It’s Your First Trip Together: Who Pays?

The question of who pays when taking a trip with a new partner for the first time is common. It’s not surprising, as many factors can come into play when deciding what feels right to you personally and for the health of your new relationship. If you’re about to embark on this milestone (which raises different financial considerations from dating) and are unsure how best to handle the money, here are a few questions to ask yourself before deciding, not in any specific order.

Who did the inviting?

Even though one person does the inviting, it’s helpful not to rely on that as code for that person offering to pick up the tab, even though it would stand to reason they would. This assumption is no longer necessarily true in today’s dating world.

If you’re at all concerned about expectations, you should leave nothing up to chance. Ask. Just because someone is wealthy or has more money than you do doesn’t mean they will automatically want or expect to pay for everything.

How long have you known each other?

It’s important to consider how long you’ve known each other. Yes, some people take trips with a partner they haven’t known for very long. As long as you’re being safe, meaning you’ve vetted them as best you can, that’s your prerogative.

That being said, though you may be fine investing your time in someone you don’t know well, you also need to consider what financial investment you’re comfortable with. Even a weekend away can be pricey.

To avoid unwanted surprises, consider whether you would feel more comfortable going to Capri with friends, as they’re a known quantity. This means you can pretty much count on your trip not getting ruined, as new relationships that haven’t endured the stressors of traveling together can fall apart fast.

What can each of you afford?

If you’re still up for taking the risk that the trip may not be all you hoped for because of who you’re with, it’s best to really look at the numbers and then add to your budget in case the trip doesn’t go according to plan and you need to part ways while away. Translation: You could end up paying more than you expected.

Should you determine that your budget doesn’t allow for what you’re either proposing or have been invited to, speak up immediately. You don’t know this person for long or well, and they have no allegiance to you or your financial well-being. That’s on you.

Be your own advocate from the beginning, and avoid awkward situations or spending more than you want to or can. Paying for a vacation months after you get home, even if it went great, can tarnish the memories.

Do you see a future with this person?

This question also speaks to investment. If you don’t see a future with this person, be honest with yourself and them about your feelings before going away together. First, a sincere person doesn’t take from someone, whether a meal or a trip, when they have already decided they’re not into that person and don’t see a future. So, if that’s you, and you’re just looking to have a good time, think about contributing.

Second, you always have the option to say you’d like to see where your relationship heads before taking a couples trip. You’re not taking the possibility of traveling together off the table for good, but just for right now. You may feel differently later.

Will you be happy with the arrangement you’re considering?

If, after going through the above analysis with yourself and the person you’re dating, you decide to move forward with the trip and have agreed to a financial arrangement, make sure you’re happy with it. This goes for today and after you get back. There’s nothing like harboring resentment to snuff out a spark.

A better alternative? Treat that spark with care, as you would a campfire you’re trying to light. As you probably know, to get a good fire going, it takes patience, attention, and respect for the forces of nature.

Burgeoning love is one of those forces, leaving it up to you to handle it and those who potentially offer it with respect. The person you’re dating should do the same for you. As you will discover, when you and a partner have the same itinerary, it will become much more likely that you will find yourself on the trip of a lifetime in every way that matters. 

You Are Who You Date: What Your Choices Say About You

You’re probably familiar with the phrase “You are what you eat.” If you are health-conscious, you’ve probably also realized there’s much truth to it. Well, there’s another phrase I like to use that I also find to be true, and that is “You are who you date.”

While you may want to argue with me that this statement is not true since you and your love interests are different people who don’t necessarily have the same goals and aspirations, not to mention that you both have unique life histories, I argue that the people you date speak to who you are and where you are in your life. With this in mind, here’s what your dating choices say about you.

Your dating choices speak to how you feel about your appearance.

When you date someone who is trying to improve the way you look — the way you dress, the way you wear your makeup or hair, the color nail polish you choose, and your weight, among other characteristics — and you stay with them once you realize what they’re doing, it’s time to look in the mirror. But not to verify that what they’re saying is true. No. It’s to tell yourself that you don’t need someone to direct you in your life.

If you were good with how you looked before them and now find yourself questioning your appearance because of what the person you’re dating is saying to you about it, you are not living your life for you. It’s one thing if you want to change certain aspects of your appearance, and another if someone else is telling you that they should so you’ll be more attractive to them.   

Your dating choices speak to how secure you feel in your finances.

Ask any financial expert, and they’ll probably tell you that financial literacy is correlated with financial independence, and financial independence is correlated with financial security and confidence. They’ll probably also tell you this doesn’t mean you must earn or have saved a lot. You may, but it doesn’t have to. Yes, wealthy people can overspend and find themselves in debt, while middle-class people can enjoy peacefulness in their lives, at least where having adequate means to care for themselves and their family is concerned.

Why does understanding these relationships matter? If you’re dating someone who’s a financial mess, who doesn’t pay their bills on time, who has bill collectors calling, who spends without considering whether they have the means to, and doesn’t prioritize saving for the future or a rainy day, their lifestyle will inevitably impact yours.

At a minimum, they will be nervous or stressed about their finances, or you will be nervous or stressed that they’re not. More importantly, they have already signaled to you that they are not a viable partner.

Hook up with them, and they will drag you down into a financial rabbit hole that could negatively affect your bottom line. When you choose to stay with such a person, you are casting a vote for your future that doesn’t speak highly of the one you’re willing to settle for.  

Your dating choices speak to how you feel about your career

When you date someone and they reveal they don’t respect your career path, again, it’s time to reevaluate. If they’re constantly urging you to do something else, step it up a notch, or shift gears in some way because what you do doesn’t make them feel happy or satisfied, you’re effectively letting them take from you.

It’s one thing to ask for guidance and to be on the receiving end of constructive advice that is offered with love, care, and your well-being in mind. It’s another to be on the receiving end of advice given because it would somehow benefit them, whether financially or in how they would look to others.

Stay with this individual, you’re effectively saying that the career you’ve been pouring your heart into doesn’t actually mean that much to you. Is this true?

Your dating choices speak to your ability to take care of your children

If you are a parent, you are dating both for yourself and them. Even if you aren’t looking to get married, being in a long-term relationship with someone means their presence will seep into your relationships with your family, particularly your children.

When a partner is not parent material in your mind, based on how they parent their children or how they behave otherwise, you are making a statement about your ability to protect your family, not to mention yourself. Even if this person has little to no contact with your kids, if they’re not treating their own the right way, if you fundamentally disagree with their parenting choices or life choices, it will cause dissension for you, and maybe arguments with them. Is this what you need to feel secure in your relationship today and the future?

Your dating choices speak to how you feel about your attractiveness level in general

Should you experience some or all of the above with the person you’re dating, deep down, you already know you have no future with them. So, it’s time to ask yourself: Why are they still in your life?

The people you date should like you for you. You are not someone’s pet project. You are not here for someone else to turn you into what you want. That’s not how dating or life, for that matter, should work.

When you stay with someone who makes you feel “less than,” you are making a statement about your level of attractiveness overall, specifically that you’re not attractive as a partner. Without knowing you, I already know that’s not true.

We all have parts of ourselves and parts of our lives that we’d like to improve on. This is a good thing. It means we’re still living and growing as human beings.

You want to find a partner who feels the same positivity about themselves and their lives. The best relationships come about when two people who are strong, independent, and confident in their growth merge their lives so they can continue to be strong independently and even stronger as a couple.

When He’s Moving Too Slow: Is He Not Interested?

So often, the conversation among singles revolves around men moving too fast, meaning asking for sex on or before the first date. Or on the second or the third, way before many women find themselves ready. 

But there’s a flip side to this, which is making women uncomfortable as well: when a guy is moving too slow, as in he hasn’t made his move, even leaning in for a kiss, a couple of months in. The question thus emerges: Is he not interested? Here’s what to consider when answering this question for yourself.   

Have you forgotten what it means to have a man respect you?

When a guy is moving slowly, it can feel like rejection in disguise. But a slow pace doesn’t automatically translate to disinterest. It might mean he’s trying to be cautious or unsure how you feel. 

Ask yourself this: Are you interpreting his patience as a lack of desire because you’re used to being pressured? Some women confuse respect with distance, particularly if they’re used to men pushing physical boundaries early on. 

You can appreciate someone taking their time without jumping to conclusions. And it might be worth exploring whether the discomfort comes from him or an old pattern that makes you question your worth when things aren’t moving faster.

Has he demonstrated through his actions that he’s interested in you romantically?

Is he calling or texting regularly? Does he ask how your day was, and remember little things you’ve said? Does he make plans in advance? These are the signs that someone’s interested, so if the answer is yes, that is a kind of intimacy. Just because it hasn’t turned physical doesn’t mean he doesn’t want it to with you. 

If you’re not getting any of that, it’s worth considering whether his slowness is rooted in a lack of desire or effort. People show interest in different ways, but it’s pretty clear when someone puts energy into building a connection. 

When a man keeps things vague, is only available on his terms, or if every interaction leaves you reading between the lines, you should take it as he’s not interested. Though you don’t need grand, romantic gestures, consistency and care count for a lot. If you’re left guessing rather than feeling chosen, his slow pace might be about his priorities, of which you’re not one.

Have you brought up the subject of sex?

It’s completely fine to talk about sex before you have it. If he hasn’t brought it up and you’re wondering where he stands, you don’t need to wait for him to make the first move. You can open that door.

The way someone reacts to that conversation will tell you a lot. Does he shut down or get awkward? Or is he open and responsive? 

You also don’t have to lead with “Why haven’t you kissed me?” But you can say, “I’ve noticed we haven’t talked about physical stuff yet, and I’m curious how you’re thinking about it.” 

