You Are a Cancer Survivor. When Should You Tell the Person You Are Dating?

The New York Times recently tackled a dilemma posed by a reader in its Ethicist column, specifically whether it is necessary for her to disclose to the matchmaking service she is working with that she is a cancer survivor. The reader, a 58-year-old woman, so far had not. The short answer from the Times: A prospective partner should understand why the woman had wanted to share the information herself directly.  

I respectfully disagree, meaning I think, in no uncertain terms, the woman should have told her matchmaker and still should. Not only because I am a professional matchmaker myself but, more importantly, because I was once in this woman’s shoes. I was — and am — a cancer survivor.   

Like you, I am a cancer survivor. 

You see, when I was 20 years old, I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. Thankfully, I won my battle against this dreadful disease that takes hundreds of thousands of lives yearly in the U.S. alone. Besides that, I went on to graduate from college, started a career as a matchmaker, and met the man who would become my husband, with whom I now share three beautiful children.  

So, as a matchmaker and cancer survivor myself, I find myself uniquely suited to provide insight into this particular Times reader’s question. And here it is in a nutshell: You do not need to tell someone on or before the first date that you survived cancer, but you should definitely tell your matchmaker from the get-go. Why?  

It is advantageous for everyone involved to disclose your history of cancer to your matchmaker. 

Well, for a few reasons, the first and most obvious being that your matchmaker can begin to weed out those “not for yous,” those people who, for the reasons I discuss below, may be hesitant to date you because of your history with cancer. And that, I am here to say, is someone who does not want you for you.   

As you probably already know, cancer can go away. But what you may not know if you have not had this experience is that surviving cancer becomes a part of who you are. In other words, when you survive cancer, you become a survivor. It is part of your identity. Therefore, it impacts how you perceive the world and, in many ways, the goals you set for yourself and why. It is also something you are proud of — immensely.  

So, to not disclose your cancer status to your matchmaker, the person working for you to find you the most compatible partner — would mean your matchmaker has only part of the story. This, in turn, means the person they may choose for you is only privy to part of the story, too, a story which may cause them, sorry to say, to pass on you.  

Not to worry; this is not someone you need in your life anyway. And, because of that, it should be no loss to you. Not wasting time with a person who, for whatever reason, does not want you means you have freed up valuable time to date those who see you, including your triumph over cancer, as a plus, not a negative. But for that to happen, your matchmaker must have this relevant piece of information.  

Other logistical reasons make it such that you should disclose to your matchmaker that you survived cancer. For instance, the battle against cancer may have taken a physical toll on your body, which can impact other aspects of your life, such as the level to which you can participate in an active lifestyle or perform in the bedroom.  

While these factors may be directly related to your battle against cancer, they could affect the matches your matchmaker determines would be ideal for you. Additionally, there is the matter of whether your cancer resulted in some more obvious physical attribute, which a prospective partner may want to know before meeting so they, too, can make an informed decision about how they want to proceed, if at all.  

Your matchmaker should protect your privacy. 

As for how the matchmaker utilizes your cancer status to vet matches? This is critical to the process as well. A skilled, experienced matchmaker, one with empathy and discretion, should not be telling the whole world your medical history.  

Your medical history is personal, and your matchmaker should use that information only to test the waters with potential matches. The inquiry should come off something like this: How would you feel about dating someone who once had cancer and survived?” They should not be saying, “This particular person had cancer.” It thus becomes your story to tell.  

When should you disclose your history of cancer to the people you date? 

Now, you may be wondering, when is it appropriate to tell? Disclosing that you have had cancer is not an ice breaker, meaning it is not generally first-date material. Cancer, like any other medical diagnosis, is personal, and you should not expect to have to share this information freely with strangers. Like any other intimate emotional information, such as details about your divorce, sharing too much too soon can scare away the person you are just getting to know. 

If, however, after some time, you find you like the person you are dating, and they appear to like you, and you determine there is rapport and trust between you, then it is probably time to share. Indeed, you may find that there will be a time when your history with cancer comes up naturally in conversation, whether because of a story you are exchanging, an upcoming doctor appointment, medication you are taking, dietary restrictions, or that your date has or had cancer, too.

But if it does not come up, still make it a point to share this more intimate detail about who you are. Hopefully, the person you are seeing will appreciate your candor and timing and come to like and respect you more. If they do not, so be it; you have all the information you need.    

Final thoughts … 

Remember, a relationship should reflect that you and your partner are a team, which means that you should be able to be who you are. That includes being a cancer survivor. As I have found with my clients and in my own life, sharing this information can strengthen a romantic bond when the time is right. Just as surviving cancer has strengthened us. 

Are Casual Relationships Ever OK?

There is a lot of talk about how people are looking for long-term relationships or a partner who otherwise satisfies their goals. With that comes advice on how to get your partner to commit to a label and stick around.  

As part of these discussions, a seeming rite of passage in dating is, after a couple of grueling months of hot-and-cold from a would-be partner, to have the DTR (define the relationship) conversation, only to be told that the other person is looking for “something casual.” Which, in turn, may lead you to a reckoning with yourself, where you question: Are casual relationships ever OK?  

As with most dating questions, the answer is it depends. Mainly, on you.  

What is a casual relationship? 

There is no all-encompassing definition of casual relationships, as they can vary wildly between each casual relationship. Instead, casual relationships can only be defined by what they are not: serious. A serious relationship, based on common sense, would include seeing each other regularly, emotional and physical intimacy, labels and exclusivity, and the eventual prospects of meeting friends and family, moving in together, maybe getting married, and otherwise intertwining lives. 

A casual relationship is not that. Some casual relationships may possess a number of these features, but people in casual relationships are often more physically oriented, keep their lives separate, and do not see each other as frequently as one would in a serious relationship. Additionally, casual relationships may not necessarily be exclusive. Several types of relationship arrangements, such as dating situationships, friends-with-benefits, and the booty call, all fall under the umbrella of casual relationships. 

Are casual relationships ever OK? 

If you typically walk into relationships looking for a long-term partner, you might wonder how other people are not looking for that. However, we all have different needs and goals at different times in our lives, so a serious relationship might not be suitable for everyone always. Maybe not even you at some point.  

For instance, you might be career-oriented or getting a degree, so you anticipate not having time for something serious. You might already know that you will not be living in the same city a year from today and, therefore, do not want to commit to someone where you currently live. Alternatively, you might be happy with your life the way it is and simply not want to put in the effort to maintain a serious relationship, as relationships can be a lot of work at times. Or, you might not be emotionally available, whether you have gone through a breakup, divorce, or experienced some other event that has made you unable to commit to someone else emotionally at this time. The reasons are endless.  

Not surprisingly, there are many people who benefit from a casual arrangement rather than something serious. Hence, why it seems like everyone has had that experience of being told by their potential partner they are looking for “something casual.”  

So is a casual relationship something to be desired? The short answer is yes. We are all free to live our lives however we please, and if that includes seeking something casual, then so be it. There is also a long answer: similar to serious relationships, casual relationships only work with the proper precautions, communication, and respect between partners. 

How to Successfully Cultivate a Casual Relationship 

There is a right way and a righter way to have a casual relationship, one in which both partners’ feelings are a consideration. Here are a few tips about how to get started.  

Be clear about your intentions. 

If you are looking for something casual, be upfront about it. You don’t want to lead the other person on, allowing them to develop feelings for you and decide to continue to see you because they are hopeful for a commitment, while you know you don’t want one. This means telling the other person very early on that you don’t want anything serious, so they can decide accordingly whether to end the relationship.  

You may find the other person is looking for something casual, too. If this is the case, be sure to maintain an open line of communication for the duration of your relationship. If you or your partner begin to develop feelings for each other, you need to be forthcoming with that information so they and you can act with that information in mind. As in agreeing to redefine the relationship to make it more serious, or moving on. 

Establish clear boundaries.  

What dynamic works most effectively between you and your partner? Are you trying to meet with your partner weekly, biweekly, or for a sporadic date every now and then? When you do meet up, what are you comfortable with? Is your relationship purely physical, or are you okay with also hanging out with your partner?  

What will the protocol be if either of you becomes emotionally entrenched? At what time will you share this information? What will the next steps be? 

Also, be sure to define your physical boundaries in addition to your emotional ones. These can include what you are OK doing during sex, as well as whether you are comfortable with cuddling, spending the night, grabbing food, or whatever else you envision your after-sex protocol will be. 

Get tested regularly and use protection.  

Some casual relationships might be exclusive to minimize the risk of contracting STIs. However, the general appeal of casual relationships for many is the lack of exclusivity. In other words, you can sleep with your partner, but you also have the freedom to sleep with other people, too.  

The downside is that you increase your risk of contracting STIs. Therefore, it is critical for you to each disclose if you have STIs, when you last got tested, how many sexual partners you have had since you last got tested, whether you have used protection with those partners, as well as if you are on birth control (if applicable). Not to mention, what your protocol will be while you are both involved. 

Be respectful.  

Sure, you are not committed to the person you are sleeping with, but that is not an excuse to treat them with disrespect. To be a good sexual partner, you need to be considerate of the other person’s happiness, both in and out of the bedroom. For example, don’t push them out the door as soon as you’re done having sex. That is unless you have explicitly discussed with your partner that you are both OK with one partner immediately leaving.  

Additionally, sending mixed signals to your partner and otherwise not being clear and consistent about your intentions can confuse your partner. So avoid leading them on and dangling a relationship like a carrot to keep them in bed with you. And, whatever you do, if you don’t want to pursue your relationship further, be sure not to ghost. It’s just mean. 

Final thoughts … 

With these tips, you have the tools to successfully cultivate and maintain a casual relationship that minimizes the chances one person will wind up hurt in the end, which is still always a risk. Because at the end of the day, casual relationships are still relationships, no matter how loaded — or unloaded — the term “relationship” might be in your mind. 

How Old is Too Old to Date?

Whether you are the child of a parent who’s dating or you are over 50 and looking to get back out there following a breakup or just a break, you might find yourself wondering: How old is too old to date? In other words, when is it no longer “socially acceptable” to search for love and companionship or whatever else you desire from a new partner? 

The short answer is, with so many advantages to dating in midlife and beyond, dating doesn’t have to come with an expiration date. As long as you are enthusiastic and put your heart into the process, you, too, can reap the benefits. For the long(er) answer, which includes what those benefits are and how to meet someone later in life, read on.

Reasons for dating (again) at an older age

Two of the most common reasons why people start dating again in midlife or after are they are getting divorced, or they have been widowed. These are major life events and can be dramatic changes for anyone, especially if they have been married for decades or are used to being with someone. The same is true of being in a long-term relationship that, for any other reason, reached its end. 

An individual in any of these scenarios might want the emotional support and companionship that comes from being partnered again. They might want someone with whom to share emotional burdens or engage in activities, hobbies, and pastimes. Or perhaps they were never married and are looking for a special someone. The bottom line is people don’t stop wanting love just because they have gotten older. 

