Are You Always the ‘Fixer’ in Your Relationships?

Fundamentally, a relationship with a fixer resembles a project. You meet someone who’s going through some fundamental struggles, whether emotionally, financially, or otherwise, so you take it upon yourself to fix their problems. Your partner’s happiness is your onus; you must do whatever it takes to minimize their pain and maximize their happiness. If they are facing a struggle, you make it your obligation to swoop in and save the day. After all, you are their partner, and they need you.

In the event your relationship ends, your conclusion might be that you simply didn’t try hard enough to save your partner. Then, inevitably, you stumble across someone else who you perceive to need saving, and another hero-victim relationship ensues. 

How does someone become a fixer?

There’s no single way that someone becomes a fixer, though the relationship pattern can be explained by attachment theory. Attachment theory suggests that the relationship children have with their parents at a young age can play a role in how they perceive relationships as adults. 

For instance, a child who has an emotionally unstable relationship with their parents, in which they are parentified or have to earn the love of their parents, being forced to put the needs of others above their own, may result in them developing a fixer mindset as an adult. Meaning that they will continue the pattern of absolute selflessness and codependency in their relationships as adults because it is what they were taught is normal growing up.

Why is this potentially a bad thing?

On paper, it might sound like a good thing that you want to do whatever it takes to fix your partner. After all, in your mind, if you love your partner, you should want them to be the very best they can be, aspiring to perfection. And by selflessly helping them, you perceive yourself to be cultivating their growth.

However, you must stop to ask yourself about your needs. Relationships are a two-way street, with an exchange of giving and taking. You give and give, but do you ever receive? You may feel as though you are losing your core sense of self in your relationship. You may completely lack boundaries, with “no” being the most menacing word in the dictionary. In other words, you’re taking on another person’s woes, which neglects the issues that you’re facing, chipping away at your mental health, boundaries, and self-esteem over time.

You may make the argument that you do not mind existing for the needs of others. You’re a martyr, after all. That being said, it’s also counterintuitive to the emotional growth of your partner to be a fixer in your relationship. It’s deeply painful to see our partners hurt and struggling, which is why we may feel the urge to swoop in and make things better for them. But pain is an effective teacher; sometimes, we have to make our own mistakes just so we can learn from them. Or sometimes, we need to solve our problems on our own and establish healthy boundaries. 

Your partner may want you to give them space so that they can take the time to reflect and learn and ultimately come back stronger. That would likely be the mindset of a partner with healthier boundaries. Fixers have a tendency to attract partners with an unhealthy mindset, pathologically wrought with problems, which results in them using you, establishing a codependent dynamic, and also potentially putting the fixer at risk for narcissistic abuse.

What can you do to not be a fixer anymore?

The first step to fixing the fixer mindset is recognizing it. If you see this set of tendencies in yourself, then the very next person you should aim to fix is yourself. You may need to undergo deep self-reflection. It will likely be uncomfortable, as you will have to ask yourself what made you the way that you are. You may have to face childhood trauma, issues with your mother or father, and other formative childhood events that may have ingrained the fixer mindset in you. 

The path to ridding yourself of the fixer mentality is to reinforce within yourself that you deserve to be loved and cherished and that it’s not your duty to fix the person you’re dating. You could be able to achieve this realization through self-reflection, by talking to a trusted confidante, or by seeking the aid of a mental health professional.

While developing the theoretical understanding of who you are, you will need practical tools to aid you in your everyday relationship to steer you away from fixing. How? Well, to put it simply, stop fixing your partner. This can feel difficult and foreign at first, but you may need to take a step back and tell yourself that there’s nothing more you can do but be a shoulder to lean on for them 

Give your partner the love and support they need, but let them solve their conflicts on their own. Learn to establish boundaries. Remember, it’s OK to say no. Take care of who you are, and cultivate your sense of identity beyond your savior mindset. 

Once you fix yourself, you will then be in a prime position to attract others with similar relationship values. Your partner should be someone who looks to support you and help you grow, but not fix you altogether. You should be the same for them.

When They Say They’re Not Ready for a Relationship

Set the scene. You’ve been seeing the same person for a few weeks or even months now, and you feel the “deadline” of whether you should be becoming exclusive or not barreling toward you like an oncoming train. It takes you time to muster up the courage to ask, and when you finally do, with full gravity and a hint of relief, they tell you that they’re not ready for a relationship.  

All of a sudden, your imaginary scenarios of being happy with this person, perhaps even idealizations of the distant future, come to a screeching halt. What should you do now? 

Look at the behavior. 

Be honest with yourself: How is your dynamic? Are you always the one initiating conversations? Do they go days or sometimes weeks between dates or even talking to you? Do you hear from them during business hours or only late at night? Does it feel like you are at the bottom of their priorities, like they have time for everyone else in the world, but for you, their work schedule has been pretty hectic lately? 

Listen to your gut. When someone wants to be with you, you shouldn't need to ask these questions. You will know from their enthusiasm about dating you how they feel. And if you would like clarification anyway, if they’re as enthusiastic as they’re acting, they will give it to you, willingly. Everyone makes room for what matters in their lives, no matter how bad they claim they are at time management.  

However, if it feels like you’re the one pursuing them and that they’re disinterested in you, then the act of them telling you they’re not ready for a relationship is most likely their way of breaking things off. They’re letting you off easy, basically saying “It’s not you, it’s me” without even saying it.  

For whatever reason (and it shouldn’t matter to you what that reason is, only that there is one), they think you’re incompatible for the long haul, so do not give them any more mental space. Wish them the best, and move on to someone who actually is compatible with you, wanting what you do. 

Evaluate whether their words match their actions.  

What if they say they’re not ready for a committed relationship but like the way things are right now? Or they’ve already said “I love you,” “I want to be with you,” etc. but still don’t want a relationship right now. The answer is also simple but might not be what you want to hear. And that is either they don’t understand the significance of their words, or they do understand and are saying them to manipulate you into sticking around until they find someone they perceive to be better. 

“I love you” might be three words, but many consider the act of saying those words as highly significant in meaning. However, words must still match actions. If someone says they love you and want to keep seeing you, their actions should say the same. It’s a contradiction to say these words of affection and then be OK with the risk of losing you forever by saying they don’t want to commit to you.  

Another possibility is that the person you’re seeing is new to relationships and in over their head. Or, worse, they’re deliberately breadcrumbing you with words to keep you satisfied with as little as possible until they make up their mind about you, as in whether to eventually settle for you or pull the plug and pursue someone else.  

Unfortunately, none of these scenarios serve you, only them. The answer is, therefore, to move forward and find someone who will reciprocate your interest.   

Consider the male versus female mind.  

When looking for a long-term partner, men and women tend to have different mindsets. Women usually look for their Prince Charming, someone who checks off all their boxes and sweeps them off of their feet into a romantic happily ever after.  

Men, however, can meet woman after woman and not feel ready to settle down until a switch flips in their brain — perhaps all of their friends are beginning to settle down — and then marry the next woman they meet, perfect for them or not. Or they let a woman get away who could’ve been “wife material” and, instead, looked upon her in retrospect as the one who taught them how to be better, and the one who readied them for their next relationship, the serious, committed one. 

Ask yourself what you would do. 

Put yourself in the mind of someone who wants to be in a relationship. This should be easy to do, under the assumption that you want to be in a relationship with the person who claims to not be ready. When you want to be with someone, you would do whatever it takes to be with them, or at least not do things that would potentially scare them away, such as saying that you’re not ready to be in a relationship. 

If you truly want to be in a relationship with someone, you wouldn’t tell them you aren’t ready just for the sake of it. If you say these things, the reality is you’re saying what you mean. So if someone is saying these words to you, listen to them. And listen to me — you can do better.  

What Is Gaslighting and How Should You Address it in a Relationship?

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation in which someone deliberately tries to make you question your reality. It is typically seen with significant others and family members, but it can also occur between friends and even in the workplace. Gaslighting in any relationship is deeply problematic, as it is a sign that you are being victimized, specifically, emotionally abused. 

This form of emotional abuse can appear in a variety of forms. The gaslighter may minimize your feelings, telling you you are overreacting to an issue. They may question your memory, deny that an event occurred, fabricate new details, and even spin the event in question to place you at the point of blame. Alternatively, the gaslighter may claim not to remember the event at all.  

If you try to have a discussion with a gaslighter about something that happened, they may likewise refuse to do so or claim that you are trying to confuse them. And, if you do manage to get your point across, they may suddenly change the subject. In conversations with others, they may claim that you are forgetful and unable to recall events correctly or tend to make things up, tarnishing your credibility.  

So how do you protect yourself against such an individual? Here is what you need to know about gaslighting and how not to be a victim of it.

Why do people gaslight? 