That’s not pressure. It’s communication. If you’re both adults and getting to know each other with the hope of a real relationship, conversations like this should feel normal and not scary. Bottom line: Don’t assume silence means he’s not into it. He might just be waiting for a signal that you’re open to the topic.

Have you discussed exclusivity and commitment around sex?

This is an important factor. Some people don’t like to mix physical intimacy with uncertainty. If he’s taking his time, it could be because he wants to know where things are going before taking that step. Yes, men can think like this, too. It’s a sign of emotional maturity. 

Or he could be dating multiple people and isn’t ready to cross that line with anyone yet. Here’s the thing: You don’t have to guess. Ask. 

You’re allowed to want transparency about what sex means in the context of a relationship. If you’re a person who wants exclusivity before becoming physical, this is an excellent opportunity to say that out loud. See how he responds. 

When a guy shares a similar view or respects yours, that should tell you something about his values. Should he dodge the issue or cause you to feel awkward about bringing it up, that’s also telling. Either way, you get information to move forward without blinders on.

Are you ready to ask him to test for STIs, and you to do the same?

This topic’s talked about less often, but it matters greatly. Before your relationship turns physical, you should feel safe having this conversation. If you’re hesitating to ask him about testing or to offer to do it yourself, ask why. 

Is it because you’re unsure of how he’ll react? Is it too soon, or are you not feeling close enough with him to have this conversation yet? Being ready for sex means being prepared to talk about health and safety, too. You don’t need to make the conversation heavy. You can say, “When the time comes, I’d want us both to get tested. That’s part of how I take care of myself.” If you’re uncomfortable saying that to him, maybe it’s not the right time to be physical. 

Final Thoughts

Sex is one way to deepen your connection, and should not revolve around anyone’s timeline except your own. If you can’t talk about it, don’t do it. If you can, then you’re likely in a healthier spot to determine whether this is someone you want to have sex with for all the reasons that feel right to you.

Can You Turn a Situationship into a Boyfriend?

For those who’ve knowingly entered or somehow gotten into a situationship, the question often arises: Can you turn a situationship into a boyfriend?

While the same can be asked of a man who wants to turn his situationship into a girlfriend, it’s much less common. Usually, that looks like a guy trying to get out of the friend zone with a woman he hasn’t slept with, making man-woman situationships a far different scenario since the woman has invested herself sexually in a relationship without a commitment.

In my experience, it’s very challenging for a woman to change how the man she’s involved with looks at her. Here’s why.  

What he thinks of you is probably already set

People show you who they are early on, and they also show you how they view you. If a man is treating you like someone he’s casually seeing, it’s because that’s how he defines your relationship. He may enjoy your company, like the sex, find texting with you now and then amusing, and say sweet things in the moment. Still, none of it means he sees you as someone he wants a relationship with. Now or ever.

Most of the time, men don’t wake up one day and decide to put you in a different relationship category. That rarely happens unless it’s in the movies or something significant changes for them, like they decide it’s time to find a wife because all of their friends are getting married. Keep in mind, though, it still might not be you.

It’s easy to think that if you just say or do the right thing, a guy you’re casual with will see your value as a relationship partner. Unfortunately, more often than not, he’s already decided who you are to him and won’t be upgrading your role in his life.

If he wanted more, you’d already know

This one may sting because it’s likely true. When a man wants to be with you, it’s obvious. You won’t have to parse his texts or wonder where you stand. You won’t feel like you’re always initiating, waiting around, or walking on eggshells. You won’t feel anxious after seeing him. Instead, you’ll feel calm.

If you’re questioning everything, you already have your answer. It’s not that he’s playing a long game or taking his time. These are the lies women tell themselves to feel better and give themselves false hope. What you’re feeling is merely the low level of connection he’s offering you, and nothing more.

As women, we waste so much time trying to read between the lines when the truth is right in front of us. In general, men say what they mean. Beyond his words, because many men deliberately offer the possibility of a relationship as a dangling carrot, pay attention to how a guy shows up for you.

Once you do, you usually can’t unsee his true intentions. Sure, you can keep hoping he’ll come around. But it will be far more efficient for you to find the relationship you want. All you have to do is admit what your current relationship is predicated on, which is not much, and start choosing yourself.

Hoping he’ll change usually leads to you feeling worse

Hope can be comforting. That being said, it can also be misleading. When you’re hoping someone will change, what you’re doing is waiting. Waiting on potential, that is.

Worse yet, while you’re waiting, you’re putting your needs on the back burner. You’re ignoring the reality of the relationship in lieu of the possibility of something better down the line. The problem is, most of the time, better never comes. If by the off chance it does, it usually comes in a way that won’t look exactly like what you imagined, and not in a good way. What will be left is you feeling disappointed, questioning yourself, or worse, blaming yourself for why the situation(ship) didn’t turn out differently.

Look, it’s not that change is impossible. We’ve all heard a story about a friend of a friend of a friend who started out casual with a guy and flipped the script. Anything can happen. The question is, what are the odds it will?

The way of the world is such that change only happens when the person needing to change their position themselves initiates it, not because you want them to. If you’re constantly managing your expectations, editing your feelings, or pretending you’re fine with less, ask yourself whether this is love or fear of letting them go. More often than not, fear is what’s been driving your decision-making up to now.

His choices say more about where he is in life than anything about you

To elaborate on the last section, it’s easy to internalize someone else’s lack of commitment as something you’re doing wrong. You start wondering if you were prettier, funnier, thinner, had more money, or were more laid-back, would he want to be with you? The answer is that it probably wouldn’t matter because his decision most likely lies in where he is in his own life.

People make choices based on their own timing, values, priorities, and emotional availability. If he’s keeping things casual or avoiding labels, it says a lot more about where he is in his life than it does about your worth. Maybe he’s not looking for anything serious. Maybe he doesn’t know what he wants (Caveat: If he wanted you, you’d know and so would he). Maybe he likes you, but doesn’t want a relationship right now.

Whatever the reason, it’s not your job to fix him or wait for him to fix his head. You can do everything “right”: show up, communicate, look pretty, and still not get this guy. That doesn’t mean you failed. It just means you’re dealing with someone who’s not your guy. Again, the reasons why shouldn’t matter.

Sleeping with him gives him what he wants without asking much from him

When you don’t have a commitment and you’re sleeping with a man, he gets the physical side of you without having to invest emotionally, financially, or be responsible for you or your feelings in any other way. That might anger you, but he’s probably not being manipulative. It’s just how relationships work.

If you’re acting like a girlfriend without being one, he has no reason to change what he has: all the benefits without the accountability. Yes, sex can feel intimate, and with him, it might be. However, in most cases, it still won’t make the relationship more than the sex-based connection it is.

This is especially true if he already knows you want more. Some men will stretch out this gray area for as long as you let them because it’s comfortable for them, and you’re meeting their needs sexually and otherwise. Again, it doesn’t make him a villain. It makes him human.

The thing is, you don’t need to continue supporting this guy in his humanity. Rather, his humanity should signal that it’s time you begin asking yourself what you want and whether this arrangement feels good.

If you’re being honest with yourself, you may find that staying in a relationship where you don’t feel valued is the very reason you’re stuck and what’s preventing you from meeting someone who will call you their girlfriend. And maybe one day their wife.

How Soon Should You Date Someone Fresh Out of a Long-Term Relationship?

You’ve probably met someone who fits this description or seen them post about the recent demise of their long-term relationship and wondered, "Should I date them?" Your first instinct might be to run, writing them off as not ready.  

While that may be true, it doesn’t have to be. It could be worth having a conversation to find out more details about their breakup so you can make an informed decision about whether to engage with them. Here’s what you should listen for when speaking with them.  

How long ago was the breakup? 

When determining whether someone’s “fresh” out of a breakup, one of the questions you should ask is, “How fresh is it actually?”  

If a breakup happened mere days ago, it’s safe to say they are probably not ready, even if the breakup was their idea and they had thought about it for a while. Finality can raise a lot of emotions, good and bad, and either can be distracting to someone dating new people.  

You want to date a person whose head is clear, so they’re in a position to focus on learning about you and, over time, possibly seeing a future with you. If you’re looking for a commitment, someone recently out of a long-term relationship may not want to dole one out so quickly.     

Why did the relationship end? 

It’s important to understand why their long-term relationship ended. Was it incompatibility (a job took one of them far away, for example)? Did they grow apart over time? Or did something happen, such as cheating, to cause the relationship to end?  

Depending on who and what precipitated the breakup, the fallout for the person who didn’t want the relationship to end can be different and require more healing time. If that’s the person you’re dating, are you willing to wait and go through that with them, with no guarantee that they will stay with you once they feel stronger?  

Do they still seem sad about it? 

As mentioned above, if they’re the person who was dumped, it may take them longer to recover. Everyone’s different, so what you should be looking out for is whether they still seem depressed about the breakup or depressed in general, which could be stemming from the breakup.  

If someone is sad that their last relationship ended, they must work through that pain. Often, that requires visiting old memories, rehashing conversations, or even speaking with or meeting up with their ex as they work on distancing themselves from the relationship.  

Is this something you’re going to be comfortable with? Will it make you feel good, wanted, and special? If not, perhaps this person at this time may not be right for you.  

Are they still in contact with their ex? 

Though they may not admit to it, when someone’s in contact with an ex, even as friends, there’s a door open for reconciliation or, at a minimum, slipping into old comforts that could include emotional or physical intimacy. Neither is the mark of an environment hospitable for a new, healthy relationship. If they’re still in contact with their ex, especially if they see them in person and spend time together, that should give you pause and cause you to question whether this is where you need to be.  