But don’t take my word for it. In a recent “Dear Abby” column about a mom who started dating in an assisted living facility following the death of her husband, the writer says that the children of the man their mother is dating aren’t responding well. Abby writes, “Your mother’s is not the first romance to blossom in a situation like this, and it won’t be the last. What has happened is a blessing, and I hope the man’s daughters will come to regard it as one.” 

Stories like the above abound, demonstrating that it’s never too late to search for — and find — a match. So why criticize others for wanting to be happy or keep yourself from the same just because you are not “young”? 

Benefits of dating at an older age

Three of the most common benefits of dating in midlife or beyond include increased emotional well-being, improved physical health benefits, and financial security. Let me explain.

Emotional well-being is one major reason why it can be advantageous to date at an older age. Research has shown that physical affection and companionship can decrease the risk of depression in older adults and help increase self-esteem. Especially after a life change, such as a divorce or the death of a spouse, this kind of support can be helpful.

A person might seek companionship for the physical aspects of it, such as hand-holding, hugs, or sex, each of which typically accompanies romantic relationships. Likewise, romantic relationships in midlife and beyond are associated with better healing after surgery and a longer lifespan. 

Finally, financial benefits are a factor when considering dating after 50. In certain circumstances, marriage and other romantic partnerships can improve finances by providing specific tax benefits. So, too, can the commitment to share living expenses, such as rent and utilities. 

Dating apps and sites for older people

With the increased demand for meeting a partner after 50 has come added resources. These include dating websites and apps that cater specifically to older adults looking for every type of relationship, romantic, activity partner, or otherwise. 

SeniorMatch, for instance, has over a million senior singles over 50. To make the search process easier, this site allows users to prioritize different kinds of relationships, including dating and relationships and travel mates. Silver Singles is another example. This site only lets users over 50 on the platform and provides matchmaking services to help people connect. More mainstream dating platforms like OKCupid and Match can also be useful for older people looking for relationships.

Lastly, a professional matchmaker with a database of clients above 50 and a large network developed over decades can likewise provide options to meet other eligible singles. Singles who are wonderful but either aren’t online or don’t stand out online. A skilled matchmaker, however, knows how to spot them. 

Final thoughts …

Looking for love and companionship at any age is a personal decision driven by many factors, usually more than one at a time. The reasons for dating don’t fade with age but either continue or even increase. In the same column mentioned earlier, Abby says that “older folks are doing nothing wrong. They have a right to be happy ...”

In other words, no one’s opinion should deprive you of that happiness. Especially your own opinion. As the English playwright Sir Arthur Wing Pinero stated, “Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young.”

Should You Use Botox to Enhance Your Looks as You Age?

As every woman reaches “a certain age,” she comes face to face (pun intended) with the inevitable loss of her youthful appearance. It might start with a stray gray hair that she plucks away on sight. Then, it might be a slowing metabolism or the onset of creases in her forehead or around her eyes.  

Society tends to associate wrinkles with age. With the pre-existing societal construct that younger women are attractive and older women are not, women can feel pressured to preserve their youth by any available means, including cosmetic procedures such as Botox. 

This pressure to appear beautiful is magnified by the dating scene for women in their 50s and beyond, as discussed recently by model Paulina Prozkova, who says many women feel pressured to turn to Botox and fillers to appear younger and attract more potential partners. This perceived need that women have to get such procedures stems from ageism, as men tend to select younger women as they, too, grow older. But it does present the age-old question: Is Botox a must for midlife dating if you are a woman? 

Of course not. How you present yourself at any age, including midlife and beyond, is a personal choice. But if you are considering Botox, you should fully grasp why you are before making your decision. To help, below are several metrics you can use to decide whether Botox would be right for you. 

On aesthetic grounds 

From an aesthetic standpoint, Botox poses risks. When done correctly, Botox can smooth out wrinkles and, arguably, shave 10 years off your age. However, Botox can also easily be botched, leading to all kinds of issues, including uneven eyebrows or too much brow lowering.  

Botox can likewise affect your ability to express emotion using your face, which might not be an outcome you will be happy with. But, of course, with too much botox, no one would necessarily be the wiser to how you actually feel.  

Finally, everyone’s body responds differently to injectables, from how long they will last to how effective they will be. In other words, there is no guarantee you will look younger or even markedly different. For some, the obviousness of its use can be aging in itself. 

On psychological grounds 

Suppose your Botox procedure is “successful.” Can you prove that you are now more attractive to men because Botox objectively makes you look younger? Or is it that you feel more youthful due to having Botox and now exude more confidence, thereby becoming more attractive to potential suitors?  

It is important to note that Botox is but one of many ways to achieve this outcome. A positive mindset combined with other aesthetic tweaks such as an updated wardrobe, new hairstyle, and well-applied makeup can each be a cause for feeling more confident. So, too, can coaching and education about how to be a better dater.  

That said, given how confidence is critical to attraction, that if you feel good about yourself, you will naturally become more attractive, Botox can be part of the larger equation. In other words, it could be a viable option if Botox helps you get to a place where you feel more comfortable about your appearance.  

But, of course, if you are not feeling good about yourself because of past trauma or you are still being weighed down by your last relationship and how it ended, or you are getting it to please someone other than yourself, Botox won’t be the magic potion you envision it to be. It might end up making you feel worse. 

On health grounds 

While the American Society of Plastic Surgeons (ASPS) considers Botox safe, the procedure poses several health-related risks. Possible side effects of Botox include drooping of the eyelid or brow if injected near the eye, weakness or paralysis of nearby muscles, hives, rashes, or itching pain, bleeding, bruising, swelling, numbness, or redness, headache, dry mouth, flu-like symptoms, nausea, trouble swallowing, speaking, or breathing, gallbladder problems, blurry vision, or vision problems.  

However, it is worth noting that, due to Botox wearing off over time, most of these side effects are temporary. Furthermore, the procedure may fail due to the antibodies fighting the toxin in Botox, which occurs for less than 1% of people who get repeated courses. Therefore, before you get Botox, you must ask yourself if you are OK with assuming these risks. 

On financial grounds 

In 2020, the average Botox procedure cost $466. However, the cost may vary, depending on how many units of Botox you get (the more Botox you get, the more expensive the procedure becomes), the professional performing the injections (i.e., plastic surgeon, nurse, physician assistant), and where you get it done (prices vary based on locale). In addition, while insurance will not cover Botox procedures for aesthetic reasons, many policies will cover Botox for medical reasons, such as excessive sweating and migraines. 

Botox usually lasts for three or four months, so the expense of getting the procedure can add up over time. Therefore, you need to ask yourself if this is a sum of money you are comfortable spending or if there are other things you would prefer to spend your disposable income on instead.  

Final thoughts … 

With these considerations in mind, assess what place you see Botox having in your life. From there, you can decide whether it is an option you would like to explore or continue with for the long term while keeping in mind that true confidence doesn’t come in a vial. Rather, it comes from deep inside of you. 

On Dating Much Younger Men (Like Cher). Should You?

It should not come as news that some women “of a certain age” are attracted to men of a certain age — young. Just how young? Ask Cher; her most recent beau, Alexander Edwards, is 40 years her junior.  

Of the age difference and what it means to her? As reported in an article in Vulture, the actress and singer recently tweeted, “LOVE DOESN’T KNOW MATH.”  

The question, however, remains: Will this same equation work for you? To find out, ask yourself the following five questions.  

1. What am I looking for from a relationship with a younger man? 

Before entering into any relationship, asking yourself what you are looking for is critical. As a general rule, if you and your potential partner have different relationship goals, as in you want to travel the world, but he does not, your relationship will likely not work long-term, regardless of age. 

With the added element of a larger age gap, it is important to ask this question in the context of age, as there are added considerations that come from being in a relationship with someone in a completely different life stage than you. Most obvious among these considerations is the desire or ability to be a parent or where you are in your respective careers.  

Several less obvious driving forces can also direct you into a relationship with a much younger man. Perhaps you are starting to feel your age and want to be around someone significantly younger to feel young again. Or maybe you aren’t attracted to men your age and are drawn to younger prospects. Or perhaps you usually don’t date younger but have found your soulmate who happens to be a few decades your junior.  

Once you understand your reasoning for entering an age-gap relationship, you can navigate that relationship and your expectations accordingly. But you are not out of the woods yet. The follow-up questions you ask are equally relevant, beginning with this next one.  

2. What is a younger man looking for from a relationship with me? 

Since two people have to agree to be in a relationship, it means similar to how you have your reasons for wanting to pursue this relationship, the guy you are considering has his. With that in mind, ask yourself — and him (you might be surprised how brutally honest people can be when posed with a direct question) — why he is looking for a relationship with an older woman. The reasons might surprise you.  

It could be that he is simply “into” older women. Or it could be that he is trying to find a sugar-baby-type situation. Or perhaps he is interested in you for you, and age is not a factor for him. 

Whatever it is, it is important to understand his motivations in dating you so that you can protect yourself. For instance, if you suspect that he wants to date you because he thinks you have money, you either need to be OK with that reality or move on, as financially motivated relationships can be destructive not only to your bank account but also to your heart. 

Additionally, you need to understand his reasoning for being in your relationship because it contributes to compatibility. Even if you are both looking for an age-gap relationship, you may still be incompatible if you have different motivations for being in your specific relationship. 

3. Do I care what other people think and say about me dating a younger man? 

To address the elephant in the room: Age-gap relationships can be controversial. When the woman is older than the man, the relationship may become even more controversial or be judged more harshly. 

Inevitably, you will probably face some judgment for dating a man significantly younger than you. Whether it is from acquaintances who tease you for dating someone young enough to be your son, from strangers who glare at you or roll their eyes at you in public, or from a misguided onlooker who tells you that you and he have the same eyes, people will perceive your relationship a certain way. They may go so far as to express those perceptions to you, mean-spirited or not. 

Such comments may bother you. Or they won’t. The point is that you are honest and ask yourself from the get-go if you care what other people think and say. While we can all express platitudes about how it doesn’t matter what people think as long as you are happy — which is true, and you shouldn’t let other people’s biases dictate how you live your life — it is also true that relationships don’t exist in a vacuum.  

The external pressure of people shaming you for who you love could penetrate your relationship and ultimately apply pressure. If you feel ashamed of being seen in public with your partner out of fear of judgment, your relationship will probably not work. If you know yourself and that this type of judgment will affect you, then it is best to end the relationship now. Going against the grain requires thick skin. 

4. Will I be able to keep up with a younger man? 

Being “older” can be a concern if you and your partner have different energy levels. For instance, if your younger partner is currently running marathons, but you have problems with your knees and cannot walk too far, you may suffer from incompatibility.  