The person gaslighting you wants you to doubt yourself and feel unsure about reality. The purpose of gaslighting you is to protect their image. It enables them to maintain power and control over you in your relationship, degrading your self-esteem and ability to perceive the world, including their abusive behaviors, as well as preventing you from being able to hold them accountable for their wrongdoing.  

People who gaslight may lack the ability to introspect or reflect upon their emotions. Although it may not seem so, they may have low self-esteem themselves. However, while some people gaslight consciously, others may not realize they are, as they have been doing it for so long that the behavior just feels natural to them. 

Gaslighting can be difficult to recognize. 

Gaslighting starts small at first and eventually snowballs into a regular occurrence. Gaslighting is a repeated form of manipulation with the intended goal of making you doubt yourself and your perception of reality. So, in the isolated instances of talking to someone who disagrees with your opinion, it is important to recognize that this person may not necessarily be gaslighting you, even if they are highly critical of you. Divergent opinions and disagreement can be a healthy part of relationships. The difference is its regularity and your awareness of how the behavior looks and makes you feel. 

To identify gaslighting in your relationship, ask yourself how you are feeling in your specific situation. Are you experiencing extreme doubt in yourself as a result of someone else’s treatment of you? Are you having trouble making decisions for yourself? Do you wonder if your skin is too thin as if you are being made to feel upset over nothing? Do you feel upset and confused or not like your normal self? Do you feel as though you are constantly apologizing even when you are confident you did nothing wrong? Are you avoiding your friends, family, and other people you care about and who care about you because you don’t know quite how to explain your situation?  

If your answer to many of these questions is yes, you are likely experiencing some form of gaslighting. The next question to ask yourself is thus, what are you going to do about it? 

How should you deal with gaslighting? 

First, you want to remain calm, as showing emotion over the situation can give the gaslighter further leverage over you. Additionally, emotions can cloud perception, and you are already in a situation where your truth is being questioned. Therefore, you want to maintain an objective outlook on reality. 

To that end, try to find a way to physically distance yourself from the situation in which you are being victimized, such as removing yourself physically. If you can, leave the room. Go for a walk. Drive away. Do anything you can to get away so you can collect yourself. If this is not possible, then try to apply meditative techniques to keep yourself calm.  

Once you are in a safe space physically and emotionally, you need to accumulate tangible evidence that your partner cannot speak against or claim you made up. Your credibility has been tarnished by your partner’s regular gaslighting already, so you need a way to build a case for yourself to corroborate everything you say. Your partner can try to deny your words, but it is harder to do with actual proof.  

Helpful pieces of evidence may include written correspondence, such as texts or emails, with dates and times. A good rule of thumb is to write down oral conversations you have had to the best of your recollection, quoting if possible. Record your conversations if legal, as some states are a one-party consent state for recording while others require two-party consent. Finally, take photos of any property your partner may have damaged.  

When this person does try to gaslight you again, speak up. They are trying their best to lower your confidence, so you must do whatever you can to preserve it. You need to demonstrate that their gaslighting is not working on you and that you believe in yourself, not them. No more second-guessing and over-analyzing what was once obvious to you. 

At the same time, focus on taking care of yourself. Practice your favorite self-care techniques, and remind yourself that you are not going crazy and can perceive reality just fine. Be sure to eat and sleep well, too, so you are feeling your best mentally and physically. Some helpful self-care techniques include meditation, exercising, spending time with friends and family, writing in a journal, and engaging in your favorite hobbies and pastimes. 

Final thoughts … 

If you are the victim of gaslighting, seek the support of your loved ones, and ask them about events your partner has called into question to give yourself a foothold in reality. Additionally, seeking professional help from a therapist can help you sort through your emotions and develop strategies to overcome your partner’s gaslighting, as gaslighting is a distinct form of emotional abuse. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, if the behavior persists, even if they attend therapy or you attend therapy together as a couple, distance yourself from them or leave the relationship altogether. You deserve better.   

How to Re-Enter the Dating Pool After Time Away

Whether you haven’t dated for a long time due to a long-term relationship or marriage, your personal life becoming too hectic, or because you decided to work on yourself, and you finally believe enough time has passed for you to reconsider dating once again, give yourself a hand. You have overcome, successfully I may add, one of the biggest hurdles in finding a match — getting started.

But now that you’re here, you’re probably also wondering: So, how do I get started? In real terms, that is. Good question. Because how you approach dating from the outset can affect drastically your experience and, along with it, your success.

It’s no secret that dating takes up a lot of time and energy. It can also raise all sorts of emotions, some of them negative. Consequently, doing too much and too soon can cause overwhelm, not to mention can lead to dating fatigue.

To prevent this from occurring, there are specific ways you can prepare for your dating journey before making your long-awaited return simply by answering a few questions. So, without further adieu, I pose the following to you.

How does the prospect of dating make you feel?

This is a good question because the answer may very well turn on what you were doing before you decided to return to dating. Maybe you were in a relationship and just broke up and are now wondering if it’s too soon for you to be coming back. Or you think you’re ready, you may even know you’re ready, yet something still doesn’t feel quite right.

It’s at this juncture you need to be honest and ask yourself if you actually want to be dating again as well as if you’re ready to be dating again. Dating can be emotionally taxing, so it’s OK if the answer is still no. Or if the answer is yes, but you acknowledge you may have some fear and trepidation about the prospect, and want to give it a try anyway to see if you can overcome the hesitancy you’re experiencing, that’s OK. If you want to meet someone new, you should. And if you want to work on yourself a little while longer, that’s alright as well.

The point is for you to be honest with yourself about where you are right now and then make a decision you can be comfortable with. But do make this decision without taking into consideration judgment from others about what you should be doing and when. Remember, it’s your life, so live it as you want to.

What steps have you taken to prepare yourself for dating?

Self-improvement and reflection are critical toward getting yourself ready to date again. You can accomplish these goals in a variety of ways. If you just got out of a long-term relationship, for example, ask yourself: What did I learn from my last relationship? This way, you will be less likely to repeat the mistakes you made. In the same vein, if you were out of the dating world because you were working on yourself, ask yourself: What changes have I made?

Introspection and self-awareness can be challenging, but once you recognize any patterns which may have been holding you back or insecurities you may have about yourself, you can work toward becoming a better version of yourself and someone who attracts high-quality matches. And by high-quality, I mean those who you can envision being a part of your life and a partner in your life.

As a corollary to this internal questioning, there are steps you can take to spruce up your physical appearance before you start dating this time around. These steps include cleaning up your diet, hitting the gym, investing in a new wardrobe, getting a haircut, and adopting a new skincare routine. When you present the best version of yourself, it often makes for feeling better and more confident while dating, attracting someone of the same caliber.

The same goes for adopting new interests or re-igniting in old ones. Everyone needs to be creative, to have an outlet through which they can challenge themselves mentally. This, too, will help you radiate and attract others. An added bonus is that your hobbies and activities make great conversation starters.

What are you looking for?

This question is surprisingly difficult for many people to answer, but it’s one that can be critical to your success. If you don’t know what you’re looking for, you may struggle to narrow your search to individuals who share the same relationship goals as you, including finding a long-term relationship or future spouse. Once you understand what and who you’re looking for, you can be proactive in your search and move on from dead-end relationships.

To that end, be cognizant of any potential deal breakers and red flags. If you don’t hit things off with your date, remember, you don’t need to continue seeing them. Make sure that you really like the person that you’re seeing and investing your time and energy in, and that they really like you, too.

How do you plan to find dates?

Of course, dating apps, bars, and singles events come to mind first. Although, these answers do lead to other questions, such as which dating apps to use, which restaurants and bars to adopt as your new watering holes, and which activities will best serve your objectives. After all, you can’t be everywhere.

Having a wingwoman or professional dating coach to guide you you can be extremely helpful. This way, you can direct your limited time in the most constructive ways possible, while still enjoying yourself. Speaking of which …

Are you ready to have fun?

Dating should be fun, not a chore. To keep it this way, take dating slow. Date with intention, the first intention of which should be to enjoy yourself. I can help. Contact me today.

Where's This Relationship Going? How to Keep Up A New Relationship's Momentum

Picture this: You’ve recently met someone. It’s been one, two, three, maybe four dates, and, BOOM, you feel a connection. Great, right? You bet it is.

Then, BOOM again. You have to travel, work on a new project, or have a lot of upcoming commitments with the kids. Any of which can put distance between you and the person you’ve just begun dating.

Is it over?

Well, that depends on how you play it. That’s because this in-between time, that time when you don’t know where a relationship is going yet, is critical. Momentum is what you need now, but life is doing what it does best — getting in the way.

So, what’s a single guy or girl to do? Be proactive about your dating life, of course. Otherwise, out of sight means out of mind. 

This means staying in regular contact. It means connecting with your new love interest in a meaningful yet not overbearing way. Balance is key, so here are a few tips for going about it.

