Are Your Dating Standards Healthy or Unrealistic?

The dating pool is so large that, at times, it can feel ominous, which is why sticking to a pre-determined set of principles can help you eliminate those who aren’t compatible with your long-term goals. That being said, if you aren’t finding eligible singles to date, it can be a sign that it’s time to re-examine your standards to determine whether some of them may be unrealistic expectations in disguise that are interfering with your search. With this in mind, here are a few tips for how to make the distinction.

What Healthy Dating Standards Look Like

It’s not so hard to recognize healthy standards when you know what you’re looking at. A healthy standard could be wanting to date someone who treats you with respect, listens when you speak, and makes an effort to spend quality time with you. These are realistic “wants” that are both rooted in your values and can support you in finding a meaningful relationship.

Healthy standards can also include lifestyle choices and compatibility. For example, you may want someone who shares your faith or who values physical activity because that’s part of your daily routine. You may want someone who is fiscally responsible or who enjoys spending time with family and friends who are like family, because you live your life this way, too.

Wanting a partner who looks like a model, makes a particular amount of money, or has no emotional baggage, consider whether you could hold yourself to those same standards. If the answer is no, your expectations may need tweaking.

The point is that healthy standards should be directed toward those qualities that will make you feel safe, supported, and seen in a relationship. When you hold to standards that are inexorably tied to maintaining self-respect and fulfilling your needs, you are effectively taking measures to protect yourself from falling into a relationship that will leave you unhappy or unfulfilled. Though it’s not a given that this won’t happen, the odds are more in your favor that you’ll discover positive interactions, even if the relationship doesn’t work out. 

Signs Your Standards Might Be Too Rigid

Being selective is simply smart dating behavior. There is a caveat: Sometimes standards can be so rigid that no one will ever have a shot of getting close to you.

How do you know if this is happening? Easy. If you consistently find yourself dismissing people for minor reasons before they have a chance to show you who they are, that is reason enough to take a step back. If, for example, you flat-out refuse to date someone because they do not meet an exact height requirement or they don’t share a particular interest of yours, you may be selling viable matches short.

Another sign your standards may be unrealistic is when you rarely go on second dates because you keep finding small reasons to cut new people loose. In other words, if every date ends with you convinced the person is not good enough, the problem may be in your list of requirements rather than with the actual people you’re meeting.

The way to change this behavior is to get to the reasons underlying it. Rigid standards are often a manifestation of fear. If you are worried about being hurt, you might be using dealbreakers as a means of protecting yourself. While self-preservation is natural, too much of a good thing can thwart your chances of meeting your person. Recognizing this pattern is the first step toward deviating from it. So, what do too many dealbreakers look like in action?

Spotting Unrealistic Expectations

Unrealistic expectations often show up as demands that no person could meet. Wanting a partner who will never disagree with you, never struggle emotionally or physically, or who is always available when you want them to be will only disappoint you. Everyone has flaws, needs, and desires, and expecting otherwise sets new prospects (and you) up for failure.

Another signal that your expectations might be unrealistic and unproductive is when your dating goals are more geared toward superficial factors, such as appearance or social status, rather than a person’s character and values. For example, only wanting a partner who drives a specific car or eats at certain restaurants regularly will not guarantee a satisfying relationship or a sense of fulfillment. Likely, you’ll end up with quite the opposite.

Healthy Standards Leave Room for Differences

Healthy relationships come from knowing what matters to you while still allowing room for each other’s differences, curiosity, and to learn from one another. The sweet spot is when you honor your non-negotiables while still leaving space for you and a partner to flourish as a couple and as individuals.

When respect and honesty are at the top of your priorities for a relationship, then you have a good chance at finding long-term satisfaction. Other, less significant details, such as your favorite TV shows or hobbies, typically end up mattering less in the long run.

If you are unclear on what matters to you most, try sorting your standards into categories. These can include your must-haves, would-be-nice-to-haves, and dealbreakers.

Questions to Ask Yourself Before Ruling Someone Out

Before deciding someone is not right for you, ask yourself: Am I rejecting this person for a reason related to our compatibility, or am I reacting to something surface-level? Does their lifestyle conflict with mine in such a way that it would lead to long-term conflict for us, or is it simply a detail that won’t carry much weight for the long haul?

Another valid question to ask yourself is whether you are being fair to people you don’t know well. Are you holding potential partners to standards you can and would also be willing to meet? A healthy relationship relies on mutual effort, not a one-sided list of demands, so if you’re coming in with such a list, it’s time to check yourself.

Finally, ask whether time and patience might reveal more about this person. Some people open up slower than others, and walking away too quickly may cause you to miss out on an individual who could have been a strong match once you got to know them better.

Final Thoughts

Recognizing unrealistic expectations is not the same as compromising your worth. No one, no relationship, is ever worth that. But what it does signal is that you’ve taken the initiative to verify that the qualities you are focusing on are, in fact, the qualities that also must be present in a relationship for it to last, like honesty, kindness, and emotional availability.

Most of us start out thinking that we have a “type,” and in some ways that may be true. The thing is, some of the best relationships I’ve seen began when two people stepped out of their type to give each other a chance. Only to find that that person, and not the others they had dated before them, was exactly their type after all.

The Etiquette of Wishing Your Ex a ‘Happy Birthday’ After a Breakup

Birthdays are special occasions, deserving of recognition. On birthdays, people from near and far, from all parts of your life, seem, like magic, to emerge out of their own busy existence with texts, social media messages, and sometimes plans to celebrate your special day with you. It’s a wonderful feeling to know you’ve made an impression, even in some small way, on the people you’ve met, and sometimes haven’t.

Where these simple, seemingly polite platitudes become a less-than-wonderful experience is when you hear them from an ex you are no longer communicating with due to a recent split, or haven’t spoken to in months or even years, and have gone your separate ways. At the very least, a simple “Happy Birthday” text can leave you scratching your head as to why this person suddenly reached out after nothing but silence and what their intentions are for doing so. Far more concerning is when that outreach has the effect of disrupting your life.     

The etiquette surrounding birthday wishes after a breakup is highly debated, and there are a couple of reasons why: The person on the receiving end (1) might not want to hear from their ex, and (2) if they do want to, could misinterpret their ex’s intentions. With these two factors in mind, here’s what to do if you receive an unexpected birthday wish from an ex or are considering sending one.

Ask Yourself How You Feel About Hearing From Your Ex

Upon receiving a birthday text from your ex, ask yourself how you feel about it. Does it make you anxious, or are you happy to hear from them? If you are excited, are you envisioning something happening between you because they wished you a happy birthday?

It’s imperative to take time to understand why you feel the way you do. If you are anxious, is it because this person has the capacity to hurt you emotionally, physically, or both? Have they in the past? Should either scenario be applicable, it’s best to take measures to protect yourself.

If hearing from your ex excites you, it can help to take a step back and examine the birthday message at face value. Are they saying something to you beyond “Happy Birthday,” like “I love you, I’ve missed you, I want us to be together,” in which case their intentions for reaching out are clear? Or does their simple wish leave you wondering what is actually in their head? The answers to these questions should direct how you want to respond, if at all.  

Decide Whether You Want to Respond

If you believe your ex’s entrance into your life will cause you harm, either by their deliberate actions or because of the emotions they raise in you, by all means, don’t respond. This may sound harsh and may even sound mean. However, you don’t owe an ex anything, including your attention. This is still true if they accompany their birthday wishes with a grand(er) gesture, such as flowers or a gift. Again, you don’t owe this person so much as a thank you.   

On the other hand, if you are happy to hear from your ex and want to reply, you now have your invitation. However, be cautious, as you still don’t know their intentions for reaching out. Yes, it may seem like they want you back, given their reappearance. However, people can have many reasons for reaching out to an ex besides wanting them back. Those reasons could include missing you (but still not wanting a romantic relationship with you), curiosity about what’s going on in your life, guilt about the way they treated you or how things ended, a desire to be friends, a desire to appear the good guy or girl, or wanting sex. 

The best way to find out what they want is simply to ask. That may feel awkward to do, but asking can save you heartache. No, you won’t scare them off if they want a relationship with you; they will be more than happy to say that if it’s what they want.

Here’s the critical part: They will then demonstrate through their actions that they are willing to do the work to get you back. Remember, for a relationship to work following a breakup, something has to fundamentally change in the new relationship so you both can move forward feeling more secure as a couple. 

Think Long and Hard About the Consequences of Sending a Birthday Wish to Your Ex

Given how much confusion can arise from a birthday wish to an ex, it can be worth spending a few moments considering the effect popping into someone’s life you have history with can have on them. Sure, it may feel good in the moment, and you may get the payoff you’re looking for, but it may not feel so good for your ex and can, in fact, hurt them. Is the benefit to you worth that pain to them?

Unless you mean business, unless you want to try and win your ex back, and unless you feel like your appearance will be welcomed by your ex, it is best to stay silent and let your ex live in peace on their birthday and every other day of the year. If you genuinely care about your ex, your silence may become the best birthday gift you ever give them.

Embracing Second Chances: The Empowerment of Choice

Life rarely unfolds the way we first imagine. Many of us have lived through chapters filled with love, loss, growth, and change. For those who are divorced or widowed, the idea of dating again later in life can feel daunting — even overwhelming. But what if this chapter isn’t about fear or regret, but about freedom? What if second chances are where the most meaningful love stories begin?

