoing," to have a virtual date, required a lot of discipline and faith. My clients rose to the challenge and kept with it for the following reason. 

"You have to want it."

Your so-called dream guy or girl could show up at your doorstep (Hello, George Clooney!), but if you don't want to be with someone, then you won't be. People often talk about visualizing what you desire from the universe, from God, from whatever, and whomever you believe in, and there's a lot to be said for that.

No, I don't believe that if you put a photo of George Clooney on a vision board, he will leave Amal for you. Or that Elizabeth Hurley will come to you, bikini-clad, begging for a date. Sorry guys.

I believe that to find love, you must picture what it would be like to be in a relationship with a person who enjoys doing some of the things you do, like exploring the hills around Portofino. You also need to picture if you want that individual to help you unload the dishwasher, cook dinner, and whether you're ready to make that man or woman soup if they're feeling sick.

The ongoing pandemic caused my clients to ask this of themselves. Facing a dishwasher needing emptying, dinner for one, and an empty bed inspired them to ask: Do I want to be with someone in a real way? My coupled clients, and those putting themselves out there in an authentic, serious-minded way, answered yes.      

"I realized I needed help, except this time, I asked for it."

Dating, particularly at mid-life and beyond, comes with its unique challenges. Challenges that begin with the past each one of us carries in our hearts and memories. Some of it's good, some of it's not so good, but all of it makes us who we are today — a blend of how we see ourselves, how we see the world, and how we see ourselves in the world. Finding the missing piece of the puzzle to fit the one we lost or left behind can feel near impossible. That's because it is. Hear me out.

Think about an actual jigsaw puzzle, the one you don't want to throw away because you think that missing piece is just going to turn up one day. It's the reason why you stashed that box in the back of a closet in the first place, just in case.

Well, I have some advice for you: toss it in the trash. No one is ever going to fill the void you have for someone else, and the odds of that missing piece turning up are almost nonexistent, like your lost socks. It's time to get a new puzzle and a new pair of socks.

Sometimes even the most astute of us need help to realize this. Sometimes we benefit from an outsider to show us the possibilities. And sometimes, we want someone to hold our hand before we feel confident enough to hold someone else's. But when we do, the rest, as they say, is history. The good kind. Here's to a new, better year.      

How Do You Know if You or Someone You Meet Is Ready to Date?

Countless relationship articles are floating around discussing what you should be looking for in a partner, where to look for people to date, and how you can be a great date once you're on one. While these topics are all worthwhile and essential to finding the match who's perfect for you, they take one premise for granted: that the reader who wants to put the advice into action is ready to date.  

Often, this person is not, even though they may want to be ready. Or think that they are. Or have someone in their life telling them they are. As a matchmaker, I come across this all the time. Either I have prospective clients come to me who aren't ready or have had no luck dating because, as we discover together, they've spent too much time dating others who weren't either.  

So, for the question of the hour: How do you know if you or someone you meet is ready to date? It's easier than you think if you examine two factors: motivation and attitude.  

Are you or the people you meet motivated daters? 

If you've been "out there" dating, you've already met the two types of daters: the motivated dater and the lazy dater. The lazy dater is pretty easy to spot; however, for whatever reason, when those lazy daters meet a motivated dater, the motivated dater believes, erroneously and to their detriment, they can turn that lazy dater into someone who they're not.  

Lazy daters put minimal effort into their dating life. They're content to sit on their couch and swipe away, engaging here and there, and rarely follow through with anything. If they engage, whether on the phone, Zoom or in person, there's usually an overarching sense of ambivalence. If they get to the plans stage at all, the lazy dater is blah about the whole experience. After a meetup, they answer texts but rarely initiate and let connections fizzle despite feeling a spark. 

On the other hand, the motivated dater wants to succeed at dating, meaning they desire to find someone to spend time with and, in time, enter into a fulfilling relationship. How does this person know? They've spent time thinking about their past dating experiences, what's worked and what hasn't. They made changes in themselves — their habits, the effort they put in, and most importantly, their attitude, the second factor that will indicate whether you or someone you meet is ready to date. 

Do you or the person you're seeing have a positive attitude when it comes to dating?  

Again, if you've been dating, my guess is you've come across the guy or gal who says they're only online because their friend bought them a membership, they hate dating, everyone online is crazy, or they'll never meet anyone. Whatever the story is, it's negative. They're down on dating, and nothing you say or do can convince them otherwise. This individual is not someone you want to date, and if this sounds like you, you're not ready to date either. Here's why. 

The reasons underlying a lousy attitude about dating often come from an event in that person's past, something they're not over yet: a divorce, cheating, abuse, whatever. Honestly, it can be anything. The point is if they (or you) are not over it, dating will be a waste of time. 

So what does it look like and mean to have a positive attitude when it comes to dating? This person is genuinely excited about their future, including having someone in their life to share in that future. They're over whatever has been holding them back. They're over the abusive ex, the person who lied to them, or the one who used them for money.  

You can tell when you're talking to a person with a positive attitude because they're not talking about their past relationships incessantly or still angry about them. Because this person has let go of their past, they have time and energy to commit to the process of meeting a love interest. And, most importantly, are open to a commitment. 

Are you willing, or are the people you meet willing, to make dating and finding a relationship a priority? 

In other words, do you assign a high value to a romantic relationship? Likely, the answer to this question will turn on where you are in your life right now. You see, when you look at your life from a distance, you can recognize the different phases, or chapters, if you will, that we each go through and how they might affect our priorities, including our readiness to share ourselves with someone else romantically. 

The first chapter is the time when we grow up. That time includes our preteen years, teens, and part of our twenties, give or take. We learn who we are during these formative decades, and as we enter into an age-appropriate stage, we recognize those we feel attracted to and want to share our time with during the present. That may or may not turn into a long-term romantic relationship. Everyone's life takes a different path.  

The second chapter generally involves some combination of marriage, kids, and career growth. You may be married but have no kids, you may be a parent who stays home to raise kids, or you may have decided to stay focused on your career solely. Regardless, it's this middle chapter and what happens during it that will shape your attitudes about dating in your thirties, forties, fifties, and sixties, and beyond, which brings me to the last, and probably the best chapter in life. 