Send texts.

How you text at the beginning of a relationship can make or break you. Too little, and you risk losing the person. Too many, and you can scare them away.

If you’ve met in person, you should be off the app or dating platform where you first met and texting each other directly. Texting etiquette still applies, though. That includes personalizing your messages so you don’t look like you’re spamming five people you’re dating, paying attention to the rhythm of your exchanges so that they’re balanced (you’re not blowing up the other person’s phone with five texts when you’ve received a response of only one), and paying attention to the time of day you begin conversations over text (not too early and not too late).

A good morning or goodnight text or a text asking how someone’s day is going is usually a safe way to begin a conversation. If the person answers within a reasonable period of time (see below), is polite, and is engaging, you can pretty much gauge their interest from there and whether you want to continue the conversation or even speak to future plans. Which is definitely smart if you won’t be able to see them for a while.

When texting, you should also not expect an immediate answer; someone could be otherwise engaged — in the shower, at work, with their kids, driving, away from their phone, or, yes, out on a date with someone else. Remember, you don’t know where this relationship is going yet, nor do you know this person well.   

Text a photo.

A picture can communicate a lot, most important of which is that you’re thinking of the person you’re sending it to and want to share a part of your day with them. Something you’re looking at — a sunrise, sunset, landscape, funny scene, your pet, sometimes you are all appropriate options.

However, with this last option, you want to be careful and not send too many photos of yourself, which can get obnoxious, even creepy. You also don’t want to send too many photos. As with any type of text, moderation should be the standard.

Pick up the phone and call.

What better way to keep in touch and express your interest than by picking up the phone and calling the person you’re interested in. Phone calls take the most effort, and dating prospects who aren’t serious about you generally won’t do it.

Related to the phone call is a video call. But with video calls, it may be helpful to schedule those in advance or ask first if they would be interested in communicating this way. That way, if they’re in their pajamas or somewhere they can’t speak, they won’t feel uncomfortable or put on the spot.

There is one caveat when it comes to phone calls  — they can be a way to perpetuate a pseudo-relationship. A pseudo-relationships is one that mimics a real relationship through intimate conversation but where in-person contact either never happens or becomes limited over time. So, if enough time passes and there are no plans on the calendar, you may want to consider moving on and not wasting time with this person.

Don’t ask (yet) where this relationship is going.

Want to kill a new relationship’s momentum? Ask where your relationship is going too early. The early stages of dating are for getting to know each other. Therefore, you don’t want to pressure the person you’ve just recently begun seeing or act needy. It’s a turnoff, to say the least.

If you’re a savvy dater and know how to spot the red flags and have a definitive yet rational list of deal breakers to stick to, you will more easily be able to distill from someone’s interactions with you whether they’re interested. Or, just as important, whether you’re interested in them. Instead, save your questions about where this relationship is going for when you’re actually in a relationship and need to make decisions about your future.

A last word …

New relationships take on a life of their own. They have a natural rhythm to them, especially when they’re going well. Much of that rhythm is dictated by how you handle outside pressures, pressures that may cause you to move slower.

But guess what? Slower isn’t necessarily worse. In fact, depending on how you play it, it can work in your favor, allowing you to get to know the person you’re seeing better before making critical decisions about taking your relationship to the next level too soon.

Solid, healthy relationships are built over time. That’s because you want the person you choose — and who chooses you — to be with for a long time.

Are Dating Events for Singles Worth Attending?

Good news: the world is opening up again post-Covid. That means you will probably start hearing about different events targeted at singles if you haven’t already. You will hear about them from dating apps, your friends, and the internet.

These events will be hosted in different venues and have different themes. They will be packaged differently, but the goal will always be the same: to put singles together.

This is great, and many of them will sound enticing, but — and there’s always a but — not all of these events will be worth your time. And your time is valuable. Therefore, you will want to qualify your events the way you would qualify your dates. Here’s why.  

1. Many of these events are attended mostly by women.

That offers excellent odds if you’re a guy but not so great odds if you’re a woman. If you’re looking to meet other women, there are ways to do that. But if you’re going to a singles event to meet a man and there are three men for every ten women, not only will your chances of meeting your next new love be limited, you may walk away feeling discouraged. That’s the last thing you want.

Every event you attend should be a confidence builder. It should also propel you further on your dating journey. You’re not spending your time well if you’re sitting on the sidelines watching other people engage in stimulating get-to-know-you-type conversations. So before you RSVP, ask the host who’s on the guest list. 

2. Not every singles event will be age-appropriate.

There are singles in every age group. I know; my clients range in age from their thirties to their eighties. That said, if you’re looking to start a family, attending a singles event for those over 50 may not be your best bet for finding a like-minded partner.

When dating, you need to consider whether the person you’re interested in is at the same stage of life you are. It’s not enough that you both enjoy the same dinner fare or like to ski. Your relationship goals also need to align. Age can play into that.

Again, ask the host who will be in attendance. One caveat: you will also come across dating events with no age range or a very large one. Still ask who’s coming because sometimes people sign up in groups, which can affect the demographic of the event one way or the other as word gets around.

3. Singles events will often focus on common interests.

Many singles events will focus on a specific interest. For example, the event may be for those who like outdoor adventures or for people interested in learning to cook a certain type of cuisine.

If neither of these pastimes appeals to you, and you’re looking for an event that caters to your interests, find an event that does. They’re out there.

Yes, opposites can attract. But a singles event is often a jumping-off point for a first date. So if you’re on a hike with a singles group but don’t enjoy hiking, you may not feel comfortable. Or, for that matter, want to do it again.

It’s great to expand your horizons and learn new skills. But if you choose to do it at singles events, make sure it’s for beginners like you if you are a beginner, so you meet people in the same situation as you. In other words, there needs to be common ground. Even if it’s a new skill, skill level can be the common ground you’re looking for. 

Final thoughts …

Do your research. There are so many opportunities to get out there and meet other singles. But you want to do it in an environment where you will feel confident. So ask questions of the host or the hosting company. You would vet your date before investing your time and money, right?

Singles events are no different. Just as it is on a date, the success you have at a singles event is very much a function of what you bring to the table. Except when it’s a singles event, that table can be any venue you choose. Choose wisely. 

Is Owning Crypto Sexy?

Good news for crypto enthusiasts looking for love — owning cryptocurrency may make you more desirable to prospective partners. A new survey from social investing platform eToro’s inaugural Crypto & Culture survey shows that people who mention crypto in an online dating profile are more likely to find success on the dating scene.

Indeed, 33% of Americans claimed they would be more likely to swipe right on someone who mentioned crypto in their online dating profile. More than 40% of men and 25% of women said that their interest in a potential date rises when crypto is mentioned.

The allure provided by crypto doesn’t just yield more matches. According to the survey, nearly three in four people would be more interested in a second date with a person who paid the dinner bill in bitcoin.

Crypto’s appeal extends beyond bitcoin, too — digital assets such as nonfungible tokens ("NFTs") are also in demand. Almost 20% of singles said they would be more interested in a romantic prospect with an NFT as the profile picture on a social platform or dating site.

Outside of the dating market, cryptocurrency has exploded in popularity in recent years, especially since the start of the pandemic, and this interest in digital currency is a part of a greater shift toward online business. Just as banking has begun to move into the digital sphere, so has dating.

It’s, therefore, not surprising a population that has flocked to the internet for love would also be attracted by online assets like cryptocurrency and NFTs. The question thus remains: Should the average bachelor or bachelorette jump head, or wallet, first into crypto to help find the partner of their dreams?

Short answer: It depends. You probably shouldn’t make financial decisions of any kind solely to appear more attractive to strangers on the internet, regardless of what influencers may say. Despite all the hype surrounding it, cryptocurrency is still a new and volatile asset that may not be for everyone.

Since bitcoin’s all-time high last November, the crypto market has shed more than $1 trillion in value. Consequently, if you invest in cryptocurrency without the necessary expertise, you could subject yourself to heartbreak worse than any incurred on the dating scene.

That said, if you already own or are knowledgeable about cryptocurrency, showing it off may make you more attractive to prospective partners. Still, keep in mind that it will probably only have an aphrodisiac effect on those who are already interested in cryptocurrency themselves.

If you don’t mind attracting the infamous crypto guy or gal — whose penchant for discussing algorithmic trading, the self-driving transport revolution, and blockchain protocols has become the source of many an internet meme in recent months — then, by all means, promote away your crypto assets. If, however, the

prospect of discussing minting bananas and trading Solana for more than 30 seconds fills you with dread, ditch the NFT in your profile and stick with a well-lit selfie.

As a general rule of thumb when it comes to online dating, your profile should accurately represent who you are and what you care about. If owning bitcoin is an integral part of your identity, you should be proud to share it.