Do they talk about their ex a lot? 

Even if someone is practicing no contact to the extreme, i.e., they’re not speaking to or seeing their ex, unless they’re no longer thinking about them either, they’re still in contact with them for all intents and purposes. Again, this is not what you want.  

What you should listen for is them associating everyday activities with their ex or roping them into conversations that have nothing to do with them. For example, if you find them saying this was their ex’s favorite song or ice cream flavor, take what they’re saying for what it is: they are telling you they’re not over their ex.  

Final Thoughts 

Though there are never any guarantees that someone you’re dating will get back with an ex, red flags are red flags and should be heeded. Yes, we all know of someone whose boyfriend or girlfriend had not spoken to their ex in years and never or rarely mentioned them. However, their paths crossed and now they’re together.  

On another note, people can be quite adept at masking their true feelings. There’s nothing you can do about that.  

But staying aware of your surroundings and really listening to the people you date can increase your chances of finding those ready for a relationship and limit your chances of heartbreak. At least heartbreak that results from them returning to an ex they never got over. Think of prospective partners like strawberries: You don’t want to pick one before they’re ready.   

I Just Found My S.O. on the Dating Apps. What Should I Do?

A single friend tips you off. Or you’ve been doing your own snooping incognito on a dating app or in an “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook group. It doesn’t matter. The result is the same: You learn your S.O. is, at a minimum, presenting himself to others as single and available.  

Has he cheated? Depends on who you ask or what you want to believe. Cheating or micro-cheating, you can no longer trust this person. The only question that remains is what you should do next. Here are your options.     

Ask them directly and see what they say 

Sometimes the best answer is the most obvious. In this situation, that is to ask them: “I understand that you are on a dating app. Why?”  

Be prepared that, especially if they are an expert gaslighter, their first instinct will be to turn the tables on you and ask how you knew instead of offering an explanation. Have your answer ready and do your best not to let them derail the conversation.  

Pay attention to their answer and how you want to proceed from there. Caveat: They may get creative: they were looking for their ex, they were curious, one of their buddies dared them. Whatever it is, it shouldn’t matter. If they are in a relationship with you, they shouldn’t be on a dating app. End of story.  

That said, what you want to do about your relationship is a different story. There isn’t only one option, and deciding which option to take may require some research on your part. Of course, you can always end things based on the fact that they are on a dating site. But if you don’t want to, … 

Do a little more digging before you decide 

Yes, get all your facts straight so you can make a decision you’re comfortable with. No, gathering information isn’t about them; it’s about you.  

The purpose of your fact-finding is not to have an inquisition (unless you want to). It’s to know that whatever you decide, you have all your facts at hand and you’re making a decision you can live with, which may include working on your relationship and delving into why they wanted to be on a dating app at all.  

Take a break to think without their input 

There’s a lot to consider, and you don’t need to make a split-second decision about how you want to proceed with your significant other after learning they are on a dating app. Likely, you’re in shock. The better option is to take a break so you can collect yourself and gather any additional evidence you want. 

This period should be free of input from your partner. They should be out of your space, and you should be out of theirs. This means headspace, too. Take a few days away from them, or if you are living under the same roof and are not in a position to leave, make the topic off limits until you’re ready.  

But don’t take too long. You don’t want to live in a pressure cooker or state of limbo, either.  

Set a boundary and watch what happens next 

Once you make a decision about the future of your relationship, set boundaries around it. Whether you stay or go, there needs to be rules.  

For example, if you decide to continue on in the relationship, your partner needs to be off all dating apps and, obviously, not dating. They need to be completely committed to you, not committing acts of micro-cheating that make you uncomfortable. The burden should be on them to make you want to stay.  

Keep in mind though, staying isn’t your excuse to punish them, whether by fighting nonstop about it or leveling the field by going on a dating app as well. If you feel inclined to engage in such unproductive behavior or they do, it’s probably a sign to consider another option: leaving.  

Walk away and don’t look back 

When you are in a relationship and your partner disrespects you, you don’t have to stay. How much you love them or how much time you have in shouldn’t matter, although it’s natural to consider those factors when evaluating your life together. What’s not natural is being with a person who continues to do things that make you feel bad or question your value. Not acceptable.  

The great thing about dating is that it offers possibilities and hope for the future, both of which mean your current partner doesn’t have to be the only person in the world for you. This is especially true if they’ve already been looking around for someone else they could potentially be with. A real partner will only have eyes for you.  

Signs a Man Wants a Mother, Not a Wife

Who a woman chooses as her partner affects every aspect of her life. Studies have repeatedly shown that women bear the brunt of the invisible labor performed in male-female households. Why? Because the partners they’ve chosen haven’t risen to the occasion. Not because they can’t, however. But because they prefer not to.  

They like it the way it is, which is to let their female counterpart take care of them and everything else. This woman works outside the home, just like her husband or partner does, only to return at the end of the day to the burden of all the cooking, cleaning, child care, planning, budgeting, grocery shopping, errands, and more. Even if she is a stay-at-home parent while he works outside the home, once he walks in the door, his day is over, while hers continues until bedtime, when she will be on duty should any of the children wake up. 

How did this woman end up with such a man? Probably because she didn’t see the signs, or if she did, it didn’t register what they would look like as time went on. Such behavior isn’t reserved for new partners or spouses, either. If a man has lived this existence with a previous partner, spouse, or spouses, chances are, he’s still looking for a mother, not a wife. Here’s how to tell.       

He expects you to manage his life and make all decisions.  

He has made you (and you have unwittingly agreed) his alarm clock, calendar, and personal assistant. You not only remind him of his dentist appointments but also schedule them.  

He leaves his clothes on the floor for you to pick up, or if he’s well-behaved, he’ll leave them in the hamper for you, expecting you to wash them. And you do. You make dinner reservations and plan trips. You run his errands. You do anything and everything so he doesn’t have to.  

Not only that, you are the lead decision-maker in your household because (a) he’s incapable of making a decision, or (b) doesn’t want to, so if the decision turns out to be a bad one, he won’t be to blame. You’re in charge. At least, he’s led you to think you are.  

He doesn’t contribute unless you ask him to.  

It’s not like this 100% of the time. No, not at all, because if you ask him to do something, he’ll pitch in or do what you’ve asked. But he won’t be happy about it, which he’ll surely let you know.  

You see, when you ask, you’re nagging. This isn’t his responsibility, his job. Yes, he’s doing you a favor.  

Yes, you should be grateful. Yes, you’re resentful he didn’t do it on his own, that you had to ask, and now he’s giving you an attitude about it. So what do you do? You stop asking because it’s not worth the trouble.  

He expects praise for basic tasks (or nothing at all). 

He’s done some task, something not even that great, like taking out the trash or picking up an item at the grocery store you need for a dinner you’re making for him. But he now expects your praise. A simple thank you will not suffice: “Are you happy? Will this shut you up?”  

“Thank you,” you mutter under your breath, promising yourself you won’t ask for anything because this is too much, this repulsive behavior from him that you must deal with regularly. Is he your partner or a petulant child, not even your own?     

He avoids emotional responsibility.  

He’s in a bad mood now. You put him in it by asking him to help, or because something at work is distressing him, which you weren’t sensitive to, and now you’ve made it worse. He lashes out. Yells at you, looks at you with disdain.  

Later, he apologizes for his outburst. His bad mood. Taking it out on you. You say you forgive him, but deep down, you don’t. How could you when these episodes are a part of your regular dynamic? He disgusts you and wonders why you’re not affectionate toward him and why you don’t tell him how good-looking he is.  

Easy. Because he isn’t to you.  

He skirts boundaries and doesn’t want to take accountability.  

He walks a fine line, this guy. He thinks he’s invincible and untouchable because he’s managed to pick and choose people to surround himself with who don’t know the real him but who find him helpful, charismatic, amusing, and kind-hearted and tell him so, feeding his ego. This is not the person you’ve come to experience in private.  

But how he acts in private is because of you, not him. You’ve made him behave this way toward you due to your poor attitude, physical and mental exhaustion, and inability to laugh at his jokes, which are often subtle digs at you.  

You have no sense of humor. You’re overbearing, and those instances of micro-cheating you’ve pointed out? It and you are a joke, like other women, since micro-cheating is a construct devised by women.  

He’s more comfortable being cared about than caring for others.   

What do all of these signs point to? That he’s more comfortable being cared about than caring for others, especially you, though no one who’s not in his inner circle will see this, and maybe not even them. Given the picture he’s taken great lengths to paint, they will see the opposite. Point this out to him, that he treats you differently from everyone else, his only concern will be that you will eventually tell someone, and that they will believe you.  

So he goes full throttle on what he’s been doing all along, more so if you finally walk away, which is laying the groundwork behind your back that you are different from how you appear, and once again, he’s a victim. Good thing his real mommy will jump in to comfort him, reassuring him what a good boy, ahem man, he is, giving him the confidence he needs to do this all over again with some other unsuspecting woman.  

Know the signs, and let that not be (or continue to be) you.   

Revenge Porn: When Intimacy Becomes Exploitation

When you’re in a relationship, sometimes you do things you would never have expected yourself to do. This includes sharing sexually explicit pictures of yourself with a partner.  

You take comfort in the idea that this exchange is something you are doing together, for one another’s eyes only. Or, you reluctantly agree at your partner’s urging to take said photos, despite being uncomfortable, since “this is what couples do,” and no one but the two of you will see them.  

Unfortunately, not everyone stands by their word. Relationships can sour, rendering these pictures valuable for someone intent on seeking revenge or blackmailing you.  

