Should You Get Back With Your Ex After a Breakup?

“Dumper” or “dumpee,” the question of whether you should get back together with your ex after breaking up seems to come up more often than not. After all, you rationalize, you got together for a reason, so there must have been a time when you were happy. So you think, “Perhaps we could capture that magic again.”  

You begin reflecting on the good times and miss them. And maybe, just maybe, they have been feeling the same. You consider sending “that” message. Though, hopefully, not the one Adam Levine recently sent. Or maybe your ex already tried to make contact with you.  

Regardless, before contemplating the bigger question of whether you should get back together, there are several questions you need to ask yourself first. Here they are. 

Why did you break up? 

If the answer to this question is that your relationship partner was abusive toward you, whether physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually, or financially, the answer should be NO. Don’t get back together. Abusers do not change; any form of abuse should always be a dealbreaker. Notwithstanding the fact that any type of abuse puts you in harm’s way, you deserve better.  

Similarly, if your ex was a serial cheater or pathological liar, chances are, they have not changed either, so I would not recommend taking that ex back, either. Again, you deserve better.  

However, if you broke up due to issues that could have been resolved with proper communication, such as slowly becoming disenchanted with each other over time and feeling unappreciated in the relationship, there are several other factors you should consider before making a decision to get back together. Read on. 

How long has it been since your breakup? 

If you broke up yesterday, chances are, neither you nor your ex had the chance to introspect and learn from your relationship, which means that if you were to get back together today, you would pretty much be picking up right where you left off.  

Get back together too soon and have the same fights and continue to feel dissatisfied with certain aspects of your relationships, you will likely end up breaking up again, and that is no fun. The bottom line is that without changing anything about your past relationship, and yourselves for that matter, you are pretty much doomed to repeat the same behaviors that compromised your relationship in the first place, which will only prolong the heartache of your breakup. Only time apart can bring perspective.  

However, if it has been several weeks or months, or even years later, and you and your ex just randomly stumble on each other in a coffee shop, for example, there is a chance that the person you are meeting now is no longer the person you remember them being. Time is a strong healer; as you go through life, each of your experiences is formative, and the wisdom you acquire (hopefully) can change you little by little until you emerge with a more mature perspective on life. 

That said, it is also possible that you have spent too much time apart. Upon reacquainting yourself with your ex, you may realize that you are now too different from each other. Or that you have been putting them on a pedestal in your mind all this time and actually do not want to be with them anymore. Finally, you may have simply been missing the idea of them. They may feel similarly about you, which can still be heartbreaking to realize.  

Additionally, there is the possibility that despite the passage of time, you or your ex have not matured at all. That is why the next question is critical for determining whether reconciliation is possible or even a good idea.  

What have you learned from your breakup? 

Given that you did not break up with your ex for a fundamental, unforgivable dealbreaker such as abuse, the reality is that you went wrong somewhere in your relationship. It is easy to pin blame on your ex and reflect on everything they did to you, but if you aim to get back together with them, you need to abandon your victim mindset. It is pretty much a given that you made mistakes in your relationship, too. 

Maybe you struggled with communication, or you were the one who did not appreciate your ex. Maybe you used to press their buttons — deliberately. Whatever it was, you need to have the understanding that there is something to learn from past mistakes in your relationship so that you can most effectively avoid making those mistakes again and bringing about another breakup. You also want to make sure you are getting back together for the right reasons, not because you are lonely. 

Are you willing to put in the work? 

After spending time apart, you will need to recognize that you simply cannot pick up where you left off. You and your ex should be different people now; hopefully, both of you have learned from your breakup, worked on yourselves and your issues, and are willing to put in the effort to move forward together.  

You will need to take time to reacquaint yourself with each other. You will also need to rebuild the trust you may have lost as a result of your breakup and time apart. 

More importantly, you will need to be patient with each other and set realistic expectations. Most likely, your relationship did not end all at once, even if it came to a head in a single event. Your relationship's demise was most likely a slow breakdown, as you each engaged in habits that left the relationship weaker.  

Final thoughts … 

You are not perfect, and neither is your ex; you each may backslide into some old habits that previously hurt your relationship. However, for your relationship to continue, what you need to do is be cognizant of these bad habits, catch yourself engaging in them early, and work together to create the relationship you both claim to want. Remember, it takes two to break up as much as it does to make up.   

When You Notice Your Partner Is ‘Quietly Quitting’ Your Relationship

There has been a lot of conversation post-pandemic about people who are “quietly quitting” their jobs, or at least thinking about it. If you're unfamiliar with the term, when you quietly quit your job, you still show up for work but come with a commitment to yourself to only do what your job description requires to keep yourself employed. No more, no less. Unfortunately, the result for those who quietly quit is generally a demonstratable lack of enthusiasm for the position, a subtle refusal to put in extra effort when asked, and an unwillingness to seek out additional projects or hours to impress the powers that be.

Though quietly quitting is a less obvious way for employees to express their dissatisfaction with the pre-pandemic status quo, which favored a work-life balance with an emphasis on the work part, employers are taking notice. Why? They can see and feel the difference in not only output but attitude. The same holds in relationships.    

Romantic partners may quietly quit their relationships, as described in this recent article from the New York Post, gradually becoming complacent about their partners but not pulling the plug. It seems to happen slowly at first and can look like this: Your partner stops doing the little things that make you feel loved and important. Then they stop doing the bigger things, like spending time with you. Indeed, it can feel like you're single, although you’re still in a committed relationship.

The emotional neglect you face as a result can be devastating. However, when you confront your partner about the issue, they may say they’re just busy. They may claim they don’t want to break up if you press them, that everything is fine. But you know there’s more to their behavior and want to understand why. If this sounds familiar to you, read on.

Why is my partner quietly quitting emotionally on me?

To help explain why some people may quietly quit their relationships, it’s helpful to first look at why people quietly quit their jobs because the reasons aren’t all that different. For example, people quietly quit their jobs because they’re stuck in a toxic work environment or have a horrible boss, causing them to stop caring about their work.

However, because these individuals need a paycheck, and it doesn’t seem like there are any promising job prospects for them at the moment, or they don’t feel like putting in the effort to go through a job search, they stay. That is, at least until their boss puts them out of their misery by letting them go, after which they have no choice but to search for a new job. Yet another reason for staying is they haven’t decided for sure that they want to quit because maybe they’re worried the grass may not be greener somewhere else.

In relationships where one partner quietly quits, the complacent partner may similarly have one foot in the door and the other foot out. This behavior invariably makes their partner a placeholder until someone better comes along, they take the leap and make the break themselves with no one waiting in the wings, or the neglected partner does them a favor and kicks them to the curb.

In the meantime, the quietly quitting partner continues to gain the benefits of being in a relationship, putting in only the minimum effort to get what they need. Yet, at the same time, their mind wanders, and their eyes look elsewhere. Of course, they don’t want their partner in the way a partner in a healthy relationship should, but they don’t want to be alone, so they stick it out for the time being.

The unfortunate part is that all too often, the neglected partner tries harder, at least at first, and puts more of themselves into the relationship to return to that sweet spot when they first felt a spark. But, unfortunately, when that doesn’t work, the neglected partner pulls away too, causing the relationship to devolve further, perhaps end.

Both partners can probably agree that they each deserve better, with one person usually wanting to try making it better, i.e., the person who’s not quietly quitting. So, short of ending the relationship and in the interest of saving it, what can be done to prevent a partner from quietly quitting their relationship?

What can I do to stop my partner from quietly quitting our relationship?

The first step is to speak up and tell your partner how you’re feeling, specifically that you’re feeling neglected and your needs aren’t being met. That said, don’t cast blame. Instead, use language that begins with “I” rather than “You,” as in “I feel,” not “You make me feel.”

After that, your job is to listen to your partner’s responses, gauge them against what you believe to be accurate, consider what role you may have played in causing their behavior, and seek to make changes to your own actions (if that’s how you decide to proceed). You may also want to come out and ask your partner if they would like to end the relationship. If they say no, that they would like to stay and work on it with you, you need to commit to this process together.   

However, if you find over time that your partner’s words don’t match their actions, that they’re still complacent about you and the relationship, you need to be clear about your path. The worst thing you can do is cling harder to your partner because, just as in physics, where every action has an equal and opposite reaction, so, too, will your partner, with them likely pulling further away. At this point, there’s one thing you can do, and that is to leave the relationship.

Final thoughts …

Healthy relationships are satisfying for both partners. No one should feel their partner is quietly quitting on them, and no one should feel complacent about the partner they’re dating. If you believe you’ve become complacent about dating in general and that quietly quitting relationships is a pattern, perhaps you’re suffering from dating burnout and either need a break or a new approach to picking your partners.

Regardless, if either scenario is the case, the relationship should end, and both you and your partner should move on to find someone special who will fulfill you. Not all relationships are meant to last. So take your cues and free yourself to find one that will.

7 Ways to Show Support for Your Partner During Difficult Times

We all go through rough patches in our lives. Part of being a good partner is being supportive during difficult times. Of course, that is often easier said than done, not only because you may not have been the partner you wanted to be previously, but also because you may not have known how to. What follows is a discussion about how you can show your partner you are there for them when they may need you most.

1. Check in with them.

If you notice your partner is feeling down and not acting as they usually do, such as isolating themselves, acting irritable or angry, or appearing like they are in a funk, start by checking in on them. A simple, “Is something upsetting you?” can be a good jumping-off point. However, some people are more forthcoming about their feelings than others. 

Should this be the case with your partner, or they have a history of passive-aggressive behavior, ask yourself if there is something you could have done to upset them. If you are not aware of anything, look to factors in your partner’s life that may be responsible: a challenging time at work, a sick relative, a disappointment, or a life change, to name a few possibilities.

Next, communicate to your partner that you noticed they have not been their usual self and seem like they may not be OK. Explain what you have noticed that has led you to this conclusion. By doing so, you open the door for your partner to confide in you about what is going on.