Featuring crypto on your profile may also help you weed out potential partners who find your passion for Ethereum less lovable and more loathsome. Or it could be the precise reason you attract your perfect match.

What Happens to Your Covid Relationship Post-Pandemic?

Did you get involved in a relationship during Covid? If so, you, like many people, may have bonded over different interests than you would have pre-Covid, such as watching binge-watching Netflix or cooking at home together.  

These are wonderful pastimes for sure, but now that you can be out and about and have the freedom to resume activities you may have had to put on the back burner during the pandemic, it’s time to make sure you and your partner are still on the same page. 

How do you do that? As always, I have a few suggestions. 

Think forward. 

Successful relationships progress. Therefore, you need to determine if your current relationship can offer you what you’re looking for, especially since it began when your goals may have been different. For many, Covid relationships were based on a mutual need for companionship during a time when people were isolated and lonely as a result.  

So think about your relationship goals today. For example, are you looking for an activity partner or a long-term relationship? Marriage? Marriage and children? If your goals aren’t the same, it’s time to consider your future with this person.  

Assess whether your pre-pandemic interests still align with your partner’s. 

Pre-pandemic, your love for international travel, theater, dining out, and just being social, may have reigned supreme. However, given how stay-at-home orders put a monkey wrench in those plans, you may not have shared your other passions with your current partner.  

Though you still may share the interests you cultivated during the pandemic or those you brought to the forefront of your life as a result of the way the world looked during 2020 and 2021, it doesn’t mean you must abandon everything else you loved before Covid-19 became a consideration. In other words, how you prioritize your passions and interests may not be the same post-pandemic.  

If, for example, you’re now looking to go on a four-month trip around the world, you need to consider that your partner may not be, quite literally, ready or willing to get on board with that. If they aren’t, you should take some time to determine what matters to you more — travel or your relationship — and how you can balance your outside interests with your interests in your relationship. Can they be balanced? The only way to know is to ask.  

Talk to your partner.  

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: To have a successful relationship, you need to communicate well and often. To that end, when re-evaluating your Covid-based relationship post-pandemic, explain to your partner what your life was like before and how you’re interested in resuming some parts or all of your former lifestyle. 

Explain in detail what that lifestyle looked like and how it could potentially impact your current relationship. Will you be traveling? Do you want to travel solo, with friends, or with them? Will you be traveling often for work? Will you be dining out more frequently? Have friends come to visit or stay over? 

Next, ask your partner: Are you still interested in my proposed lifestyle? How do you feel about the environment I am presenting to you? Then listen to what they have to say. They may have their own ideas about what a post-pandemic relationship looks like that may or may not specifically align with your vision. The question that thus remains is: Can you live with what you each propose? 

Final thoughts … 

Many beautiful relationships (and marriages!) have been born out of the pandemic. Indeed, this is a testament to the human spirit and our innate capacity to give and receive love. But not every relationship is destined for this next step. And that’s OK.  

Some relationships are circumstantial; they serve a purpose for a finite time, help you to grow, and bring you one step closer to your next relationship, perhaps your last one. The secret is having the wherewithal to know when you should hold on tight to what you have. Or release it in the hopes of finding what — and who — you’re meant to be with. Someone whose interests match yours and yours theirs, who wants to build a life and lifestyle that includes one other in it. For a relationship to endure, you need both. 

Should I Listen to Gossip About the Person I’m Dating?

Be careful about listening to gossip. Here’s why.  

You’re dating someone you kind of like. The relationship is new, so new that you haven’t even told your friends yet. You have a really good connection, they treat you well, and you’re excited to see where things are going.  

Then, BAM! Your friends weigh in about your new love interest, except not in a good way. Instead, they tell you something bad about the person — a story they heard, an incident from their divorce, something about their career. 

The information doesn’t sit well with you. Not only because what you heard is negative but also because it doesn’t make sense given what you know about this individual from your interactions with them. So what should you do? 

Address it.  

Well, first off, you should address it with them. “Hey, I heard this the other day and thought maybe you should know.” Make sure not to accuse. Don’t interrogate. Bring it up casually, in a public place where you also can speak with some privacy.  

Then wait for their response. Let them tell you their side of the story. Because there are always two sides, and more often three—theirs, whoever else was a part of the interaction you heard about, and the truth.  

You should be able to glean a lot just from their demeanor and initial response. Are they angry? Do they deny it? Do they say it’s true but want a chance to explain? Your only job at this point is to listen and evaluate their words. Which is why you want to … 

Stay open-minded.    

Though the gossip may be founded in truth or have truthful parts, it can also be false or a misinterpretation. Depending on what it is, such as the retelling of an interaction that took place during a past relationship, keep in mind that every relationship is different. People can behave differently with different partners. 

Of course, if the gossip has to do with abuse, take the information seriously and consider that it could be true. Individuals who are abusive in one relationship may be that way in another. This is where your judgment comes in, so with that in mind … 

Listen to your gut. 

More than any information you receive from others — your gut, your intuition, that “feeling” you have — will tell you everything you need to know. And that is to stay or go. The problem is we ignore that voice inside of us too often because we want to believe otherwise.  

When we make a decision that doesn’t work out for us, the moment we look back, we usually find there were signs that we missed along the way. The biggest sign often came from us, something inside of us that said to do things one way, yet we chose another.  

However, if your gut tells you it’s OK to continue developing a relationship with the person you’re dating, even amid the rumors, there is something you can do to protect your relationship. And that is to …   

Keep your connection close to the vest.  

Keep a low profile. Don’t splash your new relationship all over social media, and refrain from discussing this amazing connection you have with your friends, acquaintances, and the person in front of you on line at CVS. At least for a while. The more you go public with your new relationship, the greater the likelihood you have of exposing yourself to idle gossip. 

If you do become a couple, and you both choose to become more vocal about your relationship in the future, you will have a better foundation to withstand any rumors should they come back to you. Also, keep in mind that how public you are about your relationship communicates very little about the quality of your relationship. In fact, many of the strongest relationships fly under the radar.  

That’s not to say no one knows about them. They do. But these couples understand that outside forces can weigh on even the most solid couples. Don’t believe me? Look at all the celebrity relationships that fail because they couldn’t survive the stress of being in the spotlight. And the gossip.  

Be careful. 

As I mentioned earlier, be careful about confronting the person you’re dating about any gossip you’ve heard. You want to do it in a place where, if the person behaves not as you would have expected, you’re safe.  

You want to be careful when you date someone new. Period. Vet every person you date or have a professional help you the way I can. The vetting process can include asking around about them or listening to what you hear through the grapevine.  

That said, also be careful about what you hear through the grapevine. The information doesn’t have to be true, or there could be reasons why it is. So keep an open mind until your gut tells you not to.  

And, finally, if you need further guidance, don’t be afraid to ask for it. That’s what good friends are there for. Not to mention a matchmaker like me who just loves it when people gossip about her, saying, “She helped yet another couple find love.”    

Are You Inflexible in Your Dating Life?

It’s so easy to point a finger and say the reason why you aren’t coupled is because of someone else, because of something other people do or don’t do. But is that always the case? 

Sometimes, it’s important to turn the mirror on yourself to see if it’s the behavior you’re engaging in that’s causing you to have one failed dating encounter after another. One of the biggest culprits I’ve found causing undesirable dating results is inflexibility. 

A major part of being in a healthy relationship is how willing each person is to compromise. That said, compromising shouldn’t translate to being a pushover and always giving in to what the other person wants. But it does mean, at times, putting your partner’s wants and needs before your own or not always getting your way.  

Because the truth is, if you can’t be accommodating during the dating stage, you’ll likely never get to the relationship stage. Or at least the relationship stage where you’re in a healthy relationship. Even worse, there will always be toxic relationships to accommodate unhealthy behaviors.    

It’s one thing to be on a strict schedule when it involves kids, work, or some big life commitment. Obviously, you can’t be at the mercy of someone else. But it shouldn’t always be like this. If it is, it likely has something to do with having an inflexible mindset as it pertains to your dating life.  

Don’t believe me? Then check yourself. Here is what that inflexible dating behavior could look like.  

1. You get annoyed if the person you’re dating deviates from your plan.  

You choose a restaurant or other dating spot, for example, and the other person makes an alternative suggestion. If you’re the person who becomes easily annoyed, even scraps all the plans as a result, simply because you can’t bear to make the extra effort to find a new place or otherwise inconvenience yourself, consider the message you’re sending out into the universe or, rather, the dating pool. And that is, you’re inflexible, to say the least. Maybe even selfish or self-centered. 

If you’re not willing to break old patterns for something as mundane as a reservation or meeting spot, what else won’t you be willing to roll within your life? Speaking of which … 

2. You react badly to the unexpected.  

The airlines cancel a flight, one of you misses a train, there’s a last-minute emergency. You name it; it could happen. The reality is there are some challenges you just can’t avoid or control. But what you can control is how you react, even to the most challenging among them.  