Even if your relationship hasn’t ended, your partner can turn out to be someone far different from the person you thought they were and violate your trust. After a breakup or a fight, or because they have no integrity, they could share images of you without your knowledge with others or post them on social media with the intent of strongarming you into doing something you don’t want to do.  

Regardless of the circumstances, you discover what they’ve done or intend to do and panic. What should you do next?   

Gather as much information as you can 

The first thing you’ll want to do, especially if the lines of communication between you and your partner/former partner are still open, is to find out what exactly they shared or posted and with whom. Sometimes the best answer is the most obvious one, meaning they might just tell you, either to rub your face in it, because they’re remorseful, or they’re now scared about what they’ve done.  

Stay calm no matter what they say, and gather your facts, including the names and contact information for witnesses, as in the people who may have first alerted you that your partner shared your images. Document everything in a place where your partner doesn’t have shared access. 

Contact the police and a lawyer  

Contact the police to report the incident. How revenge porn will be addressed criminially is left to the states, with most states having laws on the books mentioning it. There is a commonality: In every state, it is illegal to share sexual images or video of someone under the age of 18. However, presently, no federal laws exist that address revenge porn. 

Next, speak with an attorney who has experience with revenge porn cases. Depending on your case's jurisdiction and unique facts, you may have a criminal or civil case you can pursue. 

Report the images if you can  

This is a tricky one, since the Communications Decency Act of 1996, which regulates internet porn, states that websites and internet providers aren’t legally responsible for what their users post on their sites. Unless the images break copyright or federal criminal laws, they are not obligated to take the pictures down.  

Some platforms may remove the photos if they determine that publishing them has violated their user guidelines. It doesn’t hurt to ask; it may be your most straightforward path.   

Hire an expert to remove the images 

There are people for hire who specialize in removing unwanted images from the internet, known as takedown or reputation repair services. While this can be effective, it isn’t easy, nor will it necessarily be 100% effective.  

You can also request that the person you were involved with, who originally posted the image or images, remove what of them they can. Though this can help your objectives, it likely won’t be fully effective since the internet has a far reach and a long memory.  

Call on a mental health professional for support  

Knowing that intimate images of you are in the hands of those who don’t have your best interests at heart can be distressing, to say the least. And that’s if you’re lucky not to suffer further repercussions, such as job loss or having it complicate your ongoing divorce.  

The mental effect, including being violated by someone you trusted, can be reason enough to call in a mental health professional. Don’t wait. You deserve to feel supported.  

Think twice about sharing sensitive images 

Whether you’ve shared compromising images with a partner before and would do it again, or have thought about doing it for the first time if the opportunity presented itself, consider how you would feel if the rest of the world were privy to what you shared. 

Not sure? Here’s the litmus test: “How would I feel if …” Then complete the sentence with … “if my boss, mother, sister, child, or anyone I didn’t know saw them,” and act accordingly.  

Though you can do damage control afterward, being your own advocate is much easier. Someone who protects their peace as if the quality of their life depends on it. Because it does.  

For informational purposes only. This article does not constitute legal advice. 

Bill Belichick’s Relationship Sparks Debate: Would You Consider a May-December Romance?

Bill Belichick, 73, the former general manager of the New England Patriots, has been turning heads in recent days for his relationship with the former Bridgewater State University cheerleader, Jordan Hudson, 24, as more new details emerge about their relationship. This includes a sizeable real estate portfolio in Hudson’s name.

Though the story of the hour, May-December romances, romantic relationships between a younger (May) and older (December) person, are nothing new. Cher, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Robert De Niro have all been in relationships with much younger partners. But do they work?  

Though there’s the argument that the heart wants what the heart wants, like any relationship, a May-December romance won’t always be sunshine and roses. Far from it. May-December relationships can present unique challenges due to the significant age gap involved — challenges you should be prepared for should you decide to pursue this option. They follow.  

You are at different life stages. 

It doesn’t have to be as pronounced as the age gap between Belichick and Hudson to have an impact; if you and your partner are at different stages of life and have different goals around career and family, it can present issues in your relationship.  

Consider the following: One of you is recently divorced after being a stay-at-home parent and is trying to restart your career at midlife, not just for the money but because you are excited about the prospect of it. Your partner, however, has worked for decades and sees retirement on the horizon, presenting a chance to exit the rat race and travel more often. Or you are the parent of two adult children, while your partner is looking to start a family.  

In either scenario, a compromise may be necessary. But ask yourself: Do you want to be the reason why your partner has denied themselves something this important, or the person doing the compromising? Will either of you come to regret it later? These are the types of questions, among others, that you’ll need to answer before going further together.   

You and your partner will miss cultural references due to generational gaps.  

Perhaps not as significant as changing your life plans based on the stage of life you’re at, but lack of knowledge about music, slang, tech, and societal norms, such as views on relationship status, can, at a minimum, make for some awkward moments. Over time, it can lead to a divide.  

Part of being in a relationship is not only having things to talk about but also relating. A knowing glance or a chuckle can be one of the ties that bind two people. When you constantly have to explain something, no matter how kind the tone is used and how well-intentioned it is, it can cause feelings of loneliness and isolation. This is especially pronounced when each partner’s friends in group settings miss the same references.  

Family, friends, and onlookers may judge.   

Even if you’re not a celebrity or notable figure, friends, family, or the onlooker at the grocery store may criticize, question, or offer a look of disapproval about your relationship. Whether it’s to doubt the legitimacy of the love you share or either of your motives for being in the relationship, hearing the commentary from others can sting. Live in the public eye, the chatter can become exponentially louder. 

There can be an inherent power imbalance due to age and experience.   

Differences in financial status, life experience, or confidence can create subtle or overt questions of control, specifically about who’s running the show. Go back to Belichick and Hudson, for a moment: Hudson is coming under fire for reportedly interrupting a recent interview to dictate which questions they would and would not answer, leading to speculation about why.  

Whatever the case may be for this happy couple, age doesn’t necessarily imply that the older person is in control. This is especially true when cognitive function comes into question, as it did in the dynamic between the late model Anna Nicole Smith and her much older spouse.   

Long-term planning can be complicated.  

Though no one likes thinking about how much time they have left, and there’s no guarantee as to how long someone will live, life expectancy is what it is. It’s no secret that as we grow older, health challenges, including mobility, become more of a concern. So does cognitive decline.  

In light of the above factors, conversations around conceiving and raising children can become complicated. So may discussions about maintaining independence, including whether a younger person fully understands what they might be signing on for in terms of long-term care when choosing to date someone much older. 

Final thoughts …

In the end, May-December relationships can bring warmth and wisdom, but they can also cast long shadows if the mismatches that are present aren’t addressed. Like the seasons they’re named for, these pairings can be calm — or they can be stormy when expectations don’t align. If you're considering one, go in with eyes open and both feet firmly planted in the reality that although we are not eternal, the love we share is.  

When Your Partner Can't Let Go of Their Ex — Now What?

You’ve been together a while now. You meet up a few times a week, go out on real dates regularly, are on each other’s social media full throttle, and have relationships with one another’s friends and family. Everything appears to be going along well, at least to onlookers. But you have a secret, or rather, your partner does. You’ve discovered that without your knowledge, they’ve been communicating regularly with their ex the entire time you’ve been together, indicating your partner can’t let go of their past. 

A situation far too common, those blindsided by such behavior are often too close to the problem and, therefore, unclear on what to do next about their discovery. As a matchmaker supporting singles for over three decades, I have a clear path to help those going through this, perhaps you, so that you can make informed decisions about your future. The steps on that path are as follows.  

Get your facts straight.  

Yeah, it’s easy to give it an “iykyk” and go ballistic on your partner. But all that will do is cause them to react by either shutting down or gaslighting you to protect the guilty. Either way, you won’t get the information you need. Worse is that if you’re wrong, and you could be if you have suspicions but haven’t yet been able to nail down the facts, you may blow up your relationship over nothing due to your own insecurities. You wouldn’t be the first.  

Instead, gather as much information as possible so that it will be more difficult for your partner to explain it away when you confront them. Here’s the goal: You want them to offer you one good reason why you got it all wrong. Though possible, these storylines are usually the stuff of movies.  

Confront your partner about your suspicions calmly.  

Though you will be asking the questions, you must also listen and evaluate your partner’s responses carefully. This includes what they say and do during the conversation and then in the following minutes, hours, and days. Your blood may be boiling inside of you, but it’s still not an excuse to lose your cool. Good investigators never do, and you, dear Reader, are on a fact-finding mission. 

Confide in others about your situation.  

If you suspect your partner has wronged you, your first instinct will probably be to reach out to those who love and care about you for advice and support. While this is natural and smart, you need to take the support you get from where it’s coming from, meaning that you need to account for the likelihood that it may not be neutral. After all, the people who love you will likely also be angry. This, too, is natural, so don’t fault them for it. 

You can, however, supplement the guidance you receive from friends and family by connecting with others you trust not to share your information and who may have experience with what you’re going through. This can be a support group (online or in person), a mental health professional, or a relationship expert. Varying perspectives plus adequate fact-finding can direct your decisions further toward ones you will feel good about.   

Assert your independence.  

After being with the same partner for a long time, you may have, like many people, put some of your interests or self-care rituals on the back burner. The thing is, when you’re feeling your most vulnerable, it's a strategic time to begin re-focusing your attention on yourself. This is true regardless of what happens between you and your partner moving forward.  

Like everything else described above, rediscovering what makes you you will help get you back to your core values and, along with that, help you decide what kind of future fits the person you are and what you believe in. This includes who you want to be a part of that future.   