Similarly, you may have issues with sexual compatibility. A younger man may want to have sex several times a week, for example, while an older woman may not have the same needs. That said, generalizations abound regarding age, making this last question a must …  

5. Will a younger man be able to keep up with me? 

Being an “older” woman doesn’t mean you don’t have energy or desires, sexual or otherwise. Quite the contrary. Many single women 50 and over find their stride, exploring new careers, hobbies, and interests with renewed or even a new vitality previously unmatched in their lifetime. 

So just as you need to know what you are getting into when you become involved with a younger man, the same will go for him. A word to the wise: Make sure he can keep up — with you. 

Leveraging Your Social Network to Find Love

In a world of dating apps, it can feel more challenging than ever to find a meaningful relationship, let alone someone open to one. The good news is if you are looking for more ways to connect with dating prospects, your social network can be a valuable asset.

The bad news? In most instances, your social network won’t come to you, so you will likely have to work for it. Not sure what that means or how to go about it? I got you covered. Below are my favorite approaches for leveraging your social network to find love.

Focus on building connections.

This may sound like old advice, but focusing on building genuine and meaningful connections with people you already know is really one of the most effective strategies for finding love. Not only can this approach help you potentially connect with future partners directly, but it opens the door for meeting new people who could introduce you to your next romantic partner, potentially your spouse. By focusing on building connections instead of viewing dates as a means to an end, you can increase the number of people in your corner, even if you don’t end up in a relationship with them specifically. 

Ask people in your life for an introduction.

One of the best ways to use your network to find a relationship is to come right out and ask those in it to set you up. Though it can feel intimidating, this approach enables you to meet people you might not ordinarily.

As a general rule, begin with close friends and family. These people know you better than most, so ideally, they should have a strong sense of who would be a good fit for you. They also likely know some of your dating history and what kind of person you are looking for. 

After reaching out to close friends and family, expand your circle to include acquaintances, co-workers, and those friends and family members who you don’t see as often but still maintain a relationship with to some degree. Then put the word out that you are open to introductions. You will probably be pleasantly surprised by how many people out there want to play Cupid. 

Another group in your network to focus on, which many people don’t think to look to at first, is previous dates. If you have built a meaningful connection or even not so meaningful, but you still had some rapport with a previous date, and it just didn’t pan out, they might be willing to set you up with someone they know. Having your ex, especially after a recent breakup, set you up might not work out for you or them, but a person who you went on a date or two with but didn’t end up dating for long can be a great person to ask, so long as there is no animosity between you. 

Host or attend group outings yourself.

Another effective way to leverage your network to find love is by organizing or attending group outings. Dinner or drinks that include friends of friends can be helpful for meeting new people and potentially finding a match.

You can also attend events organized specifically for singles, such as those by Meetup or a group in your community. By attending activities such as a photography class, book club, or organized hike, for example, you can increase your chances of meeting those who share common interests, or, again, being introduced by someone you meet there to a dating prospect outside your existing social network. 

Utilize social media.

Whether you are all in on dating apps or totally against them, social media platforms themselves can offer another digital spin on finding a relationship through your network. For instance, you can ask followers or friends via a social media post who you may not talk to or see as often to set you up with someone they know or are acquainted with, or you can try to connect directly with people sharing similar interests. You can also approach people by DM on social media platforms as well for a more personalized and directed strategy.

Keep an open mind.

Regardless of the strategy or strategies you employ to meet singles using your social network, the best approach of all is to keep an open mind. None of these suggestions will work if you go into them with too specific an idea about what kind of person you are looking for or are deadset against. Having a few dealbreakers is one thing, but being too narrow in your search is another.

Love comes in many shapes and sizes. The key is recognizing all the possibilities that exist for finding it.

7 Ways to Show Support for Your Partner During Difficult Times

We all go through rough patches in our lives. Part of being a good partner is being supportive during difficult times. Of course, that is often easier said than done, not only because you may not have been the partner you wanted to be previously, but also because you may not have known how to. What follows is a discussion about how you can show your partner you are there for them when they may need you most. 

1. Check in with them.

If you notice your partner is feeling down and not acting as they usually do, such as isolating themselves, acting irritable or angry, or appearing like they are in a funk, start by checking in on them. A simple, “Is something upsetting you?” can be a good jumping-off point. However, some people are more forthcoming about their feelings than others.  

Should this be the case with your partner, or they have a history of passive-aggressive behavior, ask yourself if there is something you could have done to upset them. If you are not aware of anything, look to factors in your partner’s life that may be responsible: a challenging time at work, a sick relative, a disappointment, or a life change, to name a few possibilities.

Next, communicate to your partner that you noticed they have not been their usual self and seem like they may not be OK. Explain what you have noticed that has led you to this conclusion. By doing so, you open the door for your partner to confide in you about what is going on. 

Now, how you respond from here will be key to how adept you are at being a supportive partner. This is why you should …

2. Just listen at first. 

If you are lucky and your partner shares with you why they are upset, simply listen. Let them get everything they need to off of their chest first before speaking. Depending on what the issue is, you may instinctually want to tell them their problem is not that big of a deal, they are overreacting, or you can fix it for them. 

While these comments may be true and come from your heart, this isn’t necessarily what your partner wants to hear. At least just yet. So, when they have finished speaking to you, ask this: Would you like to hear my thoughts about what you just told me?

If your partner says yes, tread carefully. It still doesn’t mean you cut loose and say anything and everything that is on your mind. Instead, do the following.    

3. Ask what you can do to support them.

Whether or not you know or have some understanding of why your partner is feeling unhappy, your next step should be to ask them what you can do to provide them with the support they need. However, you still need to be careful not to take on their problems and try to fix things for them. This may make people feel overwhelmed, resentful, or even smothered. 

Depending on how your partner reacts to stress, they may ask for some space. It can be very difficult to give it to them. But it is critical to the health of your relationship that if your partner communicates such a need you listen. 

Make clear to your partner that if they need space, it is OK. However, also let them know they can depend on you for emotional support if they choose, and you will be there for them if and when they do.

4. Find ways to bring your partner joy and show them how much you appreciate them.

When your partner is dealing with problems from other aspects of their life, one of your greatest assets as their partner is that you can help them escape for a little bit. Rather than reminding them of what is bringing them down, you can be a haven for happiness. You can do this in a variety of ways. 

You can use their love language, as described in Gary Chapman’s “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts” to determine what type of attention they would respond to best. For example, if your partner’s love language is words of affirmation, you can give reminders of how much you love and care for them and how wonderful you think they are. Or if their love language is time, give them more of it.

Maybe you can plan a fun date night, such as going to that new restaurant you have been meaning to try and then getting ice cream, or a night in playing games and watching a movie. It doesn’t matter, as long as your partner is receptive. 

5. Don’t make the problem about you (unless it is about you).

When you are in a relationship and your partner admits that they are unhappy, even if the source of unhappiness is unrelated to you, it can be difficult to separate yourself from their feelings and think it stems from you anyway. 

You may try to absorb their unhappiness and fix the situation for them as a result. However, in doing this, as discussed earlier, you risk overstepping your partner’s boundaries, angering them, causing resentment, or making them feel smothered. Furthermore, you risk your own mental health by working to fix someone else and what’s likely beyond your control. 

6. That said, don’t let your partner make you the villain (unless you are).

Sometimes, when a partner is going through stress, they may become angry and irritable, taking out their negative feelings on you. They may criticize you, make you feel bad, or get angry with you very quickly. 

While you may sympathize with their plight, this kind of behavior is unacceptable because it can lead to other abusive behaviors. Therefore, you need to make it clear from the beginning that you will not tolerate this treatment. In other words, you should enforce your own boundaries. If you are still having trouble …

7. Ask for outside help.

When your partner is going through a hard time, you may feel like you are going through a hard time, too. And your relationship during this time may suffer as a consequence. 

We often think of relationships as 50-50. But a true 50-50 dynamic is impossible at every moment, as there will sometimes be a partner who may need more than they are able to give. Your dynamic may mean both of you need an added pair of hands, an empathetic ear, or advice. 

If your partner doesn’t appear to be making any progress or lacks the ability to handle their problems, even with you there, you may want to help them seek assistance from a mental health professional. If you need assistance getting them to this point, look to others in your and their network for support.

Final thoughts …

When you are the one supporting your partner, it is important that you engage in self-care. To that end, see your friends and family, engage in your favorite hobbies and pastimes, and spend time away from your partner to clear your head. 

Also, if you feel you could benefit from a mental health professional, seek that out as well. Just as you wouldn’t expect your partner to get through a difficult time on their own, neither should you. 

How to Apologize to Your Partner — Without Angering Them More

We were all taught in grade school that if you did something wrong, like push a kid on the playground during recess, you would have to say you’re sorry. If such a situation occurred, the teacher probably pulled you aside to tell you why you were wrong, then led you over to your crying classmate so you could then tell them how sorry you were and why you knew what you did was wrong. Maybe after, you hugged it out and split a cookie at lunch. You might even be friends today. 

In relationships, however, conflict resolution isn’t so simple. In every relationship, whether it’s with friends, family, or your romantic partner, at one point or another, you will have some sort of disagreement. And, though this might come as a shock, sometimes you will be the one in the wrong, even if you weren’t wrong or as wrong to start.  

In the heat of the moment, you might have said hurtful things that you recognized either at the time or sometime afterward were wrong and perhaps didn’t mean. Still, you couldn’t resist saying them because the words felt so good coming out. Now your partner is hurt and not speaking to you. To make matters worse, unlike when you were kids, today, there’s no teacher around to help. You want to apologize but don’t know how. So what can you do to mend fences without angering them more? 

Don’t say “I’m sorry” until you mean it. 

While our teachers in grade school were well-intentioned when they taught us that we should say we’re sorry and explained to us why we were wrong, an unfortunate consequence is that many people have learned to say they’re sorry without fully understanding why they should be sorry. Clearly, your partner is angry with you because they’re acting cold and won’t talk to you. But do you know why they’re angry? 

Your instinct might be to resolve your conflict as quickly as possible; you don’t want your partner to be mad at you, after all, and you want to return to their good graces. Though this might seem counterintuitive at first, a better approach is to not immediately say you’re sorry unless you understand why you’re wrong. Otherwise, your apology will come off as disingenuous, like that kid on the playground who was coaxed into apologizing by the teacher, the result of which is having a partner who’s even more upset with you. 

Instead, take some time to process your thoughts and emotions. 

Instead, you should take time to process your emotions and the conflict that just transpired between you and your partner. Ask yourself, what is this conflict really about? Is your partner mad about this one isolated incident? Or is there a larger foundational problem at play in your dispute? Is this a brand new argument, or one you have had many times before? Take this time to introspect and understand why your partner is upset. Once you understand why you’re wrong, you have the makings of an effective apology. 

In the heat of an argument, when emotions run high, it’s inevitable that you will say things you don’t mean. So taking time apart to introspect also buys you time to decrease tensions. You need to be clear and levelheaded to make a meaningful apology so that you can deliberate on which words to say and which ideas to present. Additionally, you also provide your partner with time to calm down and think about the conflict on their own terms so that when you do return with an apology, they will be more receptive to hearing you out, as you each have had that chance to think about what went wrong in your conflict. 