It may mean making certain concessions or last-minute changes. But more than that, it demands showing empathy and compassion for others. When you’re consistently inflexible as problems arise, it sends yet another message to anyone you’re involved with, and that is, you don’t care. Not about them, not about anything. Except for yourself, that is. Now, be honest, would you want to date that person? 

3. You find fault in everyone.  

Think “Seinfeld.” And Jerry specifically, who came up with the most incredible reasons to break up with the women he dated.  

It’s one thing to be focused on the kind of person you’re looking for — someone whose lifestyle is similar to yours, is serious-minded about finding a partner, and wants the same type of relationship as you do. It’s another to break up with a woman because she has big hands, as Jerry chose to. 

With Jerry in mind, look back on the reasons why you ended relationships, even brief ones. Was it for a real reason or because yet another person didn’t fit the mold you created in your head of the perfect partner? Your answer may very well reveal that you, like Jerry Seinfeld, are an inflexible dater, someone who won’t deviate from the unrealistic expectations you’ve set for yourself and others.  

What your inflexibility may say about you … 

Now for the hard part. It’s time to ask yourself: Why am I so inflexible? 

The main reasons I’ve witnessed why daters are so rigid in their behaviors come down to two. The first is that they are controlling. The second is that they are emotionally unavailable; they say they want a relationship but do everything in their power to prevent this from happening. The reasons why can vary and may require further exploration by you.  

Therefore, if either of these reasons fit you, it’s probably time to do some soul-searching, maybe even get someone to help you modify your behaviors. A mental health professional can help with the big stuff like the whys, while a dating coach like myself can assist with tips and strategies to become a better, more polished dater.  

Keep in mind that the first step toward more promising dating experiences will be yours, the one where you commit to making positive changes in your life. From there, your love life will follow.  

Is it different working with men versus women?

To Michael, a client: 

1. Why did you hire Cassie? 

I was dating, but it never worked out well. I was looking for the love of my life, albeit a rather lofty goal, and I was not finding the quality of woman that I wanted and was tired of being painfully lonely. I remember thinking that I use consultants, experts, and coaches in my business life, so why not use an expert in my personal life?        

 2. What did you get out of hiring Cassie? 

I was a project for Cassie. After interviewing me to determine who I am and what I wanted, Cassie “tuned me up”! She coached me on my dating skills by tweaking a few things I did before, during, and after dates. And before my first date, Cassie upgraded my look. I remember her saying, “OK, now you are ready to date!” Cassie introduced me to very high-quality women, and within months, I met Liz and hit my lofty goal beyond my wildest dreams.   

To Cassie: 

3. Why did you take Michael on as a client? 

It was all about Michael’s mindset and positive attitude. Michael was serious about finding someone to date. He was laser-focused. He told me he wanted to date a woman whose lifestyle would meld with his, someone in his age group who is sincere, likes to travel, and is as equally passionate about finding a partner. Michael was willing to commit to a relationship, but first, he was willing to commit to me, giving me the time and attention I needed to help him. 

4. Is it different working with men versus women? 

Surprisingly, no. Men are easily misunderstood. So as with all my male clients, I talked to Michael and listened to him. Men have very specific needs, which align closely with women’s: they want intimacy and a quality partner with whom to share their lives. Men and women may be business leaders, but it doesn’t mean they are successful daters. It’s my job to merge these two identities.  

What Mindset Are You Battling in Your Dating Life?

How you talk to yourself about dating very much sets the stage for your dating experiences. No, a positive mindset won’t save you from ever experiencing a lack of chemistry on a date or dating someone who’s inconsiderate or even rude. But what a positive mindset will do is enable you to move on quickly when you do have these experiences, so you can meet someone who is right for you. 

Unfortunately, many singles don’t realize that their complaining or offhanded comments about dating are actually holding them back. That’s why checking in with yourself and asking, “Do I have a positive or negative mindset about dating?” can help.  

If you’re not sure or think the comments you make in your mind or to others are harmless, read on. What follows are a few of the most common complaints singles make about the dating scene and why they can hurt your chances of finding your next relationship.  

Negative Self-Talk 

1. Nobody’s going to want to date someone my age. 

I hear this all the time and, ironically, about all ages. And to that, I say, ridiculous! Since I became a matchmaker more than 30 years ago, I’ve helped singles ranging from their thirties to their eighties find love. And guess what? Somebody wanted to date someone “their” age.  

Since there’s enjoyment to be had at any age, so, too, is there love because people want to share the lives they love with someone special. Plus, love that comes later in life often affords more freedoms than it does when there are more family and career constraints. Less constraints mean more time to explore the world and the opportunities for love in it.   

2. They’re all flakes out there. 

Or, the other variant, everyone’s crazy. Really? Not everyone can be flaky or nuts. Not to mention, it raises the other, unavoidable possibility: Perhaps it’s not them who’s crazy, it’s me.   

If you write off everyone from the get-go, of course there’s going to be no one out there to date. To be honest, everyone has a little bit of eccentricity to them at times.  

Therefore, finding a match is very much about finding a person who’s got those quirks you can live with as opposed to the ones that are deal breakers. These vary for everyone. Remember, what’s flaky to one person could be endearing to another.   

3. There aren’t any high-caliber, quality people to date.  

Really? Aren’t you a high-caliber, quality person to date? If you answered yes, what makes you think you’re alone in your search? 

I’m not going to lie; there are some bad apples out there. It’s why you have to be a cautious dater and vet your dates or hire someone to help you do that. But there are also many, many find individuals looking for love and partnership, just like you.  

But, again, if you discount the entire dating pool, of course you’re not going to find anyone of substance. Instead, put your best foot forward, beginning with a positive attitude because that’s what attracts other like-minded individuals.  

4. I don’t have the time. 

Everyone’s busy. And the truth is we only make time for what’s important to us. So, if meeting someone special is important to you, then I suggest you lok at your schedule and find times where you can be more flexible.  

Believe it or not, you can go on dates throughout the day. A morning walk before work, a lunch date, a drink or dinner after work, a weekend brunch or mid-afternoon hike. You name it; it’s possible. That is, if you’re willing to devote the time.  

But you have to think positively. Which brings me to my next point, and that is to engage in more positive self-talk. So what is that? 

Positive self-talk 

1. I’m worth it. 

Yep, you heard me right. Literally tell yourself: “I’m worth it.” You’re worth someone calling you and spending time with you. You’re worth someone taking you to lunch or dinner or teaching you about a pastime they enjoy and want to share with you. And most oof all, you’re worth someone wanting to love you and share their life with you.   

2. It’s better to be with a partner and share your life. 

If you have a great life that you’re proud of and savor, congratulations because you’re already on the road to finding your next relationship. Think about it; you have a life you love, but wouldn’t it be that much better if there was someone you loved in it who could share many (not all) of the aspects of your wonderful life with you? 

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean giving up your independence or all of your private time. Not at all. What it does mean is that you can make an addition to your life that doesn’t subtract from it at the same time. To put it simply, it all comes down to mindset: are you positive or negative?    

3. It’s fun! 

Speaking of positivity, people who are upbeat tend to find enjoyment even in the mundane. They take pleasure in everyday activities and see the beauty in them. And that includes dating, which, depending on how you look at it, could be an adventure, too. 

Every date, you see, is an opportunity. An opportunity not only find love but also to have a pleasant morning, afternoon, or evening and nothing more. Those moments can be filled with good company, good food and wine, and good conversation, even if it leads nowhere. And there’s something always to be learned about others and yourself — if you’re open to it.  

Final thoughts … 

Stay positive, stay positive, stay positive. When you have a mindset that leaves you open to possibility, you actually can see it in front of you. When you’re negative, you’re closed off from the world and see only your own reality.  

Every one of us has had to deal with difficult issues in our life, which may very well be responsible for us being closed off at times. And sometimes, it takes a new person to help us see what may be right in front of us. Having worked with thousands of couples, I know how to get singles to look at dating from a fresh vantage point, one where they — and you — can see the whole forest, not only the trees. 

5 Ways to Tell You’re in a Pseudo-Relationship and What You Can Do About It

Relationships come in many shapes and sizes. But one relationship you don’t want to ever find yourself in is a pseudo-relationship. Why? Because, as its name implies, it isn’t real.  

A pseudo-relationship may feel real. And you may hope it is real. But once you scratch the surface, you’ll quickly realize that it isn’t and only disappointment awaits you. Finding a healthy relationship is challenging enough without having to deal with one that doesn’t offer you what you want. 

The key is to identify a pseudo-relationship early, and then move on. That way, you won’t waste your precious time staying in one. What follows are five surefire ways to identify a pseudo-relationship and then my advice for how you can prevent yourself from getting involved in one in the first place.  