And that's the third chapter, which is mostly about yourself. During this time, you (hopefully) can look back at your life, what you've accomplished, and what you still hope to achieve. Unlike during the other periods in your life, this chapter doesn't involve what you can do for others (i.e., earning money to buy a house for your family, raising your kids, and amassing worldly possessions).  

Instead, this time often involves reflection about who you are in a philosophical sense and what you hold close. If that includes a romantic relationship, and you place a high value on it, then dear Reader, you are ready to date. Contact me today. I am here to help you start this next chapter off right — with someone special in it. 

How to Prepare for and Make the Best of a Very COVID Christmas

In "normal" times, i.e., before COVID, being single and dating around the holidays meant sometimes dealing with uncomfortable social situations. Remember the holiday party scene in "Bridget Jones' Diary" when Bridget had to field a slew of awkward questions at the dinner table about her dating life from fellow coupled guests?

It was excruciating for her and me as I watched, but I must say, I gave the girl credit. As much as she dreaded those parties, she went and put herself out there. So did her reindeer jumper-wearing future beau, Mark, who she kept running into at those parties.

Good thing those two shared a common trait, which is perseverance, something every successful dater has. So if you typically declined those holiday invitations, now's the perfect time to change your ways. Dating takes effort, beginning with showing up.

Now get off the couch and get dressed! Put on your big girl underpants and big boy boxers because you've got a holiday gathering (or five) coming up on your calendar, whether over Zoom or outside and socially distanced.

Do the holidays offer any advantages for clients looking to date?

Even in the middle of a pandemic, the answer is opportunity, opportunity, opportunity! How many times can I say it? A lot because it's true.

Look at every invitation you receive at holiday time as a gift, even if it's to a virtual event. Someone else is doing the work for you by putting together eclectic groups of people you may not ordinarily have a chance to meet or socialize with, even if they're people you already know from work, the neighborhood, or your children's school.

A holiday gathering can change the context of your interaction in a positive way, allowing you to get to know others in a more casual, personal manner. You're at a party, not a marketing or PTO meeting. 'Tis the season to be merry, so smile and RSVP yes!  

How has Covid-19 and social distancing rules affected dating, especially around the holiday season?

A COVID Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwaanza are new for everyone, so there's likely to be a lot of variation in how people choose to celebrate. What that means is you have the freedom to choose what makes you comfortable and what doesn't.

Holiday gatherings will be smaller this year, which can give you a prime opportunity to get to know the people you meet more intimately. They won't be distracted by lots of other guests, so you can use your chance meeting to either get to know the person you're conversing with better or put the word out there that you're single and looking to meet someone. 

Some holiday gatherings may not happen in person at all, which can also be to your advantage. If you're not clicking with the group on one particular Zoom holiday cocktail hour or party, feel free to leave after about 20 minutes. Just make sure you've given it the old college try before saying your goodbyes.

Be sure to connect with the organizer afterward, letting them know you're open to meeting someone in their network who may not have been on the call or someone who was and inquires about you after you all disconnect. The point is to make sure you're open and available, even if you're communicating through a screen.

Then log in to the next virtual holiday get-together, whose invite may still be collecting dust in your inbox. Meet as many people as you can, even online. It could very well lead to a meeting in real life.

 Don't get involved in any reindeer games.

Etiquette rules still apply, even during a pandemic when meeting someone may require a little more ingenuity and positivity on your part. So keep your relationship goals in sight and your standards high.

If someone treats you with disrespect, missing (virtual) dates, forgetting to call, or urging you to converse in a way that doesn't make you comfortable, pull the plug, literally. And remind yourself that the most valuable holiday gift you can give and receive this season is your best self.

5 Ideas for Singles to Stay Social While Socially Distant This Thanksgiving

As COVID-19 cases continue to rise, the CDC is advising people to spend Thanksgiving at home with those they live with and not to travel. For most, the advisory could make for a very small Thanksgiving feast, maybe even preparing dinner for one if you're single and living by yourself. It also could mean, just as you had to do with work, co-parenting, or dating, you have to re-envision how you celebrate the holiday this year.

For months now, I've been helping singles pivot their way through the COVID crisis. I've continually come up with creative solutions to keep single men and women social and open to meeting new people, even if it meant communicating over Zoom or while they're wearing a mask and standing six feet apart. Sure, it may have felt weird at first, and probably still does. But I've seen my clients rise to the occasion, thinking through more carefully what they want out of a potential relationship and make meaningful connections as a result.

Thanksgiving 2020 should be no different than any other new experience you've had to field this year. Just because you're socially distancing this holiday doesn't mean you can't still be social. Here are a few ideas.

Invite a guest or guests for a Zoom Thanksgiving.

Whether you're spending Thanksgiving by yourself or with a small group of family members or friends, consider virtually inviting a new romantic interest into your home for a Zoom dinner, dessert, or an after-dinner drink or coffee. How much interaction you allow your virtual guest to have with your in-person dinner mates, if you have any, will be entirely up to you.

Suppose you've been talking or going on socially distant dates for a little while. In that case, you may be more comfortable with this idea than if you recently met, which would probably make an after Thanksgiving drink or coffee the preferable option. The goal is to think outside the box. That means adjusting what you would've done in the past to this now unusual and unprecedented, typically social, holiday.

Remember, there are no mistakes, only experiments that may not work. But you won't know unless you try.

Cook together.

If you're not comfortable extending a virtual invitation for dinner, what about the hours leading up to the meal? Cooking Thanksgiving dinner takes a lot of prep time in the kitchen. What about setting up your computer or smartphone on the kitchen counter while you dice the carrots, celery, and onions for the stuffing? Or as you baste the turkey?

A cooking date is a fun way to interact with someone you've been dating in a non-public setting. By cooking together virtually, you can take advantage of this more intimate "get to know you" time in the comfort of each other's homes without any of the "pressures" that can accompany such a date in real life, and which you might not be ready for just yet.

 Slowing down the dating process can be beneficial. It can allow you to get to know the person you're dating more thoroughly and without the expectation that you will automatically take your relationship to the next level because you're in one of your homes.

 Order Thanksgiving to go.