When you were younger, love often came with expectations: start a family, build a home, follow the timeline society set for you. Choices may have felt limited, rushed, or influenced by what others thought you “should” do. But now, you carry something you didn’t have then — wisdom. With that wisdom comes clarity, and with clarity comes the empowerment of choice.

A second chance isn’t about recreating the past. It’s about stepping into the future with intention. At this stage of life, you know what matters most. You know the value of kindness, respect, and shared values. You know the difference between being with someone out of necessity and choosing someone who brings joy, companionship, and true connection.

Today, you are free to choose differently. Free to set boundaries. Free to decide what kind of partner you want and what kind of relationship you deserve. That freedom isn’t a burden — it’s a gift. It allows you to say no to relationships that don’t serve you and yes to opportunities that enrich your life.

Embracing second chances means reclaiming your story. You’re not starting over at the beginning — you’re starting again, but with a lifetime of lessons behind you. And this time, you get to write the story on your terms. Love after 50 isn’t about following a script. It’s about embracing authenticity, passion, and companionship in a way that feels right for you.

Second chances aren’t just possible — they can be the most fulfilling chapter yet. Because when you choose from a place of wisdom and self-awareness, you’re no longer settling. You’re creating. You’re curating. You’re stepping into a love story defined not by circumstance, but by the power of your choice.

Tips for Dating When You’re in Recovery for Alcohol or Drugs

When you’re sober, in recovery, or have recovered from alcoholism or drugs (there are various ways to describe this journey, with some nuance), it’s a fairly common sentiment to recognize that staying healthy requires care. That being said, how, at what level, and in what circumstances such care will look like will depend on the individual. Given the emotions involved, including highs, lows, and everything in between, dating can be one of the circumstances where extra attention is warranted. With this in mind, here are a few suggestions if you’re looking for love amid recovery.

Start with Self-Check: Where Are You Now?

Before dating, it’s important to make sure you’re ready for the investment of time, money, intention, and emotion that dating demands, at least if you plan on doing it “well,” whatever well means to you. Your self-check should not be a fleeting thought, either.

Rather, you should think through your decision to start dating over a period of days, weeks, or even months, reminding yourself that you are always free to stop if you don’t feel comfortable. This is your life and you are in control of it.

Know What You’re Looking For, and What You’re Not

Consider what qualities you are looking for in a partner. Also, think about a potential partner’s lifestyle and whether you believe it will mesh with yours.

If, for example, you are using a dating app and come across someone who enjoys frequenting breweries or is interested in wine tastings, this may not be something you’re comfortable with or will be interested in. While it may have been in the past, you are who you are today. Having a clear picture of who you’re looking for will help weed out obvious mismatches early.

Be Honest About Your History (When You're Ready)

It’s helpful for the health of a burgeoning relationship to be honest about your history early on, but only when you’re ready. How early will, again, depend on you and your comfort level. For some people, that may mean putting it in their dating profile. For others, it might mean having a conversation a few dates in if it looks like a relationship is taking hold.

The subject of addiction could be part of a conversation you initiate, or it could come up organically. What’s important is not hiding a part of yourself that could be relevant to someone else’s decision-making when choosing a partner they will be comfortable with.

It’s better to know sooner rather than later if some aspect of your life will change that person’s thoughts on a relationship. Your time is valuable, and you are valuable. So, you want to find someone who wants to be with you. All of you.

Pay Attention to How You Feel Around Them

As in any new relationship, you will want to pay close attention to how you feel not only when you are in the company of someone you’re dating but also when you’re apart. Both are telling.

If you are relaxed and comfortable either way, that is a good sign. But it doesn’t mean you have met your “one” just yet. This is a question to ask continually, as people reveal more about themselves over time.

Remember, you are evaluating your partner just as much as they are evaluating you. While someone may be a great person, it doesn’t mean they will be s great relationship partner for you. This holds even if they are fully supportive of your recovery.

Protect Your Routine and Wellness

While dating, or if you end up getting into a serious relationship, always take care to protect the routine you’ve established that helps you stay sober or clean. This will create a strong foundation for your relationship and your life.

You are, as always, your own best advocate, meaning that your health and wellness must always remain your priority. If you find that the person you’re dating or the relationship you’re in as a whole is putting that at risk, it’s time to reassess whether you’re situation is one you want to remain in.

A strong relationship not only keeps its partners strong, but it also makes them stronger as couples and as individuals. This is because there is power in numbers, especially when it’s two people who love and support each other. So ask yourself: Are you, or could you be, that person for the one you’re with, and, just as importantly, are they or could they be that for you? 

Should I Consider Dating Someone Who’s in Recovery?

Being in recovery from alcohol or drugs is an accomplishment worthy of celebration. The road to get there was undoubtedly difficult for the person who traversed it, and it is never far from their mind.

As someone who has not been on this path, dating an individual who has may cause you to wonder if you should get involved with them. After all, as an outsider, there’s no way for you to fully know or understand what challenges getting to that place of recovery entailed or the challenges they face every day to stay there.

With these considerations in mind, should you give someone in recovery a chance as a relationship partner? Here are a few questions you may want to consider.

Are you understanding of addiction as a disease?

Addiction is a disease. A chronic disease. As a chronic disease, it’s possible to get it under control so that its ill effects never resurface, but if the conditions are right, it’s best to remember that it could. And if it does, it can dismantle the life the person in recovery has worked hard to create, as well as dismantle the lives of those around them.

For those who’ve been around addiction, they’ve seen and, therefore, know what addiction can look like in its worst moments. For those who haven’t, it can be a struggle to comprehend how a relapse can happen and what it takes to recover from it, which will invariably include the support of the people in that person’s life. Support that they may or may not be willing to admit they need or accept readily.

This all can be a jolt for someone unfamiliar with addiction. That said, it doesn’t mean you can’t become more literate on the subject.  

Are you interested in learning more about addiction?

If you are up for learning more about addiction because you want to support a partner, there’s much to learn. Though you may never understand completely what it’s like to be addicted to alcohol or drugs if that hasn’t been your life experience, there are copious resources available to become more fluent in addiction. Learning more can help you not only decide whether you want to be in a relationship with someone in recovery but also what your relationship could look like on its worst days.

Informed decisions are usually the ones you won’t regret later. Not to mention, there are no guarantees with anything in life, including that someone who’s never been addicted will develop addiction later.

Are you in a position to be supportive of a partner who’s in recovery?

When considering dating someone in recovery, it’s helpful not only to think about what could happen if that person relapses and what your role in that situation would be, but also to imagine what your support would require when they’re doing well and at their strongest. Here’s why.

Being in recovery requires an ongoing commitment from the individual who has the disease. It stands to reason that they shouldn’t be with someone who won’t be tolerant of their need to not be in situations that could compromise their well-being. Are you in a place in your life where you are willing to make your partner part of your decision-making for the choices you make for yourself?

If having a cocktail, for example, is something you enjoy and are not willing to give up, it’s helpful to be honest with yourself and your potential partner early on. It may not bother them at all. But in all fairness, they, too, should know more about your likes and habits before they decide to date you. A real relationship requires commitment from both partners to succeed.

Are you willing to love someone for who they are?

Someone who has an addiction in their past may have moments behind them as well that they aren’t proud of or wish didn’t happen. This, of course, goes for anyone, but for someone who’s dealt with an addiction, those feelings can be more pronounced.

The last thing an individual in recovery will need in their life is a partner who holds their past against them. More than that, like you, they will need someone to love them for who they are. Ask yourself honestly: Are you capable of being that person for them?

Final Thoughts

People everywhere, especially as we age, can suffer from a chronic illness. Addiction is just one of these diseases. However, like every disease, it has its unique characteristics, making it wise to familiarize yourself with them before taking on the role of partner.

Genuine partnerships involve good days, bad days, and monotonous days. That’s life. And in life, we all have choices, including whether we are up for the job of being the strong and devoted partner someone else deserves. 

It’s Your First Trip Together: Who Pays?

The question of who pays when taking a trip with a new partner for the first time is common. It’s not surprising, as many factors can come into play when deciding what feels right to you personally and for the health of your new relationship. If you’re about to embark on this milestone (which raises different financial considerations from dating) and are unsure how best to handle the money, here are a few questions to ask yourself before deciding, not in any specific order.

Who did the inviting?

Even though one person does the inviting, it’s helpful not to rely on that as code for that person offering to pick up the tab, even though it would stand to reason they would. This assumption is no longer necessarily true in today’s dating world.

If you’re at all concerned about expectations, you should leave nothing up to chance. Ask. Just because someone is wealthy or has more money than you do doesn’t mean they will automatically want or expect to pay for everything.

How long have you known each other?

It’s important to consider how long you’ve known each other. Yes, some people take trips with a partner they haven’t known for very long. As long as you’re being safe, meaning you’ve vetted them as best you can, that’s your prerogative.

That being said, though you may be fine investing your time in someone you don’t know well, you also need to consider what financial investment you’re comfortable with. Even a weekend away can be pricey.

To avoid unwanted surprises, consider whether you would feel more comfortable going to Capri with friends, as they’re a known quantity. This means you can pretty much count on your trip not getting ruined, as new relationships that haven’t endured the stressors of traveling together can fall apart fast.

What can each of you afford?

If you’re still up for taking the risk that the trip may not be all you hoped for because of who you’re with, it’s best to really look at the numbers and then add to your budget in case the trip doesn’t go according to plan and you need to part ways while away. Translation: You could end up paying more than you expected.