Practice empathy. 

To understand where you went wrong in your conflict, you need to understand first the conflict from your partner’s perspective. So put yourself in their shoes.  

Ask yourself: How would I feel if this happened to me? Would I be so easily forgiving? What would I need from them to be forgiving? How much time might I need? Is it possible that they won’t want or be able to forgive me?  

With a more empathetic understanding of the situation, you can more effectively grasp the conflict and formulate a plan to resolve it. Potentially, that is. 

“Sorry” is a complete sentence, so no “buts.” 

The way you say you’re sorry is just as significant as the act of saying sorry. It’s very likely that your partner also said hurtful things to you, whether before the dispute or during it, or you otherwise disagree with how they’ve conducted themselves, which might have been what caused your conflict in the first place. Meaning that, to some degree, your partner was also wrong, too, to some degree.  

That said, apologies are about taking accountability for your own wrongdoing, not shedding light on where your partner went wrong. Your apology is actually the very worst time to redirect blame at your partner, as this will likely make them even angrier and less receptive to an apology in the future.  

If you don’t point blame, you might find that your partner will have some sort of apology of their own to offer. Should they not, you will have to make a decision. And that is whether you will be OK with the fact that you were the far bigger jerk in your conflict and forgive their degree of wrongdoing. That said, if your relationship is defined by the broader trend of you always being the one to apologize and your partner never apologizing, regardless of wrongdoing, you may need to reevaluate your relationship on those grounds. 

Once you do apologize, be prepared for them not to forgive you quite yet — or ever. 

Saying you’re sorry is not a cure for conflict in relationships. Instead, it’s a gesture of goodwill that needs to be followed up with an effort by you to help repair what’s been broken in your relationship —  by you. Despite the time and steps you’ve taken, it might be too soon for your partner to move on from the conflict. Or your partner might accept your apology but still need space. 

 Regardless of what your partner says, refrain from having a tantrum because you’re not getting exactly what you want and reneging on your apology. This applies whether your partner says they aren’t ready to forgive you quite yet, or if they don’t apologize for anything they might have done to contribute to the conflict. You can, however, ask if there’s anything they would like you to clarify about your apology, or if they have any questions. 

 If your partner isn’t ready to forgive you, give them space to heal. Demonstrate your love and respect for them by honoring their wishes. Show them that you’ve learned from your conflict by making any necessary changes in yourself. And, most of all, recognize that giving a true apology means also expecting nothing in return, not even a guarantee that the relationship you’re trying to repair will be repaired.  

Final thoughts … 

 It often takes a “big” person to apologize, to admit that you’ve wronged someone. Indeed, not just the act of apologizing but the reasons why you behaved as you did can be difficult to face on numerous levels.  

 But from difficult situations can also come growth. And understanding. Including whether the relationship you’re in is the right one for you now or as time goes on. Which is a realization you should never apologize for exploring.      

As a Parent, Should You Date Someone Without Kids?

As a parent who has re-entered the dating scene, you may meet someone who seems all-around great and otherwise what you would be looking for in a potential partner. That is, except for one, not so tiny detail: They don’t have children. Does this mean you should move on?

While your life experiences and day-to-day schedules as a parent may be different from someone without kids, it need not be a dealbreaker. That said, there are some issues you should consider first before moving forward with them, even for a first date.

Does the person you’re planning to date know that you have kids?

As a parent, your children are obviously a very important part of your life. Because of that, in many cases, it can be a dealbreaker for someone without their own. Harsh but true.

Some single parents are aware of this, and for this reason, choose to hide that they’re parents until several dates in, hoping to win over their date who doesn’t have children with their glowing personality. Many times, they end up getting dumped for outright lying or lying by omission and are left feeling offended. My advice? Always be upfront about the fact that you have children from the get-go.

If you met your potential partner through online dating, you should reveal that you have children before your first date. Ideally, that information should be on your online dating profile. This way, you and the people you date will not waste valuable time or have your feelings hurt, at least because of this issue.

How old are your kids?

You may find while dating that it’s not just a question of if you have children, but how old they are, which can have an impact on whether your having children will be a dealbreaker for potential matches. For instance, a childless person may not mind dating you if you have adult children that no longer live in your house but may be opposed to the idea of dating someone with young children still requiring a lot of hands-on care.

This distinction ties into the idea of how much your children would be impacting the day-to-day rhythm of your relationship. If your children are older and require less hands-on responsibility, for example, depending on their age, you may feel comfortable leaving them home alone for an afternoon, overnight, or potentially a weekend. It’s no secret that younger children require lots of time and attention and, therefore, can spell less flexibility, particularly for someone who may be used to having more.

What does your parenting schedule look like?

Child custody may play a critical role in whether a person without children would feel comfortable dating you. If you have primary custody of your children, for example, your children’s schedule likely plays a significant role in your everyday life.

More parenting time can translate to potentially less time to go on dates and hang out with a significant other. If you only have custody of your children every other weekend, however, then you may have enough flexibility in your schedule to date someone who doesn’t have similar time constraints.

Is your child's other parent in the picture?

Exes can be a tricky subject in relationships in general. But when you share children with an ex, it’s likely that you have to remain in contact, and that they also have a say in how you parent your children.

With that, your ex may have an opinion or legally be able to give one about the people you bring home to be around your (and their) children. This dynamic may not be something that a person without children would be interested in signing on for necessarily.

How is your relationship with your ex?

If you have a healthy co-parenting relationship, then your relationship with your ex may not cause a problem. But if you went through an acrimonious breakup and still argue regularly, this tension can spill into your current relationship. Such tension could impact your current relationship, as your partner may be willing to be a stepparent but be unwilling to deal with the drama that comes from an ex.

Does the person you’re planning to date have the experience with children that you’re looking for?

Whether experience in your mind means the person you date has nieces or nephews they’re close with or has dated people with children in the past, this person should have at least some experience with children. Not because the expectation is that they need to be a hands-on stepparent potentially, but so that they know how to navigate dating you.

You and your children, especially if your children are young, come as a package deal. That means the person you date will need to be understanding of the idea that your children are a priority. Given this reality, they would, therefore, need to feel secure enough in themselves due to how often you will have to turn your attention toward your children and that dates may need to be moved last minute or canceled because of parenting demands.

As mentioned above, depending on your situation, a person without children may fare better if they have a strong stomach to handle an ex’s presence and the co-parenting issues that go along with it, as well as a

willingness and demonstrable ability to express genuine interest in your children and get along with them, even if the children are at first opposed to it.

Final thoughts …

After asking and answering all of these questions, you may still be unsure whether you, as a parent, should date someone who isn’t a parent. To help clarify your answer, there’s one more question you may want to ask, and that is: As a parent, should you date someone who also has children?

To answer this final question, you would need to ask and answer all of the preceding questions, but, this time, do so while keeping your willingness and ability to date them in mind. Because down the road, you may find that blending families can pose as many issues as dating someone without children does, only different ones.

Ultimately, the answer to whether you as a parent should date someone without children is a judgment call, one based on your and the other person’s unique circumstances. The best course is, therefore, to assess each potential partner on the basis of compatibility in this area. It may just be the case that a partner who also has children is not a match while someone without children is.

Do You Know Which Love Language Your Partner Speaks?

Single, married, or somewhere in between (hey, it can be complicated), you have probably heard the term “love language” thrown around. Heck, love languages are even a prompt on the dating Hinge. However, many people still do not know exactly what love languages are, and why they are important in relationships.

In his 1992 book, “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts,” author Gary Chapman explains patterns he noticed in couple’s counseling, in which couples fundamentally misinterpret each other’s actions, specifically how they express love for each other, as well as what they expect in their partner’s expression of love for them. He refers to these expressions as love languages. 

According to Chapman, there are five love languages we may speak, some at the same time. This potentially makes identifying and understanding them more confusing and the need for his research as important as ever. 

What are the love languages?

The five love languages, says Chapman, are quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, gift-giving, and acts of service. Each of them is characterized by a specific type of behavior.

Physical touch means that you express love and affection physically. This love language is not limited to sex; it includes a variety of physical actions, such as hugs, kisses, holding hands, cuddling, and massages, as well as simple physical contact. An effective way to express love to someone who values physical touch could include a night in, watching Netflix on the couch and sitting with your legs wrapped around each other, or holding hands.

Quality time means that you value spending time with people you care about. This does not mean that you desire to spend as much time as possible with your partner; instead, it means that the time that you do spend together is high quality. What you value is the attention you get from your partner as you spend time together. So, an ideal date would be doing anything, as long as you and your partner are together and engaging in conversations that help you feel heard and wanted.

If your love language is words of affirmation, you verbalize your love and praise for your partner. For instance, you may regularly compliment your partner and tell them you love them, regularly send loving messages to your partner, letting them know you are thinking of them, as well as send love letters.

When gift-giving is your love language, you express affection through gift-giving. These gifts do not need to be expensive, as the expression of love stems from the thought put into the gift, not from the price of the gift itself. For major occasions, such as birthdays and holidays, you may put lots of thought into the gifts you give your partner, and may even give your partner small gifts on random occasions to let them know that you saw this item and thought of them.

Acts of service mean that you express your appreciation and love by helping out your partner. When this is your love language, you may run errands, help out around the house, or do other nice things to help your partner. When your partner does things to help you out, it may help you feel appreciated.

Why are love languages important?

The theory of love languages is built upon the understanding that we each express our love differently. So, in a relationship, if your partner does not speak your love language and there is no understanding of love languages, conflict and resentment can build up in a relationship. However, it may not be the case that your partner does not love you, but that you each speak different love languages and simply need to work on your communication to express love for each other in a way that you both can understand.

By using each other’s love languages, you can develop a deeper understanding of each other and work toward making each other feel loved in your relationship. When you discuss languages with each other, you may open up with each other and communicate ways to help improve your love and intimacy in your relationship, which can have long-term benefits in helping you feel closer to each other.

Furthermore, the love languages add a sense of meaning to your actions. When you act without love languages, you may intuitively express love in a way that only you would subconsciously understand to mean you love your partner. But when you consider from their perspective what love is and looks like, then the actions you take to express love in a way for them to understand require that your loving actions are deliberate.

This means that using the love languages in your relationship requires empathy, as you need to consider from your partner’s perspective what would make them feel loved in your relationship. So, when you take action to demonstrate love in your relationship, you may consider using your partner’s love language instead of your own. However, try not to keep score of each love language action your partner takes, as they may not necessarily express their love for you in your language, still using their own language.

How to determine your love language

There are several questions you can ask yourself that can help you determine your love language. Basic questions to start with include: “What can my partner do to help me feel appreciated in our relationship?” or “What do I do to express my love for my partner?” You may ask yourself whether you like when your partner calls you out of the blue to tell you they love you, randomly cook you a nice dinner, surprise you with a sentimental gift, spend a weekend away with you, or hold your hand as you go for a walk together.