So you're not skilled in the kitchen. And cooking isn't your thing. The good news is lots of restaurants, including some in your area, I'm confident, will be offering prepared menus specifically for Thanksgiving. It's been a rough year, and if your idea of a happy Thanksgiving means relaxing, then give yourself a break and have someone else prepare the meal for you. Doing so will also provide you with even more of an opportunity to share your time with someone you've just met or have begun speaking to recently.

Compare your favorite local haunts, where you like to go out with your friends or on dates, and give a nod toward the hopefully not so distant future when you can visit these places with them. The idea is to create an image of what dating you could be like while building rapport together.

Play an online game.

One of the benefits of Zoom, FaceTime, or Google Meet technology is how easy it is to bring multiple people into the same room for a trivia game or game of your choosing. Whether you're playing with numerous people or one-on-one, a game is an effective way to get to know each other in a relaxing setting.

I know people who host regularly occurring game nights with family members and friends who live all around the country. From trivia to Bingo to Scrabble, you can learn a lot about someone's personality from how they play a game. Are they intense? Competitive? Fun-loving? Funny? You may like what you see. Or you can save yourself from wasting more time going for the best of three.

Host a watch party.

Some streaming services like Netflix allow you to arrange watch parties, during which you can unmute yourself and "whisper" comments in each other's ear, almost like you would in a movie theater.

Similar to games, taste in movies can tell you a lot about a person while also giving you more to talk about with each other once the credits roll. Often, discussions about films can lead to exchanging stories about real life. Not to mention, if you both like watching movies as a pastime, it might become an activity you enjoy together in person — when the credits roll on 2020.

Would You Marry Someone Who Already Has Children?

Like many Americans, I turned on my TV to watch the DNC—

No, don't click away! I'm not here to talk about politics, I swear!

Anyway, I turned on my TV with the expectation to hear solely about politics, but the truth is that the world isn't divided into boxes, with each topic of discussion receiving its own box. Life is interdisciplinary, which gave me, the matchmaker, a different appreciation for Biden's speech when I listened to his account of the story about how he and his wife Jill met.

In case you didn't catch the speech, here's the rundown. Biden is a widower; his first wife and baby daughter were tragically killed in an auto accident, leaving him as a single father of his two surviving boys. He was single and focused on the kids for a while, and eventually, he met Jill. She needed to be sure she and he wanted to get married, and what an assumption of responsibility it would be to take on his children as well, which she was prepared for and willing to take on wholly and fully. The boys referred to her as Mom, versus Mommy, who died.

As a matchmaker, I warn my clients not to enter into these relationships lightly. It doesn't take much time or thought to express interest in someone online, especially if you're doing the bare minimum — sending a wink or swiping right. Choose your poison. I say poison because most online dating sites make it sinfully easy to get your foot in the door with a potential match, even if you only appear like matches on paper, and not in the flesh.

One such way this would occur is with the question of children. You and your potential match have excellent witty banter over text, and maybe even in person. But there's a catch: suppose you don't want children, but your potential match has children. When push comes to shove, you have two options: break things off now before they get serious, or accept your match and his children.

As is the case with the Biden family and most young-ish families, the match and their children are a package deal. You can't wish them away because they aren't going anywhere. Even if you intend to maintain a perpetually casual relationship, the children will always somehow creep into the dynamic of the relationship, whether it be your match needing to cancel because his son has the flu, or his daughter has a piano recital. A key thing to understand about parents is that their children will always come first (if they don't prioritize their children over their needs, that's a red flag, but that's beside the point).

There are many responsibilities a step-parent would need to take up. You would also need to prioritize your match's children's needs, as would be the case with your own one day. Additionally, if your match's ex is still alive, there would be the task of co-parenting, and the potential issues associated with that. And, of course, there's the seemingly feared and insurmountable obstacle of the possibility that, for whatever reason, your match's children dislike you (or maybe they do like you, but give you hell anyway).

As a potential match for that parent, you can either accept that the needs of the children will come first or move on to a child-free match. Still, I believe including single parents into your search expands your prospects for finding love, not only from the person but also from an entire family.

Dating someone who has children can be very difficult, but it can also be very rewarding. My philosophy is that it's more fulfilling to live in a world where there are more people to love and more people who love you. So, I encourage my clients to broaden their horizons and, if they're willing to date a man or woman who already has children, ask themselves whether they would be open toward that potential match as a long-term option.

These relationships don't usually come easy, and you have to realize that going into them. It could be for you. And it may not be, which is OK, too.

Is Your Relationship Based on COVID or Chemistry?

"So when are we going to meet you in person?" Sophie giggled as she looked coyly at the scruffy writer-type looking back at her through the iPhone screen. "It's been three months, and we definitely should all meet for drinks!"

Benji shrugged sheepishly, and with what she thought was a slight twinkle in his eye, said, "Definitely. Soon. I promise. Talk to you ladies later."

The call ended.

"See," Sophie said, handing the phone back to Carly, "everything's fine. He's going to ask you for plans."

Carly wasn't so sure, though, even about the twinkle in Benji's eye, which on second thought, may have been her imagination. Or the sun in his eye as he looked away from the camera to avoid looking at her.

Carly's second thought turned out to be the correct one. Two days later, Benji had "the talk" with Carly: he wasn't looking for anything serious and couldn't be the boyfriend she wanted.

Carly was shocked. It had already been three months. They seemed to be getting along so well — romantic dinners cooked in her apartment and lots of handholding during their frequent walks.

"But what about taking you to dinner?" Carly's mother had asked from time to time as the summer progressed as restaurants began to open for outdoor dining. "People are venturing out a little more, so why don't the two of you ever leave your apartment?"

A simple question and, if COVID-19 hadn't been masking it, one with a simple answer: Benji just wasn't that into Carly.

During the height of quarantine, Benji had found himself a "situationship," where he could Netflix and chill in the comfort of Carly's apartment, not take her out on dates, and not advance the relationship forward into a more serious one. All without having to answer for his actions or, as it appears, inactions.

What Carly had taken for chemistry was actually COVID-19 masking the same dating problems that existed pre-pandemic. It's why Carly dated a guy who wasn't serious about her for as long as she did. Looking back, Carly had missed the signs, the ones which would have made her cut ties with Benji after only a few dates: he didn't want to be seen publicly with Carly or spend money on their dates, and rarely invited her over.