Should you determine that your budget doesn’t allow for what you’re either proposing or have been invited to, speak up immediately. You don’t know this person for long or well, and they have no allegiance to you or your financial well-being. That’s on you.

Be your own advocate from the beginning, and avoid awkward situations or spending more than you want to or can. Paying for a vacation months after you get home, even if it went great, can tarnish the memories.

Do you see a future with this person?

This question also speaks to investment. If you don’t see a future with this person, be honest with yourself and them about your feelings before going away together. First, a sincere person doesn’t take from someone, whether a meal or a trip, when they have already decided they’re not into that person and don’t see a future. So, if that’s you, and you’re just looking to have a good time, think about contributing.

Second, you always have the option to say you’d like to see where your relationship heads before taking a couples trip. You’re not taking the possibility of traveling together off the table for good, but just for right now. You may feel differently later.

Will you be happy with the arrangement you’re considering?

If, after going through the above analysis with yourself and the person you’re dating, you decide to move forward with the trip and have agreed to a financial arrangement, make sure you’re happy with it. This goes for today and after you get back. There’s nothing like harboring resentment to snuff out a spark.

A better alternative? Treat that spark with care, as you would a campfire you’re trying to light. As you probably know, to get a good fire going, it takes patience, attention, and respect for the forces of nature.

Burgeoning love is one of those forces, leaving it up to you to handle it and those who potentially offer it with respect. The person you’re dating should do the same for you. As you will discover, when you and a partner have the same itinerary, it will become much more likely that you will find yourself on the trip of a lifetime in every way that matters. 

You Are Who You Date: What Your Choices Say About You

You’re probably familiar with the phrase “You are what you eat.” If you are health-conscious, you’ve probably also realized there’s much truth to it. Well, there’s another phrase I like to use that I also find to be true, and that is “You are who you date.”

While you may want to argue with me that this statement is not true since you and your love interests are different people who don’t necessarily have the same goals and aspirations, not to mention that you both have unique life histories, I argue that the people you date speak to who you are and where you are in your life. With this in mind, here’s what your dating choices say about you.

Your dating choices speak to how you feel about your appearance.

When you date someone who is trying to improve the way you look — the way you dress, the way you wear your makeup or hair, the color nail polish you choose, and your weight, among other characteristics — and you stay with them once you realize what they’re doing, it’s time to look in the mirror. But not to verify that what they’re saying is true. No. It’s to tell yourself that you don’t need someone to direct you in your life.

If you were good with how you looked before them and now find yourself questioning your appearance because of what the person you’re dating is saying to you about it, you are not living your life for you. It’s one thing if you want to change certain aspects of your appearance, and another if someone else is telling you that they should so you’ll be more attractive to them.   

Your dating choices speak to how secure you feel in your finances.

Ask any financial expert, and they’ll probably tell you that financial literacy is correlated with financial independence, and financial independence is correlated with financial security and confidence. They’ll probably also tell you this doesn’t mean you must earn or have saved a lot. You may, but it doesn’t have to. Yes, wealthy people can overspend and find themselves in debt, while middle-class people can enjoy peacefulness in their lives, at least where having adequate means to care for themselves and their family is concerned.

Why does understanding these relationships matter? If you’re dating someone who’s a financial mess, who doesn’t pay their bills on time, who has bill collectors calling, who spends without considering whether they have the means to, and doesn’t prioritize saving for the future or a rainy day, their lifestyle will inevitably impact yours.

At a minimum, they will be nervous or stressed about their finances, or you will be nervous or stressed that they’re not. More importantly, they have already signaled to you that they are not a viable partner.

Hook up with them, and they will drag you down into a financial rabbit hole that could negatively affect your bottom line. When you choose to stay with such a person, you are casting a vote for your future that doesn’t speak highly of the one you’re willing to settle for.  

Your dating choices speak to how you feel about your career

When you date someone and they reveal they don’t respect your career path, again, it’s time to reevaluate. If they’re constantly urging you to do something else, step it up a notch, or shift gears in some way because what you do doesn’t make them feel happy or satisfied, you’re effectively letting them take from you.

It’s one thing to ask for guidance and to be on the receiving end of constructive advice that is offered with love, care, and your well-being in mind. It’s another to be on the receiving end of advice given because it would somehow benefit them, whether financially or in how they would look to others.

Stay with this individual, you’re effectively saying that the career you’ve been pouring your heart into doesn’t actually mean that much to you. Is this true?

Your dating choices speak to your ability to take care of your children

If you are a parent, you are dating both for yourself and them. Even if you aren’t looking to get married, being in a long-term relationship with someone means their presence will seep into your relationships with your family, particularly your children.

When a partner is not parent material in your mind, based on how they parent their children or how they behave otherwise, you are making a statement about your ability to protect your family, not to mention yourself. Even if this person has little to no contact with your kids, if they’re not treating their own the right way, if you fundamentally disagree with their parenting choices or life choices, it will cause dissension for you, and maybe arguments with them. Is this what you need to feel secure in your relationship today and the future?

Your dating choices speak to how you feel about your attractiveness level in general

Should you experience some or all of the above with the person you’re dating, deep down, you already know you have no future with them. So, it’s time to ask yourself: Why are they still in your life?

The people you date should like you for you. You are not someone’s pet project. You are not here for someone else to turn you into what you want. That’s not how dating or life, for that matter, should work.

When you stay with someone who makes you feel “less than,” you are making a statement about your level of attractiveness overall, specifically that you’re not attractive as a partner. Without knowing you, I already know that’s not true.

We all have parts of ourselves and parts of our lives that we’d like to improve on. This is a good thing. It means we’re still living and growing as human beings.

You want to find a partner who feels the same positivity about themselves and their lives. The best relationships come about when two people who are strong, independent, and confident in their growth merge their lives so they can continue to be strong independently and even stronger as a couple.

When He’s Moving Too Slow: Is He Not Interested?

So often, the conversation among singles revolves around men moving too fast, meaning asking for sex on or before the first date. Or on the second or the third, way before many women find themselves ready. 

But there’s a flip side to this, which is making women uncomfortable as well: when a guy is moving too slow, as in he hasn’t made his move, even leaning in for a kiss, a couple of months in. The question thus emerges: Is he not interested? Here’s what to consider when answering this question for yourself.   

Have you forgotten what it means to have a man respect you?

When a guy is moving slowly, it can feel like rejection in disguise. But a slow pace doesn’t automatically translate to disinterest. It might mean he’s trying to be cautious or unsure how you feel. 

Ask yourself this: Are you interpreting his patience as a lack of desire because you’re used to being pressured? Some women confuse respect with distance, particularly if they’re used to men pushing physical boundaries early on. 

You can appreciate someone taking their time without jumping to conclusions. And it might be worth exploring whether the discomfort comes from him or an old pattern that makes you question your worth when things aren’t moving faster.

Has he demonstrated through his actions that he’s interested in you romantically?

Is he calling or texting regularly? Does he ask how your day was, and remember little things you’ve said? Does he make plans in advance? These are the signs that someone’s interested, so if the answer is yes, that is a kind of intimacy. Just because it hasn’t turned physical doesn’t mean he doesn’t want it to with you. 

If you’re not getting any of that, it’s worth considering whether his slowness is rooted in a lack of desire or effort. People show interest in different ways, but it’s pretty clear when someone puts energy into building a connection. 

When a man keeps things vague, is only available on his terms, or if every interaction leaves you reading between the lines, you should take it as he’s not interested. Though you don’t need grand, romantic gestures, consistency and care count for a lot. If you’re left guessing rather than feeling chosen, his slow pace might be about his priorities, of which you’re not one.

Have you brought up the subject of sex?

It’s completely fine to talk about sex before you have it. If he hasn’t brought it up and you’re wondering where he stands, you don’t need to wait for him to make the first move. You can open that door.

The way someone reacts to that conversation will tell you a lot. Does he shut down or get awkward? Or is he open and responsive? 

You also don’t have to lead with “Why haven’t you kissed me?” But you can say, “I’ve noticed we haven’t talked about physical stuff yet, and I’m curious how you’re thinking about it.” 

That’s not pressure. It’s communication. If you’re both adults and getting to know each other with the hope of a real relationship, conversations like this should feel normal and not scary. Bottom line: Don’t assume silence means he’s not into it. He might just be waiting for a signal that you’re open to the topic.

Have you discussed exclusivity and commitment around sex?

This is an important factor. Some people don’t like to mix physical intimacy with uncertainty. If he’s taking his time, it could be because he wants to know where things are going before taking that step. Yes, men can think like this, too. It’s a sign of emotional maturity. 

Or he could be dating multiple people and isn’t ready to cross that line with anyone yet. Here’s the thing: You don’t have to guess. Ask. 

You’re allowed to want transparency about what sex means in the context of a relationship. If you’re a person who wants exclusivity before becoming physical, this is an excellent opportunity to say that out loud. See how he responds. 

When a guy shares a similar view or respects yours, that should tell you something about his values. Should he dodge the issue or cause you to feel awkward about bringing it up, that’s also telling. Either way, you get information to move forward without blinders on.

Are you ready to ask him to test for STIs, and you to do the same?

This topic’s talked about less often, but it matters greatly. Before your relationship turns physical, you should feel safe having this conversation. If you’re hesitating to ask him about testing or to offer to do it yourself, ask why. 