More comprehensively, there are tests online to help you determine your love language. To learn your partner’s love language, you may observe the way your partner acts with you, and what they do to demonstrate their appreciation for you. You can also ask them about their love language outright. If they do not know their love language, a fun romantic activity could be taking an online love language test together. Then, you can apply those results to your relationship to help foster feelings of mutual love and appreciation. 

And have the relationship you always imagined.

Winter Coating Is The Latest Dating Trend to Give Singles the Chills

It’s that time of year; the weather is getting colder, and the holidays are here. With more time being spent indoors and events penciled on the calendar where a plus one would be a plus, some singles are becoming laser-focused on finding a romantic partner to add to their lives. At least until spring.

Even better is if that person is someone they’re already comfortable with, allowing them to pick up where they left off. No awkward first dates, no getting-to-know-you period, and, at least for them, no promises. It’s cuffing season with a twist, and it has a name — winter coating. 

What is winter coating?

Winter coating is a phenomenon that goes hand-in-hand with cuffing season. Though winter coating is a relatively new phrase, cuffing season has been in most daters’ vocabulary for much longer. Cuffing season — for those not in the know — is when singles get into relationships when the weather starts to get colder and then break up in the spring with the prospect of summer fun around the bend. 

Generally, relationships that start during cuffing season, officially beginning in November, are meant to last through the holidays until March or April. This is the time of year when many people get into shorter relationships so that they have someone to spend the holidays with or someone to spend time with as more activities move inside due to cold weather.

Winter coating is a similar concept introduced by the dating app Inner Circle, except with winter coating, cuffing involves an ex. Just like someone may start a relationship they intend to last through the winter, someone may also try to get back with an ex for the same reason. It’s similar to getting your winter coat out of the closet. Someone reaches out for it when they need and want it, but when the weather starts to get warmer, back in the closet it goes.

Why are people likely to start winter coating?

There are a few reasons why someone may try winter coating. Similar to the motivations for getting into a relationship during cuffing season, they may want someone to do things with as more activities move out of group settings and indoors. Additionally, the holidays can be a major stressor for some people. Being in a relationship may make them feel less lonely or may help them deal with questions about relationships from parents or family.

Winter coating, however, offers a unique benefit — familiarity. In addition to getting all the perks of a relationship, a winter coat relationship is familiar and doesn’t require as much guesswork in the beginning. Any of the patterns or habits — good or bad — that someone and their ex had the first time they dated may be easy to slide back into.

Crystal Cansdale, a dating expert at Inner Circle, says, “This year, with the pressure of costs going up and people cutting back on dates, there’s the added risk of singles going back to old flings in the same way they dig out their old winter coat for the season. Winter Coating offers the comfort of staying inside, watching Netflix and not actually dating, with someone you’ve already established this dynamic with.”

Given how tumultuous and unpredictable the past few years have been, people may be looking for something familiar. Because some people are still wary of socializing in the aftermath of the pandemic, winter coating may be especially alluring.

What is the best response to winter coating?

f you believe that you’re being winter coated by an ex, think about whether or not re-entering the relationship is a good idea for you. Even though you may be able to do the same fun things you did when you were together, you’ll also likely end up getting into the same fights you got into, too (especially if that was part of why you broke up). 

To protect yourself, talk to your ex about their motivations. You can ask them if they’re actually looking to work on your relationship and build a new one together or if they’re just looking for something casual and short-term. If you don’t want to be in a more casual relationship, you should make this clear, too. If you fail to communicate your non-negotiables, it could cause a lot of fighting and heartbreak in the end, particularly for you.

Final thoughts …

Something short and casual can be fun if that’s what you know you’re signing on for and want. If it isn’t, make sure you’re clear about what you do want and ask your ex to be the same. Otherwise, you may find yourself left out of the cold, even when it’s warm outside. 

What is Catfishing, and How Can You Avoid It?

It’s no secret that cats get a bad rap, and catfishing is certainly no exception to the rule, especially in dating. If you haven’t been a victim of it, you’re truly one of the lucky ones.

For those who’ve been catfishing victims, you know what I’m about to explain. For those unfamiliar with catfishing, listen up because not only am I going to help you identify when it’s happening, but I’m going to give you some tips on how to avoid falling prey.

But first, let’s begin with a discussion of what catfishing is.

What is catfishing?

Catfishing is an online scam where the catfisher pretends to be someone they’re not. The catfisher then zeroes in on their target, usually with the intention of getting that target to fall in love with them so they can ask for money. It should be noted that there can be other reasons for catfishing, discussed below.

Catfishers lure their prey through various means that generally build over time. The deception can involve sending online messages or texts as well as images of individuals they pretend are them. Depending on the catfisher’s style, there may also be emails, letters, and phone calls.

Once the catfisher gains their target’s trust, they’ll move in for what they’re really after, which isn’t love. They’ll often say they need “help” to accomplish some type of task, such as meeting their target in person. Depending on the catfisher’s goal, this in-person meeting will likely never occur.   

With financial catfishing, once the target sends the payment the catfisher requested, the promise of a visit goes unfulfilled. At that time, either the catfisher disappears or comes up with further excuses about why they need more money to accomplish their goal. This can go on for as long as the target stays hooked.   

Why do people catfish? 

The reasons for catfishing vary, and you’ll likely never know why someone was motivated to do it in the first place. A common reason for catfishing is money. Other reasons people catfish are to stalk or harass their target, cyberbully them, have the target perform illegal acts on the catfisher’s behalf, sexually abuse the target, and for the purposes of obtaining information from the target. Yet another is loneliness. 

Sometimes there is more than one reason for catfishing, as revealed in the recent Netflix documentary, “Untold: The Girlfriend Who Didn’t Exist.” The two-hour documentary details the story of Hawaiin-born Notre Dame football player Manti Te’o, who was catfished online.  

A rising football star who appeared both intelligent and kind, he demonstrated how easy it is to become the victim of catfishing. Not to mention the damage it can cause, which can be far-reaching and long-lasting. 

What are the signs of catfishing? 

Fortunately, a catfisher often exhibits certain signs that they may not be on the up and up. The most common of them are:  

• They have no online presence or one that is very limited. (A caveat: some catfishers are skilled at creating what appears to be a well-developed social media presence.) 

• When pressed, they decline any interactions, such as FaceTime or in-person meetings. 

• Their profile was created very recently. (They may have numerous posts within a short period of time to make the profile appear older than it is, so always look at the dates of the posts). 

• The pictures appear to be professional or stock photos. Or something about the photos makes you suspect the images may have been stolen. (Tip: If you’re suspicious, try doing an image search.) 

• The person asks you for money (or some other favor, including explicit photos) fairly quickly. 

• Your gut tells you something isn’t quite right. 

How can I avoid being catfished? 

Unfortunately, it’s pretty difficult to avoid attempts from catfishers altogether, even if you keep your social media accounts private and are protective of your personal information. People who catfish can be pretty crafty and persistent when they want something.  

That said, here are a few tips to keep you safe:  

• Your intuition is your best friend, so be sure to listen to them if they’re whispering in your ear that something smells fishy about an interaction online. 

• Don’t honor the catfisher’s request; don’t send money, photos, or anything else the catfisher requests, including personal information.  

• Block the suspicious account.  

• Report the suspicious account to the platform it came from. 

What should I do if I have been catfished? 

If you’ve already been a victim of catfishing and have, for example, sent money to an individual you now realize catfished you:  

• Block the suspicious account.  

• Report the suspicious account to the platform it came from. 

• Contact law enforcement or file a complaint with the FBI’s Internet Crime Complaint Center. 

Final thoughts … 

According to recent data, as of January 2022, in the U.S. alone, 13% of those surveyed said they had “definitely believed they had interacted with a catfish online.” Seventeen percent said they “probably” did.   

In the U.S., other data reveals that the average catfishing victim lost more than $15,000. Equally as disturbing, catfishing costs victims more than $187 million yearly.  

The bottom line? Catfishing is a major problem that doesn’t appear to be going away anytime soon. But with enough attention, you can help prevent yourself from becoming a statistic. If you have any questions about your interactions online, I can help. Call me today.      

My Partner Wants to Share in My Hobby, But I Don’t Want Them To

Typically, we hear of partners who are unwilling to take interest in their partner’s hobbies. However, there’s a flip side, which is having a partner who wants to participate in your hobby, but you don’t want them to. 

It may seem strange at first thought, considering how some people actually ask that their partners participate in their hobbies with them. In partnerships, after all, you should want to share your life with your partner, including your passions, which can manifest tangibly as hobbies. 

Still, you find yourself in the situation of having a partner who wants to participate in your hobby, at a level that is more than the bare minimum, yet you aren’t keen on the idea. But why? Spoiler alert: The reason may not be “bad,” nor do they have to mean the end of your relationship. 

To find out what your reluctance means, here are a few questions to ask yourself. 

Why don’t I want to share my hobby with my partner?

The first answer that comes to mind is that your hobby is your thing, meaning you do it alone. Some people are more extroverted than others, and your hobby may function as an outlet to give a more introverted person like yourself some space to recharge and unwind. Even for a more extroverted person, everyone needs at least a little bit of time to be on their own and practice self-care.

Space is healthy in a relationship, to a degree. When partners have the ability to part ways for a period and do their own thing, they can have something new to say when they return to each other. Furthermore, space allows partners to maintain a sense of individuality within the relationship. Too little space can be problematic over time because it may make you feel smothered, and too much space would defeat the sense of dependability necessary in a relationship entirely.

What purpose in my life does my hobby serve?

Are you and your partner spending every minute of every day together, and your hobby is your one outlet to be alone? Or is it that, whenever you have free time, you choose to participate in your hobby over spending quality time with your partner? 

If your reasoning for not wanting your partner to share in your hobby is that you want to have something that is just for you, and you believe that you’re giving your partner plenty of time and attention, talk it through. Communicate with them that you need a bit of time for just yourself and that you will still do plenty of other activities with them.

How much time am I devoting to my hobby?

Next, you need to ask yourself how much time you’re devoting to your hobby. Is it just an hour at the end of the night to yourself, or do you devote entire weekends to your hobby? It may be the case that you’re not spending enough time with your partner, and the reason they’re asking to participate in your hobby with you is that they want to see more of you.

We only have 24 hours in a day but infinite hours worth of things we want to do. So we have to make choices, including spending time with our partner or participating in our hobby. That said, a hobby shouldn’t be an all-or-nothing proposition.

Relationships are about compromise, which means, in the example of a film buff, instead of having the time to watch movie marathons every weekend, you may only watch one film a week. This may not sound like the answer hobby enthusiasts would like to hear, but if you choose your hobby over your partner, your partner most likely will not stick around for very long.

What are my relationship priorities?