More than six months into the pandemic, Carly's story is far from unique. COVID has created a cuffing season without end. Unless, of course, you're astute enough to end it yourself.

For those unfamiliar with the phenomenon, cuffing season, particularly in areas where there's a change of season, begins around October when the weather turns cold and the days get shorter. It ends around March or April as temperatures start to rise. In the interim, couples who ordinarily wouldn't stay together cuff themselves, keeping themselves warm until they can jump back in the dating pool without freezing their butts off going restaurant and bar hopping. During the winter months, all they want to do is stay warm at home under the covers, so they find someone — anyone — to keep them company there.

When COVID-19 appeared, even the spring weather couldn't get some of these people to uncuff, especially since dating in person these days comes with health risks and uncomfortable questions would-be daters must ask and answer to keep themselves safe. The result is many people have unwittingly found themselves in situationships that mask themselves as real relationships just like Carly did. Carly wasted valuable time with someone who didn't share the same interests and long-term goals or had her best interests at heart.

But shouldn't a warm body be enough for now?

I won't deny it: love involves making sacrifices sometimes. That is except when it comes to not getting the love you want and deserve, and COVID-19 is as bad an excuse as any for staying with someone who doesn't meet your expectations. So please do yourself a huge favor and take it out of the equation. Go back to who you were before the pandemic hit. Then ask yourself who you've become because of it, which should now be someone stronger — and wiser.

How COVID-19 Is Dividing Couples and What You Can Do to Stop It

As COVID-19 continues to spread and the pandemic looms on, it seems many couples are discovering another contagion in their lives — divorce. Couples are trapped at home together for months on end, so it’s not surprising that divorce rates around the world are on the rise. That said, the quarantine doesn’t have to spell divorce for you and your significant other. That is if you’re both willing to commit to saving your marriage.

From arguments about when to wear a mask or how to handle kids or teens going out to divvying up household chores, there’s often more deep-seated issues underlying a dispute. Address those head-on, and instead of fighting with your partner, you can give your marriage a fighting chance. Here’s how.

Listen to your partner’s thoughts about COVID-19.

As with any disagreement, resolving COVID-19-related conflicts requires mutual respect and understanding. In a pandemic especially, where health and wellbeing are at stake, it’s understandable to feel strongly about your position. To keep the peace and come to a resolution, hit the pause button. Then listen to what your partner has to say.

Though you may continue to disagree after hearing their perspective, you can help your relationship by allowing your partner to communicate what they’re thinking and feeling. You may even decide to give a little on some sticking points after hearing them out. More about that later. The key is to listen, really listen. How else can you expect to reach a mutual understanding?

Don’t dismiss what your spouse is saying or feeling.

After giving your partner the floor, don’t shelve his or her thoughts and feelings. There’s more to healthy communication than just listening. Take time to process their opinions and incorporate what your partner is saying into your thought process.

If your partner habitually dismissed you, you wouldn’t feel valued by them. Nor would you feel like you had any power in the relationship. Nothing contributes to the collapse of a marriage faster than feeling unheard, so it’s essential to keep the lines of communication open during every discussion — even the ones about COVID-19.

Be respectful, even if you don’t agree.

Suppose you still disagree with your partner’s perspective on how to tackle a particular issue. The way you phrase your argument is critical here.

Instead of saying, “You’re stupid for thinking this,” say something along the lines of “Well, I think this.” When debating an issue, stick to the facts. Once you resort to personal attacks, the argument will escalate, and you will be putting your relationship in jeopardy.

Compromise (figure out what you can give a little on).

You can’t always win or lose in a relationship. Instead, you need to be able to meet somewhere in the middle on specific issues. A COVID-19-related example would be that you want to go out for dinner, but your partner is hesitant to take the risk.

Perhaps you can come up with a scenario that works for both of you, like agreeing to order in and heat the food up in the oven for an additional few minutes. Or choose a restaurant with outdoor dining and tables spaced apart enough so that your partner feels comfortable.

I am a staunch believer in compromise. Relationships require negotiation, and sometimes you need to give in on some issues to maximize happiness. That includes your own.

Ask yourself if your disputes are about COVID-19 or something more profound.

Sometimes a conflict is surface level, such as whether to order Italian or Chinese food for dinner. But sometimes disputes are brought about by an underlying conflict. In this instance, you want Italian food, and your partner wants Chinese. But they will not budge no matter what you say, which always seems to happen in your relationship.

The inability to compromise indicates the presence of an underlying conflict. Perhaps your partner feels unheard in other areas of your relationship. Or they are angry about something else and behaving passive-aggressively as a result.

With healthy communication or potentially even marriage and relationship counseling, you can tackle these problems while you have the time to, particularly since you’re spending more time at home anyhow. In other words, put your time together to good use.

Determine if your marriage is worth saving.

It may not feel like it now, but the coronavirus crisis will eventually come to an end. Ultimately, the conflicts you have about whether it’s safe to go out for dinner, go for a walk without a mask, or which candidate you will vote for in the upcoming election will fade. When that happens, ask yourself, “What will remain of my relationship?”

If the answer is, “The love and respect I have for my partner and the life we’ve built together,” then get to work. If your marriage is sick but worth saving, take steps to protect it, just as you would when you go outside now. Pandemic or not, good health begins at home.

6 Creepy COVID-Related Dating Behaviors

Early dates come with surprises around every corner, not all of them good. Some are so bizarre they can cause daters to jump out of sheer shock. Fear of the unknown is common, and the mix of anxiety you may experience from trying to make a good impression while opening yourself up to someone you don't know well can be enough to make your skin crawl.

 Throw in a pandemic, and what you could generally chalk up to weird dating behaviors have now made people appear like they're going batshit crazy. Yes, the virus itself is scary. But as a matchmaker, I would argue that even more hair-raising are the less explored effects the virus is having on dating.

 Here are a few to make you shake in your boots.

 1. The Covid Goodbye

 Figuring out how to part ways at the end of a date is tricky. Should you wave before going your separate ways? Hug? Lean in for a kiss? After reading cues throughout the date, you finally approach. In "normal" times, whether you get that goodbye right is hit or miss.