Is it because you’re unsure of how he’ll react? Is it too soon, or are you not feeling close enough with him to have this conversation yet? Being ready for sex means being prepared to talk about health and safety, too. You don’t need to make the conversation heavy. You can say, “When the time comes, I’d want us both to get tested. That’s part of how I take care of myself.” If you’re uncomfortable saying that to him, maybe it’s not the right time to be physical. 

Final Thoughts

Sex is one way to deepen your connection, and should not revolve around anyone’s timeline except your own. If you can’t talk about it, don’t do it. If you can, then you’re likely in a healthier spot to determine whether this is someone you want to have sex with for all the reasons that feel right to you.

Can You Turn a Situationship into a Boyfriend?

For those who’ve knowingly entered or somehow gotten into a situationship, the question often arises: Can you turn a situationship into a boyfriend?

While the same can be asked of a man who wants to turn his situationship into a girlfriend, it’s much less common. Usually, that looks like a guy trying to get out of the friend zone with a woman he hasn’t slept with, making man-woman situationships a far different scenario since the woman has invested herself sexually in a relationship without a commitment.

In my experience, it’s very challenging for a woman to change how the man she’s involved with looks at her. Here’s why.  

What he thinks of you is probably already set

People show you who they are early on, and they also show you how they view you. If a man is treating you like someone he’s casually seeing, it’s because that’s how he defines your relationship. He may enjoy your company, like the sex, find texting with you now and then amusing, and say sweet things in the moment. Still, none of it means he sees you as someone he wants a relationship with. Now or ever.

Most of the time, men don’t wake up one day and decide to put you in a different relationship category. That rarely happens unless it’s in the movies or something significant changes for them, like they decide it’s time to find a wife because all of their friends are getting married. Keep in mind, though, it still might not be you.

It’s easy to think that if you just say or do the right thing, a guy you’re casual with will see your value as a relationship partner. Unfortunately, more often than not, he’s already decided who you are to him and won’t be upgrading your role in his life.

If he wanted more, you’d already know

This one may sting because it’s likely true. When a man wants to be with you, it’s obvious. You won’t have to parse his texts or wonder where you stand. You won’t feel like you’re always initiating, waiting around, or walking on eggshells. You won’t feel anxious after seeing him. Instead, you’ll feel calm.

If you’re questioning everything, you already have your answer. It’s not that he’s playing a long game or taking his time. These are the lies women tell themselves to feel better and give themselves false hope. What you’re feeling is merely the low level of connection he’s offering you, and nothing more.

As women, we waste so much time trying to read between the lines when the truth is right in front of us. In general, men say what they mean. Beyond his words, because many men deliberately offer the possibility of a relationship as a dangling carrot, pay attention to how a guy shows up for you.

Once you do, you usually can’t unsee his true intentions. Sure, you can keep hoping he’ll come around. But it will be far more efficient for you to find the relationship you want. All you have to do is admit what your current relationship is predicated on, which is not much, and start choosing yourself.

Hoping he’ll change usually leads to you feeling worse

Hope can be comforting. That being said, it can also be misleading. When you’re hoping someone will change, what you’re doing is waiting. Waiting on potential, that is.

Worse yet, while you’re waiting, you’re putting your needs on the back burner. You’re ignoring the reality of the relationship in lieu of the possibility of something better down the line. The problem is, most of the time, better never comes. If by the off chance it does, it usually comes in a way that won’t look exactly like what you imagined, and not in a good way. What will be left is you feeling disappointed, questioning yourself, or worse, blaming yourself for why the situation(ship) didn’t turn out differently.

Look, it’s not that change is impossible. We’ve all heard a story about a friend of a friend of a friend who started out casual with a guy and flipped the script. Anything can happen. The question is, what are the odds it will?

The way of the world is such that change only happens when the person needing to change their position themselves initiates it, not because you want them to. If you’re constantly managing your expectations, editing your feelings, or pretending you’re fine with less, ask yourself whether this is love or fear of letting them go. More often than not, fear is what’s been driving your decision-making up to now.

His choices say more about where he is in life than anything about you

To elaborate on the last section, it’s easy to internalize someone else’s lack of commitment as something you’re doing wrong. You start wondering if you were prettier, funnier, thinner, had more money, or were more laid-back, would he want to be with you? The answer is that it probably wouldn’t matter because his decision most likely lies in where he is in his own life.

People make choices based on their own timing, values, priorities, and emotional availability. If he’s keeping things casual or avoiding labels, it says a lot more about where he is in his life than it does about your worth. Maybe he’s not looking for anything serious. Maybe he doesn’t know what he wants (Caveat: If he wanted you, you’d know and so would he). Maybe he likes you, but doesn’t want a relationship right now.

Whatever the reason, it’s not your job to fix him or wait for him to fix his head. You can do everything “right”: show up, communicate, look pretty, and still not get this guy. That doesn’t mean you failed. It just means you’re dealing with someone who’s not your guy. Again, the reasons why shouldn’t matter.

Sleeping with him gives him what he wants without asking much from him

When you don’t have a commitment and you’re sleeping with a man, he gets the physical side of you without having to invest emotionally, financially, or be responsible for you or your feelings in any other way. That might anger you, but he’s probably not being manipulative. It’s just how relationships work.

If you’re acting like a girlfriend without being one, he has no reason to change what he has: all the benefits without the accountability. Yes, sex can feel intimate, and with him, it might be. However, in most cases, it still won’t make the relationship more than the sex-based connection it is.

This is especially true if he already knows you want more. Some men will stretch out this gray area for as long as you let them because it’s comfortable for them, and you’re meeting their needs sexually and otherwise. Again, it doesn’t make him a villain. It makes him human.

The thing is, you don’t need to continue supporting this guy in his humanity. Rather, his humanity should signal that it’s time you begin asking yourself what you want and whether this arrangement feels good.

If you’re being honest with yourself, you may find that staying in a relationship where you don’t feel valued is the very reason you’re stuck and what’s preventing you from meeting someone who will call you their girlfriend. And maybe one day their wife.

How Soon Should You Date Someone Fresh Out of a Long-Term Relationship?

You’ve probably met someone who fits this description or seen them post about the recent demise of their long-term relationship and wondered, "Should I date them?" Your first instinct might be to run, writing them off as not ready.  

While that may be true, it doesn’t have to be. It could be worth having a conversation to find out more details about their breakup so you can make an informed decision about whether to engage with them. Here’s what you should listen for when speaking with them.  

How long ago was the breakup? 

When determining whether someone’s “fresh” out of a breakup, one of the questions you should ask is, “How fresh is it actually?”  

If a breakup happened mere days ago, it’s safe to say they are probably not ready, even if the breakup was their idea and they had thought about it for a while. Finality can raise a lot of emotions, good and bad, and either can be distracting to someone dating new people.  

You want to date a person whose head is clear, so they’re in a position to focus on learning about you and, over time, possibly seeing a future with you. If you’re looking for a commitment, someone recently out of a long-term relationship may not want to dole one out so quickly.     

Why did the relationship end? 

It’s important to understand why their long-term relationship ended. Was it incompatibility (a job took one of them far away, for example)? Did they grow apart over time? Or did something happen, such as cheating, to cause the relationship to end?  

Depending on who and what precipitated the breakup, the fallout for the person who didn’t want the relationship to end can be different and require more healing time. If that’s the person you’re dating, are you willing to wait and go through that with them, with no guarantee that they will stay with you once they feel stronger?  

Do they still seem sad about it? 

As mentioned above, if they’re the person who was dumped, it may take them longer to recover. Everyone’s different, so what you should be looking out for is whether they still seem depressed about the breakup or depressed in general, which could be stemming from the breakup.  

If someone is sad that their last relationship ended, they must work through that pain. Often, that requires visiting old memories, rehashing conversations, or even speaking with or meeting up with their ex as they work on distancing themselves from the relationship.  

Is this something you’re going to be comfortable with? Will it make you feel good, wanted, and special? If not, perhaps this person at this time may not be right for you.  

Are they still in contact with their ex? 

Though they may not admit to it, when someone’s in contact with an ex, even as friends, there’s a door open for reconciliation or, at a minimum, slipping into old comforts that could include emotional or physical intimacy. Neither is the mark of an environment hospitable for a new, healthy relationship. If they’re still in contact with their ex, especially if they see them in person and spend time together, that should give you pause and cause you to question whether this is where you need to be.  

Do they talk about their ex a lot? 

Even if someone is practicing no contact to the extreme, i.e., they’re not speaking to or seeing their ex, unless they’re no longer thinking about them either, they’re still in contact with them for all intents and purposes. Again, this is not what you want.  

What you should listen for is them associating everyday activities with their ex or roping them into conversations that have nothing to do with them. For example, if you find them saying this was their ex’s favorite song or ice cream flavor, take what they’re saying for what it is: they are telling you they’re not over their ex.  

Final Thoughts 

Though there are never any guarantees that someone you’re dating will get back with an ex, red flags are red flags and should be heeded. Yes, we all know of someone whose boyfriend or girlfriend had not spoken to their ex in years and never or rarely mentioned them. However, their paths crossed and now they’re together.  

On another note, people can be quite adept at masking their true feelings. There’s nothing you can do about that.  