Put some distance between you and your partner. 

This can mean different things to different people. It can mean ending the conversation, leaving the room, or going out of town for a few days to think. Yes, you will need adequate time to process what has happened and what your partner has said about it. You can’t do this the way you’ll need to with them breathing down your neck every minute of the day.  

When you make decisions you’ve thought through, you’re more likely to be comfortable with them and, as a result, less likely to change your mind afterward or live with regret, which is no way to live. Remember, your highest good lies in creating a happy, stable future for yourself, leaving only one question: Does this person offer you what you need to do that? 

When Men Receive an Unsolicited Sexy Pic from a Woman: What Not to Do or Say

There’s a great deal of talk about what to do as a woman when you receive an unsolicited $%@! pic from a guy. Should you tell him to stop? Block him? Send him one back? But what happens if you’re a guy who receives an unsolicited sexy pic from a woman? What then? 

If you’re a man, you may be thinking, is there actually a guy in the universe who wouldn’t want an unsolicited sexy pic from a woman or who wouldn’t know what to do or say after receiving one? Well, the answer is yes and yes. Unsolicited is just that — no one asked for it, and therefore, it can catch the unsuspecting man off guard. Maybe even you. 

That said, there are ways to handle it and ways not to. If, of course, you’re a guy who wants to protect everyone’s feelings in the situation, including your own. Here are a few suggestions for how.  

Don’t get angry. 

No, it wasn’t what you were expecting to see when you opened your text messages while drinking your morning coffee, but alas, there it is anyway. You thought your relationship ran deeper than what this pic suggests, that you were building something real. The thing is, you still might be, and her sexy pic is only a reflection that she feels safe with you. If you aren’t sure what the pics mean for her or for you, regardless of what you might be thinking … 

Be kind.     

You may not like what you see on numerous levels, including what she looks like with less clothing on than you’ve seen her wearing so far, but it’s still not an excuse to be mean. Respond with something complimentary or, if you don’t have it in you, something more vague but still not negative like, “Well, well, well, what do we have here?” and let her lead the conversation from there. Then … 

Have a talk the next time you’re together.  

If you’re uncomfortable with the gesture or are unsure what it means for your relationship, talk about it. But don’t do so over text. Conversations about sensitive matters are best had in person, where you can read each other’s body language, and no one can easily end the conversation by simply leaving you on read.  

It’s much easier to get a feel for what someone’s intentions are and to get your own point across about what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not when you’re sitting face to face. For a new relationship, this is especially important since you don’t know each other well.  

Send a sexy pic back.  

If you receive an unsolicited sexy pic from a woman that caught you by surprise, but you are most definitely into it and feel comfortable enough, reciprocate. But do try and match her level of “sexiness.” You don’t want to take a flirtation, depending on what she’s sent, and turn it into amateur porn. In other words, don’t up the ante. She’s made the decision to lead in this area, so let her.  

Keep in mind, though, that whenever you put something in writing, including sending a photo, you run the risk that it won’t just be for her eyes only, today or one day in the future. Though she might not, you should plan on doing the gentlemanly thing and … 

Not share any photos you receive.  

If a woman sends you a sexy pic, she’s placing a certain level of trust in you, even if it hasn’t yet been earned. Hopefully, however, you don’t prove to her that it’s also undeserved. 

Always go under the assumption that whatever you receive from a woman is for you exclusively. It’s a risk for her, for sure, and not necessarily a justifiable one. But do as you would want done to your mother, sister, daughter, and favorite aunt, and keep the image to yourself. 

Then, during that discussion mentioned above, provide reassurance that you expect your exchanges to remain confidential unless you otherwise agree. Relationships are built on trust, including where sexy pics are concerned.  

Should your relationship not work out, don’t share the photos, either. This holds true no matter how you feel about this person after a breakup. Revenge porn is a crime in many states with varying degrees of punishment. If you think a breakup is painful and has gone on too long, go involve yourself in a lawsuit, and see how you’ll be craving those early days of despair.  

Final Thoughts 

People have different views on sexy pics, and in many instances, they can be a positive way to express attraction and affection in a relationship. But before that can happen, you want to make sure that you and the person you’re dating feel the same way about them.  

Open communication, as it always is, is the most efficient way to find out. So ask the questions and listen for the answers, and if it’s a go for you both, the next time you receive a text notification, or she does, know that your hearts may skip a beat — with excitement instead of dread.  

Is it a Red Flag When Someone Has No Social Media Footprint?

These days, it can feel weird to encounter someone without a social media profile — none, nada, zilch. But it's bound to happen if you’ve been dating long enough.  

You’d be right for it to make you wonder whether this person is for real and whether you should avoid them. However, that isn’t necessary. Yet, that is. Not before you ask them the following questions.  

Is there a reason why you’re not on social media? 

Age can affect a person’s answer. They may not be comfortable with it if they’re “older” and didn’t grow up around social media. Not everyone is tech-savvy. 

If the person is of the age where you’d expect them to have a social media profile, wait for a reason that would justify them not having one, other than they don’t like it, which, mind you, is still a valid reason.  

Have you ever had a social media profile? 

Sometimes, people are on social media but decide to go off it. This isn’t uncommon, even if it’s temporary. The critical piece of information you want to learn from them is why. 

Are they going through a divorce, and their lawyer told them to stay off social media? Have they had a bad experience with social media in the past? Is someone monitoring them and their behavior, like an ex, so they decided to go off to protect their privacy? 

Your job is to listen — with your ears and your gut.    

Have I researched enough to know that they’re not on social media? 

This question is not for them; it’s for you. That’s because nothing’s more important than protecting yourself, physically and emotionally.  

Though an effective way to meet potential matches, online dating sites are also replete with those looking for extracurricular activities away from their partner or spouse. Lacking a social media profile or saying you aren’t on social media is one way cheaters can keep two (or more) worlds from colliding. 

Because you don’t want to be involved in a “collision,” it’s best to do some digging yourself first. This is true whether you’re skeptical that what they’re saying is true or you’re downright suspicious of them. You owe it to yourself to be thorough.   

A few strategic Google searches can give you all the information you need. That being said, if Google searches don’t turn up anything, there are services online you can pay for that can access what you can’t. It can be a small price to pay to protect yourself.  

Is there a way I can verify who you say you are and that you’re single? 

If you come up dry after you’re own investigation, but you’re not ready to send them packing and, instead, would like to date them, ask them if there’s a way they could verify who they say they are and that they’re single.  

You will be able to glean a lot from their answer alone. If they react poorly, saying you should trust them, it’s a signal to part ways. Not because they’re necessarily lying (they may not be), but because they’re unwilling to do the bare minimum to make you comfortable.  

If they are happy to offer you a way to verify them, proceed cautiously. Unfortunately, it’s very easy for someone to find a friend to “vouch” for them or create the image of someone who’s single but is not. Again, you must listen with your ears and gut, preferably your gut.  

Do I have enough intel to make an informed decision? 

Once you’ve gone through the questions above, ask yourself if you have enough intel to decide whether to move forward with this person for a date or move on from them. If you don’t feel you have enough information and aren’t comfortable, you should move on. Your health and well-being must always remain paramount, no matter how desirable someone is to you at the moment.  

If you have enough positive information in your pocket to set up a date, remain cautious at all times, regardless. Remember, though, that while it’s OK to be on the lookout for red flags, you don’t want to walk around so distrustful that you’re paralyzed with fear. Trust is built in small moments over time, so take your time getting to know someone.  

Final Thoughts 

There are no guarantees in dating — not that someone is telling the truth now or will continue to do so if they are. But without some risk, there can be no reward, at least when it comes to love. The point is to calculate those risks first. You’re worth it. And the right person will treat you as you are.  

Does Your Partner Need to Be Your Best Friend for Your Relationship to Work?

There’s this theory about relationships that many people point to when they talk about what’s not working in their romantic partnership or marriage. It’s a theory that troubles me because I think it’s often misinterpreted to the detriment of people’s relationships. It goes something like this: Your partner or spouse should be your best friend for your relationship to operate at its highest level.  

Anyone who knows me knows that one of my favorite movies is the 1988 movie “Beaches.” If you haven’t seen it, I strongly suggest you do since, at its core, it’s about friendships and how they fit into people’s lives when they’re dating someone they like and then when they’re married.  

Here’s a quick synopsis: C.C. Bloom (Bette Midler), a rising Broadway star, and a socialite turned activist-lawyer, Hillary Whitney (Barbara Hershey), strike up an unlikely friendship on a New Jersey beach one summer when the girls are adolescents. This friendship carries them through the ups and downs of their adult lives, including their careers, relationships, marriages, and eventually, parenthood.  

Without giving too much away, one of the striking themes of this film is how each woman handles their friendship when a man, whether a dating interest or a husband, enters their life. Who should stay for the long haul? These women spend nearly a lifetime wrestling with this question until circumstances finally give them their answer.  

Spoiler: Friendships — and not just any old friendship — but having a best friend outside your romantic relationship not only matters but can also bring that romantic relationship to its highest good. In other words, your partner or spouse doesn’t have to be your best friend for your relationship to be loving and fulfilling. Someone else can hold a significant presence in your life, too. Here’s why, with a few caveats.  

An adult friendship other than the one you share with your partner or spouse enriches your life.  

There’s something about having someone around who knows you well, gets you, and understands your quirks, especially if they’ve been in your life for a long time. No matter how much you love your partner or spouse, how much they love you, and how long you’ve been in each other’s lives, you can’t replicate history. You may also share particular interests with them that your partner or spouse doesn’t enjoy. 