 During a pandemic, all bets are off because masks are on, making it harder for couples to gauge how they feel about each other. After all, if you're strolling around town wearing a face covering, it's hard to read your date's expressions. Body language goes a long way toward communicating and creating attraction.

 Or, as I explain in a previous article, if you just enjoyed a socially distanced date with your masks off and then put them on right before you stand up to say goodbye, your signals could get crossed. Your date may very well like you and but, instead, becomes apprehensive because of the risk of catching COVID. Understandable.

 So you end up exchanging an awkward nod, or worse, an elbow bump. Then, without knowing what the hell just happened, you leave the scene of the crime, along with your budding relationship, which is now dead in the water.

 2. COVID sex

 Earlier this year, New York State released guidelines on how to practice safe sex during the pandemic. Oregon followed with an infographic, taking it to a new level of ick. Some of the highlights included tips about masturbation and— Well, you can read the rest on your own. While these instructionals are cringeworthy, they introduce the broader and more critical question about how best to approach sex during COVID times.

 While these mysteries are already hard enough to solve during non-COVID times, does a pandemic justify bringing one of New York's most eligible bachelors, Governor Andrew Cuomo, into your bedroom with his advice about how to navigate your sex life? I guess that depends on who you ask. But I digress.

 For most people, this level of direction is a little freaky.

 3. Getting dressed for Zoom dates

 One of the more stressful parts of going on a date, especially for women, is figuring out what to wear. Pre-COVID, single women often described spending hours rifling through their closets to find the perfect outfit.

 But what happens when dates are going to be socially distant over Zoom? Is there still a point in spending hours doing hair and makeup and laboring over which cute dress to pull out of the closet, especially if your date will only see your upper body?

 More and more, daters have taken to wearing a nice top with pajama pants, or boxers, with no one the wiser. That is until you stand up by mistake to refill your coffee cup or wine glass. Eeek.

 4. Pet introductions

 Are you ready for a threesome? Probably not. But your pet might be. They won't think twice about getting in on the action by barking in the background or, in the case of cats, walking across your keyboard. Here's the thing: among daters, not all pets are created equal.

 As I discussed in another recent blog post, there's a strong bias against men who have cats. The same holds for women; recall the crazy cat lady trope, which causes many men concern. Brace yourself: that black cat crossing your path screen may spell bad luck for you — and your new relationship, too.

 5. Getting the lay of the land too soon.

 Another thrill of dating someone new is when you see where they live for the first time. In a way, virtual dating spoils that thrill. When you're on Zoom dates, you will most likely see various rooms in their home off in the background before ever setting foot inside.

 On the other hand, if your date decides to use a green screen, it may make you wonder what they're hiding by not showing what's behind them. Is your date's home messy? Does someone else live there, like a partner or spouse, or, God forbid, their mom?

 6. The "cheap" of birds.

 No, it's not an Alfred Hitchcock movie. It's a little birdie whispering in your ear, questioning whether your date is cheap, enjoying these freebie dates a little too much. With virtual dating, the money meter all but dissipates. Video chatting is inexpensive, especially if you're already paying for a video service or getting one through work, alleviating the age-old question of who's paying for dinner.

 It's no secret going on dates gets pricey after a while, especially for men who bear the brunt of the expense during the first few dates or early stages of a relationship. Dating requires a monetary investment, filtering out guys uninterested in pursuing anything serious with you by default.

 Though not a foolproof method for showing genuine interest, invested men are usually willing to reach into their wallets. The same goes for women, who happily shell out for traveling expenses to see guys they like. Or to make them homecooked meals. For the ungrateful guy, these are expenditures that often go unnoticed and, accordingly, unappreciated.

 It's also why how much money each person contributes to a relationship should be cause for discussion, at least in relationships destined to succeed. Better to be open and honest about money from the beginning, even if, for now, you're Zoom dating. There is a caveat: dating should never be a quid pro quo, so beware of the dater who makes it one. Thanks to the slowdown in casual dating caused by the pandemic, you have plenty of time to chat about it.

 A discussion, however, doesn't mean you won't wind up disappointed. Because you don't need much effort to turn on your Zoom camera and chat for a couple of hours every week, you still run the risk of somebody wasting your time. The commitment needed for virtual dates is low, which means instead of listening to the "cheap" of birds, you may soon be hearing crickets, the scene in horror movies when the latest victim usually gets the ax.

 Good thing your cat with nine lives taught you that your dating life has far more, including the opportunity to meet someone better in your next one.

Getting the Conversation Started: How to Relax and Open Up on Dates

So you've spent the past days or weeks texting, emailing (yes, people still do this!), and talking to a match. Now you're finally meeting face to face, in the flesh. But then it strikes you: this person is essentially a stranger, a stranger with whom you have just agreed to spend time with for a drink, meal, or outing.

Yes, you've been chatting online and on the phone, getting to know each other. But that's not the same as meeting in person where you can gauge whether or not you have any chemistry with one another. In real life, your match is still very much a variable — an unknown.

So, when you meet for the first time, how do you get past that initial awkwardness? You know, the limbo where you feel compelled to be friendly and affectionate because this is "a date," but know acting too familiar could make you come off creepy and weird.

As a matchmaker who utilizes a combination of matchmaking databases, online dating, and the latest scientific studies in the world of romance and dating to help my clients find love, the first-meeting-chilliness is a problem I've had to coach my clients through regularly. There's just no getting around the fact that when you meet your online match in person for the first time, they're not much more familiar to you than someone you met that night simply because an in-person meeting is multidimensional.

You can see your date's facial expressions and body language, hear the intonation in their voice more clearly, even smell them (which, hopefully, doesn't offend you). It's a lot to take in and can all be overwhelming. Fortunately, I have a few strategies to help you break the ice on a first date, putting both of you at ease.

Make use of small talk.

Ugh, yeah, I know. Small talk can be the worst. You want to get right into the meaty, exciting conversations and back to the witty banter you've exchanged over text. But that's like going to the gym and instantly doing high-intensity-interval-training without doing some warmups first. You're going to wind up pulling a muscle — or making your date feel uncomfortable.