Hobbies and relationships can and do successfully coexist, but as soon as hobbies get in the way of quality time between partners, relationship trouble may follow because consistently choosing a hobby over your relationship suggests that you value that hobby more than your partner. So, in the situation of not wanting your partner to participate in your hobby, you may need to ask yourself more broad questions about the nature of your relationship, such as: Do I truly want to be in my relationship? Or, Am I emotionally unavailable?

The answer to these questions may not be a simple yes or no. You may like your partner a lot as a person and enjoy hanging out with them, but you may not necessarily value being in a relationship to the same extent as some of your hobbies. You simply may not be willing to commit that much time to a relationship and instead may have different priorities, including your hobbies.

Final thoughts …

Emotional unavailability can come in many forms, including not having the time for a relationship, and may even reveal itself in your unwillingness to share a hobby with your partner. It can feel strange to reach the realization that you may not want that serious of a relationship or want one with a particular person.

A partner who doesn’t give you space can be detrimental as well. Regardless, being aware of your long-term goals and communicating them with your partner are both key to any successful relationship.

How to Deal With an Inconsistent Partner

Consistency describes the predictable actions and patterns in a relationship that enable you to build a sense of trust in your partner over time. In a stable relationship, you can easily predict your partner’s behaviors and how they will react in many situations. 

Perhaps even more important, you can depend on what your partner says, meaning that if they make a promise to you, you know from experience that it is not an empty platitude and actions back their words. To put it simply, you know what to expect from them. The result is that, over time, you grow to have confidence in your relationship. Unfortunately, not every partner is consistent.

Why is consistency important?

Ultimately, consistency is the foundation of a strong relationship. Consistency is a prerequisite for stability, which brings about accountability, trust, honesty, and emotional intimacy between partners. Consistency fosters an environment in which love can grow. 

Because consistency is desirable, people look for it in relationships. Some also tend to find it, even when it is not actually there. They ignore the signs of an inconsistent partner, excuse them away, or are not actually aware of what an inconsistent partner looks like. The result is never good, which is why it is helpful to understand what an inconsistent partner looks like. 

What are the signs of an inconsistent partner?

Given how important consistency in a relationship is, it is a wonder how so many people find themselves in a relationship with an inconsistent partner and putting up with it. Often, it is because people don’t recognize the signs or, if they do, excuse them away. Regardless of the reason, here are a few red flags to look out for.  

1. They don’t make much of an effort.

The relationship may feel very one-sided. You are putting in all of the work, making time for your partner, and trying to be emotionally vulnerable with them. But regardless of what you do, they do not reciprocate. Instead, it feels like you are pulling teeth to get them to see you or text you back. They, in turn, do the bare minimum to keep you hooked.

This behavior is called breadcrumbing. The breadcrumber does as little as possible to keep their partner starving for attention, keeping them lukewarm until they decide that someone better has come along. Lack of effort can make you feel unappreciated and neglected, which can harm your self-esteem over time.

2. They flake on plans.

If you have plans set with an inconsistent partner at a specific time, they often will go silent the day that you have said plans, cancel at the last minute, or, worse, not show up. Having your partner flake on you is hurtful because it demonstrates that you cannot depend on them. This feeling can cause you to lose faith in your relationship.

Making plans is the equivalent of making a promise. The pattern of breaking promises is harmful in a relationship because it shows you cannot trust that your partner will be there for you. If they cannot show up during the small moments, what will happen during the big ones? 

Very often, their frequent cancelations are the tip of the iceberg. If your partner is canceling your plans or standing you up, you will likely find that they are breaking other promises in your relationship, more serious ones.

3. Their words don’t match their actions.

They say, “I love you,” but treat you like an afterthought. They call you their partner but refuse to open up to you or lean on you in their time of need or be there for you when you need them. They say they want to spend more time with you, but they are always busy, and you rarely see them or even hear from them. 

They make lofty promises with a lack of a concrete plan or any real ability to hold up to the promises. 

They tell you exactly what you want to hear. But as nice as their words sound, the inevitable mismatch between their words and actions, their lack of follow-through, only leaves you disappointed and increasingly frustrated. 

4. They are hot and cold.

Some days, your partner may “show up,” showering you with love and being everything you want and more. On other days, however, they may give you the cold shoulder and seem to forget you exist. In some cases, your partner may go through these shifts over the course of a day, where everything is good until it isn’t, and you are left confused about why your partner has suddenly gone cold on you. 

As a result, you feel like you have to walk on eggshells in order to avoid upsetting your partner. But despite your best efforts, you continue to come up short because what is driving your partner to shut you out is well beyond your control. You just haven’t realized it yet. 

5. They don’t introduce you to their friends and family and have no intention of doing so.

You have been in a relationship with your partner for a while now, but you have yet to meet your partner’s friends, family, or anyone significant in their life. Similarly, when they talk about plans for the future, it does not sound like you are a part of those plans. This behavior suggests that they do not see you as a long-term prospect or are serious about you or your relationship. 

What should you do if you have an inconsistent partner?

When dealing with an inconsistent partner, you may worry that it spells the end of the relationship. However, it need not be the case. There are ways to work on your relationship or at least ascertain whether the behavior you are experiencing is indeed the mark of a disinterested partner. 

1. Communicate

The first step in handling any conflict in a relationship is communication. Your partner cannot read your mind, and they may not even be aware that you are dissatisfied. So, talk to them about it. Some people are naturally flaky, but if they are willing to work on their behavior once you alert them to it, it is often a good sign.

As you have your conversation, be sure to frame your words in a non-accusatory fashion. You don’t want to put your partner on the defensive; you are partners, not rivals. You need to work together to solve problems in your relationship.

2. Set an example as a consistent partner.

Be a role model of consistency to demonstrate your expectations to your partner. To that end, set realistic expectations, remain true to your word, and be there for your partner when they need you. Be honest and direct when their behavior is anything less than what you deserve.

3. Keep putting effort into the relationship

Spend quality time with your partner to further strengthen your bond. If your partner responds well to the effort you are putting into the relationship, don’t pull back even though you may be inclined to see if your partner will be happy with less. 

Pulling back may make you appear inconsistent, which could then make your partner insecure in the relationship. Relationships require effort from both partners.

4. Seek guidance from a relationship counselor or dating coach.

If your efforts are still not working, you can always turn to a couples counselor or dating coach. An experienced professional can help facilitate communication and advise you about what strategies to implement in your relationship that will create stability, causing you and your partner to each feel more comfortable and secure.

Final thoughts …

If your partner is resistant to making improvements in your relationship, then you should start thinking about looking for a partner elsewhere. Your relationship should be a source of support for you to grow as a human — with your partner and as an individual. A romantic relationship should also be enjoyable. 

When you have an inconsistent person in your life, one you can never rely on, their inconsistency becomes the only thing you can rely on. So ask yourself: Is that the relationship I want?

Why Does My Partner Want to Argue About Everything?

Have you noticed that the conversations you have with your partner always seem to end in arguments, even when you discuss topics with zero stakes? Have you noticed how much they seem to enjoy arguing? Are you getting sick of it?

Sure, it can be entertaining as a mental exercise to debate silly topics every once in a while, and even significant arguments are healthy in relationships from time to time because they provide an opportunity for open communication. But having every single conversation devolve into a debate? It can get exhausting quickly.

So what can you do about your partner’s propensity to take everything you say to task? The first step is to understand why they may be starting arguments with you. From there, you can then choose how to handle these situations when they come up.

Reasons Why Your Partner Wants to Argue About Everything

1. They are unhappy.

Whether the reason has to do with you specifically or because they are dissatisfied with some other aspect of their life, they may be coping by displacing their negative feelings. The modus operandi? Picking arguments over seemingly nothing. 

In other words, they are taking out their frustrations on you. Annoying as it is, more importantly, it is unfair and warrants a longer discussion about healthy communication and the standards by which you should treat each other in a relationship.

2. They are insecure.

When some people suffer from low self-esteem, they sometimes feel the need to compensate for their lack of self-worth by putting down others. For example, if an individual is insecure about their intelligence, they may overcompensate by showing off how smart they are. 

They can do this by, you guessed it, regularly starting debates with others, questioning ideas, and attempting to prove why they are right and everyone else, including you, is wrong. 

3. That is how their parents interacted.

Our upbringing plays a crucial role in how we behave in relationships as adults. In many ways, we learn our communication skills from our parents. So when we have parents who criticize and question each other and argue over everything, we can pick up those same habits and carry them into adulthood. 

If you have been around your partner’s family and they speak in a similar fashion to your partner, then your partner may have learned those traits during childhood. So, for your partner, the argumentative behavior may just be their normal style of communication, as unwelcome as it is for you. They may not even be aware of it.

4. This is their nature.

People exist all over the spectrum of agreeableness. On one end are people pleasers who actively go out of their way to prevent conflict and arguments even to their own detriment, while on the other end are high-conflict personalities. The latter group can include stubborn people who are set in their ways with no room for alternative perspectives, as well as eristic people who actively enjoy the spirit of debate. 

Another way to say this is that some people naturally have argumentative personalities, and that is just who they are. They will start arguments simply because they enjoy arguing or because they cannot empathize with others. In any event, this is who they are. As the late Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” Thereafter, you need to make some serious choices.

What to Do About Your Partner’s Need to Argue

While constant arguing can threaten a relationship, it does not have to lead to a breakup. There are specific ways to handle your partner’s love of mental sparring and your distaste for it.

1. Learn to live with it.

As discussed earlier, your partner’s argumentative spirit may simply be part of who they are and that it was part of who they were when you met and fell in love. Our partners will never be perfect, and they will always have traits that irritate us. 

So ask yourself if their love of and desire to start debates over everything is worth ending your relationship over. If you answered no, then accepting them for who they are may very well be what you have to do to keep your relationship. As the saying goes, love ‘em or leave ‘em.

2. Exit the conversation when a debate begins.

You can help your partner improve their habits with how you respond. For example, if you notice they are trying to pick a fight, you can stay composed and exit the conversation instead. In other words, make it a point not to engage. 

You can do this by picking your battles and letting them “win” the argument they started (because who cares anyway). You can do this by acknowledging their perspective or saying something along the lines of “I see what you mean” and not fighting back. Alternatively, you can tell them that you are not going to argue right now and leave the room or go for a walk. 

But whatever you do, don’t let them rile you up. Acting or, rather, reacting may make you say something you regret, causing an even larger argument to ensue.

3. Communicate how you feel about the constant debating.

However, if you determine that you can no longer put up with their constant debating and questioning of you, you need to communicate that to them. They may not realize their need to debate, and their love of it negatively impacts you. In that case, tell them how you are feeling and how their habitual arguing is affecting you.

That said, be careful not to sound accusatory or attack their character. You do not want to put your partner on the defensive. Instead, you will want to create an environment in which you can enjoy an open stream of dialogue without one of you feeling uncomfortable. So see how receptive they are to repairing your dynamic and, if necessary …  

4. Seek help from a mental health professional or relationship coach.

If you are still unable to resolve the constant bickering in your relationship or feel you need additional support, you can seek help from a mental health professional or relationship coach. Such a professional can facilitate open dialogue between you and your partner while also coming up with new communication strategies to implement in your relationship. 