This friend of yours will tell you the truth when you are unable or unwilling to tell it to yourself. The friend should also be someone you can trust with your words and the person you’re interested in, meaning your friend shouldn’t do anything to get in the way of your romantic relationship. Finally, your best friend should do their best to co-exist with your partner and spouse, not interfere because they harbor jealousy about having to share your attention and affection with someone else.  

Best friends see you differently from someone who loves you romantically and will talk to you differently because they can.  

There are certain “truths” you can hear from a best friend that, if they came from your partner or spouse, could be misconstrued, hurt you, or become grounds for their dismissal from your life. You may think you can say anything to your spouse and that they can say anything to you, but words, especially if they come out wrong, can do irreparable damage to a partnership or marriage. 

That’s not to say a best friend can’t hurt you; they definitely can. But your dynamic is different from the one you have with your partner and spouse, and you likely have been through this before and worked through it if you’re truly best friends.

Strong romantic relationships and marriages can withstand a lot. However, they have a vulnerability about them that is unique due to the intimacy you and your partner share. The existence of a best friend can serve as a protector of that fragility.    

Love has no limits.  

When a romantic relationship or marriage is strong, loving, and characterized by mutual respect, it’s usually based on trust and a desire to see one another live their most fulfilling life. Your partner or spouse’s love for you is boundless, as is your love for them, so you both know that nothing else in your life, not even another human being you call your best friend, can diminish what you share. Love, as you both see it, has no limits, so there’s room for others in your lives. Your best friend should know this, too. 

A Caveat About Having a Best Friend 

Having more than one person close to you can, from time to time, leave someone feeling left out, whether your partner or spouse or your best friend. This is natural. After all, we are people, and our feelings are complex. It’s important to be aware of this possibility and to address it with the individual feeling that way. Listen more than talk, and try to get to the root of why.  

Final Thoughts 

While you may be doing your best to protect both relationships, consider that the one feeling ignored may be justified in feeling this way due to a factor you weren’t aware of before. Having a partner or spouse and a best friend may sometimes require extra attention from you, and that’s OK. These are people who love you, but who you also love and want to see happy. Just make sure it’s not at the other person’s expense. Or yours.  

The Sniff Test: How to Tell Someone They’re Not Making the Grade With Their Hygiene

You get along well. The person you’re dating is friendly, conversational, fun, kind, and generous with their time and wallet. But there’s one thing that’s bothering you, and it’s a sensitive subject — they’re not always on top of their hygiene.  

From bad breath to body odor, poor hygiene can become a problem for anyone who gets an unexpected whiff. It can also be a problem for the person who eventually gets dumped because of it, especially if they never knew why and then face the same issue with the next person they date or begin to date more seriously, and the one after that.  

While it can be uncomfortable to tell someone they smell ripe, and the person you’re telling may be embarrassed to hear this from you, there are ways to go about it without being a total a**hole. Here are a few suggestions.  

Don’t address poor hygiene on the first date.  

Telling someone they have bad breath or smell isn’t a first-date conversation. Why? Because if you’re not interested in them anyway, you don’t need to be the one doling out PSAs to someone you don’t know because you never know how someone will react. Beyond keeping yourself safe, do you need to hurt a stranger’s feelings?  

Dating makes people feel vulnerable enough without adding to it a comment you think will be constructive but will likely be construed as unfavorable. Leave that for someone more invested in them or who wants to invest in them. If it’s just lousy breath you’re dealing with on a first date, offer a mint while taking one for yourself. Hopefully, they take the mint — and the hint.  

Make some subtle suggestions for them to address their hygiene.  

If you’re dating someone and notice a pattern has emerged, whether with bad breath or B.O., offer suggestions so that they can (a) correct the situation without them knowing it’s a problem for you and (b) if they realize it is a problem for you, still allow them to save face without feeling more embarrassed than they need to.  

For bad breath, beyond offering a mint, find out when they last visited the dentist. Poor dental health can lead to other more serious health issues. Not to mention, certain bacteria can be transferred to you during a simple act such as kissing. If they haven’t had a cleaning in the past six months, suggest they go. 

If it’s B.O. you’re concerned about, see if you can find out from them subtly what’s causing it. Are they meeting you straight from the gym without a shower because they think they don’t sweat? When do they usually shower, morning or night? Are they showering before your dates? Are they eating certain foods that could cause an odor or taking medication that could do the same? The latter reasons would explain a lot but prove more challenging problems to solve than with just a shower.  

If it’s a superficial issue, i.e., not a medical one, depending on how intimate you’ve gotten and how much of a problem their hygiene is becoming, suggest a shower beforehand or perhaps together. If they’re resistant to changing their habits and it continues … 

Gently address their poor hygiene directly. 

If you’ve been dating someone for a bit, and you notice their oral or body hygiene is getting in the way of your blossoming relationship, it’s time for a discussion. But prepare yourself: Their reaction may not be a simple “thank you for letting me know,” no matter how nicely you go about it. 

Telling someone how their breath or body smells can be quite a personal affront, so expect the possibility of a reaction, from them feeling hurt to getting angry. That being said, if you want to continue with them, and this is the only thing getting in the way of that, you don’t have much choice in speaking to them. 

Prepare to move on if they don’t want to address the issue.  

You’ve done your part by coming clean with them, but it's time to move forward if they won’t come clean to your dates. Attraction in a relationship is a must, and if someone is repelling you due to their odor, you will probably, at some point, be repelled entirely by them.  

Final Thoughts 

This is part of dating — finding out where you’re compatible and where you’re not. How someone treats themselves can also indicate how they will eventually treat you, which, if they’re not taking care of their mouth or body, is with neglect.  

If you’ve handled the conversation with kindness and respect, and they’re still unwilling to make an effort, it’s OK to let them go. Not every person will be your person, no matter how good or bad they smell.  

Need a Wedding Plus-One? How to Ask Without Scaring Him Off

Weddings are beautiful occasions to celebrate love. They’re also expensive and stressful, even if you’re not part of the wedding party, which can be a separate ordeal. From travel to hotel stays, clothing, giving a gift, and other incidentals, it can break the bank. And that’s without considering who you will bring as a plus-one. 

This last wedding detail can raise questions about a relationship, particularly a new-ish one, that the man you’re seeing might not be prepared to answer. From what being a plus-one entails to what attending together means for you as a couple, it’s not surprising that many men feel wedding jitters about merely the prospect of attending someone else’s wedding as a plus-one. If you are thinking about inviting your guy as your wedding date, consider the following tips on how to ask without scaring him off.   

Do your best to understand the pressure of the situation. 

Before approaching the guy you’ve been dating to see if he would want to be your plus-one at a wedding, it’s helpful first to put yourself in his shoes to understand better how such an invitation may cause him to feel and what his concerns might involve. As mentioned above, weddings tend to involve a lot of logistics, which can translate to money.  

Speaking only about logistics for a moment, if you haven’t traveled with this person, you probably have little idea about how they will function under pressure. Make no mistake: traveling can be pressure-filled, especially when things don’t go according to plan. So, before you ask him, ask yourself: Are you ready to put your relationship and him in such a pressure cooker? Then, anticipate whether you think he is prepared based on how long you’ve been together and your current dynamic.   

Be prepared to discuss the money as well. Don’t assume that if he goes, he’s obligated to pick up your tab and his. Work out the details about who pays for what before the trip to ensure you’re each comfortable with the arrangement. 

Assess his interest before you ask. 

It’s important to assess whether the man in your life is game for a wedding before asking. Though you won’t know for sure until you ask and he answers, there are signs you can look for indicating he might be open to joining you.  

The first is that he talks about the future in a way that’s appropriate for the stage you are in your relationship. This should not include future faking from a man you hardly know because you suspect he’s got some ulterior motive for doing so, such as having sex. The second is that he’s expressed an interest in meeting your friends and/or your family if he hasn’t already. The third is that he has proved thus far that he’s reliable and respectful of you, meaning you’re not worried he will ghost you at any moment or that he will react poorly if you ask him for something. 

If you decide, based on your assessment of your relationship, that your guy might be interested in attending a wedding with you, you must now figure out the best time to raise the subject. Timing, as they say, is everything.      

Find the right moment to ask. 

Like any other conversation you would have about something meaningful to you, you want to do it when you’re both in a good mood and not preoccupied. You also probably want to speak when you’re alone just because you don’t know how he will answer or how being in front of others might affect how he answers. Even better is if you are discussing a mildly related topic that allows you to segue into talking about the wedding and the possibility of him being your date. 

Frame the request in a way that won’t scare him off.  

When you ask if he’d like to be your date at a future wedding, be both lighthearted and respectful. Most importantly, you want to ask without expectation. If he senses you are judging him by his answer, he might (a) take offense or (b) do something he isn’t comfortable with and eventually resent you.  

Once you ask, give him space to decide if he doesn’t have a decision for you right then and there. Don’t pester him about it afterward. However, to avoid him not answering you or not answering within a reasonable period, ask him to respond within a specific timeframe.  

Handle rejection gracefully. 

Be prepared for the answer to be no. Though you might feel disappointed or angry, you must accept this. That said, what you choose to do with the information you have received about your relationship based on their answer is another story.  

If you believe the guy you’ve been seeing should have attended, given your time together and the depth of your relationship, and he has no good reason not to attend, such as a work trip, you always have the option to reevaluate whether this is the right relationship for you. What you don’t want to do is fight about it or try to persuade him to do something he’s uncomfortable with. Again, this is how resentment builds, and no one wants to be in a relationship where one person is harboring animosity.

Final Thoughts  

Attending a wedding with your partner should be about sharing a meaningful experience, not testing his commitment. However, in true wedding form, for better or for worse, it can reveal where you stand — and whether you're standing in the right place with the right person. 