Now, how you respond from here will be key to how adept you are at being a supportive partner. This is why you should …

2. Just listen at first.

If you are lucky and your partner shares with you why they are upset, simply listen. Let them get everything they need to off of their chest first before speaking. Depending on what the issue is, you may instinctually want to tell them their problem is not that big of a deal, they are overreacting, or you can fix it for them.

While these comments may be true and come from your heart, this isn’t necessarily what your partner wants to hear. At least just yet. So, when they have finished speaking to you, ask this: Would you like to hear my thoughts about what you just told me?

If your partner says yes, tread carefully. It still doesn’t mean you cut loose and say anything and everything that is on your mind. Instead, do the following.   

3. Ask what you can do to support them.

Whether or not you know or have some understanding of why your partner is feeling unhappy, your next step should be to ask them what you can do to provide them with the support they need. However, you still need to be careful not to take on their problems and try to fix things for them. This may make people feel overwhelmed, resentful, or even smothered.

Depending on how your partner reacts to stress, they may ask for some space. It can be very difficult to give it to them. But it is critical to the health of your relationship that if your partner communicates such a need you listen.

Make clear to your partner that if they need space, it is OK. However, also let them know they can depend on you for emotional support if they choose, and you will be there for them if and when they do.

4. Find ways to bring your partner joy and show them how much you appreciate them.

When your partner is dealing with problems from other aspects of their life, one of your greatest assets as their partner is that you can help them escape for a little bit. Rather than reminding them of what is bringing them down, you can be a haven for happiness. You can do this in a variety of ways.

You can use their love language, as described in Gary Chapman’s “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts” to determine what type of attention they would respond to best. For example, if your partner’s love language is words of affirmation, you can give reminders of how much you love and care for them and how wonderful you think they are. Or if their love language is time, give them more of it.

Maybe you can plan a fun date night, such as going to that new restaurant you have been meaning to try and then getting ice cream, or a night in playing games and watching a movie. It doesn’t matter, as long as your partner is receptive.

5. Don’t make the problem about you (unless it is about you).

When you are in a relationship and your partner admits that they are unhappy, even if the source of unhappiness is unrelated to you, it can be difficult to separate yourself from their feelings and think it stems from you anyway.

You may try to absorb their unhappiness and fix the situation for them as a result. However, in doing this, as discussed earlier, you risk overstepping your partner’s boundaries, angering them, causing resentment, or making them feel smothered. Furthermore, you risk your own mental health by working to fix someone else and what’s likely beyond your control.

6. That said, don’t let your partner make you the villain (unless you are).

Sometimes, when a partner is going through stress, they may become angry and irritable, taking out their negative feelings on you. They may criticize you, make you feel bad, or get angry with you very quickly.

While you may sympathize with their plight, this kind of behavior is unacceptable because it can lead to other abusive behaviors. Therefore, you need to make it clear from the beginning that you will not tolerate this treatment. In other words, you should enforce your own boundaries. If you are still having trouble …

7. Ask for outside help.

When your partner is going through a hard time, you may feel like you are going through a hard time, too. And your relationship during this time may suffer as a consequence.

We often think of relationships as 50-50. But a true 50-50 dynamic is impossible at every moment, as there will sometimes be a partner who may need more than they are able to give. Your dynamic may mean both of you need an added pair of hands, an empathetic ear, or advice.

If your partner doesn’t appear to be making any progress or lacks the ability to handle their problems, even with you there, you may want to help them seek assistance from a mental health professional. If you need assistance getting them to this point, look to others in your and their network for support.

Final thoughts …

When you are the one supporting your partner, it is important that you engage in self-care. To that end, see your friends and family, engage in your favorite hobbies and pastimes, and spend time away from your partner to clear your head.

Also, if you feel you could benefit from a mental health professional, seek that out as well. Just as you wouldn’t expect your partner to get through a difficult time on their own, neither should you.

When Your Love Loves Sports, And You Don’t

You don’t like sports, but your partner, you’re starting to think, is obsessed. You really want to make your relationship work, but you’re having trouble getting on board with the constant games and their interference in your life. You find sports meaningless and boring. You feel a little silly for making sports such a point of contention in your relationship, but you can’t help how you feel.

Good news. As someone who has counseled couples for more than 30 years, I’m here to tell you that you shouldn’t feel bad. This is a problem that couples everywhere have been facing for years.

While some hobbies can be time-intensive, sports have the bonus factor of having games played at regularly scheduled times, often in the evenings during dinner and on weekends, afternoon and night. When your partner works during the week and devotes much of their weekends to watching sporting events, it may feel frustrating after a while because it appears as if they don’t have or aren’t interested in making time for you.

Not to mention, it’s making it crazy difficult to plan fun things to do with your partner over the weekends, such as day trips, work around the house, or longer excursions if your partner is simply choosing to be glued to the TV right in the middle of the day. That said, there’s hope. You and your partner should still be able to make things work. With a little effort, of course, some flexibility, and a willingness to compromise. Since you can’t control anyone else’s behavior, here are a few tips for how you can improve the situation.

Get your head in the game.

Getting your head in the game means not only tolerating your partner’s love for sports but trying to get into the sport(s) they love more than you are now. You can’t change your partner, and attempting to do so will only drive a wedge between you. Asking your partner to no longer engage in a hobby that they are deeply passionate about is akin to asking your partner to give up an important part of themselves. And belittling them for loving what they love could be deeply upsetting for them, so avoid saying things like, “Sports are stupid.”

Instead, embrace the reality that being a sports fan is part of who your partner is. Just as you have your hobbies, they have theirs. As a healthy partner yourself, the best thing you can do is find ways to be supportive, even of their love of sports. That may mean offering a degree of flexibility to your partner, as there will always be certain games they will want to watch in real-time. For example, a football fan will almost certainly want to watch the Super Bowl live. More broadly than that, and on a more regular basis, your partner may want to watch their favorite team play, which means they will not be available to spend time with you at those times — at least not away from those events. Hear me out.

To show support for your partner and get involved at a level comfortable for you, despite not loving the game itself, you could host weekly viewing parties or barbecues during the sports season, go to your partner’s favorite sports game in-person occasionally as a fun date (everyone still needs their alone time with friends), or to a restaurant/bar that has the game on TV, and even occasionally wear your partner’s favorite sports jersey, even if just around the house, to show support for their team. Your partner may actually find that sexy, depending on how you play it off.

Open up the floor for a discussion about the role sports play in your relationship.

While many sports fans enjoy long, happy relationships with non-sports fans, sports can spell trouble for your relationship if your partner consistently chooses to watch the game over spending time with you. The thing is, your sports fan may not realize how their behavior is affecting you. After all, they’re busy watching sports. Which is why it’s up to you to let them know. In a nice way, naturally.

Open communication is the key to any healthy relationship. Without it, you risk resorting to unhealthy coping mechanisms, like passive-aggressive behavior, which can negatively affect a relationship over time. If you love your partner, you most certainly don’t want that. So speak up now. Then suggest ways you can each compromise.

It may mean your partner watches some games with you, and others on their own or with friends. At the beginning of the sports season(s), you could also go over the game schedule of your partner’s favorite team(s), then plan ahead for your dates and weekend trips, giving your partner the time to figure out how to work their love of sports into a schedule that works for both of you.

You can likewise communicate (nicely) to your partner that watching sports isn’t your jam. As much as your partner doesn’t need to change what they enjoy (or don’t), neither should you. But what it is that you still must be is respectful.

To that end, if you feel yourself mentally checking out every time your partner starts talking about sports with you, let them know that you don’t love talking about sports all the time, but be sure to make more of an effort to be engaged when you do. Then pivot to other topics. If you’re truly compatible as a couple, that compatibility will show up in other areas of your life. And if you realize you can’t find other common ground, well, that’s something you should think about delving into more seriously.

Finally, and just as importantly, if your partner tells you how your ambivalence about sports makes them feel, hear them out. Listening is as important in healthy communication as speaking up is. Then ask yourself: What am I going to do about it?

Compromise for the win.

Strong relationships are all about how well you can each compromise. Just as your partner can’t expect you to become a sports fan overnight or ever, you can’t expect your partner to give up sports forever. Instead, work with your love to find a happy medium for both of you, ensuring that you still have plenty of quality time together on and off the field — so neither one of you winds up playing the field somewhere else.

Are You Dating Someone Emotionally Unstable?

It’s the honeymoon stage of dating. The person you’ve been dating appears perfect or pretty close to it. You have intimate conversations and lots in common. Not to mention, the sex is amazing. You fall hard, believing this may be it. You’ve finally found your match. 

The problem is, while your partner was courting you, they were on their best behavior. And as you grew more comfortable with them, so, too, did they with you. Except now, you’re not so sure you always like what you see. Their mask, it seems, has started to slip, and they have these moments of instability when it feels like you don’t know them at all.  

You suspect they may be emotionally unstable, but they already have your heart. This realization can be devastating. Is your relationship doomed? The answer is not necessarily. 

But first, what is emotional instability, and how can you identify it?  

Emotional instability describes an individual’s inability to regulate their emotions and behaviors at any given time. When dating someone emotionally unstable, you may feel as though you’re walking on eggshells with them. The most classic symptom of emotional instability is mood swings.  

Emotionally unstable people are often volatile. Anything can set an emotionally unstable person off, and you never know if you will be dealing with Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde until you are. They get angry easily and are prone to outbursts, which are usually set off by even the most seemingly minor misstep. They may also have episodes of prolonged crying or uncontrollable laughter.   

An emotionally unstable partner is typically keen on drama. It seems like they’re just a magnet for it. It may even be the case that their family is overly dramatic, too. This may be so because emotional responses can be rooted in both genetic and environmental factors. 

Emotionally unstable individuals tend to complain frequently and have a strong sense of entitlement, creating an air of negative energy around them. In talking to them, they may simply feel too intense.  

During a conversation with an emotionally unstable partner, you may notice their sense of empathy is impaired. If you seek their emotional support, they may steer the conversation back to themselves. They may also try to one-up you, meaning that if you say you had a bad day, they will make it about them and even claim their day was worse. In the same vein, if you say you have a goal, their goal will be grander than yours.  