Final thoughts …

Some relationships are worth saving, and others are not. But to identify which are which, you need to address issues with your partner as they arise and make critical decisions together about how you will handle them. Hopefully, you and your partner will agree that the best method to improve your communication skills is one topic worth debating. 

Dogfishing: The Dating App Trend That Works for Men, Says Science

Dating apps are a popular method for meeting a prospective partner. But because competition on dating apps is fierce, increasingly, men have taken to a strategy called dogfishing to help them become the pick of the litter.  

Are you thinking that’s dog gone ridiculous? Think again. A new study has shown that these men might actually be onto something because those who go dogfishing get more matches online. But is this tactic right for you? You be the judge.  

What is dogfishing? 

Dogfishing is a phrase that has surfaced in the past few years. Like catfishing, where someone lures someone else into a relationship using fake images or a fake personality (though less sinister because the identity of those who dogfish is real), the dogfisher posts photos on their dating profiles of themselves with dogs to build attraction.  

Simple, right? That depends. For some men, there’s a catch: The dog isn’t necessarily theirs. Ethical? The jury is still out.  

Is dogfishing ethical? 

Men have been using dogs in their dating profiles for many years to try and get potential matches to swipe right, regardless of whether the dog in the photo is their own or not. Many don’t see an issue with using someone else’s dog in their photo, arguing that they aren’t saying that the dog in the photo is their dog in the first place.  

Some women feel that it borders too close to lying or manipulation, however. The presence of the dog in the photo suggests that the person has a close relationship with the dog. 

Terry Nguyen wrote this about dogfishing for The Washington Post in 2019: 

 This cultural obsession with dogs on the apps has spiraled into another problem: Daters are posting photos of pups they don’t own, to attract matches. “Dogfishing” is not exactly a lie — the person did take a photo with that dog — but to some daters, it feels like a veiled form of deception. And things can get awkward fast when a date realizes that the pet in the profile solely exists as bait. 

Some women will care, others won’t. But it seems like dogfishing is here to stay because, the fact of the matter is, dogfishing works. Here’s what one study has to say about it.  

Does dogfishing work? 

According to LADbible, a new study out of the University of Jaén in Spain found that women were more at ease when they saw photos of men with dogs. When they felt more at ease seeing a potential match on the app, they were more likely to match with them and start up a conversation.  

Indeed, it appears that, if you’re a guy, something as simple as holding a dog in your profile’s photos can drastically increase your chances of matching with someone. But the study also revealed that not every dog will garner the same result. 

What is the most effective way to dogfish? 

The University of Jaén study also found that certain details or circumstances made someone swiping right more likely, even with a dog in the photo. 

Photos in which men are with a smaller dog are more likely to be received well than those in which they are with a medium, large, or more-threatening dog. Because dogs put the women in the study at ease, a dog that counteracts that initial reaction is more likely to counteract a desire to swipe right. 

Similarly, photos taken in a public or well-lit place were better than photos taken in darker places and were more likely to get a positive reaction from the women in the study. Such photos are also more likely to get a match.  

So, even if the dog in the photo puts a woman at ease, if the context of the photo is negative, that effect might be counteracted. The best way to dogfish is, therefore, to take a photo in a positive context with a smaller or less-threatening dog. 

Conclusion 

Dogs make excellent friends, and they can bolster our moods. And, they might very well be the best wingman (or wingwoman) you have around.  

So the next time you’re deciding what photo to put in your profile, think about using one with a dog. Just be aware that the woman who swiped right on you might be just as interested in meeting you as they are your furry friend, perhaps more.  

Should You Get Back With Your Ex After a Breakup?

“Dumper” or “dumpee,” the question of whether you should get back together with your ex after breaking up seems to come up more often than not. After all, you rationalize, you got together for a reason, so there must have been a time when you were happy. So you think, “Perhaps we could capture that magic again.”  

You begin reflecting on the good times and miss them. And maybe, just maybe, they have been feeling the same. You consider sending “that” message. Though, hopefully, not the one Adam Levine recently sent. Or maybe your ex already tried to make contact with you.  

Regardless, before contemplating the bigger question of whether you should get back together, there are several questions you need to ask yourself first. Here they are. 

Why did you break up? 

If the answer to this question is that your relationship partner was abusive toward you, whether physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually, or financially, the answer should be NO. Don’t get back together. Abusers do not change; any form of abuse should always be a dealbreaker. Notwithstanding the fact that any type of abuse puts you in harm’s way, you deserve better.  

Similarly, if your ex was a serial cheater or pathological liar, chances are, they have not changed either, so I would not recommend taking that ex back, either. Again, you deserve better.  

However, if you broke up due to issues that could have been resolved with proper communication, such as slowly becoming disenchanted with each other over time and feeling unappreciated in the relationship, there are several other factors you should consider before making a decision to get back together. Read on. 

How long has it been since your breakup? 

If you broke up yesterday, chances are, neither you nor your ex had the chance to introspect and learn from your relationship, which means that if you were to get back together today, you would pretty much be picking up right where you left off.  

Get back together too soon and have the same fights and continue to feel dissatisfied with certain aspects of your relationships, you will likely end up breaking up again, and that is no fun. The bottom line is that without changing anything about your past relationship, and yourselves for that matter, you are pretty much doomed to repeat the same behaviors that compromised your relationship in the first place, which will only prolong the heartache of your breakup. Only time apart can bring perspective.  

However, if it has been several weeks or months, or even years later, and you and your ex just randomly stumble on each other in a coffee shop, for example, there is a chance that the person you are meeting now is no longer the person you remember them being. Time is a strong healer; as you go through life, each of your experiences is formative, and the wisdom you acquire (hopefully) can change you little by little until you emerge with a more mature perspective on life. 

That said, it is also possible that you have spent too much time apart. Upon reacquainting yourself with your ex, you may realize that you are now too different from each other. Or that you have been putting them on a pedestal in your mind all this time and actually do not want to be with them anymore. Finally, you may have simply been missing the idea of them. They may feel similarly about you, which can still be heartbreaking to realize.  

Additionally, there is the possibility that despite the passage of time, you or your ex have not matured at all. That is why the next question is critical for determining whether reconciliation is possible or even a good idea.  

What have you learned from your breakup? 

Given that you did not break up with your ex for a fundamental, unforgivable dealbreaker such as abuse, the reality is that you went wrong somewhere in your relationship. It is easy to pin blame on your ex and reflect on everything they did to you, but if you aim to get back together with them, you need to abandon your victim mindset. It is pretty much a given that you made mistakes in your relationship, too. 

Maybe you struggled with communication, or you were the one who did not appreciate your ex. Maybe you used to press their buttons — deliberately. Whatever it was, you need to have the understanding that there is something to learn from past mistakes in your relationship so that you can most effectively avoid making those mistakes again and bringing about another breakup. You also want to make sure you are getting back together for the right reasons, not because you are lonely. 

Are you willing to put in the work? 

After spending time apart, you will need to recognize that you simply cannot pick up where you left off. You and your ex should be different people now; hopefully, both of you have learned from your breakup, worked on yourselves and your issues, and are willing to put in the effort to move forward together.  

You will need to take time to reacquaint yourself with each other. You will also need to rebuild the trust you may have lost as a result of your breakup and time apart. 

More importantly, you will need to be patient with each other and set realistic expectations. Most likely, your relationship did not end all at once, even if it came to a head in a single event. Your relationship's demise was most likely a slow breakdown, as you each engaged in habits that left the relationship weaker.  

Final thoughts … 

You are not perfect, and neither is your ex; you each may backslide into some old habits that previously hurt your relationship. However, for your relationship to continue, what you need to do is be cognizant of these bad habits, catch yourself engaging in them early, and work together to create the relationship you both claim to want. Remember, it takes two to break up as much as it does to make up.   

When You Notice Your Partner Is ‘Quietly Quitting’ Your Relationship

There has been a lot of conversation post-pandemic about people who are “quietly quitting” their jobs, or at least thinking about it. If you're unfamiliar with the term, when you quietly quit your job, you still show up for work but come with a commitment to yourself to only do what your job description requires to keep yourself employed. No more, no less. Unfortunately, the result for those who quietly quit is generally a demonstratable lack of enthusiasm for the position, a subtle refusal to put in extra effort when asked, and an unwillingness to seek out additional projects or hours to impress the powers that be.

Though quietly quitting is a less obvious way for employees to express their dissatisfaction with the pre-pandemic status quo, which favored a work-life balance with an emphasis on the work part, employers are taking notice. Why? They can see and feel the difference in not only output but attitude. The same holds in relationships.    

Romantic partners may quietly quit their relationships, as described in this recent article from the New York Post, gradually becoming complacent about their partners but not pulling the plug. It seems to happen slowly at first and can look like this: Your partner stops doing the little things that make you feel loved and important. Then they stop doing the bigger things, like spending time with you. Indeed, it can feel like you're single, although you’re still in a committed relationship.

The emotional neglect you face as a result can be devastating. However, when you confront your partner about the issue, they may say they’re just busy. They may claim they don’t want to break up if you press them, that everything is fine. But you know there’s more to their behavior and want to understand why. If this sounds familiar to you, read on.

Why is my partner quietly quitting emotionally on me?

To help explain why some people may quietly quit their relationships, it’s helpful to first look at why people quietly quit their jobs because the reasons aren’t all that different. For example, people quietly quit their jobs because they’re stuck in a toxic work environment or have a horrible boss, causing them to stop caring about their work.

However, because these individuals need a paycheck, and it doesn’t seem like there are any promising job prospects for them at the moment, or they don’t feel like putting in the effort to go through a job search, they stay. That is, at least until their boss puts them out of their misery by letting them go, after which they have no choice but to search for a new job. Yet another reason for staying is they haven’t decided for sure that they want to quit because maybe they’re worried the grass may not be greener somewhere else.

In relationships where one partner quietly quits, the complacent partner may similarly have one foot in the door and the other foot out. This behavior invariably makes their partner a placeholder until someone better comes along, they take the leap and make the break themselves with no one waiting in the wings, or the neglected partner does them a favor and kicks them to the curb.

In the meantime, the quietly quitting partner continues to gain the benefits of being in a relationship, putting in only the minimum effort to get what they need. Yet, at the same time, their mind wanders, and their eyes look elsewhere. Of course, they don’t want their partner in the way a partner in a healthy relationship should, but they don’t want to be alone, so they stick it out for the time being.

The unfortunate part is that all too often, the neglected partner tries harder, at least at first, and puts more of themselves into the relationship to return to that sweet spot when they first felt a spark. But, unfortunately, when that doesn’t work, the neglected partner pulls away too, causing the relationship to devolve further, perhaps end.