1. You have never met in person.  

One tell-tale sign you may be in a pseudo-relationship is that you still haven’t met in person. Or, you may have met in person a few times but the relationship has since devolved into communication via email, text, social media, and phone calls only. 

Real relationships require that you not only meet in person but also that the interactions remain in person. When you have never met or you no longer see someone you’re supposedly involved with, you have no way of knowing what’s going on in their lives. On the flip side, you can bet that they don’t care what’s going on in yours. Otherwise, they would want to spend time with you, in the flesh.  

If you aren’t seeing the person you are connected with romantically, unless there’s a good reason why this is (a reason you know to be valid and one you’re OK with), you should consider it a red flag. Whether they are hiding something, like another relationship or a spouse or what have you, it doesn’t matter. You have enough information to walk away and search for someone who does want to spend time with you in real life. 

2. You develop what feels like a real relationship. 

If because of continuous texting, emailing, communicating over social media, and talking on the phone you think you’re in a real relationship, watch out. Just because the communication is frequent still doesn’t make the relationship real. Whether you’ve never met or met only a few times but this person never wants or makes time to see you, the result is the same. Consider the following situation. 

I had a client who told me about a relationship she found herself in a while back. After three dates, the guy stopped asking her out. Yet he still continued to call and text her every single day, rarely missing a beat. He lived about an hour-and-a-half away, yet whenever he was in the area, he called to tell her he would be there (presumably in case she saw him pop up on a dating app) but that he was too busy to see her.  

The woman eventually called him out on his shady behavior when, again, he told her he would be in the area the next day but wasn’t going to see her. After she called him out on his behavior, he offered to meet her for lunch the next day. But instead of him calling as he promised, she never heard from him again. At this point, the relationship had gone on for four months, with visits only occurring at the beginning.  

In retrospect, the woman realized the relationship was a pseudo one, despite the very personal nature of their conversations. Conversations that often involved him pouring his heart out to her about his ongoing divorce, relationship with his children, job woes, and finances. Likely, he was using her for emotional support but was not willing to offer her anything in return for the emotional labor she was providing, not to mention her time. Now she knows better. 

3. Time goes by yet you still haven’t met.  

In relationships, the time between when you first begin communicating and when you meet in person should be short. If you meet on a dating app, for example, you should communicate on the dating app a few times, then move to text. Those text exchanges should likewise be brief and lead to a phone conversation. Following one or two phone calls, during which you vet the person and decide whether you should indeed meet, you should actually meet.  

After your first date, if you both decide you would like the relationship to move forward and continue getting to know each other, you should do that by continuing to see each other in person. It’s OK to also communicate through text, email, social media, and phone, as long as the communication also includes in-person dates.  

The pandemic, which gave rise to a lot of Zoom dates, is over. Though remote dates still have their place, especially when vetting your matches, they still need to be followed by real dates. 

4. There’s always an excuse.  

The kids are there. Their work schedule is crazy. They’re traveling all month. If there’s always a reason why you can’t meet them in person, pull out your red flag and start waving it. 

If weeks go by, and you still haven’t met the person you are speaking to often, if they string you along with promises to meet that never materialize, remind yourself that in real relationships, apart from long-distance relationships where both parties mutually agree to a specific arrangement, people see each other in person. 

Yes, scheduling issues can exist; all of us have them. That said, where there’s a will, there’s a way. Someone who wants to see you does. It’s that simple.  

5. You stop interacting with other prospects because of this pseudo-relationship. 

 This is the part where you have a reality check. The part where you ask yourself: How has this relationship affected my search for love? 

 If your answer is that you have essentially put your love life on hold, watching and waiting for this pseudo-relationship to morph into what you want it to be, you’re letting it hinder your chances of finding your perfect match. 

 Pseudo relationships do three things, none of them good. First, they waste your time. Second, they set you up for disappointment, even heartbreak. And three, they can potentially cause you to become jaded about dating in general. So, what’s my advice? 

The solution? Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. 

My grandmother and mother said this to me all the time when I was single and dating: Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. In other words, don’t pin all your hopes on one person, especially without any proof they are ready, willing, and able to give you the relationship you want and deserve. And that you want it from them! 

 It’s good advice, too. As the late Maya Angelou said, “Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.” 

 The bottom line? It doesn’t matter what they’re doing. Only that what they’re doing doesn’t include you. And you deserve so much better than that.  

How to Answer Questions About Your Past Relationships on a First Date

“So … why’d the two of you break up?” she asked on their first date. “Was she cheating? Working too much? Not good enough in bed? C’mon, just tell me.”

“I, uh, well … it was, um, we had both started drifting apart,” he said before taking a large gulp of his wine.

Uncomfortable? If you said yes, think about how much more uncomfortable you’d feel if you were the one on the receiving end of prying questions like these. And from someone you just met, no less.

Well, this happens more than you may think on first dates, which can be the reason why those first dates also become last dates. That’s because personal questions about past relationships aren’t generally appropriate for this stage of dating.

So, how do you respond to personal questions about your past relationships when that not-so-special someone asks them? I have a few ideas.

Gently try and change the subject.

How open you are is a matter of personal preference. But as a matter of course, it’s usually better not to divulge too many details, especially about matters of the heart, to people who don’t know you well. That’s because they have no frame of reference by which to evaluate your comments, and you risk them getting the wrong idea about you.

Therefore, if your date starts to press you about information you may not feel comfortable discussing, your best bet is to try and gently change the subject. More specifically, direct the conversation to subjects you may be more comfortable talking about: your travels, where you grew up, your livelihood (in broader terms), and perhaps some of your aspirations.

What each of these conversation topics has in common is that you can approach them from a place of positivity. Past relationships, no matter how well they ended, can bring about negative emotions, such as sadness or anger — in you and the person you’re speaking to.

Come out and say that you’re not comfortable discussing your past relationships.

If the person you’re on a date with isn’t taking the hint, consider taking a more direct approach: “I’m not really comfortable talking about this. But I would love to hear more about how you …” And then ask them something about themselves. Or, again, try to divert the conversation elsewhere, perhaps to something you recently did or have planned. The important thing to remember is you don’t owe anyone an intimate view of your life, especially someone you recently met.

Now, I will warn you, there are those people who still won’t listen and will continue to press you. If the person you’re out on a date with still doesn’t want to honor your request to change the subject or just isn’t getting it, they’re giving you information about themselves that you need to carefully evaluate.

Make a decision about whether you want to consider dating this person.

At the extreme, if someone is making you uncomfortable on a date, whether because of the personal questions they’re asking you or any other reason, you always have the right to excuse yourself then and there.

However, if you don’t feel as though you’re in imminent danger but find their persistence anywhere from annoying to off-putting, you have a decision to make: Do you want to see this person again should they ask?

Having someone pry into your personal life, even after you’ve requested clearly and directly that they stop, could be a red flag and a sign of undesirable behavior to come. For example, this person could be controlling or emotionally abusive. Think about it. If they’re pushy about your past relationships at this stage of the game, what else will they be aggressive about, and when? You don’t need to wait around to find out.

Final thoughts …

First dates are the time to begin getting to know each other. The time when you can learn as much about a person from their answers to the questions you ask as you can from the way they ask questions, the type of questions they ask, and their reactions when they don’t get their desired response. I know it’s a lot to discern. However, it’s critical that you take a moment to assess what it is you’re learning from and about your date.

Your time is valuable as is your physical and emotional wellbeing. So watch and listen. Then, if you don’t like what you’re seeing and hearing, feel free to move on. There’s no shortage of eligible singles — if you have the right advice to guide you. Singles who will show you the courtesy and respect you want. And are waiting for you to show that to them, too.

Cassie Zampa-Keim is dedicated to helping singles find their perfect match.

1. How did I get into the business?

After college, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. But I was (and am) a people person. I like to get to know what makes others who they are and how I can help them improve their lives. I had an opportunity to apprentice with a local matchmaker, so I gave it a shot. It didn’t take long to find my true passion, which is finding love for singles. You could say that when it came to my chosen career, it was love at first sight!

2. What makes a client successful?

Commitment. Commitment to the process. Commitment to their goal of finding love. Commitment to themselves to be the best they can be. For clients to be successful at finding love, they have to be all in. We must work as a team, and they must respond to me. Clients have to have faith in the process and remain optimistic. Attitude counts for a lot. Potential matches can sense when someone’s negative and will shy away from someone who is. Positivity is an aphrodisiac.

3. What does a typical client look like?

This is the great part about what I do. None of my clients are typical. They range in age from their thirties to their eighties. They come from various backgrounds. However, there are commonalities, and they are that all of my clients are smart, successful, dedicated, and kind people who lead full lives but know their life can be fuller with the right partner. My clients are with me because they are invested in finding love and invested in themselves.