More nefariously, emotionally unstable people may exhibit manipulative tendencies. They may gaslight you if you call them out on their emotionally unstable behavior, causing you to question your own sanity as a result. 

Even in their everyday lives, in between overt emotionally unstable behavior, there may seem to be instability surrounding them. When faced with a problem, they may seek an irrational solution, such as running away. They may be habitually late to work and may not even check up on their health or take their medications on a regular schedule. 

As for you, the person navigating a relationship with an emotionally unstable partner? These behaviors can all take their toll. Fortunately, there are strategies to handle them.  

How can you deal with an emotionally unstable partner? 

Just because your partner is emotionally unstable doesn’t mean they are a bad person and that the relationship has to end. There are plenty of ways to help keep your partner in check, as well as potentially help them practice regulating their emotions more effectively. 

First, you should observe your partner’s behaviors. You may notice that certain stimuli may trigger their emotions and, therefore, do your best to avoid those. In doing so, you may need to remind yourself that, despite your partner’s words and their pointing blame at you, you didn’t do anything wrong or deserve it. You should also seek the perspectives of others to help gauge whether your partner’s reaction or the depth of it in an isolated situation was warranted.  

In the event that your partner has an outburst, keep calm. You can’t control others, but you can control yourself. So refrain from playing into their heightened emotional state, as this can cause the behavior to escalate.  

Last but certainly not least, let go of trying to get in the last word. Instead, demand respect and walk away. Give your partner time to calm down, and, in the meantime, don’t fall for any of their manipulative tactics which are likely designed to keep you engaged. It’s a lose-lose for both of you. 

Final thoughts … 

While you may love your partner and want to help them, it’s not your job to fix them. All you can do is be supportive, which may include suggesting they seek therapy as well as seeking therapy for yourself.  

However, if at any time it becomes too much, if you feel as if you’re losing yourself in the relationship, compromising your health and wellbeing, and becoming emotionally unstable, too, it’s time to reevaluate.  

In a healthy relationship, both partners’ personalities need to mesh with one another. Love doesn’t necessarily mean compatibility. And you deserve to experience both.   

Signs the Person You Are Dating May Already Be in a Relationship

You have started seeing someone new. Good for you! Even better, you are slowly becoming excited about the relationship, “catching feelings,” as the expression goes, hoping to see where things lead. But, and there always seems to be a but, you have this feeling in the pit of your stomach. Something feels off about your new partner, but you are not quite sure what. 

Then you start to wonder: Maybe it is because they are already in a relationship with someone else. Is this why I don’t feel like they are all in? 

Unfortunately, your gut is usually correct. Cheating is rampant, especially online. Also, many times, while exiting a relationship, people wind down slowly and begin to seek out new connections, all the while keeping the old relationship going for the sake of security. Then, when they know they have somewhere or, rather, someone to go to, they say their goodbyes (hopefully, they do not “ghost”) and are off.

Whatever the impetus is for the behavior, dating someone who is unable to give you their full attention is not anywhere you should want to be. So to avoid being put in this position unwittingly, it is important to know the signs that indicate the person you are dating may, in fact, be in a relationship. Here they are.

You only hang out at your place.

You find, for example, that you are only spending time with your new love interest at your place. In fact, you have never gone to their place. Instead, they always insist on coming to you, even if you offer to hang out there. 

At a minimum, you should want to get your lay of the land. Whether they are neat, sloppy, or have a flair for interior design. And yes, whether someone else is living there or has a drawer.

You meet up in public at out-of-the-way places. 

If you do go out, it is always to somewhere far from where your love interest lives or works or where they could possibly run into someone they know. You never go to their local watering hole or the new restaurant everyone has been dying to try. And there is always an excuse why you cannot. 

They only pay with cash. 

Another potential red flag to look out for is that when you do go out, they use only cash to pay. This happens even when the purchase is expensive. Is there a reason why they don’t want the electronic trail?

They are never free on weekends or holidays.

The answer is always no when you ask if they are available for plans over a weekend or holiday. You also never hear from them during these times. They are traveling and will not be able to access their phone, they have to work, or they already have plans with friends. The reasons are endless.

Sure, people are busy, but when you are moving along in a relationship and hoping for something more serious, you tend to invest more time in each other. So, at best, they may be unavailable or uninterested in the same level of commitment you are, and, at worst, they may already be committed to someone else during these times, which is why you have been relegated to weeknights only. 

They are secretive about their phone.

When you are with them, how do they handle their phone? Does it feel like they are hiding it? Alternatively, if you can see where they keep their phone, is it always on “Do Not Disturb”? Indeed, these simple behaviors could indicate that they do not want to be distracted by their phone when with you (win!), but they could also mean they are hiding what their phone could reveal about them.

Another scenario: They may not hide their phone at all, and, instead, you notice that when you are with them, they get lots of text messages and phone calls. Of course, some people may, for whatever reason, get lots of texts and calls. However, when they are with you, they never pick up. 

Moreover, if you are not with them and you decide to call, do they usually let the call go to voicemail and call you back later? How long does it take them to call you back? And, do they only call you at certain times, like during the work day? 

If they are involved with someone else, they may wait an extraordinarily long time to call you back, perhaps days. And, naturally, that delay will also come with an excuse for the delay. 

You don’t know anyone else in their life.

You have been dating for a while now, but you have yet to meet their family, friends, or coworkers. Even if they have already met important people in your life, they have nonetheless been reluctant to introduce you to anyone they know, anyone of significance, that is, despite you expressing an interest in meeting others close to them or coming right out and asking why you have not. 

You begin to feel like your relationship exists only in a bubble, and no one else knows about you. Are they hiding you because they are seeing you on the side?

They appear to be indifferent to you.

When you are with the person you are dating, you feel as though they are not invested in you. They rarely ask you anything about your past or get into any deep conversations, especially about where the relationship is going. 

When you ask questions that could prompt them to open up about themselves or their past, they remain guarded. They give you the same spiel they already have and then shift the conversation right back to you. You never learn anything beyond the narrative they shared at the beginning and likely have shared with many others. 

Additionally, you may find that they are wildly inconsistent in their communication, sometimes taking long periods to answer texts or calls while other times disappearing for days or even weeks at a time. You may also find that they have no problem flaking on your plans at the last minute and that when you do spend time together, it is never for more than a few hours.

If they are already spoken for, they may be acting this way because they do not want to become emotionally invested in someone (you) that they are only seeing on the side. Regardless, this behavior indicates that they are not serious about you.

Their social media is on lockdown.

They claim they do not have social media, and if they do, they keep it on lockdown. They tick their settings to the most private modes possible, so if you are not connected, you can’t see anything about them. If you are, they restrict your access without your knowledge. Another possibility is that they refuse to accept your friend or follow requests when you send them. None of these scenarios are good or indicative of a healthy relationship, one with a future.

Their social media is open, but you can’t quite figure out what’s what.

They post regularly, and the same individual keeps liking or commenting on the photos. Or they are tagged in photos with the same person, looking chummy. They may be together, but you can’t really tell. Are they friends? What should you make of this? 

You ask but don’t feel satisfied with the answer. Maybe they are a very private person, and you are just being paranoid. Still, you feel the secrecy surrounding you having access to their social media points to them being in another relationship or at least hiding their personal life from you. Again, neither makes you feel good. 

Final thoughts …

Speaking of good, good is how healthy relationships are meant to make you feel — about yourself and about the person you are with. If all signs are pointing to the possibility that there is someone else in the mix besides you, go ahead and confront the person you are dating. 

They may come clean when asked directly. Or their lame excuses and behavior may be all the proof you need to finally move on, leaving them to their priorities, which clearly don’t include you. And isn’t this all the information you need to know anyway?

Why Single Men Are More Lonely Than Women - Study

A recent article in Psychology Today says that men are increasingly lonely because of the modern dating climate. Greg Matos, the author of the article in question, predicts that this loneliness is going to get even worse in the coming years.

Matos writes that men’s opportunities for finding romantic relationships are reduced because of increasing dating standards and competition. He argues that, in response, men need to address a variety of internal issues to accommodate these increased standards.

Why? Because relationships tend to be crucial for men’s happiness and health. So this increase in singledom and loneliness is potentially problematic for men’s mental and physical well-being.

Why are men more likely to be single?

Matos attributes the increase in single men to three main reasons: dating apps, modern relationship standards, and men’s skills deficits.

Men are overrepresented on dating apps — around two-thirds of the people on dating apps are men. Coupled with how women prefer men who are emotionally available and communicative and who share similar values, Matos says that it makes sense that men are increasingly single and lonely. 

Emotional availability and communication are skills that men are often not as well-versed in as their partners would like. Indeed, this skills deficit can be harmful when trying to find a partner, especially given that the modern dating climate allows women to be selective and find partners who are emotionally available and good fits for them.

As dating apps become more prolific and finding partners offline becomes harder, so the theory goes, finding a good match online will become harder for men.

How can being single be hurtful?

Being single can lead to feelings of loneliness, which is associated with a number of negative health effects, from substance abuse to depression and suicide. Long-term loneliness also has negative physical health implications, such as cardiovascular disease.

Single men are also more likely to be depressed than married men. Married men are more likely to be satisfied with their life in retirement and are more likely to live longer.

Research supports the idea that marriage is healthy for men. Men who are married are more likely to have better heart health, have better chances of fighting cancer, and have a reduced risk of Alzheimer’s disease.

In addition to health, economic prospects might also be worse if you are single. Research from Pew Research Center found that unpartnered adults were less likely to be employed than partnered adults — 75% of unpartnered adults were employed, compared to 82% of partnered adults. Unpartnered adults’ median earnings are also $14,000 less.

Because the modern dating climate is so competitive for men and women alike, being single may become self-perpetuating in certain circumstances. If a man is unable to find a partner because he is emotionally unavailable, for instance, he may feel lonely and, therefore, depressed. His depression may then lead to him being further emotionally unavailable, not finding a partner, and repeating the cycle.