But staying aware of your surroundings and really listening to the people you date can increase your chances of finding those ready for a relationship and limit your chances of heartbreak. At least heartbreak that results from them returning to an ex they never got over. Think of prospective partners like strawberries: You don’t want to pick one before they’re ready.   

I Just Found My S.O. on the Dating Apps. What Should I Do?

A single friend tips you off. Or you’ve been doing your own snooping incognito on a dating app or in an “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook group. It doesn’t matter. The result is the same: You learn your S.O. is, at a minimum, presenting himself to others as single and available.  

Has he cheated? Depends on who you ask or what you want to believe. Cheating or micro-cheating, you can no longer trust this person. The only question that remains is what you should do next. Here are your options.     

Ask them directly and see what they say 

Sometimes the best answer is the most obvious. In this situation, that is to ask them: “I understand that you are on a dating app. Why?”  

Be prepared that, especially if they are an expert gaslighter, their first instinct will be to turn the tables on you and ask how you knew instead of offering an explanation. Have your answer ready and do your best not to let them derail the conversation.  

Pay attention to their answer and how you want to proceed from there. Caveat: They may get creative: they were looking for their ex, they were curious, one of their buddies dared them. Whatever it is, it shouldn’t matter. If they are in a relationship with you, they shouldn’t be on a dating app. End of story.  

That said, what you want to do about your relationship is a different story. There isn’t only one option, and deciding which option to take may require some research on your part. Of course, you can always end things based on the fact that they are on a dating site. But if you don’t want to, … 

Do a little more digging before you decide 

Yes, get all your facts straight so you can make a decision you’re comfortable with. No, gathering information isn’t about them; it’s about you.  

The purpose of your fact-finding is not to have an inquisition (unless you want to). It’s to know that whatever you decide, you have all your facts at hand and you’re making a decision you can live with, which may include working on your relationship and delving into why they wanted to be on a dating app at all.  

Take a break to think without their input 

There’s a lot to consider, and you don’t need to make a split-second decision about how you want to proceed with your significant other after learning they are on a dating app. Likely, you’re in shock. The better option is to take a break so you can collect yourself and gather any additional evidence you want. 

This period should be free of input from your partner. They should be out of your space, and you should be out of theirs. This means headspace, too. Take a few days away from them, or if you are living under the same roof and are not in a position to leave, make the topic off limits until you’re ready.  

But don’t take too long. You don’t want to live in a pressure cooker or state of limbo, either.  

Set a boundary and watch what happens next 

Once you make a decision about the future of your relationship, set boundaries around it. Whether you stay or go, there needs to be rules.  

For example, if you decide to continue on in the relationship, your partner needs to be off all dating apps and, obviously, not dating. They need to be completely committed to you, not committing acts of micro-cheating that make you uncomfortable. The burden should be on them to make you want to stay.  

Keep in mind though, staying isn’t your excuse to punish them, whether by fighting nonstop about it or leveling the field by going on a dating app as well. If you feel inclined to engage in such unproductive behavior or they do, it’s probably a sign to consider another option: leaving.  

Walk away and don’t look back 

When you are in a relationship and your partner disrespects you, you don’t have to stay. How much you love them or how much time you have in shouldn’t matter, although it’s natural to consider those factors when evaluating your life together. What’s not natural is being with a person who continues to do things that make you feel bad or question your value. Not acceptable.  

The great thing about dating is that it offers possibilities and hope for the future, both of which mean your current partner doesn’t have to be the only person in the world for you. This is especially true if they’ve already been looking around for someone else they could potentially be with. A real partner will only have eyes for you.  

Signs a Man Wants a Mother, Not a Wife

Who a woman chooses as her partner affects every aspect of her life. Studies have repeatedly shown that women bear the brunt of the invisible labor performed in male-female households. Why? Because the partners they’ve chosen haven’t risen to the occasion. Not because they can’t, however. But because they prefer not to.  

They like it the way it is, which is to let their female counterpart take care of them and everything else. This woman works outside the home, just like her husband or partner does, only to return at the end of the day to the burden of all the cooking, cleaning, child care, planning, budgeting, grocery shopping, errands, and more. Even if she is a stay-at-home parent while he works outside the home, once he walks in the door, his day is over, while hers continues until bedtime, when she will be on duty should any of the children wake up. 

How did this woman end up with such a man? Probably because she didn’t see the signs, or if she did, it didn’t register what they would look like as time went on. Such behavior isn’t reserved for new partners or spouses, either. If a man has lived this existence with a previous partner, spouse, or spouses, chances are, he’s still looking for a mother, not a wife. Here’s how to tell.       

He expects you to manage his life and make all decisions.  

He has made you (and you have unwittingly agreed) his alarm clock, calendar, and personal assistant. You not only remind him of his dentist appointments but also schedule them.  

He leaves his clothes on the floor for you to pick up, or if he’s well-behaved, he’ll leave them in the hamper for you, expecting you to wash them. And you do. You make dinner reservations and plan trips. You run his errands. You do anything and everything so he doesn’t have to.  

Not only that, you are the lead decision-maker in your household because (a) he’s incapable of making a decision, or (b) doesn’t want to, so if the decision turns out to be a bad one, he won’t be to blame. You’re in charge. At least, he’s led you to think you are.  

He doesn’t contribute unless you ask him to.  

It’s not like this 100% of the time. No, not at all, because if you ask him to do something, he’ll pitch in or do what you’ve asked. But he won’t be happy about it, which he’ll surely let you know.  

You see, when you ask, you’re nagging. This isn’t his responsibility, his job. Yes, he’s doing you a favor.  

Yes, you should be grateful. Yes, you’re resentful he didn’t do it on his own, that you had to ask, and now he’s giving you an attitude about it. So what do you do? You stop asking because it’s not worth the trouble.  

He expects praise for basic tasks (or nothing at all). 

He’s done some task, something not even that great, like taking out the trash or picking up an item at the grocery store you need for a dinner you’re making for him. But he now expects your praise. A simple thank you will not suffice: “Are you happy? Will this shut you up?”  

“Thank you,” you mutter under your breath, promising yourself you won’t ask for anything because this is too much, this repulsive behavior from him that you must deal with regularly. Is he your partner or a petulant child, not even your own?     

He avoids emotional responsibility.  

He’s in a bad mood now. You put him in it by asking him to help, or because something at work is distressing him, which you weren’t sensitive to, and now you’ve made it worse. He lashes out. Yells at you, looks at you with disdain.  

Later, he apologizes for his outburst. His bad mood. Taking it out on you. You say you forgive him, but deep down, you don’t. How could you when these episodes are a part of your regular dynamic? He disgusts you and wonders why you’re not affectionate toward him and why you don’t tell him how good-looking he is.  

Easy. Because he isn’t to you.  

He skirts boundaries and doesn’t want to take accountability.  

He walks a fine line, this guy. He thinks he’s invincible and untouchable because he’s managed to pick and choose people to surround himself with who don’t know the real him but who find him helpful, charismatic, amusing, and kind-hearted and tell him so, feeding his ego. This is not the person you’ve come to experience in private.  

But how he acts in private is because of you, not him. You’ve made him behave this way toward you due to your poor attitude, physical and mental exhaustion, and inability to laugh at his jokes, which are often subtle digs at you.  

You have no sense of humor. You’re overbearing, and those instances of micro-cheating you’ve pointed out? It and you are a joke, like other women, since micro-cheating is a construct devised by women.  

He’s more comfortable being cared about than caring for others.   

What do all of these signs point to? That he’s more comfortable being cared about than caring for others, especially you, though no one who’s not in his inner circle will see this, and maybe not even them. Given the picture he’s taken great lengths to paint, they will see the opposite. Point this out to him, that he treats you differently from everyone else, his only concern will be that you will eventually tell someone, and that they will believe you.  

So he goes full throttle on what he’s been doing all along, more so if you finally walk away, which is laying the groundwork behind your back that you are different from how you appear, and once again, he’s a victim. Good thing his real mommy will jump in to comfort him, reassuring him what a good boy, ahem man, he is, giving him the confidence he needs to do this all over again with some other unsuspecting woman.  

Know the signs, and let that not be (or continue to be) you.   

Revenge Porn: When Intimacy Becomes Exploitation

When you’re in a relationship, sometimes you do things you would never have expected yourself to do. This includes sharing sexually explicit pictures of yourself with a partner.  

You take comfort in the idea that this exchange is something you are doing together, for one another’s eyes only. Or, you reluctantly agree at your partner’s urging to take said photos, despite being uncomfortable, since “this is what couples do,” and no one but the two of you will see them.  

Unfortunately, not everyone stands by their word. Relationships can sour, rendering these pictures valuable for someone intent on seeking revenge or blackmailing you.  

Even if your relationship hasn’t ended, your partner can turn out to be someone far different from the person you thought they were and violate your trust. After a breakup or a fight, or because they have no integrity, they could share images of you without your knowledge with others or post them on social media with the intent of strongarming you into doing something you don’t want to do.  

Regardless of the circumstances, you discover what they’ve done or intend to do and panic. What should you do next?   

Gather as much information as you can 

The first thing you’ll want to do, especially if the lines of communication between you and your partner/former partner are still open, is to find out what exactly they shared or posted and with whom. Sometimes the best answer is the most obvious one, meaning they might just tell you, either to rub your face in it, because they’re remorseful, or they’re now scared about what they’ve done.  

Stay calm no matter what they say, and gather your facts, including the names and contact information for witnesses, as in the people who may have first alerted you that your partner shared your images. Document everything in a place where your partner doesn’t have shared access. 