Both partners can probably agree that they each deserve better, with one person usually wanting to try making it better, i.e., the person who’s not quietly quitting. So, short of ending the relationship and in the interest of saving it, what can be done to prevent a partner from quietly quitting their relationship?

What can I do to stop my partner from quietly quitting our relationship?

The first step is to speak up and tell your partner how you’re feeling, specifically that you’re feeling neglected and your needs aren’t being met. That said, don’t cast blame. Instead, use language that begins with “I” rather than “You,” as in “I feel,” not “You make me feel.”

After that, your job is to listen to your partner’s responses, gauge them against what you believe to be accurate, consider what role you may have played in causing their behavior, and seek to make changes to your own actions (if that’s how you decide to proceed). You may also want to come out and ask your partner if they would like to end the relationship. If they say no, that they would like to stay and work on it with you, you need to commit to this process together.   

However, if you find over time that your partner’s words don’t match their actions, that they’re still complacent about you and the relationship, you need to be clear about your path. The worst thing you can do is cling harder to your partner because, just as in physics, where every action has an equal and opposite reaction, so, too, will your partner, with them likely pulling further away. At this point, there’s one thing you can do, and that is to leave the relationship.

Final thoughts …

Healthy relationships are satisfying for both partners. No one should feel their partner is quietly quitting on them, and no one should feel complacent about the partner they’re dating. If you believe you’ve become complacent about dating in general and that quietly quitting relationships is a pattern, perhaps you’re suffering from dating burnout and either need a break or a new approach to picking your partners.

Regardless, if either scenario is the case, the relationship should end, and both you and your partner should move on to find someone special who will fulfill you. Not all relationships are meant to last. So take your cues and free yourself to find one that will.

7 Ways to Show Support for Your Partner During Difficult Times

We all go through rough patches in our lives. Part of being a good partner is being supportive during difficult times. Of course, that is often easier said than done, not only because you may not have been the partner you wanted to be previously, but also because you may not have known how to. What follows is a discussion about how you can show your partner you are there for them when they may need you most.

1. Check in with them.

If you notice your partner is feeling down and not acting as they usually do, such as isolating themselves, acting irritable or angry, or appearing like they are in a funk, start by checking in on them. A simple, “Is something upsetting you?” can be a good jumping-off point. However, some people are more forthcoming about their feelings than others. 

Should this be the case with your partner, or they have a history of passive-aggressive behavior, ask yourself if there is something you could have done to upset them. If you are not aware of anything, look to factors in your partner’s life that may be responsible: a challenging time at work, a sick relative, a disappointment, or a life change, to name a few possibilities.

Next, communicate to your partner that you noticed they have not been their usual self and seem like they may not be OK. Explain what you have noticed that has led you to this conclusion. By doing so, you open the door for your partner to confide in you about what is going on.

Now, how you respond from here will be key to how adept you are at being a supportive partner. This is why you should …

2. Just listen at first.

If you are lucky and your partner shares with you why they are upset, simply listen. Let them get everything they need to off of their chest first before speaking. Depending on what the issue is, you may instinctually want to tell them their problem is not that big of a deal, they are overreacting, or you can fix it for them.

While these comments may be true and come from your heart, this isn’t necessarily what your partner wants to hear. At least just yet. So, when they have finished speaking to you, ask this: Would you like to hear my thoughts about what you just told me?

If your partner says yes, tread carefully. It still doesn’t mean you cut loose and say anything and everything that is on your mind. Instead, do the following.   

3. Ask what you can do to support them.

Whether or not you know or have some understanding of why your partner is feeling unhappy, your next step should be to ask them what you can do to provide them with the support they need. However, you still need to be careful not to take on their problems and try to fix things for them. This may make people feel overwhelmed, resentful, or even smothered.

Depending on how your partner reacts to stress, they may ask for some space. It can be very difficult to give it to them. But it is critical to the health of your relationship that if your partner communicates such a need you listen.

Make clear to your partner that if they need space, it is OK. However, also let them know they can depend on you for emotional support if they choose, and you will be there for them if and when they do.

4. Find ways to bring your partner joy and show them how much you appreciate them.

When your partner is dealing with problems from other aspects of their life, one of your greatest assets as their partner is that you can help them escape for a little bit. Rather than reminding them of what is bringing them down, you can be a haven for happiness. You can do this in a variety of ways.

You can use their love language, as described in Gary Chapman’s “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts” to determine what type of attention they would respond to best. For example, if your partner’s love language is words of affirmation, you can give reminders of how much you love and care for them and how wonderful you think they are. Or if their love language is time, give them more of it.

Maybe you can plan a fun date night, such as going to that new restaurant you have been meaning to try and then getting ice cream, or a night in playing games and watching a movie. It doesn’t matter, as long as your partner is receptive.

5. Don’t make the problem about you (unless it is about you).

When you are in a relationship and your partner admits that they are unhappy, even if the source of unhappiness is unrelated to you, it can be difficult to separate yourself from their feelings and think it stems from you anyway.

You may try to absorb their unhappiness and fix the situation for them as a result. However, in doing this, as discussed earlier, you risk overstepping your partner’s boundaries, angering them, causing resentment, or making them feel smothered. Furthermore, you risk your own mental health by working to fix someone else and what’s likely beyond your control.

6. That said, don’t let your partner make you the villain (unless you are).

Sometimes, when a partner is going through stress, they may become angry and irritable, taking out their negative feelings on you. They may criticize you, make you feel bad, or get angry with you very quickly.

While you may sympathize with their plight, this kind of behavior is unacceptable because it can lead to other abusive behaviors. Therefore, you need to make it clear from the beginning that you will not tolerate this treatment. In other words, you should enforce your own boundaries. If you are still having trouble …

7. Ask for outside help.

When your partner is going through a hard time, you may feel like you are going through a hard time, too. And your relationship during this time may suffer as a consequence.

We often think of relationships as 50-50. But a true 50-50 dynamic is impossible at every moment, as there will sometimes be a partner who may need more than they are able to give. Your dynamic may mean both of you need an added pair of hands, an empathetic ear, or advice.

If your partner doesn’t appear to be making any progress or lacks the ability to handle their problems, even with you there, you may want to help them seek assistance from a mental health professional. If you need assistance getting them to this point, look to others in your and their network for support.

Final thoughts …

When you are the one supporting your partner, it is important that you engage in self-care. To that end, see your friends and family, engage in your favorite hobbies and pastimes, and spend time away from your partner to clear your head.

Also, if you feel you could benefit from a mental health professional, seek that out as well. Just as you wouldn’t expect your partner to get through a difficult time on their own, neither should you.

When Your Love Loves Sports, And You Don’t

You don’t like sports, but your partner, you’re starting to think, is obsessed. You really want to make your relationship work, but you’re having trouble getting on board with the constant games and their interference in your life. You find sports meaningless and boring. You feel a little silly for making sports such a point of contention in your relationship, but you can’t help how you feel.

Good news. As someone who has counseled couples for more than 30 years, I’m here to tell you that you shouldn’t feel bad. This is a problem that couples everywhere have been facing for years.

While some hobbies can be time-intensive, sports have the bonus factor of having games played at regularly scheduled times, often in the evenings during dinner and on weekends, afternoon and night. When your partner works during the week and devotes much of their weekends to watching sporting events, it may feel frustrating after a while because it appears as if they don’t have or aren’t interested in making time for you.

Not to mention, it’s making it crazy difficult to plan fun things to do with your partner over the weekends, such as day trips, work around the house, or longer excursions if your partner is simply choosing to be glued to the TV right in the middle of the day. That said, there’s hope. You and your partner should still be able to make things work. With a little effort, of course, some flexibility, and a willingness to compromise. Since you can’t control anyone else’s behavior, here are a few tips for how you can improve the situation.

Get your head in the game.

Getting your head in the game means not only tolerating your partner’s love for sports but trying to get into the sport(s) they love more than you are now. You can’t change your partner, and attempting to do so will only drive a wedge between you. Asking your partner to no longer engage in a hobby that they are deeply passionate about is akin to asking your partner to give up an important part of themselves. And belittling them for loving what they love could be deeply upsetting for them, so avoid saying things like, “Sports are stupid.”

Instead, embrace the reality that being a sports fan is part of who your partner is. Just as you have your hobbies, they have theirs. As a healthy partner yourself, the best thing you can do is find ways to be supportive, even of their love of sports. That may mean offering a degree of flexibility to your partner, as there will always be certain games they will want to watch in real-time. For example, a football fan will almost certainly want to watch the Super Bowl live. More broadly than that, and on a more regular basis, your partner may want to watch their favorite team play, which means they will not be available to spend time with you at those times — at least not away from those events. Hear me out.

To show support for your partner and get involved at a level comfortable for you, despite not loving the game itself, you could host weekly viewing parties or barbecues during the sports season, go to your partner’s favorite sports game in-person occasionally as a fun date (everyone still needs their alone time with friends), or to a restaurant/bar that has the game on TV, and even occasionally wear your partner’s favorite sports jersey, even if just around the house, to show support for their team. Your partner may actually find that sexy, depending on how you play it off.

Open up the floor for a discussion about the role sports play in your relationship.

While many sports fans enjoy long, happy relationships with non-sports fans, sports can spell trouble for your relationship if your partner consistently chooses to watch the game over spending time with you. The thing is, your sports fan may not realize how their behavior is affecting you. After all, they’re busy watching sports. Which is why it’s up to you to let them know. In a nice way, naturally.

Open communication is the key to any healthy relationship. Without it, you risk resorting to unhealthy coping mechanisms, like passive-aggressive behavior, which can negatively affect a relationship over time. If you love your partner, you most certainly don’t want that. So speak up now. Then suggest ways you can each compromise.

It may mean your partner watches some games with you, and others on their own or with friends. At the beginning of the sports season(s), you could also go over the game schedule of your partner’s favorite team(s), then plan ahead for your dates and weekend trips, giving your partner the time to figure out how to work their love of sports into a schedule that works for both of you.

You can likewise communicate (nicely) to your partner that watching sports isn’t your jam. As much as your partner doesn’t need to change what they enjoy (or don’t), neither should you. But what it is that you still must be is respectful.

To that end, if you feel yourself mentally checking out every time your partner starts talking about sports with you, let them know that you don’t love talking about sports all the time, but be sure to make more of an effort to be engaged when you do. Then pivot to other topics. If you’re truly compatible as a couple, that compatibility will show up in other areas of your life. And if you realize you can’t find other common ground, well, that’s something you should think about delving into more seriously.

Finally, and just as importantly, if your partner tells you how your ambivalence about sports makes them feel, hear them out. Listening is as important in healthy communication as speaking up is. Then ask yourself: What am I going to do about it?

Compromise for the win.

Strong relationships are all about how well you can each compromise. Just as your partner can’t expect you to become a sports fan overnight or ever, you can’t expect your partner to give up sports forever. Instead, work with your love to find a happy medium for both of you, ensuring that you still have plenty of quality time together on and off the field — so neither one of you winds up playing the field somewhere else.