Should a Woman Confirm a Date With a Man?

So many questions swirl around dating etiquette. In heterosexual dating, one of those questions involves whether the man or the woman should confirm a date and when. While there’s often no right or wrong answer, as a woman, there are a few considerations to make before sending that confirmation text. 

When a Woman Plans the Date 

If you are a woman who made the first move by asking a guy out, by all means, confirm the date. There isn’t much in dating that’s a no-brainer, but this is: You made the plans, so follow through with those plans unless you have a good reason not to.  

As for when you should confirm? Ask yourself when you would want to receive a confirmation from a man. A good rule of thumb is, for night dates, that morning or the night before. For dates occurring at any other time of day, think about what would be considerate and then do it.  

When a Man Plans the Date 

Very often, a man will ask out a woman he’s interested in a few days or maybe longer before the date is to happen. Even if he tells you the name of the meeting spot and the time when he asks you out, as the date draws near, you may wonder if it’s still happening. However, as a woman, you may hesitate to confirm the date because (a) you want him to lead and (b) he was the one who asked you out.  

While you will be correct in wanting each to happen, they, for whatever reason, might not. Though both happening would be green flags, sometimes there’s a legitimate-ish reason his follow-up falls through the cracks. The first reason could be that he genuinely believes the date has already been set and assumes you will be there. The second is that he planned everything but didn’t confirm as early as would make you comfortable. Not everyone views time the same way.  

That said, you’re busy and have zero time to mess around. If a man has planned an evening date with you and hasn’t confirmed it by late morning of the date, you can send this simple text: “Are we still good for tonight?”  

Yes, you are taking the initiative here when he should have. But I argue that you are not losing your feminine energy by doing so because feminine energy also means you’re a strong woman who values your time. And in the interest of not wasting any, you want to know the plan so you can pencil him out if need be. What you’re trying to avoid is showing up somewhere and being stood up, in which case you should never deal with him again. But who needs to put themselves through this? Not you.  

When You Confirm the Date, But the Man Doesn’t Respond or Responds Too Late 

It happens: A man sets a date with you, gives you the place and the time, but doesn’t follow up afterward when you do. All you get is radio silence. What should you do then? The answer is simple: Nothing. He has shown you who he is, and that is someone who doesn’t follow through on his word. This, ladies, is a red flag if there ever was one. 

Should he follow up after the fact, after missing a date, to explain that his dog ate his PowerPoint or that “Something suddenly came up,” as it did for Marcia Brady when she canceled her date with Charlie, and then you choose to ignore what he already showed you by his actions, you run a high risk of him being exactly who he’s demonstrated himself to be. This is on you. 

The same is generally true of the guy who waits until the last possible moment to respond to your request for confirmation. In other words, if to make it on time, you would have already had to start getting dressed for the date or arrange childcare, then it’s already too late for him to confirm the date. Your answer should be that you can no longer make it since you didn’t hear back from him earlier. Again, if you choose to give him another shot if he asks for one, go at your own risk.  

Why Who Confirms a Date Matters and Why It Doesn’t 

Everything that happens in the early stages of dating, from the moment you connect on an app until you enter a committed relationship, is information you should pay close attention to and bank. What you’re looking for? Masculine energy.  

Men pursue. Men plan dates, men follow up about plans, men pay for, at a bare minimum, the first date, men walk you to your car, men text you to make sure you arrived home safely, and men communicate their interest in moving forward with you or let you know politely that they’re not. Reader, these are minimums.   

If a man is lazy from the beginning, he will almost one hundred percent of the time become lazier once you accept this as your standard. So, go ahead and confirm that date. As long as you understand what you having to confirm it communicates. 

How Many Dates Do You Wait for a Spark?

There’s a myth that there will be instant chemistry when you meet the one. Having spent over 30 years as a matchmaker, I can tell you that nothing could be further from the truth. This is not just because I didn’t feel a spark when I first met my husband Mike (sorry, Mike), but also because research dispels the myth. 

Researchers at Tel Aviv University, for example, found that individuals who exhibited generosity and altruism were perceived as more physically attractive. The effect was repeated across genders and varying types of relationships, suggesting that kindness influences the perception of attractiveness

Switching gears, the Mere Exposure Effect, a psychological phenomenon in which repeated exposure to a stimulus leads to increased liking, supports the notion that familiarity can raise attraction. The concept is relevant to understanding how attraction can grow over time. 

But the question still remains: How long should you wait for a spark? One date? Three dates? Ten dates? Consider the following. 

Why can first impressions sometimes be misleading? 

Bad first impressions — a guy not walking to your car, texting at the table, being rude to waitstaff — these are first impressions that are worth paying attention to. Why? Because each of them is a red flag.  

Then there are those first impressions that are, well, just not great. A poorly told joke, not being a captivating conversationalist, and behaving a little awkwardly are a few examples of evaluations you can make of someone that can leave you unsure if you like them or not. They haven’t offended you, but they haven’t caused you to foresee a future with them in it, either. Yet.  

If you’re not sure how you feel after a first date, and I argue after a second, you owe it to yourself to give that person another chance. But to make that chance truly worthwhile, it can help to change up the atmosphere of the date.  

So, if you met for dinner on the first date, perhaps on the second, you try an activity to see how they are in a different setting. Reevaluate after the second date whether your attraction to them is growing before you decide if it’s worth continuing to a third date.  

How can you tell if an attraction is growing? 

The best way to tell if your attraction to someone is growing is to listen to your gut. How do you feel when you’re with them? And, just as important, how do you feel when you’re apart? Are you thinking about this person or is it a clear case of out of sight, out of mind?  

If it’s the latter, you probably have your answer. But if you enjoy your conversations when you’re with one another and the interactions you have when you’re not, plus you look forward to the next time when you will be together, then this person is probably beginning to grow on you.  

Remember, sex can cloud judgment. With oxytocin flowing, it can be hard to get a true read on your attraction level. It’s possible to be sexually attracted to someone and not like them in other ways — or in every way else. Therefore, if you’re unclear about your attraction level, it’s probably wise not to use the bedroom as your measure. 

How long is too long to wait? 

While the slow burn of growing attraction is enticing, you don’t want to wait around indefinitely for it to happen. Many times, it won’t.  

Signs attraction is at a standstill include your indifference to them seeing others, not wanting to do anything intimate, like hold hands or kiss, and another individual holding your attention more than they do or just the prospect of it. Though emotional intimacy can take time to build, it’s not a given. In the interest of your happiness and the other person’s, you shouldn’t force yourself to feel something you don’t just because someone looks good on paper. 

When should you move on? 

Understanding the difference between patience and wishful thinking is important. You shouldn’t bet on potential because those are generally not good bets. A few dates is enough time to learn what you need to make an informed decision.  

Before calling it quits, though, make sure it’s what you want. If you make a mistake, the other person may not let you come back, or at least come back for a long, long time. No one likes to think they are a backup choice.  

How can you create more sparks? 

If you don’t feel a spark with anyone you date, the issue may be more with you than with them. Meaning, you may need to change up your approach to making connections and how you behave on dates.  

With regard to connections, make sure you are being fairly specific in who you’re looking for. While it’s a smart dating strategy to cast a wide net, too wide a net can cause you to make connections with people you won’t align with on many levels and, as a result, may not find yourself attracted to.  

If that’s not your issue, check in with yourself about your behavior on a date. Are you present? Are you being somewhat vulnerable and sharing personal details about yourself? Are you open to chemistry growing, or is there something (or someone) in your life holding you back? Any of these reasons or a combination of them can be why you’re not feeling attraction with the people you’re dating.  

Final thoughts … 

It can be frustrating to go on date after date and feel like you’re not connecting with anyone. But even when you’re doing everything “right,” it can still take time. Though there’s science and strategy involved in dating, there’s also a little luck involved. The thing about luck is that the harder you work at something, the luckier you get.  

Dating Overload: Why Too Many Dates Can Backfire

You’ve probably heard the expression, “Dating is a numbers game.” It’s pretty straightforward and, if you ask me, generally good advice. It simply means that the more people you date, the more chance you have to meet someone who fits the description of your perfect match.  

But what happens when you take it too far — when you have so many first dates scheduled that you’re considering creating a spreadsheet to remember what you wore and with whom, and, more importantly, to recall a few personal details about the person you’re seeing? If this sounds like you, you may be on dating overload, dating too many people at the same time.  

While it may sound efficient, this strategy can backfire and make it so you don’t find your match. Or at least recognize them when you see them. Here’s why. 

Too many dates can cause burnout and decision fatigue. 

Meeting new people on repeat can be exhausting, making it harder to discern who to date, continue dating, or pass on. When you date just a few people at a time, you can better focus on each person, including how they behave before, during, and after the date.  

This is vital information to collect. Dating too many people may cause you to miss red and green flags, which are integral to finding matches and being a safe dater.   

Too many dates may give rise to superficial connections and nothing serious.   

Juggling multiple prospects can interfere with you forming deeper emotional bonds with someone, leading you only to have a series of shallow interactions. Though having a busy social calendar can be exciting, it can get old, especially if your goal is to get into a serious relationship.  

Too many dates may make you believe there will always be someone better around the corner.   

It’s a great feeling to be wanted, but when you think there will always be someone new and better around the corner, you may be less inclined to give that “nice guy” (or “nice girl”) a chance. Or worse, be quick to blame the ick for why you’re getting rid of them.   