4. Why did I start doing the hot tips of the day on Instagram?

People were asking if I had one piece of advice for them what it would be. I’ve been in this business for more than three decades and, therefore, I have a lot to say. It’s also why I wrote my book, “Finding Love After 50.” This led to my hot tips on Instagram (@innovativematch). I realized people wanted practical yet inspirational information they could get while on the go. My hot tips took off because it was a way I could connect with singles and them with me while helping them change their lives.

5. Why does Cassie call her work a journey and not a program?

Finding love requires introspection and making incremental changes to your attitude, environment, and, how much faith you have in yourself. Transformation is a process and doesn’t happen overnight. Calling what I do a program implies there’s a start and finish and minimizes the magic that comes when you commit to yourself, which you must do to commit to someone else. A growth mindset is something you develop and can take with you wherever you go and benefit from whoever you’re with, especially a new love. Are you ready?

Want to Redesign Your Love Life? Here’s How

Did you know that you are very much in control of your love life? You may not feel like it, especially if you’ve had negative experiences online. When using online dating sites, it can feel as though you’re never in the driver’s seat. That you’re always at the mercy of others, waiting around for a response to your emails, texts, and calls. And that’s if you’ve even gotten that far. 

These issues may be accurate and, to some degree, probably are because, for starters, you can’t control anyone else’s behavior. However, because you can control your own, there are ways for you to put yourself in the driver’s seat and increase your chances of finding love.  

 The first has to do with defining your relationship goals, and the second deals with laying out a strategic plan for meeting as many people as possible. After all, you can’t meet potential matches if you’re sitting at home on your couch watching Netflix.  

So if you’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places or finding only the wrong people even in the right places, a redesign of your love life may be what you need. Here are a few ways to get started.  

Three questions to ask yourself to discover what kind of partner you want in your life. 

1. Would I date myself? 

It sounds like a silly question. In fact, the idea of dating yourself might seem strange — and perhaps a bit narcissistic. But asking yourself this question and exploring the concept could give you insight into why your dating life isn’t going quite as you’d like. If, for instance, you find yourself attracting the wrong kind of person.

Before entering a relationship, you should want to date yourself. If you want someone who has plans for the future, you better first have some of your own. Do you want someone sensitive, responsible, and compassionate? These are wonderful qualities, but are you this person, too?  

It’s hard to ask something of someone you wouldn’t (or couldn’t) ask of yourself. If you wouldn’t want to date you — the real you, then the people who do might be, let’s just say, less than optimal partners. Therefore, it may be worth asking: What about me would I like to change to make myself more attractive to the people I want to date? 

That said, I am by no means advising you to take on the qualities of someone you meet. No, not at all. What I am suggesting that you do is take affirmative steps to become your best self. There’s a difference. 

2. What kind of relationship am I looking for right now? 

Nothing is worse than finding a great partner only to realize you are looking for different things. To avoid the heartbreak and frustration of a “right person, wrong time” situation, it is important to recognize your own needs and objectives in a relationship.  

Are you looking for something more low-commitment? Then you should make that clear to the people you go out with so they know what to expect. Are you ready to settle down? Then you may want to avoid people with “nothing serious” in their online dating profiles.  

Getting clear with yourself first about your relationship goals will enable you to better communicate them to a potential partner. It will also ensure that you find someone with the same objectives.  

3. What has worked for me in my past relationships, and what hasn’t? 

This question goes hand in hand with my first two points. Are there issues you struggled with in your past relationships? Did you, for example. have trouble communicating or trusting past partners? Alternatively, were there characteristics of past relationships or partners that you liked and would want to see in a new relationship?  

Get clear about what your past relationships lacked and why they were wonderful while they lasted. Next, look to the possible reasons behind why for both. Finally, look for ways to make improvements in a new relationship.    

How can I expand my network and increase my chances of finding love? 

1. Get active! Join activities/classes to meet new people. 

Whether it’s joining a gym or taking a class at the local community center, getting involved in an activity is an effective way to meet people with similar interests. You can also see if your workplace, parks department, or house of worship has a recreational sports team you would be interested in joining. Not only are sports a great way to stay active, but you may also be surprised by the people you meet.  

Don’t think you’re the active type? Look to join a local book club, movie club, cooking club, or hiking club. Whatever hobby you enjoy, others probably enjoy it, too. And that makes for a natural starting point for a friendship, romance, or friendship that leads to romance. 

2. Call up friends to catch up. 

Friendships are like plants; they will wither away and die if you don’t water them regularly. So make sure you periodically reach out to your friends.  

Call or text them just to see how they are doing. Ask about your friends’ lives. Show an interest — and genuinely be interested — in what’s important to them. A good friend doesn’t make a friendship all about their needs but also takes an active interest in the other person. 

 Building genuine friendships naturally expands your network and can open up opportunities for you to meet a potential love interest. Your friends may know and be able to set you up with someone they know you would get along with, and because you are such a good friend, they will be only too happy to do so. 

3. Say yes to new adventures and events when invited.  

Reasons abound for why you may not want to go out on any given night. Maybe you’re tired after a long week or have a lot going on at work. That said, if someone invites you somewhere, you should make an effort to go. Even, or especially, if the event in question is something you have never gone to before or an activity you haven’t tried.  

Obviously, if the activity in question is something you don’t feel comfortable doing or you can’t afford, you should probably decline the invitation on those terms. But do try to make alternative plans with that person. But, again, the point is to stay active and engaged with your network. And most of all, open to what your interactions, energy, and what having a positive attitude can bring you. 

For the Founder of This Matchmaking Company, Her Life's Work Is Also Her Passion

1. Why did you hire Cassie?

 EMILY (Cassie’s client): I had tried online dating many times and never got results. I was on Match and Tinder but kept seeing the same guys. I also kept picking the wrong guys. The whole thing seemed futile. I knew it had to be something I was doing because people were still finding love. I never once thought of using a matchmaker, but I kept seeing Cassie’s ads, was curious, and figured I’d reach out. 

2 . What did you gain in value from working with Cassie?

EMILY: Cassie responded immediately. I was nervous, but I knew that I would be hiring a true professional matchmaker and seasoned dating coach as I was talking to her. I wanted someone with a fresh set of eyes who could weed out the guys, had a knack for picking not only the right guys but the right guy for me, and who could offer step-by-step dating advice. Cassie found Sean for me, and I’m so happy now.

3. Why were you successful with Emily?

 CASSIE: From the moment I started working with Emily, she was 100% in it, dedicating herself to the process by being open and positive. She listened to my advice and experienced a lot of personal growth as a result. She learned about herself and how important having similar core values is in finding a partner. We developed a great friendship riding the ups and the downs together. The result was I found her Sean.

4. What can a client expect when working with you?

CASSIE: Innovative Match clients are a wonderful community of like-minded, kind, dedicated, educated, successful professionals who are open to new thoughts, ideas, and, most of all, the possibility of finding love. My work is my passion, and all of my clients get 100% of my effort and enthusiasm because I genuinely care and demonstrate how much I care by always making myself available to listen and guide them. I can do that for you.

Do you get frustrated if you don’t get a response when using online dating sites?

One of the most frequent complaints from users of online dating sites like Match and OkCupid is that responses are sporadic. In other words, you send out emails, and it feels as if they are going into a black hole, never to be seen or read. 

Well, there may be some truth to that. If you’re using online dating sites, there’s a real likelihood that you may be sending messages to someone who’s no longer there. Someone who is no longer active. Someone who met someone but never deactivated their profile, got busy, gave up, or never cared to begin with. Or the profile was fake. But that’s another story altogether, and if it was fake, better you never had to find out the hard way.  

Whatever the reason, the profile you’ve attempted to engage with is there, but the person behind it is MIA. The problem is no one told you, not even the dating site. So what should you do if you send out an email and don’t receive a response? 

1. Don’t take it personally. As I just said, online dating sites do very little to let you know if the owner of the profile you’re engaging with is an active subscriber or not. Numerous online dating platforms have faced lawsuits about this very issue. These suits specifically concern how many accounts are fake or inactive or accounts that were accidentally reactivated by the site when the user had deactivated theirs.  

2. Look for signs of life. On an online dating platform, that sign of life usually comes in the form of a green or yellow light that indicates the account holder is active or recently was. How active, though, you still may not be able to glean, given how many people window shop online.  

3. Check out when exactly the person was last online. In addition to the green or yellow light, many profiles include a timestamp of sorts underneath the name and location of the account holder to indicate when exactly the account holder was last online. Depending on the platform, it might say something to the effect of “Online now” or “Online 9 hours ago,” for example. Whatever the phrasing, look for this clue. If this information is missing, it may very well mean so is this person from the online dating world. 

4. Don’t get frustrated. I know; you’re already frustrated. It’s the reason you clicked on this article in the first place. But really, getting frustrated serves no good here. Employing online dating sites in your search for love is a means to an end. It’s a tool to help you, not the focus of your search, which means it shouldn’t consume you.  