Responses to Matos’ article

The response to Matos’ argument has been varied, with women generally supporting his assertions and men generally taking issue with them.

Many men disagreed with Matos’ piece. Matos has received hate mail from men who read the piece and disagree with the arguments he made. Some felt that Matos’ call to action, which encouraged men to work on their mental health, was uncalled for.

However, many women have argued that rising relationship standards are not actually that high but rather are just not what men are taught to do in relationships. Matos echoes a similar sentiment in his article, writing that, “Emotional connection requires all the skills that families are still not consistently teaching their young boys.” 

What can men do?

If being single is so negative and loneliness-inducing for men, what can they do to combat it? 

Matos suggests individual therapy to help men further their emotional development and address their issues, which might be preventing them from being emotionally available with their partners. 

Because therapy requires talking through feelings and ideas, it can improve communication skills and help to manage emotions or stress. These benefits can help get rid of the major hurdles for men in romantic relationships, according to Matos’ argument.

In addition to working on mental health, nurturing existing relationships can play a key role in reducing feelings of loneliness. Romantic relationships are not the only important relationships in life, and though being partnered may have its benefits, focusing on other relationships in addition to romantic ones can help to better social, mental, and physical health. 

Making an effort to talk to family members on a consistent basis, for instance, may help people feel less lonely. Similarly, reaching out to friends and spending time with loved ones in a platonic or familial way can be beneficial for health.

Even when men are in a relationship, relying solely on their partner may not be the best route. Other studies reveal that 66% of men rely on their wives for their primary social support, and 10% of men have no such social support. Fostering friendships and familial connections can, therefore, help men to have a nuanced and healthy social support network.

Conclusion

Matos writes that men need to see “intimacy, romance, and emotional connection as worthy of your time and effort.” Ultimately, a shift in perspective is needed.

Though working on mental health and intimacy can be difficult, the result is positive for everyone involved. Men are able to have a better relationship with themselves, all while trying to find someone to have a romantic relationship with. 

The bottom line? Men may be more likely to be lonely in modern dating, but if they take steps to help themselves, they do not have to be.

Are You Always the ‘Fixer’ in Your Relationships?

Fundamentally, a relationship with a fixer resembles a project. You meet someone who’s going through some fundamental struggles, whether emotionally, financially, or otherwise, so you take it upon yourself to fix their problems. Your partner’s happiness is your onus; you must do whatever it takes to minimize their pain and maximize their happiness. If they are facing a struggle, you make it your obligation to swoop in and save the day. After all, you are their partner, and they need you.

In the event your relationship ends, your conclusion might be that you simply didn’t try hard enough to save your partner. Then, inevitably, you stumble across someone else who you perceive to need saving, and another hero-victim relationship ensues. 

How does someone become a fixer?

There’s no single way that someone becomes a fixer, though the relationship pattern can be explained by attachment theory. Attachment theory suggests that the relationship children have with their parents at a young age can play a role in how they perceive relationships as adults. 

For instance, a child who has an emotionally unstable relationship with their parents, in which they are parentified or have to earn the love of their parents, being forced to put the needs of others above their own, may result in them developing a fixer mindset as an adult. Meaning that they will continue the pattern of absolute selflessness and codependency in their relationships as adults because it is what they were taught is normal growing up.

Why is this potentially a bad thing?

On paper, it might sound like a good thing that you want to do whatever it takes to fix your partner. After all, in your mind, if you love your partner, you should want them to be the very best they can be, aspiring to perfection. And by selflessly helping them, you perceive yourself to be cultivating their growth.

However, you must stop to ask yourself about your needs. Relationships are a two-way street, with an exchange of giving and taking. You give and give, but do you ever receive? You may feel as though you are losing your core sense of self in your relationship. You may completely lack boundaries, with “no” being the most menacing word in the dictionary. In other words, you’re taking on another person’s woes, which neglects the issues that you’re facing, chipping away at your mental health, boundaries, and self-esteem over time.

You may make the argument that you do not mind existing for the needs of others. You’re a martyr, after all. That being said, it’s also counterintuitive to the emotional growth of your partner to be a fixer in your relationship. It’s deeply painful to see our partners hurt and struggling, which is why we may feel the urge to swoop in and make things better for them. But pain is an effective teacher; sometimes, we have to make our own mistakes just so we can learn from them. Or sometimes, we need to solve our problems on our own and establish healthy boundaries. 

Your partner may want you to give them space so that they can take the time to reflect and learn and ultimately come back stronger. That would likely be the mindset of a partner with healthier boundaries. Fixers have a tendency to attract partners with an unhealthy mindset, pathologically wrought with problems, which results in them using you, establishing a codependent dynamic, and also potentially putting the fixer at risk for narcissistic abuse.

What can you do to not be a fixer anymore?

The first step to fixing the fixer mindset is recognizing it. If you see this set of tendencies in yourself, then the very next person you should aim to fix is yourself. You may need to undergo deep self-reflection. It will likely be uncomfortable, as you will have to ask yourself what made you the way that you are. You may have to face childhood trauma, issues with your mother or father, and other formative childhood events that may have ingrained the fixer mindset in you. 

The path to ridding yourself of the fixer mentality is to reinforce within yourself that you deserve to be loved and cherished and that it’s not your duty to fix the person you’re dating. You could be able to achieve this realization through self-reflection, by talking to a trusted confidante, or by seeking the aid of a mental health professional.

While developing the theoretical understanding of who you are, you will need practical tools to aid you in your everyday relationship to steer you away from fixing. How? Well, to put it simply, stop fixing your partner. This can feel difficult and foreign at first, but you may need to take a step back and tell yourself that there’s nothing more you can do but be a shoulder to lean on for them 

Give your partner the love and support they need, but let them solve their conflicts on their own. Learn to establish boundaries. Remember, it’s OK to say no. Take care of who you are, and cultivate your sense of identity beyond your savior mindset. 

Once you fix yourself, you will then be in a prime position to attract others with similar relationship values. Your partner should be someone who looks to support you and help you grow, but not fix you altogether. You should be the same for them.

When They Say They’re Not Ready for a Relationship

Set the scene. You’ve been seeing the same person for a few weeks or even months now, and you feel the “deadline” of whether you should be becoming exclusive or not barreling toward you like an oncoming train. It takes you time to muster up the courage to ask, and when you finally do, with full gravity and a hint of relief, they tell you that they’re not ready for a relationship.  

All of a sudden, your imaginary scenarios of being happy with this person, perhaps even idealizations of the distant future, come to a screeching halt. What should you do now? 

Look at the behavior. 

Be honest with yourself: How is your dynamic? Are you always the one initiating conversations? Do they go days or sometimes weeks between dates or even talking to you? Do you hear from them during business hours or only late at night? Does it feel like you are at the bottom of their priorities, like they have time for everyone else in the world, but for you, their work schedule has been pretty hectic lately? 

Listen to your gut. When someone wants to be with you, you shouldn't need to ask these questions. You will know from their enthusiasm about dating you how they feel. And if you would like clarification anyway, if they’re as enthusiastic as they’re acting, they will give it to you, willingly. Everyone makes room for what matters in their lives, no matter how bad they claim they are at time management.  

However, if it feels like you’re the one pursuing them and that they’re disinterested in you, then the act of them telling you they’re not ready for a relationship is most likely their way of breaking things off. They’re letting you off easy, basically saying “It’s not you, it’s me” without even saying it.  

For whatever reason (and it shouldn’t matter to you what that reason is, only that there is one), they think you’re incompatible for the long haul, so do not give them any more mental space. Wish them the best, and move on to someone who actually is compatible with you, wanting what you do. 

Evaluate whether their words match their actions.  

What if they say they’re not ready for a committed relationship but like the way things are right now? Or they’ve already said “I love you,” “I want to be with you,” etc. but still don’t want a relationship right now. The answer is also simple but might not be what you want to hear. And that is either they don’t understand the significance of their words, or they do understand and are saying them to manipulate you into sticking around until they find someone they perceive to be better. 

“I love you” might be three words, but many consider the act of saying those words as highly significant in meaning. However, words must still match actions. If someone says they love you and want to keep seeing you, their actions should say the same. It’s a contradiction to say these words of affection and then be OK with the risk of losing you forever by saying they don’t want to commit to you.  

Another possibility is that the person you’re seeing is new to relationships and in over their head. Or, worse, they’re deliberately breadcrumbing you with words to keep you satisfied with as little as possible until they make up their mind about you, as in whether to eventually settle for you or pull the plug and pursue someone else.  

Unfortunately, none of these scenarios serve you, only them. The answer is, therefore, to move forward and find someone who will reciprocate your interest.   

Consider the male versus female mind.  

When looking for a long-term partner, men and women tend to have different mindsets. Women usually look for their Prince Charming, someone who checks off all their boxes and sweeps them off of their feet into a romantic happily ever after.  

Men, however, can meet woman after woman and not feel ready to settle down until a switch flips in their brain — perhaps all of their friends are beginning to settle down — and then marry the next woman they meet, perfect for them or not. Or they let a woman get away who could’ve been “wife material” and, instead, looked upon her in retrospect as the one who taught them how to be better, and the one who readied them for their next relationship, the serious, committed one. 

Ask yourself what you would do. 

Put yourself in the mind of someone who wants to be in a relationship. This should be easy to do, under the assumption that you want to be in a relationship with the person who claims to not be ready. When you want to be with someone, you would do whatever it takes to be with them, or at least not do things that would potentially scare them away, such as saying that you’re not ready to be in a relationship. 

If you truly want to be in a relationship with someone, you wouldn’t tell them you aren’t ready just for the sake of it. If you say these things, the reality is you’re saying what you mean. So if someone is saying these words to you, listen to them. And listen to me — you can do better.  

What Is Gaslighting and How Should You Address it in a Relationship?

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation in which someone deliberately tries to make you question your reality. It is typically seen with significant others and family members, but it can also occur between friends and even in the workplace. Gaslighting in any relationship is deeply problematic, as it is a sign that you are being victimized, specifically, emotionally abused. 