Often, realizing you're into someone can take a few encounters. Yes, it’s easy to recognize an instant attraction, but too much chemistry at the beginning doesn’t always bode well for the longevity of a relationship. Seeing where a tiny spark leads can be more promising in the long run.  

Too many dates can cause you to become emotionally detached. 

Too many dates in a short period can desensitize you to the excitement of what it feels like to have a real connection. Because you’re not focused on the here and now and, instead, on the five dates you have lined up, people you don’t know well can begin to feel like numbers. Spend some time as a detached dater, and it won’t be long before dating starts feeling like a chore. When dating becomes a chore, you’ll be quicker to choose your jammies over a night out.   

Too many dates may mean you won’t enjoy a date if you do go.  

Say you do forgo your jammies to go on a date you were ambivalent about. If you’re already experiencing dating burnout, there’s a good chance you will be itching to be anywhere but there. This is what happens when you’re going through the motions.  

Not only will you not enjoy the experience as much as you could, but likely, neither will your date, causing that first date to become a last date. Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy that brings you to yet another first date you’ve already proven you’re reluctant to have.  

Too many dates can result in you forgetting what you’re looking for in a person.  

When you are so busy accumulating people to date, it’s easy to forget what you’re looking for. Them asking you out (or saying yes to a date if you’re the one who asked) should not be enough to warrant your effort. No, you don’t want to be too picky, but you do want to pick and choose strategically based on your criteria for a partner — criteria you should have thought of before putting yourself out there.  

Final thoughts …   

Dating is for discovering — discovering what you like about someone you meet, as well as discovering what you like about yourself. If you’re too preoccupied with mechanics, including the number of dates you go on, you’re missing out on the experiences that can improve your dating skills enough to recognize when you’ve found love and not only no longer have to date but no longer want to.   

Stealthing: The Dangerous Deception You Need to Know About

There are many dating terms, such as ghosting, winter coating, and hoovering, that, while irritating and potentially emotionally damaging, won’t compromise your physical health by giving you an STI or causing you to become a mom before you want to. The practice that could is known as stealthing. If you are a single woman of any age dating men, here’s what you need to know about this dangerous and deceptive act. 

What is stealthing? 

Stealthing occurs when a man engaging in consensual sex with a woman removes his condom without the woman’s consent. It is a serious violation that can result in emotional and physical effects, including transmission of an STI and pregnancy.  

Depending on the jurisdiction, it may also be considered a sexual assault or rape under law. Some jurisdictions may treat it as a civil offense. Regardless, stealthing is a dating trend on the rise; research indicates that 19-32% of women have reported it.  

What can you do to avoid stealthing? 

A man who engages in stealthing does not respect you. He does not care about your feelings, and he does not care about your health and well-being. Though you likely won’t know someone’s capable of this behavior until they do it (unless they tell you they have, in which case you should run from them), there are precautions you can take so you don’t end up a victim. Those precautions are to: 

Vet your partners before engaging in sexual intercourse with them.  

While this strategy isn’t foolproof, it is a good practice to vet your partners before having sex with them. You would (or should if you’re not) vet the people you allow into your life. The same should apply to who you allow into your body. It makes sense, right? 

Communicate clearly with your partner before engaging in sexual activity.  

If you are planning to have sex with someone, even if you don’t know them well, have a conversation beforehand. During this conversation, discuss your expectations, boundaries, and what you consent to and don’t.  

Don’t just talk, either. Listen. If this individual appears irritated by this discussion or indicates they are not keen on complying with what you want, you should reconsider them as a sexual partner. You always have the option to walk away.  

Bring your own condoms.   

If, based on your conversation, you decide to move forward, consider bringing condoms with you. Ladies, carrying condoms is a wise practice, even if you aren’t expecting to have sex that day. Though men often have their preferences for condoms, unless they have an allergy, chances are they’d prefer to use yours rather than not have sex at all.  

As for you, having condoms on you means you can protect yourself at all times, even if you get carried away in the moment. If you have a latex allergy, carrying your own is another way to protect your health.  

Spot-check that the condom is in place during intercourse.  

Your condom, their condom, it doesn’t matter. Spot-check that it’s in place and stays in place while you’re having sex. This also can prevent the condom from coming off during sex or letting you know sooner rather than later that the condom broke, both of which can happen. Remember, abstinence is the only form of protection that’s 100% effective.  

Consider additional protection above and beyond condoms.  

Additional birth control methods, such as an oral contraceptive or IUD, can offer some peace of mind if you’re still in your child-bearing years. However, these added protections will only ward against pregnancy, not STIs. If someone stealths you, you are at risk.     

Be prepared to stop if you notice the condom is missing.  

Even if you do everything above to prevent stealthing during sexual intercourse, if you notice the condom is missing, either because the other person removed it without your consent or it was otherwise compromised, stop having sex immediately.  

You are and must remain your top priority. You don’t owe anyone anything, including finishing, simply because you’ve started. How much time you spend exposed can matter for your body and mind.  

What should you do if you become a victim of stealthing? 

If you become the victim of stealthing, you have options in the aftermath to help yourself, beginning immediately. 

Seek medical attention.  

Seek immediate medical care to receive STI testing and emergency contraception if you are concerned about pregnancy. If you are worried about exposure to HIV, consider receiving PEP, which stands for post-exposure prophylaxis. It is most effective within 72 hours of exposure, so time is a factor.  

Document the incident.  

Write down details about what occurred while they’re fresh in your mind. Details should include dates, times, and anything the person said or did. Save any written correspondence relevant to the incident, such as text messages or messages over dating apps.  

Find emotional support and take care of your mental well-being.  

Being a victim of stealthing can be traumatic. With this in mind, talk to a trusted friend, therapist, or support group about what you experienced. Consider also reaching out to an organization whose goal is to support victims of sexual violence; they can provide further guidance. You should also think about talking one-on-one to a therapist. Finally, begin healing yourself by engaging in self-care. 

Consider taking legal action. 

As mentioned earlier, depending on the state you live in, stealthing may be recognized as a criminal or civil offense. You can consult a lawyer or local advocacy group to explore your legal options, which may require reporting the incident to the police. Whether you do so will be a personal choice; only you will know what’s right for you. But one thing you must know: This is not your fault.  

Forgive or Forget? How to Handle a Good Date Gone Bad

You know when a first date is going well. You also know when it isn’t. But what if you’re not quite sure because the “good” date you’re on suddenly takes an awkward turn?  

This can happen for several reasons: an embarrassing joke, an offensive comment, or an unexpected (read: weird) reaction to something you said or did. Do you forgive them? Or do you forget them and everything else they did before and perhaps after that was right? That depends on how you factor the following considerations into your decision-making.    

Was it a one-time slip or an indication of a red flag? 

Though you won’t be able to know the answer to this question definitively since you’ve never met this person before, you can still formulate an educated answer based on the information you have. Meaning the information you’ve already collected about yourself.  

If you’ve done the work to recognize what constitutes a red flag and committed to your dealbreakers, you should feel comfortable making a best guess about what a future (including a second date) with this person might look like. If you’re already making excuses for them or betting on their potential, i.e., telling yourself, “I can change them,” you're better off cutting your losses.  

Context Matters: Understanding the Intent Behind the Misstep 

Context makes a difference, so if, for example, your date made a comment with a sexual connotation, and you both were just talking about something sexual, they may have felt comfortable “going there” when ordinarily they wouldn’t have. 

This is not to victim blame or excuse rude behavior or behavior that makes you uncomfortable. You should always go with your gut about how someone or something makes you feel.  

However, in the future, you may want to use an awkward experience to learn from, which, in this scenario, would be to not engage in conversations that could lead somewhere you wouldn’t want it to. Just as you don’t know your date, they don’t know you and what a turn-on or a turn-off might be for you.   

Your Comfort Level: Can You Move Past the Awkwardness? 

In keeping with the example above and considering whether context was a factor, you must decide whether you can move past the awkwardness. It is generally hard to move forward if the comment or act has offended your values. If it hasn’t, you next need to decide if what you’re dealing with is the “ick.”  

Not all icks are grounds for dismissal; some you can move past if the other positive factors outweigh them. The key is recognizing what’s morally offensive versus off-putting to you.  

It’s important to note that your analysis doesn’t only have to be self-facing. Part of it can be tied to the other person’s response if you’re inclined to call them out.    

Addressing the Issue: Should You Call It Out or Let It Slide 

If you are inclined to address the incident, ask the other person about it — what they meant and why they said or did it. Then, explain why the incident upset you, set a boundary, and sit back to evaluate your date’s response. 

If they are genuinely apologetic (as far as you can tell), you may choose to give them the benefit of the doubt; they made an error in judgment about the situation and, as a result, overstepped. On the other hand, if they react poorly — they raise their voice, gaslight you, or otherwise disregard your feelings — you can feel safe in your assumption that you are better off without them. 

Keep in mind that you also don’t have to call them out. You can assess the situation in your head and act accordingly. If you ever feel unsafe, always err on the side of caution and keep your commentary to yourself. When dating, your safety must always remain the priority, not educating someone else about your boundaries or etiquette in general. That’s not your job or why you’re there.   

When to Give a Second Chance — And When to Walk Away 

Speaking of why you’re there, first dates are an opportunity to learn more about someone who has piqued your interest and whose interest you’ve piqued. Many times, actually, most of the time, you won’t like what you see, which is why you can go on a lot of first dates before beginning to see someone more steadily. And then it may still not work out.  

Though disappointment can be disheartening and frustrating, your strategy should remain the same: Go into every date with a positive outlook and an open mind to give yourself the best chance of success. As the old Russian proverb tells us: “Trust, but verify,” which, in dating, is translation for “believe the good, but don’t ignore the bad.”