Contact the police and a lawyer  

Contact the police to report the incident. How revenge porn will be addressed criminially is left to the states, with most states having laws on the books mentioning it. There is a commonality: In every state, it is illegal to share sexual images or video of someone under the age of 18. However, presently, no federal laws exist that address revenge porn. 

Next, speak with an attorney who has experience with revenge porn cases. Depending on your case's jurisdiction and unique facts, you may have a criminal or civil case you can pursue. 

Report the images if you can  

This is a tricky one, since the Communications Decency Act of 1996, which regulates internet porn, states that websites and internet providers aren’t legally responsible for what their users post on their sites. Unless the images break copyright or federal criminal laws, they are not obligated to take the pictures down.  

Some platforms may remove the photos if they determine that publishing them has violated their user guidelines. It doesn’t hurt to ask; it may be your most straightforward path.   

Hire an expert to remove the images 

There are people for hire who specialize in removing unwanted images from the internet, known as takedown or reputation repair services. While this can be effective, it isn’t easy, nor will it necessarily be 100% effective.  

You can also request that the person you were involved with, who originally posted the image or images, remove what of them they can. Though this can help your objectives, it likely won’t be fully effective since the internet has a far reach and a long memory.  

Call on a mental health professional for support  

Knowing that intimate images of you are in the hands of those who don’t have your best interests at heart can be distressing, to say the least. And that’s if you’re lucky not to suffer further repercussions, such as job loss or having it complicate your ongoing divorce.  

The mental effect, including being violated by someone you trusted, can be reason enough to call in a mental health professional. Don’t wait. You deserve to feel supported.  

Think twice about sharing sensitive images 

Whether you’ve shared compromising images with a partner before and would do it again, or have thought about doing it for the first time if the opportunity presented itself, consider how you would feel if the rest of the world were privy to what you shared. 

Not sure? Here’s the litmus test: “How would I feel if …” Then complete the sentence with … “if my boss, mother, sister, child, or anyone I didn’t know saw them,” and act accordingly.  

Though you can do damage control afterward, being your own advocate is much easier. Someone who protects their peace as if the quality of their life depends on it. Because it does.  

For informational purposes only. This article does not constitute legal advice. 

Bill Belichick’s Relationship Sparks Debate: Would You Consider a May-December Romance?

Bill Belichick, 73, the former general manager of the New England Patriots, has been turning heads in recent days for his relationship with the former Bridgewater State University cheerleader, Jordan Hudson, 24, as more new details emerge about their relationship. This includes a sizeable real estate portfolio in Hudson’s name.

Though the story of the hour, May-December romances, romantic relationships between a younger (May) and older (December) person, are nothing new. Cher, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Robert De Niro have all been in relationships with much younger partners. But do they work?  

Though there’s the argument that the heart wants what the heart wants, like any relationship, a May-December romance won’t always be sunshine and roses. Far from it. May-December relationships can present unique challenges due to the significant age gap involved — challenges you should be prepared for should you decide to pursue this option. They follow.  

You are at different life stages. 

It doesn’t have to be as pronounced as the age gap between Belichick and Hudson to have an impact; if you and your partner are at different stages of life and have different goals around career and family, it can present issues in your relationship.  

Consider the following: One of you is recently divorced after being a stay-at-home parent and is trying to restart your career at midlife, not just for the money but because you are excited about the prospect of it. Your partner, however, has worked for decades and sees retirement on the horizon, presenting a chance to exit the rat race and travel more often. Or you are the parent of two adult children, while your partner is looking to start a family.  

In either scenario, a compromise may be necessary. But ask yourself: Do you want to be the reason why your partner has denied themselves something this important, or the person doing the compromising? Will either of you come to regret it later? These are the types of questions, among others, that you’ll need to answer before going further together.   

You and your partner will miss cultural references due to generational gaps.  

Perhaps not as significant as changing your life plans based on the stage of life you’re at, but lack of knowledge about music, slang, tech, and societal norms, such as views on relationship status, can, at a minimum, make for some awkward moments. Over time, it can lead to a divide.  

Part of being in a relationship is not only having things to talk about but also relating. A knowing glance or a chuckle can be one of the ties that bind two people. When you constantly have to explain something, no matter how kind the tone is used and how well-intentioned it is, it can cause feelings of loneliness and isolation. This is especially pronounced when each partner’s friends in group settings miss the same references.  

Family, friends, and onlookers may judge.   

Even if you’re not a celebrity or notable figure, friends, family, or the onlooker at the grocery store may criticize, question, or offer a look of disapproval about your relationship. Whether it’s to doubt the legitimacy of the love you share or either of your motives for being in the relationship, hearing the commentary from others can sting. Live in the public eye, the chatter can become exponentially louder. 

There can be an inherent power imbalance due to age and experience.   

Differences in financial status, life experience, or confidence can create subtle or overt questions of control, specifically about who’s running the show. Go back to Belichick and Hudson, for a moment: Hudson is coming under fire for reportedly interrupting a recent interview to dictate which questions they would and would not answer, leading to speculation about why.  

Whatever the case may be for this happy couple, age doesn’t necessarily imply that the older person is in control. This is especially true when cognitive function comes into question, as it did in the dynamic between the late model Anna Nicole Smith and her much older spouse.   

Long-term planning can be complicated.  

Though no one likes thinking about how much time they have left, and there’s no guarantee as to how long someone will live, life expectancy is what it is. It’s no secret that as we grow older, health challenges, including mobility, become more of a concern. So does cognitive decline.  

In light of the above factors, conversations around conceiving and raising children can become complicated. So may discussions about maintaining independence, including whether a younger person fully understands what they might be signing on for in terms of long-term care when choosing to date someone much older. 

Final thoughts …

In the end, May-December relationships can bring warmth and wisdom, but they can also cast long shadows if the mismatches that are present aren’t addressed. Like the seasons they’re named for, these pairings can be calm — or they can be stormy when expectations don’t align. If you're considering one, go in with eyes open and both feet firmly planted in the reality that although we are not eternal, the love we share is.  

When Your Partner Can't Let Go of Their Ex — Now What?

You’ve been together a while now. You meet up a few times a week, go out on real dates regularly, are on each other’s social media full throttle, and have relationships with one another’s friends and family. Everything appears to be going along well, at least to onlookers. But you have a secret, or rather, your partner does. You’ve discovered that without your knowledge, they’ve been communicating regularly with their ex the entire time you’ve been together, indicating your partner can’t let go of their past. 

A situation far too common, those blindsided by such behavior are often too close to the problem and, therefore, unclear on what to do next about their discovery. As a matchmaker supporting singles for over three decades, I have a clear path to help those going through this, perhaps you, so that you can make informed decisions about your future. The steps on that path are as follows.  

Get your facts straight.  

Yeah, it’s easy to give it an “iykyk” and go ballistic on your partner. But all that will do is cause them to react by either shutting down or gaslighting you to protect the guilty. Either way, you won’t get the information you need. Worse is that if you’re wrong, and you could be if you have suspicions but haven’t yet been able to nail down the facts, you may blow up your relationship over nothing due to your own insecurities. You wouldn’t be the first.  

Instead, gather as much information as possible so that it will be more difficult for your partner to explain it away when you confront them. Here’s the goal: You want them to offer you one good reason why you got it all wrong. Though possible, these storylines are usually the stuff of movies.  

Confront your partner about your suspicions calmly.  

Though you will be asking the questions, you must also listen and evaluate your partner’s responses carefully. This includes what they say and do during the conversation and then in the following minutes, hours, and days. Your blood may be boiling inside of you, but it’s still not an excuse to lose your cool. Good investigators never do, and you, dear Reader, are on a fact-finding mission. 

Confide in others about your situation.  

If you suspect your partner has wronged you, your first instinct will probably be to reach out to those who love and care about you for advice and support. While this is natural and smart, you need to take the support you get from where it’s coming from, meaning that you need to account for the likelihood that it may not be neutral. After all, the people who love you will likely also be angry. This, too, is natural, so don’t fault them for it. 

You can, however, supplement the guidance you receive from friends and family by connecting with others you trust not to share your information and who may have experience with what you’re going through. This can be a support group (online or in person), a mental health professional, or a relationship expert. Varying perspectives plus adequate fact-finding can direct your decisions further toward ones you will feel good about.   

Assert your independence.  

After being with the same partner for a long time, you may have, like many people, put some of your interests or self-care rituals on the back burner. The thing is, when you’re feeling your most vulnerable, it's a strategic time to begin re-focusing your attention on yourself. This is true regardless of what happens between you and your partner moving forward.  

Like everything else described above, rediscovering what makes you you will help get you back to your core values and, along with that, help you decide what kind of future fits the person you are and what you believe in. This includes who you want to be a part of that future.   

Put some distance between you and your partner. 

This can mean different things to different people. It can mean ending the conversation, leaving the room, or going out of town for a few days to think. Yes, you will need adequate time to process what has happened and what your partner has said about it. You can’t do this the way you’ll need to with them breathing down your neck every minute of the day.  

When you make decisions you’ve thought through, you’re more likely to be comfortable with them and, as a result, less likely to change your mind afterward or live with regret, which is no way to live. Remember, your highest good lies in creating a happy, stable future for yourself, leaving only one question: Does this person offer you what you need to do that? 