This form of emotional abuse can appear in a variety of forms. The gaslighter may minimize your feelings, telling you you are overreacting to an issue. They may question your memory, deny that an event occurred, fabricate new details, and even spin the event in question to place you at the point of blame. Alternatively, the gaslighter may claim not to remember the event at all.  

If you try to have a discussion with a gaslighter about something that happened, they may likewise refuse to do so or claim that you are trying to confuse them. And, if you do manage to get your point across, they may suddenly change the subject. In conversations with others, they may claim that you are forgetful and unable to recall events correctly or tend to make things up, tarnishing your credibility.  

So how do you protect yourself against such an individual? Here is what you need to know about gaslighting and how not to be a victim of it.

Why do people gaslight? 

The person gaslighting you wants you to doubt yourself and feel unsure about reality. The purpose of gaslighting you is to protect their image. It enables them to maintain power and control over you in your relationship, degrading your self-esteem and ability to perceive the world, including their abusive behaviors, as well as preventing you from being able to hold them accountable for their wrongdoing.  

People who gaslight may lack the ability to introspect or reflect upon their emotions. Although it may not seem so, they may have low self-esteem themselves. However, while some people gaslight consciously, others may not realize they are, as they have been doing it for so long that the behavior just feels natural to them. 

Gaslighting can be difficult to recognize. 

Gaslighting starts small at first and eventually snowballs into a regular occurrence. Gaslighting is a repeated form of manipulation with the intended goal of making you doubt yourself and your perception of reality. So, in the isolated instances of talking to someone who disagrees with your opinion, it is important to recognize that this person may not necessarily be gaslighting you, even if they are highly critical of you. Divergent opinions and disagreement can be a healthy part of relationships. The difference is its regularity and your awareness of how the behavior looks and makes you feel. 

To identify gaslighting in your relationship, ask yourself how you are feeling in your specific situation. Are you experiencing extreme doubt in yourself as a result of someone else’s treatment of you? Are you having trouble making decisions for yourself? Do you wonder if your skin is too thin as if you are being made to feel upset over nothing? Do you feel upset and confused or not like your normal self? Do you feel as though you are constantly apologizing even when you are confident you did nothing wrong? Are you avoiding your friends, family, and other people you care about and who care about you because you don’t know quite how to explain your situation?  

If your answer to many of these questions is yes, you are likely experiencing some form of gaslighting. The next question to ask yourself is thus, what are you going to do about it? 

How should you deal with gaslighting? 

First, you want to remain calm, as showing emotion over the situation can give the gaslighter further leverage over you. Additionally, emotions can cloud perception, and you are already in a situation where your truth is being questioned. Therefore, you want to maintain an objective outlook on reality. 

To that end, try to find a way to physically distance yourself from the situation in which you are being victimized, such as removing yourself physically. If you can, leave the room. Go for a walk. Drive away. Do anything you can to get away so you can collect yourself. If this is not possible, then try to apply meditative techniques to keep yourself calm.  

Once you are in a safe space physically and emotionally, you need to accumulate tangible evidence that your partner cannot speak against or claim you made up. Your credibility has been tarnished by your partner’s regular gaslighting already, so you need a way to build a case for yourself to corroborate everything you say. Your partner can try to deny your words, but it is harder to do with actual proof.  

Helpful pieces of evidence may include written correspondence, such as texts or emails, with dates and times. A good rule of thumb is to write down oral conversations you have had to the best of your recollection, quoting if possible. Record your conversations if legal, as some states are a one-party consent state for recording while others require two-party consent. Finally, take photos of any property your partner may have damaged.  

When this person does try to gaslight you again, speak up. They are trying their best to lower your confidence, so you must do whatever you can to preserve it. You need to demonstrate that their gaslighting is not working on you and that you believe in yourself, not them. No more second-guessing and over-analyzing what was once obvious to you. 

At the same time, focus on taking care of yourself. Practice your favorite self-care techniques, and remind yourself that you are not going crazy and can perceive reality just fine. Be sure to eat and sleep well, too, so you are feeling your best mentally and physically. Some helpful self-care techniques include meditation, exercising, spending time with friends and family, writing in a journal, and engaging in your favorite hobbies and pastimes. 

Final thoughts … 

If you are the victim of gaslighting, seek the support of your loved ones, and ask them about events your partner has called into question to give yourself a foothold in reality. Additionally, seeking professional help from a therapist can help you sort through your emotions and develop strategies to overcome your partner’s gaslighting, as gaslighting is a distinct form of emotional abuse. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, if the behavior persists, even if they attend therapy or you attend therapy together as a couple, distance yourself from them or leave the relationship altogether. You deserve better.   

How to Re-Enter the Dating Pool After Time Away

Whether you haven’t dated for a long time due to a long-term relationship or marriage, your personal life becoming too hectic, or because you decided to work on yourself, and you finally believe enough time has passed for you to reconsider dating once again, give yourself a hand. You have overcome, successfully I may add, one of the biggest hurdles in finding a match — getting started.

But now that you’re here, you’re probably also wondering: So, how do I get started? In real terms, that is. Good question. Because how you approach dating from the outset can affect drastically your experience and, along with it, your success.

It’s no secret that dating takes up a lot of time and energy. It can also raise all sorts of emotions, some of them negative. Consequently, doing too much and too soon can cause overwhelm, not to mention can lead to dating fatigue.

To prevent this from occurring, there are specific ways you can prepare for your dating journey before making your long-awaited return simply by answering a few questions. So, without further adieu, I pose the following to you.

How does the prospect of dating make you feel?

This is a good question because the answer may very well turn on what you were doing before you decided to return to dating. Maybe you were in a relationship and just broke up and are now wondering if it’s too soon for you to be coming back. Or you think you’re ready, you may even know you’re ready, yet something still doesn’t feel quite right.

It’s at this juncture you need to be honest and ask yourself if you actually want to be dating again as well as if you’re ready to be dating again. Dating can be emotionally taxing, so it’s OK if the answer is still no. Or if the answer is yes, but you acknowledge you may have some fear and trepidation about the prospect, and want to give it a try anyway to see if you can overcome the hesitancy you’re experiencing, that’s OK. If you want to meet someone new, you should. And if you want to work on yourself a little while longer, that’s alright as well.

The point is for you to be honest with yourself about where you are right now and then make a decision you can be comfortable with. But do make this decision without taking into consideration judgment from others about what you should be doing and when. Remember, it’s your life, so live it as you want to.

What steps have you taken to prepare yourself for dating?

Self-improvement and reflection are critical toward getting yourself ready to date again. You can accomplish these goals in a variety of ways. If you just got out of a long-term relationship, for example, ask yourself: What did I learn from my last relationship? This way, you will be less likely to repeat the mistakes you made. In the same vein, if you were out of the dating world because you were working on yourself, ask yourself: What changes have I made?

Introspection and self-awareness can be challenging, but once you recognize any patterns which may have been holding you back or insecurities you may have about yourself, you can work toward becoming a better version of yourself and someone who attracts high-quality matches. And by high-quality, I mean those who you can envision being a part of your life and a partner in your life.

As a corollary to this internal questioning, there are steps you can take to spruce up your physical appearance before you start dating this time around. These steps include cleaning up your diet, hitting the gym, investing in a new wardrobe, getting a haircut, and adopting a new skincare routine. When you present the best version of yourself, it often makes for feeling better and more confident while dating, attracting someone of the same caliber.

The same goes for adopting new interests or re-igniting in old ones. Everyone needs to be creative, to have an outlet through which they can challenge themselves mentally. This, too, will help you radiate and attract others. An added bonus is that your hobbies and activities make great conversation starters.

What are you looking for?

This question is surprisingly difficult for many people to answer, but it’s one that can be critical to your success. If you don’t know what you’re looking for, you may struggle to narrow your search to individuals who share the same relationship goals as you, including finding a long-term relationship or future spouse. Once you understand what and who you’re looking for, you can be proactive in your search and move on from dead-end relationships.

To that end, be cognizant of any potential deal breakers and red flags. If you don’t hit things off with your date, remember, you don’t need to continue seeing them. Make sure that you really like the person that you’re seeing and investing your time and energy in, and that they really like you, too.

How do you plan to find dates?

Of course, dating apps, bars, and singles events come to mind first. Although, these answers do lead to other questions, such as which dating apps to use, which restaurants and bars to adopt as your new watering holes, and which activities will best serve your objectives. After all, you can’t be everywhere.

Having a wingwoman or professional dating coach to guide you you can be extremely helpful. This way, you can direct your limited time in the most constructive ways possible, while still enjoying yourself. Speaking of which …

Are you ready to have fun?

Dating should be fun, not a chore. To keep it this way, take dating slow. Date with intention, the first intention of which should be to enjoy yourself. I can help. Contact me today.

Where's This Relationship Going? How to Keep Up A New Relationship's Momentum

Picture this: You’ve recently met someone. It’s been one, two, three, maybe four dates, and, BOOM, you feel a connection. Great, right? You bet it is.

Then, BOOM again. You have to travel, work on a new project, or have a lot of upcoming commitments with the kids. Any of which can put distance between you and the person you’ve just begun dating.

Is it over?

Well, that depends on how you play it. That’s because this in-between time, that time when you don’t know where a relationship is going yet, is critical. Momentum is what you need now, but life is doing what it does best — getting in the way.

So, what’s a single guy or girl to do? Be proactive about your dating life, of course. Otherwise, out of sight means out of mind. 

This means staying in regular contact. It means connecting with your new love interest in a meaningful yet not overbearing way. Balance is key, so here are a few tips for going about it.

Send texts.

How you text at the beginning of a relationship can make or break you. Too little, and you risk losing the person. Too many, and you can scare them away.

If you’ve met in person, you should be off the app or dating platform where you first met and texting each other directly. Texting etiquette still applies, though. That includes personalizing your messages so you don’t look like you’re spamming five people you’re dating, paying attention to the rhythm of your exchanges so that they’re balanced (you’re not blowing up the other person’s phone with five texts when you’ve received a response of only one), and paying attention to the time of day you begin conversations over text (not too early and not too late).