So why should you waste your first impression with a new match by talking about what you perceive as nonsense? Like warmups for exercise, small talk gets your body, which is in a state of rest, into a state of activity. Then, once you spend some time talking about how your day has been or what the traffic was like on the way to the restaurant, the hope is you and your date will feel acquainted enough to begin engaging in conversations that are a little more personal.

Ask plenty of questions.

Once you run out of introductions and small talk and your blood is pumping, ready for the main workout, it's time to get to know your date. And what better way is there to do that than to ask him or her questions?

People generally love to talk about themselves, and they will love talking to you more when you listen to them talk about themselves. So your questions will serve a dual purpose: you get to know your date, and your date gets to enjoy your company.

Talk about yourself, too.

I advise my clients to prepare for a first date the way they would an interview. If you think about it, a first date serves as an interview for the position of "boyfriend" or "girlfriend." Just as you are on this date to get to know your match, your match wants to have the chance to get to know you. Use the information your date tells you about himself or herself to put your best foot forward and start conversations you both could enjoy.

As you listen to your match, discuss their interests, finding some common ground for relatability. Suppose you both like to hike. Talk about your favorite hiking trails or where you would like one day like to visit. Now you have bonded over a specific area of interest, helping you feel that much more familiar with each other.

One caveat: you may want to think about excluding some topics from your conversations. Those include money, politics, religion, exes, and dysfunctional family dynamics. There will be plenty of time for those talks later, hopefully over cocktails or wine if things work out. Remember, if you do touch on these subjects, there's never an excuse for treating others with disrespect. 

Don't just tell stories, be a storyteller.

I believe that individual life experiences make us unique while making us relatable to others. As you listen to chapters and anecdotes from someone else's life story, you get to know who they are in a fundamental sense, particularly what they value. This information helps you form a meaningful understanding of that person.

It's why I advise clients to keep a selection of stories to share at the forefront of their minds. No, I'm not referring to the one about your divorce (save that for the tenth date, at least!). Instead, talk about the time you went to Las Vegas and met some crazy person on the strip at 3 a.m. How did you react? The funnier, the better.

I don't expect you to create a list of canned stories to tell in your mind. Instead, as you have a conversation with your date about, say, when your steak will be ready, let the random memory of that delicious steak you once had come to mind, and tell a story around it. You'd be surprised how the most insignificant memory can spur a laugh and bonding moment.

Final thoughts.

Even if you start your date feeling nervous, as you go through your itinerary (I say itinerary rather than script because, in my mind, itineraries leave more room for flexibility), a relaxed feeling will naturally come over you. If it doesn't, you should, of course, trust your gut. The truth is most people you meet will not be for you or you for them. But that doesn't mean you can't have an enjoyable time together.

The skill of being a good first date is not too different from that of being a good dinner host. The ability to break the ice and be friendly and warm using small talk, a healthy back and forth, and telling stories will help bridge the gap between those who arrive as strangers at the start of the night and leave as friends by the end of it. As we all know, it's often how the best relationships begin.

COVID and Cuffing Season: Should You Settle for Just Good Enough?

By now, we all know what Covid is, but how about "cuffing season"? In popular culture, it's a term used to refer to the winter months when many people find themselves longing for someone to snuggle with by the fire, kiss under the mistletoe or on New Year's Eve, and generally spend time with during those cold, dark, and dreary winter months. The difference between cuffing and a real relationship is that one or both people wouldn't be with each other if the weather were warmer, and they had something better to do with someone they liked more.

Those looking for relationships aren't the only ones susceptible to cuffing season. People who are generally content with being single during the warmer months also cuff. The cold(er) weather can cause even the most independent people to feel lonely and desperate for companionship, even if they typically wouldn't want that much of it.

In 2020 (of course), it's different.

For starters, it's unclear how many people who should've uncuffed after last winter did. For the folks first catching onto the phenomenon and desperately looking for that semi-special someone to pick apples and sip their pumpkin spice lattes with, cuffing season has only begun to rear its ugly head, for them, and as a matchmaker, me. Except for this year, there's another incentive for people to cuff or stay that way: COVID.

Because of the pandemic, the way people date has changed. Yes, it can feel more difficult, but that doesn't mean dating has become impossible or necessarily worse. Sometimes, different can be better, and there are definite advantages to dating during this time.

So even if you feel inclined to stay with someone who you wouldn't during "normal times," or during a so-called regular cuffing season, you shouldn't now, just because of the appearance of COVID. In other words, COVID (and anything else going on in the world) should never present an additional reason to justify cuffing to someone you like only enough.

Ask yourself these questions instead.

If times were good, would I still be with this person?

Suppose you were already considering leaving your partner, and then boom, the pandemic hit, so you decided to stay. Was that decision because you came to realize on your terms that you want to be with your partner, or was your motivation purely external, i.e., the pandemic?

If your answer is "the pandemic made me do it," then you may want to consider whether the relationship you're in is worth you spending another season, albeit cuffing season, in it.

Am I in my relationship out of loneliness or boredom?

Part of being in a healthy relationship is knowing what you're looking to get from it. Do you want something serious? Casual? Something in specific, like companionship or marriage and children?

If, after some self-reflection, you find that you're in your relationship because you're merely afraid of being alone, or because you're bored, it would probably be in your best interest (as well as your partner's, who will likely end up with a broken heart regardless of whether you stay or go) to take some time for yourself and learn to be your own person before committing to a relationship again. Cuffing isn't fair to the person you've cuffed yourself to or you.

Have I taken the time to work on myself and evaluate my priorities?

Despite what the holiday Hallmark movies may tell you, being single during the holiday season isn't the worst thing that could happen to you.

The holidays can present fantastic opportunities to meet new people and get to know others better in your professional and social circles. These situations can expand your interests — and horizons. They can also be a time to evaluate your priorities and work on any issues you believe are holding you back. Any time of year is, so why not now?

Am I willing to overcome my fear of being single for a while in exchange for the opportunity to find a more fulfilling relationship?

Seriously, being unpartnered during the holiday season isn't the end of the world. But staying in a relationship that leaves you feeling unfulfilled and, in extreme situations, unhappy is a colossal waste of your time. By uncuffing yourself from a relationship that doesn't bring you happiness as it should, you can re-evaluate who you are without this person in your life, including what you like to do in your free time, with whom, and where you see yourself one day.