When Men Receive an Unsolicited Sexy Pic from a Woman: What Not to Do or Say

There’s a great deal of talk about what to do as a woman when you receive an unsolicited $%@! pic from a guy. Should you tell him to stop? Block him? Send him one back? But what happens if you’re a guy who receives an unsolicited sexy pic from a woman? What then? 

If you’re a man, you may be thinking, is there actually a guy in the universe who wouldn’t want an unsolicited sexy pic from a woman or who wouldn’t know what to do or say after receiving one? Well, the answer is yes and yes. Unsolicited is just that — no one asked for it, and therefore, it can catch the unsuspecting man off guard. Maybe even you. 

That said, there are ways to handle it and ways not to. If, of course, you’re a guy who wants to protect everyone’s feelings in the situation, including your own. Here are a few suggestions for how.  

Don’t get angry. 

No, it wasn’t what you were expecting to see when you opened your text messages while drinking your morning coffee, but alas, there it is anyway. You thought your relationship ran deeper than what this pic suggests, that you were building something real. The thing is, you still might be, and her sexy pic is only a reflection that she feels safe with you. If you aren’t sure what the pics mean for her or for you, regardless of what you might be thinking … 

Be kind.     

You may not like what you see on numerous levels, including what she looks like with less clothing on than you’ve seen her wearing so far, but it’s still not an excuse to be mean. Respond with something complimentary or, if you don’t have it in you, something more vague but still not negative like, “Well, well, well, what do we have here?” and let her lead the conversation from there. Then … 

Have a talk the next time you’re together.  

If you’re uncomfortable with the gesture or are unsure what it means for your relationship, talk about it. But don’t do so over text. Conversations about sensitive matters are best had in person, where you can read each other’s body language, and no one can easily end the conversation by simply leaving you on read.  

It’s much easier to get a feel for what someone’s intentions are and to get your own point across about what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not when you’re sitting face to face. For a new relationship, this is especially important since you don’t know each other well.  

Send a sexy pic back.  

If you receive an unsolicited sexy pic from a woman that caught you by surprise, but you are most definitely into it and feel comfortable enough, reciprocate. But do try and match her level of “sexiness.” You don’t want to take a flirtation, depending on what she’s sent, and turn it into amateur porn. In other words, don’t up the ante. She’s made the decision to lead in this area, so let her.  

Keep in mind, though, that whenever you put something in writing, including sending a photo, you run the risk that it won’t just be for her eyes only, today or one day in the future. Though she might not, you should plan on doing the gentlemanly thing and … 

Not share any photos you receive.  

If a woman sends you a sexy pic, she’s placing a certain level of trust in you, even if it hasn’t yet been earned. Hopefully, however, you don’t prove to her that it’s also undeserved. 

Always go under the assumption that whatever you receive from a woman is for you exclusively. It’s a risk for her, for sure, and not necessarily a justifiable one. But do as you would want done to your mother, sister, daughter, and favorite aunt, and keep the image to yourself. 

Then, during that discussion mentioned above, provide reassurance that you expect your exchanges to remain confidential unless you otherwise agree. Relationships are built on trust, including where sexy pics are concerned.  

Should your relationship not work out, don’t share the photos, either. This holds true no matter how you feel about this person after a breakup. Revenge porn is a crime in many states with varying degrees of punishment. If you think a breakup is painful and has gone on too long, go involve yourself in a lawsuit, and see how you’ll be craving those early days of despair.  

Final Thoughts 

People have different views on sexy pics, and in many instances, they can be a positive way to express attraction and affection in a relationship. But before that can happen, you want to make sure that you and the person you’re dating feel the same way about them.  

Open communication, as it always is, is the most efficient way to find out. So ask the questions and listen for the answers, and if it’s a go for you both, the next time you receive a text notification, or she does, know that your hearts may skip a beat — with excitement instead of dread.  

Is it a Red Flag When Someone Has No Social Media Footprint?

These days, it can feel weird to encounter someone without a social media profile — none, nada, zilch. But it's bound to happen if you’ve been dating long enough.  

You’d be right for it to make you wonder whether this person is for real and whether you should avoid them. However, that isn’t necessary. Yet, that is. Not before you ask them the following questions.  

Is there a reason why you’re not on social media? 

Age can affect a person’s answer. They may not be comfortable with it if they’re “older” and didn’t grow up around social media. Not everyone is tech-savvy. 

If the person is of the age where you’d expect them to have a social media profile, wait for a reason that would justify them not having one, other than they don’t like it, which, mind you, is still a valid reason.  

Have you ever had a social media profile? 

Sometimes, people are on social media but decide to go off it. This isn’t uncommon, even if it’s temporary. The critical piece of information you want to learn from them is why. 

Are they going through a divorce, and their lawyer told them to stay off social media? Have they had a bad experience with social media in the past? Is someone monitoring them and their behavior, like an ex, so they decided to go off to protect their privacy? 

Your job is to listen — with your ears and your gut.    

Have I researched enough to know that they’re not on social media? 

This question is not for them; it’s for you. That’s because nothing’s more important than protecting yourself, physically and emotionally.  

Though an effective way to meet potential matches, online dating sites are also replete with those looking for extracurricular activities away from their partner or spouse. Lacking a social media profile or saying you aren’t on social media is one way cheaters can keep two (or more) worlds from colliding. 

Because you don’t want to be involved in a “collision,” it’s best to do some digging yourself first. This is true whether you’re skeptical that what they’re saying is true or you’re downright suspicious of them. You owe it to yourself to be thorough.   

A few strategic Google searches can give you all the information you need. That being said, if Google searches don’t turn up anything, there are services online you can pay for that can access what you can’t. It can be a small price to pay to protect yourself.  

Is there a way I can verify who you say you are and that you’re single? 

If you come up dry after you’re own investigation, but you’re not ready to send them packing and, instead, would like to date them, ask them if there’s a way they could verify who they say they are and that they’re single.  

You will be able to glean a lot from their answer alone. If they react poorly, saying you should trust them, it’s a signal to part ways. Not because they’re necessarily lying (they may not be), but because they’re unwilling to do the bare minimum to make you comfortable.  

If they are happy to offer you a way to verify them, proceed cautiously. Unfortunately, it’s very easy for someone to find a friend to “vouch” for them or create the image of someone who’s single but is not. Again, you must listen with your ears and gut, preferably your gut.  

Do I have enough intel to make an informed decision? 

Once you’ve gone through the questions above, ask yourself if you have enough intel to decide whether to move forward with this person for a date or move on from them. If you don’t feel you have enough information and aren’t comfortable, you should move on. Your health and well-being must always remain paramount, no matter how desirable someone is to you at the moment.  

If you have enough positive information in your pocket to set up a date, remain cautious at all times, regardless. Remember, though, that while it’s OK to be on the lookout for red flags, you don’t want to walk around so distrustful that you’re paralyzed with fear. Trust is built in small moments over time, so take your time getting to know someone.  

Final Thoughts 

There are no guarantees in dating — not that someone is telling the truth now or will continue to do so if they are. But without some risk, there can be no reward, at least when it comes to love. The point is to calculate those risks first. You’re worth it. And the right person will treat you as you are.  

Does Your Partner Need to Be Your Best Friend for Your Relationship to Work?

There’s this theory about relationships that many people point to when they talk about what’s not working in their romantic partnership or marriage. It’s a theory that troubles me because I think it’s often misinterpreted to the detriment of people’s relationships. It goes something like this: Your partner or spouse should be your best friend for your relationship to operate at its highest level.  

Anyone who knows me knows that one of my favorite movies is the 1988 movie “Beaches.” If you haven’t seen it, I strongly suggest you do since, at its core, it’s about friendships and how they fit into people’s lives when they’re dating someone they like and then when they’re married.  

Here’s a quick synopsis: C.C. Bloom (Bette Midler), a rising Broadway star, and a socialite turned activist-lawyer, Hillary Whitney (Barbara Hershey), strike up an unlikely friendship on a New Jersey beach one summer when the girls are adolescents. This friendship carries them through the ups and downs of their adult lives, including their careers, relationships, marriages, and eventually, parenthood.  

Without giving too much away, one of the striking themes of this film is how each woman handles their friendship when a man, whether a dating interest or a husband, enters their life. Who should stay for the long haul? These women spend nearly a lifetime wrestling with this question until circumstances finally give them their answer.  

Spoiler: Friendships — and not just any old friendship — but having a best friend outside your romantic relationship not only matters but can also bring that romantic relationship to its highest good. In other words, your partner or spouse doesn’t have to be your best friend for your relationship to be loving and fulfilling. Someone else can hold a significant presence in your life, too. Here’s why, with a few caveats.  

An adult friendship other than the one you share with your partner or spouse enriches your life.  

There’s something about having someone around who knows you well, gets you, and understands your quirks, especially if they’ve been in your life for a long time. No matter how much you love your partner or spouse, how much they love you, and how long you’ve been in each other’s lives, you can’t replicate history. You may also share particular interests with them that your partner or spouse doesn’t enjoy. 

This friend of yours will tell you the truth when you are unable or unwilling to tell it to yourself. The friend should also be someone you can trust with your words and the person you’re interested in, meaning your friend shouldn’t do anything to get in the way of your romantic relationship. Finally, your best friend should do their best to co-exist with your partner and spouse, not interfere because they harbor jealousy about having to share your attention and affection with someone else.  