A good morning or goodnight text or a text asking how someone’s day is going is usually a safe way to begin a conversation. If the person answers within a reasonable period of time (see below), is polite, and is engaging, you can pretty much gauge their interest from there and whether you want to continue the conversation or even speak to future plans. Which is definitely smart if you won’t be able to see them for a while.

When texting, you should also not expect an immediate answer; someone could be otherwise engaged — in the shower, at work, with their kids, driving, away from their phone, or, yes, out on a date with someone else. Remember, you don’t know where this relationship is going yet, nor do you know this person well.   

Text a photo.

A picture can communicate a lot, most important of which is that you’re thinking of the person you’re sending it to and want to share a part of your day with them. Something you’re looking at — a sunrise, sunset, landscape, funny scene, your pet, sometimes you are all appropriate options.

However, with this last option, you want to be careful and not send too many photos of yourself, which can get obnoxious, even creepy. You also don’t want to send too many photos. As with any type of text, moderation should be the standard.

Pick up the phone and call.

What better way to keep in touch and express your interest than by picking up the phone and calling the person you’re interested in. Phone calls take the most effort, and dating prospects who aren’t serious about you generally won’t do it.

Related to the phone call is a video call. But with video calls, it may be helpful to schedule those in advance or ask first if they would be interested in communicating this way. That way, if they’re in their pajamas or somewhere they can’t speak, they won’t feel uncomfortable or put on the spot.

There is one caveat when it comes to phone calls  — they can be a way to perpetuate a pseudo-relationship. A pseudo-relationships is one that mimics a real relationship through intimate conversation but where in-person contact either never happens or becomes limited over time. So, if enough time passes and there are no plans on the calendar, you may want to consider moving on and not wasting time with this person.

Don’t ask (yet) where this relationship is going.

Want to kill a new relationship’s momentum? Ask where your relationship is going too early. The early stages of dating are for getting to know each other. Therefore, you don’t want to pressure the person you’ve just recently begun seeing or act needy. It’s a turnoff, to say the least.

If you’re a savvy dater and know how to spot the red flags and have a definitive yet rational list of deal breakers to stick to, you will more easily be able to distill from someone’s interactions with you whether they’re interested. Or, just as important, whether you’re interested in them. Instead, save your questions about where this relationship is going for when you’re actually in a relationship and need to make decisions about your future.

A last word …

New relationships take on a life of their own. They have a natural rhythm to them, especially when they’re going well. Much of that rhythm is dictated by how you handle outside pressures, pressures that may cause you to move slower.

But guess what? Slower isn’t necessarily worse. In fact, depending on how you play it, it can work in your favor, allowing you to get to know the person you’re seeing better before making critical decisions about taking your relationship to the next level too soon.

Solid, healthy relationships are built over time. That’s because you want the person you choose — and who chooses you — to be with for a long time.

Are Dating Events for Singles Worth Attending?

Good news: the world is opening up again post-Covid. That means you will probably start hearing about different events targeted at singles if you haven’t already. You will hear about them from dating apps, your friends, and the internet.

These events will be hosted in different venues and have different themes. They will be packaged differently, but the goal will always be the same: to put singles together.

This is great, and many of them will sound enticing, but — and there’s always a but — not all of these events will be worth your time. And your time is valuable. Therefore, you will want to qualify your events the way you would qualify your dates. Here’s why.  

1. Many of these events are attended mostly by women.

That offers excellent odds if you’re a guy but not so great odds if you’re a woman. If you’re looking to meet other women, there are ways to do that. But if you’re going to a singles event to meet a man and there are three men for every ten women, not only will your chances of meeting your next new love be limited, you may walk away feeling discouraged. That’s the last thing you want.

Every event you attend should be a confidence builder. It should also propel you further on your dating journey. You’re not spending your time well if you’re sitting on the sidelines watching other people engage in stimulating get-to-know-you-type conversations. So before you RSVP, ask the host who’s on the guest list. 

2. Not every singles event will be age-appropriate.

There are singles in every age group. I know; my clients range in age from their thirties to their eighties. That said, if you’re looking to start a family, attending a singles event for those over 50 may not be your best bet for finding a like-minded partner.

When dating, you need to consider whether the person you’re interested in is at the same stage of life you are. It’s not enough that you both enjoy the same dinner fare or like to ski. Your relationship goals also need to align. Age can play into that.

Again, ask the host who will be in attendance. One caveat: you will also come across dating events with no age range or a very large one. Still ask who’s coming because sometimes people sign up in groups, which can affect the demographic of the event one way or the other as word gets around.

3. Singles events will often focus on common interests.

Many singles events will focus on a specific interest. For example, the event may be for those who like outdoor adventures or for people interested in learning to cook a certain type of cuisine.

If neither of these pastimes appeals to you, and you’re looking for an event that caters to your interests, find an event that does. They’re out there.

Yes, opposites can attract. But a singles event is often a jumping-off point for a first date. So if you’re on a hike with a singles group but don’t enjoy hiking, you may not feel comfortable. Or, for that matter, want to do it again.

It’s great to expand your horizons and learn new skills. But if you choose to do it at singles events, make sure it’s for beginners like you if you are a beginner, so you meet people in the same situation as you. In other words, there needs to be common ground. Even if it’s a new skill, skill level can be the common ground you’re looking for. 

Final thoughts …

Do your research. There are so many opportunities to get out there and meet other singles. But you want to do it in an environment where you will feel confident. So ask questions of the host or the hosting company. You would vet your date before investing your time and money, right?

Singles events are no different. Just as it is on a date, the success you have at a singles event is very much a function of what you bring to the table. Except when it’s a singles event, that table can be any venue you choose. Choose wisely. 

Is Owning Crypto Sexy?

Good news for crypto enthusiasts looking for love — owning cryptocurrency may make you more desirable to prospective partners. A new survey from social investing platform eToro’s inaugural Crypto & Culture survey shows that people who mention crypto in an online dating profile are more likely to find success on the dating scene.

Indeed, 33% of Americans claimed they would be more likely to swipe right on someone who mentioned crypto in their online dating profile. More than 40% of men and 25% of women said that their interest in a potential date rises when crypto is mentioned.

The allure provided by crypto doesn’t just yield more matches. According to the survey, nearly three in four people would be more interested in a second date with a person who paid the dinner bill in bitcoin.

Crypto’s appeal extends beyond bitcoin, too — digital assets such as nonfungible tokens ("NFTs") are also in demand. Almost 20% of singles said they would be more interested in a romantic prospect with an NFT as the profile picture on a social platform or dating site.

Outside of the dating market, cryptocurrency has exploded in popularity in recent years, especially since the start of the pandemic, and this interest in digital currency is a part of a greater shift toward online business. Just as banking has begun to move into the digital sphere, so has dating.

It’s, therefore, not surprising a population that has flocked to the internet for love would also be attracted by online assets like cryptocurrency and NFTs. The question thus remains: Should the average bachelor or bachelorette jump head, or wallet, first into crypto to help find the partner of their dreams?

Short answer: It depends. You probably shouldn’t make financial decisions of any kind solely to appear more attractive to strangers on the internet, regardless of what influencers may say. Despite all the hype surrounding it, cryptocurrency is still a new and volatile asset that may not be for everyone.

Since bitcoin’s all-time high last November, the crypto market has shed more than $1 trillion in value. Consequently, if you invest in cryptocurrency without the necessary expertise, you could subject yourself to heartbreak worse than any incurred on the dating scene.

That said, if you already own or are knowledgeable about cryptocurrency, showing it off may make you more attractive to prospective partners. Still, keep in mind that it will probably only have an aphrodisiac effect on those who are already interested in cryptocurrency themselves.

If you don’t mind attracting the infamous crypto guy or gal — whose penchant for discussing algorithmic trading, the self-driving transport revolution, and blockchain protocols has become the source of many an internet meme in recent months — then, by all means, promote away your crypto assets. If, however, the

prospect of discussing minting bananas and trading Solana for more than 30 seconds fills you with dread, ditch the NFT in your profile and stick with a well-lit selfie.

As a general rule of thumb when it comes to online dating, your profile should accurately represent who you are and what you care about. If owning bitcoin is an integral part of your identity, you should be proud to share it.

Featuring crypto on your profile may also help you weed out potential partners who find your passion for Ethereum less lovable and more loathsome. Or it could be the precise reason you attract your perfect match.

What Happens to Your Covid Relationship Post-Pandemic?

Did you get involved in a relationship during Covid? If so, you, like many people, may have bonded over different interests than you would have pre-Covid, such as watching binge-watching Netflix or cooking at home together.  

These are wonderful pastimes for sure, but now that you can be out and about and have the freedom to resume activities you may have had to put on the back burner during the pandemic, it’s time to make sure you and your partner are still on the same page. 

How do you do that? As always, I have a few suggestions. 

Think forward. 

Successful relationships progress. Therefore, you need to determine if your current relationship can offer you what you’re looking for, especially since it began when your goals may have been different. For many, Covid relationships were based on a mutual need for companionship during a time when people were isolated and lonely as a result.  

So think about your relationship goals today. For example, are you looking for an activity partner or a long-term relationship? Marriage? Marriage and children? If your goals aren’t the same, it’s time to consider your future with this person.  

Assess whether your pre-pandemic interests still align with your partner’s. 

Pre-pandemic, your love for international travel, theater, dining out, and just being social, may have reigned supreme. However, given how stay-at-home orders put a monkey wrench in those plans, you may not have shared your other passions with your current partner.  

Though you still may share the interests you cultivated during the pandemic or those you brought to the forefront of your life as a result of the way the world looked during 2020 and 2021, it doesn’t mean you must abandon everything else you loved before Covid-19 became a consideration. In other words, how you prioritize your passions and interests may not be the same post-pandemic.  

If, for example, you’re now looking to go on a four-month trip around the world, you need to consider that your partner may not be, quite literally, ready or willing to get on board with that. If they aren’t, you should take some time to determine what matters to you more — travel or your relationship — and how you can balance your outside interests with your interests in your relationship. Can they be balanced? The only way to know is to ask.  