Even though we're in the throes of a pandemic, there are still many occasions to meet like-mind singles. You may have to seek those opportunities out a little more now in addition to making adjustments to how you dated in the past, but it's important to remember there can still be love in your future if you take steps toward it. That begins with being in a frame of mind and position where you can find love — whether outside of a relationship or in one.

How Do You Part Ways After a Date During COVID?

He was really great! We sat six feet apart on a park bench in Washington Square Park, drinking our coffees and eating our blueberry muffins. He loves blueberries, just like I do.

We spoke for almost two hours about where we had traveled, our kids, and exchanged our favorite book titles. We even talked about this farm in Pennsylvania that he knew of where we could pick blueberries. I was super excited.

A little while later, we stood up to say goodbye, and it just got all weird. He gave me some awkward wave and said, "This was fun. I'll talk to you soon." He had his mask on, and I couldn't see his face. I totally thought he was into me during the date, but now I'm not so sure.

It's an all too familiar assessment these days and, after nearly three decades as a matchmaker, no surprise to me. Parting ways on a first date presents a critical moment, even in "normal," pre-COVID times. If a date seemed to have gone well, both participants would then have a small window of opportunity before saying goodbye to either express their interest in seeing each other again or signal that they had reached the end of the road.

Of course, as anyone who's ever been out on a date before or seen a rom-com knows, there's also that nagging third scenario, the one the current pandemic has caused to become more exaggerated. It's where you both want to put another date on the calendar, but because of some barrier to communication, you leave feeling confused and unsure how the other person feels.

That barrier can be shyness, insecurity, or something more tangible like, say, a mask, which may be the precise culprit for confusing our Washington Square dater above. And if someone (whether me or you) doesn't jump in fast to keep her head in the game, the off-putting feeling she got post-date may turn into the death knell of an otherwise promising connection, with one or neither of them reaching out to the other afterward.

But first, let me make it clear: I'm all for wearing a mask on a date, obviously unless you're drinking or eating. Wearing a mask is a necessary precaution to keep coronavirus from spreading, so if you choose to leave it on during the entire date or distance yourself enough to feel comfortable taking it off, the right answer is always protecting yourself and those around you.

That said, in this new reality of mask-wearing, you will have to make adjustments about how you present social clues to others, especially to someone who doesn't know you well or is meeting you for the first time. Wearing a mask while saying goodbye on a date can make an already potentially awkward situation more awkward. It's why I tell my clients to say goodbye before getting up to leave, especially if they aren't wearing a mask during the date.

Human beings are social creatures. We use more than just words to show our interest and to read whether someone is interested in us. A big part of this is our facial expressions, most of which remain hidden under a mask. So if you're having a great time and sense that the end of the date is near, throw out the question you may have asked on the way to the car or under the porch light: Would you like to go out with me again? Because I'm betting your date will be more open to accepting that invitation if it comes with a smile instead of an elbow bump.

And by chance, if your date still ends on a strange note as it did for our New York City couple, you may want to consider cutting each other a little more slack than you would ordinarily. We still have a lot to learn about COVID, including how to date in its midst — safely and successfully.

The Long and the Short of Why You Should Date a Guy Who’s Shorter Than You

He's cute. He's nice. He's smart. He's interesting. He's funny. By all accounts, he's a great guy. So why in the world is the girl he's into friend-zoning him?  

The answer is simple and obvious for single guys like him: he's short. And she, the object of his affection, is taller. 

It's the challenge faced by Jack Dunkleman (Griffin Gluck) in the 2019 Netflix hit movie, "Tall Girl." In this heartwarming film, tall girl Jodi (Ava Michelle), faces daily ridicule from classmates for her towering height. At six-one, she's the tallest girl at school, leaving a school population that includes no one taller than her, especially in heels.  

That is, until the handsome Swedish foreign exchange student, Stig Mohlin (Luke Eisner), shows up in class one day. And Jodi gets a lesson in what matters when looking for a relationship and, well, what doesn't. 

Or shouldn't. 

As a matchmaker, I hear it all the time. I want a guy who's taller than me. He must be at least six feet. No short guys! 

It's not just small talk (pun intended) from these gals, either. They're serious about what they want. According to a 2014 study conducted by researchers at Rice University, 48.9 percent of women said they only wanted to date men taller than them. With only 14.5 percent of American men clocking in at six feet and above, for the woman who's a stickler about height, it can mean a lot of Saturday nights alone. 

As for the five-foot nine-inch male's female counterpart, her average adjusted height came in at five feet four inches. With five inches separating the average sizes of the two genders, theoretically, there should be plenty of men for women to choose from. Even so, there are still plenty of women who won't entertain the idea of dating a short guy.  

And for what?    

I have news for you, ladies: You're selling yourself short (pun still intended). By swiping left on guys who fall below some arbitrary height requirement, even if they’re still taller than you are, you might be overlooking your dream guy. Here's why you should give that short guy a shot. 

You can be the big spoon. 

Sure, it's a wonderful feeling to have someone's arms wrapped around you. But it's also great to wrap your arms around someone you care about, and your short guy is the perfect size for snuggling. Just like guys, spoons come in different sizes.  

The correlation between height and penis size is unclear. 

But is he short everywhere? A 1993 study concluded: not necessarily. A guy's height and shoe size may mean nothing more than that he pays more for his Air Jordans.  

He wants you to wear those heels. 

Um, he's short, not dead. Of course, he wants to see you look your sexiest. If that means strutting your stuff in your favorite Manolos, break them out and watch him swoon. You're a goddess at any height. A short guy knows that better than anyone.  

He's confident. 

He may not be big in stature, but he's big in personality. Early on, he realized that his height wouldn't cause people to take notice, but being outgoing and fun would. Are you noticing that short guy yet? 

You're confident, too. 

You know jerks, like good guys, come in all shapes and sizes. So you've got no time for women who say they'd never date a short guy because that means they never have.  

If you're looking for advice about dating a short guy, I'm sure Tracy Pollan, Cameron Diaz, and Nicole Kidman will be happy to give you some, which I'm guessing by the rings on their fingers, will be short and sweet. 