Best friends see you differently from someone who loves you romantically and will talk to you differently because they can.  

There are certain “truths” you can hear from a best friend that, if they came from your partner or spouse, could be misconstrued, hurt you, or become grounds for their dismissal from your life. You may think you can say anything to your spouse and that they can say anything to you, but words, especially if they come out wrong, can do irreparable damage to a partnership or marriage. 

That’s not to say a best friend can’t hurt you; they definitely can. But your dynamic is different from the one you have with your partner and spouse, and you likely have been through this before and worked through it if you’re truly best friends.

Strong romantic relationships and marriages can withstand a lot. However, they have a vulnerability about them that is unique due to the intimacy you and your partner share. The existence of a best friend can serve as a protector of that fragility.    

Love has no limits.  

When a romantic relationship or marriage is strong, loving, and characterized by mutual respect, it’s usually based on trust and a desire to see one another live their most fulfilling life. Your partner or spouse’s love for you is boundless, as is your love for them, so you both know that nothing else in your life, not even another human being you call your best friend, can diminish what you share. Love, as you both see it, has no limits, so there’s room for others in your lives. Your best friend should know this, too. 

A Caveat About Having a Best Friend 

Having more than one person close to you can, from time to time, leave someone feeling left out, whether your partner or spouse or your best friend. This is natural. After all, we are people, and our feelings are complex. It’s important to be aware of this possibility and to address it with the individual feeling that way. Listen more than talk, and try to get to the root of why.  

Final Thoughts 

While you may be doing your best to protect both relationships, consider that the one feeling ignored may be justified in feeling this way due to a factor you weren’t aware of before. Having a partner or spouse and a best friend may sometimes require extra attention from you, and that’s OK. These are people who love you, but who you also love and want to see happy. Just make sure it’s not at the other person’s expense. Or yours.  

The Sniff Test: How to Tell Someone They’re Not Making the Grade With Their Hygiene

You get along well. The person you’re dating is friendly, conversational, fun, kind, and generous with their time and wallet. But there’s one thing that’s bothering you, and it’s a sensitive subject — they’re not always on top of their hygiene.  

From bad breath to body odor, poor hygiene can become a problem for anyone who gets an unexpected whiff. It can also be a problem for the person who eventually gets dumped because of it, especially if they never knew why and then face the same issue with the next person they date or begin to date more seriously, and the one after that.  

While it can be uncomfortable to tell someone they smell ripe, and the person you’re telling may be embarrassed to hear this from you, there are ways to go about it without being a total a**hole. Here are a few suggestions.  

Don’t address poor hygiene on the first date.  

Telling someone they have bad breath or smell isn’t a first-date conversation. Why? Because if you’re not interested in them anyway, you don’t need to be the one doling out PSAs to someone you don’t know because you never know how someone will react. Beyond keeping yourself safe, do you need to hurt a stranger’s feelings?  

Dating makes people feel vulnerable enough without adding to it a comment you think will be constructive but will likely be construed as unfavorable. Leave that for someone more invested in them or who wants to invest in them. If it’s just lousy breath you’re dealing with on a first date, offer a mint while taking one for yourself. Hopefully, they take the mint — and the hint.  

Make some subtle suggestions for them to address their hygiene.  

If you’re dating someone and notice a pattern has emerged, whether with bad breath or B.O., offer suggestions so that they can (a) correct the situation without them knowing it’s a problem for you and (b) if they realize it is a problem for you, still allow them to save face without feeling more embarrassed than they need to.  

For bad breath, beyond offering a mint, find out when they last visited the dentist. Poor dental health can lead to other more serious health issues. Not to mention, certain bacteria can be transferred to you during a simple act such as kissing. If they haven’t had a cleaning in the past six months, suggest they go. 

If it’s B.O. you’re concerned about, see if you can find out from them subtly what’s causing it. Are they meeting you straight from the gym without a shower because they think they don’t sweat? When do they usually shower, morning or night? Are they showering before your dates? Are they eating certain foods that could cause an odor or taking medication that could do the same? The latter reasons would explain a lot but prove more challenging problems to solve than with just a shower.  

If it’s a superficial issue, i.e., not a medical one, depending on how intimate you’ve gotten and how much of a problem their hygiene is becoming, suggest a shower beforehand or perhaps together. If they’re resistant to changing their habits and it continues … 

Gently address their poor hygiene directly. 

If you’ve been dating someone for a bit, and you notice their oral or body hygiene is getting in the way of your blossoming relationship, it’s time for a discussion. But prepare yourself: Their reaction may not be a simple “thank you for letting me know,” no matter how nicely you go about it. 

Telling someone how their breath or body smells can be quite a personal affront, so expect the possibility of a reaction, from them feeling hurt to getting angry. That being said, if you want to continue with them, and this is the only thing getting in the way of that, you don’t have much choice in speaking to them. 

Prepare to move on if they don’t want to address the issue.  

You’ve done your part by coming clean with them, but it's time to move forward if they won’t come clean to your dates. Attraction in a relationship is a must, and if someone is repelling you due to their odor, you will probably, at some point, be repelled entirely by them.  

Final Thoughts 

This is part of dating — finding out where you’re compatible and where you’re not. How someone treats themselves can also indicate how they will eventually treat you, which, if they’re not taking care of their mouth or body, is with neglect.  

If you’ve handled the conversation with kindness and respect, and they’re still unwilling to make an effort, it’s OK to let them go. Not every person will be your person, no matter how good or bad they smell.  

Need a Wedding Plus-One? How to Ask Without Scaring Him Off

Weddings are beautiful occasions to celebrate love. They’re also expensive and stressful, even if you’re not part of the wedding party, which can be a separate ordeal. From travel to hotel stays, clothing, giving a gift, and other incidentals, it can break the bank. And that’s without considering who you will bring as a plus-one. 

This last wedding detail can raise questions about a relationship, particularly a new-ish one, that the man you’re seeing might not be prepared to answer. From what being a plus-one entails to what attending together means for you as a couple, it’s not surprising that many men feel wedding jitters about merely the prospect of attending someone else’s wedding as a plus-one. If you are thinking about inviting your guy as your wedding date, consider the following tips on how to ask without scaring him off.   

Do your best to understand the pressure of the situation. 

Before approaching the guy you’ve been dating to see if he would want to be your plus-one at a wedding, it’s helpful first to put yourself in his shoes to understand better how such an invitation may cause him to feel and what his concerns might involve. As mentioned above, weddings tend to involve a lot of logistics, which can translate to money.  

Speaking only about logistics for a moment, if you haven’t traveled with this person, you probably have little idea about how they will function under pressure. Make no mistake: traveling can be pressure-filled, especially when things don’t go according to plan. So, before you ask him, ask yourself: Are you ready to put your relationship and him in such a pressure cooker? Then, anticipate whether you think he is prepared based on how long you’ve been together and your current dynamic.   

Be prepared to discuss the money as well. Don’t assume that if he goes, he’s obligated to pick up your tab and his. Work out the details about who pays for what before the trip to ensure you’re each comfortable with the arrangement. 

Assess his interest before you ask. 

It’s important to assess whether the man in your life is game for a wedding before asking. Though you won’t know for sure until you ask and he answers, there are signs you can look for indicating he might be open to joining you.  

The first is that he talks about the future in a way that’s appropriate for the stage you are in your relationship. This should not include future faking from a man you hardly know because you suspect he’s got some ulterior motive for doing so, such as having sex. The second is that he’s expressed an interest in meeting your friends and/or your family if he hasn’t already. The third is that he has proved thus far that he’s reliable and respectful of you, meaning you’re not worried he will ghost you at any moment or that he will react poorly if you ask him for something. 

If you decide, based on your assessment of your relationship, that your guy might be interested in attending a wedding with you, you must now figure out the best time to raise the subject. Timing, as they say, is everything.      

Find the right moment to ask. 

Like any other conversation you would have about something meaningful to you, you want to do it when you’re both in a good mood and not preoccupied. You also probably want to speak when you’re alone just because you don’t know how he will answer or how being in front of others might affect how he answers. Even better is if you are discussing a mildly related topic that allows you to segue into talking about the wedding and the possibility of him being your date. 

Frame the request in a way that won’t scare him off.  

When you ask if he’d like to be your date at a future wedding, be both lighthearted and respectful. Most importantly, you want to ask without expectation. If he senses you are judging him by his answer, he might (a) take offense or (b) do something he isn’t comfortable with and eventually resent you.  

Once you ask, give him space to decide if he doesn’t have a decision for you right then and there. Don’t pester him about it afterward. However, to avoid him not answering you or not answering within a reasonable period, ask him to respond within a specific timeframe.  

Handle rejection gracefully. 

Be prepared for the answer to be no. Though you might feel disappointed or angry, you must accept this. That said, what you choose to do with the information you have received about your relationship based on their answer is another story.  

If you believe the guy you’ve been seeing should have attended, given your time together and the depth of your relationship, and he has no good reason not to attend, such as a work trip, you always have the option to reevaluate whether this is the right relationship for you. What you don’t want to do is fight about it or try to persuade him to do something he’s uncomfortable with. Again, this is how resentment builds, and no one wants to be in a relationship where one person is harboring animosity.

Final Thoughts  

Attending a wedding with your partner should be about sharing a meaningful experience, not testing his commitment. However, in true wedding form, for better or for worse, it can reveal where you stand — and whether you're standing in the right place with the right person.