Talk to your partner.  

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: To have a successful relationship, you need to communicate well and often. To that end, when re-evaluating your Covid-based relationship post-pandemic, explain to your partner what your life was like before and how you’re interested in resuming some parts or all of your former lifestyle. 

Explain in detail what that lifestyle looked like and how it could potentially impact your current relationship. Will you be traveling? Do you want to travel solo, with friends, or with them? Will you be traveling often for work? Will you be dining out more frequently? Have friends come to visit or stay over? 

Next, ask your partner: Are you still interested in my proposed lifestyle? How do you feel about the environment I am presenting to you? Then listen to what they have to say. They may have their own ideas about what a post-pandemic relationship looks like that may or may not specifically align with your vision. The question that thus remains is: Can you live with what you each propose? 

Final thoughts … 

Many beautiful relationships (and marriages!) have been born out of the pandemic. Indeed, this is a testament to the human spirit and our innate capacity to give and receive love. But not every relationship is destined for this next step. And that’s OK.  

Some relationships are circumstantial; they serve a purpose for a finite time, help you to grow, and bring you one step closer to your next relationship, perhaps your last one. The secret is having the wherewithal to know when you should hold on tight to what you have. Or release it in the hopes of finding what — and who — you’re meant to be with. Someone whose interests match yours and yours theirs, who wants to build a life and lifestyle that includes one other in it. For a relationship to endure, you need both. 

Should I Listen to Gossip About the Person I’m Dating?

Be careful about listening to gossip. Here’s why.  

You’re dating someone you kind of like. The relationship is new, so new that you haven’t even told your friends yet. You have a really good connection, they treat you well, and you’re excited to see where things are going.  

Then, BAM! Your friends weigh in about your new love interest, except not in a good way. Instead, they tell you something bad about the person — a story they heard, an incident from their divorce, something about their career. 

The information doesn’t sit well with you. Not only because what you heard is negative but also because it doesn’t make sense given what you know about this individual from your interactions with them. So what should you do? 

Address it.  

Well, first off, you should address it with them. “Hey, I heard this the other day and thought maybe you should know.” Make sure not to accuse. Don’t interrogate. Bring it up casually, in a public place where you also can speak with some privacy.  

Then wait for their response. Let them tell you their side of the story. Because there are always two sides, and more often three—theirs, whoever else was a part of the interaction you heard about, and the truth.  

You should be able to glean a lot just from their demeanor and initial response. Are they angry? Do they deny it? Do they say it’s true but want a chance to explain? Your only job at this point is to listen and evaluate their words. Which is why you want to … 

Stay open-minded.    

Though the gossip may be founded in truth or have truthful parts, it can also be false or a misinterpretation. Depending on what it is, such as the retelling of an interaction that took place during a past relationship, keep in mind that every relationship is different. People can behave differently with different partners. 

Of course, if the gossip has to do with abuse, take the information seriously and consider that it could be true. Individuals who are abusive in one relationship may be that way in another. This is where your judgment comes in, so with that in mind … 

Listen to your gut. 

More than any information you receive from others — your gut, your intuition, that “feeling” you have — will tell you everything you need to know. And that is to stay or go. The problem is we ignore that voice inside of us too often because we want to believe otherwise.  

When we make a decision that doesn’t work out for us, the moment we look back, we usually find there were signs that we missed along the way. The biggest sign often came from us, something inside of us that said to do things one way, yet we chose another.  

However, if your gut tells you it’s OK to continue developing a relationship with the person you’re dating, even amid the rumors, there is something you can do to protect your relationship. And that is to …   

Keep your connection close to the vest.  

Keep a low profile. Don’t splash your new relationship all over social media, and refrain from discussing this amazing connection you have with your friends, acquaintances, and the person in front of you on line at CVS. At least for a while. The more you go public with your new relationship, the greater the likelihood you have of exposing yourself to idle gossip. 

If you do become a couple, and you both choose to become more vocal about your relationship in the future, you will have a better foundation to withstand any rumors should they come back to you. Also, keep in mind that how public you are about your relationship communicates very little about the quality of your relationship. In fact, many of the strongest relationships fly under the radar.  

That’s not to say no one knows about them. They do. But these couples understand that outside forces can weigh on even the most solid couples. Don’t believe me? Look at all the celebrity relationships that fail because they couldn’t survive the stress of being in the spotlight. And the gossip.  

Be careful. 

As I mentioned earlier, be careful about confronting the person you’re dating about any gossip you’ve heard. You want to do it in a place where, if the person behaves not as you would have expected, you’re safe.  

You want to be careful when you date someone new. Period. Vet every person you date or have a professional help you the way I can. The vetting process can include asking around about them or listening to what you hear through the grapevine.  

That said, also be careful about what you hear through the grapevine. The information doesn’t have to be true, or there could be reasons why it is. So keep an open mind until your gut tells you not to.  

And, finally, if you need further guidance, don’t be afraid to ask for it. That’s what good friends are there for. Not to mention a matchmaker like me who just loves it when people gossip about her, saying, “She helped yet another couple find love.”    

Are You Inflexible in Your Dating Life?

It’s so easy to point a finger and say the reason why you aren’t coupled is because of someone else, because of something other people do or don’t do. But is that always the case? 

Sometimes, it’s important to turn the mirror on yourself to see if it’s the behavior you’re engaging in that’s causing you to have one failed dating encounter after another. One of the biggest culprits I’ve found causing undesirable dating results is inflexibility. 

A major part of being in a healthy relationship is how willing each person is to compromise. That said, compromising shouldn’t translate to being a pushover and always giving in to what the other person wants. But it does mean, at times, putting your partner’s wants and needs before your own or not always getting your way.  

Because the truth is, if you can’t be accommodating during the dating stage, you’ll likely never get to the relationship stage. Or at least the relationship stage where you’re in a healthy relationship. Even worse, there will always be toxic relationships to accommodate unhealthy behaviors.    

It’s one thing to be on a strict schedule when it involves kids, work, or some big life commitment. Obviously, you can’t be at the mercy of someone else. But it shouldn’t always be like this. If it is, it likely has something to do with having an inflexible mindset as it pertains to your dating life.  

Don’t believe me? Then check yourself. Here is what that inflexible dating behavior could look like.  

1. You get annoyed if the person you’re dating deviates from your plan.  

You choose a restaurant or other dating spot, for example, and the other person makes an alternative suggestion. If you’re the person who becomes easily annoyed, even scraps all the plans as a result, simply because you can’t bear to make the extra effort to find a new place or otherwise inconvenience yourself, consider the message you’re sending out into the universe or, rather, the dating pool. And that is, you’re inflexible, to say the least. Maybe even selfish or self-centered. 

If you’re not willing to break old patterns for something as mundane as a reservation or meeting spot, what else won’t you be willing to roll within your life? Speaking of which … 

2. You react badly to the unexpected.  

The airlines cancel a flight, one of you misses a train, there’s a last-minute emergency. You name it; it could happen. The reality is there are some challenges you just can’t avoid or control. But what you can control is how you react, even to the most challenging among them.  

It may mean making certain concessions or last-minute changes. But more than that, it demands showing empathy and compassion for others. When you’re consistently inflexible as problems arise, it sends yet another message to anyone you’re involved with, and that is, you don’t care. Not about them, not about anything. Except for yourself, that is. Now, be honest, would you want to date that person? 

3. You find fault in everyone.  

Think “Seinfeld.” And Jerry specifically, who came up with the most incredible reasons to break up with the women he dated.  

It’s one thing to be focused on the kind of person you’re looking for — someone whose lifestyle is similar to yours, is serious-minded about finding a partner, and wants the same type of relationship as you do. It’s another to break up with a woman because she has big hands, as Jerry chose to. 

With Jerry in mind, look back on the reasons why you ended relationships, even brief ones. Was it for a real reason or because yet another person didn’t fit the mold you created in your head of the perfect partner? Your answer may very well reveal that you, like Jerry Seinfeld, are an inflexible dater, someone who won’t deviate from the unrealistic expectations you’ve set for yourself and others.  

What your inflexibility may say about you … 

Now for the hard part. It’s time to ask yourself: Why am I so inflexible? 

The main reasons I’ve witnessed why daters are so rigid in their behaviors come down to two. The first is that they are controlling. The second is that they are emotionally unavailable; they say they want a relationship but do everything in their power to prevent this from happening. The reasons why can vary and may require further exploration by you.  

Therefore, if either of these reasons fit you, it’s probably time to do some soul-searching, maybe even get someone to help you modify your behaviors. A mental health professional can help with the big stuff like the whys, while a dating coach like myself can assist with tips and strategies to become a better, more polished dater.  

Keep in mind that the first step toward more promising dating experiences will be yours, the one where you commit to making positive changes in your life. From there, your love life will follow.  

Is it different working with men versus women?

To Michael, a client: 

1. Why did you hire Cassie? 

I was dating, but it never worked out well. I was looking for the love of my life, albeit a rather lofty goal, and I was not finding the quality of woman that I wanted and was tired of being painfully lonely. I remember thinking that I use consultants, experts, and coaches in my business life, so why not use an expert in my personal life?        

 2. What did you get out of hiring Cassie? 

I was a project for Cassie. After interviewing me to determine who I am and what I wanted, Cassie “tuned me up”! She coached me on my dating skills by tweaking a few things I did before, during, and after dates. And before my first date, Cassie upgraded my look. I remember her saying, “OK, now you are ready to date!” Cassie introduced me to very high-quality women, and within months, I met Liz and hit my lofty goal beyond my wildest dreams.   

To Cassie: 

3. Why did you take Michael on as a client? 

It was all about Michael’s mindset and positive attitude. Michael was serious about finding someone to date. He was laser-focused. He told me he wanted to date a woman whose lifestyle would meld with his, someone in his age group who is sincere, likes to travel, and is as equally passionate about finding a partner. Michael was willing to commit to a relationship, but first, he was willing to commit to me, giving me the time and attention I needed to help him. 