Sarmassophobia: How Your Fear of Dating Is Holding You Back

There are many reasons why people claim they have little to no interest in dating. The excuses range anywhere from the effort it takes to the expense (time and money) and includes everything in between. You name it, I've heard it before. But once you scratch the surface, the reason usually comes down to one — fear.

Fear of dating and relationships, or sarmassophobia, is defined literally as a fear of love play. It "presents" as a fear of social situations, objects, and people who engage in behavior typical of romantic interactions. That includes flirting, kissing, and, yes, dating. It's often the reason people say they're happier being single or their life is so full there's no room for anyone else, particularly a partner, in it.

Fortunately, as Franklin Delano Roosevelt said in his inaugural address, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Once I open my clients' eyes to what's at the root of their hesitation, we get to work on facing what's scaring them most.

It's OK to feel afraid.

After working with hundreds of eligible singles, I understand dating can be daunting at first and why people fear it. It can be hard to put yourself out there, be scrutinized and judged by others, and risk getting hurt, especially if someone's hurt you before. It's not easy. And I get why some people would want to avoid it. But what I remind my clients is that the reward can far exceed the risk.

The difference between rational and irrational fears is that the latter prevents us from living our lives to the fullest. A life without love, whether you're talking about your soulmate or a partner to go to the movies with or out to dinner, is a life you can make more enjoyable simply by adding the right person into it. But it does require a small leap of faith. And sometimes some work before making it.

How can one overcome a fear of dating?

The best way to overcome your fear of dating is to get to the root of why you're afraid. I like to get to know my clients. We have heart-to-heart talks. We discuss whatever they're comfortable with that will give me added insight into not only who they're looking for but, even more importantly, who they are.

These discussions can include their past relationships, childhood, whatever makes them tick. Often, my clients learn something new about themselves in the process. And if they need to supplement with a mental help professional, such as a therapist, I support them doing so. We never stop growing, even later in life, when we think we have all the answers.

Why does one develop a fear of dating?

The biggest reason I've found why my clients fear dating is the likelihood of being rejected. Because of online dating, there is a much stronger emphasis on what a person looks like when choosing matches.

Also, there appear to be so many more options, spurring the idea that you can swipe and get another match if you don't like the one before it. But the amount of choice is an illusion. I've had so many clients still say to me there's no one out there to date. Of course, I know better.

I help my clients limit the pool by assisting them in making informed choices. I help them pick people who would likely also select them and who they may not choose themselves. Sure, everyone has to deal with rejection, but together we come at the process from a position of confidence — and, as a result, strength.

How a matchmaker can help.

The answer in a word is priorities. When you use a skilled, experienced matchmaker, that person will make you their number one, regardless of how many people they're helping. My clients are my priority. I recognize how emotional looking for love can be, and because of that, I make sure I'm here for my clients whenever they need me to be, day or night, seven days a week.

I support my clients, and, in return, my clients support me by being an integral part of the process. When they're in it to win, to find the love they want, that's when the magic happens. It may sound corny, but after 30 years in the business, I know one thing for sure: love wins. But first, you have to get into the game.

What Makes a Great Relationship: Study

We can talk for hours and hours about what makes a relationship terrible, the red flags to look out for when entering a relationship, or even when to know when it's time to call it quits. But I feel as though people in my field don't spend nearly enough time talking about what makes a relationship successful. I think that limitation stems from a tendency towards pessimism: people tend to focus on the bad, but not the good. 

Today, let's switch things up and focus on what makes a relationship more likely to survive. What factors predict the ability of a relationship to develop into something great? Is it personality? Attraction? Similar beliefs? Some combination? Or none of the above?  

A recent article published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America tackles these questions. The researchers used machine learning to determine the extent to which we can quantifiably predict a relationship's success and which factors of a relationship contribute to it.  

To compile their data, the researchers studied 11,196 couples across 43 different studies. They interviewed couples at least twice over several months, sometimes years, about what they believe factors into creating a healthy relationship. The top relationship predictors for the quality of a relationship are the following: perceived commitment of a partner, appreciation in a relationship, sexual satisfaction, perceived satisfaction of a partner, and the amount of conflict. The predictors for individual differences include satisfaction in life, negative affect, depression, and avoidant and anxious attachments. 

The study found that the relationship's characteristics have a much stronger impact on the success of the relationship than the individual characteristics of the people within the relationship. It's not necessarily the person you choose to be in a relationship with that matters in creating a successful relationship but, instead, the dynamic the two of you build in that relationship. A strong relationship, it appears, is more than the sum of its parts. 

As a matchmaker, it would seem these results should be mind-blowing. After all, matchmakers and online dating websites cater to individuals looking for the "one" or their soulmate. For me, the first thing that comes to mind is all of those personality quizzes and fill-in online dating profiles that seem to be gaining traction, where compatibility is ranked by how much you have in common with someone else. Indeed, literature and film romanticize the idea of soulmates. However, the results of this study are, in reality, consistent with my method of matchmaking, not a rom-com. 

When finding matches for my clients, I don't look for a soulmate. Instead, I look for a person who shares the same long-term goals as my client. As this study reveals, there needs to be a compatible relationship dynamic, and sharing similar goals is critical to forging that dynamic.  

The study further suggested that individual characteristics could affect relationships on an individual level, though not for all relationships. Therefore finding matches with similar interests as a foundation for a strong dynamic is still useful. However, it's not the primary factor in finding a great relationship and not the main one I focus on when making matches. 

You cannot reduce a healthy relationship to a definition of spending time together. A relationship is "good" when two individuals become one unit, practicing a balance of give and take. A couple ultimately forms a strong dynamic of mutual love and respect when they help each other achieve their long-term goals, as a couple and as individuals. The caveat: that potential doesn't usually come through in an online dating profile when you list only your interests and basic characteristics.  

The closest indicator of whether you've found a solid match, and eventually, a great relationship, would be the presence of shared goals. When seeking a relationship, I advise my clients to do their best not to judge how individuals like to spend their time or what toppings on their pizza they prefer. Instead, they should evaluate the quality of the relationship they could potentially build — together. And order the pepperoni on half the pie.