None of these online dating platforms are perfect, and why you should use more than one (but no more than three) in your search. But if you do, you may want to try engaging with a more niche site, where you may not see the same people over and over. For example, if you’re using a site such as Match or OkCupid, which are more mainstream, you may want to consider an online dating site with a more focused community such as Jdate or Christian Mingle.  

5. Keep going. Online dating is a numbers game, which means you need to keep playing to increase your odds of winning. And by winning, I mean finding a first date and eventually a partner or a spouse. Your person. A real person. One who will answer your email on an online dating site, want to text and talk on the phone, and then want to meet you in person. It’s not magic, but when you find love and love finds you, it will sure feel like it is.     

7 Surefire Tricks for Writing a Standout Online Dating Profile

There are a lot of factors that go into writing a successful online dating profile. And not all of them have to do with the words on the page, though they, too, are important. One misstep, and it could be the reason why a potential match passes you by.

Instead, what you want your profile to do is cast a wide net while still including enough information that the reader can quickly determine if you meet their basic threshold for matchability. What you don’t want to do is disqualify yourself for something in your profile that isn’t actually an accurate depiction of who you are.

So, who are you? Well, you tell me. Or rather, tell your new love. So, here are a few tips on how to do it.

1. Write your profile when you’re in a good mood.

If you write your online dating profile when you’re feeling optimistic, your positive state of mind will jump off the page, literally. However, the same will happen if you’re negative; the person reading won’t be able to get away from you fast enough. I mean, would you want to date someone who makes some of the following statements, which, even worse, often show up in the first line of an online dating profile?

●       “I don’t know why I’m here.”

●       “Is anybody really going to read this?”

●       “My best friend told me I should try online dating.”

●       “I can’t believe I’m back on this site again.”

●       “I’m not sure why I’m doing this, but here goes.”

●       “I’m here to see what happens, but I don’t hold out much hope.”

I can say pretty matter-of-factly that I wouldn’t want to date you simply because you sound like you wouldn’t want to date yourself. That’s a swipe left, Bob. 

2. Say less, not more.

Don’t do what this writer did, which is to say way too much. The adage less is more applies to online dating profiles, too. Consider the following two statements:

My last relationship ended after I found out my husband was having an affair with my best friend from college. I’m still angry about it and trying hard to move on, so I thought I would get on this site.”

“ lost my job last October, and now I’m thinking about starting a new career since I haven’t gotten any leads yet, probably because of the current administration. Lol.”

Neither of these narratives is suitable for a first date, let alone an online dating profile. Both reveal far too much information about the writer’s life, don’t reflect positively on the writer, make the writer sound negative, and, especially in the case of the second statement, can be polarizing.

And that’s despite the “Lol,” which does the opposite of what the writer probably intended it to, and that is to draw attention to the statement while making themselves otherwise sound wishy-washy (read: passive-aggressive) about their political leanings.

3. Be truthful.

If you’re separated, say so. Separated isn’t divorced. If you have a Jewish divorce, a get, Mazel Tov, but, remember, you’re still married under U.S. law. The same is true if you’re separated, but your spouse doesn’t know about it; “technically” married is still married. The last I checked, you can’t be a little pregnant either.

If you’re 67 and look much younger, again, congratulations. But your chronological age is still 67, so don’t put 54 in your profile because people say you look like you’re 54. Lies by any other name (“I changed my age for search purposes) are still lies. Same for height.

When you lie, and people find out about it, they tend to feel duped. They also tend to wonder what else you may be lying about. They also tend to send you packing.  

4. Focus on what’s on the inside, not the outside.

Do you know what’s sexy? Self-confidence. Being an interesting person. Independence. Knowing what you want. Do you know what’s not sexy? Focusing on someone’s looks, beginning with your own.

The reason? Who you are is so much more powerful than what you look like. Have you ever noticed that a person, regardless of their appearance, becomes better looking as you get to know them and find out you enjoy their company, think they’re smart, respect their values, and can see what a kind person they truly are?

The reverse is also true.

5. Tell a story.

Writing your profile as a story, with a beginning, middle, and end, while weaving in elements of what qualities you’re looking for in a potential match can be pretty effective. First, it keeps the reader engaged. Second, the technique gets readers to want to know more. And third, it’s specific enough so that the reader has enough information about whether they want to pass on your profile or engage.

The idea is that your online dating profile stands out from the others. Telling a story — your story — is an easy and fun way to do that.

6. Run your profile by someone else before posting it.

Before posting your online dating profile, ask a few people to read it. They should be people you trust, who will give you their honest opinion. Look for readers from your target audience, too. They may be able to tell you something different than your best friend or your mother.

If you’re not comfortable asking anyone, then try this: read your profile aloud. Do it anyway even if you’ve already asked five people to be your guinea pig. Often when you read a piece of writing aloud, you can hear your speech differently than if you read it to yourself. The idea is to come off conversational and relatable, and sometimes you need to hear what you wrote to do that.

7. Proofread, edit, and spellcheck.

The idea is to engage your readers by having them focus on the positives about your online dating profile and, obviously, you. Not engage them because your profile is so bad they can’t bear to look away from it.

Poor grammar, bad editing, and spelling errors are huge deterrents to readers. They may read to the end simply because it’s that horrible or decide to keep scrolling by the second sentence. Either way, the outcome isn’t one you desire.

In this day and age, any mistakes in your profile are on you. Which means you hold the key to a great profile. And your heart.

Don’t Talk Yourself Out of a First Date. Here’s Why.

Have you ever scheduled a date with someone new and had second thoughts? Said to yourself or someone else, “Why am I even bothering to go?” 

If you answered yes, your response is normal. Summoning the strength to go on a date is no easy feat. It can feel like a lot to have to get dressed, drive to a location you may not have been, then be “on” for an hour or so with someone you’ve never met in person before. I’m tired just writing about it. 

But, and this is a big but, if you talk yourself out of going on that date you scheduled (unless, of course, there’s a really good reason, like you found out the person is married or has lied about their identity in some other substantial way), you may miss out on meeting your new love.  

Sound corny? You bet, but it’s true. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve gotten a phone call from a client right before a date, asking me how they could cancel in a polite way. I’ve received these calls sometimes within as few as 20 minutes before the date was to start. The biggest reasons? General disinterest and first-date jitters. 

Fortunately, I have advice for overcoming both. So, if this has ever happened to you, I suggest you continue reading.  

How can you overcome disinterest before a first date? 

It’s extremely important before a first date to make sure you’re in the right headspace. Otherwise, your date will feel like dominos falling, and nothing about the date or the person will fall into place. Your date, in other words, will probably leave you wanting more. Which means you won’t want anymore — from them, at least. Your relationship will have been over before it started. 

A way to become interested before a first date comes down to a few simple things, beginning with only scheduling dates with people you’re interested in seeing. That means, after a few text exchanges and a call or two, if you don’t want to meet that individual in person, then don’t. It’s not time wasted; it’s actually time saved. Your time is precious, and, therefore, you shouldn’t give it to just anyone. 

Once you’ve put that date on the calendar, prepare for it. If you’re the person planning the date, do your homework. That means considering your past conversations to pick a venue both of you will enjoy, one that isn’t too far away for the other person or remote.  

After that, generate excitement about the date — for the other person and yourself. Brush up on the details you’ve already learned about the person. And interact via text or a quick call before the date. Always confirm.  

If you’re not the one planning the date, still review what you know about the person you’re about to meet. Excite yourself. Imagine the potentially nice morning, afternoon, or evening in store for you. Think positively, instead of saying, “I know nothing’s going to come of this.” 

These few small actions will make you feel more invested. Not too much that you will feel disappointed if there’s no chemistry on the date. But enough that you’re setting yourself up, and the other person, to feel any chemistry that may exist.  

How can you overcome pre-first-date jitters? 

Doing most of the above will get the ball rolling for getting rid of or at least lessening those pre-first-date jitters you may feel. Beyond that, I have a few suggestions for taking the edge off. 

If you’re feeling nervous, make sure your internal narrative is positive. Remind yourself of all that you can offer to another person. Make a list if you have to of all the traits that make you appealing.  

Still a little jittery? Talk to a friend or a dating strategist like myself. Someone who can listen and let you bounce your fears or ideas off of. Sometimes it’s helpful to know you’re not alone in this. 

Finally, tell yourself it’s just a date. Take the pressure off of yourself. The only reason for a first date is to see if you like the person enough to move forward with them for a second date and to have fun. That’s it.  

Don’t go in thinking, “Is this person going to be my husband or wife?” That’s a lot of weight to put on a first date.  

My advice? Keep dating in perspective. It’s just that simple. And easy. Which is how dating should be.