4. Is it different working with men versus women? 

Surprisingly, no. Men are easily misunderstood. So as with all my male clients, I talked to Michael and listened to him. Men have very specific needs, which align closely with women’s: they want intimacy and a quality partner with whom to share their lives. Men and women may be business leaders, but it doesn’t mean they are successful daters. It’s my job to merge these two identities.  

What Mindset Are You Battling in Your Dating Life?

How you talk to yourself about dating very much sets the stage for your dating experiences. No, a positive mindset won’t save you from ever experiencing a lack of chemistry on a date or dating someone who’s inconsiderate or even rude. But what a positive mindset will do is enable you to move on quickly when you do have these experiences, so you can meet someone who is right for you. 

Unfortunately, many singles don’t realize that their complaining or offhanded comments about dating are actually holding them back. That’s why checking in with yourself and asking, “Do I have a positive or negative mindset about dating?” can help.  

If you’re not sure or think the comments you make in your mind or to others are harmless, read on. What follows are a few of the most common complaints singles make about the dating scene and why they can hurt your chances of finding your next relationship.  

Negative Self-Talk 

1. Nobody’s going to want to date someone my age. 

I hear this all the time and, ironically, about all ages. And to that, I say, ridiculous! Since I became a matchmaker more than 30 years ago, I’ve helped singles ranging from their thirties to their eighties find love. And guess what? Somebody wanted to date someone “their” age.  

Since there’s enjoyment to be had at any age, so, too, is there love because people want to share the lives they love with someone special. Plus, love that comes later in life often affords more freedoms than it does when there are more family and career constraints. Less constraints mean more time to explore the world and the opportunities for love in it.   

2. They’re all flakes out there. 

Or, the other variant, everyone’s crazy. Really? Not everyone can be flaky or nuts. Not to mention, it raises the other, unavoidable possibility: Perhaps it’s not them who’s crazy, it’s me.   

If you write off everyone from the get-go, of course there’s going to be no one out there to date. To be honest, everyone has a little bit of eccentricity to them at times.  

Therefore, finding a match is very much about finding a person who’s got those quirks you can live with as opposed to the ones that are deal breakers. These vary for everyone. Remember, what’s flaky to one person could be endearing to another.   

3. There aren’t any high-caliber, quality people to date.  

Really? Aren’t you a high-caliber, quality person to date? If you answered yes, what makes you think you’re alone in your search? 

I’m not going to lie; there are some bad apples out there. It’s why you have to be a cautious dater and vet your dates or hire someone to help you do that. But there are also many, many find individuals looking for love and partnership, just like you.  

But, again, if you discount the entire dating pool, of course you’re not going to find anyone of substance. Instead, put your best foot forward, beginning with a positive attitude because that’s what attracts other like-minded individuals.  

4. I don’t have the time. 

Everyone’s busy. And the truth is we only make time for what’s important to us. So, if meeting someone special is important to you, then I suggest you lok at your schedule and find times where you can be more flexible.  

Believe it or not, you can go on dates throughout the day. A morning walk before work, a lunch date, a drink or dinner after work, a weekend brunch or mid-afternoon hike. You name it; it’s possible. That is, if you’re willing to devote the time.  

But you have to think positively. Which brings me to my next point, and that is to engage in more positive self-talk. So what is that? 

Positive self-talk 

1. I’m worth it. 

Yep, you heard me right. Literally tell yourself: “I’m worth it.” You’re worth someone calling you and spending time with you. You’re worth someone taking you to lunch or dinner or teaching you about a pastime they enjoy and want to share with you. And most oof all, you’re worth someone wanting to love you and share their life with you.   

2. It’s better to be with a partner and share your life. 

If you have a great life that you’re proud of and savor, congratulations because you’re already on the road to finding your next relationship. Think about it; you have a life you love, but wouldn’t it be that much better if there was someone you loved in it who could share many (not all) of the aspects of your wonderful life with you? 

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean giving up your independence or all of your private time. Not at all. What it does mean is that you can make an addition to your life that doesn’t subtract from it at the same time. To put it simply, it all comes down to mindset: are you positive or negative?    

3. It’s fun! 

Speaking of positivity, people who are upbeat tend to find enjoyment even in the mundane. They take pleasure in everyday activities and see the beauty in them. And that includes dating, which, depending on how you look at it, could be an adventure, too. 

Every date, you see, is an opportunity. An opportunity not only find love but also to have a pleasant morning, afternoon, or evening and nothing more. Those moments can be filled with good company, good food and wine, and good conversation, even if it leads nowhere. And there’s something always to be learned about others and yourself — if you’re open to it.  

Final thoughts … 

Stay positive, stay positive, stay positive. When you have a mindset that leaves you open to possibility, you actually can see it in front of you. When you’re negative, you’re closed off from the world and see only your own reality.  

Every one of us has had to deal with difficult issues in our life, which may very well be responsible for us being closed off at times. And sometimes, it takes a new person to help us see what may be right in front of us. Having worked with thousands of couples, I know how to get singles to look at dating from a fresh vantage point, one where they — and you — can see the whole forest, not only the trees. 

5 Ways to Tell You’re in a Pseudo-Relationship and What You Can Do About It

Relationships come in many shapes and sizes. But one relationship you don’t want to ever find yourself in is a pseudo-relationship. Why? Because, as its name implies, it isn’t real.  

A pseudo-relationship may feel real. And you may hope it is real. But once you scratch the surface, you’ll quickly realize that it isn’t and only disappointment awaits you. Finding a healthy relationship is challenging enough without having to deal with one that doesn’t offer you what you want. 

The key is to identify a pseudo-relationship early, and then move on. That way, you won’t waste your precious time staying in one. What follows are five surefire ways to identify a pseudo-relationship and then my advice for how you can prevent yourself from getting involved in one in the first place.  

1. You have never met in person.  

One tell-tale sign you may be in a pseudo-relationship is that you still haven’t met in person. Or, you may have met in person a few times but the relationship has since devolved into communication via email, text, social media, and phone calls only. 

Real relationships require that you not only meet in person but also that the interactions remain in person. When you have never met or you no longer see someone you’re supposedly involved with, you have no way of knowing what’s going on in their lives. On the flip side, you can bet that they don’t care what’s going on in yours. Otherwise, they would want to spend time with you, in the flesh.  

If you aren’t seeing the person you are connected with romantically, unless there’s a good reason why this is (a reason you know to be valid and one you’re OK with), you should consider it a red flag. Whether they are hiding something, like another relationship or a spouse or what have you, it doesn’t matter. You have enough information to walk away and search for someone who does want to spend time with you in real life. 

2. You develop what feels like a real relationship. 

If because of continuous texting, emailing, communicating over social media, and talking on the phone you think you’re in a real relationship, watch out. Just because the communication is frequent still doesn’t make the relationship real. Whether you’ve never met or met only a few times but this person never wants or makes time to see you, the result is the same. Consider the following situation. 

I had a client who told me about a relationship she found herself in a while back. After three dates, the guy stopped asking her out. Yet he still continued to call and text her every single day, rarely missing a beat. He lived about an hour-and-a-half away, yet whenever he was in the area, he called to tell her he would be there (presumably in case she saw him pop up on a dating app) but that he was too busy to see her.  

The woman eventually called him out on his shady behavior when, again, he told her he would be in the area the next day but wasn’t going to see her. After she called him out on his behavior, he offered to meet her for lunch the next day. But instead of him calling as he promised, she never heard from him again. At this point, the relationship had gone on for four months, with visits only occurring at the beginning.  

In retrospect, the woman realized the relationship was a pseudo one, despite the very personal nature of their conversations. Conversations that often involved him pouring his heart out to her about his ongoing divorce, relationship with his children, job woes, and finances. Likely, he was using her for emotional support but was not willing to offer her anything in return for the emotional labor she was providing, not to mention her time. Now she knows better. 

3. Time goes by yet you still haven’t met.  

In relationships, the time between when you first begin communicating and when you meet in person should be short. If you meet on a dating app, for example, you should communicate on the dating app a few times, then move to text. Those text exchanges should likewise be brief and lead to a phone conversation. Following one or two phone calls, during which you vet the person and decide whether you should indeed meet, you should actually meet.  

After your first date, if you both decide you would like the relationship to move forward and continue getting to know each other, you should do that by continuing to see each other in person. It’s OK to also communicate through text, email, social media, and phone, as long as the communication also includes in-person dates.  

The pandemic, which gave rise to a lot of Zoom dates, is over. Though remote dates still have their place, especially when vetting your matches, they still need to be followed by real dates. 

4. There’s always an excuse.  

The kids are there. Their work schedule is crazy. They’re traveling all month. If there’s always a reason why you can’t meet them in person, pull out your red flag and start waving it. 

If weeks go by, and you still haven’t met the person you are speaking to often, if they string you along with promises to meet that never materialize, remind yourself that in real relationships, apart from long-distance relationships where both parties mutually agree to a specific arrangement, people see each other in person. 

Yes, scheduling issues can exist; all of us have them. That said, where there’s a will, there’s a way. Someone who wants to see you does. It’s that simple.  

5. You stop interacting with other prospects because of this pseudo-relationship. 

 This is the part where you have a reality check. The part where you ask yourself: How has this relationship affected my search for love? 

 If your answer is that you have essentially put your love life on hold, watching and waiting for this pseudo-relationship to morph into what you want it to be, you’re letting it hinder your chances of finding your perfect match. 

 Pseudo relationships do three things, none of them good. First, they waste your time. Second, they set you up for disappointment, even heartbreak. And three, they can potentially cause you to become jaded about dating in general. So, what’s my advice? 

The solution? Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. 

My grandmother and mother said this to me all the time when I was single and dating: Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. In other words, don’t pin all your hopes on one person, especially without any proof they are ready, willing, and able to give you the relationship you want and deserve. And that you want it from them! 

 It’s good advice, too. As the late Maya Angelou said, “Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.” 

 The bottom line? It doesn’t matter what they’re doing. Only that what they’re doing doesn’t include you. And you deserve so much better than that.